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51
51
Review of Shroud Lines  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This was posted on the forum as an item link when the rules clearly ask for bitem links. As I'm in a good mood, I decided to accept it for the contest. In future, post on this forum by typing {bitem:#######}, replacing the hash symbols with the ID code of your story.

I have a good friend who is going through the discovery process of lung cancer at the moment. Last Week I accompanied her to hospital to talk over her options and have a pre-admission check. It's a distressing and frightening time.

I am sure the thought of going out on ones own terms crosses the mind of anyone diagnosed with a terminal illness. Of course, cancer is no longer terminal in the majority of cases, but inevitably, sometimes it is. We all have to die of something.

I found this story moving, because of my friend's circumstances, but wondered how helpful she would have found it. I wouldn't suggest she reads it, for instance. While acknowledging she may be facing an early death, my friend has chosen to be positive and fight it. She wants to have every last day of her life. We, who love her, are very grateful she feels like that.

Suggestions

Avoid using "would" or other defective verbs, where possible. Their use indicates a modern writing sin - passive mood.

Sometimes you can cut "would" and nothing needs to replace it, like here, ...would set his mind at ease.

Other times you need to change a participle to a past tense verb, like here, his mind would slice[ed] through his stress,

...and here, Each mile from shore would carry[ied] him [away from his fear]. If you go through your work editing all passive mood in this way, then re-read aloud, you'll be amazed how much fresher it sounds.

He planted his feet on the cockpit coaming and jumped into the water. This is a specialist word, which many of your readers will not know. I recommend either explaining or omitting it.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
52
52
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a fun story, and an excellent exercise in perspective. The view of a chocolate confection is fascinating.

I didn't spot the Shakespearean quotations.

Suggestions

Space out the paragraphs with a line space - between each new speaker's speech too.

This sentence needs first aid; As the pants fell, the pocket I was a resident of fell opening down on the floor. *Right* The pants fell to the floor and I saw carpet at the mouth of my pocket, or something similar.

I was knocked out immediately. I thought this meant she was knocked unconscious. How about something like, I grabbed my opportunity and rolled to freedom?

Now I'm being a pedant, but as my circular self *Right* spherical please! *Bigsmile*


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
53
53
Review of NepalByte  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I visited Nepal, while living in Calcutta in the late 70s. My father was a Gurkha officer, and I have an oil painting of a Nepalese woman at a loom, on my wall. I have a strong interest in your country.

This story is based on truth. The scope of the story is huge, and might be better suited to a novel than a short story. Told fully with a cast of three dimensional characters this tale would be potentially a best seller.

I loved the irony at the end.

Suggestions

Style

Be economical. They appeared at a time when it seemed like just very recently people had switched from electric to electronic typewriters with right margin justification, daisy wheels, modest memories and digital displays. *Right* Most people were still getting used to electronic typewriters - with text justification, daisywheels and digital displays - when they appeared.

Make a list of vague and over-used adverbs and adjectives and resolve to never use them again: Here's two to start you off; very, just.


Anti-Passive-Mood Tip

Avoid passive mood, if possible. Pink Floyd and the Eagles were ruling, and long hair and bellbottoms were on the way out... *Right* Pink Floyd and The Eagles ruled and only determined hippies wore bellbottoms and long hair....

As a general rule of thumb; construct sentences with subject followed by verb rather than object followed by verb. This often means avoiding the verbs "to be" and "to have" and other verbs - sometimes known as defective verbs - such as, could, would, may, must or anything which doesn't have an infinitive form.

Avoid repetition. You use the words, building or buildings four times at the end of the fifth paragraph.

Character development relies on clear examples of mannerisms, behaviour, interactions (via dialogue), and events. Character sketching and back story bores readers. Avoid passages like this, Sandeep was a school classmate. He came from a business family. His father Govind had made ... If this information is essential find a way to weave it into the action and dialogue.

