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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I can't describe how gutting it was to wake up on Friday and find the Conservatives back in power, especially as I'd gone to bed that night feeling so hopeful things were about to change. I cannot belive we have another five years of David Cameron and his pals who were all born with silver spoons in their mouths, educated at Eton or similar and used their rich parents' connections to get where they are. These people have no idea what life is like for the majority of the British public and yet they are running our country. How does that make sense? I am scared about what is going to happen to the NHS and I am scared that the fox hunting ban will be overturned. But above all I am scared for the most vulnerable people of our society who will continue to suffer the most under this government. What does Cameron's pledge to cut ÂŁ12 billion from welfare mean for those who are desperately trying to find work and those who are too ill to work? Having only been in work for three months myself I know what it is like to be unemployed under a conservative government and it is awful. Not a day went by when I didn't feel ashamed because of the government's attempts to portray all unemployed people as lazy scroungers shirking their responsibility to society. I am lucky to have a supportive family and have never had to worry about how to pay the bills, or where to the find the money to eat properly. I can hardly begin to imagine how hard it must be to have those worries on top of being made to feel like absolute scum for being unlucky enough to not have employment. I think that Friday was a sad day for Britain.   But enough of all that! On the 6th I submitted my psychology essay and am now halfway through my course. Go me! I have begun the second module, which is "Introductory Research Methods" and am already struggling. I think it is going to be much harder than the first module and much less interesting too. But hopefully I can get through it! Before that I finished the Give it 100 challenge and have received my merit badge.  ![Merit Badge in Give It 100
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Congratulations on completing your goal at [Link To Item #giveit100] , having successfully studied the Dutch language every day for 100 days. *^*Boxcheck*^* Your determination to consistently pursue your goals has shone through during this time. We salute your courage and discipline and are proud of how far you have come on the road to this huge accomplishment. Never underestimate yourself, and keep making your dreams reality! *^*Starbl*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Give_It_100-1974153_9.gif) I feel so proud of myself. I am continuing with the Dutch though it isn't going so well at the moment, to be honest, and I am feeling rather frustrated with it. I won't give up though! I have ordered a Dutch copy of Anne Frank's Diary to celebrate completing the challenge but I think it will be a while before I'm able to read it. I still haven't covered past tense and I still get confused when it comes to word order. But having the book will be an incentive to keep studying the language! Work is going okay but I still plan to go to the interview for the clinical support worker role on the 20th. I have also applied for an administrative position on a ward at my local hospital. I really want to work for the NHS, which I consider to be one of the best and most respected places to work, because I love everything it stands for and want to be part of it. Plus, NHS experience now will look awesome when I am applying for NHS jobs in the future after studying psychology or occupational therapy. I did want to try and stick my current job out for at least the 6 month probationary period but if I can get out sooner, I will. I am just so frustrated by the company and the majority of my colleagues. I am so upset to keep seeing things that do not rest easy on my conscience, yet feeling unable to do anything about them. I think I need to get out for my own sake, though it won't be easy to leave. A colleague I get on well with, who only started 5 weeks before me, has also confided that she is planning on leaving as soon as possible as she shares a lot of my frustrations. I hope she doesn't go before me because I will miss her! One of my other colleagues continues to make comments about my weight and she is making me feel like crap. She tells me I am "getting big" but then also tells me she thinks I should put on another stone. I don't get her and I wish she wasn't so obsessed with my appearance. My team leader, too, often makes comments about my body. I'm sick of it and I wish I felt able to tell them to stop talking about it. I don't need it, especially with my eating disorder therapy ending soon. I keep feeling ill recently and getting these weird "attacks" where I feel completely tired and weak. It almost feels like I've taken a sedative and I literally can't do anything except sleep. It's actually pretty scary but I am reluctant to speak to my doctor about it because I don't want it to be brushed off as a side effect of anxiety or have it put down to not eating properly. I am actually eating well at the moment, despite feeling so worried about my weight. I'm going to keep a record of when it happens though and maybe raise it with the doctor if it becomes a regular occurrence. I want to say more but I'm too tired! I'll leave the rest for tomorrow. |
| Prompt: In his book, titled Consolations, David Whyte says, “Heartbreak is how we mature.” What does heartbreak mean to you? Do you agree with the author that heartbreak is necessary for us to mature? To me, heartbreak is when I feel something painful or sad so deeply it debilitates me. I experience heartbreak often and easily. I am an emotional person who has no shield to protect me from other people's pain and therefore I tend to take it on as my own. My heart has been broken so many times it probably doesn't even resemble a heart anymore! In some ways it is wonderful to be so sensitive and I think this trait enables me to be a good person because I am always mindful of what other people are feeling and I always want them to be okay. I also think it makes me a better writer because I can easily channel emotion into my work. But being like this can be incredibly distressing too and there have been times when I have been completely stricken by pain from my own experiences, and from taking on other people's experiences. Sometimes it becomes too much and that is harmful to me. Those are the times when I feel like I will never stop crying. I wish it was something I could switch on and off myself. I want to be able to feel and emphasise so deeply, but I also want to be able to protect myself from it if it becomes too much or I am not feeling strong enough to cope with it in the first place. I am having to learn to switch it off in my current job because if I allowed things to get to me I would never get out of bed again. But I am not always successful and things do chip away at my soul, like thinking about the lives the guys I support could have if they didn't have learning disabilities and communication problems. Because one of them is young, beautiful, intelligent and interesting. He should have gone to university and had friends and girlfriends and a good job. The other one has a wonderful, open, friendly personality and is one of the loveliest people I have ever met. It absolutely breaks my heart to see them struggle with the things most of us take for granted. They deserve so much better. I definitely think heartbreak has allowed me to mature as a person. My experiences have shaped who I am and I am pretty happy with the person I am today in many respects. I am far from perfect but I am open-minded, honest, hard-working, loyal, determined and focused because of the heartbreaking experiences I have gone through. I am not a spiritual person but I am beginning to believe that things happen for a reason and maybe I had to experience heartbreak and devastation through mental illness to show me my path in life. I want to turn those experiences into a positive by using them to help others and I am now working towards that. My heart has been broken many times and will break again many times I'm sure, but I have the strength and courage to rebuild it as many times as necessary. |
