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101
101
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the interaction of the two boys, and how big brother is trying to preach but his audience is just too young. It's adorable.

Why I could relate to your work: I was very religious when I was younger too, I asked Jesus into my heart when I was three and went to church multiple times a week, and I can remember being as enthusiastic as your son. So, stirred up long ago memories and made me smile.

My suggestions: The verbs switch between present and past fairly constantly, which makes it hard to connect to the story. I think it should either be all past "was, had, were" or present "is, am, are".

Any noticeable typos: "My son Kaleb,is seven years old." Either a comma needs to go before Kaleb as well or the lone comma needs to be removed. As it stands, with the position of that comma, it reads as an unfinished sentence.

My favorite line(s): "Kaleb- (sounding startled) You don't love God?" I can just imagine the indignation of your son, sounds too cute.

In conclusion: I always enjoy pieces about the entertaining moments our children bring into our life. This was quite cute. Happy anniversary.



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102
102
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random reveals, and was pulled in by the color discussion, but stayed for the interesting story.

What I love about your work: The color significance definitely added a lot of intrigue to this story. I also loved the fantasy woven into the end section of this story, which really held my eye.

Why I could relate to your work: Fantasy is one of my favorite genres to read, so as soon as I saw mage, my curiosity went into hyper-drive. I mean, magic? Yes, please!

My suggestions: Morgan served King Jarrod's Royal Magus, and as her daughter Gwen would succeed her in that vein." With "as" in here, this felt like an incomplete sentence. I think either remove "as" or maybe add "such," afterwards.

I would suggest also beefing up the end a little. The conclusion felt too much like you were introducing us into a vast world, and then, it just kind of cuts off. It doesn't follow it through or conclude the scene. If it's part of something more, I would put an indication of that such as a chapter indicator or even a link to the rest of the tale.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything obvious, just what I've already mentioned.

My favorite line(s): I enjoyed the opening, as it was lush and full of detail, pulling us into the story. I imagined both ladies were probably very pretty, and the description made me mildly envious of their hair. I think it was a great opening for this scene.

In conclusion: I did enjoy this, but I think more could and should be done with it. It was well written, grammatically sound, the characters felt strong and as if they were stepping off the pages of an epic fairy-tale. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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103
103
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: What a depressingly dark take on a clown, but I enjoyed that aspect a lot. Deliciously disturbing, I enjoyed the climax and the idea of spreading laughter about.

Why I could relate to your work: I handle everything with laughter. Hate to say it, I would probably be laughing too even as I tried to get help for poor Bobo. And admittedly, I have a morbid sense of humor.

My suggestions: My biggest complaint is that I'm not a fan of the format. I found myself wanting to hit enter to help the story, and it definitely distracted me a bit. Otherwise, I don't have any other suggestions. I enjoyed the flow, the content was delightfully grim, and it was a pleasure to read.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out to me (other than the format ;) )

My favorite line(s): "I ran off to find little Jimmy to share my good news, and to see if I couldn’t make him laugh as well." Such a horrible though strong conclusion that left one shaking their head and imagining the horror poor Jimmy is about to be exposed to. I really feel like this was the perfect ending line to this story.

In conclusion: I liked this quite a bit, and not what I expected when I clicked on this. So twisted and sad, and funny in the worse way :D. Well done. And as they say, write on.



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104
104
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This was all very believable. Heck, going to your 10-year-reunion is scary for I think most people, but I can't imagine being in this scenario. How utterly terrifying. I loved the ending, though it didn't come as a surprise. When someone teases that much, my first thought is "methinks the lady doth protest too much".

Why I could relate to your work: As a bisexual female who took years to even recognize I might lean that way, I understand burying that side of yourself to fit into expectations.

My suggestions: "had an 'oh my god has it been ten years already' revelation" after the "oh my god...sweating" line felt too repetitive. I know the story is trying to establish voice, but it just felt like too much within only a couple of lines apart. I actually reread it to make sure I read it correctly.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really notice anything blatantly distracting from your story, only minor grammar things, nothing I could even remember five minutes later :P.

