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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wertyiustudios
Review Requests: ON
40 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I do not correct grammar mistakes unless they take away from the story. I make comments about the world and relation to the piece, and point things out for you to ponder upon. I'll talk about my initial reaction to the piece and suggestions based on this. I tell you how you could make your piece resonate more and mean more.
I'm good at...
Talking about what I saw in my mind, how the piece relates to the real world, flow, things that could be elaborated on, etc.
Favorite Genres
Magical realism, surreal, fantasy, sci-fi, realistic fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, dark fantasy, drama, dystopian
Favorite Item Types
short stories, chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essays, super long anything, poems
I will not review...
anything longer than 3000 words, erotica, poems
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Demons  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well this is an interesting little piece. It's clearly heavily inspired by The Hobbit. It's interesting worldbuilding, but it fails to invest me in the world the same way the opening chapter of The Hobbit does, because I don't actually get to witness Vath do anything or interact with anyone. I need that character aspect that is so apparent in the Hobbit because it gives personality to the worldbuilding and gives me some investment in the story. After a first chapter like this I would not read on. However, if you either add a scene in the middle of this where we get to see him in action, or if you extend this chapter to include the visit, I think this could be a very strong opening to a story. Good work though, it is a very interesting world you're building.

Kee ponw ritin gon,
Sam
2
2
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! I saw you're a new member so here I am to review your work!

Right off the bat in terms of formatting: don't make it one large block of text. Split it up into paragraphs, or at least make the text bigger and make it double spaced. Right now, it will scare off the reader, especially a layman to the subject at hand, which I am (which should be a hint that I may be totally wrong about some of my assessments, so bear with me).

As for the prose, it is fairly choppy, doesn't read well, and is pretty monotonous. I would suggest reading the work aloud to yourself and correctly places that don't flow off the tongue well. It will improve readability greatly.

Now to the actual substance of the piece. Right off the bat, I disagreed with your claim in terms of what consciousness actually is. I agree that the zeitgeist suggests a connection, and it is a connection. However, it is a connection between separate consciousnesses that operate similar to one another but nevertheless apart. They interact but are not the same. An intelligent alien species would likely have the same connection with each other, but no such connection with us due to differences in how their consciousness operates. If I am misinterpreting this, please let me know because I really don't know the basics when it comes to philosophy outside rudimentary political philosophy.

I agree with your second sentence but I'm not entirely clear on how it relates to the first. A little explanation would be helpful here. In fact, this is a suggestion that would extend to the whole piece. You say a lot of things without actually explaining them, which makes it tough for people to see your point of view.

Toward the middle of the piece is what I find the most interesting. I will quote this so that you can see directly what I'm talking about in the following analysis:

"This is the fundamental teachings of all the world philosophies and religions: we are all made of the same substance therefore we should all treat each other as equals. It is a simple notion but one in which the majority of the world’s inhabitants seem to be unaware of. Selfishness and egoism predominate in the worlds of repetitive cyclical experience and oneness remains hidden and illusory. The search for God is in reality the search for the zeitgeist of the age."

I agree with quite a lot of this. I think that you have very concisely explained something that I had not thought about in relation to religion. I think your assessment that philosophies and religions are simply the search for the spirit of the age is absolutely correct. I also tend to agree with the idea of a cyclical human experience. Regardless of technology or culture, the same things happen with evolving tools and techniques, due to human nature.

As for your first sentence (I know I'm going a little out of order but this is just how my mind operates), I disagree. Just because we are made of the same substance (which I in part deny in terms of consciousness) is not the reason why we should treat each other as equals. Instead, it is a part of evolutionary human nature and it is called compassion. Compassion is not only for humans but also for some animals, especially animals that are cute and remind us of our own children. Compassion is what helps us through mutual protection and aid, child rearing, among other things. However, selfishness and egoism are also evolutionary and highly necessary for survival. While mutual support and group compassion are important, so is individuality when it comes to surviving in the wild (whether that be a metropolis or a jungle. We seek to help ourselves because if we didn't we could not survive in any environment, especially as a group.

