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186 Public Reviews Given
192 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a natural grammarian, so that is automatic. I will review in whatever manner you need the most. Since my fee is actually about $5.00 realize that the GPS in real world currency is trivial.To have someone who enjoys good stories and writes as well, be willing to critique your work taking real time out of a real day is what every serious aspiring author wants. I don't rate high just to rate high. If you have not proofread your own work, why ask me too? You need to care, before I will. If you are a real rookie I will help as much as I can. If you are just writing and want kudos, I'm not that guy. If you are truly working towards ACTUAL PUBLICATION through an ACTUAL EDITOR and publishing company then I can be of assistance because I get good writing. I'm glad to help. I want to see you through the process and enjoy as you bask in your perfect, finally completed story. Look forward to helping young authors as I write YA. I truly want to help you be better.
I'm good at...
Dialogue. Grammar. Real estate - using less to describe more. It is important for me to read a story and get swept up in strong dialogue that is deftly blending action, setting with character descriptions and background. I need to know who I'm reading about, what is happening to them and where it is happening, so I can get cozy with and want to finish the story. Paint me a picture: sights, smells, quirks, personality, seasons; give me drama!
Favorite Genres
YA, Midddle Grade, Fantasy, SciFi, Non-Fiction,Adventure, Drama. No erotica. No romance.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello.

This review is simply my opinion and should be construed no differently.

You just want to reach out and slap Michael.

You knew a problem was coming but it was still a fair attempt to share a tale. And God bless fire retardent!

Keep writing.

WP
27
27
Review of FNAF new story  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello. This review is simply my interpretation of what I gather from your story. Take it and glean what you will.

I like the interactive aspect. You start with good choices in the description and that helps move the various plots(s) along.

Great idea. Keep writing!

WP
28
28
Review by writerpenman
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello.

This review is my personal opinion and are my own thoughts on your story.

Having said that here is my review.

The idea and plot are very intriguing and as such is generally perfect for an interactive. No telling where a great idea can take a story like this.

Will it ever be written as a story?

Keep writing.

WP
29
29
Review of Auria  
for entry "Chapter 7 - The Gift" 
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello.

I am looking more at your story and looking for consistency but again I am on mobile so that makes it a little harder.

Is this story plotted out? Are you writing stream of conciousness? I know sometimes, many times it is best to get the story out and then go back and shore up plot, grammar, character bios etc.

What has been your system?
30
30
Review of Auria  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello.

I thought I would review one of your chapters as a sampling of the others and give you my thoughts, very basic though they may be, since I am on mobile.

My quick review is the story needs a lesser word count. As you choose your words less is more. Use more succinct dialogue.

Your story is expansive. I will try to touch on that subsequently.
31
31
Review of The Book  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello.

This review is based on my opinions and thus are to be taken as such. Always seek many reviews for balance.

Ok. I will comment briefly on real estate. You need to say more, with less.

Also, look to use well-placed power descriptives/verbs.

Keep writing.

WP
32
32
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lol. WOW. I haven't chuckled like that in a while. i have taught for years and
I'm guessing that's one reason. it tickled my funny bone so much. Poor Owen
I also have experience with adoptive kids and I'm thinking their case worker needs a career change .


Good read.

Thanks for writing.

Happy Thanksgiving.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi.

You have a lot of chapters here to read through and I hope to do that for you. It will not be today, but soon.

I will focus mainly on grammar for now, and work into plot / character development / style on a later date.

I found over 25 misspelled words in this chapter alone. That really detracts from the enjoyment of a story.

I will, get into more depth later.
34
34
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello st.ifa.

This is strictly my opinion and should be taken as such.

I appreciate the topic and will not comment on grammar during this review. I will simply let you know, I always love to learn facts and understand them better. This has helped aim my studies on this topic more specifically.

For that I thank you.

I would like to have seen references. But, not a bad essay.

Keep Writing.

Writerpenman


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review of Freezing Weather  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tim Chiu.

It's a good tight poem, full of visuals that I personally enjoy. With the passing of this cold winter the US has suffered through, many of us can identify quite readily.

I'm wondering if line 10 was as you wanted it, and it may be that I misread it. Instead of the 'freezing temps' out of range, wouldn't 'warming temps' be right.

