The whys of the whys:... hows of the who:... which way:... intuitive magnificence
|It's a My mom and granny once lived in Alaska. My Papa's Air Force job took them there. Thank goodness for that because my Granny loved it there. I remember my mom sayin' it about 5 times over the years, "Mom loved Alaska!". So after my dad had earned the vacation time from work, away we went, from North Carolina: 10 weeks on the road, when I was 10, back in the summer of 93. An experience that changed my life, but I wouldn't realize just how much for 25 years; and I dang near broke out in tears writing this last sentence. ... I've reflected on it many a minute every week ever since; and that intensely strong desire to see it again: the same for Yellowstone, oh yes we went there too! and I did get back to the hot springs!!; and that adventure opened somethin' inside me that is a big part of the heart of this story. |
Now to my leaving NC. I left here 5 years ago and a difficult situation brought me back. In my last year here I started !really! getting (back) into meditation; and things just weren't working out or feeling right, which led me to leavin' when I did, in September of 2015;... so I think there was some intuition in the decision. And it just didn't make any sense to stay longer. I was finishing a welding trade curriculum, and had a working opportunity to head NW; which I'd been wanting to do for quite some time, and be much closer to the places I wanted to visit:... again... and again. And it was for the the purpose of better paying welders work.
So I first went to Wisconsin and picked up a friend and her little girl and did a roadtrip. The last place we stayed was Pulpit Rock Campground in Decorah Iowa; and after I took my company back to Wisconsin I felt a pull back to Decorah... so I did.
I stayed in the area another month and a half. Camped the last 4 weeks on quiet public game land. I had job offer through Man Power employment service, which I turned down because I had a feelin' to wait just a little longer; then a couple weeks later I was working for Winnebago: stayed there 10 months then moved to Mason City and got into Curries Door Manufacturing, and lived at work for 18 months; but earned the money to see the greater Yellowstone again. I was gonna use my first vacation week to visit Wind Cave (again), but realized the greater opportunity for a much bigger adventure. ... I was tired of livin' at work 58 hours a week... wanted my life back!!... I was always way too exhausted to do anything.
I left the first week of May 2018. When I got based camped at Yellowstone, I did a day trip to the Tetons. When I was pretty high up the Grand Teton, gazing down at the lakes glistening in the sun below, I started comin' to an understanding of what part of my life purpose was potentially meant to be. Then comin' down through the Dakota's was when this gift started speakin' to me: every instinct was telling me to start writing... very seriously: and I started a poem in the Badlands. Bits and pieces had been comin' to me the whole way. Also during the last week
of this adventure I had a bit of an impulse to make a mad dash southwesterly for a little storm chasin', and maybe even see the Rockies. But I was tired.
So when I got home a week later I took off with the writing, and a few months later several a poems day were coming out of me. And this is when I started having foresight. I was on a meditative walk when the first projection came through: something to do with Minnesota. Then 2 times a glimpse of someone (2 different people) who I saw the same evening at a local brewery. I think those were so I would understand and trust it. Then over the next few weeks I saw what I believe to be Denali, Valley of the Gods, and Everest. ... My instinctive understanding was - and still is - these are places I'll be seeing, probably a lot, if I kept on this new path. ... This was the start of my Spiritual Awakening.
About midway through December, I was frantically trying to some writings published, run'n out money, and I did 'not' want to go back to Curries; even though I was already get'n an intuitive feeling to go back, but I first tried some other places through an employment service; one of which had an energy that said to 'go away' the moment I parked. ... Strange there was a quote on the office wall about 'being happy'.
A couple weeks later, early January, I followed the feeling for Curries; and had to get in the employment service office quick one morning, piddlin' a bit too much with the feeling I was gonna beat someone else to the spot by a matter of minutes: and sure enough when was finishin' the paperwork another lady was talking someone on the phone and it was down to whoever could get their boots first.
