Jack o' Lantern briefly converses with a conceited pumpkin at a County Fair.
|"Hey, bodacious broad. I know this is the County Fair, but I saw them bring ya in with a crane. Never seen such a grand entrance." "Excuse me, are you referring to me as corpulent, thickset, squat, and dumpy? Hmph. I'll have you know I'm no generic pumpkin. Are you ogling me, or is that a leer?" "What? No, I'm just starin'. Kinda hard to miss ya what with ya blockin' out the sun an' all. I can't blink none. Went under the knife fer a few tweeks. My skin's still tight an' raw. So, you a broad? A girl aintcha?" "I, sir, am a mature woman. I can trace my impeccable roots back to the Patches, the Patches of Patrick's Pumpkin Patch. We're premiere, and have the ribbons to prove it." "Huh, if ma cousins the squash could see me now. I tol' em I was goin' places. Bright lights an' the smell a popcorn. Do ya see ma grin? What's yer name, yer orangeness?" "Patrick has always addressed me as Perfect Princess. Oh, I love the pampering, and I'm well aware that I'm an autumn. My skin tones are warm, orange flatters me. I think of myself as more of a russet, or a vermilion. Since a red ribbon is in my future, you may refer to me as Carmine." "Well, howdy Carmine. Friends call me Jack. I aint the first. We Jacks get 'round. Maybe ya heard of us? Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack Sprat, Jack Jumped Over the Candlestick, Jack and Jill, Jack Sparrow, Jack O' Lantern." "No, no, can't say that I have. My time has been spent perfecting my shape, and bulking up. Patrick promised I'd receive the attention I deserve. Wait, is that a blemish? Why is this happening to me? Ack!" "Whoa! Big Orange, don't get yer knickers in a knot. It's just a shadow. Look, I'm sittin' in one." "Whew, I started to glisten there. Patrick wants me to glow, not glisten. Wait, what are knickers?" "I dunno. Somethin' I absorbed. Been here at the Fair a while. Guts n' things get spilled. I tell ya, it's opened ma eyes." "Really? Tell me, do you see my red ribbon approaching? It will be impressive, of course, just like me. Satin and I are made for each other." "Wow, it's true what they say 'bout ego size. Yer right full a yerself. I aint had no ribbon though. I reckon this is ma last Fair. I aint stickin' 'round." "I plan to travel and collect many first-place rosettes. Patrick assures me I'm the best. People will be in awe when they behold my beauty. Jack, your eyes are flickering, or smouldering. Are you sure that isn't a leer?" "I wish I hadda tongue to bite. What er all these teeth fer? Carmine, just remember, all gourds splatter tha same." 477 words|