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 |  probably stuff i think is funny. or aggravating. or both. |
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| i've been talking with my good friend about family lately. she and i have known each other the longest of any of my friends, about 25 years (!). we met as freshmen in highschool, before band practice. immediately, we hit it off. we've taken the opposite tack to dealing with our family troubles--she's held on, doing everything she could to make them happy, forge stronger relationships, keep the connections going. i've quietly slipped away, passively avoided getting involved, content just to know what's been going on from a distance. uninterested in digging up & confronting all the shit. sadly, we've both ended up in a similar circumstance with our families. we don't talk much, and those conversations are strained with polite avoidance of anything remotely emotional. well, except her conversations usually end with face biting and whiskey. but really, you should meet her family. (no, don't.) this morning i talked to my father on the phone. he lives about five states away, and we talk maybe once every six months, unless something is going on. i haven't seen him for...five or six years? i'm not sure... i found out this morning he's having surgery in a few weeks. they have to open his chest to repair an aneurysm near his heart. other than that, today was the best conversation we've had in a long time. i still don't know if i can see him, though. maybe not for the reason you think.i don't know if i can stand seeing him old, sick, and feeble. time marches on, merciless. but right now, i'm a little girl, and i can't see him like that. i can't. |
| it's late, and my eyes are scratchy. brain all mungo. but i wanted to say 'Thank you' to my P, for his unwavering faith in me, in my ability. you see, he bought for me my own laptop computer tonight. he also patiently fiddled with it for over 3 hours, getting it and our network set up. he did all of this with a smile, and i know he did it because he believes i could be a Writer, if i apply myself. (note the capital 'W' there.) i don't take this as an obligation, or a burden...i take this as proof of his big generous heart, and what kind of person i am in his eyes. and my cup truly does runneth over. where's the mixed, you ask? i suppose, right now, the mix is the swirling currents of joy, pride, humility, and love i got going on. i want to be worthy of this faith he has. i admit, part of me doesn't understand it, but that's the same part that doesn't allow me to have much of my own for myself. so, i'm pooh-poohing it. if i make any grand statement about my intention, or try to forge a contract with myself, i'll sabotage it...that's what i do. so i'll instead take these feelings and hold onto them. try my best. and hope for the courage to attempt to make my dream come true. the one that hasn't already, that is. i'm a lucky, lucky girl, and i know it.  |
| i love rain. heh. funny, i've been sitting here for the past ten minutes, just listening to it after having typed that. what is it about water, the rhythm of water, that soothes us? and other elements--a light breeze, a dancing fire, the warm earth on a summer day. maybe we know on a primal level the power of nature, that we belong to the natural world, and not the artificial one we've created for ourselves. floods, storms at sea, wildfires, hurricanes, earthquakes...we know we're at the mercy of Mother Nature. maybe we feel, when she's gentle, caressing us, cradling us, she's forgiven us for turning our backs on her. no puppy. we visited the shelter yesterday, and there were many great dogs, such sad (or even more heartbreaking--happy) faces, all hoping. each one of those dogs is my hero, for not giving up. every time some new person approaches their kennel, they open up, come for pets, smile their doggie smile. *sigh* every time we go, P & I want to buy a ranch and turn it into doggietown. kibble everywhere. dogs capering about in the wide open....all fixed, of course.  i guess the only way today could be any better is if it started to rain puppies. (i'd put out pillows for them.) have a great day, y'all.  |
| "Oral Stage (Trust Versus Mistrust - Erikson) Developmentally love, acceptance and being responded to with warmth and care leads to trust, security and acceptance of self and others. Rejected children learn to mistrust the world and see it as a threatening place. The effect of this rejection is a tendency to be fearful, insecure, nontrusting, attention-seeking, pessimistic and to have lower self-esteem according to psychoanalytic theory. " is this why i'm always chewing my fingernails? doesn't seem like a reciprocal response to the cruelties of the universe...  soooo, how is everyone? today, we go to the humane society again, always looking for our next sweetbaby. and then on to a computer store...looking into a laptop to supplement our desktop. yep. it'll be for my stories. and i know it's a good day, because i'm hanging with my honey, i'm full of beef lo mein leftovers, and it isn't even 1pm yet. woohoo!!! here's hoping you all have beef lo mein and a honey of your own, today. |
