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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| So... yeah... Jackson called. Still havn't talked to him once on my cell phone when he's called. I think it's bad luck or something. So I'm deciding if I call him back, which logically I should, but I'm not sure I'm ready to hear the inevitable "fuck off, how dare you write this to me" speech (which he will put so much better and in longer wording to truely express how much he wants me to fuck off). Ahh, isn't life just so much bloody fun? ~~Sarah |
| I get asked frequently about my lyrics journal. I get asked why I choose certain songs, or why I highlight certain lines. Normally I don't answer these questions, because the lyrics journal is actually the most openly private way of expressing myself that I have. And yes, I know that's an oxymoron. Each line has it's own interpretation, which usually changes day to day. I can still look back on lyrics from two years ago and find them applicable to current situations. But, in honor of my lyrics journal, and to the role it has played in my life so far, I present you with a limited explaination of what some of those lyrics mean to my life right now. This is, of course, what they mean today - not necessarily what they'll mean tomorrow, or what they meant yesterday. So take what you will from this, but maybe it will help explain my mind better. Stabbing Westward - "Torn Apart" - Posted 3-11-03 This set of lyrics will help show that even 2 years later the words hold meaning for me. I will only explain the lines that I feel hold meaning for me. And now there's nothing left to say Well, nothing that you'd believe Right now I have "The Letter" which I sent a week ago, and which I know must have been recieved by now. I have yet to recieve a response (which is not entirely unexpected). This particular line sticks out to me because it expresses both my regret and my belief that no matter what I try to say it will never be enough. I actually think that most people, if they read this in my journal today, would think that I am refering to the relationship that just ended with Jeremy. However, this isn't the case - this line is actually retrospective. I never meant to hurt you with the things I couldn't say This line, however, relates to the current situation with Jeremy. There were so many things that I felt like I couldn't tell him. There still are things that I don't feel like I can't tell him about - "The Letter" for example. I know that this hurt him, and I know that I could potentially have saved him alot of pain if I hadn't kept my feelings hidden for so long. Those are just two lines out of the same song, the same set of lyrics. They actually follow each other in the song: And now there's nothing left to say Well, nothing that you'd believe I never meant to hurt you with the things I couldn't say Which brings up the point that when I choose a song, it doesn't necessarily relate to any one particular topic, or even one chronographical idea. Korn - "Alone I Break" - Posted 5-30-03 This is another song which still speaks to me every time I hear it. BTW - though I mourn the loss of Brian Welch in this band, I commend him for following his calling and his beliefs. Everything occurs for a reason, and I have no doubts that there will be positive results all around from this decision, so long as the band keeps their minds open to change. Back to the lyrics! Now I see the times they change leaving doesn't seems so strange I am hoping I can find where to leave my hurt behind This actually says to me now - "Change is good, remember to embrace it, and let go of the pain". While this seems obvious on the surface, this song recieved quite a bit of comment among those close to me, due to the rest of the lyrics and the overall negative connotation of the song. While yes, sometimes it feels as though the pain won't go away, this is my acknowledgement that eventually it does. Eventually everything changes, and eventually the pain from that change fades as you see the reason your path had to take it's particular route. That's the major one from this song - but it shows that sometimes people read too much into the general tone and less into the lines I highlight. Sometime's it is just a line that sticks out at me, sometime's it is the whole damn song. Pearl Jam - "Thumbing my Way" - Posted 7-16-03 This song is in direct contrast to the previous song. This is a song which acutally conveys an emotion as a whole, not as a particular line. I have not been home since you left long ago Again, a Jackson reference. I can't be free with what's locked inside of me This is a reference to Jeremy, and the secrets I feel I kept from him. Thus, over the past week as I let those secrets out, and talked to him about them, I feel more free, and more myself than I have in years. there's no wrong or right, but I'm sure there's good and bad the questions linger overhead no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead Actually, the Wrong/Right vs. Good/Bad debate is one we're going through in my philosophy of religion class right now. This is my answer to the question, though I'm still working on how to elucidate my answer. Naturally, questions always have the habit of never getting answered. Especially when I'm too impatient to wait on snail-mail. The whole letter thing is getting to me (I'm tempted to start refering to it as "The Letter - OF DOOM!" but I won't, because it seems belittling). Finally, I do believe there is always a springtime ahead, because why live life without hope? all