This is the final review in the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
This story is the best of the three I reviewed. I think you handled the dialogue very well. It sounds natural and you broke it up well, with interruptions and detail.
It's certainly an unusual story with a heart-warming theme. I'm sure it will make most readers smile.
One suggestion I would make is that you don't need to repeat the whole story to Pete. The reader knows all this, so you can simply refer to it briefly. Something like, She told Pete the whole story..." would cover it.
As part of the raffle prize I promised to award the best of the three I reviewed an awardicon. This story will therefore be sporting a lovely red ribbon in just a few minutes.
This is 1/3 of the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
You joined an illustrious tradition when you decided to use the play within a story format for this story. Hamlet used it to capture his guilty uncle and Scheherazade saved her life with it.
I think the idea is fine, but you need to spend much more time exploring the actual plot and less time telling us about the organisation of the event.
Think to yourself, 'What is actually essential to the story?' and cut everything else.
We need to know more about the play, if you want to use the irony for the frame story. You need to build tension. The foreshadowing at the beginning, that Jimmy is Jimmy the Cracker needs more support, or else drop it. What does he do with the money? Why would the police involve so many people in this elaborate trap? Were the press involved too - surely not?
Your writing style is good and clear. I'm certain that with more attention to the details of the plot, this could make a top class piece.
This review is 1/3 of the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
The opening of this story is excellent. It's startling and intriguing.
The paragraphs describing the different characters of the daughters and then the mother's speech telling them what Dad was up to seemed stilted. It would be much better to write a proper active scene for this, and have the girls' characters show in their behaviour. Mother's speech doesn't sound natural. Read it out to yourself, and hear what I mean.
This speech, "Aleen? Yes, I'll be fine after a few days rest. ... Love to you and the girls. Bye." is too solid. A real telephone conversation would have more breaks. As it's not essential, why not replace it with indirect speech? Something like, He was allowed to ring his wife and reassure her that everything was fine and that he'd be taking the job on Guntu Island.
There are a couple of problems with trying to write such an involved story as a short story. I think you have included too many characters. Many of them are not fully developed and it would therefore be better to omit them and concentrate on a few central characters making them more real and multi-faceted. Does Frobesher really need all those daughters? I can sense that you want to say something about the nature of family, but is this story the one to do that? In fact, Frobesher's family do not need to figure in this story at all.
Secondly you tend to spend too much time describing stuff which is not very important. For instance the food and the steward's pride in the quality of the food is not pertinent to the story and could be omitted.
It would be good for you to do a little research into what is already known about aging. There is no single gene responsible for aging. I am not a scientist, but I knew this and found your story lacked authenticity because you do not use any known biology. For instance, there is a part of cells, known as the telomere. It has something to do with the reproduction of cells and with each copy, the telomere becomes shorter. This has many implications for the diseases of aging. Have a look at this Wikipedia entry to learn more about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telomere
If you incorporate some real science in your story it will immediately gain greater weight and interest.
I think you have an excellent idea here, and can tell you enjoy writing about thrilling, larger-than-life situations. I hope my suggestions will help you pull this story together.
Whether this was inspired by the (in)famous TV serial, "Lost," or not, I think you've done a good job at capturing a moment of madness.
Suggestions pounding at his pale with skinwhite, but do you need both paleandwhite?
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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This is well written and very descriptive. I have a problem with "it was all a dream," stories, as I think they have been done to death (pun?) and are universally scorned, but I think you've almost made this respectable . The echos in Samantha's life make it work well.
Suggestions my precious hold to life teeters on.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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The debate about the fallacy of intention will continue. This story examines art, intention and interpretation in a natural and meaningful way.
Suggestions
I would urge you not to use short forms like this in narrative; Though it’s been more than 7 yrs since....
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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This is an excellent story. You have written clearly and yet created a world of complex politics and believable characters. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
There is also a more mature than usual, for science fiction, theme to this story. Or maybe it's just the subtlety of the story which makes it seem more mature .
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Oooh, what a horrible story . You certainly know how to write a scary tale. This was a very good read, and although I think you could edit it down, I did enjoy your unusual style.