During this 2nd go round at Curries, I met another empath, a young girl: and a very weird feel'n when 2 empaths are close or touching; and when I first caught her eye it said "hey... yah I know you!". Then a couple months later another younger lady started there as a PPE safety engineer. A couple weeks before I left the company I had a short conversation with her about the new gloves, and noted she had a wonderful kind of calming energy and a most warm smile and eyes; and being the very curious person I am, I later looked her up on Facebook and saw she was from Decorah... the town I felt the pull back to 2 1/2 years earlier. ... In the weeks preceding the arrival of these 2 younger ladies there was also a weird thing with the time: it was almost always a mirror number when I saw the clock.
Now backin' up just a bit. There's no way to tell all these events and connections without a little back and forth. A couple weeks after start'n at the company again, I started feeling really confused. I've been studyin' buddhism for years but I knew this was somethin' different: although equally as deep. Then a short time later I came across a wonderful website which explained what was happening... my Dark Night of the Soul had started: a very intense spiritual shift:... a virtually complete reset of the soul:... the deprogramming of practically all social teachings since birth. ... U2's 'Joshua Tree' album was an anchor for me over the next few months. And I of course wrote a big poetic story about the whole thing and the feeling's.
Around the end of May I started seeing the Rocky Mountains in my morning meditation; then a couple weeks later glimpse of what looked like our solar system to my left. I was getting a powerful feeling to go to Colorado, and considered making a mad dash over July 4th break, but I didn't get enough days off: the holiday passed, and the feeling was still there. Then at the end of June, I was at my computer and I suddenly got the strongest instinctive gut kick to immediate action I've ever felt to date: that I needed to start baggin' and scrappin'... and what I'm pretty certain was exactly 2 minutes later, I yanked my head straight forward with realization of "right freak'n now!!!!!"... I crossed the room and started goin' through a box of "stuff".
A few weeks later I started checkin' out RV Park campgrounds around the area because I thought I was gonna have a travel trailer to start this new phase (foresight again), and then I saw TP's in my foresight and after the right key words on Google I found Elk Meadow Lodge and RV Resort which is about half a mile from the entrance to the park; and, also in my foresight there was what looked like detailed stick figures in a circle. ... Anyway so I tried to get hold of a travel trailer but understood soon enough it was not yet meant to be: another lesson in downsizing and minimizing. I got a little utility trailer instead. I had relearned a big! lesson about the FB market. ...
There was also somethin' about that area of Iowa,.. a bad energy:... it did not want to let me go!... It seemed I got pulled back a 1/4 for every full step toward getting out: and I was about 5 minutes from collapsing when I turned in my house keys to the stinky property managers at midday departure, 8/6/2019. Then when I got out of town I started (I think) cryin' first, then it turned into a mix of Jack Nicholson's and Heath Ledger's maniacal Joker laughing, then maniacally screamin': it was all kinda mixed up;... I was too exhausted to fully release any of it.
That night I stayed at a huge pond, free campin' area, very quiet, and within minutes after getting out and sitting on a picnic table some deer came out to feed on the opposite shore. I took that as a good sign of divine timing. ... A week later I was at the foothills before the Rockies. I stopped at a cannabis store (and learned quickly Sativa's don't agree with me), then headed to the park. I managed to venture around for 3 days never havin' to get a "designated campsite" hahahahaha.
And this is worth a mention. There was a Lady Ranger of a rather quiet nature I encountered twice the first day in there. I had stopped to check the straps on my utility trailer with the wind getting stronger. She stopped to check if I was OK. I asked her a couple questions, then she inquired if I had a campsite and I said "I've drifted through a couple places but everything looks filled", she just a nodded a little. I was vague. - The recollection is a little fuzzy. - I thanked her and went on. ... Late that evenin' further up the mountains I was watching a show of an anvil storm: I was I way off the main road at a picnicking area and I see a ranger truck coming; it pulls around and I see it's her again. I said "well hello again", she smiles and asks "watch'ya doing?", I said "ohh watch'n this storm so I know which way it's goin' so I can stay out of the way!", she's watching it too and says "it's beautiful", I said "they are!... from a distance"... we kept watchin' in silence for a few moments: I don't remember what else was said next (if anything), but we said our goodnights.