Of course, I do get the freezing temps are out of range, but just thought it may be more correct. I'm not sure.

Good read.

Writerpenman


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi.

This is based on personal observations just as in the last review.

Having read previously, ths segue is a solid buildup to some serious action that is about to happen Your scene description is ok, but could be much stronger. Use the five senses, to let me smell, see, and feel that hunting-lodge rendevous.

Your rising action has me anticipating the next chapter, and that is what every author wants to do.

Good job.

Keep Writing.

WP


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review of A Love Poem  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello.

these are based on my opinions.

A very well-written poem that to me, evokes a sweet sense of selflessness, and deep abiding love between two people seemingly unconcerned with what the world thinks. It is strong, passionate and complete.

Something about the workding is bothering me, but I cannot put my finger on it at this time. Is the final draft?

Great job.

Keep Writing.

WP


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review of Fear the Beard!  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.0)
LOL.

Being a sports fan and enjoying the resurgence of the "Chin Fur" I loved this.

Your rhyming is good, and word choice good.

It's too the point and has a nice flow. I don't see much need for improvement but if you tinker and play around you may see some longer versions come out, or punch up the lines you have. It's always a good idea to proofread, and re-write while keeping the original just to see, what our minds can produce.

Great job.

Keep Writing.

WP


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi.

These are my opinions. Take them as such.

Poetry is so powerful and enjoyable.

GRAMMAR

As I read "Angel of my dreams" I notice a few grammatical errors right away. First in your title, you did not Ccapitalize "Dreams' which would be appropriate.

Jasmine, needs to be capitalized.

STYLE: The repetition of the word 'my' is distracting as well as some of the construction of sentences. Often poetry needs less words per sentence to make it more powerful and majestic and entrancing.

AS written it is lacking an easy flow. Spoken, say or read aloud, I think you can make it 'sound' ok, much like the scene in the movie Cocktail with Tom Cruise at the end, or in The Lord of the Rings movies when the Halflings, Merry or Pippin jump up on a table in the Pub and throw out some rhymes.

With revision, this can be made into a very nice ppem, worthy of submission.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Druid (druid...if you desire)

This is my personal take on your story and offer it as a fairly avid-reader, and a student in training in the fine are of writing.

First, I find myself drawn in by the immediacy of the initial action. I want to know more, so that's a good hook at the beginning.

I feel it flows, conversationally quite nicely. I fell some of the paragraphs could be broken up into more manageable sizes, but nothing too troubling.

I feel a connection to the longing, and pain Ru, feels. It seems genuine. It is clear by your writing, an intense relationship existed, and they both want it renewed, and I want to see it renewed.

If you are desiring more of a grammatical review, I'll gladly go though it more if you'd like but have caught this simple one.

YOUR LINE: Funny that I didn't need to be told, that I still remembered your voice so well.


RE-WRITE Funny,(comma) that (<-- in italics to show emphasis) I didn't need to be told. That (<--in italics to show emphasis) I still remembered - your voice, I could never forget.

-------> Funny, that I didn't need to be told. That, I still remembered - your voice, I could never forget.

Also, if you really desire a solid, line by line review, there are some great reviewers that cost but they do a THOROUGH job depending on who you hire.

Good story. Proofread and edit, and continue to see unbiased reviews, then shop that sucker around and get it published.

Keep writing.

WP


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review of No Price Too High  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey,

Very good. I like this a lot. It is powerful and full of emotion and imagery. It reminds me of a 20 second movie commerical. Then the melodic voice of some unknown booming baritone announcing, "Opens in select theaters nationwide January 3rd."

It also seems like a snippit of a query letter.

Very nice.

Grammatically the only thing I see is a inconsistency in the slang.

"Whatcha you gon' do now?" should be "Wha'cha' you gon' do now?" I think is correct as opposed to the first dialogue line in the story.

"He gon' ask me one day, what dat freedom cost. He gonna ask, and when he do, I'll show him." should probably be, " He gon' ask me one day, what 'dat freedom cost. He gon' ask, and when he do, I'll show him."

Heck, I wanna' know what in 'dat 'der box woman?"

You have me interested.

Great stuff.

Keep Writing.