I now have a full draft of my psychology essay and I hate it. I think it contains the odd flash of genius ( ), but on the whole it is a big mess. At least I have something to hand in though and I should be able to resubmit it if my extenuating circumstances claim is upheld (which it should be). So if I get a terrible mark I will have a second chance and be able to utilise my tutor's feedback of my first attempt. Anyway, I haven't looked at it since yesterday but I might read it through later. If not, I will tackle it tomorrow and polish it up as best I can. The deadline was moved to May 3rd (due to online maintenance work) but I actually have until the 8th because I have a learner's support agreement which allows me to request deadlines extensions if I need them (because of my mental health problems affecting my work etc). I'm not sure if I will make use of that extra time or if I will just submit it by the official deadline. It depends if I feel I can do anything to improve the damn thing! I had a meeting at work today with my team leader and manager and am feeling a little better about things. The manager seems to disagree with the team leader that I will never be able to do lone shifts and has put a plan in place to help me work towards this happening. Later on, when I was on shift, my team leader admitted that she hasn't given me full support in certain areas, such as helping me to interact and build up a relationship with one of the service-users who is non-verbal. Hopefully now she will provide more guidance on how to work with this person and things will improve in that respect. I have requested to shadow other members of staff when they support him in the community and they agreed this would be a good idea. We also talked a lot tonight and I reassured her that although I do have anxiety and have broken down on shifts, I would never do that when working alone and have not even come close to doing that when doing lone work in the community. When it really matters, I can step up and hold things together, even if I am falling apart and screaming on the inside. She was quite nice to me tonight... well, as nice as she can be when she is such a cold person! I am still feeling overwhelmed with everything though, especially my upcoming hospital tests and also the job interview next month. I have no idea what I will do if I am offered a new job because although I love the sound of the role, I do not love that it isn't local. And I am only just beginning to settle in my current job. Having to go through all the training etc for a new one and getting used to a new role is guaranteed to send my anxiety sky high. But I suppose all I can do is take things one step at a time and for now I will just focus on the interview! Oh, and in other news... I have a new poem! 
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| I am hugely stressed today. Firstly I called my therapist to rearrange an appointment I had to cancel last week and she seemed really off with me. I had actually been expecting her to call me and am surprised that she didn't. It makes me feel like she has written me off. Also, I only have 2-3 follow-up appointments left and this feels devastating to me because I feel like I have made no progress with my eating disorder and I don't know where to go from here. What is going to happen to me? Secondly, I applied for a job at the beginning of April (the clinical support worker role I blogged about) and found out today that I have been invited to an assessment. This will involve group discussions in front of a panel of five people, which sounds absolutely terrifying. They will be selecting for the role(s) (I think there is more than one) on the day and successful candidates will be asked to stay after lunch to complete paperwork. I'm not sure what to do. In many ways this job is ideal and I really want it, but a major downside is that it is not exactly local and I would have a forty minute commute both ways each day, which I'm not sure I'm up to. Also, I am barely coping in my current job and this other role seems like it could be very daunting as it would involve working with people who are feeling very distressed and are mentally unwell. This is the field I want to work in, but am I ready for it right now? And... the assessment happens to clash with my hospital procedure, so I would have to rearrange that. That might be difficult as I am likely to need a sedation so need to arrange it for a day when Mark would be available to take care of me afterwards. Plus I have been gearing up for the hospital thing and it will stress me out to have to rearrange it. But to be honest I think I will have to go to the assessment. I hate asking "what if" and if I didn't try I would always be asking myself that. I tend to like to try things and keep my options open, even though that causes me a lot of stress! So I think I know what I need to do. I need to try and rearrange my hospital appointment tomorrow and then I need to confirm that I am attending the assessment. And I need to go to it even though I am absolutely terrified. So between now and May 20th I have to figure out how to handle group/panel interviews.  Any tips? I've done an interview like this before and failed miserably. |
| I'm getting a new laptop tomorrow. It is being funded through my Disabled Student Allowance. They were originally going to repair my current laptop but apparently the cost of repairs would be more than the cost of a new laptop. It is good that I am getting a new one for free and I am very grateful, but I don't cope well with change and I cope even less well when I am hugely stressed like I am right now thanks to work and study! I love my current laptop and I wish it didn't need the casing and main board to be changed (I don't even know what that means!) But I also have to accept that it is time to move on. I am sure I will grow to love my new laptop too. I have never not grown to love a laptop I have owned! Anyway, my full Disabled Student Allowance care package is nearly in place... just when I am almost halfway through my course!  Yeah, there have been some serious delays which have resulted in me using a faulty computer for three months of my distance-learning course. This does, however, mean that I have grounds for applying for extenuating circumstances, which in turn means that if I mess up my essay, I should be able to redo it and resubmit it. I'm hoping it won't come to that though but I really don't know. I have written about 1200 words so far (the word limit is 2000) and I seriously can't tell if it is good, average or terrible. I suppose I will just have to wait and see. Oh, I forgot to say... I took my second test and scored 28/30, so one point more than the first test. I'm completely baffled on where I dropped the points though because I felt confident about all my answers. I might claim extenuating circumstances for the tests too and try to get 100% on the resits! In other news I have just TWO days left on the Give it 100 challenge and I'm so glad I took part. I knew I could do it but I didn't imagine I would do 100 consecutive days. I'm seriously considering attempting to do 365 days but I don't want to start getting all OCD about my streak and feeling anxious about breaking it. Then again, doing ten minutes of Dutch study everyday has become so ingrained in my routine that I will probably carry on anyway, even if I stop writing about it in my journal. My shift with my team leader was okay. She acted like she hadn't pretty much called me incompetent and I was polite, but distant and wary. I just got on with things and I don't know if she noticed or not. I don't care. I have emailed my manager yet again asking if I can meet with her. I am supposed to have had at least two supervisions with her now and my third one is due, but I have had none. I seriously need to speak to her about the issues I am having but she is impossible to get hold of. But... I can't believe I have been there for nearly three months