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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Things are now beginning to settle into a new norm. I'm not sure if this is the end of the honeymoon or I'm just having a down couple of days, but I don't feel as enthusiastic as I was last week. Training is still going well and I can feel my strength building...even seeing my shoulders in the mirror becoming more defined is a good feeling and shows the results of my efforts...but still, something is niggling. I am due for a break from caring, but with international travel opening up within a few months, I would rather hold off taking a break now and wait until I can get on a plane and go O/S. Thailand again. Chang Mai or somewhere up north...or maybe I'll go back to Phuket Island which is such an idyllic place to stay. I've been having drug dreams...last night I was at a party and everyone was high on MDMA...they all looked so happy and were all touchy-feely with each other. I felt really left out and sad that I wasn't involved and if someone had offered me a pill, I have no doubt I would have taken it. At least if I had, it wouldn't have cost me anything and no come-down to deal with, but no one did...and I guess that's how it has to be. Funny how meth was my poison, and yet, I dream about taking Ecstasy. Today is my double day...weights soon and then on the bike...I can feel the difference it's making in my fitness and my general health. I won't let a dream shroud the reality of what could happen if I let my guard down 'just this once' and take drugs 'for old times sake'...addiction is raising its ugly head to test and see if I am ready to fall back into its clutches. "No addiction, not today. But thanks for reminding me you're still there." |
| Today, I wondered...how did I do it? Yes...meth can give some extra energy, but it only lasts until the next dose, and as time went by, those extra doses needed to become more and more frequent. And with every dose, the money would disappear. Time seemed to pass so quickly when I was high, and I thought I was getting things done, but now I look back and see, I wasn't getting much done at all...the walking dead. A big part of my decision to stop using was when I started noticing my short term memory was slipping, and not just when I was high. Even on the days I wasn't high, I would go to find or do something, and all it would take was a small distraction, and it would be gone...which is a very scary thing indeed. My 'friends' only came around when drugs were involved...and since I stopped using meth, so too, these 'friends' have stopped calling and coming around. So much of that lifestyle now has me wondering...but the good news is in the six to seven weeks since I last used...my memory has noticeably improved...my lungs don't hurt when I breathe and the wheeze has improved a lot. My bank account has stopped hemorrhaging and has now turned around. Even though I have fewer friends in my personal life, I know I will meet people who are real...who will care about me and aren't just hanging around because of a common addiction. Today I wondered how I did it for so long, but not once did I wonder why I stopped. . |
| Tonight, I'm completely spent. Did the double this afternoon ...an hour in the gym followed by thirty minutes of cycling . Someone I used to do drugs with popped by to see me this morning...he didn't call my phone first cause meth, pot, alcohol and ciggies tend not to leave much money leftover for bills. He collected some stuff I was storing for him and once he realized I was stiill on track, he didn't stay long. He did comment that I was looking good, which made his visit worthwhile for me. Early to bed sounds pretty damn fine to me. Today, all it would have taken is a word, and all would be lost...but as we carried his stuff to his pickup, he looked like he was going to collapse from exhaustion, and I was hardly breathing...and I was content. |
| Hi...I'm Neil and I am addicted to Methamphetamine. It's important for me to never forget this or become complacent. But, my addiction does not define me. I now choose to live my life without this drug...choosing a better life with more opportunities, more fun, more years and more friends to come...more places to visit and more people to meet...just more...there really is no choice when it comes down to it but still...I could have chosen death, but something inside me screamed...ENOUGH! Some things about me you may not know... I have eight tattoos and two piercings, one in my tongue and one in my left nipple (and yes, they both hurt like a MF). I'm a Google Local Guide, Level 5 and have been reviewing local and overseas restaurants and businesses for over four years. I've written sixty reviews under the moniker, furry fun and I love it...always looking to write positively but truthfully. Rarely do I tip off anyone that I will be reviewing them unless I immediately like what I see. I breed canaries...I'm a caregiver...I'm an Aussie...and about five or six weeks ago, I decided enough was enough and used the last of my meth...and haven't looked back since. When I made the choice to stop using, my life changed for the better (who would have thought...LOL). I wake up looking forward to each and every day. I'm seriously enjoying my progress both physically and mentally...but it's the emotional awakening that I'm loving the most. I am a different person without meth...in every way...and the truth is, if you had told me all of this two months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. Today I didn't use...mainly because it never crossed my mind that I would want to...this is me...and I like me a lot more now...actually, a hell of a lot more. |
