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Review of "PADDY DWINK"  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The conversational style of this story is worth working for. I understand the intention to write like an expert story-teller would speak. I have given some tips on how better to achieve this under suggestions.

I love the idea of a cheeky rapscallion charming his way through life, and think you have a great character here.

The warmth of this story, or rather series of stories, is unmissable.

Suggestions

The word 'wagon' is repeated too much in the first paragraph. The phrase,'this wagon' is also repeated from the end of first paragraph in first sentence of second paragraph. The repetition spoils the opening of the story.

In the second paragraph four consecutive sentence begin with 'He would' .

Much of this story is written in passive voice. This makes for a turgid read, and should be avoided. As a rule of thumb, it is wise to avoid using the verb 'to be' with participles, and 'would' or 'could' as much as possible. This gives the narrative a much livelier pace.

This is far too long a passage giving details of a character's appearance. He always looked the same, never changing his appearance. Red and black plaid pants of heavy wool, bright-red suspenders, a dark-green coarse wool shirt with rolled up sleeves, and a pair of Gold wire framed glasses balanced on the end of his nose. One lens was broken and patched in several places. He bit down hard on the end of a very large deep bowled, hand carved Irish pipe, which I think had never been seen lit. It is better to include details of appearance one by one, sprinkled amongst the dialogue and action. Many readers cannot be bothered to plough through such dense description.

Consider beginning this story at Chapter 2.

You pepper the narrative with 'Well,' or 'Now.' This is fine, as it adds a flavour of Irish brogue to the voice, but it often signals a fresh subject, so use it to start paragraphs. Here's an example of where a new paragraph should have started, Well, Paddy arrived very early and unhitched his horses and set them out to pasture in a nearby field.

You need to devise a story question which will be posed at the beginning of the story. 'Will Aunty marry Paddy Dwink?' for outrageous example. Then each scene should move towards the answer, in as direct or convoluted as way as you like. This is how you give structure to a short story and keep the reader fascinated throughout.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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77
77
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

First of all, Bill, I have to remark on that wonderful photograph of you and your children, which you posted with your en-tree.

This story is beautifully written. The portrayal of native American mythology and lore seemed authentic and sensitively presented.

Your writing made me care about the characters, which means I was moved by their demise.

I was particularly entranced by the use of the deer-call as an identifying motif. This was a clever and poignant device. Naming the boy Pup was another stroke of genius. It added pathos.

Suggestions

I think word choice needs attention here; a large, dark-red blotch stained the white fabric at his side . The word blotch is informal, and it spoils the mood of the paragraph. This is my suggestion, a large, dark-red stain marred the white fabric at his side.. I know you want to avoid passive voice here, and it's tempting to write, "The white fabric at his side was stained dark-red" - but probably best to avoid that too *Wink*.

This phrase confused me; Night Bear slapped the bound man hard across the face sending rivulets of water shooting out in all directions. What water? There was an empty canteen at the prisoner's feet, but how would a slap across the face send rivulets shooting anywhere?

Important Note
There was no September round of this contest. It appears you have entered this round more than once, which was an easy mistake to make. I apologise for any confusion caused by my wee break. I will take this story as your entry, and the other entries will need to be made again, for those stories to be reviewed and considered for future prizes.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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78
78
Review of Lessons  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This was my favourite image, The flames burst from beneath the couch and licked around the table like ripples along the sides of a boat.

This story ran like one of those gritty Ken Loach films in my mind's eye. I enjoyed the read, but thought it could be condensed a little.

I guess it was Rob who went completely off the rails *Wink*.

Suggestions

“Well, get out of here then you stupid kids, and don’t let me catch you in here again.”

“Or I’ll call the police.” He added, threateningly. This is all one speech so it should be in the same paragraph. Maybe you could insert a speech tag between the phrases, to get the added effect.

down stairs *Right* downstairs (one word).