Suggestions
You use that too much. There are those who think the word should not be used at all . Here's an example, but you need to go through this story and cut as many as you can; There was a wide paper stall that was filled with mix-match items ... replace with: There was a wide paper stall filled with mix-match items...
There are other ways you could cut wordiness. It's a difficult discipline to master, but well worth the effort. It will improve the flow. Here's a couple of examples of what I mean: It was then, after he had placed the bottle on the counter bench and produced a five dollar bill, that he realized the abnormalities of the person standing at the check out.As he paid for the drink he noticed the abnormalities of the clerk.
The very first feature of the strange looking girl that struck Chris was her name tag. It read ZEB in black felt pen and was crooked to the left, almost vertical.The fat/cross-eyed/gawky (describe what ever it is that's strange about her) girl's name tag was pinned on at an angle, and read ZEB in bold, felt-pen letters.
I hope my suggestions are of some use to you.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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This is a very vivid story. I think you use some excellent phrases. These two particularly impressed me, I knew from the second they stuck their tongues into my mind... and a dream crept into being.
You capture the nature of insanity, very well. It is disturbingly convincing.
Suggestions
This whole world could dedicate every moment of their small lives... You need to make this pronoun agree with the subject. The world is singular, so the pronoun needs to be singular too. This whole world could dedicate every moment of its small life... but that doesn't really sound good, so I suggest you do something like this, Everyone could dedicate every moment in his small life...
A similar problem here: You see, all one has to do is to open their eyes...You see, all one has to do is to open ones eyes..., actually, I'd cut to. You see, all one has to do is open ones eyes...
You repeat the word, object too often in this paragraph - grab the nearest object...make objects grow distorted faces...Colors drained from every object...
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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The motivation for the poisoning and the murder are not sufficient in this story. I think you need to work on this aspect of the story to make it believable. In all other ways, the story is fine, but you need to make the reader believe in the plot and the characters.
People can get divorces without the consent of the spouse. You need to find some deeper cause of the wife's behaviour. What would actually make an otherwise sane person do such a thing? Money? Perhaps she has taken out a life insurance policy, and is actually trying to kill him, not just send him crazy - the problem with this is it's not very original. Psychosis? Maybe she's insanely jealous, and thinks he's having an affair - again not startlingly fresh. Revenge? Has he done something to cause her to hate him? This idea may have possibilities. I recommend you spend some time developing as interesting and convincing a story as you can. Not having a job, is simply not enough.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Brilliant. I love your sense of humour, and the Thomas' Pain pun is truly ingenious, even though I didn't know male turkey's are called toms. I thought they were cocks, and toms were male cats - but you learn something new every day.
I think you build the tension very well. I can see you are keen to develop atmosphere and on the whole you accomplish this.
The character of Clinton Bell believable.
This is a good story, it just needs some work to make it very good.
Suggestions
You need to edit this to remove unnecessary words, repetition and to tighten up all the non-specific terms. I have given a few examples, but you will find more if you read through, being ruthless.
there many incidents where Kathy was a little self centered, and here: as if she wanted to piss him off just a little more. Why just a little? I'd cut this word/phrase. It weakens the sentence and is not necessary.
...rattled the agapanthus trees lining Shafston Rd creating unusual sounds, the final phrase is not necessary, it is not specific and you have already suggested the sound by using the word rattled.
...quiet enough to hear a pin drop this is cliché, and unnecessary anyway. You have already said the street was as quiet as stone.
I had 12 yesterday, he thought bitterly. The thieving pig strikes again. This reference echos the earlier revelation that she steals his cigarettes. Why not cut that earlier sentence? This shows rather than tells, so is a better way to give the information, making the earlier sentence redundant.
...a technique his mother taught him when he was younger. When else would his mother have taught it him? When he was older? Again, I suggest cutting this phrase, or if you mean, when he was a child, write that. It would be more specific.
The wind continued to howl gently, this seems contradictory. Can wind howl gently? Here, making sounds, you're not being specific again. It's always better to describe.
