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Musings from my mind |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'd kept a paper journal for years, so I thought I'd try this out and see how it works. I must say, I'm rather liking it!! Here's some background stuff. I'm in my 40's, doing the single mom thing with a 10 yo son. My son has ADHD, ODD and was also diagnosed with high functioning autism. He can be a challenge, but he can also be pure joy. This is my safe place. I come here to vent my frustrations, celebrate my victories, share a recipe or two and make new friends. I like it here. I hope you do too. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| I didn't sleep well again last night. Just couldn't shut my brain off again. dammit.
Remembering Randy It's so hard to believe that you're gone. I still expect to see you coming around the corner at top speed to solve another crisis. You'd have a bottle of diet coke in your hand, and that crooked grin on your face, shaking your head at the stupidity of others who repeatedly create their own problems. Then they'd have the audacity to expect you to solve their problems knowing full well that as soon as you are gone they will turn around and do the same stupid thing over again. Once again, they'd expect you to drop everything you are doing and come running to help them one more time. You served because you cared, even when it frustrated you beyond words. I never heard you curse and you were never rude to those who didn't appreciate you and never took the time to say thanks. You could have gotten angry or been short tempered with us, but that just wasn't your style. Instead, you'd come in on the weekends and in the middle of the night, and often you stayed throughout the day as well. Many times, you worked with very little sleep and even less appreciation for all your hard work. You had more patience and tolerance that I could ever hope for, and when we really needed you, you were always there for us. You did so much for us, most of the time while we were sleeping and weren't even aware you were standing guard over us. I wonder, how often did you pray for us while you were doing that? You set a fine example for all of us to follow. I don't know if I will ever be an employee as dedicated and thorough as you were, but in honor of you, I will try. It made me so proud to know that you respected me. Your respect was never given freely, it had to be earned, and likewise, I respected you too, my friend. I know that in your military experiences, you've seen many things that no person should ever have to see. You've endured heartache, loss, and physical illnesses but never once did I hear you complain. You were a man of the highest caliber, true integrity and loyal to the core. Most of all, you were my friend, and I will miss you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again, my friend, be at peace and know you are deeply loved. |
| Last week was very hard on me. VERY hard. Here's the deets....Kinda long, but bear with me, ok? I hope it doesn't bring anyone down. It really helps me that I have this blog because I can write here about things that nobody really cares enough to listen to me talk about. It's safe here. If you don't want to read what I write, simply click the x at the upper right hand corner and go on to someone else's blog, no hard feelings. Life is way to short to get wrapped around the axle about petty s*** like that. I write here for me. I don't do it to entertain, or enlighten or to try to convince others to my way of thinking. This is the one place in my life that it's all about me and what I think and what I feel and what I want. This is for my healing. I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that this blog is totally selfish. It helps me get out of my head and organize my thoughts. I've tried to talk to a couple of people about this, but I guess they are so wiggy about the topic that they suddenly have a thousand other things to do. I got a call from my daughter Amy last Sunday pm, very despondant, so sorry she's been a disappointment to me, knowing she's gonna die a heroin addict, etc. She got arrested again, but they ended up just giving her a citation for paraphanalia. The cop that searched her bag got stuck by one of her dirty needles. That just broke my heart. I pray he doesn't contract her Hep C and hope that she doesn't have any other viruses she hasn't told me about. I spent a day or so racked with guilt about it, but I didn't recognize it as guilt at the time. Thankfully, a friend of mine called it out for what it was and I was able to process it and move past it. It still baffles me though....I mean, holy cow, I'm almost 45, you'd think I'd know guilt when I see it, right? I guess not. Then, Monday morning at work came and we were told about my coworker's death. Tore me up. I felt that maybe I should put together some sort of a plan should I get "the call" about Amy. Yes, her call scared me that much. I ended up contacting some folks in the funeral industry, and getting some answers to my questions, which greatly helped to give me peace. Plans are my security, as wierd as that may be. As awful as it is, I'd rather do it now than when my emotions are twisting in the wind with grief. I pray that those plans will never be used and she will become clean and sober, but I can't ignore the likelihood of an unpleasant outcome. So, after several nights on insomnia, and sad days, I'm sorta better now. As long as she's breathing, she still has hope and I'll just keep praying for her. God knows