It opened in the way,/ there was no way we could bash it open from in here and we couldn’t start swinging the hammer around outside,/ someone would see or hear us for sure. This is three sentences, at least. I've inserted obliques where you should put fullstops. I also think non-Scottish speakers may find, It opened in the way, difficult. I suggest, It opened inwards.

...he griped a bundle of matches... *Right* gripped.

I could tell that our adventures in pyromania were over for good. This would be more dramatic, I could tell our career as arsonists was over for good, (always cut "that" if possible).


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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79
79
Review of The Best  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

As I have always found the obsessive sporting nature difficult to admire, the theme of this story appealed to me. The idea that yearning to be the best is ultimately futile is well presented here.

I see a potential problem though. The subject matter and the building of suspense will appeal to the genuine sports enthusiast, whereas the message is anti-competitive. The most likely readership will therefore be irritated by the theme. I think you need to identify the intended audience and decide what influence that should have on the story.

Suggestions

The word-count could be substantially reduced. Scrutinise your sentence structure for ambiguity or inaccuracy and cut all repetition and wordiness.

Examples
*Bullet*These two sentences could be edited to one and the first sentence has ambiguous syntax. His true love was bowling. Bowling was his life and nothing else mattered. The first sentence could mean the person he loves was bowling. It would be better to write, Bowling was his true love. The second sentence is repetition and adds nothing. I recommend you cut it.

*Bullet* Avoid tautology - saying the same thing twice, using different words. There were myths and urban legends about Johnny when he suddenly disappeared from the bowling scene while still in the prime of his career. This sentence loses its way, but the tautology is the start of the rot. This is my suggested re-write, Urban legends surrounded Johnny's sudden disappearance from the sport, at the peak of his career.

________________________

Always choose the simplest word available, unless you need to avoid repetition.

Examples
*Bullet*...opening up the Chinese take out he had purchased on the way... This word choice sounds unnecessarily pompous. There is nothing wrong with the word, bought.

*Bullet*He pulled into the barren parking lot devoid of any people or cars. *Right* He pulled into the empty parking lot.



____________________

Typo: ...one of the foosball tables... *Right* football.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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80
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This shocking story is simple in its plot and theme.

The characterisation was good. I liked the details; the family around the table and the warmth of the humour.

The climax of the story was bold, brash and shocking.

The conclusion suggested hope.

This story could be improved by greater depth and complexity. This may be difficult in a short story.

Suggestions

“Now common, we’re hungry is all, I suggest c'mon here.

This typo made me laugh: "...With all them pees dripping from your mouth.” *Right* peas. I know you knew that *Wink*.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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81
81
Review of The Next Victim  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

It was such a refreshing change to read a detective story. Mysteries seem so rare on WDC. You write very well. There is lots of dialogue and clear scene-setting. I felt involved with the characters and the story from the start. It was a like watching a Murder-She-Wrote *Bigsmile*.

I Loved the pearl industry detail. It was very convincing.

Suggestions

The baddie was too obvious, from the beginning. You even give him a hawkish appearance in the first paragraph. The strap-line gives the game away too. I think you need to throw a few red herrings around, to keep us guessing.

Nuts and Bolts
...as if it was coming from under the sidewalk. *Right* were (conditional case).

This may be the normal expression in your vernacular, but it sounds disrespectful to me, ...the thin Chinese with lips curled into a constant smile. I would always refer to a man from China as a Chinese man or maybe a Chinaman. It's probably just an English/American thing. I am inconsistent, eg: I do talks about Americans and Englishmen, and not American men and Englishes. It's strange, isn't it? *Bigsmile*

...France and married a his Polynesian father.

As soon as Antoine left, Cassie slipped out again, avoiding to be noticed by the servants. This sentence seems awkward to my ear. I suggest, A soon as Antoine left, Cassie slipped out again. She was careful not to be seen by any servants.


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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82
82
Review of Forgiven  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The character development and imaginative scene setting shows great promise. However, it is not a short story. There is no theme and the scope is far too wide.