Here, for instance, you missed an opportunity for some comic character development, Sandeep gave him a long spiel on hardware and software... Direct speech here would entertain the reader while giving an example of Sandeep's enthusiasm.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
54
54
Review of The Blue Ribbon  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The opening of this story is cleverly written. This phrase gives the reader a lot to think about, without heavy-handed direction; ...their footsteps perfectly matching the beat of the drum. It tells us that the protagonist marches to a different beat. I found myself relaxing, and getting ready for well-crafted tale.

The story is warm and has a worthy theme. It needs some work on technique and style. I hope my suggestions help you make the most of this idea.

Suggestions

Grammar check: He belonged to the tribal areas... One lives in a tribal area, or belongs to a tribe.

Style Notes

The second paragraph is back-story telling, and is dull. If this information is important try to make it part of the story. Show it, do not tell it. You can use dialogue or maybe even flash-back (although this is a difficult technique to master), but when you carefully consider how you will do it, you will, more than likely decide it's not essential. Often it's best to omit back-story altogether, and deal simply with the events of the story at hand.

Avoid telling the reader how your characters feel; He looked at Zaheer with resentment, tinged with envy. It is more effective to describe facial expression and mannerisms, and let the reader work it out for himself. For example, He curled his lip for a moment as he tutted and looked at Zaheer through narrowed eyes.

This is good: Zaheer’s smile faded when he saw Ali Noor’s stony face, but this is not necessary: Ali’s hostile gaze had made him uncomfortable. I recommend cutting the second sentence. The subsequent sentences are again, more telling than showing. We can see Zaheer is a friendly, pleasant boy from his behaviour and words. You don't need to hammer the point home by telling us what he's like.

Speech tags should be kept simple, and only use them when needed to help the reader keep up with who's talking. Often they can be left out altogether. For example, “Oh all right then. Whatever you say,” he capitulated. It is obvious this is Ali Noor speaking, so you don't need any speech tag, but if you insist, use "he said". Don't think up imaginative speech tags. They are telling rather then showing, and distract the reader.

Avoid repetition of words and phrases in close succession: It was extremely slow going. Ali’s movements were slow ...

Beware of passive mood - it indicates telling rather than showing, and is often dull. This was usually accompanied by shouts of joy, laughter and high-fives. *Right* Shouts of joy and high-fives accompanied this.

Ali Noor would draw his curtains... *Right* Ali Noor drew his curtains...

Tips to help you avoid passive mood:

*Bullet* look out for defective verbs like "would", "could", "may" and "must" and avoid them.

*Bullet* use the verbs "to be" and "to have" as sparingly as possible, especially when used with a participle. For example, replace "he was running" with "he ran" and "he had hoped" with "he hoped".

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
55
55
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The description of the mayhem after Jonas' collapse is very good. I especially liked the confusion over who were pigs and who were townsfolk.

The action, gory as it is, is very well written.

The final scene and last sentence is chilling. An excellent ending.

Suggestions

Done in a country peach color with white on the trim... This is too conversational in style, and the colours are not important. Try something like, Although clean and bright, the kitchen was cluttered... I would not usually recommend a less specific description, but here the matter is small, so don't waste time on it.

The man regarded it pleasantly... I don't know what you mean here. Regarding a coffee cup pleasantly is something I've never considered before. Excuse my tone of fun. I mean to point out how it's better to describe an expression rather than tell the reader what an expression means. So here you might write something like, The man smiled as he took the cup from his host... But be careful not to get bogged down in the minutiae of the scene. You run the risk of boring your reader with too much irrelevant detail. Is all this scene-setting essential to your story?

...the visitor erupted, this is an example of an unnecessarily inventive speech tag. It is bad style to use descriptive tags. "He said", "she said", is quite sufficient. The reader will gloss over the tags and they should only be used to help the reader keep up with who's talking. Sometimes it's best to omit them altogether.