My favorite line(s): "Whenever I walked past they'd all jump and turn their ass away from me just in case I couldn't hold back my urges." This was my favorite in the sense that it truly established what this poor guy had to endure. Such bullarchy and cruelty dished out to hide a side of themselves that they fear. Yikes.

In conclusion: I thought this was an interesting read that anyone who has been to their ten-year can identify with, even if they're straight or bi or not into any of that fun. Overall, it flowed pretty well, presented believable characters and an easy to identify with situation. And like I said, loved the ending. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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105
105
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, hello there: Admittedly, when I read the title and saw the picture, I was afraid this was uh, well, more along the erotica genre than I wanted to read. I've stumbled across a lot of giantess porn, I mean erotica, on here, and wasn't real keep on reading more of it. But I thought I'd give it a chance...

What I love about your work: And I'm so glad I did. This is a really intriguing story-line. I felt very immersed and love Tina as the main protagonist. I definitely felt like this story worked with all of the reader's senses, and just sucked you into the story. I'm going to read the other two parts that are up in the review section, probably not today, but soon cause by golly, I want to know what happens to Tina and does she embrace the potential she has?

Why I could relate to your work: I am a sucker for a strong female protagonist. And while I don't have eight feet behind me, I do have 5'9 and have always felt out of place among average height women. So, I definitely felt a kinship with Tina.

My suggestions: "When she finally reached a platform her breathing was ragged, coppery taste in her mouth." This line didn't flow right, maybe change "was" to "produced a".

I also noticed you tend to use a lot of "and then" or even just "and" in your sentences. It tends to weaken the story, especially when there's not commas before them. I would recommend running your story through autocrit (awesome program) that helps pick out where your passive voice is coming out, repetition, etc. I love this story, but I think it could definitely benefit from some polishing.

Any noticeable typos: The biggest issue I noticed is the commas. Reading through, saw many spots where a comma would smooth out the writing. But I can't say much as commas are the bane of my writing existence, and drive me crazy. Either I have too many or too few. Anywho, autocrit might help with that too.

My favorite line(s): I don't know that I have a favorite line. I really enjoyed the part where she was at Gwen's house though and embraced who she is. While I don't necessarily agree with Tina's perception of her friend's career choice, I absolutely loved how she used it to discover herself.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this way more than I thought I would. I expected to read a few lines in, wrinkle my nose, and close it down in favor of something less fetish orientated. But this blew my expectations out of the water and left me wanting to read more. I love the sci-fi feel, but without being overly done. This feels realistic and you've produced very convincing characters. This feels like a strong story-line, and being buried in a world of debt and self doubt is something I think most readers can connect with. I will definitely be reading more, well done. As they say, write on.


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106
106
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Very heartfelt, and sad. A lot of emotion packed into this poem, and you did really well at conveying a story.

My suggestions: "Thought we’d be together till were old and grey,
But street life owned your heart." These lines disrupted the flow for me, but I'm not entirely sure it isn't because of the were. I had to reread it a couple of times and that could have easily thrown me off rhythm. But the second line seems so abrupt compared to the first, it just kind of dropped me.

Any noticeable typos: "Thought we’d be together till were old and grey, " I think this is supposed to be "we're" or if it is meant to be were, it doesn't read smoothly at all, and might be better reworded.

My favorite line(s): Honestly, I liked the opening and the ending. It felt full circle and was a strong conclusion.

In conclusion: This was a very sad, sincere feeling piece that showed the pain of losing someone to a darker aspect of life. Well done, and welcome to the WDC.


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107
107
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I don't know why, but the idea of porcelain tears pulled me in right from the beginning. It sounds so pretty and haunting all at once. I also loved the description of the the games the little girls played with their dear Hattie.

Why I could relate to your work: Growing up, I was concerned my toys were alive and when I would have to get rid of them, I'd feel so much guilt. Even now, maybe especially now after the Toy Story series, it's still a concern :P. So, this story hit a note with me.

My suggestions: My biggest complaint is the passive voice in this (and it's something I notice because it's also a weakness of mine). Passive voice forces the story into more of a telling scenario than showing, and as a reader, it makes it a bit harder for me to connect to the characters.

