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Review Requests: ON
576 Public Reviews Given
577 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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Review of Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first thing I’m noticing is the remarkable similarity to how Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire begins and how your story starts. A groan escaped me when that thought occurred but I persisted. Then I learn that a young boy who’s unaware of his destiny is at the center of your story and I then groan again. The similarities are too striking for me to let slide without comment.
What you seem to have done though is take it all to another world which is a nice change but you’ve given everyone such odd names that it’s very doubtful I’ve even pronounced them correctly. And there are so –many- of them right in this prologue that it could very easily get confusing. Like, I’ll have to go back and copy down individual names and what race they’re associated with if I’m to recall who is what and how.
I realize that since we’re in an age that has seen a lot of fantasy, it’s hard to come up with new ideas without drawing on older formulas and without creating much more complicated names. For those reasons, I must say that I do enjoy the premise. I also wonder exactly how the magic system works, and why it’s that one boy (presumably on Earth) is destined for Mage training. I myself am aiming to produce a series of fantasy stories that are set in another world, though I have none of that here on the site.
On a purely grammatical stance, go back and reread the piece. There are some catch-points that are noticeable. And possibly, if you’re aiming to work with these characters for the future, introduce the notion of “nick names” or shortened version of their names. Not only does it make a long name shorter and easier to remember, but the audience feels much more connected to the fiction people as they feel a little more real.
I’m now not sure if any of this helped but good luck anyway.
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Review of Tyler Comes to ME  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The construction of the poem is problematic. You have two equal stanzas and then a double-sized one comprised of a different rhyme scheme and then a final, dithering one that just repeats every other line of the first two stanzas.
It's almost like you're so overjoyed to have this Tyler character back that you've forgotten how to more coherently present your feelings. Maybe try reading aloud to balance it out more. That always seems to help me. Maybe even turn it into a nice prose piece. I'm sure that would work nicely.
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Review of my muse hates me  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not done reading but I have to say that the lack of any form of punctuation or capitalization is rather bothersome. Line 9 is troubling to read.

Okay. The message is very nice. Metaphorically speaking, you got distracted by a love interest and it hindered your creativity and now you can't get back into that creative niche that you were oh so comfortable within. Other than the grammatical issues and a few lines that read very harshly, it's very pleasant.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I wasn't sure if I was reading something coherent with a point or just a rant until I got to the end. It's a rant, indeed (or ramble, as that's the word used in the piece). It seems to point out all that you believe to be wrong in the world but offers no solutions. I cannot agree with that. Also, aberration is misspelled, unless that's on purpose, signifying that you're an aberration that doesn’t quite fit into the system of English spellings. I do like the end though, about saving yourself from plight. Very poignant.
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Review of Reunited Lovers  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It uses nice words that dictate a very serene feeling but the punctuation bothered me as not all of those lines are complete sentences, yet there are end-mark punctuations on all of them. The beginning of the fifth stanza is awkward for readers b/c of the word "solitary". Too many syllables for what you're trying to do. Maybe "Singular souls holding hands" will work better. Also, why the exclamations on the end of the last two stanzas? They seem forced when you've been conveying a sense of warmth and ease, not someone shouting out their feelings and such.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It's got some wit to it but it's not "laugh out loud" funny for me. In the 7th line, is it supposed to be "get" instead of "git"? I know that "git" is British slang for something and that tea time is usually a British thing, or so I thought. What are "teetotalers"?
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Review of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoy this. I wasn't sure if you were going for a rhyme scheme or not upon cursory glance but reading it like it rhymed and then re-reading it as if it without a rhyme scheme was much easier. I like the content too. I actually have a couple of prose pieces in my portfolio that are fully based on dreams that I had. They seem to be a place of unlimited potential. My fav lines are the first two in the third stanza due to the strong truth that lies behind them.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not sure that the analogy comes across. Like, I wouldn't pick up on it if you hadn't introduced it as such. It actually more sounds like you're discussing your love of roses than anything. For the tenth line, I suggest changing it to read as "But one that is all black and dead". I know a rose can't be completely black but having it be "the black" makes it sound odd. The part about metal piercing hearts; is that about cupid shooting arrows at people to make them fall in love or to show that people are easily lost to war, despite the fact that they're said to be in love? Just a ponder, I suppose.
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Review of My Really Bad Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite the sucky day, indeed. What was the green liquid mentioned in the very beginning? I can't imagine. In the second-to-last line, you say "waited till tomorrow" when it should probably say that you "waited till the next day" as that seems more grammatically correct, though I couldn't tell you how. Overall, nice progression through the sequence of sad events. Don't forget to capitalize the few I's that have permeated the text.
