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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| Well, it's been a week now since I ran into Jackson (actually, a little over a week). I'm still not sure how I really feel about the whole thing. Yeah, we've agreed to be civil and keep somewhat mildly in touch... but I've yet to determine if that's a good thing (eg, is it going to help?). In other news the christmas rush is finally overwith :D :D This makes me very happy. And to those of you who are cruel enough to shop in a mall on the weekends in the month preceeding christmas: FUCK YOU. You should know better than to be in a mall on the weekends in the month preceeding christmas. During the week it is much slower and happier and the employees will like you ALOT more. Stop by on the way home from work, your massage therapist will thank you for the stress reduction you'll get as well. Christmas was good otherwise. Money is good. Gifts are good. Getting to see my sisters psyched about what I got them was good. Seeing the look on Mom's face when I gave her the "One time, at massage camp..." picture frame was awesome. All in all a good holiday. Well, off to the sleep thing... Happy new years all of you out in cyber land Sarah _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well, hello to all of you out there in cyberland who read these occasional updates on my life. It's been a long time (4 months!) and I actually have something to talk about of importance other than "work" "work" and "more work". My car got broken into a couple of nights ago. Really sucked. They got a bunch of stuff including the ONLY copy of the novel I've been working on for the past few months. CRAPPITY crap crap. And they got about $2000 in other goods. Moral of the story - don't park your car where they don't have survelance, and don't leave ANYTHING in your car at all. nothing nothing nothing. It's all ok though - my insurance will cover the majority of the tangible losses and damages. Unfortunatly if they don't catch the bastard my novel is irrevocably lost. So I'll just have to start on it once more. In somewhat stranger yet more predictable news, I finally ran into Jackson face to face today. Actually, I ran into his mom first. I'd talk more about it but I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling on that front just yet. It's all just a haze compounding the shock from having my car broken into earlier this week. Basically, it's just adding to that "in shock" feeling. I expect it all to come cascading down upon me in one fell rush right about in time for me to have to face my entire family. Could be interesting. I really wish I was in the right emotional state to react, but everything got screwed up when my car was broken into. Naturally not at all how I pictured it. Theoretically we'll actually be talking again sometime before he leaves Denver. I'm actually hoping that comes through. I really want to actually talk to him. Not what happened which was basically "hey, I'm at work, I can take my half hour and chat but other than that we can't really talk, sorry". I left it in his hands though. Didn't even get their phone number really, so I guess it's up to him if he calls. Such is life. "And there will always be stop and go and fast and slow, and actions, reactions, and sticks, and stones and broken bones, and those for peace, and those for war, and godbless these ones not those ones, but these ones made times like these, and times like those, what will be will be, and so it goes, and it always goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on it goes" - Jack Johnson Actually, something cool is that my manager (btw I work at a sunglass hut now), of his own accord, got all the local managers to donate a couple bucks and put together a little "hope you feel better since the car thing sucked" gift for me. $75 cash and my Regional manager donated a $50 target gift card as well. So that cheered me up a bit. It was so "above and beyond". I couldnt' belive he'd care that much, especially since he's only been my manager for a couple of weeks (we've been having managers shifting around in my store for a while as promotions are taken care of). Between that and the whole Jackson thing I think today balances out the crappity crapness of monday. Then again, I'm not really sure what my reaction to the jackson thing is anyway. Once again, such is life. "The nirvana that you promised life could be Was a deadly blend of hell and ecstacy " - The Dreaming _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| You know, I've really been dwelling on the negative issues in my life recently, and I think that that gives this journal a really negative feel overall. And that bothers me. I always manage to find time to bitch and moan on days when things aren't perfectly spiffy (isn't 'spiffy' a great word?), and I don't bother on days when everything goes well. Which is really bad because I know I have friends who read this journal as one of the only ways to see what's going on with my life. So they're not really getting a full picture. My summer has basically been going great. The job-hunt issue is a