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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So a few days ago I said I'd had a meltdown over my psychology essay. Since then I have abandoned both the cognitive and social titles and have gone with the personality one, which is: "Compare and contrast the psychoanalytic and trait approaches to personality. Within your answer show evidence of further reading that could support or refute the claims of these". I have spent some time reading up on and researching the theories and have made a table to compare the similarities and differences between them. I have identified some key studies and am beginning to think about how to evaluate those. I feel like I have a ton of ideas and I have amassed quite a large amount of material to go in the essay... But how do I tie it all together??? I am panicking! I just can't seem to figure out the best order to put things in and I have no idea how to make the damn thing flow.  So far I am just writing little snippets as they come to me but they read like snippets! I can't seem to link things up in any kind of logical way. I am getting a bit overwhelmed...I have never been good at essays but I seriously want to do well on this one. I am trying so hard and it still isn't coming together. Why can I express myself so well in poetry or through blogging, but not in an essay? My thoughts just seem to get completely tangled up when I'm writing essays and this is the first one I have written in well over five years so I am waaaaaaaaaaay out of practice! But I have until May 1st to make it work. I am already doing much better than when I was at university previously because I am beginning the essay over a month in advance, rather than two days before the deadline! Also, I have already reached out for help from my tutor to make sure I am on the right track, which I never used to do before. I achieved a range of grades for my Animal Biology and Conservation assignments, but did occassionally pull off some higher-level work. I so badly want to achieve a grade above 70% for my psychology essay, which would be a "distinction". I just don't know if it's going to happen. |
I am so exhausted.  My work shifts this week have been really crazy and I had to do two seven hours shifts over the weekend, but thankfully I now have two days off. Then I'm working five hour shifts Wednesday to Friday and have next weekend off. I know I'm only doing part-time hours, but work is still totally draining me. It's just so hard and I am having a lot of problems. I still remain really good at what I feel is the most important part of the job, but I feel like I'm rather crap at everything else. The guy I am mostly supporting is an absolute sweetheart and I don't think I could stick the job out if it wasn't for him. He makes it bearable! But here are some things that are hugely stressful:  The lack of supervision from my manager -- staff members are supposed to have regular supervision meetings with the manager and new staff are supposed to have at least one a month until the probationary period is over. I've had none even though I have been working there for over six weeks. I was supposed to meet with my manager before I even started the job in order to discuss how my anxiety and Asperger Syndrome might affect my work and what adjustments I might need etc. That never happened. The crazy rota -- I work twenty-one to twenty-two hours a week but they often spread these out over five days which just seems stupid. I would much rather do three seven-hour shifts a week. The ridiculously poor communication -- this is probably one of the worst things about working there. They make rota changes and don't inform anyone; they tell me to take the service-user to places but don't give me important information (e.g. not letting me know his mum is coming to pick him up at lunchtime!); they know a week in advance that two training courses have been swapped with each other but don't inform anyone until the day before, meaning some people couldn't do one or both courses due to having other commitments. I could go on and on and on. Cooking -- looks like I'm going to have to cook meat.  I'm not 100% sure but my team leader and colleague are being less flexible about this situation now and keep saying they are going to teach me to cook it. I got to work yesterday morning and my colleague said, "you're going to cook breakfast" and when I asked what they were having she said, "a full English breakfast". So I had to say for about the millionth time, "I have been a vegetarian since I was seven years old and have never cooked meat in my life. I don't know how to do it". She knows this, so why was she expecting me to cook a full English breakfast?  I think I'm going to lose the job if I don't do the cooking (and I am not allowed to cook meat-free options because that takes away their right to choice apparently, not that they get much say in the matter anyway -- seems like staff decide what they're having.  ) But anyway, I'm stlll waiting for an appointment with my manager, so I haven't been able to discuss this major issue with her yet. I don't want to do it, but I don't want to be unemployed again either. In fact, I would rather be dead than unemployed. So I just need to think, I'm not buying it, I'm not eating it. I'm supporting two guys who need help making their meals. I don't know.I'm sure there's more but I'm too tired to think of them right now. I end up feeling tearful most shifts and have cried properly at least twice while at work. I'm so sick of the lack of communication, clear instructions and support. I was open about my conditions when I got offered the job and they said they would support me to work but they are not doing that at all. I am determined to stick it out for the 6 month probationary period though. I can't wait for August! But what if I can't get another job...  |
| Last night I had a HUGE meltdown about my psychology essay. I decided to do the cognitive one and then got completely overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get my thoughts around what I'm supposed to write exactly. I ended up emailing my tutor for some guidance but he hasn't responded yet. Hopefully he will tomorrow. Today has been better despite attending a three hour training course and then doing a five hour work shift straight after. The course was First Aid and I found it useful and interesting. But I hope I never have to use it! The lady running the course happens to be the training manager for the company and so I took the opportunity to ask her about the online course in Mental Health Awareness I mentioned a little while ago. From the sounds of it it isn't too intensive so I've told her I am interested in doing it. Also... I told her I am studying psychology and asked her about the company's psychology department and if it would be possible for me to do some work experience with them at some point. Her response was very positive and she said she doesn't see why I couldn't do that and that it would be good experience. She has told me to put it in writing so fingers crossed it happens! It would be an absolutely IDEAL opportunity for me to see how a psychologist works and get a feel for the job. Also, it's great to make contact with psychologists as they may be able to help me with pursuing a career in the field. Over the last couple of days I have been looking in detail at psychology conversion courses and I am seriously considering applying for this year, so starting in Autumn. I am particularly interested in courses at Manchester Metropolitan (which is completely online), Chester, Hertfordshire and Greenwich. I would have to commute to any of the latter three as they are not distance-learning. I have already made contact with the award leader for the Hertfordshire course who has recommended I study part time if I plan to continue working. That might be worth thinking about, especially as I would like to go up to full time hours at work eventually... maybe even this year. So... exciting! You know, if things pan out, I work hard and dreams do come true, I could potentially be a fully qualified clinical psychologist by the time I am 32 (at the absolute earliest, but more likely somewhere between 33-36). This is my vague plan... Phase 1: 1. Complete university certificate psychology course to gain the 60 credits I need. 2. Start part-time conversion course in September 2015. 