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Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Entertainment · #1941689
Is Superman a criminal?

        Eugene Herdfield appeared to be no one of consequence.
    Most people felt he was boring and stupid. Eugene made a living
    draining septic systems and smelled of shit. He really wasn't very
    nice either. But, Eugene was not human. He was from another
    dimension. In his universe he was like a God. His strength was emense
    and his powers of E.S.P and healing were supernatural.

        But, he didn't care about anything except sex and beer.
    Honestly, he did not care about anyone; not even his wife and kids
    that he left behind in his alternate dimension. He was such a louse.
    One day a beautiful lady came to his house to present foreclosure
    papers. Eugene snorted, "I'm a God! Go fuck yourself!" The lady smiled
    and left the papers on the porch under a pile of beer boxes.

        Eugene decided to rob a bank and he didn't use his superior knowledge
  of science either. He dug a tunnel up into the bank vault and took all the money.
  Then, he took the money and deposited it into an off shore account.
  Eugene was a million heir. He paid off all his bills and had lots of sex and beer.
  But, he felt cheated... Where were his worshipers?  A God should have
  religion and followers.

        Eugene made up an internet church~ The Church of Ass Kickers.
  The first commandment was  "Thou Shalt Worship Only Eugene."
  Amazingly, his church was popular with many college students and
  retail employees. Eugene gave his followers a list of things to do to get
  stuff and a happy life. If they had lots of stuff, then Eugene would sell them
  a subscription to his website ~ "I Got Great Stuff For Sale."
  A popular items was a Pocket Pussy with a vibrator Long John Silver.
        Eugene rented out his home to slave followers, who would do anything
  to sleep on his floor. He called them Crew Trainers. He had fun with that.
  One day a baby carriage rolled down the walk in front of Eugene. The mother
  screamed  "Save my Baby!"  Eugene watched as the baby carriage hopped off
  the sidewalk and slammed under a bus. The baby was splattered everywhere.
  Eugene never left his stoop and popped another beer cap. A follower asked
  why Eugene did nothing. He replied: "I am not a baby sitter."

        His depraved indifference for the baby's welfare made the evening news
  broadcast. "This great doctrine of Eugene Herdfield has allowed and innocent
  baby to be pulverized by a school bus. Charges of accessory to murder have
  been filed. Eugene response to these charges was an obscene tirade."
  's trial was swift and he was sentence to life in prison. He laughed
  at the judge and walked out the courthouse despite a hail of gunfire from the
  police. Eugene was a hunted man, who felt no need to hide. He was unrepentant,
  "A God does whatever he pleases."

        Eugene's defiance of authority made him an overnight pop celebrity.
  His church grew globally. And many of his followers sacrificed their babies to him:
  rolling them in baby carriages into traffic. "It is Divine Providence." one mother said
  as she shoved her baby into a baby carriage and let it roll freely into traffic.
  The baby and carriage were flattened by a Dorito truck. The driver swerved off
  into a van of Baptist, who had been protesting at an abortion clinic. All of the
  Baptist survived, but the Dorito driver was crushed by boxes of Doritos.

      Eugene proclaimed the day ~ "Free Dorito Day."
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