| michael told me today that some of the actors in '300' were CG-assisted, physique-wise. i know this is just tweaking, but it reminded me of the idea of CG actors negating the need for 'live' actors. someday, we'll watch animated movies so realistic we won't be able to tell the difference. i wonder if we'll notice. i suppose actors nowadays are puppets, of a sort. they individualize their performances, like animators create expressions and reactions in their characters. but i gotta think something will be missing. i'd hope so. something other than the celebrity craze we've got going now. i wonder what mad cow disease feels like. 'V for vendetta', man. V kicks some serious ass. even more exciting than his super karate moves & knife skills is the point that his ideaology of freedom is stronger than anything the fascists throw at him. even dead, he kicks total ass. and with a stirring theme song, too. hope i didn't ruin anything, there. i can watch this movie over & over, marvelling at the ideas, the conviction of its characters...but i don't feel overly motivated to stage an uprising. well, except for that scene with the 1812 overture. i admire this movie so much, but i don't know why others affect me more. wait, lemme watch the end, again. hang on... "he was all of us." WAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!! okay, i'm affected. way affected. *sniff* |
| Lester Burnham: [narrating] "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday." i watched the last half of 'american beauty' last night, a movie i've seen maybe ten times. one of my favorites. people may think it's overrated, and P doesn't love it like i do. to me, this movie has such perfect moments. the last moments of lester burnham is one of them. i hear kevin spacey, with lester's heartfelt musings on his life flashing before his eyes, and i feel that sheer happiness, that gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. he's right, so much beauty in this world. every time i watch that movie, i'm a blubbery mess. today was a day of extremes. friends of mine having a rough time, for different reasons. but both seriously unhappy. for one of them, i had a part in her unhappiness...or at least, pointing out her unhappiness. i don't think she hates me, but i don't think she likes me much right now. the other is having family troubles. (the trouble is, her family sucks ass. i don't think the dsm-IV would disagree with me.) but she's on the tail end of a fairly horrific few years, and the light at the end of the tunnel is almost within reach. she's be all right in a couple of months. woof. i think that's about all for today. i look forward to things looking up. soon, hopefully. |
| "Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures." ~Jessamyn West i like this. i love the idea of bringing out of myself nuggets of emotional & universal truth in my writing, lending a realism to the fictional events. trying to make these imaginary characters & stories feel 'real'. make that connection. i suppose this would be all of our goals, those of us who fancy ourselves writers. seems we lose sight (or never even glimpse) much of the emotional bravery going on around us, because we're all caught up in our particular perspective, or it just never displays itself. with the writing, we can illuminate the heroics people are capable of reaching, bring those right up front & center, so no one can mistake the power of one person's experience. i think for me, that's a big part of why i wanna write stories. of course, i haven't gotten anywhere close to achieving that yet. i may never get there. but bringing out that feeling in others--the one i get when i see an exceptional movie, or read an extraordinary book--that's what i want. i can't say i especially enjoy actually writing...sometimes i do, i get on a roll. get in that zone. but most of the time, i'm too conscious of what's working or not. how far off the mark i am. but i still get swept away by the magic of writing. that we can communicate our beliefs, ideas, fears, triumphs, wishes...all through words. a direct line into someone else's mind. blows me away. and no, lisa, i haven't been smoking anything. |