You lost me in the last few sentences. I would suggest not dividing people based on their understanding of a subject, especially describing them as the accursed many. Additionally, this is seemingly contradicted in the next few sentences when you claim that it is better to not know than to know. Assuming you are referring to the claims you have just made, the leader is left to ask why you were telling them this at all if it is better to not understand.

Overall I like the piece quite a lot. I think there are a few formatting issues, problems with flow, as well as parts that could have more explanation, but in terms of substance only it is an interesting and thought-provoking piece. Good job.

kee ponw ritin gon, and welcome to WdC

Sam
3
3
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a really cool poem! Since it is a political piece, I am first going to comment on the form of the poem, what I like, what I dont like, and then I will address the politics.


Your rhyming scheme is pretty on point, I see very few issues. It is hard to create political poems and still keep rhyme and rhythm intact.


As for the politics, there are some things I disagree with. I 100% agree with your first stanza. Trumps divisiveness has very much split America into partisan factions, and has in many ways contributed to the beginning collapse of the Republicans (in ideology) and the Democrats (in leaders).

For the second stanza: I would say distrusting the agencies that have constantly lied is not an inherently bad thing. I will say, however, that is distrust is only based on the fact that he needs to keep his base, and it benefits him even as more and more corruption is uncovered within his administration.

As for the third stanza: generally I agree. Trump's environmental policies will prove to be extremely harmful. I think high minimum wages are not always a good thing. The FBI did a study that showed that increasing the minimum wage increases consumer prices. That is something that contributes to my own city's (Seattle) skyrocketing inflation and extreme housing prices. As for trying to take away rights, I dont see him doing that. I have not seen a lot of sexism from him, and he hasnt addressed LGBT issues yet (Pence has been the one doing that).

I have no problems with the fourth stanza.

I disagree with your thoughts on immigration policy that you say in the fifth stanza. While I agree the wall is ridiculous, and I will agree that he is almost certainly xenophobic, I do not think his intentions are racist or islamophobic. The Muslim ban was perfectly reasonable. In fact, the seven countries whose immigration was stopped were the same countries that the Obama administration labeled as "Countries of concern", and his intention was the keep the situation under control until additional policy could be levied. As for the race aspect, I just dont see it. He wants higher border secutiry on our southern border because that is where the majority of illegal immigration, sex and drug trafficking take place.

I agree with the sixth stanza with the exception of your analysis of all Republicans of congress lacking honor. Republicans have the same goals as you or I, they simply have a different way of going about it.

The last stanza I disagree with only in the racial aspect. Trump has levied multiple programs designed to help impacted minority communities rise up, and has put black unemployment at an all time low. I love how you end the poem.

Thanks for sharing,
kee ponw ritin gon
Sam
4
4
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
If it were logically sound, I would like your analogy in the beginning very much. I agree that oppression faced by others, even if it doesnt currently or tangibly affect you, if let to rot will become the oppression of you. In fact, this is a very well formed argument against many things, including the legislation of hate speech and authoritarianism in general. I do take issue with the analogy of the bear. The premise of the joke is that you will be saved, as the bear will stop to eat your brother, giving you time to escape.

I would advise against stereotyping an entire group of people in a derogatory way, in this case white male conservatives in the South. The fact is that many of them share the same goals as you, and want to achieve equality, but they differ in their assessment of the issue and their solutions.


Interesting thoughts that I think you can expand more on

Kee ponw ritin gon,
Sam
5
5
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Heyo! I'm here to review your piece, if that wasn't already obvious!

I will go through the good things you do first, and then the bad, so that the things you can improve are fresh in your mind.

Good news: I like the ambiguity of how you refer to the woman. She is simply "the blonde". Interesting and mostly effective choice.