...to avoid a cold or flu, to avoid catching a chill, is neater, and it uses one less word .
with her long arthritis infected fingers;arthritic.
There are a few little errors: to play tricks on eachother, each other. And here: People get them selves fired up for no good reason themselves
UNGRATEFUL HOAR!" He was spitting out the words whore. It's often better to avoid using capitals.
reviling a pail unshaven face revealing a pale....
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Oh Scarlett, this is lovely. You tell the story so well. It's funny, interesting and just creepy enough to cause a shiver down the spine of any self-respecting eater of curds and whey.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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This is a cute story. It has a naive quality which may not appeal to all readers, but has merit.
I think you need to try and use more complex sentences occasionally. If you vary the length of your entences you will give your writing a richer texture.
What do you like reading? have you tried using the style of something you admire? This can be a great way to develop a more sophisticated style.
Suggestions
cuddley black Lab "Ralph".cuddly
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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It took me a while to work out this is an Australian story, but that's my stupididty and not your problem. It's the combination of the language and the mention of "bucks" which confused me. It might be wise give an unmistakable Australian reference, right at the beginning, to clue the reader in earlier.
I loved this story. The vibrance of the language, admittedly rich in parts, was great. I didn't understand all the rugby terminology because I detest spectator sports and know very little about rugby, but I still caught the excitement of the brawl.
Some readers may have trouble keeping up with all the characters, but I decided it didn't really matter. The team was fairly amorphous, with the exception of Billy. This would make a great short film. I found it very visual and hilarious.
Suggestions Pete smiled at the crazy though of such sweet revenge ...thought.
You do this a few times; don't leave a space when using the hyphen, twelve -hour daystwelve-hour days. .
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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I was a bit confused about the age of Michael. He seemed to be a teenager, then we discover he has a booster seat. It's only a small point, but in such a short story it is significant.
The ending might need to be more clear too. I think I understand that whatever happened to the father, happened while he was fetching the donuts from the bakery, but maybe you could make that more explicit, as I think some readers may miss it.
Good luck in the contest.
Mavis Moog
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What a strange and eerie tale. I notice you had a word-count at the bottom. If this was written to this length for a contest, it might be an idea to now discard the limitation, and write it how you would without any restrictions.
I say this because I think there are parts of this story missing. We need to know about the bargain reached with the old woman, and I think the build-up needs to be developed. You could create more tension and suspense by using short sentences, and describing ever-increasing signs of something wrong. As it is, there seems to be a sudden leap to the climax.
Brad raised in brow in question. ...raised a brow...
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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I agree that the contest owner is not helping anyone understand Islam, if only entries which praise the religion are allowed. I think that's ridiculous.
This expression of your opinion seems to be carefully argued, but I wish you could find the quote from the qoran which tells Muslims to kill infidels. Without it, your point appears very flimsy.
Many ordinary Muslims would not recognise their religion as you describe it here. They, like many Christians, consider their religion to be a guide, a format for living a worthy and safe life, and would not have any plans to take over the world .
The description of Mohammed as an aggressive, warlord is very provocative. It is not really good enough to quote someone else saying this. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Why does he say this? What historical evidence does he have? Remember there are people who deny the holocaust ever happened. It seems historians are perfectly capable of drawing whatever conclusion suits their own prejudice. Without the facts, it is difficult to know how seriously to take such a claim.
Think about the stories about Jesus. Remember the story when he threw all the money lenders from the temple? Some scholars, if they so desired, could claim this is an instance of Jesus's intolerant and violent character.
You tell us that you have studied many world religions. This is very admirable. It would be more effective though, if you gave some detail about Islam showing the extent of your knowledge. What are the basic principles? What is sheria, and how important is it? What are the prophesies? Discussion of these, and other, aspects of Islam would add weight to your essay.
Personally, I have no religion. I think all religions are devisive and out-moded, but I don't think your portrayal of Islam, here, is very balanced, supported or scholarly. This is such an emotive subject, it needs careful handling.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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This is lovely characterisation of two people, separated by generations. You describe the heat and the scene very well. The dialogue sounds authentic too. I just wish there was more to this story. It was just getting going .
