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26
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Review of Full Circle  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Wow, this was absolutely stunning. The imagery is gorgeous and so beautifully dramatic. I love the flow, the details, the emotion.

Why I could relate to your work: I think we've all been in a place where loss hits hard and this is just a magical piece that touches that side of us.

My suggestions: I do not have any, this was truly a stunning work of art.

Any noticeable typos: Nothing that pulled me out of your work

My favorite line(s): I've read through it a couple of times trying to pick a favorite line but I can't even pick a favorite section. It's all beautiful and flows well.

In conclusion: I absolutely loved this. Such a gorgeous read. Write on!


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27
27
Review of Mall Eyes  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This had such a voice to it, very loud and clear, and as a reader, I bought the story. I felt the loneliness, the desire to be a part of that romantic world, and felt the details of the story. Usually I focus on "show" not "tell" but I really feel that watching was a necessary sense with this tale. It added so much. It also made it creepy. Not sure if it was the intention but I definitely got the heebies off our watcher. Made me wonder if there was a more invested interest in the Kiosk Girl than they were acknowledging.

Why I could relate to your work: My sister used to work at one of those mall kiosks where they buy your jewelry for the gold in a mall that is now dead because malls are a dying breed. This made me think of her and others who work in the malls that are slowly fading in thanks to online shopping. That might be part of the creep factor too, thinking of the malls when they're mostly empty. Cre-e-py

My suggestions: I feel like this could be carried even further. There's a lot to explore with this story whether it's carried more into the romance genre or is followed down the rabbit hole of horror, I'd like to see more of it.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me out of the story.

My favorite line(s): "Maybe I would get to feel it, too." This was a very open-ended ending. Again, it lends itself to being creepy or romantic or maybe a mix of both. There's no direction here, whether it's aimed at the Kiosk Girl, the couple, a random hope for someday, oneself, it's left to our imagination and I like that. Opens the door for further exploration from the author too. It's not cut and dry so you can expand the story if you pursue it.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this. Again, I feel like you wrote a very strong voice with this story. I can picture details, start picturing the work station, imagine what the mall sounds like, it would be interesting to see if you do something further with it. Well done and write on.


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28
Review of WLTM IRL  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Found you in the newsletter "For Authors Newsletter (May 10, 2023)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I like the idea of the "modern" vampire. It makes sense. Especially considering all sorts of predators use online resources to find their victims. I also liked the voice of your story, it's very strong.

Why I could relate to your work: Vampires have always been one of my favorite monsters so it's always fun to read a story involving them.

My suggestions: I don't really have suggestions but admittedly, I was hoping for a different twist. I was hoping Marta was the hunter disguised as prey or had something in her blood would act as a sedative or something. Instead, this felt very traditional and what was expected. It was very well written, I just wanted the catfishing to start sooner than it did.

Any noticeable typos: There was nothing that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "After all, one could pretend to be anything on the internet." Just as vampires can evolve, so can the hunters. One should always be on their toes, even when the top of the food chain.

In conclusion: This was a fun story that shows what can happen when old enemies adapt to changing times. It was an entertaining read. Write on!


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29
29
Review of Alone In The Dark  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!


What I love about your work: You chose a subject that many can understand, the fear of the dark. This is immediately a topic that pulls the reader in and dares us to venture into what you're bringing to the table.

Why I could relate to your work: I've always had a fear of the dark, not so much that I can't walk into a dark room anymore, but definitely one where I'm more comfortable if there's light. Only my husband seems immune to that concern in our household but he humors the rest of us.

My suggestions: This line "The dark seems gripping the beam" confused me. It seems like it should be either "The dark seams gripping the beam" or "The dark seems to be gripping the beam" or another variation. Just the way it's written currently, I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

Any noticeable typos: "As my heart then hurry its beat." It might read a little smoother if it were "hurries"

My favorite line(s): "As the wind swallowed the flame." Meep meep! That spells trouble!

In conclusion: I enjoyed this cause it definitely captured the fear of the dark. Nicely done. Write on!


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Review of Ode of Winter  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This hit home in many different ways, but I liked how you wove tragedy, joy and Christmas tradition into this such a small amount of words. That's very impressive and a hard feat to accomplish, you ought to be patting your back.

