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Hello hossam eldin  My name is Em aka Brit-Girl I am reviewing your piece on request from the lovely katherine76. If you want to thank anyone please thank her , she thought your piece has potential too! I am always honest but am never cruel so I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging!
I am reviewing your piece:
 Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
 Plot/Meaning Summary:
On an unbelievably steamy day in Egypt, a drink seller on a bus is selling ERK SOOS to cool down the passengers. A comedic approach at telling this tale is exhibited here.
 First impressions:
Interesting introduction. Though the very first thing that I took into account was numerous and noticable grammatical errors in your piece. I will be more specific in the "grammar" section of this review, but I wanted to warn you that there are many technical issues with your piece.
 Writer/Reader, Comment/Suggestions:
I found this rather difficult to read because of the multiple tech problems but I still think that the thought of this is very intreguing, and it could be a good story! I simply think htat it is a little rough at the moment...
 Technical Comments/Suggestions:
This format that you have chosen is really more like a screenplay than a short story, I would categorize it as such. Also for the characters lines you state whichever is talking beforehand, but it is a little difficult to distiguish when you change characters. I would suggest that you bold, colour, or in some way differenciate the dialog from the narration.
 For nearly every one of the commas you insert in this piece there is an uneeded space between it and the word it is separating. For example:
 Your text:
 drink seller in a bus , yes it happens , before the
 My Comment:
 you see the space after "bus" and "happens"? Those are unneeded punctuation marks. You repeat this mistake throughout your piece and I would just like to bring it t your attention that that is unnessesary. So they should look like this: "drink seller in a bus, yes it happens, before the" Okay 
 Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs
| The road to hell is paved with adverbs. |
 I also spotted these grammatical/spelling mistakes:
Your text:
It is something common in Egypt to find a drink seller in a bus , yes it happens , before the bus takes off the drink seller gets in and offers his drink for one pound or may be less , he gets in with a big wide glass bottle which is full of this black drink , the drink name is TAMR HINDI, another black drink but not as sweet as the first one and its name is ERK SOOS , some people do not like it but others and they are so many drink it because it helps them to overcome hot weather .
My Comment:
A introduction in a story is vital to capturing the reader's interest, and holding it through the rest of the story is the plot's job. You do have an interesting thought with this but I think that the grammar is severely lacking. If you cleaned this up a bit this could be the hook that will make people want to read your work! So here go my suggestions :
"It is common in Egypt to find drink sellers on bus'. So, when a ragged, middle aged man, caught a lift on a bus the event didn't disturb anyone. It was an unbelievably hot summer's day, and the passengers were well aware of this stifling fact. So when the drink seller offered his wares for less than a pound a cup, many listen to his propostition. He exhibits his stash of large glass containers and proceeds to explain the contents to the potential buyers. One bottle holds a paticularly dark drink called Tamr Hind, and the other contains the notorious Erk Soos. Erk Soos is said to be very beneficial and it also has certain "cooling" powers, supposedly...
I spotted many other grammatical errors but figured that if we could revise the introduction other reviewers wouldn't be as hesitant to check this out!
 Overall Thoughts:
I believe this is a good piece! It needs a little work but it has great potential! Always remember: keep writing...you can only become better!  And always remember: Here at WDC we are people who help. If you have any doubts on anything, there is a forum or group for you! I hope you found my review helpful and I really do think that this piece has potential. Thank you for sharing it with us here at WDC.
Em Brit-Girl
WRITE ON~!!! WRITE FOREVER~!!! |
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