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26
26
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a moral tale, of crime and punishment, a simple story clearly delivered.

The story was accurately written, I spotted no typos or punctuation errors.

Suggestions

More description, characterization, depth would improve this story. Greater tension and suspence are needed. Increasing the pace by beginning the story with the mysterious proposition in the car-park, would help.

Making more of Lillian's moral machinations and less of the bingo session would bring more punch to the tale. Maybe Lillian could have a good reason for not accepting the deal, a relative who suffered through drugs, perhaps. This would make her greed, and ability to suspend her moral judgement more tense.

Technicalities

This time she had made sure she was early and, subsequently, had a good selection of cards from which to choose. *Right* consequently

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
27
27
Review of Rambo's Gate  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

This is more of an anecdote than a short story. The style of the narrative is relaxed, and informal, like someone telling a tale over a beer.

It is a moving and interesting story. Rambo is an example of a local character, whose heart and mind has been won by the American troops he serves alongside. Given the regular, negative news from Afghanistan, it may be surprising to learn such people exist. I worried about Rambo's safety after the American forces withdraw, but hope his resourcefulness and Gortex jacket will keep him safe.

Suggestions:

This portrait would make an excellent episode in a larger, more complex short story.

If the writing style were more narrative and less anecdotal, this story would gain greater depth, which may make further plot complexity unnecessary.

For a more professional style, you need to consider many aspects. Remove the reference to the friend, and write it from the point of view of someone who was there, but keep it third person. Create an atmosphere, mood and tone by describing a landscape. Generate the scenes and use characters, dialogue and action to develop them. Inject tension and suspense. Use a few (no more than three or four) characters, with closely-observed mannerisms, to move the story on.

If the story is written without the writer's comment it will become more moving, compelling and the patronizing flavour, which may offend some readers, will completely disappear.

This is a very brief out-line of what's involved but if you would like to learn more, read Scene and Structure by Jack M. Bickham, published by Writer's Digest Books.

Technicalities:

He was a specialist in a MP unit... For the first mention it's better to use the full term; Millitary Police.

Their job was to guard the entry control... I recommend replacing "Their" with "His" - referring to the friend, or "Its" - referring to the unit. "Their" does not agree with either of the previous nouns.

I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
28
28
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

Positives:

This is an example of good emotional writing. The fear and confusion is presented clearly. There is lots of tension and mystery.

Sugarnips *Laugh* is an hilarious pet-name. My husband wouldn't be able to run fast enough if he called me that.

Suggestions:

I make it a rule never to start a story with a character waking. It really is a very dull and over-used place to start. Similar to the, "It Was All a Dream" denouement, which I'm sure you would never use, it's a simple but important pit-fall.

Avoid cliches: His anger was clear as day. Try something more real. Listen to a man's angry, concerned voice. What happens to it? Descibe it.

There needs to be more plot development for this to be a complete short story. At the moment it is a couple of scenes rather than a story. I hope you feel like working on it, because there is potential here.

Technicalities:

Spelling: baffeled *Right* baffled.

Sentence structure: Sitting for two hours in the waiting room had been ridiculous, baffeled her even especially with all the blood seeping from a cut on her forehead. But still the men and women in tan colored uniforms and shiny badges took their good old time getting to her. This is not well crafted.

Here is a suggested rewrite. She sat for two hours in the station waiting-room, with blood seeping from a cut on her forehead. The ridiculous situation baffled her. She was injured, frightened and alone, but the people in tan uniforms and shiny badges showed no concern, no sense of urgency.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
29
29
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

Positives:

The theme of this story is a good one. Fear is an illness and it's infectious.

There are some great moments. For example, He shrieked in agony as he felt his wrist snap backwards and his hip dislocate, this is chillingly vivid.

Negatives:

The language is archaic, and out of place in twenty-first century America. Eg, "Ah, yes, burial laws. You are correct, my dear fellow," Not even the Queen speaks in such tortuous 18th century style.

Suggestions:

The opening sentence: describing the snow fallling is not a great opening, being just one step away from, "It was a dark and stormy night."

The use of the word "freefall" is erroneous. Freefall is the plummeting before a parachute deploys. A snowflake, because it is its own parachute, does not fit the freefall image.

Second paragraph: if the reception is important, why not start the story there? Open with a live scene, with dialogue. Giving the character's opinion, like this, – none of whom he particularly cared for – is not strong. It would be much better to show his dislike in his mannerisms or conversation while talking with them.

