Sorry, that method has already been used. I entered 2 contests when I first signed up on this site. The winners of both contests submitted trash and were awarded first place.
One contest owner promised to at least give the contestants a review of their stories. == This was his/her review of my story:
Dear contestant, you should have used different names for your main characters.
Of course it was an excellent piece of work. it held my attention
However, i feel that you could have done a better job in the following matters"
Gramps and said, "They want your pass code."
"B-E-E-L-Z-E-B-U-B."
A hint of apprehension crept into Keith's voice. "That's like a demon's name, isn't it?"
The old goat shrugged. "Money is a powerful demon, the root of all evil."
They also want an answer to your security question, 'What's the funniest thing in the galaxy?"
"The rings around Uranus."
I am not a good writer, I am just a reader -- and the above lines gave me thoughts of not reading the rest of the story. I got the feeling that it was not believable to give strangers the pass codes. Why not just give them a heavy cash deposit on the Gig.
I realize that the Devil had no worries because of what he did later, but the transition was not in my opinon smooth enough.
For all I know, your work could may have already been aclaimed as great by a publisher - but I wanted to be frankly honest about my opinion of the above verbiage.
Great ending .
Since you are such a great writer, I would love for you to review the first chapter of my novel "Ancestors of God" - Chapter 1: Invisible enemy --- and give me a few pointers how to improve it --- but you may not have time.
And I for one ain't about to let that happen. – The grammar of the character has been okay, why ruin the flow with ‘ain’t’?
cupboard doors clung as enthusiastically to hinges as valance electrons hung around pure Francium – If a reader has to go to a dictionary, you have distracted him or her from the story.
Jacob Ross. If Ross is a last name, it would be silly to sign a letter to your father by including your last name.
Next, a walk. I laced on my red Chuck Taylors and donned my black pea-coat, smoothed my short blond hair out in front (can't believe it used to be black), and stepped outside. -- You are navy and you are about 60 years old -- Anyone under 50 and not Navy would not know what you were talking about – I suggest you go more generic.
seven months -- unless you had a calendar with you or you kept a diary then I suggest you use a term other than seven months --- I hope you understand the principle I am alluding to.
Call of Duty - distractive for not being in military battle.
Pretty good writing except for a few of the words that you put in caps. Authors do not have a license to do what they want to in a story-- that is a myth.
An author is simply a story teller - without an audience an author is at the edge of being insane because he or she is simply talking to the wind.
Some people say they write to express themselves and that they don't care if they have an audience. If that is true, then why write? One could simply use thought waves and again just be talking to themselves.
Genesis starts with the declaration that in the beginning there was
NOTHING!
I suggest you cite the source : The King James Bible
Why? Cause the original first words in Hebrew were:
The first words of the Bible were originally written in Hebrew:
Reshiyth Elohiym bara adamah shameh
So, the first few words of the Bible originally said:
"At a certain time, we chieftains [supervisors] prepared the earth [soil] and its atmosphere."
But in 1611 Shakespeare wrote the opening sentence of the English translation of Tyndal for the Bible (KJB)
"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and Earth"
( completely misleading - but oh so poetic.) - go figure.
****
This part was pretty good in my opinion:
The Atlanteans will send an emissary.
They are skeptical of Hillary Clinton's offer of autonomy.
The emissary will be born to a virgin girl impregnated through
in vitro fertilization and will experience terran life.
The halfbreed will communicate telepathically with Atlantis
and be amphibian.
They have sent sperm to the naval armada over the Great Rift.
The depressurization is too great for Atlanteans.
********
Now you are back to lecuring the reader:
"Remember there can only be one God.
And God is all powerful."
Btw: There are thousands of religions in the world with just as many gods. (Google that)
Where is your citation for this statement?
"Moses was warned not to climb Mount Ararat,"
I think you have an interesting idea about Atlantis - but I suggest you stay away from false assumptions about God - as if you have been elected to represent him or her or them.