| My Tuesday night group meeting went well...Vicki was back and I like the way she facilitates...very organised and has the know-how to get to the heart of things without touching raw nerves...a gift I think. We all learn things about each other in groups, as well as learning about ourselves, and that's what draws me to these types of meetings. I like that there is encouragement and recognition in the things we share...and with each meeting, I feel my confidence rising. Tonight, there were three of us and Vicki...Alex who I met at my first meeting, Josh who has been before, but who I met for the first time tonight, and five minutes after we began, in walked Jonh the Irishman from last week. Honestly, I was dreading him coming again...not because he is bad or causes any interruptions...it just doesn't feel right to me that an intoxicated person should be at a meeting where people are trying to better themselves. I spoke to Vicki about John being intoxicated the week before, and she explained that depending on the level of intoxication, everyone deserves a chance, and she told me that although John is only there because he is ordered to be, doesn't mean he should not get the same opportunities as I do...and I saw her point. And I have to admit that perhaps there is resentment there for me...after all, he is able to continue to use his poison, but I am not. In any case...last week he asked for a lift home and I agreed...we spoke along the way and by that stage, I had gotten over my little hissy fit and even though I still believe showing up to a meeting drunk is not good form, I thought of him more as another human being rather than some drunkard who I didn't want to know. So tonight he came over and sat down in the chair nearest mine and immediately asked if I could give him a lift home, and I agreed...he then let the group do our thing. He was asked by Vicki a few times if he wanted to join in, but he politely declined. There was a marked difference from the week before and I could see he wasn't intoxicated at all...in fact, on our way home, he was quite chuffed to tell me in his Irish accent that he hadn't had a drink in three days. I must admit, a strange feeling came over me when I heard this...pride...mixed with regret. I don't know John or what he has been through...and once again, I had judged someone before I knew anything about them. Humble pie is an acquired taste, but one I am becoming quite used to, and even though it does have a slight after-taste of guilt, I know how healthy that is for me and so, I ate every last crumb. Next week, I'm picking John up on my way and we are going to the meeting together...two strangers who have different problems...who are different in so many ways and yet, we also have something in common. Our demons don't care who we are or what poison we choose to put in our bodies, and the reality is, alone, we are nowhere near as strong as we are together. I like to think he responded to a kind act in the way he respected the group tonight, and I responded to that show of respect with more determination than I have ever felt before. John might be just the man I need to bring me back down to earth, and show me that no matter what we do on any given day, we all deserve a chance at winning this battle. |
| Springtime (in the southern hemisphere) is my favourite time of year. The days are warming, yet the nights are still cool enough to sleep comfortably (although today was 37 degrees Celsius...98.3 Farenheight...and the hottest October day in seventeen years). From my bedroom window, I can see the afternoon storms rolling in over the mountains to the west...the fact that it's my birthday in September and I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth gives me a sense of appreciation that I didn't have before...before I got meth out of my life. I am thankful for a lot...I still have my health, and now, with this new outlook, a future...a future I never thought I would see because I was killing myself with methamphetamine, and I didn't care. It's incredible how quickly things can turn around if you can just see...and with my main obstacle removed, I can see clearly now where I am headed. |
| Everything is on track...did the double for the first time since I stopped using...did a workout followed by bike ride. Eating more fruit...bananas, strawberries and dates...yogurt is a fav and the weight is falling off. I can breathe and my endurance is building...all in all, considering it's only been a couple of months, I couldn't be happier. The blog is losing steam and that's fine. I am going well and in the coming week or two, I will probably stop...if anyone reads the old entries and wants support themselves, I'm only an email away. |
| We've been getting afternoon storms for the past week or so, coming in from the northwest. They come in fast and hit hard, and this is the norm at this time of year. I try to get out on my bike most days and have been doing well, but a few days ago, I left it a little later than usual and got caught out in a big one...I said I'd ride rain, hail, or shine and on that day, I got the first two in droves. Been drying out my clip-on shoes since and they are ready to go. I see storm clouds on the horizon and it's time to leave before another one sweeps across SE Queensland. No meth today and it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but I understand just how big of a deal it really is. |