Why I could relate to your work: My youngest is obsessed with the eagle nest cams and I've heard about Harriet and M15. I've also heard of the many different tragedies and how freaking difficult it is to raise an eaglet but this instantly tickled me cause I recognized it. I also remember reading about the devastation caused Ian. I liked that you wove that detail in there but it was beaten into shape by the miracle of new life.

My suggestions: I don't have any. This came together very well and flows pleasantly.

My favorite line(s): I can't say I have a favorite line, I just reread it a couple of times trying to decide and I honestly like how it all works together. It feels like everything is needed and shines beautifully. It was a perfect scene-setting beginning, a story in the middle, and a beautiful finishing touch.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this a lot. You did a beautiful job at showing that life will continue, even in the wake of great sadness. Excellently done and write on!


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31
Review of The Farmer  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Farmers are such an impressive community. They work hard, support everyone with food, and are a very down to earth group. I think your poem catches that well and is fun to read.

Why I could relate to your work: I went to school in a farming based community and a couple of my friends came from farming families. They worked hard, were up at the crack of dawn, and I LOVED going to their houses. It was always an adventure and there was always activity going on.

My suggestions: "When harvest is due he just looks at his crop always keeping him on the hop!" This line threw me out a bit and I think it's because the first part of the rhyme is longer than the second part so it messes with my brain. Or maybe the wording is throwing me off? I don't know, something about that line pulls me out of the work though.

Any noticeable typos: The punctuation on the last line is a little wonky. There's a space before the comma and it seems if it's formal enough to have a ;, it should also have "". But that's just my perspective (asides from the space before the comma)

My favorite line(s): I do like that last line. I imagine the farmer sitting on his tractor, the sun setting, casting long shadows under the brim of his hat. He's tired but proud, he's done his hardwork and now gets the benefit of rest. It feels like a good closer.

In conclusion: It was a fun read and captured the hard-working nature of the farming community. Write on!


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32
Review of The Letter Family  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I totally read this in my sing-song read to children voice. It does have that innocence and lends itself to being read in a pattern.

My suggestions: The use of punctuation was not consistent. Sometimes there were commas, sometimes there were not, and this did distract me from the work. Since it wasn't consistent, I couldn't decide if it was intentionally done or accidentally done.

Any noticeable typos: "Your before U & V" "Your should be You're

My favorite line(s): "Aunty H is on her way" I imagined Aunt Fanny from the Robots movie but as Aunty H. I can't explain it but with the sing song pattern, that's what came to mind :P

In conclusion: I think this would be fun for someone to illustrate. I can see it in my mind. I can also hear it. It needs a bit of polishing to really make it shine, but it's cute and bouncy.



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33
33
Review of Screaming Witch  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Found you in the newsletter "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (May 10, 2023)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I loved what she was attempting to brew in the middle of the night. Helps if you have the right tools, whether it be spellbooks or ingredients, to accomplish your goal.

Why I could relate to your work: I enjoy entertaining comedy magic stories so this sounded like a lot of fun. I also liked the twist. Screaming Witch sounds like something dark, maybe even horrifying, but this wasn't even remotely in that realm, which made it extra fun.

My suggestions: Work on formatting. If there's a dialogue tag, for example the story starts out with Leah screaming, the next sentence where Bridget is doing an action should be a new paragraph. They should not be combined.

Additionally, this is a fun story, more detail could be explored to bring the reader in. I would love to know more info about what the room of an absent minded sorceress looks like.

Any noticeable typos: Honestly, the caps lock and the paragraphs needing broken up, I didn't notice more. Those were distracting from the writing.

My favorite line(s): “This isn’t a spell tome. It’s a cook book, you had it open to a recipe for pop overs!” Snicker, whoops.

In conclusion: I think this is cute and has a lot of potential. It needs some polishing and would be interesting to see what you do with it.


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34
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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (May 10, 2023)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I think you did very well at capturing the shame and frustration this poor kid has over a part of himself he keeps hidden. That's a rough situation to be in.

Why I could relate to your work: Overshare time, but my grandpa used to wear women's underwear. It's not something he divulged but something my mother knew. This hit a note with me because I imagine, given the time he was alive and how much his father already frowned upon him due to him being crippled, it was probably similar to what he felt. That made it all the more personal for me.

My suggestions: I don't really have any other than personal preference. I'm a freeform poetry gal so the rhythm wasn't really floating my boat but I saw what you were doing with it and can respect it.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me from your work.