Paranoia is a very rare emotion to show up in stories these days, I find, and yet I find it one of the most effective. You deliver it very simply and matter-of-fact, and it works beautifully.

Your comments on fear are perfect. It made me think, and what you say is absolutely true, and something I never thought about.

The last part of the story kept me interested. Interesting and thoroughly horrifying descriptions and events. I am interested in seeing what this evolves into.

Bad news: The first sentence makes next to no sense. "As terrified as the blonde woman was of walking the two blocks in the light of the flickering street lamps to see her mother." Why do you include "As terrified as the blonde woman was" in this sentence. I think something that would make more sense is "The blonde woman was terrified to walk the two blocks under the flickering street lamps to see her mother."

I am going to stop correcting grammar problems like this, because there are a lot of them, but try reading through your work aloud so that you can find these errors in flow and grammar.

What is the sound of "flesh being torn from her bones"? This was a very weird and blatant description, and pulled me out of the story. I think you should describe it less bluntly. Then, it is more creepy.

One big thing. You need way more description. You have a lot, but this is horror. In horror, you need to describe every bit of what the character thinks and sees, while keeping the true events somewhat ambiguous. More more more description.

Good work overall,
kee ponw ritin gon
Sam
6
6
Review of A deep sleep  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Really cool work!

Good news: Very descriptive and it flows well, which is rare for something like this. I like many of your expressions and analogies you utilize.

Needs work: Right now, this is just a giant block of text. Its very hard to focus on, and isnt appealing to the eye, so it will turn many readers away. I suggest, since you have it organized, into lines, separated by the "She's gone, she's gone" type things. Another piece of advice I have is for you to read over this, as there are certain sections that are strangely phrased, or have too many words, and dont flow well.

Great job overall! Kee ponw ritin gon!

Sam

7
7
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! I found your work in the Read a Newbie section.

Good News: this is an interesting story, and I like the fast pace of it.

Things you could improve: I usually don't talk about grammar at all, but you need to go through and add punctuation, correct spelling, and change capitalization throughout the whole thing. Also, I think you should make the chapter longer. Expand on details, expand on events, and in general elaborate.

Kee ponw ritin gon

Sam
8
8
Review of Shards of Glass  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
I really like this poem.

Good news: its awesome you remember this dream, because its a really cool one. I like how you connect one thing to another to another to make the poem. cool idea. The story is really cool, and very like a lot of dreams ive had.


Things you could improve: The format is a bit strict, especially for a free verse, and especially for a dream poem. This is probably moe advice for future poems, because you shouldnt just rewrite this one (unless you want to). The style of writing doesnt seem very dreamlike. It isnt lucid, is doesnt flow like water from one line to the next and one word to the next. Especially when writing dreams, you want to keep the flow laid back and calm, even if something exciting is happening. It really helps the reader enter the world.


I know I didnt give that much positive feedback on this one, and that is because i couldnt quite place what i liked about the poem. I definitely liked it, as im giving 4 stars, i just dont quite know why.


kee ponw ritin gon

Sam
9
9
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think this is a good beginning to an interesting relationship. Some suggestions I would have for this are:
1. Try to add more and deeper thoughts. Also, add details, like what shes buying, what the store looks like, what the man looks like, what the woman looks like, or small twitches or adjustments people make to add more life and interest to the world.

Good work, keep on writing!

-Sam
10
10
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (4.0)
Love this. I like the metaphors in it, like "the rainbow giggles".

This is an interesting format for a poem, with the third line of each stanza rhyming. I think its difficult to create good flow, but you do it fairly well in this piece.

I cant really see anything wrong with this, great job!

kee ponw ritin gon,
Sam
11
11
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! I like this poem. It is short and funny.