3. Continue working in my current job, moving up to full time hours as soon as I feel able to. 4. Get as much experience as I can in working with people with autism, do work experience in the psychology department and network, network, network with the psychologists I meet! Phase 2: 1. Do second year of part-time conversion course. 2. Get new job, hopefully related to mental health/psychology and hopefully in the NHS (NHS experience seems important for getting on clinical psychology programmes). 3. Hopefully graduate and get job as assistant psychologist (though these are like gold dust apparently!) Phase 3: 1. Apply and hopefully get on clinical psychology doctorate programme (which is massively competitive! 2. Complete 3 years of clinical psychology training. 3. Pass course and get job as clinical psychologist. Phase 4: 1. Work happily ever after as a super-awesome clinical psychologist!  Do I dream too big? Aim too high? I don't know, but I want to try. I should try, right? If I fail, I fail. I would consider myself an even bigger failure if I didn't even try and I would constantly be asking myself, "what if..." and thinking, "I should have just gone for it..." I'm a trier! I always have been.I was worried the whole psychology thing was just another of my harebrained schemes but I have been passionate about psychology since I studied it at A level. I would have studied it at university if my life hadn't been so chaotic and my confidence so low. Finding out that it is possible to do a conversion course was like being thrown a lifeline. I have to grab it! |
| So I took my multiple choice psychology test and scored 27/30. I felt depressed for a while that I didn't get 100% but I'm getting over that. A score of 90% is awesome! Now I need to decide on which essay title to work with and get started on that. Here are the options: 1. Social: With reference to relevant theory and research, discuss the conclusions psychologists have come to about whether attitudes and behaviour are linked. 2. Cognitive: Evaluate the evidence that suggests memory is not a unitary store 3. Intelligence: What evidence is there to suggest that intelligence is inherited? 4. Personality: Compare and contrast the psychoanalytic and trait approaches to personality. Within your answer show evidence of further reading that could support or refute the claims of these theories. 5. Developmental: Compare and contrast Piaget and Vygotsky's approaches to cognitive development. 6. Biological: Discuss how brain development is influenced by the interaction of nature and nurture. The essay should be about 2000 words. How can I choose?! The social psychology title feels too vague and too big to me. Though attitudes and behaviour is an interesting topic, I'm leaning away from that one! The cognitive title seems a bit dull but is potentially easier than some of the others. That's on my reserve list! The intelligence topic bored me so I'm not sure I want to write a whole essay on the subject -- still, it seems quite straightforward. I've yet to study personality, developmental and biological psychology so need to skim over these topics to help with my choice. But all three titles sound interesting! ARGH! I'm scared! I haven't written an essay in almost six years and I was never especially good at it, often being told that my style is too abrupt (but I can't help it if I like to get to the point and fast!) I'm hoping to do things completely differently this time around. When I was at university before I would often leave work to the last minute and then have two days to write an essay (seriously!) I have no idea how I got my degree with that method!  I don't want to do a rush job this time. I want to plan it properly, think about it, have time to ask for help if I need it, have time to get feedback from people. I don't know if it will work out like that though as I'm so stressed. |
| For anyone who is interested in what happened with my horrible work situation (see last entry) I reported that guy to my manager on the 11th. She reassured me I had done the right thing and said she would take my concerns to the area manager and they would decide together what to do next. She said it might just be that the man in question needs further training. On Friday I received a general text message to say that emergency training has been scheduled for the staff and I am wondering if this has something to do with my whistle-blowing. I'm not sure. Anyway, for now I can feel relief that I've done the right thing. I think my manager will take it seriously and take appropriate action to ensure a service-user is safe. If not then I will not hesitate to report my concerns to the local safeguarding team (an independent body). But I seriously hope it doesn't come to that. In other news I am getting nervous as I will soon be taking my first test for my psychology course. I just took a practise test, having not done any revision, and scored 10/15. I am going to revise, take the practise test again, and then take the test for real either tonight or tomorrow. Scary! I am enjoying my course but I feel like I am struggling with it quite a bit. I think my high stress levels are impacting on my concentration and I can't always process what I'm reading. But so far I have studied Social Psychology, where I learned about social perception, social communication, attitudes, group behaviour and prejudice; Cognitive Psychology, where I learned about cognitive perception, memory, problem-solving and learning; and then half of Individual Differences in Psychology, where I have learned about intelligence. I definitely need to revise it all though! Anyway, once I have the first test out the way, I seriously need to start thinking about and working on my essay. That's even scarier than doing the test! Edit: Hmmmmm.... revision has been going very slowly! I'm thinking I might not be able to take the test tomorrow! And I won't be able to take it on Tuesday as that is an incredibly busy day. I think I will aim to take it on Wednesday. If that doesn't happen the next opportunity I will have is Friday, seeing as Thursday is a busy day too. So I aim to take the test by Friday night at the latest but I'm hoping I will be able to do it on Wednesday! |
