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Disclaimer
| The purpose of this review is to offer my opinion as one writer to another. As a writer I understand how precious a piece of work can be to it's creator so my opinion comes with all the respect due to a fellow writer. I do not claim to be an expert nor do I assume to know better than anyone else what work's and what doesn't. I offer my opinion as a means of supporting you in your writing journey. If you have any questions or comments regarding my review please feel free to email me. May your pen dance with joy as you weave your wonderful tale. |
Please note: I hope you find this review to be helpful and encouraging. I am still learning so please feel free to take or discard any suggestions I give. Hi there. This is review 3/3 in your Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  gifted to you by Just call me Omni 
Hi there. Well no one can say you don't have a vivid imagination! These "stories" that you have thought up are really quite different. I don't think I have ever read anything quite like it.
I did find it difficult to follow along with what you had written because of very long sentences, one of which was ninety-nine words long! But I'll get to that later.
The first point I would like to make is the need for proof reading your work. There is even a spelling error in the title (you have sumeries when it should be Summaries) and to be honest, when you don't take the time to proof read your work it looks like you don't care about it. If you don't care about it then why should anyone else?
Always try to put your best work out there. Keep items private until they have been proofed are rewritten so that only your best work shows. More often than not, if someone reads a piece that is sloppy they won't come back to your port.
Secondly, your summaries don't need to be written as though you are speaking directly to people. The stories are hard enough to figure out without all the additional "please note" or "just so as you know" type interjections. Keep it clean and to the point.
Now, about those long confusing sentences. Lets look at the beginning of the summary page. I have provided a shorter version in red to show you how to condense your text.
Since I wrote my story with pen and paper, it's a little hard for me to just put them into a book form. So, I'll just have to type up their summeries. Please note, there are 19 of them, so it might take a while for me to get them all up.
I wrote my stories with pen and paper so I am typing up summaries for the time being. This may take a while as there are nineteen of them.
Also, just for you to know, those who work at tasting houses that are called dishes wear special see-through clothing, which means that it is almost as if they are naked. This confused me. Is it the houses that are tasted? Are those houses called dishes? I was completely baffled by this at first
However, while they are treated as if they were food in some ways, such as having them soak in various sauces, seasonings, and other things that could be used as part of any food item, from the simplest of soups, which the girl can just soak in, all the way up to the most difficult of cake and pastry, and bread, mixes, which must be carefully watched to keep it from cooling and hardening around the girl, and at the same time, keep it from being too runny, the dishes have a fairly safe, relaxing, and enjoyable job. Also, the place has certain rules that must be followed at all times.
Some of the female characters work in tasting houses and these characters are called 'dishes'. They are required to wear special see through clothing which means they appear almost naked. The characters that are 'dishes' are, to some extent, treated as food. They may be dipped in various sauces, seasonings, or even soaked in a soup. They may even be involved in more complex food preparation such as soaked in cake batters, pastry, bread mixes and such but this must be supervised to ensure the food doesn't cool and harden around the girl. Although the girls are treated as food it is designed to be a fairly safe, relaxing and enjoyable job. There are rules that must be strictly adhered to to ensure the girls safety.
Can you see how it makes so much more sense once the sentences are cut down to controllable lengths?
Your ideas are fresh and inventive but this piece seriously lacks the refinement and discipline to make it a pleasurable read. If you want people to take your work seriously then you need to as well.
I look forward to seeing this piece once it's polished and tidy and I will happily re-review it at that time.
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). This delightful tail is perfectly suited to younger children who will delight in the characters and want it read again and again. I know I'll be reading this to my daughter in the morning.