| i really hate being officious. i hate telling people what to do. if they freaking KNOW what to do, why don't they freaking DO it? i'm tired tired tired of working with mere babes. chitlins, i call them. i actually pointed at someone tonight, as i spoke to them. i saw myself doing it, heard that tone--you know, that tone--reminding them that yes, we do pay them as part of a reciprocal agreement requiring their equally reciprocal contribution toward a more efficient, profitable place of business. i didn't say it quite like that. there's context, and really, the moment's lost now. but, the gist was there. *sigh* i'm turning into a shrew. i'm sure shakespeare would find this deliciously amusing, but fuck him. he's dead. ooookay, bitter now. i think a nice splash of raspberry-lemonade crystal light would do the trick...brighten me right up. hey, remember that scene in 'so i married an axe murderer', wherein the scots father talked about the colonel, and how he added a chemical to the chicken to make people crave it fortnightly? yeah, all that. but substitute crystal light for the chicken. can't get enooouuuuuugh!! goodnight, y'all. hey, look! it's august!! watch out leos, your moon's in venus and boy is she pissed! |
| so, i did it again! shave my head & call me britney. i stayed up late, and wrote another complete story! you must understand how monumental this is for me. i've historically had trouble writing anything but story introductions, maybe with a few paragraphs added here & there. but lately, even with the tortured nail biting and brain wringing beforehand, i've been able to pull stories straight outta my ass. (don't worry, i clean them off before posting.) i'm like a professional baseball player--i keep wearing the same clothes, sitting in the same position, eating the same foods, becuse i don't wanna jinx the streak. i'm thinking P's gonna drag me out into the yard and hose me off, before much longer. i don't know the hows or the whys, but i hope this phenomenon contnu--uh oh. what if it's a brain tumor, like john travolta had!? or, what if i end up in a bubble, like john travolta did?! or in drag?? a royale with cheese??? (that one sounds pretty okay, actually.  )ohh, maybe i should slow down....rethink this. |
| the past few days, i've been thinking. ("uh oh," says y'all. ) this nugget of an idea keeps rattling around in my head, the idea that our perceptions define our relationships. relationships can change in a moment, following our understanding of what's happening. think of those moments, good & bad, both. the factors may have existed for days, or months, but they only became real, only affected the relationship for you when you knew of them. when the other speaks the words that shift reality for you. this is obvious stuff. but you know how you can la la la along, defining something for yourself in a certain way, and then WHAPAW! you have a moment of crystal clarity, a comprehension of a detail you'd never considered much, before. relationships don't exist. not outside of ourselves, anyway. you can't put it on a shelf, polish it. feed it to the dog. each person holds his relationship inside himself, and the amazing part is how we manage to convey the essentials of this relationship to the other person, so we feel (or think we do) the link. some people believe we're all connected, that each of us is an extension of a larger consciousness, a different aspect of the same entity. which is intriguing. mostly, though, i'm excited by the idea we're separate creatures, operating in our own self-interest, but continually drawn to making connections with each other. it feels deeper than a survial-based social conditioning reflex. it's the closest i've come to acknowledging we might have souls after all. groovy. on another note, big congratulations and thanks to Brain Nuggets  of the tom fish detective series. he's getting published in august! woohoo!!the thanks are for his generous passing on of a supercool website: http://www.duotrope.com looks extremely useful, for authors seeking publication of their stuff. thanks, Brain Nuggets !! |
| and then i'm hopping off the sully wagon for a sec: he's started a blog, too! for your daily dose of silly with a splash of sardonic, check him out! see link to the left, there. oh, okay. here it is: "Invalid Item"  |
| hey, all. today, for the first time in about five years, i went to a yoga class. monday, i went to what's called a 'body jam' class, which COMPLETELY kicked my butt, up down & all around. i have also discovered that for a white girl, i've got absolutely no rhythm. OH, when will the disillusionment end??!! but it was fun. i just ain't be no hip-hoppin' anytime soon. this morning's class was great--helped stretch out a lot of that lactic acid soreness in my thighs. and i opened my pelvis, too.  sounds terrifyingly anatomical, doesn't it? but boy, did i need it. i also had a fabulous talk with my friend sully last night. we met on wdc about a year ago, right after i signed up. he's a great writer, funny as freakin' hell. if you're in the mood for a belly laugh, check out his Frito the Squirrel series. here, i'll even give you a link.