| All through my training we have been told if we witness/suspect abuse, we must report it. And we were also told, "if you're not sure, report it anyway" and "if it doesn't feel right, report it". I'm just a month into the job and suddenly in a situation where I have to report something. It isn't something I directly witnessed but it is certainly something that feels wrong to me. I won't go into detail but just to be clear, it isn't a situation where I feel someone is in need of immediate protection, otherwise I wouldn't have hesitated to report it straight away. It isn't clear-cut at all.So I have been agonising over it since yesterday, thinking to myself, what if I'm wrong? What if I misinterpreted something? What if I am blowing things out of proportion? BUT... What if I'm right? And that's the most important question really, isn't it, what if I'm right? What if I'm right and I do nothing? And that's why I have to report it, despite sitting here in tears and feeling sick with anxiety at the thought of doing just that. So tomorrow I have to find some courage from somewhere and speak up... And I will... Because if I don't and then something happens... How could I live with myself... ? I think life would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't care about anyone or anything. Instead it is is exceptionally hard because I care too much! I pride myself on being a person with integrity. And I think this might just be the biggest test of my integrity that I have ever had to face. I know I am doing the right thing. But why does the right thing have to be so damn terrifying? |
I only have one work shift this week because the rest of my hours have been swallowed up by training courses. Yep, I have training every day, apart from tomorrow. That's not fun! Today I had a more thorough induction to the company and also did a course on Professionalism. On Wednesday I have training on the Mental Capacity Act and Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards, which should hopefully be more interesting. Unfortunately the trainer is pretty crap. When I did my last bout of training we had three different trainers and two of them were great, but the other one was not. And of course we have the terrible one all this week!  When I got home I walked Jade, studied some Dutch and then studied some psychology. I had gotten into a good routine with my psychology course but then I had the breakdown last Tuesday (and another one on Friday) and studying fell by the wayside again. Hopefully I am picking back up with it now though as I really need to get a move on. I am anxious to get the first test out the way and I can't do that until I have studied the material! I feel like I am making good progress with the Dutch and I have reached the halfway point with the "Give It 100!" challenge. I am updating my journal every day:
Shame hardly anyone is reading it! Still, it will be a nice record for me to have of this journey into a foreign language. But one thing I want to share from it is that I have written my first Dutch poem! It is completely awful but then I am a novice, so I don't think it is a bad attempt. Anyway, here it is from: "Invalid Entry" : De huwelijk is moelijk, want zij heeft duizenden muizen, en hij heeft te veel broeken en boeken! Please go easy on me if you speak Dutch! And the translation is: The marriage is difficult because she has thousands of mice, and he has too many trousers and books!  So there you go. Moving on... actually moving back... when I was in training today I found out the company are offering several short, distance-learning courses and one of them in particular caught my eye: Mental Health Awareness. Regarding my future career and the path I am taking to get there, I think this course would look brilliant on my CV and be extremely helpful. Of course it is utter madness to consider doing it on top of the job, the Dutch and my psychology course, but I am utterly mad! I am going to find out how intensive it is etc before I commit to it, but I really want to do it! Crazy, I know! |
| Yesterday at work was so, so tough. I went in early to sort out my rota for next week as they had put me down for my regular 22 hours per week on top of 17 hours of training. And on two days they had me down for training 10-4 and then work 4-9. That's just crazy! Anyway, after that got sorted out my team leader suddenly sprung it on me that I was going out by myself with a service-user to complete various errands. While I have been alone with him in the house, I have not been out to do errands with him by myself and to suddenly be facing that was overwhelming. What made it worse was that my team leader gave me a list of things we needed to buy and do but had not given me any clear instructions. For example, we needed to go to the hairdressers but she hadn't said which one, and when I asked she gave me vague instructions. I wasn't convinced I would be able to find it and so I got panicky thinking I'd be out and about, completely responsible for someone with autism and a learning disability, and not know how to get us to the places we need to go to! I started crying and my team leader and another colleague said I didn't have to do it. But this made things worse because the service-user was ready to go and I didn't want him to get anxious about the change of plan. Also, I need to be able to go out alone with service-users otherwise I will lose this job. So I found some courage from somewhere and said I would do it, but that I couldn't go to get the bread and milk because I wasn't clear how to walk to the supermarket from the hairdressers and shopping centre. My team leader was worried and clearly didn't want me to go because she wasn't sure I was capable of it, but I managed to convince her. I knew I had to do it. If I hadn't done it I would never be able to as my anxiety would just rise and rise. I'm the first to admit I have many, many faults, but cowardice isn't one of them! I almost always face up to the things that scare me. So we went out... and it was absolutely fine. The service-user was relaxed and chatty in my company. I felt tense until we found the hairdressers and then I was okay. After that we went to the shopping centre and made a purchase and then we returned home. I kept him safe. I supported him to do his various errands. I talked with him. And it was great! When we got back to his house I felt the tension completely leave me body! I'm so glad I did it because if I had given into my anxiety I would be beating myself up right now. And I would probably be needing to try and convince my employer that it is worth keeping me on. But now I've proved I can do lone work and I've shown that I am progressing, albeit slowly. But they are aware of my anxiety issues and I suppose one adjustment they are going to have to make is to go at my pace. I know I could be amazing at this job if I could just manage my anxiety a bit better. I am doing great with one particular service-user and I feel I treat him with more respect and work harder to empower him than my experienced colleagues do. That's because I genuinely care and it is always in my mind that my job is to support and empower the service-users. I am having a harder time with the other person I am supporting because he makes me nervous and we haven't made much progress in our relationship since he waved at me. When I attempt to get him to do something, such as leave his room for dinner, he ignores me. But I'm only just starting to work with him more so it is early days and I know he needs to get used to me. And I need to get used to him! It's a tough job and I know I need to get better at some aspects of it. But for someone who has bad anxiety and also communication problems, who hasn't had a paid job in ten years because of mental health problems, I think I am doing well... brilliantly, in fact. It may not seem that way to my employer but they do not know what I have been like over the last few years and what I have faced since I graduated in 2009. If they knew how I had battled to get to this point then I think they would be more impressed with my performance and progress. Maybe I should tell them! |