Any noticeable typos: "after glow" This is actually one word, afterglow.

There were a few more minor things such as punctuation and grammar, but if you run it through something like word or even autocrit, that should help it.

My favorite line(s): "'Twas then that I cried my porcelain tears." Ah, the first use of the porcelain tears. It set up such sadness, yet beauty.

In conclusion: I always enjoy when inanimate objects are given personalities, but like I mentioned earlier, does make me paranoid about the things I've gotten rid of. It's my inner hoarder coming out ;). Anywho, this was an interesting story that made one think about our special items, and how they impact those later in our lives. It was bittersweet, beautiful but sad, and not sure at the end whether I should feel pity or delayed excitement for the next time Hattie comes out. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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108
108
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This definitely tugged at one's heartstrings, and made me ache for the momma. What a terrible situation.

Why I could relate to your work: I once awoke to my cat having been in so much pain during labor that she climbed up in bed with me and gave birth to a still born kitten. I found its half-cleaned body next to my pillow, and it was both horrifying and heart-breaking all at once. This made me think of that moment.

My suggestions: "it ached to move." This line bothered me because I found myself wondering what ached to move? For the entire thing, the momma was known as a she, and this switch to "it" disconnects the reader from the dog.

I also don't know the limitations of the contest, but this seems like it would be stronger if it were fleshed out more. There's a lot of heartache to be explored here, a lot of details that could be added to really make it pop for the reader.

Any noticeable typos: "The dog lay unblinking beside the still body of her last pup" I think a comma before and after unblinking would help this read a bit smoother.

In conclusion: This definitely made me feel so much sorrow over all the dogs in the world who have had to share her situation. Being alone when you're hurting is a terrible place to be. Anywho, an interesting read. Welcome to the WDC, and as they say, write on.


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109
109
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month, Captain Jim!!!

What I love about your work: Asides from it's yet another enjoyable story? I loved the drama in this, the high speed action that just keeps flowing once that explosion kicks in. I found myself holding my breath for the last section, rushing towards the end as if swept up in the wave of a sinking ship. It was fun.

Why I could relate to your work: Gypsies have always fascinated me, so the title snagged me in, but the content kept me fascinated. Nicely done.

My suggestions: "Unfortunately she was never listened to by them," This line is a bit awkward, I would suggest rewording it just a touch to flow smoothly.

Any noticeable typos: “I wouldn't be so quick to judge a Gypsy woman Kevin," A comma would help show that the Gypsy woman is not named Kevin.

"Beth, her husband Kevin, and their best friends Mark and Sharon were on a Halloween midnight dinner cruise," Commas would be good here too with the names.

I noticed a few other spots commas would help the flow, and I notice the commas just cause they're my weakness too.

However, with that said, once they found the bomb, I lost track of errors and was dragged along by the story. So, that's all that really stood out to me.

My favorite line(s): "Looking towards the island, she saw the fin of a shark cut through the water not one hundred yards to her left." Evil chuckle, saw that coming when she noticed all the blood, but it was still a horrible delight when it appeared.

In conclusion: This was another fun story that I'mm glad I clicked on. Happy anniversary and thank you for helping make this site so much fun.


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110
110
Review of The Body  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: What a journey... and then the end, well, I got goosebumps from reading it and imagine it may be a very rocky friendship :P. This was cute, though in a shuddering, don't fall over the cliff, kinda way, and held my attention from beginning to end.

Why I could relate to your work: My little sister used to brutalize her male dolls. Every single one had a broken off leg because she was bound and determined, they were all going to do the splits. Shudder. So, I completely thought of her as I reached the conclusion. I also chose this cause I just read about the Green Boots body on Mt. Everest, so I was intrigued if it related to that at all.

My suggestions: There were a few lines that felt a bit repetitive, and just seemed there to pad the story. But overall, this flowed well and was a fascinating story. I loved the ending and was left chuckling.

My favorite line(s): "She loved mountains and everything outdoors. " Of course she does, cruel imaginative little child. Makes me think of the games I overhear my girls playing, yikes.

In conclusion: This was another fun piece and I'm glad I got to read it. Loved the very real horror of Ken's descent and then the conclusion was just a perfect wrap up. Well done, and happy anniversary again.



