A quick note... and then I'm back off to dream land.

It's crazy how tired I've been these last few days. I feel like a doped up, zombie Tigger. And, that's a crazy picture, especially when you throw in the extra hand-flapping that comes along with exhaustion.

To follow up my last post: I'm realizing that there is a huge difference between feeling crappy now and feeling crappy at just about any other point this last decade: NOW, I have enough "okay" that it is easier to be "okay" again. It's sorta like getting a cold... not fun, but not a big deal. But then, if you've been sick with the flu for a while and maybe have pnemonia, getting a cold isn't quite the same story.
And, while I wouldn't say the intensity of how things get is just "cold" level, its the same sort of deal. (If I were to rate emotional intensity from 0-10, I would say I've lived most of the last decade at a 3-4, being at .5-1.5 or 2 on bad days. There's just not much strength there to draw on.) So anyway, I haven't been *doing* different lately, but what I am continuing to do is having an effect now. (btw -- check out this link if you have trouble with affect/effect... hehe http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/affect-versus-effect.aspx )

There's stuff about my dog, Prancer that needs to be said, but I'm tired and actually have quite a bit to do today.

*stimmy waves to all, followed by an overly sleepy smile*
 

It's been really rough since yesterday evening. A good part of the time, at least.

Things that I've been able to handle lately have been getting the best of me. I don't know what is causing it. It's like that crapiness (self hatred, feeling wrong, etc etc) that had left jumped back on board. Hopefully I can stay okay better tomorrow than I was able today. But, just like being okay wasn't gradual, being not okay wasn't gradual, either. :-/

Meh..
 

The Bulk:
Hey guys (if anyone still reads this) --
It's been a LONG time...
... since I have written in here.
... since I have been active on Writing.Com
and most importantly:
... since I could say I was actually alright... and not just that, but GOOD!

The last month or so has been amazing. I am living and not just existing. I am able to handle all those things that I never could before by myself (or haven't for a while). (From just existence: wake up-be-go to bed... to self care: changing clothes every day, etc... to taking care of typically non-stressing things: feeding my cats [they did get fed, though - don't worry], checking my email... to higher stress things: opening mail, looking at bills, taking the car for an oil change, dealing with the car breaking down, working more than 2 hours or so.)

I was 14 when the depression and such started... so, many of these "adult" things, I really never was able to do myself.
It's really cool to see that it isn't because I'm incompetent or a dependent person... but because I was dealing with that much intensity that I was unable to.

I wish I could say what it is that is contributing to my health and happiness. Unfortunately (and with a bit of fear in there), I don't know what is different now. I am thinking something physical may have happened... but how something would change, I'm not sure. At the same time that started feeling well last month, a few other things started:
insomnia - I've only slept through the night 2 or 3 times since then... which is probably about the number of times I typically have issues with sleeping in a YEAR.
appetite issues - Getting a little better the last few days, but for a few weeks there, all food just was very unappealing and there was no motivation to even put out the effort to nuke something.
cleared up skin - I had this "spot" on my middle finger of my left right hand for about a year and a half. Tried washing it... picking at it, ignoring it, mouth wash, wart remover of a few types but nothing made it shrink or go away. Suddenly just completely disappeared a month ago.

So, like I said, I've been living again. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me over the last many years. Writing.Com and all of you have been one of my major supports/distractions/outlets, allowing me to cope to the small extent I did.

I must say something else weird that I realized last week. It was sometime in March: I had a good 5 days or so... and it felt like eternity. For the first time in years, I felt like it was okay to live, etc. (It's written in here somewhere).
So anyway, in that time, my boyfriend (still get a bit y about that in some circumstances) said to me, "I can't wait to see who you are in six months" (that might not be quite a direct quote). Well, six months later and here I am.

Oh, and this wasn't gradual. Not by any means. I was ... well, not at my worst, but pretty damn close nonetheless... right before I had my first good day.

So, anyway... I'm grateful for this. To be able to be and be okay with that. (How's that for a passive sentence!? ) And, so not only am I doing well, but this is such a change for me, that the appreciation I have is making me feel even better on top of it.

Goal for the day:
Get my tires rotated.

A good thing about yesterday:
Mmmm - Baker's Square pie!

Something I did right yesterday:
I responded to a message on Care.Com (and on top of that: without feeling obligated to say yes to the position).

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Today has sort of been a slap in the face of just how much I don't get social stuff and how distanced I am from social opinions.