also, because of a well-timed heads up from sully, i've been accepted into what looks like an intensive 9-week writer's workshop, which is just the ass-whuppin' i need. so, sully's my guardian angel right now. thanks, nice dude! all right, i must now go blead & blomment--hope everyone's having a thuper day! |
| so, i'm working on this story, a potential entry in a comedy contest. it's a whole disillusioned naked clown love story thing. and i was making real progress last night, and then, for some reason, i CLOSED the window without saving!!! i had the same exact feeling i had when i accidentally opened my umbrella inside the car, smashing the windshield. yeah, another great moment. i just wanna scream!!! but, what's the point? and i was writing late last night, and have retained none of it. and it was pretty good, too. maybe if i can remember it as crap, i won't feel so disappointed. arrrgh. there was a whole carjacking scene, with mapfolding, and shrugging....damn! damn! damn! *sigh* this never would've happened if i was using a typewriter. i hate computers. and electricity. well, hope you guys are having a good day, dammit. |
| whew. survived hairy pooter weekend!! i know many many people LOVE this series, and i have a lot of affection for it myself. but release weekends are, in my mind, hairy pooter weekends. and not because of the HP fans. but because of the other people who try to shop those weekends. the people who have no idea what's going on, and who have no understanding for the frenzy into which they're about to plunge. we can't help it, people! we can't help the long lines, the messy store, the lack of TP in the restrooms, the shortage of available help! please, have mercy. don't get me wrong--most people are great. patient, polite, pleasant...the ideal customers. it's those few, the others.....they just make me wanna spit. that's right. i said it. well, as i said before, it's over. the last harry potter book is out!! on another topic, i'm all covered with paint schmutz. blecch. i've also been painting barefoot, so you wouldn't believe what the soles of my feet look like. if i had to come up with a description, i'd say, dirt road grunge meets jackson pollack on a binge. but we've almosr finished painting another room! whee!! twinkledee ♥'s you finished her fundraising event, "Invalid Item" ! i thought it was a fun twist on other auctions i've seen. here's hoping she keeps it going. ramona and i keep getting into these circular debates, about reality, identity, spirituality....i like considering the ideas she shoots at me, but i admit i don't identify with many of them. she's sure there's another level to reality i'm just not acknowledging, or aware of consciously. and she may be right. but i'm still not feeling it. i feel like all animals, all life developed enough to experience emotion, are pretty much the same. giving us brainy monkeys another level doesn't make sense, to me. but, what do i know? like everyone else, i'll know for sure when i die. or not. this stuff is fun to ponder, but i don't hold any hopes of reaching a better understanding of the universe. oh, now my brain's barkin'. off to wash my feet, y'all! |
| hey, y'all. in the interest of kickstarting the whole writing habit (again), i've joined up with a fledgeling writer's workshop. (see link to the left, under 'miscellaneous'). the workshop's so fledgeling, matter of fact, there's only two of us so far. if you're interested in the least (or know someone who may be), please take a moment to check it out. maybe you'd like to become part of it! if so, give ol' RoughitforGreen247 a shout. we're hoping for more of a transactional analysis gig, rather than the current gestalt. thanks! |
| the other night, we're rearranging our bedroom furniture (don't you love doing that?), and i saw a wee critter scramble away, along the floorboards. it was a bug critter, and it didn't register what it was. i'm still not sure. it could've been completely harmless. but since then, i've been feeling all twitchy. i keep feeling things crawling along my leg hairs, up under my armpits....burrowing, feeding....aaauuugghh!!! you know, i know we have kabillions of microscopic creatures living out their tiny lives on our bodies, feeding on our discarded skin flakes, flapping through our eyelashes, supping on our secretory fluids.....but that doesn't bother me. i'm a benevolent mothership, harboring entire civilizations through the millenia. 