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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, Okay so Jackson is back in my house. He is here to remind me that good deeds don't go unpunished. I have no idea how we are both going to keep it together but we are trying. I am going to ignore his anger and he is most likely going to ignore all of my parental control. It should be a fun compromise. I do love my life and am ready to get back to some kind of routine. I have to manage my time and emotions. I can make this work. I am a pro at living in my fantasy life and pulling out a decent life. It's all good! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Yes, Momma knows best! I knew that visiting Jackson was not going to be a good idea. He is "using" his anger towards me to blame his behavior on me. I didn't want to see him so he would figure that out. Turns out he didn't want to see me for the very same reason. He said I am trying to keep him in the hospital longer. No, I am just trying to get him to see what he is capable off. It's time to out smart him and play his game. If I was to go away would that solve all his problems? Would he care about himself and make the changes to get along and follow basic life rules? Brian and I are willing to chance it. I think we are going to call his bluff and have him stay with his Dad for a while. I will still have to be there after school and get him every other weekend so Brian can have some kind of life. It's a risky plan but we are willing to make it. It's not about not wanting Jackson. It's about respect. He can be angry with me. I am fine with that but I draw the line at violence. I can see that Jackson is pushing me away. Perhaps that is just a normal pre-teen thing to do. I just think the way he is going about it isn't cool. I need to live in a safe environment. I need to be respected. I need LOVE. Lot's of Love!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I wonder at times how I can feel so depressed when I am surrounded by so many opportunities to change and feel better. If I can change my thoughts, then I can change my actions. I have been giving this a lot of attention lately. I have no choice anymore. I also wonder if I can keep being honest with my heart. You know it's very easy to deceive the brain but my heart is a totally different matter. My heart knows. It knows I am not in a positive giving relationship. It wonders why I have settled for less. It wonders why I think what I am doing is okay? It's not! I am depressed because I know I need to make some hard changes. I can do it. I have the will power. I only have to convince my heart it is right. Love. Keep Loving yourself. Keep believing in your choices. Keep on moving towards your goals! It's going to be a wonderful day. I have plans to visit with some friends. See a movie later and maybe even visit Jackson. If I can find the courage to visit him. I am enjoying the break. I need to save up some of my energy for when he returns. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have seen my future and I have felt my past. I have been here and I have lost. I know I need to change and I am finding that hard to do. I want to write a new song for you. I want to find your smile I used to see I want the child that is kind and loving I want you. I have seen my future and I have felt my past. I am getting lost in today what is here can't last I want to write a new song for you, and fill you up with love. Will you let me? Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Okay, so I know what I need. How do I find what he needs? How do I get the help my child needs to change? To even function in society like a nice young man? To take responsibility for his actions. I know it has to do with more love but it also has something to do within him. Dear God, Please help my child help himself. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am graced by the most wonderful and amazing friends. I know that I am loved! I have been near my breaking point and my friends are so supportive and encouraging. I love that I can spill my guts and still be respected for my thoughts. I am extremely grateful to Phil. I can't even tell you what his words of wisdom did for me last night. Sometimes you need a friend to be harsh and realistic with you. I am reminded all the time that in this life I am not really alone. I might act like it. I might think independently. I might not ask for help when I first need it. I might sit alone and go out to eat by myself. I enjoy my own company. However, I am really learning that I am a social person and I need human contact. I need it from a variety of sources. I used to think that I was isolated. Only in my thoughts, I always felt left out in my large family. I felt rejected for being the youngest and smallest. I felt rejected for the way I looked at life. I am grateful for those feelings because I turned to writing for comfort. I used my words on paper to become my friend. I still do. I still need my poetry and my words. I still need to express myself and create. I still need to share my love. Only now I know it's okay to share my words and love with everyone. I don't have to hide my thoughts or keep to myself. I can share. I can express. I can be apart of something bigger in the world. I am a published Author. I am a POET. I need more LOVE! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Finally, I feel refreshed! I have made a hard decision but I am confident it is the right one. I have to start taking care of myself! I have for the first time in my life let my personal problems become bigger than my health. Well, if I don't care who is going too? If I don't make changes who is going to make it happen? Choices and Change are going to me my motto for the new year! I am only going to let the positive energy of the world fill my life. It's all good! I am doing what I can to make this work. I can take care of my health. I am and will be good to ME! What about you? What new thing are you going to do to improve your health? Make it simple so you stick to it! I am walking to work and I can't wait. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I keep asking for love. I need God's love to continue to grace me and keep me on track. I have been overwhelmed with some issues that continue to make me feel off my center. I am a rock. I do believe my center core is filled with gold. I know my value and worth. Why do I let him wear me down? How can I find my inner peace to fight my weakest moments? I need help! I know I do and that is why I begged God in Church today to help me. Please, continue to share your wisdom with me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am the most loving gal. I really am. I know it. I know that I give and give. It's really who I am. I also understand that I have a level of fear that runs deep inside me. My anger is based on my fear. I see this pattern repeating from my childhood that totally freaks me out. I see my own child behaving like my twin brother and I get scared and angry. I get frustrated that I am powerless. I get frustrated that I have to defend myself. I get frustrated that I am doing this all alone. It's the most painful part of my childhood repeating. I don't get it. I moved on from my past. I forgave. I repented. I went to therapy. I spent years letting go and moving on. Why now is it coming back? What didn't I learn? At times I can't believe how close I am to the edge of insanity. The problem is I don't see myself giving up. Even if I tell him I have. I am fried. I am done. I am exhausted. Still, I know there beats an inner strength that won't give up. I know that as hard as it is for me, it's a hundred times worse for him. SO my love does win! I do have the love inside me. I do have the strength to face it once again. Maybe this time I won't run from it. Maybe this time I won't be so scared? I wonder? Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, It's FRIDAY! I wish I could say I had awesome plans for the weekend, but I don't. I think I will paint or make some jewelry. I want to do something creative. I also want to include my kids. I so remember the days when the three of us would paint and play. Having teenagers is a very new experience. I am not sure I am so cool with it. It's all about electronics and games. I want to play. I am excited that Jackson is in a good if not manic mood today. He is one funny bird. He seems to have to hit bottom before he rises. I am only hoping this is a true vision of change. I need to see him try. I don't want him to give up on himself. His negativity and defiance is so strong. I get blown away by it. I have to fight my own demons. I have been struggling. Right now in my life my stress has never been higher. I know that this is the life I am meant to be living. I know I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I only need to find the money to do it. I will. It will come. I will find my silver lining. I will live my dream. I am going to be a starving artist but I am happy. I am happy! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I received an envelope in my dream. It was filled with coins and an odd paper dollar bill. I don't know how much the amount was because I got a text at the very same minute I was going to see the amount. It blew my concentration and the money and dream disappeared. What are the odds? I always find such a strange connection between my reality and my fantasy dream life. I know money is coming into my life. I just don't know how much! I know I need some. I know that it has been heavy on my mind. My bills are paid for now.,, How long can I go living on fumes? I wonder... I will be fine as long as I keep believing in my dreams! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have a hard time adjusting to negative and cranky kids. I told Jax's it's like a poison that takes over the room. I sure do struggle with letting this all slide off my back. Maybe I need more patience or something. It helps that we have this house cleaned up and nothing planned. Maybe if we all just chill out we can relax and have some kind of fun?! I need FUN! Have a funny and sunny day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello New Sunshine, It's a new Year! I am glad the world didn't come to a crashing halt. I still have so much more I want to do. I think this year I am actually going to add a lot more fun and interesting things to my list. Heck, I might even work more and have clients to help! I know I am going to be busy as the Wedding Coordinator for my church. I already have things to do and I haven't even "officially" started. I guess you can tell I am excited to start. It will be an adventure for sure and I am always open to new adventures. I have to keep my priorities in line and work on my attention to detail. I want to improve my memory this year. I want to get better at remembering names and people when I meet them. I never forget a face but I always forget a name. I will have to write them down so I can remember them. I learn best when I write or take notes. It's a new day for getting things done and as soon as my kids are awake we are going to clean this apartment and put away the holiday decorations. I want to get organized and start this year out right! I have everything I need to have a happy and wonderful life. It's all here right inside my heart and soul. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, It's the end of 2012. It was a wonderful year! Another year of amazing change, new opportunities, and blessings. I am not sure how to end this day. Do I clean up the mess of last year or just let it ride one more day? The kids are here with me and we have no plans. I think I will let the spirit move us. I am open. Have a safe and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I think I am feeling better. I had a rough night but this morning things are bright. I need to keep myself honest. I know what I am doing and how my thoughts control my emotions. I have to give myself permission to take it easy and shut down. I missed a party last night but I think it was meant to be missed. I wasn't in the mood to socialize. I wasn't in the mood to fake a happy smile. I allowed myself what I needed and that was peace at home. I love when I take care of myself! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am in a strange mood. I feel alone but not lonely. I feel sad but not upset. I cried and felt a little better. I just feel a sense of loss right now that I can't explain. I mean, I can explain it. I get exactly why I am feeling this way. I guess I just don't want to admit the real reason behind my tears. I don't want to accept that if I am unhappy, then I need to make some changes. Do you ever get to that point in your life were you are tired of making changes? Wouldn't it be nice if everything could just settle down and be okay? I know that things are starting to improve. I got Jackson to see the benefit of neo-biofeedback. I got him to agree to a couple sessions. Overcoming his fear was a major break through. It was awesome. I know it will help him. I am so excited by it. I am also amazed that when I need help, I find it. The universe loves me. I am always in the right place at the right time. I have the best people come into my life to help me. I am not big on asking for help. In fact, it's been very hard for me, but I have learned in the last few years that I am not meant to take this painful journey alone. I have to ask for support to help me. I feel so blessed by the love that continues to surround my life. I believe that I do have everything I need to be happy. I have it inside. I have faith that I am who I need to be. I will attract what is good for me. I love my life even when the tears come. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Sometimes I wonder if I can live in this world. I am so used to be "taken" care off. I have little experience with taking care of myself. Sure I know the basics. I have been doing that for years. This is different. I am talking about making a living. Having an income and paying my bills. It sounds so simple. Get a job, make money, pay bills. What happens when your bills are more than you make? What happens when you can't afford the life you are living? I know I am not the only person that is feeling this way. I have talked to many of my friends and they feel this crunch. I see it on the news and I see it in my family. I am unrealistic in so many ways. I have lived in a fantasy life for so long. I am not sure I am made for reality. I have lived under the protective wall that now life is different. I am responsible and I get it. I wanted it and it's never too late to learn something new and change. SO, I get that part. I am still worried that I am going to fall short. That I can't make my dreams come true. I am not sure I could handle that. I am a dreamer. I am. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I think every couple of years I get a winter/Christmas cold. I think it happens when I am overly stressed. This year I have been beyond stressed and it is catching up to my body. I always love having a cold because it reminds me that I am not a super-human. It reminds me to slow down and take care of myself. I feel like I do a pretty good job most of the time. However, this year has been hectic. I lived through my first Christmas being divorced. Yes, I was divorced last Christmas but it was totally different. I still lived in the house and we still did everything as a family. I actually had to do things alone. I had to shut down some of my emotions and rest. I had to be silent and accept the change. I did a wonderful job but I still managed to catch a cold. Now, I am I am not feeling my best and it's getting me down. It's like the huge let down after the holidays are over. All that is left are empty boxes and torn paper. I know it doesn't help that I miss my parents. I am not going to celebrate their death date. It's not what I do.However, I don't let it pass that this time of year is hard. It's hard on me and I know it. I want the new year to start but it's one day at a time. I have to take care of myself now. I have so much to celebrate and be excited about. It's a wonderful life and I am living it. Just as soon as my cold goes away... Love, Michelle |
| Hello Snowy pals, It's beginning to look like a white wonderland. It only took me an hour to drive home from my sisters! Not bad considering the roads were icy and snow covered. I am glad to be in my own sweet home. I do love staying over at my sisters. The whole group of us gathered around the living room and stayed up late to watch a movie.Our Christmas night tradition. I love it and am glad that some things never change when it seems like so much in my life has changed and I am getting ready for more changes in the new year. I know that I have to be happy here and now, but I have no problem thinking, dreaming, and planning even more love and happiness in the new year! Love, Michelle . |
| Hello my sunny pals, I should have spent some time yesterday writing. I feel like I am bottled up with emotions. I suppose this time of year will do that to me. I wanted to send out a very Merry Christmas to all my Shellyville fans. I love you and pray that you have a very blessed day! Spread Love! Love, Michelle |
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