One note. You know how there's an ad that appears in the corners of writings? If theres a way you can adjust the writing so that the ad doesn't make stuff shift over? That would be great.

kee ponw ritin gon!
Sam
12
12
Review of "Sleep"  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like this story. It's quirky and cool. Here are my thoughts:

Paragraph nine and ten: "Darren was so startled he almost ran the Chevy into a huge pine tree on the side of the road.
What the fuck?' he yelled, scrambling to get out of the car. 'Who—where—'"

How could he try to get out of the car if he's still driving it?

Paragraph twenty-six: "But the Hefty bag he put her body in was."

Hefty is capitalized. is this on purpose?

Paragraph twenty-eight: "Darren’s eyes bulged out of their sockets and his legs began to buckle."

I think you should expand this description. Something like "Darren’s eyes bulged out of their sockets and his legs began to buckle. His breaths came in short bursts and his body slumped to the ground."

Good work overall, I really dig this piece.

kee ponw ritin gon,
Sam
13
13
Review of Iowa  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this poem. Also it is funny, because my dad has a few job opportunities there, so we might be moving there. I'll let you know if we do :).

I think if you added another stanza about the people are places as well, it would make it even better.

Iowa is actually one of the 3 states that I have never been to. Alaska, Hawaii, and Iowa.

kee ponw ritin gon,
Sam
14
14
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ok, so to start off, really really nice beginning. Good hook, starts out strong. I dig that.
One comment on the first paragraph: try reading this allowed to yourself, the flow is a little sketch here and there, e.g., "I was on a carpet, and the amount of blood was large enough that we had to later throw the old thing away." (I would suggest switching the 'later' to an earlier part of the sentence.)

Ok so with a piece, first I kind of skim through it, and read the first few paragraphs and comment on what I see. What I see overall is the indentation for paragraphs. It's kinda wack and I think it takes away from the story a bit. So get that straightened out (literally).

As for grammar, I'm just gonna say read this over out loud. There are a lot of grammar mistakes and they take away from the story a bit.

I really love the voice you bring to this, with funny words like "tomfoolery"; I really dig that. The voice kind of teeters on the edge of serious and funny. Really cool stuff. Something that would help strengthen this voice is adding a bit more of Thomas's thoughts into the mix. Just him thinking. Ya know?

I kind of like the talk about the Vamp Gov't, and I think its really cool that there is a whole 'nother world that Thomas only discovers once he becomes a vampire. This is a really cool piece.

One thing that I would suggest is EXPAND BECAUSE I WANT TO READ MORE.

Thanks for sharing,
kee ponw ritin gon

-Sam
15
15
Review of STOP!  
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this piece. It has a certain ambiguity about it.

I love the line "I'm of another planet now, how can they smell me?"

Good work!

Kee ponw ritin gon
Sam
16
16
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, first thing I saw was that your paragraph breaks are in odd spots. For example, "He shivered and pulled his blanket around his shoulders, hoping to ward off the persistent wind. In the wagon behind him lay various furs and wine that he intended to sell at the town of Maldin.

The horses whinnied again, and he craned his head, listening. With one gloved hand holding the reins, he grabbed the bow that lay across his lap. Wolves were common in the surrounding woodland, and his neighbor had warned him before leaving."
These should be the same paragraph. It makes it easier to read. Of course its up to you; it can go either way, but that is what I suggest.

This is a great piece overall, I like the detail about the towns in the world and such. This is obviously inspired by the Wheel Of Time series, yet you add a little something, I don't really know what, but I like this style of writing far better than sir Robert Jordan. I do not know why, but I really love how you say how there are wolves around there, and about how he intended to sell things at this certain town. It draws the reader in and makes them more immersed in the story. One thing I would add though in this first paragraph would be "In the wagon behind him lay various furs and wine that he intended to sell at the [nearby/far/some other word about maldins place in the world] town of Maldin." this is a small note, and of course it is your call, but it would be cool to add this little bit of detail.
17
17
Review by ImaLukewarmPizza
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow, this is really amazing. Its rare to see a poem really tell a story, especially if its inspired by a commercial. Great job.
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