'come, children, live long, be yourselves, play nice. all is well.' but show me a bug i can see, just one, and i'm under attack!! god, i want a delousing. other than that, everything's fine. i made potato salad this morning, again. lovely. we've started up again on the painting & whatnot--only one half of the house to go! and the outside! oh, it'll get done, eventually. and we've started looking again, for daisy's bestest-friend-to-be. (no offense, calcutta, but you just don't play right.) so much going on, but not really. most of it is potential going on. i've been trying to post more photos, but iwasn't really happy with the quality of the uploaded pics, and i don't have a program to convert photos to jpgs or gifs or whatever. lots of editing programs out there, some even free, but i don't see any cheap programs which do the conversions & editing, both. i don't wanna go photoshop, either. too cumbersome. any suggestions, y'all? i gots the pictures, i just can't get them up on heah. oooh, and i'm going to see 'ratatouille' today! i'm gonna pick up P from work, and we'll gorge on popcorn & sodapop (only fitting, for a movie about haute cuisine made by a rodent), and have a wonderful time. it's a date! *gurgle* i love brad bird--he's given me so many great moments of entertainment, and several moments of heartful truth, as well. yes, he's an animator....but it ain't just kids stuff. check out 'the iron giant', if you haven't already. gets me every time. *sniff* (honk) anyhoo, y'all have a good day. tah! |
| okay, i'm saying it here, out loud & everything. august is gonna be a blue month for me. and not only because of the excessive potty mouth, neither. and...and....i'm gonna start writing again!! it's been too long, i'm all rusty. i read over one or two of my eternally ongoing stories, and my writing's choppy. not thought out thoroughly. it's good i have this distance, to look back & see what needs working on, but i'm concerned about getting bogged down in the fixing. losing my anticipated momentum. first & foremost (after the blasted blogging habit i expect to develop), i want to finish the stories i've started. dammit. (i just stamped my foot, so you know i'm serious.) okay, so...i've said it. the proof's in the pudding,as they say. all i need now is a spoon... (that makes no sense, but it sounds cool.) |
| man. i am just bushed. pooped. whupped. beat. kerfluffelled. you get the idea. whyy? i'm young! i was young, anyway. and vivacious! i was vivacious, too. wtf? well, i'll be young & vivacious again. just you wait & see. i've got this deal going, see. all i gotta do is sign on the dotted line... . today was fine. and last night--you guys'll be so impressed--i wrote a letter! *gasp* i haven't mailed it yet, so it probably doesn't count if nobody reads it. but still. ooooh. pen and paper. no one uses those anymore! i've decided once again to add more substance to my blog entries. i live too much in my head, and it behooves me (big words are a big part of the whole substance thing) to get out there. mix it up. talk to the people. yyyyeah. well, i won't do that, but i will read about them and report back. i was thinking about rousseau & the social contract thing. (P was telling me about him earlier. what, you think i know this stuff?) his deal, and correct me if i'm wrong, was with government and its obligation to serve the masses. me, i'm thinking our system is powered by capitalism. it should fall to the capitalists in power to fulfill this obligation. those in power should give back to the greater masses. seems fair. our government is controlled by money, anyway. so why not cut out the middle man? so, how do we motivate these people? these people, whose contributions other than the occasional bill gates foundation deal, center around gaining them more of the green stuff? hm. what's the real meaning behind money? power? freedom? control? that's a lot to get around. will have to think on this more. must devise a metaphor so alluring, so irresistable, that rich people everywhere will happily and instantly contribute to the greater good. 'contribute to the greater good', of course, means they will instantly and happily send me all their dough, and let me figure out how to benefit mankind with its use. why not? i kinda look like a hobbit. i can resist temptation. lookit me, not eating doughnuts right now. see? okay, beddy-bye's tapping me on the shoulder. like ducky says, i'm off like a dirty shirt. g'night, y'all. ps--check out icanhascheezburger.com! (see link to the left.) good silly fun. |