As they had droned on about their prestigious bloodlines this general description of behaviour would be fine in a synopsis, but in a story you need to be specific. Give some examples of the conversation, as part of a carefully constructed scene. When a narrator starts telling the reader what to think about characters the game is up. Remember; a writer invites the reader into his creation. He doesn't ask him to peer in through a dirty window.

Here, you have an interesting snippet of information, but it's presented poorly. Proud that he had created for himself a kind of modern-day Leichenhaus – hospitals for the dead, developed in the late 1700s, where corpses were watched for three days to ensure they were, in fact, dead

Here's a suggested alternative, Charles had modelled his contingency on the Leichenhauses of the late 18th century. Literally a corpse house, the leichenhaus was a mortuary specifically designed to allow dead bodies three days grace before burial. The Lichenhaus keepers, and Charles, were reassured that a body showing no signs of life in three days on a cold slab, were unlikely to spring to life after burial. My version makes more of a point of this fascinating piece of information, stitching it into the narrative, rather than chucking it in like a footnote.

Keep the style simple: for example, Judging by the smirking smile Andrew wore *Right* Judging by Andrew's smirk...

Technicalities:

He pressed PLAY on the stereo remote and sat motionless at his desk for a few moments, closing his eyes and listening as the sonorous notes of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 13 danced around him. There is never a good reason for capitalising whole words, but this is a very bad one. This sentence has lost its way. It can be corrected by changing "danced" to "dancing".

Scanning the myriad occupants. This is the second appearance for "myriad" in this story and neither of them are appropriate. It means uncountable or infinite. The books on a shelf and the stacks of books on the floor are not infinite. Hyperbole of this nature trivializes the narrative.

...aghast to think of the resulting consequences This is an example of tautology: "result" and "consequence" are very close in meaning. Use only one.

I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
30
30
Review of Gingerbread Heads  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This well-written story kept my attention throughout its 6,000 words.

The style is relaxed and easy to read.

Some excellent descriptive passages brought the scenes to life.

Suggestions

The opening paragraph is weak, and almost lost me. I recommend you find a better, attention grabbing start. Something like, Was he in love with his mother? would probably do it *Wink*. So many ammateur stories begin with the protagonist checking himself out in the mirror first thing one morning, it really is a yawner.

The relief was palpable and his body started to relax... This word is so over-used in this sense it has become cliché.

Peter never met his grandparents from either side... Do you mean Peter? I think it's Dario.

Apart from thiose three points, I liked it.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
31
31
Review of Storm Warning  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

Positives:

This accurate and detailed account of the responsibilities of a care-home nurse during a hurricane is a sobering read.

The tension was written into every line.

I smiled with relief at the final optimism.

Negatives:

Attention to sentence structure would improve the style, flow and clarity of this piece.

Suggestions:
Here is a suggestion for improving flow. It is only an example, but I hope it inspires. In the loud volume required by many of the hearing-impaired residents, the forecaster’s voice blared out the latest statistics on the storm. *Right* The forecaster gave the latest storm statistics at window-rattling volume, which was just loud enough for most of the residents.

If a sentence is awkward, spend time fiddling with it till it sounds right. As a general rule of thumb keep it in active voice and avoid convoluted clauses. Write as simply and concisely as you can.

The paragraph about the fire the year before, is too much too quick. It would be better in a conversation between characters, or given, very concisely, as an internal scene, through Rachel's eyes. Don't try to fit in all the details at once. It sounds forced. People don't reminisce so comprehensively, even internally. It's tricky, but to add authenticity to your writing you need to grapple with how much back-story to give, and how to give it inconspicuously.

her feelings of total helplessness made her somewhat depressed... Avoid weakening words, like "somewhat". *Right* Depressed by her sense of helplessness, she went for a coffee in the dining room.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
32
32
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

I read your bio-block so know you are a young writer.

This exciting story is full of vivid description.

The idea that a monster feels pity for his victims is good, and you explore that idea well.

You are, of course, a gifted writer, and I hope you will take these little tips as helpful stepping stones to even greater achievement.

Suggestions
I stared hungrily from the shadows with blood red eyes at my prey. This sentence opens the story. There is a problem with point of view. The first person (which means it's written with "I" rather than "he" or "she") narrator is describing his own eyes. Can you see your eyes, without a mirror?