| Urgh, I've had a hell of day! One thing that has been going on for me recently that I haven't blogged about is that I have had a problem with a painful tooth for ages now. I have been back and forth to the dentist so many times but they can't figure out what is wrong with it. In the end my dentist decided to refer me to the Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery department at the hospital to see if they could help me. I had an appointment there last month and the doctor decided to do some blood tests and review things in four weeks. Today was my follow-up appointment and my blood tests were all normal. I had an x-ray too (yet again) and nothing showed up on it (yet again). The doctor started questioning me about my childhood, asking me if school had been okay and if I had been bullied, or if anything traumatic had happened to me. My heart sank because yet again my physical problems are being attributed to my mental health. I was evasive because I don't think my past has anything to do with my toothache! She wanted to prescribe me amitriptyline but I told her I won't take it as I have tried it many times before and it does nothing. When I told her my GP prescribed it for stomach pain she asked if my doctor refers me to lots of specialists. I knew just what she was getting at... that I am a patient with Medically Unexplained Symptoms , which, according to the linked website is:repeated medical help-seeking for multiple medical symptoms without organic disease - physical symptoms for which no clear or consistent organic pathology can be demonstrated. These use a variety of criteria, but all include patient self-ratings of the presence of symptoms. People with MUS tend to get referred to lots of different specialist clinicians. My GP doesn't refer me to lots of places though. I got referred to a specialist over something else but that was a straight-forward thing, at least at first. There was a visible problem that my GP diagnosed and when it didn't go away, I got referred elsewhere. It was medically explained! Now I suppose I am getting some medically unexplained symptoms when it comes to my stomach but I haven't been referred anywhere. I'm just having to learn to live with it. Anyway, the doctor ended up getting a senior doctor and he reviewed the x-rays and examined my mouth and teeth. He agrees the x-rays show nothing but he feels the findings of his exam indicate that I might need root canal treatment and therefore I should be referred back to my dentist for further investigation. I was confused because if no infection is showing on the x-ray, why would they do a root canal? His explanation didn't really help me to understand that and I ended up leaving feeling very upset. I am sick of breaking down emotionally in public. It is so humiliating and I have done it so often recently. I sat in the waiting room and just cried and cried! Two nurses came to help me and they were so nice. After a short while I left but I was still so upset and I only made it to the stairs, where I ended up just sitting down and crying again.  This time a lovely radiology assistant helped me and she took me back to the two nurses who spent even more time with me, trying to understand why I was so upset. One of them ended up going to speak to the doctor for me to clarify everything. I am so grateful to people like that, who are not phased by an emotional breakdown! And who genuinely care about people.What it is though is being dragged down by months and months of pain and repeatedly going to the dentist to be told over and over again, "nothing is wrong; come back if it doesn't get better." Then I get referred elsewhere and feel hopeful they will get to the bottom of it only to be referred back to the dentist with no definite answers. It is not clear if I need root canal treatment and I am absolutely terrified they will do it and it will turn out to be unnecessary, and I'll still be in pain. So yeah, it has been a tough day and then I had to work this evening, which was also emotionally traumatic! But I think I'll save that for another blog entry. |
| I could blog about my truly horrendous day and how I humiliated myself YET AGAIN in front of people thanks to my anxiety, and how I had to call in sick to work because I was having an anxiety attack, and how I called and asked my GP for more lorazepam, even though I have loads (have an impressive stash of those now! ) But I won't go in to all that. Tonight I have been attempting to distract myself by compiling a list of books I've bought with the Ā£200 National Book Token I won back in November. So here it is: 1. Under the Skin by Michel Faber -- Faber has been bumped up to "favourite author" so now joins Kazuo Ishiguro, John Steinbeck, Ken Kesey, JK Rowling and Philip Pullman  I would highly recommend two of his novels in particular, The Crimson Petal and the White and The Book of Strange New Things. I thought Under the Skin was excellent too, but I didn't love it like I did those two.2. The Naughtiest Girl Collection by Enid Blyton -- I adored these as a child and still love them now! I had a secondhand copy of the first book, but was happy to get a 3-in-1 collection with my voucher. 3. Very British Problems by Rob Temple -- I got this as a Christmas present for my sister, though may end up getting myself a copy because it looks very funny. 4. The Good Study Guide by Andrew Northedge -- I bought this to help me with my psychology course and it has proved very useful. 5. Miss Chopsticks by Xinran -- I got this for my mum for Christmas. She loves this writer. I haven't read anything by her yet but am sure I will at some point. 6. Forgotten Voices of the Holocaust by Lyn Smith -- Another Christmas present for my mum! 7. The Help by Kathryn Stockett -- Yet another Christmas for my mum! 8. The Wolves of Midwinter by Anne Rice -- A Christmas present for Mark. 9. Elizabeth is Missing by Emma Healey -- I thought this was incredibly original and would definitely recommend it. 10 The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton -- I started this but couldn't get into it. I will try it again at some point though because I never give up on a book! 11. The Bees by Laline Paull -- I am looking forward to reading this one. 12. Scrabble Dictionary -- Mark and I love playing scrabble so it was about time I invested in one of these! 13. Chavs: The Demonization of the Working Class by Owen Jones -- I am reading this at the moment and think it is brilliant, though it is absolutely shocking too and keeps making me want to start a riot or something! 14. The Way of the Panda: The Curious History of China's Political Animal by Henry Nicholls -- I got this from the library some time ago and enjoyed it so much I wanted my own copy. I will read it again soon. 15. Stoner by John Williams -- This sounds great and I am looking forward to reading it. 16. An Astronaut's Guide to Life on Earth by Chris Hadfield -- I thought this looks interesting! 17. The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro -- I bought this today as it only came out today. Ishiguro is one of my favourite authors and this is his first novel in TEN years so I am very excited about it! I just read the first chapter a short while ago. Not bad! And I still have Ā£67.15 left to spend. Anyone read any of these? Interested in reading any of them?I wish I wasn't losing the plot right now. Perhaps I should find another plot in one of my many books?! Haha, that was a stupid joke. I'm seriously falling apart though and it is scary. I can't believe I called in sick to work... I can't let that happen again. |