now. I'm doing it! And as long as my team leader doesn't get me fired I will continue to do it until I can find something better. I don't think she can get me fired though. For a start she is the only one of my colleagues who has an issue with my performance. The other two think I am doing fine and I'm sure they would back me up if it came to it. Also, if they fired me it would be discrimination because they have not put the adjustments in place for me that they said they would, to enable me to the job despite my disabilities. And I can guarantee I won't go quietly if they fire me! I feel like I am doing pretty well and having a job has boosted my self-esteem a bit but there are things on the horizon that look really threatening and I don't know how to handle them. The stuff with my team leader has made me feel pretty unsettled and I feel like I am barely coping with my course. Also, I have some hospital tests coming up that are already triggering some traumatic memories so I am worried I am going to go a little crazy in the next month or so. And I don't know how to stop that from happening! Plus, all the stuff with my eating and body image is so bad at the moment. I seem to have lost my willpower for restricting and that is stressing me out so much. I'll be honest, I want to restrict. I know that's bad but I can't help it. I preferred my body when my BMI was 16.4. I want to be that small again. |
| ARGH! Yesterday at work I had the shift from HELL. I won't go into it all but basically my team leader implied that she thinks I am incapable of the work and will never be able to do lone shifts. But here's the funny part. The only things she has against me are that I forgot to encourage one of the people we support to do his washing up on ONE shift and I had to ask where the other person's lunchbox is stored because I didn't know that. Apart from the washing up thing, I have made no mistakes at work and if that's the biggest error I've made as a new employee who is still learning, then I'm happy with that. I don't know what this woman's problem is but I feel like she has taken against me and that she is bullying me in a very subtle way. She is constantly undermining me and humiliating me. For example, she made the comment about me doing lone shifts in front of one of the service-users. How unprofessional is that? And it could potentially have damaged my relationship with him, causing him to lose trust in me, which I have worked hard to build up since starting this job almost three months ago. Another thing she has done is keeping an ongoing training record for me and asking other members of staff to fill this in. However, I am the only member of staff to have a record like this and she asked R----- to fill it in when she did a shift with me even though she has only been working there 5 weeks longer than me. R----- felt uncomfortable about being asked to comment on me and I felt humiliated by the situation. Anyway, her comments came out of nowhere. Previously I have been reassured that I am making progress. Had I not been completely blind-sided by her attack (and it was an attack) I would have said, "I don't think this is an appropriate conversation to have in front of a person we support". Instead I attempted to defend myself but it wasn't very coherent due to me being so upset and nearly crying. I was devastated. And shocked. I ended up going to the office to get some privacy and just sobbed. Then the anger set in! How dare she? How dare she undermine me and humiliate me in front of a service-user? How dare she imply I am incompetent when I have shown competence in every area of the job, and am actually excellent at the most important part of the job, which is empowering the people we support and promoting their independence, happiness and inclusion. How dare she treat me like this? So I made a plan there and then. I have decided that when I am at work, I am going to pretend I am the only one on shift. I am going to do everything my own way and in my own time, but ensuring I always stick to company rules. No more trying to fit in with her. I have been asking her questions and trying to fit in with her routines but she has obviously misinterpreted that as me not knowing what I'm doing. Also, I'm going to be an absolute stickler for the rules and call her out on anything I see that isn't correct. I have overlooked things previously due to being new and in a lower position to her. But to hell with that! If she makes a mistake she's going to be damn sure that I noticed it! And with that attitude I ended up calling her out on three things that shift, and one of those things happened to be an incredibly serious error that could actually be seen as gross misconduct. And she had the cheek to imply I'm incompetent! I'm also going to keep a personal record of everything she does to me that I consider bullying and everything I have done that demonstrates my competence.I wasn't working with her today but I went in with that attitude anyway and wow did I absolutely nail the shift?! Yep! I was confident, I was capable, I was more than competent. I did everything that was expected of me and more. And I did things my way -- no compromise. I also ended up having a heart-to-heart with the colleague I was on shift with and she reassured me that I am capable and said she can really see my confidence has increased. She has also given me some tips for handling my shift with the team leader tomorrow. So, although I actually have nothing to prove seeing as I am capable, I am going to be even more capable! This is not about proving myself to her but proving to myself that I can handle this situation and make things better for myself. So I'm not just going to excel at interacting with the service-users, I will also excel at paperwork, domestic stuff, balancing the money, checking the food storage etc. And before anyone says maybe she was just using reverse psychology on me, I'm pretty sure she wasn't. She doesn't have the intelligence for that! Also, the consistent subtle undermining behaviour indicates that there is something ugly and personal going on here. So... I almost let this break me, but I came back fighting. And I'm not going to let some petty, pathetic woman damage me. She knows I have anxiety and instead of supporting me and finding ways to enable me to do the job more easily, she is making things harder, undermining my confidence, humiliating me and creating a horrible working environment. Well, those are her issues now, if that's how she wants to spend her time working with me. I refuse to be drawn into it. As far as I'm concerned she's just background noise to me... or something in my peripheral vision that doesn't deserve my full attention! She can say what she likes to try to undermine me but I know how far I have come and I know how well I am doing. I'm a fighter and if I have to fight her, I will. And I'll win too.  *Cue "fighting talk" music* Tonight I feel like I have the spirit of a wolf, the courage of a lion, the determination of an ant and the ferocity of a bear! And I am UNSTOPPABLE! Grrrrrrrrrr!  Prompt from Blog City: You are chosen to be part of a movie production. You can't be a writer for the movie. What is your job? Producer, Actor, Director or what? I would love to be a director and get to make all the creative decisions. It would be so amazing to find a piece of work you are passionate about and then bring it to life for the screen. I think it would be such an interesting job, though a challenging one too. If I could make any movie (or movies!) it would be an adaptation of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I would not make a watered down, family adaptation though, like they did with the first book. It would be dark and gritty, just like the books are. The anti organised religion stuff would be just as strong as it is in the books. I envision it to be like an adult fantasy movie, with a similar tone and look to the film Pan's Labyrinth. I would cast someone like Ralph Fiennes in the role of Lord Asriel and probably an unknown for Lyra. I'm not sure about the other characters. Aw, I wish I could make this happen! Anyway, sorry this is such a short answer to the prompt but I'm not sure what else I can say! |