Here's another point-of-view error, Her parents had been fighting, and she was here to escape the Hell that was her home. How did the narrator know that?

You could improve your prose by writing more actively, and concisely: A sketch pad and pencil were in her hands, she seemed intent on what she was doing. *Right* She scribbled intently in a sketchbook. It is good to avoid weakening the sentence with words and phrases like "seemed" or "appeared to be". Be sure.

Look at these examples of active and passive voice:

Active*Bullet* The man jumped over the wall.
Passive*Bullet* The wall was jumped over by the man.

Instead of the the book and pencil being held (which is passive) it's better to write the active version, She held the book and pencil. I hope I've explained that clearly enough. I'm sure you can find out more about it on the net, if you want.

I reiterated this to myself again and again as I moved from the shadows to the street. "Reiterate" means to say or do again or repeatedly. Your sentence therefore means, I said this to myself again and again, again and again as I moved from the shadows to the street. Saying the same thing twice, in slightly different ways is called tautology, and is a flaw.

I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
33
33
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

Positives:

Great build-up of suspense. This item is an exercise in tension.

Negatives:

The story was thin.

Suggestions:

Develop the plot further. I couldn't understand why the woman was so scared. If she'd seen the news story before she saw the two men, that would have helped explain it.

Technicalities:

I saw no errors. This was accurately written.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
34
34
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I picked up this item from "Please Review" .

Positives:

The vivid description works well.

I felt drawn along with the narrative, and hoped to discover what process was being described. If it weren't for the dryness, it was a good evocation of birth.

I enjoyed the ambiguity because it intrigued me - was it death or birth? Strange how the two could be envisaged so similarly. Then again, not so strange, those who believe in re-encarnation link the two regularly.

The conversation format worked well.

Negatives:

There is a certain naivete to the style of this piece.

It has no theme, and is therefore less satisfying than ideal.

Some of the language - word choices - were contrived and/or cliched.

Suggestions:

...that pillar of white hung like a stigmata behind my eyelids I found this unusual use of the word stigmata, distracting. I couldn't visualise why you linked the wounds of Jesus Christ appearing on devotee's hands, feet and forehead with a white pillar.

Beautiful – morbid. Brighter than the sun This is the second time this word appears. It's better to avoid repetition unless for effect. I couldn't discern an effect. The punctuation here is not correct. The period (full stop) after morbid should be replaced with a comma.

This phrase, I felt the world turn on its axis, is very cliched. It means little and is an example of the naivete I referred to earlier. I strongly recommend you find a fresh, concrete image here.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
35
35
Review of Park Pedaler  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The opening paragraph will have a male readership eating from the palm of your hand.

This is a well-written erotic but not pornographic story.

Suggestions

Why does Mike Murphy have the three other man with him? Sonja's plan could have gone so badly awry. I mean what if one of the other men had taken the lead in rescuing her, and Mike Murphy stood aside, or dashed off to call for help? The other characters don't serve any purpose, so scrap them.

Typo
and save out dessert for Wednesday *Right* our. I'm always making that same slip.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
36
36
Review of The Funeral  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Ooooh, a ghost story to tickle the spine.

My favourite image was My pajamas suddenly felt like they were full of spiders.

I like the large, well-spaced font, and I spotted no errors.

The plot is the weak point, from my perspective, but then I'm not a ghost story expert. I'm probably too unimaginative for them *Bigsmile*.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
37
37
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Happy memories are always pleasant reading. Thank you for sharing these special times and places with us. The warmth is overwhelming.

Suggestions

The heavy use of the conditional construction, ie, "would", is poor style and became distracting. Eg, The play clothes would be on and the world was ours. *Right* Once dressed in our play clothes, the world was ours. This is a common fault with reminiscence items. It really is worth weeding all those woulds out. The narrative will brighten.

A couple of things puzzled me, Being Baptists, we were always the last to arrive. Why? Are Baptists tardy by religion? And what does this sentence mean? The familiarity teasing our thoughts of the adventures of the day. I am not really asking you to answer me, but you should consider removing such stumbling blocks from this story. You don't want to confuse your readers.

I hope these suggestions leave things better than I found them *Wink*.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
38
38
Review of Happiness  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .
This delightful story has great potential. Being something of a fat fairy myself, I appreciated the images and theme.