| I am so sad today because of a comment from my GP that made me feel awful. He said I need to start getting out of the "patient role, the sick role", especially as I am now working in a job caring for other people. It felt like a slap in the face from someone I would least expect to slap me in the face! I don't know for sure what he meant by it but it has upset me a lot. He is usually so nice and supportive of me so I don't think he intended anything mean or harsh by it. He doesn't always articulate himself well so it could have just come out wrong. I'm sure he only had good intentions when he said it and would be upset now if he knew the comment had made me feel this crap. But I found it offensive for two reasons. One, I'm in the "sick role" because I am sick. Healthy people don't think about suicide most days and plan how they are going to kill themselves. Healthy people don't lay in bed, unable to get up because they are paralysed with despair. And healthy people don't tend to spend their whole life battling against constant anxiety. And I am in the "patient role" because I am his patient and he keeps saying he wants to review me regularly! He is the one keeping me in the patient role and it's a double-edged sword really, because I want his help and he is usually wonderful at supporting me, but I have gotten to where I feel very dependent on him. But anyway, what he said makes me worry that he thinks I am not doing enough to get better, or that I am too dependent on him, or that I am wasting his time. Or all three. I wish I had asked him to clarify it. And this comment could not have come at a worse time because I have been feeling so sensitive and anxious recently about the fact that I am so dependent on other people. I realised recently that my mental health problems have destroyed my independence and I now need support in almost every area of my life. I have a study mentor to help me with my psychology course and I will soon (hopefully) be getting support from the employment service to retain my job. I think my employer is probably going to have to make some adjustments for me if I am to continue doing this job. My GP supports me on a regular basis to... well, keep me alive basically! I'm attending a support group for people with Asperger Syndrome and mental health problems, and I will be getting follow-up appointments with my eating disorder therapist. And when I finally get allocated a new care coordinator, I will possibly get some form of support from them too. Phew! It's humiliating. I hate that whenever anything goes wrong or I feel like I'm struggling with something my first thought is, āwho can help me?ā I used to be independent but now I rely on others all the time, to the point where I panic if I feel any support is being withdrawn. I mean, I am not coping well with my therapy ending, my care coordinator leaving and now my GP is going to be away for three weeks -- I am worried. Why has it gotten to this point, where I can't cope without the help of other people? I am sick of it. But don't get me wrong, I am hugely grateful for all the support I do get. I just feel absolutely mortified that I need so much of it to function these days. Is it possible to regain independence? I'm not sure. Oh, and sorry if there are any errors in this entry, or weirdness! I have taken a lorazepam tablet tonight for my anxiety and it makes me feel drowsy and my thoughts sluggish. |
| It is past 2am and I haven't slept. I have to be in work at 8am. Today I have been stressed, headachey and irritable. But I have managed to study. I feel ill. Like I always seem to these days... I have eaten what I consider to be too much. I want to weigh six stone again, even though I know I looked (and felt) ill when I was that weight. What a difference four or five pounds makes! I think I am in self-destruct mode -- I am trying to restrict my food intake again, I am not going to bed despite feeling exhausted, I am pushing myself too hard with everything, I am being irritable with the people I love. I reach out for help and get told, "try to distract yourself" or "take a bath". I do not want to have to constantly distract myself. And I don't like baths! (Showers are much better for the environment!) I want to cope with everything so I can live my life. Distraction can only work for so long. Distraction does not help me solve my problems. Distraction does not help me learn to cope with life so I can live it without needing to find distractions so I don't kill myself! Does that even make sense?! Distraction is a short-term solution and I am in need of long-term solutions right now otherwise I am going to lose my job and/or fail my course. In regards to the job I feel like my options are do or die. I don't know if I can retain this job but I do know I cannot go back to being unemployed. If I lose the job, I will have to kill myself. I can't BEAR the thought of having to go back to giving the answer "nothing" to the question "what do you do?" Okay, so I didn't ever say that! But the answers "I do voluntary work" or "I'm unemployed" made me feel just as humiliated as I would have felt if I had answered that question with "nothing". I'm a mess right now! And I don't know how I am going to get through a seven hour shift on less than fours hours of sleep when I am feeling this distressed, depressed and anxious. And all this because someone said... "you're getting big" (see the last entry if that doesn't make sense!) Okay, so it's not just because of that! But that was kind of the last straw... Urgh, I need to shut up now! |
| ...why it is acceptable to comment on other people's weight, body shape and eating habits. I absolutely hate this world. Ever since I've started my job I've had comments about my size and eating habits. Unless I ask, "what do you think of my body?" nobody should comment on it! And unless I ask, "what do you think of my diet?" nobody should comment on it! Today my colleague said, "you're getting big" and then added, "I don't feel so bad now" and patted her stomach. What? I mean, what?! I've put on a pound at most since she last saw me so I am extremely confused. I am starting to think my scales are broken and maybe I have put on more than I thought... Before this both my colleagues have commented on how slim I am. Can I really have put on that much weight in such a short space of time? Was she joking? Or is a small amount of weight gain really noticeable on me? Maybe I only have to put on a few pounds to look huge... And why has this comment come THREE days after my eating disorder therapy ended? What is a good weight for someone who is five feet tall and small boned? If my scales are correct right now then I am about 40-41kg. Is that too big? My thighs measure about 17-18 inches all the way around -- is that too big? I absolutely LOATHE my thighs. Sometimes I think I could do something drastic and try and cut the fat off them myself. No matter how much I exercise and restrict my food, my thighs stay the same. I want to get liposuction or something like that but how can I afford it if I end up having to pay out for braces? What do I fix -- the gap in my teeth that causes me physical problems and makes me want to die, or my huge thighs that cause me mental distress and also make me want to die? I think it's time to cut out junk food again... Or maybe it's time to just cut out eating altogether? |