After Rocky Mountain Park I came back out again on the East side and stayed a night to the North in the boat trailer parking area of a lake. Then felt a pull to the South and checked the GPS. Seein' Golden Gate State Park down there I headed that way. Got well up into the foothills again, late afternoon, tired and ready to stop, and thinkin' it was national forest land I stopped at the next pull out. Got out and leanin' against my SUV lookin' at the quiet scene, a few seconds later the energy of the land spoke "friend... friend". A few minutes later a middle aged gentleman in a heavy duty truck toting a trailer came up; turned out I was on his land. We exchanged a few words and he let me stay the night. I assured him I wouldn't leave any trash.
A week later I did finally find a good dispersed camping area. The next day a couple moose came passin' through. A couple hours later when I was sit'n n' relaxin' and had a sudden urge to go fishin', so I grabbed my pole and headed up the creek. A few minutes later at one spot I was just lookin' around and I saw a small tree a bit ahead about 40 feet out from the creek to my right, and the breeze caught it just right like the leaves were wave'n to me, beckoning me to go just just a bit farther:... so I went around a thick clump of shrubs then back to the creek bank and a few more feet then froze dead in my tracks still as a trunk. There was the beautiful bull moose 50 feet ahead, as still as I was. A few seconds later I gently shifted to my right, half behind a large pine. After many long seconds of watch'n each other it took off up creek. About another minute later I stumbled upon'im again with his girlfriend and kid, startled the heck out of me! They ran across the creek goin' the other way into some thicker trees. And then one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced... I could feel the energy of their hooves hitting the ground!!!
Anyway the 3rd day there (was intending to stay another night) some national park patrollers come along, and while this has nothing to do with energies it's a hilarious worthy mention. The one lady says to me while doing a funny shake with her body and head about the nuisance headache of it, "just don't be here in the morning, cause then I'll have to write you a ticket for sleeping in your vehicle, and that means I've gotta do paperwork, and I really don't like doing paperwork!". ... I left late that evening.
That night I pulled into a very roomy area of Medicine-bow Route Ntn Forrest I'd found on the GPS. I parked and got out and was grabbing some things from the front seat when the breath taking starlit sky yanked eyes and head up like a magnet! for about 7 seconds straight, then "wwooww!!... ... hoollly s***!!"... First thing next mornin' I'm standin' at my Pathfinder taking in the beautiful landscape and see a moose on other side of a pond half a mile away, so I grabbed my little handy cam and trotted down the hill a bit. Later that mornin' I realized how immense the energy was there. I stayed there a couple nights. And I'll say this, bathing in mountain rivers and streams feels so freaking good!!
So then I felt it was time to start headin' Easterly ish to the Rockies again. Stopped at a spot I liked the feel of with a small lake. The guy next to me gave me a couple soups before he left a couple days later; then I moved into his spot. A lot of yippeting coyotes there. And one day while spending hours just gaze'n at the distant mountains I noticed a cloud overhead shaped like an Angel wing. Whether it was a sign or not of right place right time, it was certainly a beautiful sight!...
I left after 6 days I think, late evening, ventured into another national forest area fairly nearly Rocky Mountain Ntl Park; where I
had a couple mishaps before finally getting through the Rocky Park again to Estes Park.
I couldn't stay at Elk Meadow because of their insurance policy on sleeping in the vehicle, (and it would have wiped me out financially anyway) so I spent a couple nights at another campground (with warm showers), but after that it was all national forest spots until early November. So then I found a spot on a mountain side a couple miles south of Estes; stayed there a week and a half. This is when I got a strong intuitive feeling to start doing open mic, and found one a few days later with a weekly Tuesday show in Fort Collins. I was also getting (Spirit guided) vibes for where to go to so the emotion of the word's of my current work could best flow.
