|Greetings! I am offering my constructive review of your work "Postage."
I enjoyed your work here with a bitter sweet flavor. The topic is certainly one that I am familiar with. You have some nice lines here IE:
"I feel it weighing down the bond that stretches between the miles from me to you."
"I write, hoping a night spent bent over my typewriter and 46 cents in postage can alleviate the burden of unfamiliarity."
"Half hearts drawn on envelopes – part of me is yours to keep."
"I keep your memory close. Like a smooth pebble in my pocket, I fumble my fingers around thoughts of you."
"I am bumping into your absence as I stir my morning coffee."
"Months are nothing more than bridges to where you are. I’m inching down this slope, day by day."
TITLE: The title has a good "hook" because it makes the reader want to read the item.
TEXT BODY: Your style is easy to read and the lines have wonderful imagery!
The only line that seems to be a tad off the road of my liking is this one: (My opinion , take or leave).
"I am hitting my knees on the corners of your memory as I move through the dark." It's a good line but I probably would have written something like: ( I am bruising my knees on the corners of your memory as I move through these dark days ). Just to give the line a more emotional feel.
GRAMMAR: In my opinion the first and last comma's are not needed as pause's because they obstruct the flow a bit IE:
"I am tired, darling, of check marks on calendars and time zones and “a table for one, please.”
I would write:
( I am tired darling, of check marks on calendars and time zones and “a table for one please.”)
I also believe that this line is a full statement:
"I keep your memory close. Like a smooth pebble in my pocket, I fumble my fingers around thoughts of you." so I would replace the period after "close" and change the following word "Keep" to a lower case k.
After the last quote mark of the line you need to add two spaces. In fact at the end of each sentence you should have two spaces behind each period, or exclamation point. Double spacing in such a way makes it easier for the reader to separate the structure into a more easily read article.
I think the last sentence, IE:
( "As I write this, I’m staring at the cream sheets on my bed and the imprint of where my body lays at night, and I can’t help but wonder if all this sadness and all these tears would dissipate if there were two silhouettes, instead of one." )
is great but should be separated from the last paragraph to isolate it's dynamic flavor! I also think that the first "and" in the sentence should be changed to a comma because it's an unnecessary small word in this case.
The theme is based on relationship separation which is a very difficult thing for couples to go through, especially military separation. The soldier often returns as a different person in personality since war changes one's outlook on life depending on the severity of duty. These words:
"burden of unfamiliarity" ( that you used ), often become continually applicable after the soldiers return home since the new personality of the soldier remains unfamiliar to the other partner.
This line, "I’m inching down this slope, day by day." gives us the impression that the separation is pulling the partner down. If the pain becomes too strong, the bonds by separation may break as the need for self preservation (sanity) takes over.
Over all, I found this piece to be harmonious in it's texture! Very well written and a worthy read! Keep it up!
Best regards! WM :)