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Rated: 13+ · Essay · Contest Entry · #2222947
A troll's philosophy on crises
The Troll’s Guide to Solving A Crisis

I’ll be honest with you. In spite of days pondering this matter of crises and wracking my brains to think of a crisis I had dealt with, I came up empty. In desperation, I turned to my friend, Grundlebletch von Hoogenspit, and asked him how trolls dealt with the matter. His answer was somewhat surprising but I’ll give it here since I have nothing else. The best way to report this is to attempt a transcript. The nuances of the troll dialect sometimes reveal more about the depth of his answer than would otherwise be apparent.

“Woah, a crisis,” he began, “that can mean a lot of things to a ooman but very little to a troll. We ‘ave a way of dodgin’ such things entirely, yer see. Take this ‘ere COVID, corona virus, covid19 thing f’rinstance. There’s yer problem to begin with right away. Wot’s its name then? Yer’ve got so many names fer it, no one knows wot it’s called. Now a troll, the very first thing ‘e does is give it a name. One name, that’s all that’s needed and everyone knows wot they’re talkin’ abaht. And not only that. Giving a thing a name contains it and lets us get ahr ‘eads arahnd it. Leave it nameless and it becomes this big, spooky thing that gives us nightmares. Let it ‘ave lotsa names and it becomes really scary cos no one has it in persictove, er, perspiciousive, no, perspective, that’s it. A name, that’s wot’s needed. Call it one thing and it’ll shrink dahn to reality right away. Now we can deal with it.”

He paused there and stared off into space for a while. Presumably, he was getting his thoughts in order for he soon continued, “Now, ‘ow we gonna deal with it? Yer av’rage troll, once ‘e knows the name of the thing, ‘e’ll just ignore it. ‘E won’t make plans or decide wot to do, ‘e turns his back on it and refuses to give it the time of day. Problems don’t like that, yer know. Most of ‘em will get the ‘ump and wander off, if yer ignore ‘em long enough. And it’s the same with yer virus crisis. ‘Ow many trolls do yer know that died from it, ‘ey? What? I’m the only troll yer know? Yer need to hexpand yer social circle, me lad. But look at me - ‘ow dead am I? I’m not, am I? And it’s becos, fer me, there is no virus. If I keel over tomorrer, it’ll be because that’s me time, me allotted span and orl that. But I won’t ‘ave wasted any time worryin’ abaht it, I can tell yer. Life’s fer enjoyin’, not fer ‘idin’ in corners and shiverin’.”

Grundle had been getting louder towards the end of this speech but he calmed down now and turned to me again. “Sorry abaht that but I’ve done a lotta thinkin’ on this and it can really get me goin’. Now, where was I? Ah yes, we’re gettin’ close to the end. Wot if the darn thing won’t go away, you asks. That’s when yer ‘ave to turn arahnd and look it squarely in the eye. Stare it dahn and let it know yer ain’t gonna let it beat yer. Keep doin’ whatever it is yer normally do, don’t change yer routine, yer can even make a rude noise at it if yer wish. But make it clear it ain’t gonna get yer dahn. After all, that’s ‘ow yer treat the flu, ain’t it? Okay, this may not be the flu and yer might get pretty sick for a while. And, if yer don’t recover, yer might even die. But yer were always gonna die sooner or later. Brave it aht and I’ll tell yer oo’ll die in the end. The virus will and that’s for certain. I’m tellin’ yer, pal, a crisis is only as big as yer make it. And, by the look of it, yer oomans need to get some perspic-, posperci-, er, yer need to get a decent ‘andle on it.”

At that point, Grundle went quiet and sat there, humming with closed eyes, clearly satisfied that he had solved the problems of the world for me. On my part, he had given me a lot to think about but I could see already that he had a point. Name it, ignore it and man (or troll) it out, that was basically his philosophy and I don’t mind admitting I find it an attractive way of looking at the world. Even though my age and health puts me bang in the middle of the group most in danger from the virus. All in all, I think I’ll go Grundle’s way.

Word Count: 799 words
For Write An Essay About… May 2020
Prompt: Write an essay about dealing with a crisis.

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