I thoroughly enjoyed this wild teenaged tale. To answer your question: I vote for chaos. It reminded me of a sober and scaled down version of Chong, without Cheech. The first person worked very effectively. And the grandfather was a excellent addition.
Your protagonist was certainly quite a character--Neil took us on an excellent adventure! It was sort of like a jouney plot without leaving town. I liked the action and the quick pacing. Funny story. Very funny. I would have liked to been at the convention when you told it.
I can see why it won in the teen category. Thanks for sharing this hilarious piece.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Redtowrite,
IMPRESSION: This was a heart-warming classic story. I loved the title.
CHARACTERS: The father, Auguste, was a complicated character and the driving force. In the end, when Auguste speaks of precious wasted time, he comes full circle. Character change is the essence of a good story. That was effective writing!
PLOT/SETTING: The love Auguste had for his daughter, Angela, coupled with his misguided decision, supplied a powerful storyline. The addition of the mask and the whole clown persona was a clever device and strengthened your themes of acceptance and love.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: I thought the story could have benefitted from slowing the pace a bit, to let it breathe. You might consider more interaction between the father and daughter, or possibly some inner dialogue to make us feel the regret more deeply.
Expanding on "how and when" Angela first realized her father was a clown would also bolster the drama.
In the third paragraph, "he" should be changed to Auguste.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed this entry. With a few extra touches, this heart-warming story could be made more compelling. Good luck in the contest.
Congratulations on your award-winner poem Mother Earth. I came across it in The Elementalist Contest. It was enjoyable, but more importantly, it was very insightful. Your words rang out like a voice in the wilderness. Hopefully they landed on some ears that will actually hear. Nice piece of work!
First, let me offer my condolences for those who were lost and injured in this cowardly act of terrorism. I also watched in horror as this all unfolded on the television. The world is dangerous enough without having to worry about crazed maniacs bent on destruction.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences here on WDC. The article was well written and put forth in a evenhanded manner (which, for me, would have taken much restraint).
After years of thought and study, I have no answer for these problems, other than to be the best person "I" can be, and hope for the best. I, too, am but a common citizen who wants to live (and write) in safety and peace.
I will reread this piece several times to take it all in. Thanks again for sharing it.
Congratulations on winning the Quotation Inspiration Contest! It is well deserved. Along with your relationship history, you intertwined this "day-in-the-life" to produce a poignant and engaging story that fit the prompt perfectly. As always, your gift for family matters served you well. This compelling piece encompasses both humor and inightful narration.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging and rating of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful or agree with. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Beatle,
IMPRESSION: A wild drama with all the makings of an Indiana Jones movie.
CHARACTERS: Your protagonist, Alan, told the story which came across strange, but authenic. The chief ironically received his in the end, as well as Alan's old friend. I enjoyed the characterization of the man that went bonkers.
PLOT/SETTING: Having the one who seemilying opened the voyage
up to its disaster calamity worked, as well as him having the book with him. This, of course, caused the mutiny.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: Besides a few typos, repeated words, and minor word choices, the piece was well written and moved along at a good clip.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: You might have fleshed the characterization of Alan's friend, and gave more meaning behind the mutiny.
It's obvious that Alan lived, because he wrote the story; however, for me, the resolution felt somewhat lacking. This piece has the feel of a novel, or at least a part two. Interesting story. Good luck in the contest.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging and rating of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful or agree with. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS W.D. Wilcox,
IMPRESSION: Mightier Than The Pen is a capital choice for the title of this suspenseful horror story. The twist--the writer being a murderer--pulls the reader in immedately.
CHARACTERS: Cameron Lomax is definetly quite a character. He took his occupation to a whole new level. Your descritions of his actions, and state-of-mind, provide an ample picture of his personality. You used a terrific metaphor to further both your characterization and the plot: ...his turbulent mind like an inner tempest of blind hostility that he'd take out on the lined pages, as if his victims were speaking through him even as he killed them all over again.
PLOT/SETTING: The rejection from Mr. Teller gives your protagonist motve for his actions. Teller's words were extremely powerful in the furtherance of the plot: "A writer who writes only for shock value, is nothing more than a lunatic with a pen." I also thought the "click-click" was a very effective device.
Your described the setting eloquently, which heightened my reading enjoyment.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The piece was flawlessly put together, and I didn't have any difficulty in reading or following the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: This is a compelling piece that reminded me of Poe. Good luck in the contest.
This is an excellent beginning and a most interesting read. All the makings of a great novel are here: the believable world you have created, great characterization, and plenty of mysteries to be solved. Even in this post-apocalyptic setting, your main character deals with the same questions about God and authority that all young adults deal with. A excellent piece of work.
This story is well planned. It begins with a mystery, weaves in good characterization of Margie, provides suspense, a believable plot line, and the resolution is accomplished neatly and in quick order. I didn't immediately see where this was going, which made for a great read. Your word choices also were interesting: perused, filigree, and the best was psychometry. I had to look that up. Really nice job!
The Great Elephant Debate. . . that never was held my attention until the last hippo dung shower! The farting incident was hilarious and the characters had a strange resemblance to real politicians (I watch too much CNN). The piece was extremely well written; I loved all the symbolism and satiric qualities. You also found time for an informative settting.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. Good luck in the contest.
I thought this was an unique concept. The pet peeves were a creative device and served your purpose very well. My favorite was the "Not wanting to talk" peeve. it was exremely effective. Sometimes in short stories it doesn't matter, but in this one I would have liked to seen the two characters a little more clearly, although this didn't subtract from the story. You had me wound up wondering what was going to happen, but then, I felt somewhat empty at the end. You may consider a different resolution. But this is only my opinion.