My favorite line(s): "On glimpsing his reflection, turns away;
his stricken face he cannot look upon." No kiddo, don't let others' opinions make you unable to meet your eyes. Oi, that hit me right in the heart.

In conclusion: This was a touching though sad piece that again, hit home in a different sorta way. I hope it ends better for your character than my grandfather who only let that side be more free when he went to RHPS. Anywho, nicely written and welcome to the WDC.


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35
35
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!


What I love about your work: This has an interesting beat, kind of that slow, climbing dread that drags you in deeper. The imagery was also intriguing, very dark.

Why I could relate to your work: I love nuggets of "I don't remember writing that but I like it". They're treasures and I've encountered a bunch of those in the past couple of months. So the description instantly pulled me in. How could I resist the treasured discoveries?

My suggestions: I really liked the line with skin listed three times but then in the other two spots, it was distracting. It stood out and didn't flow quite right so it pulled me out of the verbiage. Otherwise, I don't have any suggestions.

Any noticeable typos: Nothing that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "A violent skin, quiet skin, bony skin
of a mournful silence" I really enjoyed how this flowed, something about it just rolled well.

In conclusion: This was a fascinating piece and all the more enjoyable since it was one of those self-discovered unknown treasures. Nicely done and write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!


What I love about your work: I like that you put the blame exactly where it belongs in this kind of situation. It's not the beer, it's not the car, it's not the bar/club, it's the driver. They made a decision to not care about their lives or others and it came at a very steep price.

Why I could relate to your work: So many different ways I relate to this. We had a friend who's son and most of his softball team were killed in a drunk driving accident. It broke her into a million pieces and she never recovered. I've had friends who have blown off having DUIs like it's not a big deal but I want to grab them and shake them, say it's the equivalent of an attempted murder. They knew it was wrong but felt it was worth taking the risk. Argh. And then we had a car totalled because my sister in law fell asleep at the wheel. While not drunk, driving in her state was absolutely the equivalent and thankfully she didn't hurt anyone, but she drove through a barbwire fence and took on a few trees. It's just not worth it. Especially not in this day and age. There are Ubers, Lyfts, friends willing to make a few bucks, walk, rent a motel room, anything but risk killing someone for a drive home when you can't shouldn't drive.

My suggestions: I didn't have any.

Any noticeable typos: Nothing that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "Driving drunk, a foolish choice" This set the tone and right away, properly placed the blame. I appreciated it because it let us, the reader, know exactly what direction this poem would take.

In conclusion: I like that this calls out poor decision making and how it can impact innocent lives. Great job and write on!


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37
37
Review of Scars  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: With what's there, it sounds like an intriguing idea. Makes me think of a psychic or a witch, something along those lines. Does stir up the curiosity.

My suggestions: It's really difficult to provide an opinion on this because there's not a whole lot of information. I think you should continue because every story deserves to be told, even if it's only to yourself.

However, when you do decide to continue it, something to keep in mind is showing vs. telling and passive voice. Eliminating passive voice and telling will make your story much more engaging and really pack a punch.

In conclusion: I think this has potential but there's just not enough there to judge. Get it out, tell your story and follow where the scars lead her. Write on.


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Review of The Potion  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (May 10, 2023)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I love fantasy stories with magic and misunderstood witches. This painted the scene well and invited you into the character of Beryl, to witness his kindness and potential to be a hero without even knowing it. This could definitely grow into a larger story.

Why I could relate to your work: I don't know if you've heard of the Sisters Grimm series, but I read it to my girls and your witch makes me think of Baba Yaga in there and then the tale mixing with Stardust by Neil Gaiman. In other words, it grabbed my attention.

My suggestions: In the beginning especially, you used a lot of passive voice (was, were, had) and showing vs. telling. I liked the interaction with the witch because you started to move towards more strong writing, engaging the writer directly with the story instead of reminding us that we were just viewers. If you can rewrite most of the sentences into more "action" lines without was, had, were, you will have a much stronger story.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed a few grammatical errors, missing commas, etc., but nothing that pulled me out of the story.

My favorite line(s): "The witch rolled her eyes heavenward, slumped her shoulders and let out a belabored sigh. “You young ones are all the same. Expecting an old woman to jump around, wave her hands and mumble some mumbo jumbo.”" I love this. I have a Greek grandmother who is very animated and for some reason, I see her as your witch. I hear her voice in my head as I read this. It cracked me up though when I read the next line.