The back story section is clumsy. He had grown up as a tough farm boy..... this section rattles through the history behind this story in too perfunctory a fashion. Maybe the story is too complex for the short-story format, or you need to make the story longer, and include the back story in a more dramatic way. For instance, someone could lay accusations, and Jonas' explanations would give the essential information.

"...You are protecting evil,” he stated incredulously. This word seems to be used incorrectly here. What is he not believing?

a lion devouring a bunny rabbit, I recommend cutting "bunny".

Typos and Errors

Sentence structure needs attention in places. Jonas grabbed his skull with both hands and pulled them down over his cheeks. This sentence is confused over subject and object. It seems like Jonas has plural skulls, which are pulled down over his cheeks. I know what you mean, but the grammar is poor. Try, Jonas clutched his brow, then ran his hands down his face, massaging despair from his weathered features, or something similar.

Mr. Cobb, other there, says he knows *Right* over.

just wait here til sun up *Right* till.

but he mob was visibly irritated *Right* the.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
56
56
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
What can I do but rate this as perfect, *Smile*.

I did not delete this interview from my portfolio on puropse. I made it private because of requests from you to make alterations. I was not able to comply with your requests, and maintain an updating policy. I think an interview of this sort should stand like a magazine article - understood as correct at time of publication.

You are welcome to do as you have done, and reproduce the interview in your port, but you must let your readers know you have made changes and you may up-date and make new references in the future. This interview is no-longer my work.

I have not checked every word to match it with the original interview, but on a read through, I note you have removed sections of my editorial which commented on your answers. I think you should make your readers aware of this.

Good luck with all your endeavours.

Mavis Moog

57
57
Review of Medium Coffee  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
susand_l sent me to this story. She gained much from reading it.

I assume it is all true. The rections of the cat, depending on what you were reading or writing is remarkable. Some animals are very sensitive to mood, but as an explanation, that seems hardly sufficient.

I was touched by this story and sympathised with you. I am truly sorry to read about the tragedy of the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine how one gets over something like that, and I am so glad Coffee was able to help. He sounds like a wonderful cat.

Love
Mavis Moog*Flower5*
58
58
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is by way of an apology for the short review I gave you for another story. I hope you find it useful.

Positives:

The characters of Brad and Ellie are full and well-rounded in your imagination. I get the feeling you really know these people, and while reading this story I began to know them a little too.

The idea of two people with different priorities trying to make a successful couple is a good one. This is a story worth telling.

I'm not certain what the theme of the story is, but I suspect it's about optimism and beginnings. I didn't quite identify with the optimism at the end, because I think the odds were stacked against success for Brad and Ellie, but I hoped.

Negatives:

You need to have a story question or conflict near the beginning, which the story proceeds to unravel and solve. This is the format for a short story. You may think I'm being rigid and unfair, but all, even experimental, very outre stories, follow this broad (and it is very broad) formula. If they didn't you would not want to read them.

The story is too wordy. For instance, in the third paragraph you use 122 words describing Brad buying a watch for Ellie, and placing it under the tree. All that explanation is not necessary and not interesting. If we cared about Brad and Ellie, at this stage of the story, we might be more inclined to read long passages like this, but actually you need to build the characters, and introduce a conflict (story question) to keep the reader hooked.

Suggestions:

Regarding wordiness: The problem is actually more one of telling rather than showing. Here's an example re-write from the fourth paragraph. Your words in pink, my suggested edit in blue:

On Christmas morning, he insisted she open her gift first. He anxiously awaited the moment when she opened the box. These two sentences can be contracted to one and describe the moment as it would appear to an observer, which is what a third person narrator is:

On Christmas morning, he watched her quick fingers fumble with the tape and bows around the box. You will probably notice I haven't stuck exactly to your meaning, but do you agree that the idea is implied effectively and more concisely?

I must reiterate, this is only an example, to give you a practical idea of what I'm talking about. I am not suggesting you use my edits verbatim. Use them as inspiration to set about solving the faults I'm high-lighting.