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111
111
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: My favorite "character" is Valerie. I enjoyed the description of her, she sounds like one rough lady *winking*. I did enjoy the personality being added through the main character's view of his metal partner.

Why I could relate to your work: Being a steampunk fan, I had to check this out. It's an interesting concept, made me think vaguely of the Leviathan series.

My suggestions: Okay, I have a few so here goes.

My first would be to work on formatting. Typically, when writing something like this, you want to separate out the lines better. When someone else speaks, they get a new line. One shouldn't have huge paragraphs with multiple lines of speech, various actions, etc, going on. It needs to be formatted.

Secondly, the opening is a bit rough to get through. It's interesting, but it feels kind of like it's all over the place, and doesn't really do much to draw the reader in. After taking part in various writers clubs and such, I've learned that first paragraph, particularly the first line, is really all of an impression you get to make on the reader. So, it really needs to pack a punch and be easy to follow to hook them in.

If you get a chance, you should try to read your work out loud. I'm terrible about doing it before I post it, but usually my kids con me into reading the stories to them, and when I do... lots of cringe-worthy moments, because reading out loud allows you to find the awkward lines. And if you find awkward lines, I guarantee they were ten times more awkward for your reader. It only takes a few lines that cause someone to stumble before they decide to move onto something else. So, I highly recommend reading this out loud and rewording the lines that make you stumble.

Another thought, when you have the daydream with his father, that scene should be in italics or something to differentiate it from the current reality.

I also recommend taking advantage of a site called autocrit (I swear by it). It will help you find repetition in your work, passive voice, etc. It's the editor that I hate being ;).

Any noticeable typos: I noticed quite a few places where a comma would be a great addition. Commas are the bane of my existence so I know what a pain in the rear they are to use correctly, but if you can have someone help you figure it out, it'll help your writing read a lot more smoothly.

My favorite line(s): "All legs and charm, but time had weathered her so she wasn't that pretty to look at any more but still very much the diamond even if in the rough." I liked the description of Valerie, a lot! Though this is one of those lines I'm talking about in the typo section. A comma should go before "but" and after "diamond".

In conclusion: I think this is an interesting story, but it definitely needs some polishing to really make it shine. I can see this developing further, but make sure to edit it and format it so readers are able to read through it without stumbling. Thank you for a fun read, and welcome to the WDC.


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112
112
Review of The Land Of Ons  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!! Well, given how much you help others with their anniversary reviews, it seems only fitting that I hit a few your way. Happy anniversary, thanks for all that do for everyone.

What I love about your work: I've never really looked at our words, lesson and moron, but this was an interesting take that broke them down in an entirely unique way. I chuckled, and had to nod my head in appreciation. I absolutely love plays on words and you brought this together very nicely.

Why I could relate to your work: My middle daughter was a narrator in her second grade's "Wizard of Oz" play so when I saw the title, I immediately had to read it. I mean, come on, a play on a play :P. Well worth a click.

My suggestions: I don't have any. This was short and sweet, flowed well, made me giggle, and yet left one thinking at the same time. Very enjoyable.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that stood out.

My favorite line(s): "“Well, it is inhabited by us, the Ons. I am one of the Less-Ons.”" and " “Yes, we become a Mor-On.”" These were kind of the ah-ha moment and "well duh" moments for me.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this conversation, and am glad I picked it to review. Again, thank you for everything you do for fellow anniversary celebratees. Happy anniversary!!!


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113
113
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I've had this open on my computer since I opened up Hooked, but I'm so glad I finally read it. Yeah, I enjoyed Hooked enough I had to give you another anniversary review.

What was there not to love? You set the scene up beautifully without doing an information dump. You gave us believable characters, an easy to relate to situation, and an overall creepy story. Kinda makes me want to go.

Why I could relate to your work: Someday, I have every intention of doing a "Haunted Tour of America" in an RV. I want to see the places that are reputed to be off, so this place sounds right up my alley.

