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576 Public Reviews Given
577 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of Echo  Open in new Window.
for entry "Red Scented Dreams" Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Instead of saying "He had lost count some time ago..." say "He had lost count long ago..." as you used "time" in the previous sentence, in the same fashion. And in the next sentence, strike "...so many times..." as it's unnecessary by that point.

"...welling in her voice as she spoke." End this sentence with "voice" as the rest is implied.

"...broken homes and stopped to watch." Change this to "...broken homes to watch."

Take the first comma out of the last paragraph and then cut the last sentence to make it it's own paragraph. It'll appear more dramatic and inflicting.

As for the story itself, I did appreciate the beginning. I didn't see this as being set in the Victorian age just yet but I suppose those element will come in future entries. I also hoped you would touch on his "echo-reading" ability first and then divulge why he dislikes the Directorate. Just a thought.

I saw this in the Short Story Newsletter. Keep sharing and keep writing.

Than Pence
127
127
Review of A Soul's Bane  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a torrid set of dreams you've been having. I hope they've stopped.

The piece is filled with wonderful imagery. I do wonder if you would know if your eyes were bloodshot or not. I understand that, in the dream, you'd most likely be able to see if your eyes were like that but if you were in the first person perspective, you'd only feel like they were. Maybe you could say they were strained, sore, aching, or dry. I don't know.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
128
128
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a very well written and depressing story. It touches on the terrors of alcoholism and infidelity that affect more people than most realize. Very nicely done.

"...back into it cradle..." Change "it" to "its" and this is the only error I found in an otherwise masterfully written piece.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you fro sharing such a strong piece and please keep writing and sharing more.

Than Pence
129
129
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The story you've got coming across here is very touching. I love the two lines that begin "from the queen's country...". They really stick out for me, for some reason.

As for your presentation, I do wish you'd consider your punctuation uses. You end each stanza with a period as if each stanza is a sentence when many are multiple sentences. If you're worried about wanting each stanza to act as a sentence, I would suggest using semicolons in places where a period would be called for in the middle of your stanzas. A good example would be "alcohol,spirits and other fineries;" This is just a thought though, No need to change it if you don't really want to.

I would suggest capitalizing the first letter of each stanza though. When you have everything lowercase, that would be an instance where you're trying to denote that we're being dropping almost literally into the middle of something larger: something that we don't get to see the beginning of ending of. But here, you have a definite beginning and ending. Again, this is only a suggestion. No need to take my words with more than a grain of sand.

I saw this on the Plug Page. I also see that today is your first day here. Welcome to the site! You'll find it to be wonderfully addictive. I would suggest entering contests like The Writers Cramp, located here
FORUM
The Writer's Cramp Open in new Window. (13+)
Write the best poem or story in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPS!
#333655 by Sophy Author IconMail Icon
as a means of immersing yourself in the website and getting yourself exposed (in a wholly good way, mind you!).

Again, thank you for sharing and above all, keep writing!

Than Pence
130
130
Review of How Time Flies  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Time, it seemed, had an excellent sense of interior design." What a wonderful line and the perfect way of getting past the idea of "If he's adjusting time, who's the one moving those boxes?" I like it :)

The imagery of this entire piece is very charming. And, oh, how we all wish we could just turn back time and redo what's been done.

I read this because you read one of my piece. I see that you've entered quite a few Cramps yourself. I hope one of your pieces has won.

I also read your bioblock. I understand the situation that a relationship can put you in when you want to write. My former boyfriend wasn't very supportive of my urge to write but my current one is very supportive. Keep sharing and keep writing.

Than Pence
131
131
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm thinking this is for the latest Writer's Cramp (I found it in the Read a Newbie section).

First off, welcome to the site. You'll find this all to be a very rewarding experience, as long as you remain involved.

Secondly, your piece is sweet, but a little flawed. "Frog" is misspelled with your first usage.

Maybe add "up" to change a line to "She grabbed him up quick." It helps with the meter.

There's no stanza to match the beat of the ninth one, meaning there's only eleven total. To be balanced with your rhyme scheme, you need to add one or take that ninth one out and work it into another stanza.

Since you use ending punctuation on each line, you should consider quotations as well, and a comma after "Poof".

Overall, it is sweet but needs some polishing. And if it's for the Cramp, remember to add your line count at the bottom, Otherwise, they'll disqualify it.

Again, welcome to the site. I hope you stay around and active. And, above all, keep writing!

Than Pence
132
132
Review of Troubled Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice. I'm wondering if you might want to add question marks where you ask questions as they are important questions and will draw the reader to contemplate them even more.

I also was thinking that you might possibly touch on the idea that darkness can only exist because of light because, though you feel like two people, this helps explain a possible reason as to why you feel like two people.

These are just a couple of my thoughts but you don't have to listen to anything I say.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing.

Than Pence
133
133
Review of The Mentally Ill  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the lines "We should let them embark/On their concerned, yet hopeful journeys..." It really displays how the mentally ill seem to so easily escape. That's their only choice, it seems, since you point out that concentration is very taxing and consuming.