Suggestions

There are moments of telling not showing in this, otherwise well-written, story which you should edit. It is far better to describe the physical appearance of an emotion on a character's face, than to tell the reader how the character is feeling.

For instance: Irritated and confused, he turned on his heel and strode away quickly. This would be better like this, He lowered is eyebrows, which caused fleeting creases between them, before he strode away quickly. It may seem more long-winded, but it makes your character more real. You could do it more succinctly like this, He frowned briefly before striding away. You will notice I have omitted, turned on his heel. This is because it is a cliche, and should be avoided.

This phrase is confusing, Ashelyn couldn’t perceive any of Jasson’s intentions or feelings... You have just described Jasson as irritated and confused. Are you saying the other character present could not see this? In that case, you have a point of view conflict. You must told us about Jasson's feelings from his point of view, and now you're telling us Ashelyn's feelings from her point of view. It would be far better to avoid this paradox. If you stick to the description of what would be seen by a reader present in the story, as per the example above, you will solve this problem. I find it useful to imagine I'm making a film. If it cannot be shown on film, it cannot be conveyed to the reader.

He smiled slightly as he heard Ashelyn stop immediately behind him. *Check2* Good, you got it right here *Bigsmile*.

My second piece of big advice is to think hard about whether this is really suitable for the short-story treatment. There is a paragraph where the narrative leaps ten days. The period where the two characters are getting to know each other is skipped. The reason you do this is you cannot go into all that detail and still call your work a short story. Short stories should finish as close to their beginning as possible. In other words, short stories do not usually stretch over days, let alone weeks of action.

Basically this is a prologue for a much longer work.


Nuts and Bolts

Consider changing the speech tag here. "No!" she burst out. "No!" she said, is better.

You can increase tension by cutting the words, unopposed and tension-filled, here; letting the statement hang unopposed in the tension-filled air. Shorter sentences are more tense.

Consider the word-choice here; ...her voice became queenly *Right* regal, or haughty. You could cut it completely and leave authoritive to do the job alone. There is something gauche about the word, queenly, which detracts from its meaning.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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83
Review of My Epitaph  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This award-winning item contains some vivid imagery. It is the story of a river from birth to death. How sad this river never made it to the sea.

Suggestions

The spacing needs some attention. Leave a line-space between paragraphs. This helps readers, who may be reading from a screeen.

Some words can be trimmed: ...my epitaph, that no one will ever see It is unusual for the word "that" to be essential.

The course of this river is confused. At one point it carries logs and will transport them to the sea. Then later the river peters out in the desert. It can't take logs to the sea and dry up in a desert.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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84
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not just saying this because I'm a recent recipient of a beautiful purple ribbon from your kind offices, but when I came here to check it all out, I was genuinesly impressed by such a great idea.

I think I will copy you, and know you'll be glad.

It's also a great way for any new member to find a selection of pre-selected, enjoyable reads.

I know we don't all have the same taste, but it's certainly helpful to follow recommendations, especially after we've learnt to trust a particular critic. I will begin at the beginning and read all you have awarded here. It may take me some time, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the journey.

Thank you.

Love

Mavis Moog
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85
Review of I, Katrina  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this personification of Hurricane Katrina.

You're right when you say, such tragedy is not often viewed from a non-human point of view. So the irony of making Katrina human is sweet *Smile*.

The structure of the poem; distinct stanzas, correctly managed, and often beginning with the declaration, "I, Katrina," works very well.

The refrain helps to bind the poem; it may even evoke a wave-like pace, not dissimmilar to the action of a tropical storm. This effect is reinforced by the repetition of "queenly robed", giving a circular shape to the whole piece.

Imagery is your speciality, Kare, and this poem is no exception. Wonderful imagery throughout.

Language caught me unawares in places. I found "a dog's last woof," incongruous. Was this intended?

It's the quality of the word "woof" which distracted me. It's too soft, I think. I can understand you may have intended a contrast here, with the harshness of the previous lines, "oak" and "crack", "wrench", "roof" and "crash" give that splitting and roaring sound well. "Roof" works with the "r" sounds generally, where "woof" is a gentle flop.