Errors/Edit Suggestions
“but if it was, I would shorely be asking for some cheese.”surely, and to make this joke work you should replace the second uderlined section with, cheeses. The pun being on the word, Jesus. So the line would read, “but if it was, I would surely be asking for cheeses.” Now, it's funny .
Good luck in the contest.
Mavis Moog
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I always love your stories, Bill, and this is no exception. Its menace and exploitation of a common phobia - clowns - make it a great Twighlight Zone story.
It's written with your usual professional accuracy and attention to detail.
Good luck with the contest.
Love
Mavis Moog
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This story grabbed my interest immediately. Even though it is a well-worn premise, it's one I like. There are so many possibilities.
I think you did a good job of making the classic three-wishes moral work one more time. When will we have a three-wishes with no dire side effects? It is quite galling that no-one it entitled to a little free ride .
I expected a different last line. I thought maybe the person came alive, but was still where she was...in a coffin six feet under !
Suggested Edits Roger growled in annoyance, wishing he had never met the strange man on the sidewalk. Oh well, his family was used to it. I think this paragraph is unnecessary. It seems lame, and it would be much better to end this scene with the previous paragraph.
“What a pity that your full,” you're.
It was a Roger could do to keep his face passiveIt was all Roger could do to keep his face passive.
a large cloth back in his hand.bag.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Thank you for entering the November round of "Invalid Item" .
You said this is an incredible story, and until the last paragraph I didn't know what you meant. The world is full of kind, helpful and supportive people. I know many of them.
Then the crunch comes, and yep, you're right it is incredible. I suppose there are many explanations for this very spooky revelation, but I would tend to use Occam's Razor and find one which is likely. However, it is not at all surprising that you feel the explanation you prefer is that you were talking with an angel.
I am delighted you found Norma, and that she helped you so much. You have been through a very difficult time. I am very glad you and your family survived the trauma.
You write about this in a style which is less of a short story and more of a testimonial. However, the message is clear and I'm sure it will touch many readers. Thank you for sharing.
Good luck in the contest.
Love
Mavis Moog
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Thank you for entering the November round of "Invalid Item" .
First of all, you need to be less self deprecating in the title and strap line. Remember, you want to encourage people to read this, not tell them you don't think it's very good. I suggest something like, "Shards" as a title.
This is an emotional study, and I'm sure it has a lot of deep significance for you, but as a piece of writing for public consumption, I'm afraid you need to spend some time developing it. At the moment is is too cloying. I am not wanting to in anyway belittle your deep feeling of shock and love, but you just need to write about it in a less sentimental way. It may be that you need some distance from the incident, before you'll feel ready to write like that about it.
You need to make the reader care for Jay, almost as much as you do. You need to show us his character. Then tell the story, using imagery dialogue and actions, not just sentence fragments, and charged phrases. The anguished cries and promises to God seem melodramatic, I know that may be how you felt, but without more depth, they are not effective. Remember, you are writing for an audience, and you need that audience to identify with you and Jay. Unless someone has had a very similar experience at the same time of their lives, this will not happen unless you take them right into the situation.
The imagery of the first paragraph is quite good, but unfortunately it is rather clichéd. I hate to say this, because I think it's really important to use imagery in this way and don't want to discourage you, but it really would be better to find a more striking metaphor.
Suggested Edits
Is that what you prayed for as your fell?...as you fell... or ...as your glass fell...
a knock to your head you back never broke….your
your facard was so carefully masteredfaçade.
I hope my comments are of some use to you.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Thank you for entering the November round of "Invalid Item" .
This sounded like a story inspired by the sight of the $5 bill, complete with bloodspot. Does such an object exist in the national archives? You got me believing it did .
This is well written, with acurate and clear use of punctuation. I found it easy to read and enjoyed it.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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We need to know more about the play, if you want to use the irony for the frame story. 
. The echos in Samantha's life make it work well.
. You certainly know how to write a scary tale. This was a very good read, and although I think you could edit it down, I did enjoy your unusual style. 
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