My suggestions: Make it longer? Maybe give us Jack's interactions with other tourists? I liked it, would love to read more.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that stood out to me, though to be fair, this was so good it would have had to be painfully obvious to distract me from your words. I loved this.

My favorite line(s): I just reread it trying to find a favorite section, and realized, I enjoyed the whole thing. I love the character development and the dialogue felt natural. I couldn't pick one favorite aspect as the whole thing entertained me.

In conclusion: This was a fantastic, believable tale that left me with excited goosebumps. It was well done and chilling. As they say, write on



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114
114
Review of Hooked  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: It's difficult for writers to pull the whole switching between viewpoints, but you did so seamlessly. Each character felt strong and their viewpoints contributed to moving the story forward. Well done.

Why I could relate to your work: I love a good, gruesome tale so just your description alone pulled me in. The writing, though, held me all the way through, right until that last little slice.

My suggestions: With the description and then that opening, I might have been laboring under the impression you were gonna throw a twist and make Calvin a cat. Do I have any suggestions on how to make it more human? Not at all, just something I wanted to let you know in case I'm not the only one who got a little hung up on he was actually human :P. Or at least, something similar to human. Not entirely sure since he's always hungry.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that pulled me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): "Arlo the butcher watched the kid eat, amused, disgusted, and fascinated. He never had to advertise--the ones who wanted his “special” products could always smell it. It was like a sixth sense with them." I already suspected what the delicious smell was, but this just confirmed it for me. Shudder. Creepy but friendly Arlo.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this story quite a bit. I liked the grotesque content and appreciated how you wrote about an incredibly nasty subject, but did so tastefully (no pun intended). It wasn't overly gross, just enough detail to stir up our imaginations. If you get a chance, you should swing by the Screams!!! (link below) and either read some of our entries, or even better, enter. We're always on the prowl for more horror writers :D.

Anywho, happy anniversary, and as they say, write on.

FORUM
SCREAMS!!!  (GC)
A Terrifying Contest Of Horror And Three Time Quill Award Winner!
#2020439 by Lilli 🧿 ☕




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115
115
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the characters. In such a short span, you wove strength and vitality into them and made me want to grow close with them. What I love about your work is that I want to read more of this tale :P.

Why I could relate to your work: I love fantasy. That is hands down one of my favorite genres to read. This was a fascinating read and made me want to delve further into their world.

My suggestions: Honestly, this needs more. It was such a rich story that it felt rushed. It would be interesting to see more of Adriana's and Beth's interaction, more of Maria's in the beginning so we have more feeling for the depth of her betrayal and attempt to save the twins. I think you could make this into a much larger story.

Any noticeable typos: Ha ha ha, yeah, no... I was too focused on your story to notice anything minor, and there wasn't anything major to pull me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): I don't have a favorite line or part so much as a favorite character. I love the stone lion, and would like to see more of him. I liked that she dreamed of him. It was a definite "Aw" moment.

In conclusion: I really enjoyed this. Thought the characters were strong, it flowed well, it was well done. Like I said, would love to read more of it. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.


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116
116
Review of Awestruck  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I can picture this scene thanks to the imagery you used. It sounds beautiful, and I kinda want to hear the song of the frog.

Why I could relate to your work: I adore storms, so this spoke to me right away. I love the actual storm and then watching it being chased away.

My suggestions: I don't really have anything to offer.

Any noticeable typos: Nothing distracted me from your words.

My favorite line(s): "Tangled, knotted cobwebs
Dangle between broken branches" This set the scene right away. And it was interesting enough to make me want to read the rest of the poem.

In conclusion: A beautiful read, well done. Happy anniversary.



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117
Review of Still  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I love all the imagery you managed to mash into this short poem. It was candy for the senses. You wove this beautiful spell with only a few lines, and it just appealed to me on more than one level.

Why I could relate to your work: Honestly, this made me want to go camping. I know, probably not your intention, but it made me long for that quiet sense of peace when my family and I go out into the middle of nowhere where phones don't work and you can't hear any trucks driving by. It's just us and nature, and I LOVE it. Your poem reminded me of the quiet place in my soul that awakens there.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that leaped out at me or pulled me away from your work. It was beautifully done.

