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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| But ugly on the inside... So I've got a myspace account now. Come find me and say HI! http://www.myspace.com/kgirlfae ~~Sarah |
| I have this story that is building at the edge of my mind and I keep trying to get it down into words and it always fails. It is a story of betrayal and the true emotions lying under the surface and my inability to do what it would take to potentially bring some happiness into my life. It is the story of Dorian and Elana (names changed to protect the innocent) and the way I want to use those characters to express the turmoil and desires contained in my head. I had begun the story of Elana on my portfolio before life circumstances forced me to mark it private and seclude my inner desires once again. I want those feelings out. I can feel myself screaming in my head that I want that story told but that I am too scared to tell it. I know it would drive people away and would take what little happiness I've managed to accumulate and throw it to the wind, because no one I know in real life is ever able to separate my fiction from my fact and in this case that would be an accurate way of telling. I'm tired of hurting people, tired of attempting to forge my own way only to have it hurt those around me. I'm sorry but there are only two people I could possibly want to be with right now, and while I'm with one I can't help but wonder about the other, thus the story of Dorian and Elana, the story playing in the theater that is my head. The daydreams and the ponderings and the occasionally actual dream that I wake up from sweating and yet relaxed. My heart screams that I want "Dorian" by my mind screams that it simply isn't allowed. Thus I sit, pencil in hand staring at a blank page in the attempts to start writing again. I want to write of passions and hidden meetings and stolen time. I want action and love and all of those amazingly passionate responses that I get when I read everyone elses writing. The passionate works that I look back and see that I used to be able to write, but that I seem to have lost in the past year. I want to write but my mind simply holds me back. I want this story told but I find myself unable to tell it. I wish I could finally set aside what I see as societal convention and write what is engraved on my heart. But I for some reason cannot bring myself to scribe those words. Dorian and Elana, I apologize for your story must remain untold. ~~Sarah |
| 9) People who complain about not having friends only ever have themselves to blame. 10) I have more friends than I thought I did. Thus, there is no need for me to hold on to those friendships I don't want. |
| 1) You can't take advice from people who don't allow themselves to live. 2) It is entirely possible for someone to become such a great actor that he doesn't know when he's acting and when he's being himself. 3) Actors make horrible friends. 4) "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin hurts, but it's sort of all we have." - Garden State. 5) Sometimes you just have to go with what you believe, and if it turns out to be a mistake, then that's ok. 6) Everyone has something they never share with anyone. Everyone needs something that is private, all to themselves. 7) There is no use attempting to stay friends with someone who has no desire to stay friends with you in return. 8) Sometimes it is simply impossible to convince people that you do in fact care about them. There's more, but I can't think of it all right now. |
| I have this friend, and he knows who he is.... But he's always saying publicly how sick he is of having me around, and then turning around and giving me the links to the journals which say this. Fuck off man, if you are so fucking sick of me, why do you keep emailing me this shit? I was perfectly content to let you happily drift out of my life like you've been trying to do for the past few years. Sorry if I kept taking you out to eat when I can't afford it simply because I know you can't afford it even more. Sorry if I took you out to movies and such for the exact same reason. Sorry if I was trying to keep a friendship going with you because all I ever see from you is bitching and moaning about how no one cares. FUCK YOU. You've been my friend longer than anyone else and I've done my best to show you exactly how much I still care. And all I ever fucking get in return is your not only bitching about me, but then your sending me the links to your little bitchy rants about me. So now I'm very much sorry for trying to stay your friend. I'm sorry for giving you my time. I'm sorry for all of those times when I listened to you, or tried to even get you to start talking. I'm sorry for trying to do what I can to help. And most of all, I'm sorry that you blame me for not being able to help when the real reason I was never able to give you anything was because you never gave me anything to work with. I know now that I never really knew you. and that doesn't make me the least bit sad. Enjoy your life, and if you ever actually want to BE a friend in return, you know how to reach me. I'm sick of one-sided friendships. ~~Sarah |
| So... Dont know if I've mentioned this one to all of you out there in cyber land... Go see Garden State. It will change the way you look at life. That's my thought for the week, more on this later (maybe) ~~Sarah |
| Now I kinda feel a little sacreligious - I was watching Eurotrip the day he died... for those of you who've seen this movie, you'll understand why. That's my thought for this week. ~~Sarah |
| So I thought reading pascal while listening to pearl jam was an interesting combo - well, I beat it today... ready for this?? Orgy and the BIBLE. Yeah. There's a rather odd combo. Stay in school kids! ~~Sarah |
| DON'T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN I TYPE IN THIS JOURNAL. DON'T READ BETWEEN THE LINES - IF I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING, I'LL BLOODY WELL TYPE IT, BUT IF I DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE TO KNOW MORE DETAILS THAN WHAT I PUT HERE, DON'T ASK ME FOR THEM. I KNOW THAT PEOPLE IN MY REAL LIFE READ THIS JOURNAL, SO I'M PROBABLY AWARE OF YOUR OPINION IF I KNOW YOU IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS MY PLACE TO BITCH AND MOAN AND IF YOU DON'T BLOODY WELL GET THAT TOO FUCKING BAD. What I type here is of the moment, and may not last past the point where I hit the "save entry" button. For those of you who didn't piss me off and prompt this post, I'm sorry. but keep it in mind for future reference, k? ~~Sarah |
| Jackson and I spent 5 hours talking tonight. I think we've reached a decent agreement and things will be good on that front now. Thus, now the 2 really chaotic and unfinished things in my life (Jeremy and Jackson), have more or less had closure. Time to figure out the 3 chaotic life situation... Me... I always, always, always move from one relationship to another. Yes, sometimes there are periods as long as 3 months involved between each relationship, but I never end a relationship without someone else in mind to go to once I'm ready to move on. This time is not much different... Of course, there are people who I don't want to have knowing that, but I guess I've simply just stopped caring. For two reasons. 1) As much as I am attracted to this person, I have no interest in a serious relationship now and thus will not be persuing any resolution to that attraction (for now). 2) A relationship with him would be rather impossible given current logistics. So I stay single for now. And think. Which is always bad for me, but I do it anyway. Time to go sit in my dark room with a few candles lit and just meditate a good portion of the night away. ~~Sarah _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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