| I have a plan...an ultimate goal if you will. Being from Australia, SE Asia is right on my doorstep and will be my home one day. I am a Buddhist at heart...giving is what makes me happy...be it my time, my ideas, my knowledge and eventually, my assets. You only have to see a Westerner walking down the street anywhere in SE Asia and holding hands with a child to feel a wave of anger and a deep desire to bring change. To save just one girl or boy from a life of degradation and shame and to bring these individuals to justice in their own countries, might serve as a deterrent, and a way to dry up demand...would make my life worthwhile...REALLY paying it forward I feel very passionately about this...and about the plight of animals that are abused and neglected anywhere in the world. Human encroachment robbing them of the habitat they need to survive outside of zoos...which in the end, only robs us of a balanced ecology. We have to face facts though... that individually, we can't save the entire world...as much as that would be nice. There is so much wrongdoing...injustice and tyranny...corruption and greed. These are the things that attract the attention of the media, and to a degree, are presented as the norm. But, there is so much good also happening...people who care and see the truth...people who are willing to act...be that by physically going and trying to make a change, or by supporting organisations and foundations that are willing to do that work all across the world...to educate...to make a difference. I want to make a difference. I thought it might come from my writing and perhaps one day it will help...to share with anyone who feels as I do...that apathy and an attitude of 'it's no use trying' just isn't good enough anymore. To sit and watch TV and hope that the world will change is only looking at things through rose coloured glasses...and if that is all some people can do, then so be it...but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a difference, maybe I already have...but there is always more that can be done...that should be done. One day...that young girl or boy, whose destiny was to be sold...by parents who had little choice because the money they would get could feed an entire village for however long it does...to make better someone's life by showing these parents that alternatively, giving these children an education and choice of career can bring so much more, and far outweighs any short term gain from selling their children into a life of prostitution...now that sounds like something I want to be involved with. Today I feel some regret at the time I wasted...but I will use this regret as a learning tool for what not to do in future. Today, I wouldn't use meth if you paid me. |
| My Internet is down due to storms, and as much as it is annoying, nowadays, I am looking at things from a better place. I'm not high anymore, and so, I am seeing things in a different light. I now realise how lucky I am just to have access to the net...to clean water and to free councelling services. Yes...we have lockdowns here in Australia (boohoo), but that's for the greater good of the community (and it works, regardless of how the small, but noisy minority feels about that). We can't travel overseas yet, but once we, the silent majority who are willing to do what's necessary for us to gain the upper hand on this pandemic, have rolled up our sleeves, then that is only months away (or within the year, depending on the attitude and uptake of each individual country). The light is no longer at the end of the tunnel...it's right there, and I can't wait to see how we, the people of this world, come through this most difficult of times. I hope there will be celebrations...and a new awareness of what's important and what isn't. And how we can do things differently, which will help prevent future pandemics from occurring. Perhaps this could be looked at as something akin to nearly losing your life, and that feeling afterwards of appreciation for the world as a whole...we can never go back to normal...but a new normal? Yes. Since the dawn of time, there have been changes...everything changes, and that's just the way it is. Another day without meth...another day closer to my goals...another day to celebrate life. You don't have to be a recovering addict to do that, you just have to understand and appreciate that each and every day you are alive is worthy of celebration. |
| Wow...what a day. I won't go into detail and bore you, but I'm pretty beat. Last night's meet was once again interesting. Vicki was not in...sick. The receptionist was going to can the meeting altogether, but I let her know I wasn't very happy about that, and so, she got a lady called Ruth to take the group...group being three people...again...me being the only common denominator. There was a woman around my age...meth and still using and an Irishman called John who was drunk and insisted he had to be there on a court order. The girl was court-ordered to and well, it feels a little disappointing when you realise you're the only one there who isn't high or drunk and actually wants to stop. Being high at a meeting kinda defeats the purpose I think, and I doubt Vicki would have allowed John to stay...I know I definitely wouldn't have. He was boisterous and talking a lot of shit and a couple of times I thought about telling him something about himself...especially when he said, "Druggies." I pipped up with, "You do know alcohol is a drug, don't you?" He then mentioned his bad temper. I didn't mention my 11 years of Muay Thai training because I was saving that as a surprise for him in case his temper got the better of him...but, ironically enough at the end (finished half an hour early) he asked me which way I was headed, and I dropped him off at his building...which was on my way anyway. He even asked me if I wanted to go drinking with him the next day, but I politely declined...he wasn't a bad bloke, just not sober. I'm going to call the counsellors tomorrow (just too busy to do it today) and ask if this is how it's always going to be. I want to surround myself with people who have hit rock bottom and know which way is up. Still riding my bike most days...eating better too. I don't know how this happens, but somehow, all my pants are getting bigger. Today, I didn't use...and for that, I am so grateful. |