| I called in sick to work today. I'm not ill ill but I'm exhausted and heading for burnout. Today was only a two hour shift and I just couldn't face it. I couldn't gear myself up and summon up the energy to go in for just two hours. And I find it really stressful going straight from the Asperger Syndrome support group to work, but thankfully there is only one more group session (on May 5th) and I am not working that day. So no more dashing from one side of town to the other! I really need to sort my shift pattern out at work. I am on a part-time contract but it doesn't feel like it because I often have my hours spread over five days. So being in five days a week makes it really, really hard for me to switch off from work. I want my twenty-one hours to my spread over three shifts of seven hours. I have emailed my manager asking if I can discuss this with her but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. Hopefully she will soon because I seriously can't keep up this work pattern. I think being in just three days a week will make it easier for me to manage my course and hopefully I will be able to become a bit more active on WDC too (with reviewing and writing poetry again!) Anyway, the support group was better than last week but a little tedious seeing as one of the facilitators spent the session going over what they look for when assessing someone for an Autism Spectrum Condition. As the only one in the group with an official diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome it wasn't especially relevant to me seeing as I already know what the assessment process involves having gone through it! And I felt frustrated because I feel like I have some useful information about this subject but I was yet again unable to contribute to the group. When one person said she had been told there is no point in getting an official diagnosis due to no support being available to high-functioning people I wanted to tell her that a diagnosis can be useful. I wanted to say that a diagnosis can be used to ask for adjustments at work or in job interviews etc. I also just wanted to say that it helps to validate your view of your self and can help you to make sense of certain situations in your past. But I didn't get to say any of that. As for my course... I have been granted a deadline extension for my essay, which makes me feel better, but I am still aiming to get it in by the original deadline if at all possible. Also, I have covered all the material now so am in the process of revising and hope to complete the second test tomorrow or Thursday. So please wish me luck with that! Prompt from Blog City: “Writers write about what obsesses them... I lost my mother when I was 14. My daughter died at the age of 6. I lost my faith as a Catholic. When I'm writing, the darkness is always there. I go where the pain is.” Anne Rice What do you think of Ann Rice’s approach? Do you also go, in your writing, to where the pain is? I feel like a bit of a fraud for answering this because I do not feel like much of a writer at the moment having not written any new poetry since February. The campfire coming to an end was a real blow to my productivity and I have been feeling really uninspired. Still, I will always be a poet at heart and I have gone through longer periods than this where I didn't do any creative writing, so I am not overly concerned. It does hurt my soul though. I need to write but sometimes I just can't get out what I want to say because I don't even know what I want to say! That's what is happening for me right now when it comes to poetry. Anyway, in answer to the prompt, absolutely! Most of my poetry is a result of going to where the pain is... where it is dark and lonely. I am not afraid to go into the darkness to find inspiration and usually the words that pour out act as a light, helping me to make some kind of sense of the painful things and allowing me to try and process them. So I will write about my struggles with mental illness, particularly my suicidal feelings, and I will write about the death of my brother and how that has impacted on me. I will write about the people who have hurt me and abused my trust and good nature. I will write about the things that hurt me emotionally. I always try to convey emotion in my writing and I mostly draw on my own experiences for that. So even if the poem is fictional, it is still related to me and I put my heart into everything I write. I don't know how to write any other way! Every poem is special to me... even the crap ones! They are fragments of my soul. |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Love this song. The video? Not so much! But it is a great, great song! I'm not doing too good. On Wednesday I had a really good shift at work but Thursday and tonight's shifts were CRAP, partly due to my colleague, who I am really starting to dislike, and partly because of issues with the service-users. I'm not sure I'm cut out for support/care work. I find it distressing when the service-users are upset or anxious. I know that's natural but I think it affects me too much. I'm hoping this won't be a problem if I want to become a clinical psychologist or occupational therapist, but I don't think so. I think the issue is working with people with learning disabilities. Don't get me wrong, there are many, many positives and although I have been doing this job for less than three months I feel I have learned so much from it already and have grown as a person. The two people I am supporting have impacted on my life in so many ways and I feel privileged to know and work with them. It is an absolute privilege, honestly. But... it is hard. It is distressing when they are anxious but unable to articulate what is making them anxious. It is deeply upsetting when I can't figure out what is making them anxious in order to put it right. I hate that. And... the cruelty of learning disabilities seriously gets to me. It breaks my heart to work with grown men who are like children. I actually feel distraught at times when I think about how they deserve better. But please don't think this is pity. I am not looking down on them in any way. It feels more like grief, in a way. I can't explain what I am feeling. I don't know what to do, to be honest. I am falling apart and I don't know if I can do this job anymore. But I know I can't be unemployed again. I would kill myself. I know I would. And I think I'm going to fail my course. And I can't deal with my physical health problems anymore. And I can't cope with this level of stress and anxiety. |
| I learned a new word today: "chuggers", which is short for "charity muggers", which is a term for charity collectors who attempt to get people to give to charity and are particularly pushy about it. I just had one knock on my door from a cancer charity and I could see about 8-10 of his colleagues walking up and down my street, harassing my neighbours. They looked like an army! Anyway, this guy talked REALLY fast and would not pause for breath. He was telling me about a new cancer treatment and he spouted all these statistics at me. I kind of glazed over until he said, "we need the support of the British public, people like you!" and I broke in to say, "how much does it cost?" His response? "Just ÂŁ10 a month!" Just? Just ÂŁ10? That is a lot of money to some people. That is a lot of money to me. I only work part time and I am a student. I told him this but still he pushed for me to sign up. These people get on my nerves and I find them very hard to deal with. So I googled "how to deal with charity collectors" and came across the term "chugger" mentioned above. I realise they are just doing their job and I realise that charities need fundraisers, but they are too pushy and I don't appreciate it. My go to response of, "I can't afford it because I only work part time" (or previously "I'm unemployed") doesn't really seem to work. Sometimes I try, "sorry, I'm busy", which seems to work if you are passing them in the street and can get away. But it is different when they come to your door. I don't want to be rude and just shut the door but I haven't figured out how to deal with them yet. I might try one