I understand the meaning here, but thought the sonics were compromised: upstart structures.

You mean the buildings are insolent in their attempt to appear important against the strength of a hurricane. The word "upstart" gives that, but the repetition of "st" makes the phrase sound strong. I think you could find softer, assonant words, which would magnify the flimsiness of the buildings.

Love

Mavis



86
86
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I enjoyed this story and can appreciate the amount of careful plotting that went into it. The narrative is well presented and clear.

This would make a good comic book story because it's fast moving and plot-rich.

It's a lean style which may benefit from more camouflage. I guessed the ending fairly early on, and there was no attempt to disguise the direction the story was taking.



Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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87
87
Review of Bacon  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a silly story with lots of clever observations. I loved the way Grandfather Bob said it was nothing to do with the Communists, in his note.

I also understand, I suspect, where this surreal tale came from. I have vegetarian friends who admit the one challenge they have to their resolve never to eat meat, is the smell of cooking bacon. It is a supernaturally powerful aroma *Bigsmile*.

This story will be enjoyed by everyone with a whacky sense of humour who likes comic action and is not looking for anything too sophisticated.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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88
Review of The Eye  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Love the name, Darling Munroe, and the immediate irony of it.

The succinct style, giving us something important in every sentence, is very welcome and refreshing. I particularly liked how you show us the rifle and ammunition; very neat*Wink*.

Excellent beginning to a story. By the time I reached the first break (why the % sign?) I was hooked. You set up the story questions very well.

The description of the first meeting with the eye, and the wonderful shock of, Then it opened...and all hell broke loose, is priceless.

The scene with the parents and the cookies is very well done. It shows us all we need to know about them.

Overall the vivid, gory detail is superbly done, and was so over-the-top is was humorous. The final pun-based denouement was perfect. It effortlessly melded the dark (even sick) humour with a slightly more worthy message.

Suggestions

Is the back-story really essential so near the beginning? Actually, this back-story is not needed, as it's all given in various ways throughout the story. I'd start the second section here, He staggered out of the crowded bar grumbling... under a subheading: Two Hours Earlier.

When the story about Scot, Marion Pinkly, the drug dealing and the foil-lining of bedrooms, comes in, you switch to telling rather than showing. Why not treat this as bona-fide flash-back and give it your full writing talents? Or just use the dead Marion Pinkly and Scot to show the back story, like the parents do in the cookie scene.

Typos

...when Darling felt a crushing weight pressed him flat to the sidewalk *Right* press.

There was no around as electric machine bells rang ... *Right* ...no one around...

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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89
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a great plot. I particularly liked the phone call at the end from the mother. That made me laugh.

Suggestions

as if it was her own *Right* were (conditional case).

The first part of the story really needs to be more active. The telling (rather than showing) of the story makes for dull reading. Let the story unfold more naturally. This can be achieved by describing the characters actions and conversations only. Avoid the temptation to give internal thoughts for Annie, or any other character. Try to show the back story only through action/facial expression/dialogue, just like you did with the final scene.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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90
90
Review of R U COMING?  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

You wrote this:
I'm not sure if this is the type of story you're looking for... If it isn't, just delete it.

Your message on the post was very negative, you know. Of course I wouldn't delete an entry. This contest is a means for WDC members to gain some recognition of their work, and a serious, honest review. Even if I don't think a story is perfect - and very, very few are - I'm glad to read it.

Your story is a very poignant one. The emotional writing is strong.

Spoiler Alert
The rest of this review will give away the ending of this story, do not read it unless you've read the story first.


There are some mixed messages there too, which may be disquieting for some readers. The delight in her beauty amongst the whooping of the predominantly male audience does seem inappropriate for a father. I think you were trying to keep the reader guessing, but can you see it might be more than a little creepy? A father would not feel jealous of her smiles, that would be the feeling of a lover. A father would feel protective, and you don't seem to express that.