the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives choosing the shiny ones instead I firmly believe that I gave up a relationship that seemed a little tarnished because of the distance and emotional strain involved, to choose the happy shiny one that seemed so easy... and I made the wrong choice. This song is more about the slow pained guitar rifts, and the haunting sound of Eddie Vedder's voice. Thus, the simple act of posting the lyrics in this case isn't quite enough to express how I feel about the song. Alot of times I'll just highlight the one or two lines that really really really stick out, and let the rest just mean something vauge and undefined, but still important. Nine Inch Nails - "The Hand that Feeds" - Posted 3-16-05 The minute I heard this song I knew it HAD to go into my lyrics journal. I am addicted to it and I cannot wait until I can get my hands on the new album. As I said in one of my rare comments before the lyrics "Gawd this CD needs to come out..." got your chin held high and you feel just fine because you do what you're told but inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold This line references the feeling I have that I was almost pushed into the breakup with Jeremy by outside forces. In every way I know it's a good thing that it happened, but I still feel as though I was heavily influenced by others (of course, I asked for that influence, so I can't really complain). The last line reflects my "cold hearted bitch" feeling that I've had for the past week. The feeling that I'm bad for not being more upset about the break up. The feeling that everything is numb and cold inside of me again, which I havn't had for a while. what if this whole crusade's a charade and behind it all there's a price to be paid for the blood on which we dine There is always a price to be paid. ALWAYS. And so you have a slice of my life, represented by other's words, interpreted by me. I don't know if this is useful, but perhaps it will stop the inqueries. If not, it did help me a little. ~~Sarah |
| I find, now that I have no shortage of time in which to journal. And no shortage of topics, either. And, now more than ever, I find myself censoring myself because of my potential readers. I have a small sketchbook, in which I put collages and such as inspiration and another outlet of creative energy (since I've been having difficulty writing much recently). The first page depicts the day I knew my relationship with Jeremy was ending. The last day of febuary. We got into an argument the day before about his not-so-subtle accusations that I might be cheating on him (which I wasn't and I never cheated on him). Then, on the lightrail that morning he said something which I took as yet another accusation (he insisted it wasn't - I'm still not sure). That sparked off a fight. Next thing I knew he was calling me a bitch "I think you're a bitch, OK? a bitch and I hope you DIE". Well, I didn't die right then, but our relationship did. I turned to him, said "Well, that pretty much says it all, doesn't it?" pulled my ring off and handed it to him. He grabbed my backpack, threw it, and walked away. The image of the sobe bottle falling out of the waterbottle pocket and spinning on the ground inspired this: "Invalid Item"  We did our typical cry and makeup, and the countdown to the end began for me. I'll probably always wonder just how serious he was when he said he wished I'd die. Sometimes those things lurk just beneath all the happy thoughts, and you mean them more than you think. "The best way out is always through" - Robert Frost This is the quote on the collage page for that day. I think it sums up what happened in the weeks to follow pretty well. I'm finding less and less that I regret this decision. Now begins the tireless task of recovering my belongings from him, which is a task I lothe to undertake, because I know it will hurt him. Oh how I wish that I didn't care just enough to not want to hurt him. Isn't that always the catch though? You care just enough to not want to hurt, but not quite enough to avoid the pain. I can't live a lie anymore, I can't pretend that I feel something that isn't there (just as I can't hide the emotions I know are actually in my heart). So, yeah. One more tedious journal entry, entertaining the notion that people actually give a fuck about my inner thoughts. Fuck. yeah. So, I'm running out of music (I have 3 stabbing westward albums and the dreaming EP in a playlist and I promised myself that I'd start at the top and sign off when it reached the bottom, without messing with the play order, and I've only got "Sleep" and "Slipping away" to go.) Thus, I sign off, and hope that the letter goes over ok (again, I'm rather sure it won't, but it's too late to take it back now). I'm starting to worry that I'm destined to be this way forever (Goddess, that's so teen-angsty pseudo-emo. My sister is really starting to rub off on me.) "Black... black like the color of my soul" That really doesn't come across as well in type... the tone is so important. Anyway, "Slipping away" and "Sleep"... what an appropriate combo to mark my signing off and going to sleep. teehehe. Sleep depravation is FUN! ~~Sarah _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I'm starting to get nervous about the letter. I'm starting to wonder if I should have sent it. And I said too much today when Jeremy and I tried to talk. Far too much. Why can't the ice just stay where it should? I prefer it now, prefer it to the pain I know lies underneath it. Goddess... I hope the letter goes over well enough... ~sarah |