Presenting this piece as you do, it feels choppy. You could easily contract it in height by adding lines together and make the focus easier.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than pence
134
134
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think the first line should be it's own stanza. It's strong enough.

With the beginning of each stanza, you should be consistent with you commas when you're defining the times of day. You start it after "In the morning..." but don't use it elsewhere.

In the second stanza, use a colon after "choices" instead of a comma to help bulletin those choices.

In the fourth stanza, you don't need a comma at the end of the first line. The last line of that stanza doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Overall, it's a very soft little poem. I like the line "Just a silhouette".

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
135
135
Review of True World  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think in your description, it's supposed to be a "morbid realization of a teenager".

This piece is a little sad as we all grow up only to see that the world is filled with many things that are different than what we expected as a child: deceit, lies, theft, uncaring participants. You'd think that since we are all suffering at one point or another, we'd come together as a collective and stomp out what makes us miserable as a whole.

I found this in the Read A Newbie section. Welcome to the site! I hope you find it to be as rewarding as many others have. Thank you for sharing your piece with all of us. Keep writing!

Than Pence
136
136
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like how this piece almost feels ethereal, the way the lines move back and forth, swaying like a wisp of smoke or a snake.

I'm wondering if there should be a larger space between the fifth and sixth stanza, between "Universe" and "Dance".

I saw this on the Plug Page and now that I'm thinking about it, i was wondering if you'd check out my own piece of prose entitled "Sonic Doom". I only think of it because this piece sort of reminds me of it, though it has nothing to do with romance. Just a suggestion though. Keep writing.

Than Pence
137
137
Review of Ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this little piece in the Read a Newbie section so welcome to the site! I know you'll find that it's something addictive. You'll love reviews and hate them and yearn for them and then want to share them.

As for your piece, I think one long sentence is too much here. Where you put commas, just hit Enter and make each one a new line by itself. I do like what it's saying though: how we grow up to be disillusioned by adulthood. Thanks for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
138
138
Review of Something  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is almost touching. It should be presented in a better format though. Maybe give each sentence a new line.

With the part "Soft as whisper, but carries all the anguish of the earth..." I'm thinking you should add an "a" before "whisper" or strike the "the" in front of earth. It'll gel better either way, synching up the whisper and the earth.

God is also usually capitalized unless you say "a god".

And the first and last lines: switching "about" with "almost" might not stop the reader from wondering at the meaning. At first glance, I was thinking of it like "round about" instead of the manner you intended. Just a few thoughts though. Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Than Pence
139
139
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"...he may sustain his friend..." I think this might be changed to "...he might sustain his friend...".

Add an "a" into this sentence: "...cogs inside clock tower."

As the first section ended, I was already certain that the little clock would hold the map piece. But it didn't!

"...as if his brain had sprouted a tumour made of machinery." Quite a memorable line... and a vivid piece of imagery.

" 'Seven years of bad luck,' he said to the room. He glanced at the mirror above the mantle to see if he had perchance broken it as he slammed the door on his way out, thereby bringing upon himself the requisite term of ill-fortune." I love this passage.

This story is wonderful. It's adventuresome and the pace never slows. I'm so glad I read it. Is this for a contest?

I saw this on the Auto-Reward Reviews page and I'm very glad I read it. Thank you for sharing and, if it's for a contest, it really feels like a winner. Good luck, and keep writing.

Than Pence
140
140
Review of Old School Days  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I don't understand the line "Is he sound?" "Is he ours?"

I'm also not certain how they can wonder about a seating arrangement if it's on the board. Was it not on the board before they went on break?

"Pencilcases" should be "pencil cases".

I saw this on the Plug Page. Keep writing.

Than Pence
141
141
Review of Laundry  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...would suddenly grow impatient to be off;" I love this passage.

This is just a draft so I don't feel too obligated to point out the misplaced commas and such. It does sound like the beginning of a wonderfully enchanting fairy tale. And what could possibly have put the laundry back the way it was? Or what could have tricked her into seeing it all disheveled in the first place? Very mysterious and makes you think. Keep up the good work.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Keep writing.

Than Pence
142
142
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
"...listen to the story Avril, I swear..." Put a comma after "story" and a period instead of a comma after "Avril".
Instead of sasying "...hazardously comfy" say "...hazardously comfortable". Comfy is a word we use as dialogue.
This sentence: "One dark blue and obtrusively plain dress...as stubborn as her father." Is quite lengthy and confusing. Reword it or simply break it up to bring the point across more quickly.
That entire portion regarding Avril's choice of clothing seems to have just been stuck in there and already derails from the beginning and how there are two kingdoms instead of four. Starting with the curtains and ending with the skirts isn’t necessary, in my opinion. It gives the reader more incentive to read on if they know that a big block of description isn't about to come upon them.
"Like you she disliked..." Add a comma after "you". There are quite a few instances of comma usage that should be addressed.