of these next time and see if that gets rid of them: "I already give to your charity!" "I already give to charities that are important to me and I can't afford to give to yours as well". "I don't give out my bank details to strangers". "I don't give my bank details to people who come to my door". "Ik spreek geen Engels!" (Dutch for "I don't speak English"). I might use each of these responses in turn and see which is the most effective. I don't have enough money to give to charity right now and I have spent over three years donating my time to charity, so I feel I have done my bit for the time-being. I will do more when I can. I hate how they pin you to the spot and launch into their lengthy spiel. Sometimes I just have to wait until they get to the end of it, but sometimes I am brave and can interrupt with, "Sorry, if you're asking for money I can't help you". And I hate how they often don't accept no for an answer. It's my choice where I spend my money! It's such an awkward situation though. I don't think they should be able to harass people in their homes. Their methods make me less inclined to support their charities because why would I give money to a charity that uses such aggressive and intimidating fundraising tactics? Grrrrrrrr!  |
| The Asperger Syndrome support group was pretty crap today. Most of the sessions have been, to be honest, but today was particularly bad and I ended up picking the skin around my fingers to bits through anxiety. But at least there are only two more to go. I will probably see it through, though I'm not sure why! I think maybe it's because I don't like to quit things and I have stuck at it this far. I suppose part of me hopes I will actually get something from it. Today the theme was "plans" and one of the facilitators drew a diagram on the board of a cross and put "cynicism" and "belief" along the horizontal axis and "optimism" and "pessimism" along the vertical axis. Then both facilitators decided to leave the room to allow us to discuss amongst ourselves how cynicism, belief, optimism and pessimism affect our plans. That was never going to work! I only feel able to contribute to the group if I am asked a direct question and so I did not feel able to suddenly start volunteering stuff just because the facilitators left the room. Only two people talked and they didn't even stay on topic for long. When they came back they wanted us to write our names on the diagram to represent where we feel we are currently, and to then draw an arrow towards where we want to be. When it got to my turn I said I didn't know where to put myself because my levels of optimism and pessimism etc change from day-to-day. One of the facilitators loved this response and said it gave him hope, but the other one seemed pretty determined to make me write on the board. He said I could write my name in the centre but I just didn't want to. He then said he could do it for me and for me to direct him, telling him whether to put the pen higher or lower, or to the right or left etc but I didn't want to and I got excessively anxious! I just felt the diagram wasn't a good representation of me or my life and it felt false to try and put myself on there. I ended up turning to the other facilitator and saying, "I can't" and he put a stop to it and then reassured me it's okay. At the end he said he felt I had made a mark by not making a mark and the other guy said I showed my personality by not conforming with the group and not doing something just because I was told to do it. Yep, that's me... stubborn and non-conformist! Haha! I didn't appreciate him pushing me though and I find him incredibly patronising. He apparently specialises in autism but he doesn't know how to talk to or help me. Most of the time he makes me feel patronised or anxious and I often feel like he is mocking me and the other group members. The other guy is better though and I like him a lot. I have met some interesting people in this group but I doubt I will stay in touch with them. I've barely been able to contribute and so it hasn't helped me much, if at all. I hate how I have come across because I am not as awkward or shy as I have been in this group. It's just groups that get me. I can't handle them. I can be articulate when talking one-on-one with someone (as long as my anxiety is not too high, I'm not too stressed and I understand the conversation) but am practically mute in a group situation. I don't know why. It's a shame really because I could have made friends in this group and I could have gotten some support. I feel the facilitators could have made more of an effort to include me because I can contribute when they ask me questions... I need their help to contribute but they seem to forget that and sometimes I get overlooked. So the blabbermouths are getting all the support and I just sit there and listen to their sob stories. I don't think I will attend any more support groups once this one has finished! I don't think they are good for me and I don't think I am good for them! |
| I'm really down tonight, even though I had another good shift at work. I just feel like although it seems I am coping with life, I'm really not coping. I haven't done any studying in a few days and I've written just 700 words of my 2000-word essay, which is due on May 1st. I am worried I can't make it happen and I seem to be totally blocked with it. I am completely exhausted and not keeping up with important stuff. I have piles of letters that I have only glanced at but I can't seem to deal with them. Some are probably important as I know I've had letters from the student loan company, the tax office and a letter about the pension scheme at work. My room is a complete mess because I just don't have the time or energy to clean and tidy it and that is stressing me out so much. I saw the duty worker from the mental health team earlier in the week and told her I am overwhelmed with work and study. She tried to persuade me to drop either the job or the course but that is NOT happening. I paid ÂŁ1500 for this course and I am NOT throwing that money away. And I am NOT going to quit my job because I would rather be dead than unemployed. She suggested I ask to reduce my hours, at least until my course has finished, but how can I? I need money! Thankfully I have been assigned a care coordinator now, after weeks of not having one since mine left. I am meeting with her on Wednesday and hoping she'll be able to come up with some better ideas to help and support me. But the main thing stressing me out right now is that I'm so unhappy with my body. Everyone keeps telling me I'm still thin but I don't believe them. I don't believe my BMI is 17.6. I do not trust my scales at all, which keep telling me I am about 6 stone 3 or 6 stone 4, but I'm absolutely not. The doctor's scales put me at 6 stone 6 but I think I might be more even than that. My clothes do not fit me right anymore, I am constantly bloated, my thighs are an inch bigger than I want them to be and I can pinch the fat on my hips and sides. I did not used to have fat on my sides. I can't wear most of my clothes anymore because they make me feel fat and look horrible because of my bloated stomach. All eating disorder therapy did is make me let my guard down and lose control. They are happy I am eating more and my doctor is pleased my weight has gone up, but how is this sustainable when I have no coping strategies to deal with the weight gain? It's not. People with anorexia are terrified of weight gain!!! But technically I do not have anorexia nervosa anymore because my BMI is above 17.5. That's stupid, isn't it? My thoughts and feelings around my weight and shape are exactly the same as they were when my BMI was 16.4, but they seem to think all that stuff miraculously disappears with weight gain. Whatever! I have been half-heartedly restricting for the last few days but it hasn't really been working. Tomorrow I am going to try harder to get this weight off. Screw recovery. I want my clothes to fit me nicely like they used to. I want my thighs to be 17 inches again. I want my stomach to feel flat and empty like it did when I was lighter. I feel sad that I am not as active on WDC as I used to be. I am keeping up with the Give it 100 challenge, and I still blog a lot, but that is it. I miss Mandy and PatrickB. I miss the campfire and the Art of Criticism newsletters. I miss the people I do not get to speak to as often now because I am always working, studying or recovering from working and studying. I'm sorry that I'm not as good a member as I used to be. I want to change that but need to find some kind of balance in my life first and that just doesn't even feel possible right now. I don't know what to do. |