From realizing that one of the reasons that I have the same clothes since high school (it hasn't been THAT far away... ), don't care about make up and such... is that I don't care about looking at people and so can't fathom the obsession with that. Sure it could (and partly is) my stance on someone's CHARACTER needing to be more emphasized than their looks... but a big part of that is just lack of social awareness.
To grabbing Brian's hand to put it on top of my hand instead of asking him to do it.

There were other things in there as well, but..... *shrug*

I'm still here... and my CafePress shop is doing great! Well, actually it isn't visited OFTEN... but the last order was for about 20 shirts... and I just got an email from someone wanting to purchase in bulk to use as Bat Mitzvahs favors to all the guests.
So, if you're interested as well:
http://www.cafepress.com/aspergersart
 

"I love that - you turn around there's a thunder storm behind ya all the time and then its gone... its like that chick on the bus. Was she real? I'm all wet ... so, she must be. no no, come on... that was not vulgarity, it was poetry ..."
(Ani chit-chatting before singing a song.)

So, a bulleted list of random recent events:
Got some yummy trail mix
Got 2 sets of Ani tickets
Planned a rafting trip
Was in the hospital
 

So, I have a gym membership for the last couple months now. Enjoying it. Not really doing it for looks or weight loss or anything, but just for the mental benefits of exercise.
However, the friend I signed up with is really really into exercising the last few years and has been (is?) a certified personal trainer... so do full workouts and such, which is great...

So, Tuesday, after doing weights (albeit in a very hot room), I was on the elliptical machine (in another, much cooler room). And within the first 20 seconds my heart rate was 160-something. It got up to mid-180s and I wasn't even exerting myself. If I were to, I doubt it would have stayed below 200!

So, called my doc, as I think it may be related to my medication. (I mean, typically my pulse is high... but not THAT high.) I guess to talk to the doc, I need to go through my case manager, so did that and she left him a note.
He's probably not going to be too thrilled about that, as the only other medication we have been considering is one that I could very feasibly die on...
Still waiting to hear back.
 

Wow - I'm wearing the same thing I wore when I wrote my last entry.
Spooky.

So much to say and so little time...
Ahh -- I have got to get to a group/picnic.

Bug me later to write more in this entry. Hopefully that'll be up today.
 

Let's just sorta say "ditto" about the last entry.

Hmm... and talk about something else.
Useless.
I have rainbows on my pajamas. Didn't change out of them today.

That's all I got for now.
 

"Everybody; It's time to transcend!"
(Ani says that referring to 'the black folks' music' down in New Orleans... )

Today's shit. Last week has been rough, but increasingly so for the past couple days..
I feel ripped apart, discarded, a million pieces comprising of someone's confetti -- at least there's a use.
Not so much even that I'm being 'used'... just the pain of being torn down, broken apart.

Seeing no future, feeling no hope, but working for one anyway because some things, some people matter.
So, I've decided that I'm going to draw. My idea is of a butterfly - outlined in marker, colored in pastels or water color. I'm not much of an artist, but perhaps it'll work. Maybe flying from a black and purple flame towards a rainbow...
at least the half-image I have is intriguing... And title of it to be "transcend'

So, I'm out to transcend, to fight for something that might not exist and attempt to keep a little energy to enjoy the ride...


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The Bulk:
What's been going on with me? Hmmmm.... lots, I think... but also nothing.
Working with kiddo again, the autism job. Had to let the boss know that the kid's mom has been leaving the house/running errands during my shift. Wouldn't have, cept it happened twice in a row and she came back late the one day... :-/ Anyway, (needless to say?) the mom was quite frustrated at me for that... :-/ The mom says she's frustrated about that rule and wishes the organization would change it, that it's especially hard cuz she's a single mom and would like the time for errands. (Well, hell, she has a seemingly live-in boyfriend, so c'mon, lady... and hell -- its not like the kid doesn't go to school!! She has the day to do her errands...!)

Yesterday was shit... well, started pretty good. Fun at Six Flags Great America. But, then the traffic back was awful due to a closed lane (which wasn't closed last week) - construction. Then, I was of to volunteering... and literally stopped for 5 mins on the road that in normal circumstances goes 70 (well, not during rush 'hour', but...)... and travelling 5mph after that... nearly ran out of gas. I should have taken that as a sign to just fuck it and go home... but no, I decided I went that far (about 1/3 of the way), that I'd go the rest of the way... show late instead of not at all... Volunteering went well, was calming... but on the way home, someone ran into my car (left considerable damage)... and the asshole drove off... :-/ Greeeeeeeeeat.

Hell, at least I had my weighted blanket in the car with me (for some reason)....