what He's doing, and He's still God and I'm still not. I'm not strong enough to do His job. I did ok throughout the weekend and I thought that I was really starting to come out of this funk. I was looking forward to a good, productive day at work. However, it seemed that everything I touched had a thousand little knots in it and I was only able to get a portion of what needed to be done fixed, and I'd have to email someone else to do their part and send it back to me to finish. So, I feel like not much got done, but I know that I got the wheel turning on a lot of things. It just doesn't FEEL like I got a lot done. I've seen enough sunrises to know that I can't trust how I feel because feelings are unreliable. I guess Joe picked up on my funk and decided he would see how much backsass he could get away with. It got ugly. I'm not proud of that. Yet, I give myself a break because I do the best I can. I'm not gonna guilt myself over the fact that I'm not the June Cleaver perfect parent. I smoke too many cigarettes, I cuss too much and right now, I'm enjoying some sips of Apple Pucker (apple flavored schnapps) to help relax. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow! |
| I'm still feeling sad today. I'm sad over Randy's passing, but I'm even sadder over a phone call I received late last night from my daughter. She was depressed and crying about how sorry she is that she has been such a disappointment to me, and that she has done nothing to make me proud of her. She said it was just too hard for her to get off of the heroin, and she would die because of it. It just breaks my heart that she is so mentally and emotionally lost right now. She told me that she had gotten arrested again, but they ended up just giving her a citation for drug paraphanalia. She had dirty needles in her bag, and when the police officer searched her things, he got stuck by one of her dirty needles. It upsets me greatly that a police officer's life is now in danger due to her drug usage. She has hepatitis C, and may have other diseases that she hasn't told me about. I pray for that officer that he doesn't contract anything due to her dirty needle. I'm really sad, and there's not many people I can talk to about this without bringing them down and making them sad too. If you have read this, and it made you sad, I'm so sorry. I just can't keep all this bottled up inside me. If you believe in prayer, please pray. If not, send some good thoughts or light a candle. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much, Curls |
| I'm at work and we just received word that our IT/computer tech passed away this morning of a stroke. His office is right across the hall from mine, and all of us here are walking around in a dazed shock. He was 57 years young, and had diabetes, but other than that, it was in good health. I am comforted by the fact that Randy was a man of strong faith, and I know in my heart that he's singing with the angels up in Gloryland right now. I will miss him dearly. Life is just so short, yet I see so many take it for granted. It makes me sad that the only way some people are reminded of how fragile this life is requires someone else's life to end. If you love someone, tell them today. Don't wait to right a wrong, and be the first to say "I'm sorry." Do what needs to get done today, because you may not have a tomorrow waiting for you. Rest in peace, Randy. |
| Yippee!! I've actually managed to blog for 2 days in a row!!! The computers are still down for upgrades, so I've got some time to kill. I didn't post this yesterday because I was still so pissed at the donkey. I'm down to a low simmer on that now, so I can move on to something else. A couple days ago Joe made me cry. Yes, I had a meltdown. I admit it, and I own it. I had gone to the store to do my food shopping, and left Joe at the house at his request. Upon my return, he was on the computer and I very excitedly told him that I had gotten something for him. He loves it when I do that for him, or so I thought. I had gotten him a key lime pie. He had just told me he liked key lime pie, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I took it out of the bag and showed it to him. He looked at it, then looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and said, "so...." as in "so what." I got upset bigtime. I slammed the pie on the countertop, started crying and walked outside. Joe was surprised by my response. He got off the computer, shut off the tv and watched me carry in the groceries as I cried. Yup, just watched, didn't bother to help. He then asked me what was wrong, so I told him. "I just did something very special for you and all you have to say is "so"? I'm so tired of you not appreciating me and treating me like dirt. I go out of my way to do things to make you happy, and this is all I get? Yes, I'm upset about it and my feelings are hurt! Think about it son, when was the last time you said "thank you" to me when I didn't have to ask for it?" He looked at me and said "thank you?" as if it were a question. I shook my head and said, "It's too late now. If I have to ask for it, it don't mean s***." He said he was sorry, and I told him that I was sorry for swearing, but I wasn't sorry for what I said or for getting mad. I walked away then to give myself time to calm down. When I was putting groceries away, he came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me he was sorry for making me cry. I told him that I knew he was, and that I still loved him very much. He then said thank you again for the pie, and looked up at me