| My shift at work was long and exhausting today, but also good. I was working with a colleague who only started 5 weeks before me and I really like her. I felt much more relaxed working with her as she is so laid back and doesn't make me feel stupid or like I am an annoyance if I ask questions. We took the guys out for a meal, which is the first time I've done that, and it was... an experience! One of the people we support likes to jump and bounce around when he is happy and he was doing that in the restaurant. I don't know what the other people made of him! I'm sure we had people staring at us but I just tried to ignore them. I suppose it is natural to stare when people are acting differently to what we would expect! It was a nice experience overall though and I would like to do it again. I really like going out, but working in the house is hard. I'm still struggling with the boredom and seven hour shifts are an ordeal! But I might take a notebook with me tomorrow as I am working with the same colleague and I don't think she will care if I take something to do. Anyway, I have just seven hours of work to get through tomorrow and then I have two days off. I can't wait! I think I might go shopping after my shift tomorrow, and then maybe cycling. I also want to complete an application for a teaching assistant role. They have a vacancy opening up in September, which is after my probation in this current job, so it might work out nicely if I'm successful -- I'll be able to complete my probation and then move on. But I'm not overly hopeful as I have never worked in a school before. And it seems like quite a challenging job. And of course I have to get some studying done too, but the less said about that the better. I can't wait until 3pm tomorrow when I can leave work knowing I have two days off! Prompt from Blog City: Winter can be too cold and summer can be too hot but spring and autumn are usually the most comfortable temperatures. Which do you prefer? What are some places and things that make you comfortable? Why do they make you feel that way? Ik hou van de herfst en de lente is ook goed! (I love the autumn and the spring is good too!) Not sure why I felt like saying that in Dutch! I don't like to be too hot or too cold so both these seasons suit me. I love this time of year when it starts to stay lighter for longer and it is possible to leave the house without a coat. My dog love this weather too and seems to walk with a spring in her step when we go out. And it's nice for her to be able to potter about in the garden! And it's nice to be able to sit in the house with the door open! Both Spring and Autumn are beautiful seasons. I love seeing blossom trees in the Spring and the beautiful shades of red, orange and brown in the autumn. But I find the heat of Summer very oppressive and in Winter I feel like the cold gets into my bones! To stay comfortable during the hot months I tend to stay in doors in the shade and walk Jade in the evenings when it is a bit cooler. During winter I have the heating on way too much! I get cold very easily so need to wear lots of layers. I can't wait for it to get a teensy bit warmer and then it will be perfect weather for me. Anyway, I need to go to bed soon as I am exhausted and have to be in work at 8am tomorrow. Welterusten! (Good night!) |
Yesterday I blogged about hating the way my mind works and I guess I had some kind of unconscious need to punish it because today I walked into an open overhanging cupboard door and banged my forehead. Ouch. I left it open after taking a box of oats out in order to make porridge. Once my porridge was cooking I wanted to leave the kitchen and totally forgot the cupboard was still open and that it opens across the kitchen doorway. And as I'm short, the overhanging door is slightly above my eyeline. So SMACK went my head! And I hit it so hard I fell backwards, banged my elbow on the worktop and landed in a heap on the floor. I'm glad nobody was around to see it!  My mum heard it though and called out, "what was that? Are you okay?" It hurt so bad it made me cry.Since then I have had a pretty bad headache and feel kind of weird, which probably isn't surprising. I still went to work though and was mostly okay. Though at one point I thought I might need to leave and go to the hospital. I started feeling dizzy and sick, and also got a stiff neck. But those symptoms only lasted 30 minutes. Now I just have a bad head and intermittent earache. I think I'll be okay but I'm procrastinating on going to bed as I am slightly worried I might fall asleep and not wake up again! But it has been about twelve hours since I did it now and apart from that 30 minutes where I felt really rough, I haven't been too bad. My work shift went pretty well today. I went out with a service-user to do some shopping, which was nice. I like going out and about as it makes the time pass quicker. When we got back my team leader observed me supporting the other service-user with something and said, "well done". That's high praise from her! I have a supervision meeting with her and my line manager coming up and I feel a bit anxious about it. My team leader is quite a cold, harsh person and I think she is more likely to focus on the negatives than the positives. But hopefully she realises I have made a lot of progress! I feel depressed tonight about my weight. Although my scales are still telling me I weigh 6 stone 31/2 I don't trust them and I feel huge. I think I have definitely put weight on around my abdomen and also my thighs. I find it absurd that I've had over twenty sessions with an eating disorder therapist yet have precisely ZERO strategies for dealing with weight gain. I am not coping and want to lose the weight but I seem to have lost my willpower. Although I know it is unhealthy to lose the weight I probably would if I could. I'm trying to cycle as much as I can because I think toning up will help me to feel better about my body... but cycling is hard! And I'm so unfit. I can't believe how super fit I used to be back in my karate days. Right now I can manage about 20-30 minutes of cycling and then I feel like I'm dying! But to be fair, I have been cycling up some hills -- they are unavoidable around here! Anyway, I should probably go to bed seeing as it's almost 3am and I have work tomorrow! Thankfully my shift starts at 3pm. But it's probably a good idea to get some rest. |
| ... I had a really good shift at work tonight. I managed to engage and communicate with the service-user I don't know as well as the guy I have been working with mostly. Everything was going well. My colleague told me I am doing well and have progressed and she can see how much my confidence has grown. Then towards the end of the shift she made one, tiny criticism and now that is all I can think about. Why? All that good stuff and I focus on the one bad thing. I'm so sick of being me, honestly. And my confidence may have grown over the past couple of months or so but it is ridiculously fragile. I am exhausted and heading towards burnout. I am just so overwhelmed I want to cry... or sleep... or die. I'm not sure which one I'll choose yet... Prompt from Blog City: "The Edge Of Tomorrow." What does this mean to you? At first this prompt made me think about the film "Edge of Darkness", which was a pretty terrible film in my opinion, but enough said about that! So what does "The Edge of Tomorrow" mean to me? Well, nothing really. It makes me think about twilight and dawn. I tend to get a headache at twilight because my eyes don't cope too well with the grey, murkiness of it. I call it half-light. I don't know if I get a headache at dawn as I rarely see it! I love the early morning, even though I don't often get up early to see it. I'm a night owl so sometimes I might see the morning arrive if I haven't actually gone to bed yet!  I wish I could have a normal sleep pattern.Otherwise I'm not sure what to day... is it the title of a book or a film? I could google it but I'm too lazy! This is a bit of a lame response to the prompt. Sorry about that. I'm stressed! |