I still gave you an above average rating because of you Atlantis and Clinton idea.
woke Lacy up = a clumsy way of saying it and distractive. woke-up Lacy would have been smoother in my opinion.
Their bedroom == when only one person has been introduced, it is not realistic for you to say 'their'.
The sheets had become an animal with Lacy caught in its teeth. = not a good analogy - very distractive and as a reader I am saying oh no not another exagerrator of reality.
'No good SOB, he probably started this = I suggest you find a better term than SOB.
Do your research - interview a fireman = this is not realistic. dangling cigarette had been the trigger to destroy and now the monster was a flaming inferno.
You can't just guess how things work. You cannot even push a pillow through the average window screen == this was unrealistic = She pushed her daughter out of the window screen. The poor kid was crying again but she ran for Doris' house right next door.
If you can't breathe, you can't do the things you said afer you said you couldn't breathe. = and asking God to save you is pedanic. = unrealistic = She couldn't see or breathe but she knew every inch of this matchbox. "'Dear God in heaven, if you are real, please help me save my baby".
She crawled along the floor, flames licking at her knees, feeling her way. (You are already dead because you have not breathed in the last 60 to 90 seconds.)
When you write a story at least walk through it and see if what you are saying is even physically or scientifically possible.
Publshers have said a multiude of times "write what you know about. And if you don't know what you are taling about, researh it until you do."
Pretty good. It set up the general acceptable premise, and then it told how you felt in particular/
This is the part I liked best:
Words are my currency
And they lend reality
To what is really going on
In my life
And certainly everyone else's
What I write
Holding nothing back
Like a knife they cut
To the bone if need be
Whatever it takes
I have no shame
Obviously, I think you are the cat's pajamas, when it comes to reviewing and giving good advice in your above article.
However, comma, I am having difficulties with understanding the following advice from you in this article and in your advice when you reviewed my work.
1. "Keep a character's actions with his or her dialogue."
"[I have tried to do this. Not just because it is a good or required rule of thumb, but because it helps with the flow -- it allows the reader to digest the information easier.
However, I carry that idea to an extreme, I include 'all' the character's action and thoughts and even narration related to what he or she is saying and thinking in one paragraph until we get ready to mention another subject or offer another person's dialogue or reaction. Let's call my extreme form of writing "Lumping."
--- Please tell me why 'Lumping' is a bad idea. -- I have no axe to grind on this point, I will be open-minded to your views on the subject of Lumping.]
I am new here and it looks like this is a review of what I wrote.
So I will review the opening story before mine.
It was set up just fine - to the point that even though I avoided these interactive stories in the past - I was hooked into participating in this interactive story.
I have just spent over an hour reviewing and trying to help you with your story, because you threatened to report me to the moderator for not giving you a good review earlier.
You need to work on respecting the reader. The following opening tells the reader that you were given the wrong order .
I fancied a Fillet O Fish. Not a bleeding Big Mac with chocolate milkshake?
However, it seems you betrayed the reader in that you were not given a bleeding Big Mac with a chocolate milkshake, but you pretended to the reader that you had received or been offered a chocolate milkshake .
You seem to have done the two worst things that can be done to a reader, One, you betrayed the reader by setting-up false information (told to the reader), and two, you confused the reader by just throwing a bunch of sentences together.
You wrote "What!" Did you mean "What?" - You need to work on your punctuation.
Definitely not a chocolate milkshake! .. Is this dialogue? If yes indicate it with proper punctuation (quote marks) -- If this is not dialogue then you are stating a fact. When stating facts, try not to use the term definitely. It tells the reader that you think you are omniscience in that you are a know-it-all.
You wrote Only joking! - are you chatting with the reader, or is this dialogue? Use quote marks if it is dialogue. Plus, An exclamation mark after the only joking does not fit unless you are condemning someone - in which case, how could you scream the words "only joking" ?
Anything would do really, but my preference really would be a Fillet O Fish.
This line is repetitive and we still don't know who you are saying it to.
must be chicken nuggets!
