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Disclaimer
| The purpose of this review is to offer my opinion as one writer to another. As a writer I understand how precious a piece of work can be to it's creator so my opinion comes with all the respect due to a fellow writer. I do not claim to be an expert nor do I assume to know better than anyone else what work's and what doesn't. I offer my opinion as a means of supporting you in your writing journey. If you have any questions or comments regarding my review please feel free to email me. May your pen dance with joy as you weave your wonderful tale. |
Please note: I hope you find this review to be helpful and encouraging. I am still learning so please feel free to take or discard any suggestions I give. You are receiving this review as one of two in the Holiday package gifted to you from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  with the message "From Santa".
Plot
| Did the story have a cohesive and logical plot? Were the necessary elements fully explored? |
 's
Hi there. This story looks like it is going to be quite interesting. The events within the story progress nicely and draw the reader in, wanting more.
The beginning could do with a bit more information. It took me a while to make sense of what was going on so maybe you could extend the part where Frannie is painting the tree and show what happened before that and how she came to be there.
Setting
| Can I visualize the scenes in my mind? Are all the senses involved? |
You use great descriptions for some things like the tree and grass as you lay on it and yet completely neglect describing the characters, home environment and world around her. This makes it really hard to visualise the story.
Let's look at this sentence.
"Then she put me into a room that looked like a doctor’s office. DOY! It looked like a doctor’s office because it was a doctor’s office!" Firstly instead of saying it looked like a doctor's office show the reader why it looked like a doctor's office. Secondly, unless those sentences were supposed to be Frannie's internal thoughts its not good to narrate a story and say things like "It looked like a doctor's office because it was a doctor's office."
Characters/Dialogue
| Are the characters unique and believable? Do they support the story and develop along with the plot? Is the dialogue believable and in keeping with the characters? |
I struggled with the characters in this story because they didn't seem to be very well defined.
For example, Chris says:
“I went to university and that’s how I got there, I was in a park due to my Paramedic-ness, seeing if I could find any distressed little people to help.” At that point he took his eyes off the road and looked at me. His eyes were really quite nice. “I care about you because you deserve more than being branded ‘crazy’ by the public for the rest of your life, and, most of all, you are in my car, because I’m trying to help you. You are in this car because deep down inside you know you need some help. Are you going to let me help you?” he asked.
Now anyone who is educated to the degree of being a psychiatrist isn't going to use a word like "paramedic-ness". They might say "I was in the park due to my role as a paramedic. It's a common place for distressed youths to hang out."
Frannie seems to be an angry rebellious youth at one moment and just a regular kid at others. Its hard to get a grasp of characters that change like that. Also I doubt that a girl like Frannie would go with a paramedic without asking where she was going. It pays to keep an eye out for these types of inconsistencies.
Grammar/Spelling
| Has the piece been appropriately edited? |
There are quite a few missing words within this piece that affect the reader enjoyment. It might pay to go over the story slowly to fill in the missing words.
It was a blur of bright city lights and black paint. Breaking glass and ornaments and shrieking, terrible shrieking.
Try:
It was a blur of bright city lights and black paint. Then there was the breaking glass and ornaments not to mention the shrieking: terrible shrieking.
The layout of the story is a little cramped. I have copied a paragraph to show you what is considered the appropriate way to format a story. In particular dialogue is supposed to start its own paragraph for each character speaking. So every time a character starts to speak after another character it should have double line spacing as you would for a paragraph. This helps with the flow as well as making it clear who is speaking without the need for dialog tags. Also if you are using double quotes for dialog then use single quotes for unspoken dialog like in the line "Hi?" I said meaning: 'What are you doing here'.
I woke up in bed the next day. I dressed in the jeans I wore a few days ago and made my way downstairs, still groggy from the night before. There, sitting on a chair in the room was the man who had helped me last night.
“Hi.” He said quietly as if he knew how much my head was hurting.
“Hi?” I said, meaning: 'What are you doing in my living room?'. Whatever he did last night, it made me feel a lot better, and I was grateful for it.
“Chris,” he said, extending his hand.
I nodded, closing my eyes for a moment.
“Yeah, I know.” I said, still tired.
My mother entered the room then and rushed over to me, taking no consideration about my throbbing head. I gave a prolonged wince as she was squeezing me in a vice-like hug. I raised one finger to my lips to try and tell her to shut up in the most polite way possible.
“Oh, of course.” She said, dropping her arms from around me.
But I still knew she had no clue as to how I was feeling. I staggered over to the lounge and flopped down next to Chris the paramedic.
“So, what are you doing here again?” I asked him.
My mum gasped and hurriedly apologised on my behalf.
“Frannie! Don’t be rude to our guest.”
I rolled my eyes and Chris answered me.
“Your mother called me. I’m just checking that you’re alright.” he said casually. “You were pretty out of it last night.”
Tell me about it. I thought.
“Well,” I said, “I’m fine, so you can just be on your way.” I said, giving him a small wave and leaning back into the lounge.
He exchanged a look with my mother and looked a little uncomfortable.
“Actually, Frannie…” he began, but I cut him off.
“Don’t call me Frannie.” I snapped.
He continued, paying no attention to my outburst.
“I think it would be best if you came with me.” he said, standing up.
My eyes widened. “What for?” I asked, on the edge of outrage.
He extended a hand.
“Please.” He implored.
I looked over at mum for some sort of assistance.
“Francesca, go with the man.”
Don't forget that Mum has a capital but your mum doesn't.
My Point of View
| What did I love and what did I feel it may have been lacking? |
This story is off to a great start. The dialog is great just watch for your characters saying things that they wouldn't in real life. The story line is fresh and I look forward to seeing where you take it.
Final Rating
| Based on average of the above scores |
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