My next spot was convenient with a pit toilet about a minute down the road. I parked and got out and within seconds the energy of the land said "welcome". This was on the pass to Lyon; stayed there another week and a half. One day down there I suddenly got a strong feeling it was a good time to wash in the creek. Then maybe an hour later I was just about to do some stretching when I saw a bear, and (very loud thoughts) "bear... OH! A BEAR!!" passing through right where I had bathed in the creek! Fair size too! I quickly grabbed my handycam and ran, very carefully, after it. Got some good shots of it. Cleaned a bunch of trash from that spot too. Sadly some of those spots are full of junk.
Then I moved to the pass to Loveland to shorten the distance to open mic; where I bounced around for about a week, then settled at a big spot on the East end for a few days. Then one evening I started getting a huge craving for coffee, and in my foresight started seein' a long drive through the curvy mountain roads,.. but in fast forward. Then just a bit later my gut kicked in strong and I knew I had to go back to the spot in Medicine-bow Route Ntl Forest: left a few minutes later.
I will mention at this point my Moon is in Sagittarius, and I've got Sag in 4 other places in my chart. So, this time I was out there about a week; and this was when my first novel started coming out of me: fantasy: heavy astrology influence. I got a feelin' of 5 books altogether. And I saw more moose. Then Tuesday rolled around and I headed back for open mic. Left my utility trailer there.
It was during this time - again in the pass between Estes and Loveland - I spent many hours in heavy tears:... letting go of one of the last bits of social programming expectations:... what a love life/romantic relationship/partnership coulda woulda shoulda supposed to be: I let go of all and any mights, possibilities, and chances of ever having a long lasting loving partnership: there was a deep chill running through me for at least a week. ... But after it passed, my conscience started becoming exponentially clearer. ... I will also say now, I have always been an "odd ball", "odd person out", socially awkward, extreme introvert, autistic: and now schizophrenic and Dissociative Identity.
So then I sold one of my banjos (I sold a few other things too), which was the money I needed to get back to Medicine-bow. Got there around 10PM. And while get'n ready to crawl in for the night, for several minutes I was wondering why everything looked all bright when it was practically pitch black. Then suddenly realized "oh! my 3rd eye is opening!!". Well, that's what I thought at the time: I'm now pretty certain it was my Solar Plexus because of the yellow color and shape; and I wasn't knowledgeable of the Chakra colors at the time. For 10 ten full minutes it felt like a hot fire poker stick was pressing from the inside out against my forehead!... In truth I think it very likely all my Chakras were goin' a bit haywire. And the next day started seein' - in the same way as foresight - what I'm certain was a baby in the womb. It might have been foresight: and I think it might have been my first life:... my soul is somewhere between Old and Ancient.
So another week later I went back to the spot near Loveland and started looking for a paying job: it was that time. And somewhere in all this I had feeling I would be getting a mystery check: and sure enough, got a text from a guy my sister and I knew many years ago, who had bought my mom's house when she retired, which is where it was mailed. Strange luck.
There was also an evening here I had climbed the steep embankment and just before it leveled off a little I noticed some thin fake coins on a string. I picked them up and remembered a reoccurring dream I'd had for years about finding little coins on a hill... and I knew I was where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there.
It was also during this time I discovered I could feel others physically: not just their emotional output (empath); if they'd had a long hard week, or plenty of physical energy. And I later developed a fascinating spiritual ability, but that's a whole other story.
So, my last bit of time there in the mountains, I had moved down to a spot that turned out (didn't realize) was just outside the Ntl Forest (Arapahoe Roosevelt) borderline, because a snow was coming through. A about a week later, I had no instinctive warning, so I believe it was meant to be; I had been reported as a suspicious vehicle (I think by a dick snow plow driver). An officer came knockin' around 11:30 PM, didn't wait for me to get a shirt on or open the door myself; but had the decency to only give me a warning ticket. But I got kicked out: had to leave at first light.