Here's another example: How disappointed he was when she failed to express the sort of elation he had expected. How could she not be pleased? This is telling not showing, and could be omitted or replaced with a shorter, action sentence.

When she finally opened it, and saw the watch, her face remained impassive. The next sentence, about her closing the box, and giving him his present is fine. Then look at the last sentence of this paragraph, it's back to telling.

Instinctively his face reddened and he felt a sense of rejection, for the watch and for him.

His face reddened and he tried to hide it by scrutinising the parcel in his lap, or something like that. Let the reader feel his sense of rejection through his behaviour. You should strive to show the thoughts and feelings by describing the characters actions and reactions, not their inner world; unless it's a first person monologue.

What I'm trying to demonstrate, is how to show rather than tell. It is a difficult technique but it marks the difference between a novice writer and one with professional skill; so you must master it, if you're serious about writing.

Technicalities:

Your sentence structure, grammar and spelling is accurate. I spotted only one word I could quibble with:

Whiter, glitterier, more exquisite - awkward word choice. The comparative is, more glittery.


I hope you find some of these observations helpful.

Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
59
59
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This sweet story is entertaining. The characterisation of the imaginary friend and the dilemma of the teenage boy was portrayed very well.

I spotted no errors, but I would suggest you remove the blue.

There's nothing wrong with this story, but I think it could be improved by increasing the complexity of the plot and developing the idea further.


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
60
60
Review of The Natural End  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a strange story. I found it interesting, bizarre even, but I didn't understand the point. There seemed to be a few threads of a theme, namely souls are real; terrorists are American; it's alright to have a day off school for something important.

What was the purpose of the school-boy character? He doesn't seem to add anything to the story.

I liked the description of the soul, but found the idea that it comes out of the knee, and displays a person's whole life to them, comical. It is too ridiculous not to be funny.

Maybe this story is simply before its time, and come judgement day, I'll see what you were getting at.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
61
61
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

You know I like your writing, and the suggestions below are me being Queen Fuss-Pot, but I hope they are in some way helpful.

This story is entertaining. It has a good plot, enough twists and turns to keep it interesting. The motif of the red hat was excellently played. I loved the joke with the Cadillac driver saying, "Red hat--like Santa?" That was a piece of elegant humour.

It is a little sentimental for my tastes, but I am sure it will appeal to a wide readership.

Suggestions

...down like the feathers of angel's wings, pure as fleece, I don't think you need two metaphors to describe large snow-flakes. Strong imagery is important, but the really bright imagery needs to be saved for describing something we haven't all seen a hundred times. I would cut pure as fleece. I happen to live in sheep country, and the fleeces I see are grubby things anyway *Laugh*.

Eventually, the sheer weight of the snow dropped with a soft “ka-thunk” to the already growing pile below. This sentence doesn't make perfect sense. Surely the weight of the snow didn't drop; the snow dropped.

Andy and Angie had been married ten years before his father had suddenly passed away on Christmas Eve. ...[all through to]... and was now late coming home...very late. How important is this section of back story? Do you think you could omit it and have the story make sense? If so, I think you should. It interrupted the flow of the story for me. If you cut this section, you can make the next section active: For example, Andy had stopped to pick up a last minute gift for his boy, Andy stopped to pick up a last minute gift...

Same suggestion here: ...but they had received no news other than *Right* ...but they knew nothing other than...

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
62
62
Review of The Room  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is not badly written. I liked the short sentences at the beginning, as you set the scene. It gave an appropriate, clinical atmosphere.

The problem for me, with this story is it's lack of originality. It is a scene, and actually this is no more than a scene as it doesn't extend to a plot, so familiar to any reader, TV or movie viewer in a Christian culture, as to be completely banal.

It is also an extremely child-like representation of death.

My best advice is for you to write about something real, honest and try to find a unique perspective. I know that is far easier said than done, but no one said writing was easy.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
63
63
Review of Grandparents  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This warm remeniscense is a lovely tribute to your grandparents, and I'm sure your family will cherish it. There are some technical adjustments needed before it can be considered a professional job, and I've given the best advice I can below.