| Prompt from Blog City: Over-thinking means obsessing about or over-analyzing regular experiences and interactions, and reading into them things that aren’t actually there. Are you an over-thinker? How do you think one can overcome over-thinking? Over-think? Obsess? Over-analyse? Moi?! Of course not! Haha! Okay, guilty as charged. Yes, I am absolutely prone to over-thinking and am trying to accept that it is just a part of my nature as I have an anxious personality. But it can be annoying and even debilitating at times. I think most writers and also other creative people probably have a tendency towards over-thinking because thinking too much possibly helps with the imagination process in that lots of ideas get generated etc. So in that respect it is a good thing, but it can be unhelpful when you can't switch your thoughts off from something. I get that a lot. I don't know how to overcome it. In some ways I don't want to because it is something that makes me me and I think it makes me more creative in some ways. But I do wish there was an off switch. Sometimes, particularly when I am trying to get to sleep, I don't want to be thinking at all, let alone over thinking! But that is the optimum time for over-thinking unfortunately, at least for me. It's funny that this prompt has come up when I have just been studying the basic anatomy of the brain as part of my psychology course. Even if it's basic, brain anatomy is hard! Learning about the structures of the brain and their functions make my own brain feel like it is going to explode! Is that weird, wrinkly, domed organ really the site of our thoughts, memories, emotions, language comprehension and so much more?! It is amazing to me how much we know about the brain and how it works and also how much we still do not know. This is definitely a subject I could over-think! I wonder if the brains of over-thinkers are different structurally to the brains of people who do not over-think? Probably. But would over-thinking cause the structural differences or do the structural differences cause the over-thinking? ARGH! It's such a fascinating subject but an incredibly difficult one. I must admit I barely understand much of what I have been reading tonight. But I think if I really took the time to explore it in detail I could begin to grasp it. So right now my thoughts are full of terms like diencephalon, neocortex, cerebellum, medulla oblongata, ventricles, limbic system, basal ganglia etc, etc. And I'm not only supposed to remember these but also remember where they are located in the brain and their functions... That's never going to happen no matter how long I spend over-thinking it! Haha!Anyway, I think I will probably end up over-thinking tonight when I am trying to sleep because I am back in work tomorrow and feeling anxious about it. I can always rely on my brain to keep me awake with excessive thoughts just when I need to get a good amount of sleep to be able to face the things I end up over-thinking about. Does that even make sense?I swear, my thoughts go so fast and get so tangled up it's a wonder I can even function at all... |
| I can't sleep tonight because my allergies are so bad. I have taken an antihistamine but am not very hopeful it will work because they never do! Also, my mind is going 100mph right now, so that is making it difficult for me to sleep too. My life is going through such HUGE changes at the moment and I am so overwhelmed. This time last year I was still feeling emotionally traumatised by my suicide attempt. Now I am working and studying and making plans for the future. So sometimes I almost feel happy and excited to think that I am actually in the process of turning my life around. Sometimes I feel hopeful that I will succeed in turning things around. But most of the time I feel scared about what the future holds and scared that everything is going to implode and I won't be successful in changing things. I feel sad about the time I wasted between graduating in 2009 and now. Everyone keeps telling me that at twenty-eight I have plenty of time to do everything I want, but it doesn't feel that way for me. How am I supposed to fit in studying for and establishing my career and starting a family? Especially when I want to do those things within the next five years! I had all that time after graduating to figure out what I want to do career-wise but my poor mental health got in the way and I feel like I am starting my adult life really late. I didn't want it to be like this. I know plenty of people take unconventional paths through life but I feel envious of the people who are travelling down convention road. I wish I could have done that. Instead I am twenty-eight and wondering how I am going to fit further study, starting my career and having a baby into the next five years.I am terrified it won't happen. How am I supposed to sleep with all this on my mind?! It's almost 4:30am here! I need hope and inspiration right now so if you are taking an unconventional path through life and are happy, please tell me about it! |
| Yet again I am in panic mode! I have less than a month to study one and a half psychology topics, revise two and half topics for my test, complete the test and complete my essay. The deadline for everything is May 1st. I feel like I can't do it. I'm actually considering asking my doctor to sign me off sick from work for a bit because I'm not sure I can handle both the job and course. But I shall see how things go study-wise over the next few days. But if I do actually manage to do everything then I will be half way through my course. So that is a thought worth clinging on to! I'm going to try and get myself out this panic and to do that I need to remember some things: 1. If I fail this course it is not the end of the world. People fail. And people recover from failure. Obviously I am going to do everything in my power to successfully pass my course, but worse things could happen than me failing it. Okay... that one isn't really working so moving on... 2. I repeatedly thought I wouldn't get my degree but I ended up achieving a 2.1. I made that happen. If I can get a degree then I can pass a 60 credit (university level) psychology course. I am much more interested in psychology than I was my degree subject so that is something in my favour. I constantly got into panics the last time I was a university student but things always came together in the end. 3. I have a learner's support agreement with my university due to my disabilities and that means I can renegotiate deadlines with my tutors if necessary. 4. I can apply for extenuating circumstances (eg. debilitating mental health problems, my DSA support not being in place in time etc) and that means I should be able to resubmit work or retake tests if necessary. So I think I need a plan or two to work through this anxiety and I think plan A will go like this:  I will email my tutor next week and renegotiate my deadline. I am still aiming to get the test and essay done by May 1st but I think my anxiety will be significantly reduced if I know I have a safety net in place. I will concentrate on finishing all the topics (and do small amounts of work on my essay each day). Once I have finished the topics I will take a break from the essay so I can spend a few days intensively revising and then get the test out the way. Once the test is out the way I will dedicate all the remaining time to my essay. I will apply for extenuating circumstances in case I mess up the test and/or essay.How does that sound? Plan B is to ask my doctor to sign me off from work for a couple of weeks if I find I am not coping with both work AND study. But hopefully it won't come to that. Then I get to go through all of this again for the second module of my course, which is likely to be even harder than this one due to involving statistics. Though I am hoping it will be less theoretical than this module, which might make things a bit easier. Fingers crossed! If I can complete a BSc degree with honours in Animal Biology and Conservation then I can pass a university certificate in psychology. I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! At least I hope I can... Anyway, sorry if all the recent entries about study are boring but that's kind of dominating my life right now. I'll be so glad when this course is over! Am I mad for contemplating even further study? |