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Review of Crunch Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is actually quite intense. I don't know how but I felt like I was with the players, despite the fact that I've never played a serious game of football a day in my life. Maybe the movies helped me get there. There are some meter issues though. Parts where the flow is halted b/c of the meter isn't lined up like it should be. Read it out loud to find those problems and they should prove to be easy fixes. Otherwise, nice job.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
What the...? You need to better-organize everything here. Let's go for some proper sentence structure and a real plot. For instance, how'd the item come into the man's possession? What was his name? How far away was the kingdom? Did it have a name? You could easily expand this to make it something, just, more than it is. Reading it out loud should help you with the grammatical mistakes but the overall story needs a bit of help too. Yes, it says something about making selfish or evil wishes but you need to surround that issue with something more substantial than a man, a vial, and a kingdom.
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Review of The eye  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the imagery and the slow progression to something more but what is the conclusion? Is this kid forever doomed to walk the halls of his nightmares and be taunted by The Eye? Is The Eye supposed to be representative of what the kid always feels in real life, such as he's always being watched in his private spaces, i.e. his bedroom and the bathroom? I'm confused b/c you say in the end that The Eye is still there and that something doesn't feel right and yet, he’s simply back in bed as if back at the beginning. Clarification would be helpful. Also, some synonymous words were used like "through" for "threw" and "defence" for "defense".
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Review of A Well-Lived Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
How did the angels speak like a poem when the only thing they said was a single line? So his last day on Earth was a cloudy one. I would hope that my final day would be sunny or maybe just partially cloudy. The meter is almost perfect, could use some tweaking but you've got the rhymes down pat. I'm also very fond of the punctuation as it seems to have become a rarity in modern poetry. Maybe a little more info on what he did on that Final Day to signify that he did, in fact, have a Well-Lived life b/c as is, I only feel like he was trying to stay one more day and on that day, he just goofed around outside. Didn't bother saying goodbye to anyone or attempt to make amends if any were present. That would lengthen the poem considerably so don't do it just 'cause I suggested it.
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Review of OIL THE HINGES!  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is very sweet. I love using this rhyme scheme and have done so in twelve poems, though at the time I was creating them with peers in a class who were using much more complex forms of poetry and I felt I was devolving backwards but I now realize that I've progressed b/c finding the proper rhymes is challenging, especially if you want it to make sense, as you've done here. Is this truly an old Irish saying and what is "brougue"? Some ancient Celtic language? I’m piqued with interest but I don’t want to bother to look it up as I’m sure you won’t mind answering. The message overall is very true and tender too. Kudos!
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Gotta say it: Punctuation helps, and not just b/c it's grammatically correct to do so. It can help dictate the flow so much nicer than people think. Going from Line to Line without punctuation causes the reader to stop, go back a line and start over again but with the proper flow of reading until they realize that the lines don't flow into each other at all. That each is meant to stand on their own. With a period at the end, that point comes across with the first glance.
The message of the poem itself is a little muddy, though I like the rain imagery. The tears in the beginning are meant to be human tears, yes? If so, the sun would clear them up or, metaphorically speaking (unless I missed something), your love by your side. Yet, at the end, you don't want the sun to appear and are content with the tears and rain. Why? Just a personal preference I guess.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's very descriptive though I find that it's more difficult to review someone's work when it's trounced as an actual event. They hold personal meaning with it and can easily get offended if the proper things are’t said, as has happened to me a few times. Like Oley: Why withhold the last name? Why not give him a new one or just simply refer to him as Oley? There are punctuation errors here and there but that's nothing to be worried about b/c it can be easily fixed with a quick look-through. This sounds more like a cautionary tale than anything, saying hot we can't trust the old country stores b/c they aren't hygienically safe though I'm sure that’s not what you wanted to convey. Overall, nice story.
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Review of Only the Good  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I feel odd about this. She loses her husband and has sex with one of his employees right after the wake/funeral? That seems a little weird for me, especially since you said that she was pretty close to being a Saint when it came to living within the faith. I just don't know. In the end, Danny says, "I'll give you mine." Give her what? His truth or his friend? Is it supposed to be ambiguous? The 3rd and 4th paragraphs dealing with Ruth are confusing to read at first and takes a second reading to understand what is being discussed. I do like the parts concerning her boredom with Danny and how she wants to imitate the flowers. That's almost poetic.
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Review of Ah, What Wishes!  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It carries an almost childlike quality about it for it praises the wishes that most adults simply find distracting. I found it odd that there was no rhyme in the first stanza but one present in all the others. Is this to say that at the beginning of a dream or wish, disorder is present but we can make up a harmonical rhythm as we go along through the fantasy? This is moot if you're pronouncing "history" in such a fashion as to force it to rhyme with "sleep" though and if that's the case, forget what I've said. "Distant lands in reverie" and "From these ordinary men." is probably what you were aiming for in those lines. Otherwise, nice job and kudos.