| Prompt from Blog City: What items do you put on your walls? Posters, pictures? I am curious. I have pictures on my walls. As I live with my family, all my pictures are in my bedroom. On the wall above my bed I have a triptych of poppies, which are on canvas. I love them! Then on the wall next to my bed and opposite the window I have two pictures in black frames. One of them is a cartoon line-drawing. I actually cut this out of a calendar I had one year! It has a picture of a cat looking at a bottle top and a thought bubble coming from the cat says "so - the diet cola cap returns to challenge the master!" The picture is labelled "Cat Kung Fu". I just love the humour and also the quirkiness of it! The second picture on this wall is a Scraper Foil picture of pandas that Mark made for me as an anniversary present. I absolutely ADORE it! That is one of the nicest presents I have ever received and I will always cherish it. I normally have another picture on my wall too, but I had to move it when I got new furniture and I haven't found a new place for it yet. That one is a framed photo of my dogs, Jade and Sophie. Sadly Sophie died in 2009. The photo is absolutely gorgeous and shows both dogs side-by-side and looking at the camera. Jade is sitting and Sophie is standing. Both have their ears up and look interested and alert. I need to put that back up on the wall soon! The last thing I have displayed on my wall is a calendar. This year I got a bird-themed one. Last year I had wolves! I like to get something different every year. So that's what I have on my walls! I actually love my bedroom. It looks amazing!  I took lorazepam last night as I was feeling anxious and I wanted to be able to sleep. I took 0.5mg and it has totally wiped me out! I hope it wears off soon otherwise I might have to get a taxi to work rather than driving and I don't want to do that! I really don't want to work today. I keep telling myself it's only six hours, but that feels like a long time. I want to stay at home and study. I think it is ridiculous that I can't study at work when the service-users are doing their own thing. I might check this with the manager at some point. What difference does it make if I am sat on the sofa staring blankly at the TV while the service-user watches a programme I can't stand, or sat on the sofa reading a book? What bugs me is that my colleagues are constantly on their phones and I would be willing to bet that they are not always using them for work-related purposes. Grrrrrrr. I feel tired and moody today. Lorazepam does that to me! I probably shouldn't take it but sometimes I just want to be able to sleep. I don't feel that I am coping with life right now. |
| When I got to work today the service-user I have spent the most time with let me in with his usual, cheerful "hello, how are you?" and the other service-user was downstairs too. He is almost completely non-verbal and so far has not responded to me at all whenever I have spoken to him. The only times he has acknowledged my existence is when my colleague asks him, "who's that?" and points at me and he says my name. He has been much harder to get to know and feel comfortable around than the other guy and I feel pretty anxious in his presence. I've never really interacted with someone with his difficulties before and I feel waaaaaaay outside of my comfort zone! But I've been pushing myself to talk to him, even though it would be very easy to just ignore him. I could never do that though, no matter how awkward I feel. But today! I went in and said hello to him as I usually do when I see him, and today he waved at me! I can't tell you how happy that made me! I see it is a sign that he is getting more used to me and more comfortable around me. It kind of feels as if he has finally accepted me into his home and that feels amazing. Hopefully this is something we can build on and I can get to where I feel relaxed around him and maybe he can get to where he can communicate with me to a certain extent, as he does with the staff he has known longer.But that just instantly put me in a good mood and I went up to the office to tell my team leader about it. She is normally pretty cold and expressionless but I think my delight was infectious because she kind of lit up and asked what had happened exactly, and then said, "that must have made you so happy!" I don't know if this seems absurd to anyone reading this, that someone waving at me could make me feel so excited, but it's because I feel I have made a connection with someone who lives in their own world about 95% of the time. That's special. And I think it's moments like this that are going to make this job worthwhile. I was only in work for three hours, which was a good thing as I'd only had about two hours sleep! But afterwards I went to the Asperger Syndrome support group anyway. It was better than last week but I am struggling with it. I just can't talk in a group! I did manage to speak out to correct one of the group leaders though, after he'd written up on the board the triad of impairments that underpins Autism Spectrum Conditions. He wrote one of them as "low imagination" but that is incorrect and insulting to someone like me, who is highly imaginative and creative! It should be "social imagination" and there is a distinct difference between social imagination and imagination in general. Many people on the spectrum have strong imagination skills. I'm hoping he will go away and read up on it. I was shaking when I spoke up about it but I had to say it. It is so important to me that people do not believe the common misconceptions around autism. And there are so many, including the main one purported by the media that people on the spectrum lack empathy. I think pretty much every article about autism or that mentions someone with autism that I have read in national newspapers says something like this, "autism is a disorder characterised by lack of empathy". No, just no! It is much more complicated than that. And many people on the spectrum are capable of feeling and even expressing empathy. I think that's a subject that deserves it own entry some time though. But it is annoying that the media can make such sweeping generalisations and that others will read those and believe people on the spectrum can't feel empathy. It makes a whole group of people seem like emotionless monsters. Forgive me for getting all intense there! It's a subject I feel passionate about, not only because I have Asperger Syndrome myself but also because of the people on the spectrum I have met online, through the social group I attended a few times, through the support group I am attending now, through my work with the RDA and now also through my job. So even when I am highly anxious, and terrified to speak out, I will on this subject if it means I can help someone to understand autism a little better. I'm by no means an expert but I do know something about it and I never forget that everyone on the spectrum is an individual, affected by the condition in a unique way. Sometimes professionals forget that, I think, and they are expecting everyone with autism to be like the descriptions in text books. If I ever do become a clinical psychologist I will always make an effort to ensure that the literature informs my practice but doesn't dictate the way I work. The individuals are more important than the research and theories etc! And now I think I'll shut up! |