In conclusion: I think you've got quite an interesting story. A little polish and it will really shine. i also think it's a strong introduction into a much larger fantasy piece. Well done and welcome to the WDC.


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39
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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!


What I love about your work: Such a sad little poem and a sad little piece of toilet paper. I think this was an interesting perspective from an inanimate item's point of view and it made one think.

Why I could relate to your work: I found myself wondering what did the poor crier have going on in their life that made the toilet paper witness so many tears.

My suggestions: I don't have any. I like it as is.

Any noticeable typos: Didn't see anything that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "My tears I hold will be taken by the clouds to then rain over the world hoping that these once sad tears can turn to tears of joy." How sad and beautiful all at once. A very nice finishing touch.

In conclusion: Admittedly, when I think of toilet paper, I don't think of crying but I like that this changed the typical perspective and gave us a new angle. Quite an interesting read, nicely done.


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40
40
Review of England  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!


What I love about your work: It certainly paints an interesting picture of England and some of the fine things it has to offer. Definitely associated wicket with England but not necessarily fudge :P

Why I could relate to your work: Honestly, now I'm craving some fudge. Thanks. I also like how it's about your birthplace, I think we all have a sense of pride when it comes to our origins that sometimes, must be expressed.

My suggestions: I don't really have any other than just keep in mind, poetry doesn't always need to rhyme. Sometimes, freeform can be used to really explore what you want to share.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "Every County is different in design and why not form a line as I want you the visitor, to be the judge and why not try some traditionally made fudge." Yeah, okay, admittedly it's cause of the fudge. Sounds delicious.

In conclusion: This was a fun piece that captured your love for England. Nicely done.


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Review of Come To Me  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Aw, such heartache captured in your work. There's so much pleading and promise penned in.

Why I could relate to your work: We've unfortunately probably all been there. Desperate, unrequited love. Mine was a childhood camp crush from when I was 8 until I was 16 and I don't even think he knew my name. I was just too shy to do much more than speak when spoken to at that point.

My favorite line(s): "Please love me unashamed." I feel like this line is so poignant. Isn't what we all want. Someone who will love us unashamed and just take us as we are? This was a beautiful line.

In conclusion: This was a very heartfelt poem and got the point across well. Write on.


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Review of Sibyl  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This made me think of American Gods, but more comical. Like I could almost feel the sass and bewilderment captured in here. It was a very entertaining read.

Why I could relate to your work: We have a friend who lives down in Florida and will send us pictures of jet-skiing or kayaking while alligators or manatees roam nearby. I love the shots of the manatees, they're so dang cute. So I totally envisioned the narrator enjoying such a place.

My suggestions: I would recommend pulling back on the dialogue tags a bit. We know who's speaking so not as many are needed.

Any noticeable typos: There were some grammatical errors, missing commas and such that were distracting.

My favorite line(s): "I was sitting on my backyard dock swathed in mosquito repellant and protected by an enormous golf umbrella." This, for me, really set the scene and also prepped you that it was going to be an entertaining story. Plus it gave you an inkling into who the MR was going to be.

In conclusion: This was a fun story and though it was overall entertaining, it was also a subtle reminder to do our best to be kind and treat our world with kindness. Nicely done.



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Review of Hecate  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What I love about your work: I liked the concept tying into Mother's Day though it's also very sad. I also enjoyed the concept of Hecate granting a desire in exchange for a price at the crossroads.

Why I could relate to your work: When I read "crossroads", admittedly I went to Supernatural the show. And then I love mythology, especially Greek, so Hecate grabbed my attention.

My suggestions: I know that it was a flash fiction entry so you were limited but this felt like details were missing. For example, if you know nothing of the crossroads legend, it's difficult to even fathom what kind of price she's asking for. The deal would benefit from being more fleshed out.

Any noticeable typos: Typo-wise, the only thing I noticed was the commas after an action instead of a dialogue tag. For example, "My lips twisted up in a slight smirk, "I have a deal for you."". After "smirk" should be a period instead of a comma because it wasn't a speaking tag but an action. This is something I have to be hyper-aware of in my work as well which is why I tend to notice it. but otherwise, I didn't see anything that pulled me out of the story.

My favorite line(s): I liked how it had the tricky dealing to it with the fact they weren't specific about their request, just said they needed to see her again, and that was all they got. They didn't even get a hug, just a view. Gods, goddesses, demons, etc., are notorious for when the details not spelled out, they will take advantage of you every time.

