The purpose of this review is to offer my opinion as one writer to another. As a writer I understand how precious a piece of work can be to it's creator so my opinion comes with all the respect due to a fellow writer. I do not claim to be an expert nor do I assume to know better than anyone else what work's and what doesn't. I offer my opinion as a means of supporting you in your writing journey. If you have any questions or comments regarding my review please feel free to email me. May your pen dance with joy as you weave your wonderful tale.
This is review 2/3 in your Read All About It Deluxe Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED" gifted to you as part of the mystery package you won from the Olympic Auction.
I really love this story because it uses such beautiful imagery and spins a mystical yet touching story. You have the skills of a master storyteller and your stories have a life of their own.
I have a couple of suggestions for this piece but please understand that they are merely suggestions and I respect your work immensely.
The old journal waited patiently. The fine layer of dust coating it shimmered for a brief moment, caused, perhaps, by it being caught in a chance sunbeam slanting under the peaked eve. Or perhaps, not.
The section in bold is unneeded because you have already suggested that the shimmering is possibly caused by something else and when you use the phrase 'Or perhaps not' it is author intrusion.
The other suggestion I have concerns the beginning of the first person narration. This is where the main story begins and because of this I feel as though too much time is spent talking about the scenery and trip to date. The initial introduction could be reduced to one or two paragraphs describing the terrain and why the trip is happening then going on to mention that a missed turn is how the main character ended up where she did. The reason I suggest this is because in a short story the main plot arc needs to be started quickly and the events described in these paragraphs don't contribute to the plot or to character development.
Using the paragraphs you have written I have this suggested example of condensing that part of the story.
Before.
I had driven close to 5000 miles in the past week and a half. I decided that it was time to land somewhere for a couple of days.
It had been a fun adventure driving a friend to Spokane, Washington as we stopped and saw the sights along the way, yet it was this part of the trip I had been looking forward to. No GPS blinking at me on the dashboard announcing the miles and telling me where and when to turn. That stayed behind in Spokane. I could stop and take pictures whenever my muse inspired me. It was absolutely a grand adventure and I loved every minute of it. I’d taken back roads that curled around mountains, often turning to gravel as I drove. I went down roads with no guard rails and nothing but an abyss off the passenger side. It scared me silly, but I did it, even if my knuckles turned white on the steering wheel.
I was proud and caught myself grinning in the rear view mirror. I pulled off the road at a scenic overlook. Relaxing back against the seat, I once again looked in the mirror. Eyes that turned mossy green when I was happy sparkled back. Very green eyes. My short hair was a mass of curls jammed under my hat. I smiled, thinking I didn’t look all that bad for someone who’d passed the half century mark. Must be the ‘road trip!’ glow, I mused. There certainly was something about the freedom, glorious weather and open roads that called to my soul. My camera, laptop and notebook lay on the front seat. I grabbed the camera and notebook and got out of the car.
Spread out in front of me were three sharp, craggy mountains. Snow shone white against a crystal sky. A lenticular cloud surrounded the heights of the tallest one. I’d seen pictures of such clouds before, but never imagined I would actually see one. There are no mountains in Michigan. Dipping below the mountains, a sapphire lake complete with picture-perfect sailboat skimming across it, sparkled in the autumn sun. I reached for my notebook only to open it and remember I’d filled the very last page the last time I’d stopped. Mental note, I need another notebook.
Half an hour and perhaps thirty pictures later, I was back on the road and aiming for Denver. Denver wasn’t too far from Pike’s Peak, and as I was so close to it, all things being considered, how could I not go see it. It was heading towards late afternoon as I turned off the highway leading south of Denver and drove into Manitau Springs. A quick stop at a service station for coffee and gas, also gave me local comments about where to stay and what I shouldn’t miss.
Missing the turn I needed, I took my next left and spiraled down into town. I could feel my eyes widen appreciatively as I realized that Manitou Springs was a quaint village clinging to the side of the mountain. Old two and three story buildings were crammed together, like crooked, hunched over men braving the cold. Odd shaped windows and decorated porches were brightened by strings and swags of twinkling white lights. The road was cobble-stoned and twisted along the mountain’s edge. High, pointed roofs reminded me of witches hats. Birch-branch benches were scattered every so often. It was so intriguing that I couldn’t wait to get settled and go explore.
Suggested edit.
It had been a fun adventure driving a friend to Spokane, Washington but having covered close to 5000 miles in the past week and a half I decided it was time to land somewhere for a couple of days. I’d taken back roads that curled around mountains, often turning to gravel as I drove. I went down roads with no guard rails and nothing but an abyss off the passenger side. It scared me silly, but I did it, even if my knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. It was absolutely a grand adventure, I loved every minute of it and judging by the glowing reflection in the rear view mirror, adventure was good for me. I once again looked in the mirror. Eyes that turned mossy green when I was happy sparkled back. Very green eyes. My short hair was a mass of curls jammed under my hat. I smiled, thinking I didn’t look all that bad for someone who’d passed the half century mark. There certainly was something about the freedom, glorious weather and open roads that called to my soul.
My final destination of Denver took me reasonably close to Pike's Peak and my muse was itching to take in its beauty. It was heading towards late afternoon as I turned off the highway leading south of Denver and drove into Manitau Springs. Missing the turn I needed, I took my next left and spiraled down into town. I could feel my eyes widen appreciatively as I realized that Manitou Springs was a quaint village clinging to the side of the mountain. Old two and three story buildings were crammed together, like crooked, hunched over men braving the cold. Odd shaped windows and decorated porches were brightened by strings and swags of twinkling white lights. The road was cobble-stoned and twisted along the mountain’s edge. High, pointed roofs reminded me of witches hats. Birch-branch benches were scattered every so often. It was so intriguing that I couldn’t wait to get settled and go explore.
By shortening those opening paragraphs the story has a faster beginning which I feel would be beneficial. Thank you for this wonderful story and I look forward to reading more from you.
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