You captured dystopia well. Such a bleak view of the future resonates with Orwell and Huxley. The twist of health fanaticism worked well.

Suggestions

Grammar: ecological produced clothes *Right* ecologically

I think you mean mess hall - unsettling silence in the mass hall.

This is unnecessary and labours the point, Of course this was a fact only commonly known to Sam and perhaps a handful of his fellow students. In the eyes of everyone else, the teachers didn’t really possess this ability, at least not in any measurable sense, but the boredom they induced in Sam was so excruciating that they might as well have. I would cut it, if I were you.

There is a tendency to wordiness in places, and a ruthless edit would tighten the narrative.

Line spaces between paragraphs helps readers.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
39
39
Review of Control Group  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This speculative story, set in the future, is interesting, but has a scope too wide for the short story format. It reads like a synopsis.

Suggestions

Almost all this story is told rather than shown.

The advice, Show rather than tell is not repeated as often as it is, due to some perverse collective stutter. It really is the most necessary advice to novice writers.

You need a story question right at the beginning. Give the reader something find out. The crusade against the baddies, as mentioned half way through, works as a story question but it's too late.

Avoid repetition. He was a good ally to have, especially now, and we felt very fortunate to have him on our side. This sentence boils down to, He was a trusted ally.

Be ruthless and cut all unnecessary words, eg Devices placed on building rooftops detect nervousness, What other rooftops might there be? Delete building.

Nike and Wall-Mart might not be impressed with their names being used to represent evil in this way. Even by posting this story on the internet, you are running a risk of being accused of damaging a corporate reputation. If the story were to be published in the traditional way, you would definitely need to change the names of the force of evil.

No motive was given for the protagonists final act, and I was left feeling he must be psychotic. This may be the basis for a novel, because more explanation and development is needed.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
40
40
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story has a worthwhile subject. The theme is excellent.

You explore the prejudices and torments of the three women, two social workers and the mother, in a case of contested adoption. The story is presented as a series of internal monologues, with narrative interludes.

I didn't sympathise with any of the three women. They all seemed blinkered and foolish. Mrs. Johnston, the senior social worker, shows unprofessinal levels of prejudice when she thinks, "Look at her. She’s probably high as a kite right now," as the mother walks into the court-room. Miranda evinces flagrant irresposibility by trusting her gut feeling when the safety of a child is at stake, and the mother has accepted little of no responsibility for the mess she's found herself in. Everyone places the blame squarely on the absent father. Unfortunately, this may be a true reflection of the people involved in such cases.

Actually, the all-round absent father bashing tells us something about the true point of view of this story. The empathy of the story is definitely with the mother.

Suggestions

Presented as pure monologue, without the narrative, and with the child's point of view instead of one of the social workers, this story could be much more effective.

You need to concentrate on voice. Voice is the manner of the character's expression. They need to sound very different from each other. The social worker's monologue could be in the form of a report, given in professional, detailed style, with little of no emotional content. If you are not sure what such a report would look like, research it. You can't give a whole social-worker's report because it would bore your readers rigid, but you can use the style.

Next, think about the child's needs. If you envisaged a baby, who can't speak for herself, make her older, so she can. A good story to bear in mind is The Judgement of Solomon . The child may offer the most insightful view of the situation. If the child is happy and secure with her adoptive family, she might have little interest in whether her mother cleans up her act or not. She may fear further upheaval, and dread the insecurity returning to her mother would cause her. Show how a child feels guilty for thinking about her own needs in such a way, perhaps.

The mother's plea for one more chance and assurances she will control her drug addiction, while still admitting cravings, would be better represented alongside such monologues. Should her desire to bring up her child override considerations for the child's welfare? The mother's view needs to address that issue more thoroughly.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
41
41
Review of Progression  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

For someone who surfs, or who is fascinated by surfing, this story will have many ingredients of an interesting story.

I was slightly reminded of some of the more detailed passages of "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" by Richard Bach. The intensity of the moment was often captured well.

Suggestions

I couldn't discern a story-question. What would I discover by reading this story? Why should I read on? Theme, conflict and resolution are fiction techniques, eschewed at great risk. This story needs a more complex plot, if it's to keep readers from outside the surfing fraternity interested.

Avoid repetition. The second paragraph repeats the word ridable or un-ridable five times.

and than proceeded to get totally and completely thrashed *Right* then.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
42
42
Review of Old Lady Eldridge  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story illustrates your love of language. Some of the description is wonderfully vivid. I enjoyed the colour and texture of this piece.