If you choose to leave it exactly as it is, I'm sure it will nevertheless be whole-heartedly read and enjoyed by friends and family.

Suggestions

Those sounds would be running through my head as I would slowly nod off to sleep. Avoid this construction. It works much better if you make the sentence active: Those thoughts ran through my head as I slowly nodded off.

Unfortunately, the whole story is written using this verb. Modern editors frown on "would" in this sense. Some writers go as far as banning "would", "could", "to be" and "to have" from their work. I think keeping sentences as active as possible improves the flow a great deal. I recommend you edit every "would" out.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
64
64
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is an inspirational story. I hope your readers gain wisdom and hope from it.

The vocabulary and style is good. It is clear and simple. The theme is also very clear. No one could mistake the message of this story.

My favourite passage is the one near the beginning, in the kitchen. The detail of a routine morning, with all the tension of an abusive husband, was excellently given.

Suggestions

Be careful not to use too much internal monologue. It is often better to find a way to show a character's feelings and thoughts in their actions and reactions. This is more difficult, but worth the effort, because it involves the reader more.

I would also suggest you think about using greater subtlety in presenting a theme. This is a fine story, as far as it goes, but it is very straight-forward. There is no imagery or analogy. For instance, when I think of this character and her defence of her children, I am reminded of a cow. The word docile means cow-like, and this woman was very docile with her cruel, inadequate husband - yet, I am reminded that anyone wishing to remain uncrushed and not horn-tossed, should never come between a cow and her calf. Sometimes, taking a step away and then returning to the theme from a slightly different angle, can make a more interesting and evocative tale.

The keepsake earring was an important device, and you used it well, I suppose I am asking for more of that kind of symbolism.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
65
65
Review of Sweetness Follows  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I understand the intention of this story, I think; and I also appreciated the great empathy and compassion with which it was written. It is an interesting idea, and the events described here, are certainly not unheard-of. You can tell there's a "but" coming, can't you?

I think the writing was rushed. It didn't work as a believable story because the characterisation was weak, especially of the boy. The time Michael and the boy spent together was skipped, and the boy exhibited some very peculiar behaviour. A child would not accept a kidnap, no matter how kindly the kidnapper, quite as smoothly as you write it here. Anyway, all that aside, here are some suggestions on style and technique which may help to make this project work better, in my opinion.

Suggestions

This story is nearly pure telling. I recommend you find a way to relate this in a more active style. Dense passages of back-story-telling are dull, no matter how startling or traumatic the subject matter.

Much of it can be hinted at, alluded to in conversations, or left to the readers' imagination. If none of those techniques are suitable, try showing the relevent events as flash-back action, but be careful; it can be difficult to keep the structure of the story clear if you use too much flash-back.

This is good: “Are you ok Michael?” Danny asked.

A tear was flowing down Michael’s cheek, and he immediately wiped it away, because it shows a great deal more than the whole previous paragraph.

The best way to strengthen characterisation is to show mannerisms, reactions and behaviour. A short-story writer has to be a body-language expert, a psychologist and a dramatist. Always keep your eye on what you want to portray. For instance, if you want to show kindness, find a kind action to describe, but describe it - do not tell us about it. For example: Bad = He was a kind person; Good = He knelt to stroke a puppy.

Nuts and Bolts

His hope’s had finally been answered... no apostrophe needed.

his emotions were lifting just like the sun from behind a cloud. The sun does not generally lift from behind a cloud. There is a confusion of verb-use here. Try something like, a darkness was lifting, like sunshine bursting from behind a cloud.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
66
66
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a charming story, written in the style of a folk tale. I was brought up in the far east; Hong Kong, Malaysia and Brunei, so I have a particular fondness for Oriental settings.

Suggestions

everyone busily created something for the great show in his own way. I recommend cutting this final phrase - it's unnecessary.