| I am so stressed I could cry. My sleep has gotten ridiculous since I started working and I am beyond exhausted. Last night I had about four hours and then I had to get up for my last proper therapy session. After that I came home and tried napping before work but I just couldn't sleep. And now it's almost 3am and I can't sleep. I have to be in work at 9am, which means I need to get up at 8am at the latest. Thankfully I am only in for three hours though and then I have two and a half hours before I attempt the high-functioning autism support group again. I definitely want to give it another go! Hopefully I will be able to nap after that and I think I have Wednesday off so it doesn't matter so much if I can't sleep tomorrow night. I wish I could rest on Wednesday but I need to study. My last therapy appointment was okay. It could have been emotional but I went to it in a rather detached state because I can't cope with it ending right now. My therapist was happy with the letter I wrote and appreciated my honesty. She spent some time trying to address the concerns I raised. She wrote me a seriously lovely goodbye letter. It would have made me cry if I liked her better! In a way it is a good thing that I never warmed to her because it is making leaving that little bit easier. It's only hard because I don't cope well with change and I freak out when I feel support is being withdrawn (I hate how dependent I have become on others, but I'll save that for another entry). So how am I coping with my eating disorder therapy coming to an end? By restricting my food intake, of course! I hate myself! What a waste of time! Twenty sessions later and I am circling back round to square one. I reckon I'll be squarely back at square one by the time I attend my follow-up appointment on March 23rd. If I attend it...But it's not just therapy ending that is making me feel like I am spiralling out of control. It is everything. Work, study, my care coordinator leaving, life in general. And I am resorting to my old, destructive coping mechanisms -- not eating properly, washing my hands too often, spending way too much time in my own head. I consider myself a smart person but even though I can see I am hurting myself and making life harder for myself, I can't stop. Why can't I cope with life? I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. I never did fit in and everything has always felt like a battle. And I mean everything! I am so, so tired of living in a constant state of panic. But what can I do about it? I'll get up tomorrow and I'll struggle through work. I won't eat much, but anything I do eat will be junk food. I'll wash my hands too much and make the skin even more dry and sore. I'll go to the group and feel annoyed at the stupidity of the things the other people say (yeah, I think I'm a bitch). I'll come home. I'll sleep... or try to. I'll study... or try to. I'll feel anxious and depressed and hungry and scared and exhausted. I'll probably cry. I'll think about how much I want to die and get even more depressed at my lack of courage to end everything. Then I'll go to bed, wake up and do it all over again, or some version of it, every day, probably for the next 72 years, because let's face it, I'm making it to 100! Life's cruel like that!  |
| I've studied so hard tonight my brain hurts! But it was worth it because I'm very nearly through with the Social Psychology module. I am hoping to have completely finished it by Monday. I am about four weeks behind the suggested schedule, which feels rather scary. Social Psychology should have taken two weeks to work through but it has taken me almost six. In a way I think it is understandable though because of starting my new job. That has been hugely challenging physically, mentally and emotionally and most of my energy has gone into dealing with all that. Therefore I haven't been able to study as much as I would like and when I have managed to get some done, I haven't been able to concentrate or work as quickly as I would like. But I'm hoping today is a sign that I can turn things around. If I work super hard on my days off, and try to do small amounts on the days I am in work, I should be able to catch up. Fingers crossed anyway! I've had a look at the essay titles for the course and they are terrifying! There is one for each module, but I only have to choose one. The Social Psychology essay topic seems rather vague so I think I will give that one a miss! The Biological Psychology one seems quite interesting and might be the way to go seeing as I have a biology-related degree -- maybe that will be of some use! But I'm not sure -- I'll see how I feel when I have tackled the other topics. I just updated my bioblock to reflect the new me! I'm not just an Animal Biology and Conservation graduate anymore, I'm also a psychology student and Support Worker. I wonder how I come across to other people, and particularly employers, when they learn about my work history. Before university I volunteered at the RSPCA, worked in a women's clothes shop and then worked at a theme park. Next I did a degree in Animal Biology and Conservation. After graduating I had a huge gap where I did nothing (thanks, mental illness ) before doing voluntary work in the environmental sector. Then I volunteered with the Riding for the Disabled Association and became a voluntary environmental education assistant. Now I'm studying psychology and have a job as a support worker. Do I seem like a well-rounded person with varied interests and a willingness to try different things, or a completely scatty person who can't figure out what they want in life and can't seem to stick at one particular thing? I don't know! But whichever it is, I think I stand out from the crowd!One of the things that I feel has contributed to my poor mental health over the years is feeling like I do not have an identity. We seem to define people through their occupations and the question, "what do you do?" tends to be the first thing we ask somebody new after asking their name! Now I'm a support worker and a psychology student. Is this my new identity? Am I so stressed at the moment because I am struggling to adjust to finally having a positive identity again, and also trying to come to terms with the fact that this new identity is nothing like the identities I feel I had in the past? And how does it fit in with my identity as someone with mental health problems? Can they merge or will one have to triumph over the other? I suppose only time will tell! Wow, I'm in a reflective mood tonight! Must be all that psychology reading! |
| I'm not having the best day! Work had some challenges, but I don't feel like going into that right now. My appointment with my psychiatrist was... weird. He gives me the creeps. He said and did several things during our meeting that made me feel uncomfortable. Thing is, they are all things he could explain away or say I had misinterpreted. This is one of the many reasons it sucks to be diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and mental health problems. If anything ever happened where it was my word against someone like a doctor, who would believe me? I'm not going to report him because nothing serious happened, it was just weird, but if I did report him I'm sure he would just say something like, "oh, she has Asperger Syndrome, she can't read people. She misunderstood me". It's bullshit! I actually can read people. I understand body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. Perhaps I can't always understand these things instinctively, but I do understand them and because I work so hard at social situations, I don't tend to get things wrong. Anyway, here's what he did. He complimented my legs! I can't remember exactly what he said but it felt inappropriate. I had said that I don't think I'm fat but that I am unhappy with my legs, especially my thighs, and that's when he commented on them. He asked me about my relationships and sex life! I have been asked about these things before by professionals, so I know it isn't totally abnormal, but he seemed too interested and asked too many questions. I wish I hadn't answered. I sometimes forget it is my right to talk about and not talk about whatever I want in these appointments. I think being labelled difficult and resistant in the past has made me anxious to be open all the time, even when it makes me uncomfortable. He asked me YET again if I have ever been sexually abused! He asks me that in every appointment and I don't know why he doesn't accept my answer. When I say no he often says, "are you sure?" I was sure but he is now the second person to press me a lot on this subject so I am no longer sure. It's dangerous to keep questioning someone in that manner on a subject like that. He should accept my answer and stop going on about it. He is making me doubt myself. He told me I look nice and much better when I smile and laugh! Okay, so I have been told that before by lots of people, including my headteacher when I was at school, but it's the way he said it that felt wrong and the way he looked at me. He touched my face! We talked about my teeth obsession and he wanted to look at my teeth, which is probably weird enough to deserve its own bullet point! But anyway, he came much too close and then put his hand on my face. It seemed like he was maybe trying to get a better view of my teeth, but it wasn't necessary to touch me.Anyway, sorry to go into all that but I feel the need to talk about it as I felt a bit disturbed. He didn't book me in for another appointment thankfully so hopefully it will be a while before I have to see him again. And hopefully by then I will have a new care coordinator who will be able to attend any appointments with me. Maybe I did just misinterpret things but I don't think so somehow. I get a bad vibe from him and I don't often feel like that about people. I am going to trust my instincts about him and be on my guard in his presence. |