You use lots of imagery - metaphor and similes - which is extremely important in good prose.

Suggestions

This vivid description is great, but it's becomes tangled. Her body consisted of a short, hunch-back frame, and her head was covered in gray-brown, stringy hair, that looked as if she had been dead for decades, but came back to life in the process of her hair dying in the act of decomposition. You need to break this into smaller sentences, and keep better track of the grammar.

This happens throughout the story. A string of adjectives attached to one noun is unwealdy; ...a moderate sized, dull, yellow bricked one-story house, with large bushes stretching their limbs to keep portions of the front inconspicuous, and some of the word choices are unnecessarily ornate. Why not use the simpler, more accurate, word, hidden instead of inconspicuous?

Here's another example; ...the back yard of the old lady *Right* the old lady's back yard. Be succinct.

Take care over concord. Among is a preposition for a plural object. Community is a singular noun - among the community *Right* in the community or among the townspeople/citizens

Be careful not to offend. The simile about the old lady being like an autistic tortoise is not in good taste, and may offend some readers.

This story would be improved by taming the chaotic sentence structure and editing the unnecessary words. You have a wild imagination, and a creative energy, but now the hard work of craftsmanship begins.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
43
43
Review of Windows  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story has lots of potential. The theme is perceptive, and the description and mood-building is very good.

You clearly have an observant eye and a real talent for description and scene-setting. I hope these few pointers will help you avoid some of the errors I've made mysef, in my enthusiasm for the art *Wink*.

Suggestions

Write as succinctly as possible. Like stock reduced to essence, writing is best when ruthlessly edited. For example; drift lazily - always look for a verb to do the job of a verb and an adverb.

Fake vines drift lazily over the edges of terracotta-colored plastic planter boxes and twinkling white Christmas lights drape counterfeit tree limbs. This whole sentence needs pruning. It's the opening shot. Make it work. I accept that the detail seems irreductable, but try. [subject and verb - eg/ She noted the...] plastic vines in stone-effect troughs and flashing christmas lights on tinsel trees.

annoying "cool" kids - annoying whom? You need to introduce a point of view, a character, who's seeing this, or keep opinion out of it. A character can have reactions and opinions, but a narrator needs to be dispassionate.

...her legs have not walked this far for quite a while Now the character is there, great, but here's another tip. It's often more effective to avoid telling too much. Stick to describing what can be seen. Describe the character's actions by all means, but resist telling the reader stuff which cannot be gathered from the character's behaviour or conversation. If you write actively, like this, your story will be more compelling.

In order to get the back story in, which after-all is a very important part of this story, you may need to reconsider the starting point, or use conversation with another character to bring it out. Flash-backs are not impossible in short stories, but they are difficult to handle well.

Spelling: has been nearly worn threw *Right* through.

One of the problems of this story is that you are trying to explain how such a person reaches this state. This requires you to give the character's whole life story. Unfortunately, short stories are not ideal for this sort of subject. This would be better told, actively, as a novel.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
44
44
Review of Deep Peace  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Some great imagery in this story, which made it a pleasure to read.

The theme, or message of the story is clear and well-developed.

The old man's wisdom and the eldest boy's petulance were strongly counterpointed. I would have liked more in the way of resolution.

Suggestions

I liked this image when I understood it, but I had to read it twice: An old rickety dock rested over the water and carried on its decrepit back five shadows, it needs punctuation and maybe, a change of word order. An old, rickety dock rested over the water and on its back, it bore five shadows. "Carried" connotes movement/transportation, "bore" is about endurance, so it works better.

Speech should be set in speech marks and in a new paragraph. The father laughed and whispered in his son's ear. Keep turning the lever and make sure you pull. We've got him.

The father laughed and whispered in his son's ear.

"Keep turning the lever and make sure you pull. We've got him."

The description of the jealous rage experienced by the eldest boy is vivid and powerful, but I thought it was over-done. I hate recommending a reduction or taming of imagery, but there has to be a happy medium. This sentence, particularly, needs simplifying; Turning around, he shook his head and squeezed his fists into bizarre plum colored objects. The phrase, "bizarre plum-colored objects" is vague yet extreme. Also, don't hands go white when squeezed into a tight fist?. Try something like this, ...squeezed frustrated fists, hidden within over-long sleeves.