I felt a strong pull towards Fort Collins, and felt the much warmer change in energy; and after checking out several libraries, I found Old Town with a much more welcomeing feeling. It was there I encountered a girl, when in close proximity, it felt like every particle of my body - and possibly spirit - was being pulled towards her!... I have guesses only.
So then I got an address and mail file established at Murphy Center for Hope, as instructed by an employment service; and later signed on with several work services but it was a slow winter. I had also rented a storage unit for the utility trailer (which got confiscated). I then spent the next couple months stayin' at a rest area and the local nature area's (to the aggravation of one City Ranger in particular). These were the months when my Dsassociative Identity Disorder (formerly MPD) came about and, I think, the early stages of the schizophrenia. (Check out 'a grim spec' for more details).
In the first month of venturing these natural areas I set about pickin' up trash, nearly every mornin', while sip'n my coffee, for about an hour!:... I had made it part of my life purpose to clean up these places, and that's when it happened. A couple days into this, I had just bent over and picked up a scrap, and a burst of energy came from my chest area: subtle, but immensely powerful; intentive energy: buddhism, "thoughts to belief to action! It stopped me in my tracks with my sudden understanding of it, and I said "woah!... holy s***!". I believe the energy influenced others to be more mindful about trash and recycling.
So these next couple months is when a bunch of weird stuff with my DID and schiz happened, and... my spirit guide's had to do some necessary things to keep me on track (oh yes they can, and did interact:... just be mindful how you ask them to make their presence known!). And it was also in the midst of all this, late one night, I had an intuitive feeling as deep as it may get: I experienced the physical sensations of giving birth. I'm assuming it was directly connected with me.
During this time I feel I should mention I did stay a fair few nights at various motels. I knew which one's to go to by foresight. Otherwise I kept myself fairly clean with sponge baths and hand sanitizer.
So, eventually my Pathfinder was towed and I got tired of getting nowhere on the streets; I knew it was time to try for employment again through Murphy Center for Hope; and that's when I got into the Aztlan shelter, when Covid first hit.
It was there that I met who I believe is my Twin Flame. She was working with Catholic Charities. Over the following months, and brief conversations, I developd a very very deep care and love for her. ... I could see fire behind her eyes. ... And she could always sense how I was feeling... my state of mind. She told me about her understandings of energies. And she knows it herself there is something very deep between us. ... And there was another girl who worked there (through a mental health clinic), who I also developed a very deep compassion for: although a different kind of compassion. She's very deep into spirituality. She asked me the promise of writing to her. I text them both now and again so they don't worry.
It was these two ladies, a behavior therapist (with the same health clinic), and another gentleman, who advised me to go to the Mental Health Crisis Unit of Summit Stone; my schizophrenia had gotten a lot worse largely because my social anxiety had boiled over: I had started self inflicted injuries. Then it was after Summit Stone I realized why their logo looked so familiar: it was the detailed stick figures in a circle I'd seen in my foresight last year.
So my Twin Flame, - who was my guardian angel during my time at the shelter: - she was gonna take me into her home to keep me off the streets with the shelter closing soon for nights. She got a text from my dad that my stimulus check was at his place. So we got things arranged for a Greyhound and now I'm back in NC stayin' with my dad until I can figure out my way back to Colorado.
And just a recently, 9/7/2020, I had a most amazing meditation experience: a flaming person came in front of me and then many strong bursts of energy from my core over the next few minutes.
My advice to anyone who gets a deep feeling to go on some wild adventure like that... do it forgetting, !letting go!, of everything... EVERY!!!... THING!!!... you think you know.
"I wonder... I wonder:... and upon that thought of wonderful possibilities... my mind does wander!"
This was a very tiring story, but I had to get this out of me and I've been sleeping better. That's all for this one.
8/28/2020 - 9/9/2020
Big edit 9/14/2020
Namaste ~* Lily 'Pad' Wilder