My favorite line(s): So, I've reread it now like three times and still can't pick out a favorite line. This all flowed so well together and like I said, just amazing amount of sensory work in this. You've penned feelings, longing, physical beauty, sounds, even, unintentionally smells by association, into this. I just really enjoyed how it all came together. I cannot pick a favorite line.

In conclusion: I loved this piece and look forward to seeing more of your work blossom on here. Well done and welcome.


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118
118
Review of Nightmare  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Well, first off, I read this after I read another story of yours that I'd already reviewed. So, I can honestly say I enjoy the voice you inject into your work. You make the tales feel very personal.

I liked your play on the traits of our minds here. I found it very entertaining and an interesting perspective of our emotions.

Why I could relate to your work: Aw, who hasn't had a nightmare that's thrown us off course and made us question our own minds? I may have to think of this story next time my mind is frazzled from Nightmare causing havoc.

My suggestions: I noticed this with the first story too, but you tend to use numbers instead of writing them out. If the numbers are under a hundred, you should write them out. Otherwise, your reader can get pulled from the story, almost like a shock to the mental system when they stumble across the numbers.

Also, I noticed in quite a few places that there were missing commas. I would recommend just rereading this out loud to help catch them. I can totally relate to the commas being a pain, I swear, they're my arch-nemesis.

Any noticeable typos: Only the comma issue really stood out to me. Otherwise, I was enjoying the story too much to catch any other errors.

My favorite line(s): I don't know that I could really pinpoint a favorite line, or even part. I loved how you revealed all the different emotions, and built up the explanation of why Stoicism was having a bad day. I thoroughly enjoyed the revelation at the end about what the dream pertained to. It was truly an enjoyable story from beginning to end.

In conclusion: I liked this a lot. There are only a couple of things I would tweak to really make it flow, but otherwise, it rocked. You have quite a talent with words. Happy anniversary.


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119
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: You address comma concerns straightforward and have created an easy to understand, informative piece. Nicely done.

Why I could relate to your work: Commas are my kryptonite. We have a very rocky relationship with each other, so I completely appreciate a helpful article like yours. You help pinpoint some of the more common comma issues and give great examples to help straighten us out.

My suggestions: I do not have any to offer. This was well put together, easy to comprehend, and something I'm sure I'll reference once or twice when I'm feeling beaten up by comma nemesis.

My favorite line(s): " I'm far from a comma guru." Is there such a thing? Commas are so manipulative, such antagonistic punctuation, I can't help but wonder if such a creature as a comma guru can be real. Commas are evil, doing their best to outwit us at every turn. Shudder.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this piece. As I've stated, I can identify, and appreciate it. Though, admittedly, I'm guaranteed to still fall prey to the comma, but it's nice to have such a reference piece. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.


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120
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Usually I don't enjoy rhyming poetry, it butchers the english language and forces the reader through awkward lines, but you pulled this off so well. It was cute and such a reminder that no matter how insignificant we think someone else is, they can be something more grand than we even imagined. I loved how you pulled it together, well done.

Why I could relate to your work: This is certainly something I could share with my daughters and can even picture as a cute Christmas book.

My suggestions: “I have been selfish, boastful, I’m sorry” he mumbled. This is the only line I have a beef with. It broke the flow up a bit and I had to go back and reread it a couple of times to get back into it. I think I would suggest perhaps putting the "I'm sorry" at the beginning instead of the end, but that is truly the only thing that disrupted my rhythm.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me from your words.

My favorite line(s): "The Snowflake just laughed “Well if you must know,
I want to be the MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS SNOW!!" Send that Snowflake this way, I would like the magic of Christmas snow here. But alas, the fun of living in the desert, I'll only get to daydream about it with such delightful tales as yours.

In conclusion: I loved this. It had a great lesson, a beautiful flow, wonderful detail and believable characters. You pulled this together well. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.


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121
121
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the dream atmosphere, especially the opening. Between the opening and the diner, I find myself wondering if it's real or if it a dream, which I thought was a clever way of portraying this.

Why I could relate to your work: When my husband was a Marine, we had to live in 29 Palms. The passage between home and that place (shudder) seemed similar to the opening scene, making an instant connection for me.