| I feel so down today. I know I have been doing much better but I constantly feel that it is all about to unravel and I am terrified of being back how I was this time last year. Today I am feeling depressed about the weight I put on in eating disorder therapy, which logically I know isn't that much. Apparently I am 3kg heavier than I was around this time last year. Is that a lot to put on in a year? I don't know. When I got weighed at my GP surgery I was about 41kg and apparently my BMI is now around 17.6, which is still technically underweight. However, BMI isn't accurate and I am probably at a healthy weight for my height and frame right now, albeit at the lower end of my healthy weight range... But no matter how much I tell myself it's good to be healthy and I am still slim, I can't see it like that and I feel enormous. I feel like my clothes don't fit me nicely anymore. And it doesn't help that recently I have been experiencing excessive bloating. And I mean excessive to the point where I sometimes look pregnant. I have mentioned this problem to my GP before but he doesn't really do anything. I want to pursue it because it is pretty much ruining my life right now but I am also wary about pushing too hard about it because of what my GP said last month about how I need to get out of the "patient role". I meant to clarify that comment with him in my appointment earlier this week but I wasn't brave enough. I really should though because it upset me greatly and made me feel like a burden. I want some reassurance that I'm not a burden. Also, I am depressed about my psychology essay and struggling with it a lot. I spent two hours on one, short paragraph this morning and it isn't even good! I am scared that I am going to fail this essay and fail my course. How can I consider studying clinical psychology or occupational therapy when I am struggling this badly with a 60 credit psychology course? I actually have NO idea how I managed to get my degree in Animal Biology and Conservation... seriously.And I am anxious about going back to work next Tuesday. Now my team leader is back from leave things are going to be stressful again due to her inability to give me clear instructions. I wish my senior colleague was my team leader -- she is so much better at helping me to progress and ensuring that I know what I'm doing. So right now I just feel like giving up. What is the point in all this, really? I am so tired of it all. Honestly, I am just done with my life feeling like a constant battle.  |
My allergies have been bad all through autumn and winter but over the last couple of days they have gotten much, much worse.   Welcome back, hay fever! I feel like I might die this year! I'm already feeling like I am suffocating and this is bound to get even worse around May-June time. In other news I have applied for another job! Even though I have employment now I have not been able to break the habit of job searching, which is possibly because I still can't quite believe I have a job! Anyway, while I had planned on sticking out my current job for at least the six month probationary period, I am not averse to leaving sooner if an awesome opportunity presents itself. And it has! Last night I found a job for a clinical support worker on an inpatient ward and it sounds too awesome to be true. They are not even looking for someone with particular experience or qualifications, just someone who has an empathetic nature, a willingness to help others and a desire to work in the psychology field. That's me! So I have applied for this job and fingers crossed I will get an interview. I will almost certainly take it if offered it because it is much more in line with what I want to do in the future than my current job is. It could not be more perfect in terms of the experience it offers and would just look wonderful on any applications for psychology courses. Speaking of psychology courses... I had planned to apply for conversion courses for this September but I have now had a rethink. I am unsure if I want to pursue a career in clinical psychology or occupational therapy so I am going to take some time to truly consider each career path and then apply for courses in September 2016. I want to shadow both a clinical psychologist and an occupational therapist, read lots of books on both subjects and explore all the potential courses in depth before I make up my mind. I'm determined to do things properly and embark on the right course this time. Also, putting things off until next year means that I can save like crazy and then not have to worry about how I will fund my course. As impatient as I am in wanting to move my life forward, I know I am doing the right thing in stopping to really consider such an important decision. I think it will be frustrating to have to wait until next year to get going but I can't rush what will hopefully determine the course of my whole life. But going back to the job I have applied for... I am trying not to get my hopes up too much about it. Hopefully I won't be too devastated if it doesn't work out because at least I actually have a job now and I know it is providing me with a wealth of experience which will help me in the future. But it's hard not to get my hopes up! Please keep your fingers crossed for me. |
| Yesterday I bought a bike and I collected it today! It is beautiful and I have decided to name it Cosmo, because I have a silly habit of naming my tranportation (my car is called Kelvin). I had been thinking of getting one for a while because I want to exercise more but am not a fan of paying out for the gym each month! I had my reservations though because it's a big expense and I haven't ridden a bike in a long time -- I wasn't sure I would even like it. But then I got some money I wasn't expecting and I thought, why not just go for it? So I did! I have purchased a 21 speed aluminium-frame Ammaco Cosmopolitan and I love it! It looks amazing and comes with a bike rack, mudguards, kickstand, chain protector and bell. I got a helmet and bike cover too. Mark and I had a tough job trying to fit it in my car (which is tiny!) but we got there in the end. When we got home I wanted to have a go on it straight away, so decided to just try it up and down my street. I hadn't cycled for at least fifteen years but the saying "you never forget how to ride a bike" appears to be true. After a pretty shaky start I was soon flying... well, almost! Later that evening I took it out again to the local lake and Mark came with me because I was feeling worried about falling off! But it was fine and my confidence increased. After one circuit Mark went home and I did another lap of the lake. It was great! But totally wore me out... and I ache a lot now. I think it will do me good though and if I can use it a lot I hope it will help me to tone up, which might help me feel more relaxed about the few pounds I put on during eating disorder therapy. In other news my Dutch study is going great and I am almost three quarters of the way there with the Give it 100 challenge. I think I'm going to make it!
I have nine hours of work to get through tomorrow and Tuesday and then I am off for six days (yay!) Tomorrow I am on a training course to learn Makaton, which should be interesting. Makaton is a language programme of signs and symbols that can be used to help people communicate. I am planning on using my days off to make some serious headway with my essay... and to go out on my bike! Hopefully the weather will improve. It's typical isn't it? We have days of lovely weather then I buy a bike and it becomes wet and windy. Never mind! |
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