Cutting Flotsam

Words like "that," some prepositions and most forms of the verb "to be" are often dispensable. I call these words flotsam. Make every word earn its keep.

Tumbling hills that swept through vibrant green valleys and a river that branched from the lake like the limb of a tree and stretched through the ages, cut "that" in both cases.

He stood there and wondered if the mist would soon clear.cut "there."

Then he felt his hands ache... *Right* His hands ached...

Avoid Abstraction

Abstract description should be avoided. It doesn't help the reader see what the writer wants him to see, but rather dulls the image.

For example; this sentence is superficially pretty, but when examined carefully, the meaning is vague. An aura of promise radiated from the blissful spring that had begun to surge through the boy's body. How did this appear to an onlooker? How could anyone tell the boy was experiencing such a feeling? Make the experience real by using concrete images, not abstract flimsiness. A breeze ruffled the boys hair. He detected the scent of hyacinths. His cheeks glowed pink and sunlight sparkled on his white teeth making glee-stars, exactly like the ones flashing from the ripples on the lake. This is only an example. Your images will be completely your own.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
45
45
Review of BREAD  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This description, near the beginning, is wonderful. There is nothing quite as satisfying as a slice of hot bread.

Oh, so soft inside. . . Like a pillow to dream on.

I loved the warmth of this story. It's hard to believe this isn't based on a real person. The detail is so real.

I tap the bottom of a loaf to check it's baked through, too.

Suggestions

The seventh paragraph has three sentences beginning with, "I remember..." This might be for effect, but it seemed laboured to me.

This is a tiny typo: After that, not only I was away from everything I had known until then, *Right* was I.

Good luck in the contest.

love

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
46
46
Review of The Key  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I saw this story featured on the Horror Newsletter.

Positives:
This has a mystical plot, in The Da Vinci Code mould.

It is a very short story, with lots happening.

Negatives:
There is a great deal of telling rather than showing in this story.

For example, It stood on a pile of people, all of which were reaching for the sky in a desperate search for the God that they had abandoned in life. This description is too directive. Let the readers decide what the people are stretching up for. Maybe you could show their desperation by describing their faces; mouths open, and hollows for eyes.

The back story is essential to the plot, but is unweildy. Is there some other way of presenting this information - maybe in a conversation, or a letter?

____________________________________________


Suggestions:

When choosing a setting it is important to research carefully.

I live in England and didn't understand what you meant here; I started the engine and left for the motel I was staying at. It was an old Inn. England had many and this was one of the oldest. It had no church, but I didn't mind. It was at least in driving distance to the chapel. Is he staying in an inn or a motel? These are two different types of establishment. An inn is a public house with bedrooms (possibly en-suite, but often with shared bathrooms) above. Food will be served in the bar or a small restaurant attached to the bar. A motel is exactly like you have in America - Travelodge or Holiday Inn.

There is hardly a village or hamlet in England which doesn't have a church, often two or more. Many of them have fallen into disuse, and have been converted to homes, but it would be a very small settlement which didn't have some kind of church within it's boundaries. I live in a village of under 1500 population, and we have an Anglican main church and a Methodist chapel; both struggle to get bums on pews, but they're open nevertheless.

Catholic churches are never called chapels. That term is reserved for Methodist, United Reform, Presbyterian, Wesleyan and sometimes Baptist churches. Some grand houses have private churches within the building, and these are called chapels, and can be Catholic, but they are not separate buildings, just tiny, private rooms, with an altar and some benches. No one would expect an inn to have a private chapel. Only massive, stately homes would have such a place.

When I arrived I was walking through the colossal building... Arrived where? This follows a mention of how the church is driving distance, so the reader naturally assumes this sentence refers to arriving at the church. It later becomes clear this is intended to be the arrival at the inn. Inns are not collossal buildings. I think you need to upgrade this priest to a country-house hotel. These are often grand house conversions, and more suited to your purposes.


Technicalities:

Avoid using non-words like "bit" as in, I thought it was a bit strange. There is always a better word or expression available, or simply cut it out. This is a suggested rewrite; I noted the coincidence but realised the numbers on the key matched the time on the clock no less than twice a day. A touch of humour would lull the reader into a troubled sense of security *Wink*. This rewrite also emphasises the number-match; drawing it to the readers' attention.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
47
47
Review of A shopping bag  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
You asked me to read and review this story.