This was really an interesting piece of work. Good luck in the contest.
I thoroughly enjoyed this compelling piece. It takes us on a journey in its brief span that makes us think, and before the thinkings done, it reveals the truth.
The language does indeed have a Shakespearean quality. The rhyme is moving and eloquent.
The title caught my attention. Indigo Girl was a delightful story and fulfilled it's promise. It grabbed me from the start and pulled me along. You provided adequate suspense and intrigue to carry me to the surprise ending. I didn't see that coming, no way. It made me feel good. Nice job!
I found your piece in the Newbie Newsletter. Congratulations! You did an excellent job delivering this personal journey. The writing is clear , concise, and delivers your message evenhandedly. The addition of the quotes were effective. I'm glad you overcome your demons. And thank you for your service.
I notice you are new here. It's nice to make your acquaintance. Welcome to WDC! I'm sure you will find many like-minded spirits. Enjoy yourself.
This is an excellent short story. I could clearly see Cletus Brooks (the name Cletus is perfect), and the characterization pulled me head-long into the drama. You supplied great intrigue, sufficient action, and a clever ending. I really enjoy this type of resolution in short pieces. It makes the story linger. Nice!
Even though it's more likely to get published if you have an agent, I still query publishing houses. Hey, you never know. The main thing, of course, is to have good material to peddle. I was quering stories two years ago that just weren't ready. If a person writes something "really great", the rest will happen. I have to believe that. Write on!
As with all of your work, this was well written and interesting, but more importantly, you voice rang true without pretence or over-telling. Nice job! Being from Southern Ohio, I was around more black people than you growing up, but I also was exposed (sadly) to more prejudice more than you. Race relations has always been one of the major themes in my writing. Obama's victory will hopefully be the beginning of the end of this ugly, ignorant, morally wrong way of thinking.
I am also extremely proud of my fellow citizens. I'm thankful that you posted your feelings for all to see. Hope is a beautiful thing. Yes we can!
This was a very enjoyable read that was well written and highlighted by interesting and believable dialogue by your main character. Charles was quite a handful, indeed. I liked the whole idea of him needing change and could see the story expanded into more episides.
An eloquent piece that evolves natually. A smooth sense of rhythm, coupled with an calm urgency, highlights this declaration. The first stanza sets the tone, and theme, allowing that which follows to find its mark. There is a sense of resignation, and triumph.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful or agree with. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing have benefited in some way.
GREETINGS George,
IMPRESSION: An excellent take of a familiar plot that puts the reader smack dab back in 1957. Your thorough effort in providing the setting cannot be overstated: great period references (Rambling Rose, Lucky Strikes, poodle skirt, and so much more) and attention to detail (a leather-bound registry book at the motel) make this story stand out.
CHARACTERS: Sid Ellington came across very realistic as he deals with the strange situation that he found himself. I thought you handled this delicate problem pretty well, given what Sid had to deal with. He might have had Sid freak out just a little more (it would have added some drama), but I enjoyed the way you took the story.
Ellen, and her father, were very believable. I thought Ellen and Sid's date was nicely written and showed good characterization of Ellen. This was a superbly handled scene and made me feel like I was watching a movie.
PLOT/SETTING: The plot was straight forward. Your intitial ending was an interesting surprise. It took care of the fantasy issue and had me thinking that was it. But then, your finally twist turned it all back on its head. Nice writing!
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The piece was laid out with great care and detail and accomplished its mission. This well written tale was a pleasure to read.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: For me, your adept and clever world-building "almost" overshadowed the development of your protagonist. I could have used some inner dialogue to flesh out Sid's character a bit more. That said, this is really an interesting story and entry. Good luck in the contest.
The Promise was certainly an interesting choice to begin my "look-see" of your writing. The first person voice of the young girl was perfect for the telling of this poignant story. Her innocence worked to great effect leading up to its surprizing and heartbreaking ending. Creative story!
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful or agree with. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing have benefited in some way.
GREETINGS Wierd Sister,
IMPRESSION: A tight focussed piece that illustrated the effects of one interesting young lady on those around her.
CHARACTERS: Meg, Jennifer, and Nanni were all developed very well, although, Meg almost stole the show; she was quite interesting and proved to be an entertaining character to explain to Jennifer about Nanni. Nanni certainly stood out as your protagonist and affected all she came in contact with. My favorite part was when Nanni explained to Jennifer that it wasn't polite to use bodily fluids to describe a glorious color. This made full use of your title. Nice job!
PLOT/SETTING: The coffee shop worked great for your main scene, and the old biddies discussing Nanni set it up perfectly. Jennifer being the narrator, and a writer, was extremely effective in making the story personal, and funny.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The story was interesting and well written. I didn't notice any inconstancies, however, I did think it took a bit too long to get going. That said, you did a marvelous job in a short format.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I thought the ending was very clever. Good luck in the contest.
I found this piece in the Newbie Newsletter. Congratulation! It's nice to make your acquaintance. Welcome to WDC.
I found your story focussed and realistic. You could have said more about the first woman, providing the reader with more reason to sympathize. Nice job!
Your title is perfect! This tale reflects upon that which touches us all (in one way or another) : change, our desires, the unknown. The singer ponders who he is, and who he might become. Years of playing for "his crowd" presents many important questions for our troubedour.
I like the poem's easy-going simplicity, as well as the conflict it depicts. It also fits the prompt like a good sweetshirt on a cool evening. Nice job!
Best regards, Coolhand
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