| heh. have i mentioned how much affection for eddie izzard i have in my heart? oodles, people. fricking oodles. he's a great man, with better fashion sense than i'll ever have. anyhoo. it's been four days since my last blogorrheaic episode. and july was going to be my 'responsible' month. *sigh* good thing i don't hold the lives of millions in my hands every day, eh? y'all would be in big trouble.but, tonight i had pie. chocolate-pecan pie, a la mode. makes everything all right. work sucks? have some pie. getting old? have some pie. pants don't fit anymore? have some p...hunh. i'm sensing a pattern here. but pie, like duct tape, fixes everything. this is my firm belief. in direct contrast to my jiggly behind. and see? a little duct tape would fix that right up. pie and duct tape. yep.i'm not talking about reality right now, because big chunks of it hurl dirty goat innards, and i'd rather not dredge all that up. not in my clean, controlled fantasy world, where fairies sparkle and clive owen serves me up some hot scrabble in his white peasant shirt, fawn leggings, and leather boots. riding crop under his arm. but then, that's a story for another time.  still, no reality barging in. nope. no reality poking its wart-riddled noggin around these here parts. my dog has chewtoy breath. uhhhh...i did laundry today? (long pause. sound of foot shuffling.) okaaay. time for bed, y'all. and i'm taking the elephant in the middle of the room to bed with me. darnit. g'night. "Anger is not only inevitable, but it is necessary. For in its place is indifference, the worst of all human qualities." --anonymous |
| oh, hey. how's it goin'? i've been back home from my fabulous vacation since sunday, but my brain just won't kick out of 'vacay' mode. i'm still there, strolling seaside, sniffing the barnacles, glorying in my special vacation garb. (i wear skirts only on vacation). i haven't gotten my photos yet, so i'll owe everyone those. we flew via jetblue, which was prompt & customer-friendly for 3/4 of the experience. lots of legroom, leather seats, free tv (36 channels) the whole way. man, that tv saved my mojambo, on the way out. we flew overnight, and i can't sleep on a plane for anything. it just ain't happenin'. but the tv kept me sufficiently hypnotized, the flight just....flew by. when we hit ny (jfk), the adrenaline rush and supplemental dunkin donuts java gave us the push to keep going. from there, we hopped, skipped and jumped to portland. the fresh air woke us right up again, and we skittered into town in our rental pt cruiser (odd car, really), and immediately found a cozy, charming hotel near downtown. lumpy bed, but otherwise, a perfect introduction to the region. (the inn at st john). the folks there were chatty & helpful with directions & suggestions for good food, and the location was pretty good, too. only a few minutes to the waterfront. we couldn't get over the architecture, the feeling of being somewhere that's been around a while in its current incarnation. old houses, with that victorian(?) detailing, different colors, OLD cobblestone streets on the waterfront area. after portland, we drove up the coast and turned in toward bangor, spent a couple of days there, all told. by the way, the public library in bangor ROCKS!!! spent a magical day in bar harbour, in the acadia national park, then drove back to portland for our last day in the area. we really loved portland, the vibe of the place. the high number of bookstores, the 'buy local' sentiment. visiting was amazing. i'm not sure i'd want to live there, though. expensive, by comparison. and the weather's probably more extreme than i'd like, half of the year. but i'd love to go back sometime to hang out. great chowdah. i have to say, tho. people in maine drive like they're being attacked by huns. inside the car. everything else about that area seeps peace, relaxation, fresh air, green trees, people walking dogs....but the driving. *shudder* and what's up with the street signs?? by that i mean, the missing street signs. we had plenty of maps, ayeh. but what good do they do, if the streets aren't freaking marked?? since we didn't really have anyplace to be, this wasn't a huge deal. but, c'mon. the flight back was...a lesson in character development. apparently, one of the flight attendants scheduled to crew our plane fell ill, and we waited 3 hours for replacement personnel (which somehow ballooned up to an entirely different crew than earlier scheduled  ). once we got going, eveything was fine. we got free movies, which was nice. and everyone at jetblue was pleasant (if vague), and apologized several times during the flight. i think we also have some kind of credit pending, too...i need to check on that. so, i endorse jetblue (mostly), for their fabulous planes & flight perks. and good prices. and i endorse 'life is good'. i hadn't noticed this brand before, but they seem like good guys, and i love their t-shirt philosophy. so, maybe check 'em out, if yer bored. http://www.lifeisgood.com awright, that's all i've got for tonight. *yawn* see you guys tomorrow... |
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