| I have a confession to make. Today, I saw my neighbour who suffered burns out in in his garden, and since it's bin night (we have to place our trash out on the street for collection every Tuesday) I popped over to take his bin out as I was doing my own then anyway. He has improved a lot and I must admit that I was curious as to if he had actually noticed that his lawn had been mowed. He didn't say anything as we spoke about his recovery, so I left it at that and went to get ready to go to my meeting. As I was leaving, I saw him reversing out his driveway, waved and...POOF...there appeared a saint on one shoulder, and the devil on the other...and in a 'who should I listen to' moment...I must confess that the devil won...and I am so glad he did. Here's exactly how it went down...I waved, he waved back and once the devil made me do it, I walked over and tapped on his window as he waited for traffic to pass...he rolled down his window and I said...and I quote, "Geez mate, your lawn sure is looking good." The next few seconds were the funniest few moments I have had in a long time...facial expressions tell a lot, and his went from a really proud smile, then in an instant went to bewilderment as the realisation that it DID look good...then the Ummmmm moment of confusion...to...WTF are you doing over here paying me compliments on my lawn...all in a matter of two seconds. I walked away with the biggest smile on my face because I seriously don't think he knows (and so anonymous reigns). Now, I know anonymous is a great thing, but, my payoff for mowing his lawn and those few seconds made it so worth the effort...and for once, the devil did a good thing. |
| Meth is becoming 'less' in my life. Once upon a time, I would wake up and think about meth. Go to lunch thinking about meth...while I was thinking about meth, guess what I was thinking about? In the last however many weeks (some people count the days weeks and months, but for some reason, I don't) I haven't used, these thoughts about meth have almost disappeared. Progress? Danger? Overconfidence or a drug just waiting for me to fall? Whatever...my mind is now contemplating other issues, which keeps it busy and that has to be a good thing, right? I don't know the answers to all the questions...one day at a time eventually becomes a week or a month...I mean at some stage I have to believe...truly believe that I will never use again? I can say the words, but I am no fool and realise they are just words if not backed up by real and absolute determination and commitment. FEAR...I used to fear running out of meth, now I fear running into it again and not being strong enough to resist. Is this a healthy fear to have? Fear has become a four-letter word, but without fear, can there still be respect? Like we are supposed to fear a parent (wait until your father gets home was once upon a time a real thing)...or the fear of God. Without consequence, we lose fear, and without fear...there can be no respect. Look at what is happening in the world...this is not just my problem. Drugs are not the problem, I am the problem. WHY I use drugs is the real issue I need to tackle now. Why is there so much civil disobedience now? Riots, mass shootings, terrorism and war? Why is it that we put our own interests above the interests of our own children and grandchildren? Why can't we see what is happening and stop...at the most basic and fundamental level and stop polluting the very water we rely on for life? Have we become so ineffectual and apathetic that we have given up? What use is a job if we don't have a planet that is able to sustain us? In Australia, there is a saying...more of an attitude really..."She'll be right mate." And when the person who coined that phrase...who had that attitude first said it, she was alright. But now, she is not alright, nothing is alright and like it or not, Coronavirus is the direct result of our inability to see what we are doing as a species to this planet. All the energy people put into resisting wearing masks, defending our rights and the rights of our children wouldn't be necessary if we just opened our eyes and could see. Since I stopped using meth, my eyes have opened and I can see where we are headed...can you? And more to the point, are we...you and I...willing to do anything about it except believe it is someone else's problem? Because after we are gone, it will be someone else's problem. Look at your children and grandchildren and realise that just because we won't be around to see the results of our failures, doesn't mean we won't be held accountable for them...only through their eyes will the consequences of today's actions be seen. |