-- here you are screaming again with the exclamation point. And if anyone, in real life, did scream such a thing, he would sound like a lunatic to emphasize "nuggets" instead of "must".
I suggest you look in a mirror and read the beginning of your story. For example, you would learn that screaming that phrase would make someone call the cops because you would sound threatening.
Oh yeah and the unified 'Curry sauce' Right! .... Punctuation problem and you are screaming again with that exclamation mark.
Pat - all = punctuation problem
the excellent choice of a Big Tasty meal = What made it an excellent choice? For an author to tell a reader that something was excellent is once again telling the reader that you are omniscient.
Dave, Gerry and Pat - all voted == Was there an election and they voted?
Must be funny for those three though == never tell a reader what "must" be true. Show examples of the situation; don't declare it to the reader
It was good of them to let him out for the day really. = adding "really" to the end of a sentence means you are trying to convince the reader to believe what you said this time. It means that you may have lied to the reader in the past, but this time you are "really" telling the truth or you are telling the reader some great "truth."
I bet when those cuffs come off, his wrists are red raw and Fred too. Wonder how they chose - 'who's wearing the jewellery today then?' Maybe they pick short straws? I know - paper - scissors - rock. Fred looks ok though, considering... Supposed to be out soon, hope so!
I suggest you work on the punctuation and grammar of the above paragraph. Btw: jewelry is spelled wrong in your above paragraph,
Poor Dave obviously lost today! == Why are you screaming again with that exclamation mark?
Terry's supposed to be coming, Julie's phoned him == What does "Julie's" mean in this sentence?
Dear Telboy,
I am sorry that I couldn’t stand to read the rest of your work. (I spent over an hour reviewing as far as my stomach would allow me.}
Is that enough effort, or are you still going to report me for not spending enough time reviewing your entry?
I suggest you study punctuation, grammar, and other writing techniques at a local college or high school night school.
You asked me to send your GP points back to you or else you would report me to the moderator for not giving you a good review. So, I am sending you back your Gift Points
Did you copy this out of a book? Why did I ask? Cause it was excellent,and of course, I know it is your work, because I just read another one of your stories and it was great like this one.
This story could be used to teach creative writing at a university. Why? It has all the basic ingredients; empathy to pull the reader into the story, a challenge, then kismet, and then a tragic ending, but yet an optimism that says "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never been love at all." -- my paraphrase of a famous song.
Anyway, Kathie, I sure hope you will review my story "Ancestors of God," and give me a few pointers and trade secrets -- lol
This was my favorite scene -- it could be the dialogue for Law and Order on TV.
So Joan took off and Martha gathered everything up. She had it all in the car and was about to climb in.
"Lady, hey...... you know Dusty right?"
The guy was a wiry hispanic guy in dirty clothes.
It was getting dusky.That time of evening when dirty warehouses, garbage, and nothing green was like a stark black and white horror movie.
"I don't know you," Martha said. She was about to close her car door.
"But ya know Dusty? Her ole man lookin for her. He's mean and packin. Says that baby ain't his and he goin teach her a lesson......called her 'lyin bitch'!"
"What can I do? Call the cops?"
"Yeh, lady, you dumber than dirt. He's goin kill her!"
"I don't know where she is." Martha was sweating and had to urinate.
He was coming toward her car so she climbed in and started it.
"Ya better find her or she be one dead ho!'"
Because you are such a good writer, I would appreciate it if you would review the first chapter of my story; Ancestors of God Chap 1 - The Invisible Enemy
Well written mechanically, but very cofusing for me. Plus, memorizing a list of names is not my cup of tea.
That leaves Julie, Jackie, Mick and of course Terry when he gets his arse in gear and gets here!
'alf past one.
Fred's only got a little while longer - apparently, he and them three, have gotta leave because of the traffic, anything after that, Fred, Dave, Gerry and Pat might be late back, and that cannot happen. Pat reckons the latest they can leave is about three o' clock.