consistant letdown, but I think I've managed to land a good job (Finally). Other than that I've really enjoyed being back with my club (it's my baby). And it's definetly wonderful to be back home with Jeremy. I don't know what I would do without him, and I really don't understand how I put up with the year (well, 9 months) away from him. Thank the Goddess I don't have to put up with that anymore. I'm definetly gearing up to go back to school, I'm pretty sure that 3/5 of my clases will be complete blow-offs, but the other two look cool. Intro to psych II and intro to ethics and society. For those of you who know me, the ethics class is right up my alley - basically discussing nothing but current ethical dilemmas such as the abortion and religious rights issues. *teehehe* they don't know what they just unleashed on that class. Other than that, the summer has been slow, and mostly uneventful. I don't even think I made a post commemorating Jeremy and I's 1 year aniversary. It was a great day. All in all, life is great. So don't let my journal make you think otherwise... ~~Kgirlfae (aka - sarah) _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Like the sleep deprived idiot I am, there is now an email sitting in his inbox which will likely be deleted before he even reads it. At least I tried. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep at night. _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| "...Seems like yesterday, we were making plans for the future..." "Do you remember, I still remember so much" "Now I don't even recognize, The girl I swore that someday" - Stabbing Westward, "I Remember" I had a very funny realization today. If I had stayed with Jackson, if I hadn't cheated on him, if I hadn't fallen in love with Jeremy... I would be married right now. August 8th, 2004 was the date Jackson and I had set as our wedding date. And I sit here wondering now, if he is sitting somewhere in Texas thinking the same thing. It's an interesting thought. I'm even more tempted tonight to email him. To try to express just one last time all that I wish to say, and havn't. If there is a time to do so, now would be the best, I feel. Yet I'm probably just going to wus out like the chickenshit I am and once more just try to forget that any of it ever happened. I'm still undecided. It hasn't helped that everyone I've brought this up with has thought that I'm lightly referencing it. It's like I'm not supposed to be freaked out that in an alternate dimension I'd be married right now, instead of dealing with the chaos of getting a job and preparing for school. All in all, not very good thoughts to have to sleep on tonight. Perhaps I should just email him and get it over with and then I can try to curl it away in my mind and forget. Of course, I've tried to curl it away in my mind for over a year now and it still nags at me. Still drops things like this in my lap and laughs evily and waits to see how I react. Well, if I do decide to email him, I'll let the 2 or 3 people who actually read this thing know by posting as such. G'night. _________________________________________ http://lakewoodrpc.i8.com Support your local game store! "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... Stayed locked up inside my head. And I can't let them out, afraid of who I'll end up worrying. Yet all those people know that there's something I'm still hiding, something that I don't feel like letting out yet. I'm wondering if now is the time to let them out. It's been a year now. A year since I broke up with Jackson. A year is enough time to get someone out of your head - usually. Yet he still lingers, or the ghost of his memory does. I still have dreams... I still think of him... and no matter how I try to shut those memories off, they still resurface. I'm starting to wonder if there is any way for me to get over him without talking to him again. Not that he is likly to talk to me even if I tried. "I can't see what's next from this lonely overpass. Hang my head and count my steps as another car goes past. " - Pearl Jam Perhaps I should at least try... but I know it would worry Jeremy if I did. I know why it worrys him, and I also know why it shouldn't, but it still does, so I still have to take that into consideration. So essentially I'm caught between the worry of my fiance and the desire to make amends with my Ex. and if I were to try the latter, The best day to do it would be... tomorrow. And all I want to do is talk to Jeremy to try to sort this out. Try to make sure that he'll be alright with my emailing Jackson. And naturally, he's not within cell range and he's not home. I'm so tempted to try... so tempted to send that email and hope he replies. I'm so impossibly tired of his ghost haunting me. In other news... I guess... In an attempt to try and keep my mind off this subject... Work kicks ass, even though it sucks most of the time. I'm working at the Maceroni Grill now, which is awesome, since I've loved their food for years, and now I get to eat it for free. And the people there are cool too, I've already made one good friend. And the money is good. So yeah, at least that part of my life is good. Now