WP
42
42
Review of From the Shore  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful.
43
43
Review by writerpenman
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hey Lars,

Read about your little hedgehog who failed and got a laugh. It seemed to go a lot of places to get a laugh and that can be funny in poetry. One spelling error I found was 'remorse' but that coulr be a Euorpean thing like the English with 'favor vs. favour' not sure, lol.

Good luck with future writings and welcome to WdC.

keep writing

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
44
44
Review of The Promise  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.5)
This tells a powerful story in ababcc rhyme and works wonderfully. Flows smoothly, vivid images and the sad state of a man who seemingly wasted his life and a son who almost squandered redemption.

Most telling and appropriate to the human condition for this type of tragic tale as unfortunately truth such as this knows no bounds of time or socail status.

well done

wp


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
45
45
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Obg,

This is written containing a quick pace and we see growth in the character. It does seem like a carbon -copy of any hour long drama however. Not all stories have to be something unseen or completely new, but surprise does help drive the story home.

I enjoyed most the sppech by the protagonist's boss. It was well-spoken and not at all what I thought it would be.

Editing and proofreading would help this piece as well as better grammar. Commas need to be added to help sentences take on the intended meaning.

keep writing

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
46
46
Review of The Woods  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Navansa,

I liked the opening. "Metal clashed as the fight for my life began!" It might be stronger with: "Metal clashed; the fight for my life began."

Paring down extra words is what happens in a proofread and edit session. the word 'as' is repeated quite a bit througout the story.

Blocking the paragraphs and skipping lines, as well as dialogue having it's own paragraphs wil trememdously help this story flow easier.

I'm going to link an extremely well-written (pacing, descriptions, dialogue, pared down wording) for you to look at and compare too.

Great plot and ideas to your story. Keep developing it and continue writing.

writerpenman

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1850...

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
47
47
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Redlniquity,

What I liked: This has the makings of a good story.

Corrections: The flow of the story is very hard for me to follow. I mean chonologically I get it, but the descriptions of the house overwhelmed me. I was trying to figure out the structure of the house and then the interior of the rooms and that took away form the 'story'. I re-read the opening sequence several times before giving up, as I was losing interest. I'm a visual learner and had a hard time picturing the home.

If you re-work that sequence as well as the interior and the grounds and minimized it, your story would come through better. It felt like 'too much' information at first, and no 'hook' to interest me in the story.

I also believe dialogue given moslty it's own paragraphs help with the flow and readability of a story.

Passive vs Active: (your sentence- last paragraph) A low rumbling brought both woemen over to the windows. That is passive where the subjects come after the 'action' ov the verb. this makes a story much less appealing and strong. REWRITE Suggestion: Joven and Linda peered through the windows at a low rumbling growing louder; two moving vans with "Budget Moving" plastered in large red letters rolled heavily down the short, dirt driveway.

All REVIEWS are suggestions. Hope anything I mentioned helps

Keep Writing.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
48
48
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
hi luminous,

Any review is just an opinion, so remember that as you read this.

I believe this story could be more funny if you took some time to proofread and edit. There are some missing words in sentences and grammatical errors. Often repeated words and phrases prevent an easy readability.

But, this is a cute story and could be better. Take some time away from it, and reread it, proofreading yourself again and see what you would alter or add.

Definitely keep writing and enjoy it as you do.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
49
49
Review of Learning Through  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you so much for giving us this glimpse into something so personal. I can only imagine being in a place like that.

It seems as though life proved the winner and skies are less grey, maybe even a brilliant azure!

keep writing and keep sharing

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
50
50
Review of First Impressions  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello The Kid Writer

It is awesome to put out your frist writing and to get it reviewed. Anything I say is just my opinion, so you can take it or leave it. Nevertheless, Keep WRITING!!

If you are familiar with passive voice versus active voice, you could use more of the active voice.

EXAMPLE: Once a week, Tom cleans the house. That is passive
Once a week, the house is cleaned by Tom. That is active voice. It shows Action.

You often repeat phrases.

However, I feel your work can and should be proofread and edited, and you must continue writing it. you only get better as you practice and ony get really good when you EDIT/REVISE/ and allow others to PROOFREAD which I'm glad to see you doing.

Cheers and good luck mate.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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