| Man, I feel good today...if this is life, then count me in. Of course, I know there will be days...questions...doubts and difficulties. And you know what? I am ready to embrace all of it because a bad day without addiction, beats the hell out of any day living with it. The thing about meth is, it suppresses everything...time goes by so fast, and the people we love and care about leave just as quickly, which to a meth user, is not a bad thing at all because then we don't have to face the realities they bring. Meth is especially good at suppressing feelings...we simply don't care anymore...about our appearance, about our lives...about others...about anything except getting and using meth. But, just under the surface of this denial, is a meth user's worst enemy...yet, greatest ally...love. No matter how much meth we ingest, love can never be beaten into submission or killed off. All that happens is it waits for the right people to come along to show us that we are worthy...to show us care and respect, strength and dignity...the things we thought we were no longer capable of...the love we never thought we deserved. And then, when we reach out and discover that you ARE there...hands we couldn't see through the fog and calamity of life as an addict...well, for me it has been overwhelming at times. The most important values an addict should embrace when seeking recovery are belief in ourselves, and belief in those who are there for us. Understanding that remaining humble is the key that will open the door to freedom. |
| Today I mowed my lawn...the last time I did, I struggled to push my mower around our 1/8 acre block, and it took me days to recover because meth sucks all the energy and life from you, leaving behind only misery and despair. I was hoping my banged-up neighbour would be home and I could ask if he would mind if I did his lawn as well. I didn't think it would be a problem, but I didn't want to be overly presumptuous or make him feel as if he needed me to do that for him given his situation. I kept looking for signs of life, but all was quiet and I assumed they had gone out, and so, I made the call, opened his gates, went inside and mowed his lawn (only the front because he owns two Pitbulls who I wasn't prepared to take a chance with out back). The funny thing is, they arrived home later in the afternoon and as far as I can tell, haven't noticed their grass is shorter than it was when they left...LOL...and you know what, I won't be telling them a thing about it because the best way to pay it forward, is to do it without any expectation of recognition or reward. I know the universe will balance things out and it matters not whether they ever realise because doing something for someone in need is a good deed indeed. It made me feel good about the world around me, and that is more than enough reward. And tonight as I sit here, although absolutely knackered, is a better feeling than I ever got from taking meth...this IS my new life, and I'll be damned if I will give this back for some chemical high. |
| It's amazing how different things can appear once a good night's sleep and some perspective can be had...thank you for this opportunity to share my story of recovery. I know it won't change the world, that's not the point...more, to change myself, and if I can touch someone, even just one person on this journey I have undertaken, then that makes it worthwhile. Yesterday...and since I began riding my bike again, I have noticed a change in my neighbourhood. Covid 19 hasn't ravaged us here in Australia, at least, not like it has many other places, and as a community, we should be thankful for this. But, in my mind, I perceived that people would be angry, resentful or withdrawn because of the restrictions and lockdowns we have had month after month. But instead, a really nice thing has happened. While I am pedalling along and seeing people out walking, in their front yards and anywhere I am passing, they are smiling, waving and saying hello. I've lived here almost my entire life and it has never been like this before, and it has come as such a surprise. A community under siege, united, and instead of what I thought, the opposite. Now, when I get on my bike, I am smiling and saying gidday to people who don't expect that. I've come to realise that just a nod of the head can make such a difference to someone's life because that is what other's have given me over the last month or two. We can all make a difference, and to me, this is a very real and positive thing that has come from such a terrible epidemic. I'm a pretty withdrawn person when I am using. I don't smile at my neighbours and I am, by and large, an introvert. I can be selfish and at times, couldn't care less about anyone but my mom and me. Yet, now I have taken meth out of the equation, it's like I have become sociable again. We have a young couple with a baby living next door. Because of my shame and the effects meth has on me I haven't spoken to them for a long time. Just over a week ago, the fellow was out in his front yard as I was preparing to go for my ride. Our eyes met and there was a slightly uncomfortable nod of our heads and a mumbled hello. Yesterday, when I arrived back from my bike ride, he was in his front yard with their baby. He was covered in bandages. Both his hands and up both arms, shoulders and both his lower legs. I saw him and asked what had happened. He told me he was at a party, everyone had been drinking and someone thought it would be fun to throw a can of deodorant into the open pit of the fire he was sitting beside. He didn't notice this, and when it exploded he received first and second-degree burns. My lawn needs to be mowed, and so does his, paying it forward becomes a reality today...and who knows where that may end up. Today, I'm too busy to use, and even if I wasn't, I have no want or need for it. |