This "was" my favorite guideline that you presented:
Douse all forms of the verb "to be." That includes is, am, are, was, were, be, being and been. These are dead verbs that say nothing. According to Wikipedia, allowed forms are: become, has, have, had, I've, you've, do, does, doing, did, can, could, will, would, shall, should, ought, may, might and must. The fact that they are allowed, however, does not make them desirable. Get rid of as many as possible because they weaken sentence structure. Likewise, using "could" or "would" will drop you into a trap that you'll find hard to escape.
I would only add, "Write what you know about. If you don't know about something, research it until you know more about it than the reader could possible imagine" .
Retired Intelligence Officer, Captain Wayne Thornton
Good writing indeed. But to help you out, not one reader in a hundred would know the meaning of ephemeral.
Don't mess-up your great story by trying to impress some pseudo intellectual agent .
I especially liked this part:
Then, with a devilish haste, the thing smiled at me. The scarlet red lips gave way to another terror: two rows of sharp teeth, dull and grey like their owner’s skin. They were pointed and fierce and wicked and raw. The worms of fear were purged from me at this sight. In their stead came the true killer of men: despair.
Anxiety, fear–these are the emotions of a man going down a path unknown.
Because You are a good witter, I am asking you to review the first chapter of my novel, Ancestors of God
or else I didn't notice the research done in the first paragraph.
Anyway, I especially appreciated this part:
What Americans think, feel, vote, and say has zero bite.
With millions of votes Diebold stolen, accountability: so slight.
NeoRadical RepubliCons chose how to so waste our might ---
Just where, when, and why we had to go START a fight.
They'd planned for Iraq, with 30 years more oil still in sight.
Must control the price and flow into OUR gas tanks, right?
Exxon-Mobil, BP, Shell - profits future sure looks bright!
Hyped bogus threats, then fanned the flames to such great height.
Made sure 9/11, Anthrax, and mushroom cloud fears fed the fright.
I have raised my first rating - because I felt your poem had improved
i was optomistic in your first few lines, but I felt a lot of sadness when I read your last line.
A rose isn't always red,
as a girl, a bright sunny yellow one I found.
as a woman, in delicate pink I was drowned,
but with romance dead -
cut down, a rose turns a rotting brown.
I concede to your expertise. Except for my lack of knowledge about some helicopters, your story was excellent. I enjoyed your story.
I flew T-33s (T-Birds) at Spokane, and then A-1Es (prop jobs) in Nam. Even though, I was classified as an Intelligence Officer. And then I was a Raven on B-52s for interdictions runs against the supply trails of Laos, Cambodia, and North Vietnam.
This gift of life
hangs precariously for
Men living half dead
wording sounds watching
from brokenness
Heart sighs
O how will wills
can I make him rise?
But you opening paragraph was too long without starting a new paragraph.
A feeling of nervous expectancy hangs in the air this April afternoon. Cadet Officers, their sabers sheathed, stand at rest before the assembled platoons and squadrons of one hundred and ten officer cadets.
Behind the reviewing stands, a dozen flags representing Canada, Britain, and the provinces cracked like rifle shots in the brisk wind while the Vandoos regimental band plays excerpts from current popular music.
Dignitaries, be-medaled senior army officers and parents gaze upon the formation of officer cadets, their white web-belts drawing a straight horizontal line across a sea of navy-blue dress uniforms; silver bayonets fixed on lowered rifles sparkle as the occasional sunray peers between racing clouds. All await the arrival of the legend, Viscount, Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery.
And it begins to rain.
But guess what, Helicopters have a lot of trouble flying in cold snowy weather. (anyway they did when I was a missile launch officer at Minot North Dakota. Snow day, no helicopter rides to the launch control centers. We had to drive a station wagon there on those days.)
They’d been shooting at me from the air, some kind of attack helicopter. Last thing I remembered was jumpin’ over some rocks near the edge of the cliff and trying to grab at another big rock to stop my slide off the edge. Musta’ slammed into it pretty hard, hit my forehead and knocked myself silly.
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