Regarding the paragraphs, it felt almost chore-like to get through those large blocks. You are free to include as much description as you like but you should at least break the huge paragraphs into much smaller ones. Say, one block into five or six littler blocks. It'll make reading easier and also help keep information intact. It’ll also help you see that you have several run-on sentences.

As for the story, it sounds pleasant. After swimming through the descriptions, I see that you might have the beginning of something worthwhile here. Telling a story from two vantage points in time can work well. I do wonder if it will be balanced or if either Avril or Leona will get the brunt of the focus. Just work on your grammar and punctuation, and above all, keep the big blocks of type to a bare minimum and replace them with littler groups. In the long run, you'll appreciate it better and it will even help you edit more easily.

I saw this on the Plug Page and you were asking for reviews. I'm glad I read it because, although the execution was a little raw, the story itself was memorable. But you can take my thoughts with a grain of sand, if you wish. Good job and keep writing.

Than Pence
143
143
Review of Haunting Shadow  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a depressing piece. I guess it's good that you got that you were able to get that emotion across.

I think, to stay with the tense, you might want to change "shattered" to "shatter".

A possible title for this piece might be "Impact" since that's what your character is dealing with: the impact of words.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.

Than Pence
144
144
Review of Gucks  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...watch on Saturday mornings. (The Mighty Guckbots?)" Put the period after the parenthesis.
"On subsequent occasions and I found..." Change this to "On subsequent occasions, I found..."
A couple other instances of comma usage are present but not enough to take you away from this humorous story.
With a title like "Gucks", I was almost expecting something supernatural. I liked it.

I saw this in the Read a Newbie! section and I'm delighted. Keep writing.

Than Pence
145
145
Review of A Lantern Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not entirely certain what a lantern poem is supposed to be. Maybe it's the shape of a lantern but I don't understand the reasoning for it.
It looks to work out more like a word-association exercise. Is that the intention?

I saw this on the Plug Page. I thought the tag of being written by an 11-year old might indicate something unique. How old are you now?

Than Pence
146
146
Review of The Skirt  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha, Charley Dickens. That makes me smile for obvious reasons :)

What a very nice story of rebellion. I'm sure if I were a woman, I'd feel quite empowered.

"My boyfriend at the time..." Did they get married or no?

This was in a Short Story newsletter from nearly two months ago but I see that its been on the site for about four years and has had several reviews and even won an award. Nice job and keep writing.

Than Pence
147
147
Review of Doppelgangers  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
" 'I’ve been sat here talking...' " Take out "sat".
"...what to do I take a deep breath clench my fist..." Add a comma before "I". There are other instances of comma usage as well like with this part: "...had just witnessed I ask dad what..." A comma before "I" helps divide your sentence for better reading.
"...towards dad, he’s looking straight at me." Putting a colon instead of a comma here will make it a little more pointed. Or change it to a period.
The paragraph beginning with "The next morning..." contains choppy dialogue. Where you're using commas, you need to just put periods of semicolons. This happens more frequently as the piece moves on.
"...over the next few months that followed and was..." Take out "that followed".

All that aside, this is almost a chilling tale. I'm not sure how to pronounce Vardøgr b/c of the unusual character but that's no big deal. I do wonder why the monsters were trying to outright kill her when she saw her own father walk out and assumed that her mother did likewise. Did the monsters convince the parents to leave or maybe they were the spirits symbolically leaving the house? That's the only part that doesn't stick with me.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Needs to be revamped for your comma usage but your have a good start here. Keep writing.

Than Pence
148
148
Review of An Exotic Pet  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
"The little guy choked it down, but we got to see it again shortly." A hilarious line. Makes me smile.

There are a couple instances with comma usage. "...flung him to the ground, in unbelievable pain." Strike the comma. There were a couple others but they weren't obvious enough to draw me out of this soft and sweet story.

This was in the Fantasy newsletter from over a month ago and I'm glad I chose to read it. Thank you and keep writing.

Than Pence
149
149
Review of The Puppeteer  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a rather witty piece of work here. It only serves to remind me of the kinds of things I did on the Internet back in high school. The feeling attained by knowing that you've intentionally pushed someone's buttons has been captured graciously.

The respondents ask Josh "Who made you God?" and he almost acts as a god might: pulling the strings to get a reactions.

Very nice piece. I hope it, at least, got some sort of honorable mention in the contest. Keep writing.

Than Pence
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150
Review of Sirens  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...felt so completely in just..." I think this needs to be changed to "complete" or add to make it "completely fulfilling" because, as is, it's confusing.

That's the only thing that jumped out at me in this richly detailed and haunting work. It does feel like the sadness of the sisters is forced on the reader though as anyone might speculate as to why they don't even discuss the idea of going to the mainland and attempting a normal life. I realize that any fisherman they snag seems to abandon reason and their vessels but what about coercing a large sea creature into carrying them?

The only stuff I even remotely know about Sirens is what Piers Anthony has related to me in his Xanth books. This is different but still memorable. I saw this on the Plug Page and decided to give it a read. Nice job and keep writing.

Than Pence
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