| I'm watching 'Alone, Grizzly Mountain' at the moment...I love seeing human nature and how we are without all the clutter and activity...the devices, technologies and comforts all taken away. That's how we lived not that long ago...exposed to the elements and dangers...the only difference is on the TV show, there's no tribe...and isolation is what causes the most tap outs. When I began my drug use, it was speed that was available. It made me confident, happy, sociable...I had energy to burn and would dance the nights away or talk endlessly to others at parties or bars...it was fun back then. Amphetamines are amphetamines right? Well, I'm here to tell you that's wrong. When I was young, we smoked pot grown in the bush from strains that had medium levels of THC that we thought was the best. If I were to go back and give my friends the hybrids that are grown now, we would all be greening out (vomiting from overdoing it). Methamphetamine, or crystal meth, is not the same drug only stronger than the speed we took back then, or at least, the effects are very different. Meth doesn't make the user want to go out and talk, dance and sing, it isolates the user. We become paranoid, it causes OCD like symptoms, it dries the body internally...sucking all the water out of the organs and peeing it out because of its diuretic effects. We become so manic when high, that we literally forget to drink water in order to replace all that is lost over the days and nights we are likely to remain high (I wouldn't sleep for up to three and four nights and hardly drink any water during this time) and of course, this can have major short and long term effects from constant dehydration. The colon is the most water hungry organ in the human body, and so, constipation is inevitable for anyone addicted to meth...kidney stones are also likely as well as thickening of our blood raising the possibility of heart attack and stroke. Brain damage is a forgone conclusion. A scan of my brain to see what I have done in my thirty years (or it could be forty or twenty five...it's hard to count exact days when there are breaks in between...not counting all the other meth-like drugs I took during this time) of abusing this drug would be a very scary proposition for me to undertake, knowing there is no way to repair the damage done. All I can thank for my being able to write as I do? My guess is brain plasticity...I am quite literally a walking, talking miracle and how I am not dead or completely unable to function I cannot fathom. There is no doubt I have sustained damage that will reduce my life expectancy, and going by the stats, I should already be dead...yet, here I am, still typing away and producing worthwhile pieces of writing that may just be a part of why I can still function as I do. In any case, I will accept my fate, as we all must...and you never know, stats don't identify 100% of cases and I've been lucky so far. Maybe I have a purpose, or maybe I will be diagnosed next week. I just hope I don't turn around one day and regret all of this life I have lived...but that's an easy thing to say now. |
| Firstly I want to thank ... Lilli, Mia in motion, Schnujo, Redtorwrite, Hummingbird, Just LeJenD', warpedsanity Lightsong, Dog, Addison, Soxweaver for at least attempting to find the clue, Sinbad...just for being you, The Story Master and Mistress...without you, there wouldn't be this community, to all those who come and read about my journey and to those I should have mentioned but didn't...and a very special thanks goes to WakeUp And Live, you are awesomeness personified. Today I had my first one on one session (two on one, but I will explain) and it didn't go the way I expected it to go. I thought two on one might be because you can't trust a meth addict because of our fearsome reputation...but I was wrong (kind of getting used to this, and is a good thing). I met two trainee Counsellors today...one was fresh out of uni (I think I might have been her first, and I hope she remembers me) and so quietly spoken and nervous, I had to keep asking what she had said, the other, probably one year out of uni...but both very much newbies. After a minute or two of allowing them to guide the session, I decided to take the reigns...I mean, someone had to. So, I spoke, and they nodded with the same, "Hmmmm." at the appropriate moments. They hung in there and deserved my respect just for trying and I in turn appreciate their want to help others. Taking something away from this session was easy...I have been to more drug counselling sessions than either of these lovely young girls has had hot dinners (not something I say with pride or literally, but still, you get my point) but they are now better counsellors and will improve with each session they do. I took it easy on them, where once upon a time I may not have been as patient or kind, but, I was arrogant back then and these days, I try to refrain from being such a fool. Today did nothing to damage my resolve, in fact, it helped me a lot to know that by gently guiding the session to the one hour mark without anyone becoming frustrated or embarrassed, I did something good. You all did something good for me yesterday by supporting me, even if all you did was read my words and gain some small insight into your own life. The best therapy for me is paying it forward...good begets good...be kind and kindness will be you...think of others, but don't give so much of yourself there is nothing left over for you either...balance is the key to all possibilities and I feel as centred right now as I have in my whole life. I don't often quote others, much to my own detriment at times, but today as I told my mom of today's experience, she began to recite a poem I have never heard, but am now glad I have. Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever; Do noble things, not dream them, all day long: And so make life, death and that vast for-ever One grand, sweet song. Charles Kingsley |