if I could only get my brain to do what I want it to and shut the hell up. Stupid fucking brain. "Just bend the pieces 'till they fit Like they were made for it But they weren't made for this No, they weren't made for this" - Dashboard Confessional "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - Me Gnight "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So I got the Dreaming EP in the mail this weekend (FINALLY) and it kicks ass! Totally worth the 2 month wait and everything I went through to sort out them shipping it to me. I'm incredibly pleased to report that thier music speaks to me just as much, if not more, than Stabbing Westward's did. The EP just has 4 songs on it, but I'm already in my old SW habit of just putting the disc on repeat so i can listen to it over... and over... and over... For those of you ignorant souls out there, the Dreaming is the band which was created by Chris Hall (the former singer/songwriter of my favorite band Stabbing Westward, which broke up a few years back). It's really good to have nice fresh good music again. And The Dreaming has an element to it which I now realize SW was missing. All in all a great disc. However, it's managed to get my brain thinking again. I hate it when it does that. Work is helping to shut it up, but that only works for the time I'm there (BTW - Working at the Maceroni Grill KICKS ASS). It's not even thinking coherent thoughts anymore. It's trying to make me think in impossible terms, things that could never happen, but it makes me want to have them happen. It's crazy and I want to kill it. I hate the world that my brain creates for me to live in. I hate the way it has me thinking about situations that I don't even want to be contemplating. I want Jackson out of my head once and for all. "I cannot be free / 'till there's nothing left but ashes / of a shoebox labled burn" - The Dreaming "I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming See? I'm already quoting them... I wish it would all just go away. I wish I wasn't tempted to hurt myself anymore (not that I have, I'm just tempted... but that temptation gets pretty bad sometimes). It's like I have everything I need to be happy and yet there is still this shadow hanging over it all and making it... not bad, but not great either. "God you were so beautiful / 'til I looked in your eyes..." - The Dreaming http://www.thedreamingonline.com <-- go get the EP. It's worth more than what they're charging. Trust me. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Every night for the past few nights my dreams have one way or another lead to Jackson. I've begun to think that perhaps I'm not supposed to get over him, or that perhaps that chapter is not yet closed as I formerly believed it was. The end of all these dreams is my calling his house, trying to reconnect with him one last time, and failing. Every time I fail because someone else picks up the phone and refuses to let me talk to him. I keep trying to figure out what this is supposed to mean and I simply can't (anyone out there in cyber-land who could help?). I don't know why I feel like there hasn't been closure on that front. He and I have talked since the break up, and even that went badly. Though I find myself wondering now if perhaps it went badly simply because of everything else that was going on that week which interfered with my judgement. Not that now would be any better, I'm sure. Having Screech as a friend isn't much help either, knowing that he is a potential way for me to indirectly contact him... I wonder if I will ever be truely rid of the "Jackson influence" in my life. Then again, I'm not really sure I want to be rid of it. I become tempted to call him. I know he would not respond to an email sent by me, which only leaves me with that option. I don't know what I would say, however, which makes it that much more difficult. Decisions decisions. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| A bit of fun brought to us by Stagedancer. Thought I would continue it. 1. Ask me 3 questions, no more no less. 2. Ask me anything you want. 3. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. And if you're not from this site, email me with your journal/blog's address. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I used to call these rants back in the days when I was an angry teenager. This journal has come a long way. I'm realizing now, as a result of the events yesterday, that I will probably never get Jackson out of my head. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, and that worries me (alot of things worry me, I'm a worrier). I wish I could find a way to dislodge him from my thoughts. I still have dreams of running into him somewhere, only now I'm unsure of what my reaction would be. I feel it would be somewhere between anger and pain. But I can't tell if I would be happy to see him again. I'm not sure I would. I can't help but wonder at the fact that he's still in my head. And, joy of joys, his mother just emailed me again. Will I never be rid of these memories? "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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