The message of this story is about family bonds, yet the confusion of the setting hints at disfunction and maybe abuse. I'm not sure if this is deliberate, but I doubt it.

Ask yourself where this story came from. Is it based on a true episode in someone's life? Or is it a means to express something important to you? Maybe it's a speculation triggered by something very minor, like people watching. Whatever the inspiration, you need to clearly define - in your mind - what point you want to make, and what's the best way to make that point. Is the ambiguity of the relationship between daughter and father effective in this story?

When you've centered the story where you need it, you may like to think about the possible audience/readership, you hope to attract. The title "R U Coming" is not very attractive. The text-message spelling is an immediate deterrent for many, and there is a coarse connotation to the phrase. Again, I'm sure you did not intend this, but you need to be aware of it.

I hope I've explained this clearly enough, and that my comments are of some use to you.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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91
Review of The Lost Balloon  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The richness of the satire in this piece is manifold *Wink*.

I loved it, and saw many interesting analogies within it.

I think some readers might not understand the humour immediately and judge from the first couple of paragraphs that this is pompous nonsense. I suggest you overcome this possible problem by editing your strap-line to something which gives more of a clue to the nature of the story. Something like, In which a red balloon is invested with the significance of a life, or something similar.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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92
92
Review of REVENGE  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Given the subject of this story, I hope I have your permission to judge it for the contest. And, I promise, I do not hate you *Bigsmile*.

Some of your phrasing is very good. I particularly like this, holding the dreamless in rent-controlled prisons. It is succint, vivid imagery. I liked the double edge of "dreamless." It could mean sleepless, which implies harried and beleagred lives, and it also means lacking ambition. This is an example of ambiguity being exploited effectively.

I liked the way you handled this too; He pulls back the curtain and there it is, the dream maker, this created intrigue.

Suggestions

The opening needs to be stronger. Too many stories begin with the main character waking up one morning. Even professional writers do it, but please take my advice and try to avoid it. Much better to start with an event, which will change the status quo for your protagonist. Something to ensnare your reader.

Occasionally, the narration slips into incongruous formality, He always watches her for he fears she is not safe out there all alone. He would not tell Sherry that he watches her, for she might think he is just creepy. Even though this is third-person narration , the language should resonate with the character. You are, after all, giving insight into his motivations and feelings. I recommend you edit these sentences to sound more in keeping with the character. You could trim unnecessary words at the same time. Here's an example of what I mean, He watches her because she's not safe, out there alone. If Sherry knew he watches she might think him creepy, or something like that. I'm sure you could come up with something better.

The insane buzzing drags him kicking and screaming from his dreams, this is a weak expression and it's cliche. I'd cut it if I were you.

This story has a great deal of promise. Unfortunately for you, and maybe now for me *Worry*, you need to invest more time on polishing the denouement. The plot's there, but it's as though you grow tired of the story, and rush far too quickly to the conclusion. At the point where we find out who the woman is...(I'm trying not to spoil it for other readers) you need to put the brakes on.

I think you should consider writing the whole thing in first person, rather than changing the person near the end. First person will have the added advantage of allowing the internal monologue to be more credible, and less open to criticism of telling rather than showing.

Check for typos, accumulation of grim *Right* grime.

Now, please don't come and hunt me down. I hope you found my comments of some use.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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93
93
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I read this story after it featured on the Horror Newsletter.

This story would make a good Twilight-Zone story. It was short, to the point and very gory.

In the body of the night, the great heart of horror beat slowly in Cameron. I loved this line, and thought it reflected the melodrama of the story. It would make an excellent strap-line.


Suggestions

The following blows were probably unnecessary; the first wound would have killed him, but Cameron struck again and again anyway, just for the hell of it. This is giving too much narrator's opinion. just for the hell of it is particularly telling not showing. I recommend you cut all the underlined section.

...while the other dangled loosely on his cheek, punctured and free of its socket, again, I think you should cut the unnecessary phrase.