Oh right, and on the way TO volunteer, after getting gas, taking an alternate route, I drove through an area that just gave me some memories of a... well, not so cool guy that I knew....

So that's my last oh... 2 days.... now, I'm frazzled, feeling hated and hurt, and just wanting to hide... meh! ... More later.

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The Bulk:
It's been quite rocky lately, but I'm holding on... not always very tightly, though. I haven't been around here much lately - sorry about that. Partly because I've been doing the hospital program from 9-2 M-F (admittedly missing quite a few days...), partly because I've been stressed about the amount of things I have in the works here (anything running, etc will be attended to, though... just isn't working quite as quickly as I or many others would like...), partly because I've had a very positive distraction in Brian That said... this lesbian has a boyfriend! * *

I'm glad to be done with program, as the atmosphere wasn't quite as beneficial as I would have liked. Found it stressful often... partly because of one of the members who wasn't very happy with me and was quite vocal about it at times. Partly because it was so negative many times (not enough 'positive psychology' going on... though, it was an amazing day for that yesterday!),.. Partly seeing the others gain benefit from medication or this or that and feeling hopeless due to a lack of it myself...

People often say that those on the autism spectrum don't know how to have relationships... and maybe we don't necessarily have an easy time with some of the deranged social cues, body language, etc.... but I can definitely say that relationships are possible... and if truly let to bloom, can be much more enriching than those most people have. Ehhh, I just saw the time and am off to have silent coffee. (Someone I recently met happens to be a sign language student as well, not too far ahead of me, and we're getting together to practice at a Starbucks.) I'll explain this view (regarding relationships) later. LOL -- If I remember

Anyway, just wanted to check in. (I had attempted to a time or two, but lost what I was trying to post due to a silly error on my part.)


Word Of The Day:
Crunjules - Give your best definition to win GPs -- this word already has a made-up definition, but I'm wondering what meaning you guys could give it


1 Thing I Did Right So Far Today:
I ate breakfast.


Today's Goal:
ENJOY silent coffee.


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The Bulk:
Let me clarify quickly: There are three people who I send the bulk of my appreciation and thank yous to regarding the topics in the last blog post, those who I credit with both saving my life and giving me a life for the future:
Kim
panthera
and
Brian
(They are not listed in any special order, as all had extreme impact on me.) And on that note, please know that these are not the only people who have had an impact in the positive direction... just happen to be the ones that lately had an impact either extremely ongoing, at the right place and the right time, or so out of the ordinary for where I was (physically/emotionally/etc)...

(In Brian's case, it also was a physical saving of life, to a sorts. I hate to admit that he not only helped me get rid of - or was given/took? - the noose I had made before I went into the hospital, but helped give me strength to not use the one I had made while in the first hospital and was given (deconstructed) the one I started to make in the second hospital to take out of there and get rid of so I didn't get in trouble -- Note: I'm not usually so bold, haven't previously been the patient who will try anything, even in the hospital -- .... Beyond the nooses, he spent a couple nights when he wasn't sure I could make it, helped me (via encouragement, if I remember correctly) tell my parents of the need for the hospital, and other such interventions.)

And moving on... I found my planner! Wooh! I wouldn't have been surprised if I found it in the freezer... but alas, I found it in something a little more "normal" (a bag of Fluxx and other Looney Labs games...) Was starting to get a little nervous about that, feeling kinda stupid.

Outpatient is going well... even though the social worker told me that he wasn't sure this placement was right for me because I have such an extensive psych history. Thankfully, he also said that they weren't going to kick me out, that we'd take it one day at a time and see what came of it all... One of the other girls there is even going to school to become a sign language interpreter! She's about one semester ahead of me, so that is pretty cool... We plan on getting together in the future for "silent coffee" to practice our ASL. You don't just randomly find another Sign Interpreter major like that very often...

1 Thing I Did Right So Far Today:
Well, I just woke up... but one thing is I took a shower.

Today's Goals:
1. Write and submit my Contests and Activities Newsletter.
2. Catch up on "Tigger's Extraordinary Egg Hunt!"  [E]

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I have so much to do, both here and in person...
I'll get an update soon, but for now enjoy my poem:

1407964

Suddenly Open Eyes  [ASR] Knowledge of power by Tigger thinks of Prancer

Not as easy as I was hoping. :-/
(sigh)

Not fully sure why I'm even home.... or how long that will last.
I'm set to go out patient at MacNeal hospital on Monday.... was terrified they were going to just have me go back in patient... and it really might still happen, especially if I let brian come along and..... and if tomorrow is as hard as today was.... :-/

So, you guys can call my cell Mon. morn or email Brian at brain.sanborn@gmail.com to get information.