| First day of school since the breakup. I picked up some headphones over the weekend, which allowed me, for the first time this semester, to listen to my CD player on my way to school. *yay* So there I sat on the lightrail, alone for the first time (well, not really, but alone for the first time because of this...) listening to Pearl Jam's "Ten" and reading Pascal's Pensees. I felt somewhat like the typical "outsider". Kinda fun. The breakup still sucks, but the horror of it is starting to fade. I guess that is a good thing... I'm starting to wonder if "The letter" has arrived yet... I guess it depends on if they transport mail on saturdays too. and if it has arrived I hope I at least get some kind of response. Looking forward to spring break - lots of time to just work and not worry about school. That will be good. And work is... well, work. I hope we manage to pull off the 85% of goal needed to keep our comission. To all of you out there in cyberland - if you need sunglasses, and you live in the denver area, find your closest Sunglass Hut and come buy buy buy. Trust me, we all need the help. And you need the eye protection. (for more info on the necessity of eye protection, email me - you'll be surprised, and I can answer just about any sunglass question you can throw at me) Get to have a massage tomorrow. Once again - luckiest kid on the planet. Hopefully I'll get better about taking care of problems before they become problems. Goddes knows I've got enough stress right now. I don't need my back killing me again. It's not like I have to pay for the massages, just clear enough of my schedule to actually go see mom. Well, that's kinda all for now. See you all next time... ~~Sarah "I, oh, I'm still alive Hey I, oh, I'm still alive Hey I, but, I'm still alive" - Pearl Jam, "Alive" |
| "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone" - Stabbing Westward, "Save yourself" This basically sums up why thinking made me realize i hadn't made a horrible mistake. ~sarah |
| The feeling that i'd made a hideous mistake has gone away. I know why it happened and I understand it. But as a result it's gone away now. Cool. ~~Kgirlfae |
| I'm starting to wonder if I've made a hideous mistake. That's not a good feeling to be having right now. Shit. ~~Kgirlfae |
| Picked up a few CD's today. Got the Howie day CD - it's pretty good. The acoustic version of "Collide" is far better than the studio one - naturally. Perfect break-up music too. Speaking of the breakup... I guess I'm handling it better than I expected too. I'm starting to worry that at some point it's all going to come crashing down, but perhaps I've finally gotten so goddamn good at these things that I can process them with some kind of sanity. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or if it means I've finally taken that final step into the "coldhearted bitch" category. I mailed a particular letter today. Those of you who've I've talked to about "THE LETTER" know what I'm talking about. The rest of you... well, you don't get to know :P I'll maybe let you know via cyberland how it goes over... *crosses fingers* Today was... eh. bland, and kind of not worth waking up. I fear that I'm going to have quite a few of those days to come. I was scrolling through my cell phone's phonebook and realized that I can't really call half of these people because they're all really Jeremy's friends. Out of something like 30 phone numbers I have, only two of them are really people I can call to hang out with if I wanted to. That was kindof a crappy realization. And both of them essentially work whenever I'm off and are off whenver I work. Crappity crap crap. I feel like I should be doing something right now. But the truth is, if Jeremy and I were still together, all I'd be doing is sitting in his room watching TV. I'm not sure that was much of a life, but then again I'm not sure this is much of a life either. What I'm trying to say is that I need to get a life. Or start finally reading half the books I always mean to get around to - like all the Ayn Rand books. I've been meaning to get to those for a long while. I also need to really start buckling back down in school - my grades are seriously slipping. But none of that makes me happy. Nothing really affects this cloud of "eh" that has surrounded me. Perhaps if the letter goes over well... but it won't and I know it. This is the life I've created for myself. Lovely lovely lovely. Everyone in cyberland should see the movie Saving Grace just so they know the tone of voice that goes through my head when I write "lovely". Maybe I'll just go to sleep instead of trying to find something to do online. I'm starting to find the internet rather boring. I'm actually starting to figure out why people have aversions to the internet, but I really have nothing else to do except sit at home and either watch TV, read, or bum around online. Sad. I need friends, BADLY. I'm really starting to hate how bad my grammar has gotten too. Perhaps it is time to brush up on that. Or not. See, that wasn't even a sentence, really. I really just need to start working on writing again. I lost my "muse" a while back and I havn't been able to really write since then. Goddamnit. Well. I'm not even very good at rambling anymore. I guess that's all I have to say. Dunno. Maybe sometime soon I'll come up with something better. G'night ~~Sarah _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Jeremy and I broke up. Alot of reasons, none of which I really feel like going into. So yeah. If you want details, email me. Otherwise... I'm done writing for now. ~~Sarah |
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