...and swards of shrubbery *Right* swathes is more fitting. A sward is an area of green, low-cut vegetation, usually grass, but sometimes moss or camomile. Shrubbery is small bushes, so the two nouns seem to conflict.

Cameron could feel the man’s stench-filled breath This should be active, and I have a suggested improved word choice, *Right* Cameron felt the man's reeking breath.

He didn’t remember writing anything last night, and yet, there it was. Here is another opportunity to show more than tell. How would he behave, as someone who didn't remember writing with the pen the night before? What would his facial expression be, his movements? Imagine you're directing a film, rather than telling a story.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about, done very well, He lolled back in his chair, holding on as a thin froth of drool formed at the corners of his mouth; his feet twitched aimlessly. Then a long, dying sound escaped his throat, and his eyes rolled up in his head, revealing bulging, glistening whites.

There needs to be some tying up of ends. Why did the murder of the agent, Teller, bring about the attack on Cameron? This needs to be explained somehow, within the context of the story.

Love

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Papa  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have been reading more of your portfolio.

I must disagree with one line in this poem, straight away, there are some things
which can't be written,

I've not found such a thing yet *Smile*. Some things may be more difficult to write about or to convey in writing, but there is always a way.

Structure

This poem starts here.

Instead I stood outside
in the cold
and screamed at God
while my fingers got numb.

I thought of you,
mocked by your oxygen tank,
forced to breathe from a little yellow cylinder,

and I screamed again

and again

and again.

Wordless, hopeless screams
dissipated in the air
like the breath-steam leaving my mouth,

like the oxygen leaving your tank,

like the tears leaving the eyes
of everyone who ever loved you,

and I didn't have to wonder
what it's like
when a great man dies.

I would cut all the stuff about wanting to write. It is a well known rule of poetry and fiction; don't write about writing. Of course it's alright to break rules, but try not breaking them first.

I think you should examine the enjambement. Is there a reason for the line-breaks you've chosen?

Reasons might include;
*Bullet* meter - in regular verse each line should have a set number of metrical feet. This does not apply to free verse, although rhythm will still play a part.
*Bullet* emphasis - to emphasise a particular word or idea, by leaving it on the end of a line.
*Bullet* misdirection - to play with the meanings of the words, and to create a feint.
For example,
I took a bow
Fixed to the casket.
*Bullet* natural sentence structure.

It is best to follow natural sentence structure unless another reason for line breaks overpowers it.

Content

I felt the power of the emotion in this poem. The desperation; gasping for air. Grief and dying share the need for gasping for air, so that is a good image.

May I ask, why were you outside allowing your fingers to become numb? You weren't smoking were you? If you were, use it. That would have a strong resonance and help the image of steaming breath/smoke. It would also add the tension of the health issues.

Maybe the greatness of the man needs further exploration. So far, we are just told of it. Examples of the greatness would be very useful.

Language

I appreciated the consonance of little yellow cylinder. It has a peevish twist to it. I recommend you use this sort of technique more. It would help your words say more than their face value.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
95
95
Review of Johanna  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This is an excellent piece of work.

The voice is extremely authentic, and yet not intrusive as so often can be the case. I loved the imagery; sound bleeding into the closet, and the painfully crisp detail of the dying faun.

There's mystery, edginess and close observation in this piece.

Suggestions

The first paragraph belies the quality of the story. It is correct in form and style, and it is in the voice, but it's not striking enough. I think I'd be tempted to cut it to the bone. Consider making it a very succinct, introductory paragraph, to pitch the reader into the story.

The ending was oddly abrupt. I think there needs to be some conclusion.

Please separate paragraphs with lines spaces. It makes it much easier on screen-weary eyes.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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96
96
Review of The Stash of Gold  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I love this story. It is an allegory and it works perfectly.

I enjoyed the voice of the story. The characterisation is great.

