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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am happy today! I am relaxed. I am confident. I am going to send my girl off on vacation. I am so happy for her! I am sitting here with my son and we both have the biggest smiles on our face. For no reason. I like that. I am seeing my emotional journey make sense. I am content with my choices and were I am at. It's been a long time coming. When I write out my bills, I always freak out. I look at the pattern of my spending and realize I am better without money. If I have any kind of extra I spend it. I am still not on the kind of budget I need to live off. I have one more year and I can get there. I have to start studying for my exam. I know June is going to be here before I am ready. Seems as if life is moving on and change is happening. One sweet moment at a time. I love it. Happy Day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am not always on top of my game. In fact, I am not good at instant replays and foul moods. Yesterday, the old Jackson showed up for a few minutes and it set me off on a rampage of anger. How fast we fall. I am not proud of my own behavior. I never will be when I can't keep it together. I know I am human and I make mistakes. I also know that I am trying to learn from them. I will keep trying. I won't give up on Jackson or myself. I have to push for what is right and loving. I am struggling with the truth and when Jackson tells me that everything is my fault. I believe him. I can't do that. That is total crap and I know it. I am not the fault of his behavior. He has to own that. I am only sensitive to his negativity but I can't let it own me. I keep learning that lesson. One day at a time and one moment after another. I will get back to wonderful. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I love a short trip to the store. Early morning shopping is the best! I like that I am nearing my first year anniversary of my apartment. I love it here and this has truly become my home. Now that I have been here I know what I want. I need to bring some life into the place. I am going to go out shopping later for some plants. I want a small tree and some herbs for my patio. I won't be able to get anything big but I am thinking something small would brighten up my place and my mood. It looks like winter still so I am I am trying to bring Spring to life inside. I need my own motivational light. I am proud of myself and I need to keep myself on track. It's all good and I like it! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, My boy is down with another cold. He is fast asleep on my couch. I can't figure this year out. It must be his year to be sick. It's the end of another marking period and he is missing school. He has missed more days this year then any other year I can remember. In fact, he has never had this many colds or issues that have kept him away from school. All I keep hearing is his principal's comment that kids learn even when they are sitting and doing nothing in a full classroom. He is missing out just by being absent. I know this. I just have to get him well enough to attend school. This is a short week but I do hope I can get him back to school tomorrow. Only three days this week and Spring break starts. I don't have anything planned and I really wish I did. Savanna is heading off to Florida with her girlfriend. My sister's are off on family vacations and that leaves Jackson and I alone. I asked him if I could take him someplace but his comment was that "I would just ruin it". Oh the joys of parenting! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I know when you don't want to go to church that something is wrong. When you want to cover your head back up under your blankets and ignore the world. You are giving up! I do this once and awhile. I ignore the world. I live inside my head. I don't venture outside and I don't spread my joy to the world. I sit alone and think. It's part of my recovery. It's part of my personal journey to healing. Sure, I could go outside and pretend that I want to be a part of my community. I could motivate myself but for what purpose? Who am I trying to impress? I have to impress myself. I need God! I have to run now because I am going to be late and I need to push the covers off of me and run! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I know I asked this before about playing games. I keep doing it and I am tired of being on the losing end. I have to put some serious thought into what the heck I am doing and what I am allowing. Why am I strong inside my brain but not inside my heart? I have to face reality and I am not good at it. I am scared out of my mind but hey I can do it again. I am stronger then I realize. I am the wizard of my own fantasy land. I can have what I want. I have to be brave enough to expect it and accept it. It's a good day for thinking clearly. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I just found out about a friends death. I guess in one way Facebook does have some value. In the fact that the past is never that far away. It's kind of a strange feeling when you hear about an old friend dying. You realize your own life is so short. It's not like I was close to Paul. Heck the last time I seen him I was in my 20s. It's just that I remember how much fun we did have in school. He was older than me but that didn't stop him from trying to ask me out. I can laugh about it now. I will always remember him with a smile. I am sad that he had to suffer from cancer and I pray that his family can find some peace. Life is so short. Live it wisely and with LOVE! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Figures I would get audited by the State of Michigan for taxes. I mean sure why not? I have no money. I didn't make any money and I am filling single for the first time in 24 years. They probably wonder where I have been all these years... Peacefully living my life. Unaware of so much. I lived with my head in the sand. I took so much for granted. I am going to be forever grateful to Brian for all the years he sheltered me from reality. For all the years he took the brunt of all our financial worries. I had no idea and I am glad. I don't think I would have believed him. I wasn't ready for the truth. I believe every person has to "grow" up on their own terms. You can't make a person get it. They have to find the value in a lesson all on their own. I am still learning and will for a long time. I don't know if I will ever get used to being single but I will get less stressed by it. I like what I am learning and even the State of Michigan can't scare me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have to keep reading words of wisdom. I have to keep my chin up and expect the best. I can't let a few bumps in the road keep me detoured from my life. I know that I am on the right path. I have to keep moving forward and to start believing in myself. I can live on less. I have too. I have to make more or spend less. It's so simple and yet hard for me to follow. I know why I love him because I can escape reality when I am with him. He is pure fantasy and I love living there. I like that reality hasn't bitten me in the ass yet. So far I have been able to keep my worlds from colliding. He is the Tin man and I am the Cowardly lion and we off to see the wizard. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I can't believe my luck. I can't believe that I am changing like the wind. I also can't believe what happened to me today. If you know someone your whole life but haven't talked to them in say 30 years. Do you think that is a person you would ask to borrow some money from? I am not even talking about a small amount either. I got a call today and this guy wanted me to bail him out of jail for the tune of $1500. I wouldn't even give my twin brother that kind of money. Let alone some stranger! WHY ME? Why ask me? I can't even get my mind wrapped around this. I feel like I am in a cartoon sketch. This is the most bizarre thing that has happened to me in a really long time. Don't get me wrong I would help a friend if I could. I am not a bad person and I do my best to send out good karma and love. However, do I have stupid printed on my forehead? Did I miss something? Should have I been looking for a clue that this person was going to use me for money? I remember thinking on Sunday afternoon it would be so nice if I could have someone spoil me for a change. Just to have someone pay for dinner and a movie. Nothing big but something kind. It doesn't take much to make me happy. I was thinking that Tim was just a friend I could hang out with and be friends with. Nothing more and nothing less. You know a friend. Not someone that is going to be a criminal. Not someone that is in trouble with the law. AND not someone that would be bold enough to expect me to pay their debt. To pay his bail for jail. WHO Does that? Wow! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you have a favorite movie? I have many but not many can compete with my true love of The Wizard of Oz. I love everything to do with this movie and book series. I was so excited by Wicked the play. I am over the moon for the Oz movie now. I seen it yesterday and am going back to see it today at am Imax theater. If you haven't seen it you need too. It's so colorful and fun. It reminds me of everything from the original only updated and way more fun! I love it and it will become my new classic and favorite film. I love OZ and someday I am going to live in the Emerald city. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, How do you measure a life in 18 years? I can't believe my nephew is turning 18 today and I feel like I haven't even had a chance to get to know him. It's funny how you always think you have so much time, but you don't! It is not something you can control. You have to make an effort to take control of what you want to do. I like having goals and today is a good day to work on some! Love, Michelle ps. Happy Birthday Dom! |
| Hello my sunny pals, Well I finally signed up for my state exam. I am not sure I am ready to put myself back in school mood to study but I knew I had to get it done. Now for the next few months I can push myself into being a student again. I need to refresh myself and the best part is I wanted to take the exam while the kids were still in school and they would help me. Nothing motivates me more then knowing my kids have faith in me. I will do my best to make them proud! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I love Spring and Summer. I just wish they wouldn't mess with the time change. I liked getting up when it was brighter in the morning. I will get used to this and then slowly the morning will brighten up. I was going to take some time off from writing. I keep thinking I don't have anything positive to say...so I am not in the mood to spread ugly thoughts. I just keep waking up from bad dreams. Which means I am not dealing with my true gut emotions. Whenever I ignore something it shows up in my dreams. I know what I am ignoring. I feel rejected and angry. I feel stupid for giving and not getting anything in return. I am angry with my generous soul. I don't like that. I want to be happy that I am a giver. I want to enjoy my generous love. I want to make enough money that I don't need his. I am freaking out. I might never get to that place. If that is true then I know my life style will have to change. I have to make changes now anyway. What's a few more? Dear God grant me the wisdom to stay the course. I am on the right road...Let me keep walking! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Ever have to let go of a so-called friend? You know someone that seems to have your best interest at heart but it never really turns out that way? I am not sure what you call that but it happens. I can see it in my own life and I can see it in my sweet girl's. She is at the age when her friends have to "prove" something to her. She has more confidence then I ever did at her age. I am at awe of her personality and strength and I so proud that she shares as much as she does. It's not easy being a teenager. It's not easy being a single mom. I am still struggling with my own emotions and doing what is best for me. What's best for me right now might not be best for me in a couple years. However, I am not living my life forward. No, I want to live it right now. I want to take each day as it comes and find something to love in it. I am blessed. I have what I need. I have what I want and most of all I have GOD. I am not alone. I am not perfect. I am not going to stop trying to better myself. I can do it. It's all good! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I love waking up to sunshine! It was bitter cold but still the sun was shining. I also love that I understand my role in life. I think I am here to help others. Now that I have learned to ask for help. I can give it. I am not going to make his life better. I am going to be in it. I am not going to change him. He is going to change because he knows me. I get that now and I am content. Earlier this year I was trying to make everything perfect and that is insane! No one person or thing is perfect. It's just a balancing act until you figure out what you want. I have a very good idea of what I want and what I actually need. The best part is that most of my needs are being met by me. For the first time I am relying on me. Yes, I might get some "child support" but not enough to live on. It's a small amount to remind me that I am not done working. I have to have a career. I want one. The best part really is that I am finding a way to have three separate careers. I knew I had multiple personalities and I am finally satisfying my many desires and wishes making my life almost complete. All I want now is a lot more love! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Ever play mental games with yourself? Ever set yourself up to believe something even if it's not working for you? I am a pro. I need to stop giving myself excuses and deal with my real issues. Rejection. For the past ten years I have been ignoring this emotion. I have "stuffed it". I have reached out in odd directions to help me cope. I have ignored the strength and power that rejection can do to the soul. My own soul. My own giving and loving heart. I let my own rejection cloud my feelings about myself. I was so worried he was going to reject me that I rejected myself first. I set myself up to fail. Simply by believing I wasn't good enough. All my life that is the one negative truth I have held onto.Over the years I have pretended to deal with it. I have claimed self-love and discovery. I have claimed power and strength. I give in and let it win in the end. I am going to pray today that I stop believing in old lies and start doing something about it. I am not rejection worthy. I am worth more and I know it. People tell me all the time, now I have to believe it and act on it. It's a good day to be honest with myself. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, You know what is sad is that I feel trapped in my dreams. I was pissed last night in a dream because I couldn't leave when I wanted too. I remember getting mad and telling my family..."I am not like you!" I never had the balls to say that when I was growing up. I sure am saying it now. I don't even hang out with my family. I know Easter is coming up and we might get together. I don't have anything planned. What I find so funny is how strong I felt emotionally. How sure I was that I was right. If I am not like them...Whom am I like? I am trying to figure that out. I know I had a great time working last night. I told my boss I love my job! I am not sure how the new artist liked me but I am a big girl, tell me what I can do to make your class better. I am there for the clients. My job is to make sure everyone that is painting is having a great time and that they want to come back! I had a blast communicating with the clients. I am a people person. I need to be around people. I need to socialize and also I need to be in control. I am a born boss. I love it! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am getting close to my full circle. I love it when time passes and I can look back at a big junk of time. I even had a dream last night that I was given a gift of a tree. It was to represent my growth. It was also to remind me that I haven't stopped. I will always be searching for peace. I will always be looking for the answers to my heart. I will grow and change just like the seasons. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, My boy is still down for the count. I am worried about him making it back to school. This has been one strong "knock em" down cold. He told me this morning that there is not a limit on how many days he can stay home sick. He begged me to let him stay home one more day. I sent him back to bed and told him if he still feels bad in an hour he can stay home. I am tossed between letting him go to school and just staying home and trying to get better. It's a fine line. I see him feeling a little better but I know he is not at his best. I guess one more day won't hurt but wow. This has been another strange week. Last night Brian came over and we did our taxes. I guess he wanted to see what my situation was and he was part responsible for half my bills last year. I wonder if I can keep on living on this small income. It's scary at times and it has taken a toll on my health. I don't have insurance for medical bills. I had a pap smear and it cost me over $400. I am going to go to Planned Parenthood the next time around. I have to find a less expensive way to live. I am not alone and I know I have to be more creative with my money. Lucky for me I am creative! Love, Michelle |
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