with those huge green eyeballs of his and said, "did I thank you for baking that cake for me over the weekend?" and I said, "no, son, you didn't." He said, "that was a really good cake, thank you for making it for me." I really hate that it took me being reduced to tears for him to see how important it is to appreciate others. On the other hand, I think that it was good to see that even Mommies have feelings that can get hurt. My challenge for you today is to find someone you haven't said thank you to lately, and tell them that you appreciate them. We all get so beaten down with the demands on us from home, work, and our other obligations, that we are giving, giving, and giving of ourselves, and rarely do we get anything back. I'll start by saying thank you to hoosiermomma2   for her prayers, encouragement, and strength I get from her. I also want to say thank you to Mr.Monk- GPs for the poor for his friendship and the way he accepts people just as they are without judgement or criticism. I gotta give a shout out to E E Coder  for making me laugh so many times with his hilarious jokes on days when I really needed a good belly laugh.To all who read this, thank you for stopping by and find someone to give some love and appreciation to today. It may very well be the only "nice" they get today. Peace out, Curls |
| Well, I've survived Joe's head cold, my sinus infection and Joe's stomach flu. I ended up getting his stomach bug too, and am thankful that it only lasted 24 hours. It was nasty! It was definately NOT the way I wanted to lose more weight, but I lost 2 more pounds. Now for the latest exerpt on the donkey: Back on Jan 14, I sent him an email about some changes I'd like to make to the divorce agreement. I sent him a word document outlining the changes, and told him that if he would agree to them that I would file the papers and pay all court costs, and he would just have to show up for 10 minutes to tell the judge that he agreed with the changes. I also stated that if he disagreed, or didn't respond, that I was still going to file the papers, but would request that he pay all court costs, mediation fees, etc because I did try to resolve it without having to go through all that. I asked him to respond within 2 weeks to let me know how he wanted to proceed. On 1/24, I received an email from him stating that he hadn't had time to review the documents and could I please hold off until 2/17. On 2/27 I sent him an email stating that it would be my last attempt to contact him before filing the papers with the court and to please let me know what his intentions were. (I had created two sets of filings....one for if he agreed, and one for if he did not agree. The unagreed papers asked for a lot of "fluff" things that I can bargain down to get what I really want) On 2/29 he sent me an email that he didn't agree with any of the changes. On 3/3, I filed the unagreed set of papers with the court. The donkey isn't too pleased with me right now, but that doesn't upset me too much, and he can get over it. Ain't the first time, and darn sure won't be the last!  I was highly pissed to learn that he actually let Joe read the papers I had him served. I felt that was totally inappropriate and it caused Joe much unneeded anxiety and upset. His dad has wasted no time talking smack about me to Joe either. Arrgh!!! I explained to Joe the art of negotiation. I asked for more that what I really wanted in the court papers, so when we go to mediation, I can "settle" for what I really do want. I was hoping that I could shield Joe from the ick that is inevitable in these proceedings and not have to explain it all to him, but it is what it is, and since he asked, I wasn't going to lie to him about it. I reiterated that this is not his fault, and he is very much loved and cherished by both his dad and I, and that we just don't agree on some things and this is the way we go about resolving them. One of the things I wanted changed was our visitation schedule. The idiot doesn't want the schedule changed, but on the very next visitation day, he cancels saying he was too busy at work! Go figure. If he doesn't want the schedule changed, he should have at least showed up for it. He's playing right into my hand here, making my case even stronger. What a bonehead!!! Computers are down at work for upgrades, so I'm glad I took the time to complete this entry. I guess I should probably go do something to look busy for a while. thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| Hi Everyone! I am alive and kicking, even though it's been a while since I've blogged. Two weeks ago, Joe got a vicious head cold that resulted in him missing two days of school, and as a result, my missing two days at work. So, I spent the remainder of THAT week getting caught up at work. Last week, I got a mother-in-law of a sinus infection. It was really, really bad. I dragged my sorry butt to the doc, and was afraid that they were going to say I had pneumonia and put me in the hospital. They took my blood pressure, and it was 90/60, which is very, very low. Three prescriptions and lots of time off work (I only worked 3 hours last week) and I'm feeling quite better. That was a wicked infection and I wouldn't even wish it on the donkey, it was that bad. Yesterday, I picked up Joe from his time with his dad, and he shared with me what had happened to him, and in doing so, I think he invented a new word. He told me he had a "power poop." Now, I've heard of Power Bars, power naps and power walks, but never power poops. Interesting. Further conversation with