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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello Beautiful, It's a stormy kind of feeling. It's blue sky's and high winds. It's a trip to the nature center with my boy. It is give and take and adjusting. I want to be the parent he needs. I want to be the one that sets the tone for his recovery. I have been far too lean in my discipline over the years and it caught me off guard. I know I am the answer and part of the solution. I have always been. I know that my own sanity is at stake. I also felt like my safety has been an issue I couldn't ignore. So in my best interest I used a man to help me. I am so glad I did. I will never regret having help. If only I could count on that help all the time I would see faster improvements. Makes me wonder why I would pick a man that is unreliable? Why does the heart love the way it does? My best friend tells me I am a Love Addict. That part of my problem is my constant seeking of love and approval. My avoidance of being rejected makes me make poor choices in the love department. Funny even Steve told me last night that his love wasn't enough. How does he know? Because my true heart is restless. I am not content with what I have. It will never be enough and I see it and feel it. I wish I wasn't this way. I am not sure how to recover the missing pieces or to make me feel secure. I just know I am not there yet. Maybe someday! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am back. Not sure what shape I am really in yet. It was a long week of everything. Thank you Phil. That is all I need to say. I am blessed. I am loved. I have what I need. I might be on a long road or journey but heck who isn't? I am no different. I am just being me. Insecure at times. I have this exhausted feeling in my bones. I am not as healthy as I need to be to face my challenges. I am sure in a few more days my spirit and spunk will return. I will find my grace and move forward. I wonder where my thoughts will lead me? I have to have strength. I have to be strong to discipline. I have to have faith that I won't be hurt in the process. I know he is a good kid. His heart is beautiful. Dear God, please continue to walk with me. Give me hope that I am doing this the best I can. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I hired a body guard. I don't know how it's going to work this weekend but I am trying it. For the first time I feel that having a strong male presence isn't a bad idea. It will be interesting to see how this works out. I have very low expectations which means that if I am lucky we will just have a nice relaxing weekend with not much excitement. That is my goal... Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet and sunny friends, I just wanted to say that I love you. I love my friends and I need you. You are the reason I have a story to tell. You are the reason I find peace in my sleep. You are the reason I land on my feet when I am reaching for the stars. I have an amazing group or I should say "groups" of friends. I have my gal pals, my guy friends and most of all the wonderful friends I get to work with. I sent Dennis a text yesterday telling him that I missed him. How many times have you ever text-ed your boss to tell him he was great? I want my boss to know that he is. That I love working for him and that I am here when he needs me. For a part-time boss I don't see him very much and I miss that. I would love to work more but understand it's not possible. I am grateful that I have employment. It might only be part-part time but it's good. I need it. I need it like I need my friends. I need it because it makes me a better person. I love my life and I am happy. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Monday Monday... Not much more to say then that... Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am still laughing. I am still in some kind of shock. I am not the most adventurous soul but I try. I like to pretend I am a good sport and will go with the flow. I have a hard time determining if something is going to turn out poorly. I just figure things happen and I have to be open to them. So it never really crossed my mind that going fishing at midnight might not be a good idea. I said sure! I can be quiet and enjoy nature. I can bundle up and wear comfy clothes and take a trip out to the middle of the lake. Why not? It was a good size aluminum row boat. It was loaded down with fishing poles, worms, and even a hot coffee mug. I figured what could go wrong? HOW? WHAT? REALLY? I was in for a rude shock when he leaned over to fix his casting line on his pole and fell in the lake! OMG he was gone! He jumped out of that freezing water like a bolt of lightening and flopped into the boat like a fish. I was laughing so hard! I couldn't even breath and neither could he. He was so pissed. I have never seen a man row a boat faster. He got us back to the launch site and then he took off running to get out of his clothes. You know what... I am not sure what was funnier...him falling in or driving his truck home naked. I am going to remember this night for a long time! I don't know if he will ever invite me out fishing again. I don't know if I could ever do it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to hear my laugh for a long time. I can honestly say it was one of the funniest nights of my life. I don't care if it was at the expense of his ego. He wasn't hurt. He did lose his fishing pole but that can be replaced. Having a memory like that will last a lifetime. I am so lucky. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet and sunny pals, I live a pretty simple life. I like who I am and what I do. When I tried to move on from a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I thought I could do it. I thought I could walk away and start something different. Of course, different didn't happen and I got weak. It's kind of easy for me to be weak. Heck, I am a wedding coordinator. I get to put happy couples together. I get to assist the bride. It's all about LOVE. It's all about this little voice in my head that says...I love romance! I love the whole couple thing. I am not good single. I am not good on my own. I like me. I really do. I enjoy my company and can be alone. However, in all honesty. I was made to share. I just do better in the arms of a man. It helps if it is a man I like. It helps if it is a man that wants to be with me. It helps if I know this man is sharing some part of himself with me. I know it's a limited amount. I know it's not the whole package and yet, I want it. I take what little is offered because it seems to be enough when I am with him. If I am being honest and living in the here and now. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. Next week...might be another story. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I want my life to mean something. I want the friends that I have to know they are loved. I am lucky I can express myself. I just wish I could get more love into my son. How can I show him and make him feel my love when he is so closed off? He refuses to open up and let me in. I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the jokes and his teasing. He is shutting me out. He is pulling away. I know part of that is very natural and normal. I also know that another part of that is some kind of punishment. I get that he is angry with me. I just don't know what I have honestly done to deserve it. Sure I am not married to his dad. Sure I don't live in the same house but I am so close. I see him every single day. I didn't walk away. I didn't move out of town or with another man. I want a relationship that is build on trust and love. I am worried. I don't like this feeling and I have a pretty good idea that Jax isn't all that happy either. I need to think of something creative to bring our bond back. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I love the month of May! I always have and always will. It's going to be a long month of a lot of studying. I have to force myself to study a few hours every single day. I need to be ready for my exam. It will be nice to focus on something positive. I am going to use it as my excuse to escape the reality. I am going to take my books and sit outside. I am going to find peace in everything I have to learn. It's going to be another wonderful month's for me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am doing pretty darn good considering my day. I spent almost 8 hours in the psych ER at U of M today. I wasn't their because I wanted to be. I was there because Brian and I needed a second opinion. You can blame me all you want for my son's anger. You can tell me I suck and that still won't solve my problem. Why don't you tell me what I can do to improve? Why don't you make a suggestion that will actually improve my life? It gets kind of old after awhile. I am ready for a new way of thinking and doing. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have my boy back in the house. Granted it is only for the day but it's nice to spend some time with him. Now that he is not living here I really miss him. Brian and I decided that he needs to stay in one house. I am hoping that by summer time he will want to transfer back and forth but for now he is with his dad. As a parent, I have had to make some very unpopular decisions. I have gone against the grain of society. I have never followed traditions when it has come to parenting Jackson. I had to think outside the box and do what was best for him. It has not been easy. I didn't get the job in Detroit. I wanted it but knew that the timing was wrong for be to be out of town. I will find another way to pay my bills. I went through all of my retirement money. I should be freaking out but I am not. I am living on some kind of fake faith that everything will work out. I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to handle this challenge and come out stronger. I will find a way. I have what I need and I am loved. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am blessed. I am cursed. I am trying. I am doing my best. I am a work of art. I am constantly changing. I am loving. I am loved. I am mom. I am superwoman. I am funny. I am rich. I am poor. I am crazy. I am sane. I am exhausted. I am rearing to go. I am talented. I am in high demand. I am busy. I am lazy. I am certain. I am laughing at life and with life I live. My sense of self is defined now I need to work on my body. I am getting older and need to take more time to exercise. I want to stay healthy and strong for a very long time. I have so much more I want to do and accomplish. First I must count my blessing and say Thank you to God! Thanks! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Ever had to say goodbye to a lover or best friend? Ever have to move on when you weren't ready? It's not easy. I cried my heart out yesterday in his arms. He said he wasn't worth the tears and he is probably right, but I am. I am worth a love that hurts. I am worth the time and attention my heart needs to grow and expand. I am so proud of myself for loving. I wasn't really sure after the divorce that I could love again. That I would trust my heart to be vulnerable but I was. I know now it is time to work on myself. To take this pain and use it for good. I always grow when I least expect it. I have learned to start paying attention to my emotions and give them the respect they deserve. Maybe this isn't really goodbye but hello... Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I find that the little joys in my life really add up! It's not always the biggest and best that makes me smile. It's the small successes. It's the small hello's and smiles. It's the randomness of life. I am in another place of transition. I see my son really needing me and for a few more years I can give him my full attention. Then I will back off and let someone else take the reins. I have to know that what I am doing, does count. I am not sure I am ready for today but I am awake. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I am always in the right place at the right time. I guess that is going to be true for my career. I am at a cross roads and have a very hard decision to make. I know what is good for me in the long run...can I get it? What will happen if I say yes? If I say no...I continue on the same path that will not cover all my expenses. I need an intervention and I need it to happen soon. Dear God please bring me the answer I need. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Well it would be nice if I could see you... It would be nice if you could shine your light on me and bring me some warmth. I miss you. I love having a great imagination and an active dream life. In my dreams I can say things I never got the chance. I can do things like jump over bridges, go super fast in cars, decorate big houses, make amends to those I hurt and swear like a sailor at those I wish I had to nerve to tell off. I wake up exhausted at times. I wake up feeling bad but I look at those dreams as my chance to get it right. a mini do-over. I am lucky that I have what I have. An active mind is a terrible thing to waste! Back to life, Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Just how flexible are you? Do you bend with the wind or get broken by the storm? I went on a job interview and they talked about being flexible on the job. I got that. I like variety. I like a set schedule but enjoy having a lot of different things to do. Like last night with Paint and Pour. I worked at the senior center again and ended up painting a picture with a sweet lady named Lois. It was fun and made me feel good to make someone smile. She said she couldn't see but I think she could. I think it was her way of having help and one on one attention. I know that the small amount of time I spend at the nursing center reminds me how to age gracefully. How important being social and embracing other people into my every day life. I need that. I am going to go out now and go study. I could study at home but need to be outside. I need to see people and feel part of something bigger. I am flexible in many ways. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have sunshine in my heart today. Well, I always have some kind of light shining but today it is real. I feel so blessed by life events. I don't want to be anything but happy. I want the peace in my soul to bubble up and make me proud of who I really am. Once again I have deleted my dating profile. I just can't handle it. I am not made for on-line dating. I just can't do it. I really don't care now if I am alone. I don't care because I know I won't be. I will find him. He will find me. I am on a journey. I am not ready for the trip to end. I want to keep finding out who I am and what I need in a partner. It's not really fair because for so many years I was content and happy with what I had. I don't know exactly what changed but it did. I suppose as my soul grew so did my needs. I am not going to beat myself up for expanding my mind and heart. I am grateful for the life I have. I love it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am taking the day for me. I am going to gather my wits about me and do something! I am tired of feeling so broken. I am not. It's a new day and a new way to communicate. Yesterday's wedding was fun and it renewed my spirit. I am living. I am not dead. I have a feeling that I am living for the first time. I am seeing myself in my true light. I am a good person with a great heart and I will attract what I need and what is good for me. God loves me. He loves every inch of my body and soul. He see's my struggles and he gives me more. He trust me. He blessed me with a rich and loving heart. I feel so lucky. I am a mom. I have two amazing and wonderful kids. Thank you! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I get to work today. I love that I am a wedding coordinator for my church. It's the coolest job. I am not thrilled that I have to arrive 3 hours before to open up the church and let the florist in. I know it's going to be a very long day for me. Still, I will be surrounded by happy people. I love that. I am so thrilled to share in something that is meaningful and exciting. It's a nice contrast from my day to day work. I love my job as a therapist but it's not always rainbows and sunshine. I don't work with that type of client. Oh I do crack myself up. I am glad I can laugh. That is a good sign that I am healthy and getting repaired. I am not over him. I am hurt and will be for a long time but I can find joy and that helps. I am going to get out of this funk and have an awesome day! Love, Michelle |
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