Positives:

This story is touching. The desperate condition of the main character, Joan, is described with sincerity.

The conflict of Joan against the weather, and the soggy paper bag, helps the structure of the story. The resolution of the aid offered by strangers is also good structural technique.

Negatives:

Apart from wondering if Joan would make it to the hostel, there is little for the reader to care about. There is not enough complexity in the plot.

Suggestions:

Joan stood irresolute. this is telling us rather than showing us how Joan stood. Was she standing tall, hunched, staring ahead, glancing at her watch...? Imply the character's state of mind by describing her actions and mannerisms. This will ensure a more lively narrative.

If you feel the back-story is essential, it needs to be incorporated more smoothly. This usually needs dialogue - either Joan telling someone about her past, or some characters talking about Joan's past.

...and dragged the sac along behind her. *Right* sack, unless you meant to have the French word for some reason.

Watch out for rambling sentence structure. There are three conjunctions, a comma and some unnecessary words in this; Joan dragged her feet along under her, the wet and cold ate at her and she felt the strong desire to sit down on the curb and go to sleep. *Right* Joan dragged her feet. The wet cold ate into her. She needed to sit on the curb and sleep. (and it hurt me to spell curb like that, because we spell it kerb in England *Bigsmile*)

Finally the paper gave way to the inevitable and the bottom split wide open; her few clothes and the broken TV spilled out onto the pavement. *Right* Finally, the bottom of her bag split wide open. Her possessions fell to the pavement.

You need to set up more of a story-question, or write a very much more vivid character study. Sometimes, a character study can carry a story, but it has to be fascinating, meaningful and preferably have a theme. A theme is a point, which can be illustrated by the events/relationships/outcomes of the story.

I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
48
48
Review of Connor and I  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Yuck! Yuck, yuck yuck yuck! Granola bars Schamola bars!

*Laugh*

This is an excellent story, if you like this sort of stuff. The drivel two teenagers, in love, talk is captured here in utter, technicolour realism - I say again, "Yuck!" A good exercise in realistic characterisation and dialogue, all the same.

The incessant chatter about Granola bars reminded me of Benedick and Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing - now, there's a compliment *Smile*.

You describe the excitement and madness of infatuation perfectly.

All this taking place on a beach too. How many more symbols could we wish for? The swell of the waves and sultry sunshine brought visions of From here to Eternity crashing and swirling back...you may be too young to remember that one, but you can Google it.

I'm sure your teacher cannot fail to spot the hard work and talent that's gone into this story, but like me, she'll probably hope you choose a less disgusting subject next time round.

Suggestions

I spotted no errors, except for, the last-but-one sentence. "Connor and I" is not a sentence. Instead of the last two periods, use dashes.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
49
49
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Very funny.

I had to look up s'mores in a dictionary; and decided they sound nauseatingly sweet. I suppose they have that name because some people love them so much they always want s'more.

Great characterisation in this story. You really bring each child to life, and Victoria is a work of art.

This would make a great tag line, but it's too long. It made me laugh, As I whittled away, it occurred to me that I was about to fashion these sticks into what amounted to small spears and hand them to a bunch of excited, puerile savages.

Suggestions

This is two sentences: String him up it will teach him a lesson. *Right* String him up. It will teach him a lesson.

I would cut the last two words of the story, if I were you. They don't add anything and they are too harsh.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
50
50
Review of The Kiss  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a story which would make an excellent short film, shot in misty black and white perhaps. I enjoyed the tension and the misdirection, no matter how improbable the ending, I enjoyed it.

The Kiss is not very far from me, in Liverpool, at this very moment. I have never seen it. This story might have inspired me to make the journey this weekend.

Suggestions

If I had one regret in life, it would be that I don’t remember the first time I saw the woman who would change mine. This is a good opening, as it set up the story-question, "How did she change his life?" - and we do assume "his" - but it's awkward. I suggest a slight tweek: If I have one regret in my life, it's that I don't remember the first time I saw the woman who change it.

A small point it may seem, but I think the museum staff would refer to one of the world's most famous sculptures by its name. She comes to this room every Thursday morning and just stares at that sculpture *Right* The Kiss.

What is this woman's name? Sophie Robinson or Alison Edwards? I worked it out in the end, but it is confusing. You need to find a way to make it clearer, earlier.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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