Room to Write by Bonnie Goldberg: Piece by Piece Exercise page 9 :)
You couldn’t even care about me. It was always the same. It was always the same thing on different days and never did I worry about you. Maybe that was because you didn’t want me to. Who knows?
After all, what I once held so dearly was you.
Aren’t they all part of the game? You taught me the rules and then changed them. Whatever happens is only the effect of your passion.
Sometimes I think that you never truly understood the darkness inside me.
Lost in my eyes
A glimmer of hope
Shadowed by defeat
And maybe it was always meant to be this way.
And sometimes no one at all.
I thought about being lonely today. I thought about it for a really long time and then I chose to stop thinking about it. I kind of shrugged and moved on. Then I wrote a letter and burned it, watched the ashes float up into the sky, and I cried, but only a little, but no one was there to see, because I was all alone, after all, and those tears didn’t count.
Sometimes you bottle your emotions and I count my tears as they fall unheeded by others but most times it is I that bottles emotions and keeps them locked deep inside.
Sometimes, you call and I hang up the phone without saying hello. I just pick it up and place it down again, a soft smile of wistful longing upon my lips, and then I shrug and wash the dishes.
You left me. I left you. It was all a game, after all. Why should you be the only one to change the rules? Why should you be the only one with the playbook? Shouldn’t I know where to go?
Dawn came and I stared at the sun until I couldn’t see. I closed my eyes and half hoped that I would never be able to see again. But I hadn’t burned them beyond compare, just wounded them, and I guess that was enough, because I was able to see much clearer afterward.
The desert is around me now. I am so thirsty.
Wow. You saw a glimpse of me. Did it frighten you? You ran away fast enough. I’m crying. I’m sorry. Does it matter? Not really. I am no longer with you. I guess that’s enough to damn my soul.
What a beautiful sunrise!
What a bleak sunset!
It is a massive attack and it beats at me from the inside. Is that my heart? Is that my sobs? Is that me at all? Where did I go? I think I left. I wonder where I am…
Sometimes I prefer to follow. If I could just undo so much that has been done. The cliff is crumbling beneath my feet. Oh, well, I can still stand. I can still stand.
That’s right. There are tomorrows. So long as they are granted to me. I will live and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will face the day with promise. Because that is something that has never left me, His promise, and that is why I can stand here, on this crumbling edge, and gather close to me the remaining pieces and go forward.
I’m not alone. I’m just sitting here alone. Is that a choice? Yes. But sometimes it seems like the only choice. But I won’t leave it that way. I won’t linger here. The cliff is almost completely gone. It’s not safe here. So I will leave. And, tomorrow, I will watch the sun rise and I will feel the healing, if only slightly, until one day, the pain will leave completely.
I have seen others tears. Maybe, then, the pain will never leave. You were a part of me, after all, and that is enough to make the pain linger, but I won’t think about that right now. Or, possibly, never.
And then remember. Remember that you are special and so am I. Remember that truth should be spoken, yes, but tenderly, lovingly. Remember that imperfection is our curse and that we are to love despite it, love through it. Remember that every day brings the promise of love returned and of hope restored. Remember that we are saved for a purpose and that we are all family, regardless of where we live.
In the place where I died, I was restored. Maybe I should have turned then. The pain for myself and for others would have been a great deal less. But, I cannot fix that now. The time has come to surge into tomorrow. I guess I should just sigh and swallow. I’ll send out the farewells and then it will all fade, like a painful burn you always remember, and that day, when everything is fine again, it will be as it should, and the choices we made will have their consequences.
He has assured me that I can be found, wherever I am. He assured me that I had to choose and then I would no longer be divided. It hurts but I’ve made my choice. Negating all things with a simple word. Yes, I have chosen to go and though, now, it seems as though I can’t possibly bear the weight, I know that it will lighten and that in His arms, all things will be restored.
Do not worry. Do not fear. Have no doubt. It is His grace that sustains us. No longer will I attempt to hold myself above the water. He will hold me above the water. Why do I feel so chaotic? Because I’ve withdrawn from Him. Now, I will return and He will enfold me. It is better to be with Him, in His courts, one day, than a thousand anywhere else. I will go to His courts and be forgiven, be held and be comforted and nothing else will matter.
No, it’s not a game. The rules are unchanging. But, tomorrow is another day. I will surge into life and I will love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and in His arms I will find my assurance. There is nothing too hard for the Lord.
January 26, 2010