| Doubts, there are aplenty, but the strange thing is...I'm having none. This honeymoon period I thought was 'over baby' was just one day where something happened that brought me down, and can happen to any one of us, on any given day. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of...when will this honeymoon really end? In the past, I have never allowed myself to believe, "I got this." Because as soon as I do, I will fail. That creates a false sense of security...over-confidence. But now, I'm not so sure. Verbalising is a powerful thing...saying something like the little red engine did... "I think I can...I know I can!" Which got him up and over that hill shows determination rather than arrogance...confidence without spiel. Nothing I have tried in the past has worked and so, perhaps it is time for a change in tactic...instead of under-confidence...HOPING I will stop using, it might be time to believe I can do this, after all, the very definition of madness is repeating the same process and expecting a different result. I'm sure that everyone wants me to succeed...I want me to succeed, but the truth is, I have used meth for so long, have failed on so many occasions that I couldn't hold it against anyone who had their doubts I can do this...and in the past, it was I who doubted me the most. I never really wanted to give her up, she has been with me for so long and was at times the closest thing I had to a friend...but friendships sour...relationships change and what can one day be one thing, can quickly change into something else altogether. Meth and I are co-dependent...were co-dependent...and like someone who finally decided they have had enough of abusive relationships, although far from cured, at that moment, a switch clicks, and they know they will never settle for anything less than respect, love and truth again. The difference is that an abuse victim can find a new partner who will treat them with the respect they always wanted...meth will never do this for me. When someone leaves an abusive relationship, friends and relatives all hope they won't return to that, or another abusive relationship, but I believe that once the switch is flicked, you cease being a victim, and begin the journey of becoming a survivor. My switch has clicked, and I can say right now, without one single doubt in my mind, I will never go back to that, or any other drug, ever again. Today I have not used, nor will I use...tomorrow, or the next day or for the rest of my life. I know...I am not out of the woods yet, my head is not up in the clouds and there is a lot of work to be done, but I will do the work, I will find my way out of the darkness and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face again...of this, I have absolutely no doubt. |
| Last night, I attended my first group session. The facilitator, Vicki, is a qualified Psychoanalyst, but wasn't there on official business and only wanted to talk to the group and ask questions...hang on...now that's a good shrink...not only did she begin to find out what makes us tick without us even knowing about it, but she waved the $200 per hour fee normal shrinks charge (normal, I will discuss with her next week). Now, back to the serious business of quitting drugs. I arrived early and thought I would edit some old writing on my phone, logged into WDC then halfway through the edit, Vicki arrived and called me and the other victim...I mean client, Alec, into the conference room. The room could have fit twenty or more people around the large oblong table, so the three of us settled in at one end and did the niceties. As I was the newbie and Alec had been before, Vicki went straight for my jugular...which given the short timeframe we have available, I appreciated very much. Vicki then moved onto Alec and then back to me...we had a good rapport, and all felt comfortable when the door opened forty-five minutes into the one and a half-hour session and in walked a fellow who looked like he had had a hard life...skinny with a severely pockmarked face, old clothes with holes and to me, appeared high. His name is Tracy or Tracey...not sure about the spelling because I haven't met a male Tracey before. It was obvious Vicki knew him, ignoring him for the next five minutes and in my mind, this guy didn't belong to 'our' little group. Eventually, she included the intruder and when he began to speak..to tell the group about his week...I felt shame for prejudging him as some old wino junkie who had no right to be there with us. Tracey has been clean for 63 days...he drinks some alcohol but he wasn't drunk and I saw no signs he had any in his system. He told us of the people at the pub who know he is trying to clean himself up asking him to go outside for a pipe to get him back on the meth...he used to go with them because it made him feel included...like they were friends, but in time, he realised they just wanted to sell him drugs and that they were just dropkicks (Australian for users and idiots). He was proud of himself for resisting and so were we...then, the three of us and Vicki got to work in the final few minutes making our plans and declaring our goals for the following week. I said goodbye and on the way out, I saw Tracey and he waved and asked if I would be coming back next week...I waved back and said that I would definitely see him then. Learning, always learning...appearances don't mean shit...it's attitudes and a desire for a better life that counts in this battle I wage, along with people of all walks of life...we all deserve a chance and I think that was the most important thing I took away from my first session. |
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