This story needs more vivid description. There is too much generic reference, like There were big things and little things and clever things and simple things... I know the repetition of the word, things, is intended to make it sound like a mighty list of variety, but actually the opposite has happened. If you spend some time on pretty details, it will add even more charm to the story.

They built a large but simple shelter, this is too vague. It would be better to describe at least what the shelter was made from. *Right* something like this - with bare-foot ingenuity, they erected a bamboo pavilion. Banana leaf thatching and rice-stalk matting protected the interior from wind and rain.

harvesting of vegetables & elegant dishes : again, I recommend you be specific. It will add great authenticity and atmosphere to your story. If you are not sure of the vegetables and dishes, research.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
67
67
Review of The Tooth Fairy  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I liked this story. It's a simple plot with humorous potential. The characterisation of the narrator is good. You convey his awkwardness well.

Suggestions

The beginning is too involved and distracting. Also, you miss an opportunity for humorous conflict.

I suggest you begin this story with the bad tooth. The explanation, why he won't go to a dentist can come as he tells other character(s) (probably Rose) how he hates dentists. She can assume he's scared of the drill, but it will unfold that his wife ran away with a dentist, his best buddy was a dentist and is now far more successful that he, and his grandfather made that weird claim about looking after ones teeth, just before he died. Try to pile on this man's misery. All this can be given in a series of amusing conversations with Rose, on the phone however you like, but try to keep it close-knit in time. Then the beautiful mother arrives...... see? This would make a much tighter and more gripping tale.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
68
68
Review of Slaughter House  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story may have been inspired by the film, Cold Creek Farm. Have you seen that film? It stars Sharon Stone, Denis Quaid and Juliette Lewis. The house, the sheep the weird locals brought the film vividly to mind. Your plot is different, and I'm not accusing you of plagerism, but it is a striking resonance.

Suggestions

Hamilton’s biggest mystery was considered ........... who's discovering this? Janet? If so, from whom? It is a modern writing sin to tell rather than show. This means back-story, like this, must be made part of the characters' conversation or knowledge in some other way. I use the rule, if it can't be shown in a movie, without the use of voice-over, it is failing the showing not telling test.

Technical Points
She began to feel as though she was an intruder *Right* were (conditional mood).

enhancing the wallpaper’s grotesque color. I wasn't sure what was intended here. Did the light improve the colour or make it appear even more unpleasant?

her eyes directed their attention to the wall where an assortment of paintings hung - what's wrong with, she looked at the paintings? Always look for the most succinct phrase.

If the only characters present for most of the story die at the end, who's telling the story?

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
69
69
Review of Wind in the Wings  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The suspense is handled very well in this story.

Alberto looked pathetic to Kenny, like a mole suddenly ripped from the ground and sniffing for any escape from dangers he couldn’t see. Fantastic imagery, in places.

Suggestions

The beginning needs editing and refining. There is too much preamble, and back-story telling. Try to stick to this rule; if it couldn't be shown in a movie, without a voice-over, it's being told not shown, and needs to be re-written.

When describing a character, give the physical descriptions as incidentals to action or conversation, not in chunks of solid description. Physical descriptions, for their own sake, are clumsy.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
70
70
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I love animals too. This is a sad story.

I enjoyed the atmosphere of the story but have some words of warning.

Suggestions

I lived in Calcutta for two years, so I know what paan is, but many of your readers will not.

The language is too flamboyant. It is not good style to use excessively elaborate vocabulary; it creates the effect of juvenile pomposity.

Here's an example, with my suggested re-write: He extracted a glass of milk from the fridge and added five drops of filter coffee to the lipid rich liquid, then a sachet of sweetener to the resultant murky brown beverage and carried it, with the plate to the adjacent dining room and set it on the table by the window.

He took a glass of milk from the fridge, added coffee and sweetner and carried it, with the plate of food, to the next room, where he set it on the table by the window.

These are simple actions. Try to describe them as succinctly and plainly as possible. You may even ask yourself if they need to be described at all. How essential is this action to the story?