In conclusion: I think this has a lot of potential and would make a great longer story, with more of those details woven in. I found it intriguing with the touch of historical lore.


Write On!

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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: It's an interesting question and examination that has plagued most every human at one point or another. I think it's fascinating when people explore this side of humanity, what is true love? I also like that you explore love for more than a person, hobbies, objects (or memories), and then dive into relationships.

Why I could relate to your work: As someone who used to quote "true love if a fantasy created by the lonely", I find love to be one of those interesting constructs that can mean so many different things to each person you ask. It's grabs my attention when this topic is explored.

My suggestions: I would like to see more. Honestly. I enjoyed what I read and wanted to see some about the love for animals, and more exploration into the topic. I liked how this was both a personal inflection and something designed to provoke thought from your reader.

Any noticeable typos: The one that grabbed me the most, because it is one I have to watch with myself, is that loosing does not mean losing a game. It means something more like let go, released. I used to switch lose with loose constantly until my husband pointed it out that my father does it and now, lol, I'm super conscious of it. So just double check that you're using the right word.

My favorite line(s): "There are different types of love." There really is many types of love and this is something that people don't always recognize. Even among people, there is different types of love. I'm a personality lover and sometimes fall in love with personalities that makes it difficult to be objective or move on when I should. All while being very much in love with my husband. Anyway, saw that line and was like, yep, this is so true.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this. Again, I like the fact that you're both self-reflecting and engaging the reader. You leave us with the questions to ask ourselves while also giving your perception of what true love means. True love is a term I think can't be defined, at least not in simple words so I really enjoyed the invitation to explore the meaning. This was a pleasant read, write on!


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Review of Helping Hand  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: What I love about your work: I was instantly baited in with the idea that this kid may have been institutionalized for something not necessarily mental. What if he really saw his mom? Maybe he has visions or something but because his dad couldn't handle it, was thrown into an institution?

Why I could relate to your work: I love stories that make you wonder if it's real or not, if it's ghosts or mental health, so this made me want to know more.

My suggestions: This is a fantastic start. It really is. You've got a solid idea, an eerie situation that the reader wants to know more of, a character that is intriguing. I would suggest though, read this out loud. If you stumble, the reader is stumbling way harder.

There's also a lot of telling instead of showing in the beginning. It's more of an information dump than taking us through Scott's childhood. That section could be more fleshed out, explored throughout the story.

My favorite line(s): Honestly, I liked the end. It opened up such a can of interesting worms. I wanted to know more. Was he actually seeing his mom? Was he hallucinating? Had he sliced his wrist bad enough he was dying? It was very interesting.

In conclusion: I think you've got an interesting piece here that needs a bit of polishing to really shine. Keep on writing, look forward to seeing what you create!


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Review of More Lysol!  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What I love about your work: Just for the record, I am very thrown. I clicked this from the "Read a Newbie" section and I don't think you're a newbie :P. But I'm glad I picked it cause it was a fun read, appealed to my morbid side.

Why I could relate to your work: I love taking prompts that seem like they're intentionally placed to lead to cutesy works and twisting them into mangled beasts of the unconventional minds. Muahahahaha! I mean, I like to see if I can work against the typical expectations. Enjoyed something that was clearly doing the same.

My suggestions: I don't have a suggestion per say, I'm not normally a fan of rhyming schemes like this. Honestly, it distracts me, but with the twist in your work, I think it worked out well.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see any technical errors that pulled me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): "But though your body lies at rest
With heavy dirt upon your breast,
The smell of you has me obsessed,
I clean as though a soul possessed."

I loved this section. It was well played and really drove home the point before the last stanza.

In conclusion: I read your poem to my oldest and greatly enjoyed the reaction. let's just say you made her do a double-take and ask "what the..." It was a fun poem and I'm glad I stumbled upon it, even if it was in the Newbie section.

Write on!


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I saw this before on the day it was submitted and it was heartbreaking. The thought of some poor kid learning about himself being humiliated like that just tore at my heart.

Why I could relate to your work: I'm a mom and man, if any teacher put my kid through that kind of torment, they better be prepared for the hell I would rain down. I was furious reading it on behalf of the poor boy and wanted to bite Mr Paterson. Figuratively, of course.