his dad revealed that he had a minor case of the runs. Then, about 1:30 am this morning, he woke up vomiting. Oh joy!!! Neither one of us got much sleep after that. He had a lot of stomach pain. Finally about 9 am in an act of desperation, I gave him 1/2 of a phenergan pill from a prescription I was given. The adult dosage was one pill, so I only gave him half of one. He finally went to sleep and slept a good long while. I started waking him up about 3pm. At 4 I gave him some gingerale and a slice of toast, with the instructions that if he could keep that down for one hour, at 5pm I'd give him another slice of toast and some soup. It's now 5:30 pm and he's doing well so far. I really hope that the worst is past us and he will continue to get better. I'm done with this being sick stuff. Lastly, I want to say thank you to reikidreamer for the awardicon she gave me. It's always wonderful when someone else recognizes your work and appreciates it. |
| Yippee!!! Nascar season is back!!! nuff said. |
| QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your rear end ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? |
| It's been a rough couple of days, and I think I can understand why. I call it a "fuse test." You see, just recently I started attending a different church and feel myself growing spiritually. What happens when someone begins to grow spiritually? Yep, tests and trials. Seems it's my turn in the barrel. It started Monday morning when Joe got sick. No problem. I can take a couple of days off and take care of him. That's one of the many reasons I took a government job, so I could have leave time and job security when I need to use it. Next, I get a phone call that my insurance declined my son's speech therapy. No big problem really. The school offers speech therapy, and the plan all along was to begin the therapy at the rehab place until the school got him approved. Then I'd terminate with the rehab place and continue with the school. So, I felt ok about it because I already had a plan B in place. I talked to the powers that be at the school, and we have an appointment next week to get the process started. After that, my cell phone died. Well, it didn't die completely, I guess a better way to say it is that it malfunctioned. I could receive a call, but the screen on my razor phone does not work. This means that I can't access my phone directory or see who's calling. I spent some time on the phone with my carrier, and since I got the insurance, they are sending me a replacement for no charge. It will get here this weekend or on Monday, so that's solved. This morning, the check engine light on my car came on. My first thought was that something didn't get connected correctly or got disconnected when I had the oil changed and the tranny serviced. So I called Troy, the man who did it, and explained what was happening and that I did have a service agreement on the car, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't something real basic before I took it to the dealership. Troy told me to bring it to him and he'd check it out. Their diagnostic test showed that it was a malfunctioning cam sensor. He told his tech to not erase the error, so I could take it to the dealer. I get to the dealer and asked if it was covered under the agreement. At first they said no, then they wanted to know what kind of agreement I had. I told them that I had bought the car there and they should already have that information because they had done work under the agreement there before. Then they said that they'd have to run their own diagnostic, and if it was a covered item, they'd fix it free. However if it was not a covered item, I'd have to pay them $81 for the diagnostic. I told them that I wanted to know if it was covered before the diagnostic, because I was not going to pay them $81 to tell me what I already knew. The service manager got involved and said that they had to have the diagnostic error first, and then they could call it in to the service agreement company to get approval for the repair and that I wouldn't have to worry about the $81 fee for right now. So I go do the paperwork to get the free loaner vehicle, and am about ready to leave when they come to me and said that there was no error codes showing when the diagnostic was run and the check engine light had gone off, so evidently the tech cleared the error code even though Troy had told them not to. With no symptoms and no error codes, there was nothing for them to get approval for. So, I loaded all my stuff back into my car, with the instruction that when the light comes on again, to bring it to them directly for further diagnostic tests. They said that the check engine light would come on again if the problem persisted. They just didn't know if it would happen in an hour, a week or a month, but when it happened, to bring it back to them straight away. So, for now, problem solved, sorta. I'm feeling incredibly stressed and frustrated, but yet, glad because every issue had been solved, and without huge financial, emotional or spiritual drain. Throughout these problems, God has been with me and blessed me. I'm tired and drained, but I'm doing ok anyway. It's a real pain in the ass to have to deal with all these things all at once, but ya know what?? I did!! I didn't blow up or melt down, didn't make any trips to Sonic for onion rings, and didn't take multiple shots of liquor to cope with it. I just kept praying and trusting that God would take care of me, and He did. Works for me!! |
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