| Work was slightly better this evening. I prefer the colleague I was working with tonight over my team leader, so that made things a bit easier. And I tried to slow down with my tasks so I could keep busy. I loathe ironing though. I never iron at home. Honestly, it's so unnecessary and I have better things to do! If you just (violently) wave/snap/shake the clothes after getting them out of the washing machine, hang them to dry, and then fold them carefully or hang them up when dry, ironing isn't necessary. My clothes never look especially creased and any small creases soon fall out when I wear the clothes. Apparently the mother of one of the service-users is very fussy about ironing and will take her son's away to do herself if it isn't up to her standard. I'm a bit worried that's going to happen because my ironing skills are terrible! But like I said, I have better things to do than worry about creased clothing. And bed linen! They iron the damn bed linen! That's madness! But I suppose it passes the time. I burned my hand on the iron this evening though and now have small blister. It hurt so much! Yeah, I definitely can't do this job forever because I refuse to iron for the rest of my life! But enough about that. I just wrote this in "Invalid Item" but I want to share it here too to show off the progress I've made!Hallo, mijn naam is Jess en ik spreek Nederlands, want ik grebruik Duolingo. Ik woon in Engeland en spreek Engels. Ik woon in een stad met mijn hond, Jade. Zij is een oude hond en haar kleur is zwart. Ik hou van mijn hond! Ik schrijf, en ik lees boeken, en ik werk, en ik studeer (een beetje!) Ik ben vegetariƫr, want ik hou van dieren. Ik ben klein, creatief en gek! Yay! I wrote a paragraph! I had to use google translate a teensy bit so I don't know how fluent or accurate the above is but hopefully there are no catastrophic errors and hopefully Dutch speakers can understand it! I really should let my Dutch friend know I am learning her native language because she might be willing to help me out with stuff like this and make corrections! Anyway, the above says: Hello, my name is Jess and I speak Dutch because I use Duolingo. I live in England and speak English. I live in a city with my dog, Jade, She is an old dog and her colour is black. I love my dog! I write, and I read books, and I work, and I study (a bit!) I am vegetarian because I love animals. I am small, creative and crazy! Hahaha! I think I'm doing pretty good! I'll be reading Anne Frank's diary in Dutch in no time... or maybe not! I'm so tired, and pretty down, despite being quite upbeat in this entry! I saw my GP today because I wanted to tell him I'm struggling a bit, but I ended up being upbeat in the appointment too so he didn't get a good sense of how I am truly feeling right now. I don't know why I do that! But I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to tell him. In other news my old advisor from the employment service responded to my email and said he is willing to support me through their "retain service". I just need to fill in a self-referral form. So yay! Hopefully I will now get some much needed support and help with my job. Fingers crossed! |
So... the service-users I am helping to support need help with their cooking. Both eat meat. I'm vegetarian and have been since I was seven years old. This is the dilemma: I may have to cook meat!  I've told my colleagues I've never cooked it before but my team leader still seemed to think that's not a problem as she can teach me. It didn't seem to cross her mind that an almost lifelong vegetarian may not want to learn to cook meat! I don't know if I can do it and I don't know if that's going to be a problem. I know one of the service-users sometimes has meat-free dinners, but the other one always seems to eat it in his meals so I don't know if it's possible for me to cook meat-free dinners when it is my turn. I don't know how to broach this subject and I am very worried they will think I am being difficult if I say I can't do it. But I can't bear the thought of cooking sizzling, greasy sausages. Urgh. I don't know what to do. Some parts of the job are really good, some parts are awful, but most parts are boring. The boredom is so, so hard to deal with. I asked my team leader today if it's okay to take a book or some studying or something, just for when the service-users are doing their own thing like watching television, but she said no. Seems stupid to me. One of them spends his whole time alone in his room and the other watches TV all evening. Why can't I just sit in the same room as him and read when he is watching TV? I'd immediately give my full attention if either of the service-users needed anything or just wanted to chat or do something that required support. Instead I just have to sit there, bored out of my mind and time draaaaaaags. I am going to look for another job. I plan to do this one for at least six months if I possibly can but I know I can't do it forever, so I will keep an eye out for something else. I don't know what! But this isn't for me and I get frustrated. When I am there I feel like I am going insane, but it's a long, drawn-out process! I feel like one of the service-users in particular could have a much more fulfilling life but the other staff are kind of lazy and don't support him as much as they could. They don't do activities with him and so he just watches television. And a lot of the time they ignore him when he talks to them. That bothers me. I never ignore him and I never will, no matter how exhausted I get from his constant chatter! It's hard to keep talking and being upbeat and I find it incredibly draining, but I could never just sit there and blank him if he said something to me. Maybe when I have been in the job longer I will be able to suggest some changes. But I don't want to be in it too long! Though it will break my heart to leave, I already know that! Then again, if I can get funding from my employer to do an NVQ in Social Care it may be worth me staying on longer. I shall see! I definitely don't want to leave without another job to go to. I am desperately trying to keep this job, despite the lack of support from services that said they would support me. Today I emailed the employment service I used to go back in 2011-2012 to ask if they can help me. Hopefully I'll get a prompt response! Life is hard right now and I am feeling pretty down and incredibly anxious. I am battling to keep things together but I'm terrified it's all going to fall apart anyway... |
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