My suggestions: This would have punched harder if it were written in a strong voice instead of passive. Passive is using the was, were, had voice.

Any noticeable typos: The last line was a bit of a struggle: "But unfortunately for him now, nor had anyone else." I can't quite place my finger on why, thinking maybe "did" instead of "had"? I think the idea that everyone knows his secret is a solid ending but the sentence is a bit awkward.

My favorite line(s): I don't know that any of it is my favorite line cause this is just a devastating situation but I think you really pounded home how atrocious it was with this: "He felt like throwing up as he padded down the corridor to meet his fate. There was no escape though.". I can feel this kid's terror.

In conclusion: This was a fantastic entry and was a rough read because of the situation. You penned it well and really brought it to life. Very well done.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Fantasy Newsletter (April 19, 2023)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I love the detail you go into. It paints a very vivid world. It also created a very intriguing storyline, one that invites you to explore what happened in the past and what will happen in their future.

Why I could relate to your work: We just finished up the last available episode of Mandalorian so I'm in a Star Wars mindset, especially with May 4th coming up, and this helped feed that itch. I could see this happening in a different corner of the universe.

My suggestions: I would recommend working on some of the verbiage. There are a lot of -ly adverbs that distract from the story telling instead of adding to it. For example, the paragraph that starts like this "But Nolan never got to answer that question because the outer perimeter alert buzzer interrupted him.". I was very distracted by quickly being in there twice to the point where I stopped, reread it and found myself counting the -ly verbs. They should be used sparingly to help strengthen your writing.

I would also suggest making sure the tenses are all correct. For example, in the first paragraph, there is both present and past tenses used but the opening lines could be tweaked to be past tense like the character's view, but still keep the tone of the opening.

Any noticeable typos: The typos that grabbed my attention were run-on sentences. There were many places where a period would better replace the comma or "and". But otherwise, asides from what I mentioned above, I didn't have my attention drawn out of the story.

My favorite line(s): So there were a few places I really enjoyed the story. Like I loved the battle of the cockroaches and read your description of them to my oldest cause she doesn't like cockroaches. However, I really liked this line in particular: "he turned at the bottom and blew him a kiss." I thought it was sweet and was such a small action that did such a big part in showing their relationship. It's dangerous, they both fear for each other, and even in the middle of that, there's a little romance gesture. It's cute and realistic for two people who are deeply involved.

In conclusion: This held my attention and there was a lot to enjoy. There are things I would suggest working on but your voice was very strong and created a beautiful world. Well done.


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Review of Silence Please.  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What I love about your work: I can appreciate this. I enjoy my music in certain elements but man, when I want my silence, I want my silence! I feel for Marie and I enjoyed how she took care of the problem.

Why I could relate to your work: I wish I could find such a creative and effective method of dealing with some noisemakers in the neighborhood. What peace it would bring!

My suggestions: Something I noticed with this one is that most of the sentences are started the same. Most of the sentences start with names, he, she, her or his. Sentence starting variety helps keep your readers' attention. Just something to be aware of.

My favorite line(s): "She walked over to the doors and locked them. She mumbled, “I hate disturbances.” Booyah, show him what's what! To be honest, this would have even made a great closer. It's so final and shows the deviousness of her plan.

In conclusion: I think this came together well. I loved more exploration into Marie's character and I'd like to see some of her. She seems like such a straight edge brat. I like her. She's probably one of my favorite characters in your universe.

Write on!


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50
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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there!

What I love about your work: You really set up the scene in this flash fiction piece. You could feel her fear, the tension, and then the finality of her strength. I liked it.

Why I could relate to your work: Having heard about these characters, or rather seen their art creation, I could picture it in my head.

My suggestions: I would recommend you read this one out loud. There were a few spots that tripped me up. For example: "Ghostly moved towards her, his tail bristled and moved in a threatening manner,". You don't need "moved" twice in one sentence.

Any noticeable typos: I've already brought it up with you so just reiterating here but if an action is occurring instead of a speech tag, it should be a period instead of a comma.

My favorite line(s): "She aimed her shot and pulled the trigger." This makes me think of that say, FAFO. I like it. It's a strong ending and gives her the badass final blow. Was the perfect ending for your flash fiction.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this. It's a strong piece and makes me curious what happened between Mikayla and Ghostly. Keep it up, your writing is very engaging and great at capturing scenes.


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