Save the purple prose for the dramatic moments.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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71
71
Review of No Sunday Siesta  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I loved this observation, I got up to locate the remote, which aptly named, was never to hand, and am amazed I've not heard it before. It seems an obvious joke, but you made it first *Bigsmile*.

This story is a delight. I love it.

Suggestions

I didn't always like your word choices, and felt you chose rather pompous words at times, when a more simple one would have done, but by the end of the story I had grown accustomed to your style. The trick with this flamboyant style, is to convince the reader you know what you're doing, and it's not the result of being too fond of a thesaurus. You convinced me *Wink*.

You need to pay some attention to spacing. Sometimes you missed the double space between fullstop and new sentence. Line spaces between paragraphs helps the reader immensely, especially when reading from a screen.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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72
72
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story, at 46 KBs is too long for the contest, but it is a credit to your writing style that I read it anyway.
I enjoyed it very much, but was waiting for something to happen. I felt a little cheated that all that happened was boy meets girl. When the narrator lied about visiting her grandmother, I thought maybe you had turned the tables, and the girl would be the psycho killer.

The back story about the narrator's grandmother makes a solid paragraph which could be cut, without damaging the story.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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73
73
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a great story from someone so young (I checked your bio-block). You show confident writing skills.

Suggestions

The plot could be quite interesting with more development. You spend most of the story telling us about the shocking news, then finish very quickly with what could be a far more interesting and exciting point. Maybe you should spend more time portraying Dan's new daring approach to life. You could examine the wrecklessness of someone in his situation. Is it really what someone with terminal cancer would do?

_________________________


Nuts and Bolts

...fragile statement... I found this adjective incongruous. What was fragile about the statement? I think I know what you mean, in that the statement is blunt, to the point, stark, bleak...but not fragile.

For some strange reason he had retained a single spark of hope that he didn't really have cancer. The colloquial nature of this phrase jars in narration of this type. I recommend you cut all unnecessary words, but particularly when you are describing a shocking experience. This required short, spare sentences.

This is another example of the same sort of error, but in a different direction, this time the extra words make the sentence sound over-formal; Rising from the examination table he proceeded to grab the tests results from the doctor, *Right* He rose from the examination table and grabbed the test results from the doctor.

Struggling with much internal conflict. This is an example of telling rather than showing. What internal conflict? This is an empty cliche.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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74
74
Review of The Cassette Tape  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is a perfect idea for "Twighlight-Zone" or "Tales From The Crypt."

I shall not mention the slightly irritating cliche of the baddy having an English accent - oops, I've mentioned it *Bigsmile*.

The story is fun, wild and although it's a silly plot, it works in that wacky way some far-fetched ideas do. I enjoyed it.

My main reservation is that it's about an aspiring writer. All the detail about criticism of the protagonist's writing doesn't work. Remember, most readers are not writers. It is always a mistake to assume your readership is exactly like you. Having said that, it's such a classic error, it fits the B-movie genre quite well, and maybe you should keep it the way it is. It adds to the dark humour, especially when he complains of being 22 and nearly past it.

You've left me feeling indecisive. How much satire can one story stand? *Laugh*




Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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75
75
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (2.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

It is not that I'm a dog person; I like cats, and have one. It's not that I lost someone in the Twin Tower atrocity; I am English and knew no one in New York that day. It is that I am forty five years old, and do not believe in talking cats, but would suspend my belief for a clever, comic romp. This is not a comedy though, is it?

I am sorry but I have to tell you that this is extremely tasteless, in my opinion. I wonder what someone who lost a loved on in the terrible event of 11th September 2001 would feel on reading about cute cats, living in the World Trade Centre, and how he would like to see the disaster from those cats' points of view. I don't think that bereaved person would be very entertained.

What do you think a reader can gain from this story? Do you think it will help him understand the tragedy better? Gain solace? Deal with his grief? Do you think the tragedy of that day needs putting into this kind of perspective?

I am bewildered.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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