Thanks for all of the care, thoughts, and everything elese.
You guys are wonderful.
 

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I've been focused on this.
Not particularly sure why. March 31 is a hell of a long way away....
but what the hell? I had it written on my schedule for today, so I actually followed through with it.

Don't read too much into it, but have fun while it lasts.
 

She hangs around the boulevard
She's a local girl with local scars
She got home late, she got home late
She drank so hard the bottle ached
and she tried and she tried, and she tried and she tried
but nothing's clear in a bar full of flies

So she takes and she takes, she takes and she takes
She understands when she gives it away
She says

Man I gotta get outta this town
Man I gotta get outta this pain
Man I gotta get outta this town
Outta this town & out of L.A.

She's got a gun, she's got a gun
She got a gun she calls the lucky one
She left a note right by the phone
Don't leave a message 'cause this ain't no home
and she cried and she cried, and she cried and she cried
She cried so long her tears ran dry
Then she laughed and she laughed, she laughed and she laughed
Cause she knew she was never comin' back
She said

Man I'm gonna get outta this town
Man I'm gonna get outta this pain
Man I'm gonna get outta this town
Outta this town & out of L.A.
It's all she loves It's all she hates
It's all too much for her to take
She can't be sure just where it ends
Or where the good life begins

So she took a train, she took a train
to a little old town without a name

She met a man, he took her in
but fed her all the same bullshit again
'Cause he lied and he lied, and he lied and he lied
he lied like a salesman sellin' flies
So she screamed and she screamed, and she screamed and she
screamed
It's a different place but the same old thing

It's all I love It's all I hate
It's all too much for me to take
I can't be sure where it begins
Or if the good life lies within
So she said

Man I gotta get out of this town
Yeah and now I gotta get back on that train
Man I gotta get out of this town
I'm outta my pain
So I'm goin' back to L.A.


<<L.A. Song by Beth Hart>>
 

It's so stupid, but right NOW I'm so worked up cuz I couldn't find my glasses. It's 1:18am.
I was getting to bed maybe 15, 20 minutes ago. maybe more. Decided that I'd rather go sleep down with the cats and that I would... so got my phone (which doubles as my alarm clock) and decided I'd bring a pillow down cuz I don't like the one that I have down there... and then when to get my glasses and couldn't find them and of course I can't see... so I'm sitting here blubbering, getting more and more upset and shaky as each second went by.
And, I'm not wearing any pants.

But, anyway, its not about those glasses. Well, it is, but there's more to it, behind it, with it.
I did find them, under my bed... by the way.

Just so shaken up right now.
And STILL don't have a goddamned therapist!
Even though she said I'd be assigned one this Friday, I think I'm going to call my case manager back and say that I've decided to go elsewhere. That if it took this long to be assigned a therapist, that I don't trust it...

 

I've actually laid it all out to a couple people lately, in real life, at that... said what's going on. It is sort of freeing to have someone hear me... but now I feel even more closed off than ever. Guilty, regretful that I've spoken. Probably because I've been increasingly fearful, stronger in my need to get away.


Those 'Here For Now' lyrics I've been posting... The 'For Now' has gone so far beyond that the fear is ... choking.

But, in better news:
1- I love my COM 102 class. The instructor is awesome and her choices for reading material are right up my alley! She specifically told us NOT to deep read, well, she said not to go into research, not to fret... just to read... to enjoy...
She basically said that doing all that other 'class' stuff will ruin the book for us...and she doesn't want that.
It's funny that you can still learn as much, maybe more... THIS way, as opposed to the typical set-up I've seen for such a class.
Our newest assignment: Pop-Up Fiction. In short, it is basically annotating a short story, but condensely so, like Pop-Up Music Videos on VH1.

2- Because of this class, I have completely re-written a poem of mine, one I have been wanting to for quite some time...:
"20/20"  [E] Would love some feedback on it.

3- I have a location, most likely, for my Asperger's Group! I've been trying to find some place else for a while... and looks like I have!



 

Still didn't get information about my benefits, kinda finding out as I go along. Like my prescription are covered fully for generic, $5 for non-generic... but some aren't in the plan. so far, the one i tried has been good.
Tried to get information about an OT and they gave me a few names. One was for kids, one was for hands... :-/ So, don't even know where to look from there. I guess I can call a local school that deals with autism and see if I can get some names.

STILL don't have a therapist. :-/ Have an appt with the case manager, but not so comfortable with that, so might cancel.
 

Where can I hide?