Suggestions

I think the introduction is too long. The story should start at the tipping point, and that's when we learn of the gold. This is the point where the interest of the reader is caught, so why run the risk of letting them off the hook? Start with the snag.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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97
97
Review of Spiked Coffee  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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This story has a promising atmosphere. The sense of loss and mistrust is very clear. I liked the light-bulb detail. It made it seem like she was in a cell. This was appropriate and later, you describe her life as like being held hostage.

Suggestions

I did not appreciate the spiked coffee motif. It was not fully explained, and I think the reader deserves an explanation. How was the coffee spiked? I understand the final reference, the coffee representing a temptation to do her ex harm, but even that is vague, and could do with sharpening.

Did you change person (from you to he and back again a couple of times) on purpose? I don't think it's a good idea. It distracts the reader, and anything which does that should be avoided.

The paragraph about how she was given the mug is not necessary, and served as another distraction.

“It’s been too long since…,” he expired, shaking his head and looking down... Yes, strictly speaking, expire means breathe out, but it is an archaic definition. It more commonly means die. I would change this to exhale, or better still, said.

This is not a sentence, I realized then that my mug still hanging in the air, near my lips. There's a verb missing.


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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98
98
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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Quotes from the story are given in rose.

I can see from the style of your writing that you are in love with the art. Your fondness for portmanteau words is fun, and I enjoyed many of them.

A short story needs to encourage the reader along, from intriguing opening through compelling narrative to satisfying conclusion. Within that framework there is plenty of scope for great writing. Imagery and insightful observation are essential, but they must be concrete and succinct.

"The constancy irked him pleasantly." This sentence irked me unpleasantly. What does irked pleasantly mean? Don't answer me; just understand that this sort of oxymoron is not clever, it's just irritating and will lose readers.

By the end of the first paragraph I was drowning in abstractions. If I had been reading for pleasure, rather than to judge a contest, I would have stopped reading here. Limit yourself to two or three abstract images per half million words, and you will vastly improve your writing. Concrete images and concepts are essential.

The story picks up greatly at the point, half way through, where we learn of the mother under the floor-boards.

Too soon, it's off again into pretentious fairy-dairy land, "Before his curse, infinite eons had been spent conversing with God. Infallible, smooth liquidity flowed in the Word, in the beginning. Soundless, spherical utterances issued from the divine mouth."

I know this is a harsh review, and I really do not wish to be unkind, but if you really want to be successful with your writing, please accept my criticisms as helpful advice.

I strongly recommend you think again about the purpose of a short story.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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99
99
Review of CRITIQUE  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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This has a very distinct voice. It sounds authentic. I like the detail when it's given. The casual description of the girl was extremely well observed. It's exactly what someone like that would say about a woman.

Suggestions

THE DEW DROP IN, it is better to use conventional case, *Right* The Dew Drop Inn. Caps are unnecessary. You need another 'n' on inn.

chatin up this girl *Right* chattin'.

There is a little rule you've broken here, and that's one should never write fiction about writing. You have dipped a toe so slightly into that can of worms, that I'm sure you'd be excused by most. Oh, and be sure never to mix metaphors *Wink*

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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100
100
Review of Love You To Death  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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This is a very powerful story. It is a challenge to depict strong emotions without being too melodramatic. This story is moving but could be improved by better characterisation and letting the characters and events show the story, rather than the large amount of back-story telling there at the moment.

It would become a longer story, but that should not be a problem.

Suggestions

Particular attention should be paid to building the atmosphere of the protagonist's childhood in a violent home. Intense detail brings a story alive, but be careful to keep it succinct. choose a particular event in the childhood and make it jump off the page.

I have no quibble with the pitch of the opening paragraph. It is a good place to start because it is a fulcrum of change, but the back story must be shown and not told, so you will need to use flash back techniques. This should work well, as long as you make it amply clear when the flash back occurs. You do this by opening the paragraph with an explanatory sentence, such as He remembered being eight years old...

There is a grammar error in the first sentence, I knew people must die tonight. *Right* that night, for the tenses to agree. Something like this can put your readers off from the outset. It is important to open as impressively as possible.

sounded alot like my Angie's *Right* a lot.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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