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Review of Death of a Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Due to my recently learning a definition yesterday, I read your second line as "Wrapped in a circumstance of memories" and then I looked back and realized I changed it but thought it sounded much more eloquent with "circumstance" rather than "circle".
The second stanza contradicts itself in which you said you shed a tear for each memory but then you say that each tear is for memories that won't be created in the future. Same thing in the third stanza, but with "sad" this time, though I'm starting to wonder now if you're going for a double meaning/same stanza motif.
I love the 4th stanza muchly. It very much sums up the whole poem, which makes a nice argument that it belongs at the end.
It seems kind of weird for me that you saved any kind of rhyme for the last stanza but that's a personal choice, I suppose.
Overall, b/c it has no identities, it feels very much like other parted-friend poems, except for that very moving stanza that sticks out at me. It sums up your feelings, emotions, and thoughts in so few words and carries the meaning neatly.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I don't understand the big deal. When I lived in Minnesota, I was always taught to call older women as Mrs. So and So. When I was 9 and moved down to Alabama and didn't call any woman Ma'am, I was scolded. It was a weird transition and one that I still don't follow, but all the kids that grew up down here call any older woman Ma'am and it sticks with them for life, even as young children are calling them Ma'am. It's a Ma'am-a-palooza here in Alabama. Maybe this is a regional-specific essay but here in Alabama while I am now in my early 20s, if I'm talking to a woman that's older than me, younger than me, whatever, I call them by how I was introduced to them or how they introduced themselves to me. If I don't know them, I usually just say, "Hey lady/woman!” such as if they dropped their scarf. I don't get scolded for not saying Ma'am anymore but I do kind of snicker at those who will do it forever.
I know you’re excited at some parts in this essay but multiple punctuation marks used at one time isn’t necessary to further get your point across. Scan this again and see about comma usage. Some of the sentences will be easier to read with proper comma marks, like “usually by someone who looks, or, I perceive, old enough to be my father or mother”. Actually, that sentences feels like it’s missing word too, right around where the commas are. Overall, nice point to get across as I’m sure many women feel the same way. As for what your future husband’s children might call you, we call my mother’s husband Jim and nothing else. I guess just some random advice to think about.
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Review of THE WIND  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This almost alludes to the fact that She is dead. She says she's like Wind and can only be felt, not touched. She's facing the setting sun, always a nice symbol for death, and you don't end it with a They, but a Him, which possibly signifies that He is alone in the end, despite the fact that He can feel the Wind around him in His dead She. I'm probably reading this wrong or too much, as I tend to do but as is, I'm picking up dead She and content He.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This line made me grin: "That woman doesn’t get manicured. She gets honed." I though the name of the aliens was funny but I didn't get it at first until you mentioned the fact that women find them to be anatomically better than human men. During the part about the alien General at the first McDonalds, I was getting confused about who was talking b/c you use "alien" interchangeably. When I first clicked on this, I was expecting a Space Quest knock-off (I love those games!) but it’s cleverer in the sense that it’s told after the fact, much like Stephen King’s Carrie. Kudos.
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Review of I Wish I Knew  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Quite powerful. I'm not sure how you were able to get the emotion across in so few words but mission accomplished. I've never lost anyone personally but I do hear that it's more like wondering why they left rather than wondering why they died, just like portrayed within. I am curious how the death occurred. I'm sure it might be displayed within another poem but if this is to stand alone (and I don't know if it's supposed to or not), I'd kind of want a little more about the means of death, unless you just want it to be about how much they're missed by you. Maybe that's just a stupid suggestion on my part.
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Review of Item Statistics  Open in new Window.
Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The final part was the most helpful to me. The part regarding "group ratings" versus "individual ratings". I recently got a review saying that my Poe poem was offensive and it ruined my whole day b/c of the way that lady pushed her opinion onto me. The whole stats thing is a little demystified but I still look at them with a sloppy grin. That's only b/c you said we can tell which audience is being received best and I can never decide what audience I'm writing too. Thanks for the helpful stuff though.
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Review by Than Pence Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. Rather grisly at the end and it comes from such a tame (yeah right) story. When you wrote "A Robin’s breast flashed red past her window", I thought an actual Robin was sitting at the window but then you went on to say that it was Red Riding Hood. It was a brief moment of confusion. Did the miller die? You said the thumping stopped which kind of suggests that the miller either died or left suddenly. I remember that some guy with an axe is said to save grandma but maybe in this version, the Wolf got wise and ate him first. Thought it was good. Maybe write a version from the Wolf's POV now?
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