My suggestions: I would recommend checking out wordhippo. It's a site that provides thesaurus help, but like on steroids. In the first few paragraphs, looked and looking were overused, distracting me from the story. Try to avoid repetition.

I also didn't enjoy where you told us about many of the things occurring in this story rather than showing us. I know that's something so many people try to pound into our heads but it really does make the difference between just something you read and something you remember. Show, don't tell. Share more details, tell us about the diner, don't tell us about the events unfolding but rather show us action for action, words spoken, etc., involve the reader in the story rather than making them a spectator.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that blatantly stood out.

My favorite line(s): I liked the opening because you were so detailed. It does need a little polishing to really make it shine, but I think it created this oppressive atmosphere and still felt so dreamlike all at once. It was interesting and drew me in.

In conclusion: I think this could be a fascinating tale, one leaving us questioning reality in the end and where the road will ultimately take this carload, it just needs a bit of work to really make it stand out. Great atmosphere. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.


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122
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love how your mix apathy with sadness, the images of the rain and the blood, and the disinterest when it comes to voting time. I thought you painted a very realistic scene.

Why I could relate to your work: I'll admit, I haven't voted at every election I should have, but there's always a myriad of excuses. And I know that I'm not the only one as other folks I know can attest.

My suggestions: My number one complaint is the format. A block of text looks just like a block of text. The reader tends to drone on and it makes it difficult to absorb the words. I would suggest breaking it up a bit.

Also, I realize you use we and us to put the reader in with the narrator, but the impression is that the narrator has multiple personalities. It's a bit distracting, but that's really the only thing that actually bothered me about the writing. The rest of it flowed well, great imagery, it came together very well.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that distracted me from your words.

My favorite line(s): "As we sit back on a comfortable chair, a shot rings out half a world away. A tan uniform turns red, a cry is muffled by the stifling desert heat and a six year-old girl will never see her daddy again." I don't know that calling this my favorite is correct as much as this made the greatest impression on me. It shows how much we take our safety for granted, how others lose so much while we turn our eyes the other way.

In conclusion: Overall, I liked this. I think it had a strong message or two and is worth reading, especially near election days. Nicely done and happy anniversary.



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123
Review of A Family Tragedy  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random read and decided to give it a try. I didn't know what a storeom was and looked it up, so lol, thanks for the new word moment.

What I love about your work: I liked how you tied the rain in with the funeral, the idea that even the Angels mourned for a young life lost. I also feel you did a great job at bringing to life the dark emotions.

Why I could relate to your work: We've all read the horror stories where a simple mistake, innocent on its own, cost someone everything. This brought to mind a few of those tales I've come across and I find myself praying they never happen to my family.

My suggestions: Admittedly, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole storeom thing. It felt more story than poem, just the lines broken up in odd places to try to make it fit into the structure of a poem. With that in mind, I didn't want to provide critical advice on something that doesn't quite make sense to me. So, instead, I'll simply offer the positives I saw in this as opposed to things I think you can fix. You painted the scenario well (though I think you might want to add some transition between the funeral and the boy's death), captured the emotions heart-wretchedly so, and created a situation any parent might be aggrieved by, reminding us to think how our actions impact our children.

My favorite line(s): "Fitting that the crying

of the heavens lasted for days, just abating this morning
because the angels have run dry of tears." I just love the idea of the angels bawling for this child. It was pretty, romantic, and sad all at once.

In conclusion: I'm still left on the fence about the storeom idea, but the writing was solid as was the concept. An interesting read that as I said, educated me on a new word. Nicely done. As they say, write on.


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124
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: The fact that when I was done reading it, I was so smiling so much my face ached. I liked the ease and honesty with which you shared your horror moments. Could picture it in my mind and shuddered with you. It was a very enjoyable read.

Why I could relate to your work: I used to be a spider lover, played with the Daddy Long Legs, saved them from being squished. Then I moved to 29 Palms with my then Marine husband. The military housing was not sealed very well and it wasn't uncommon to wake up to shadows of spiders the size of quarters above our bed. My husband once came home to about a foot and a half of juice from a spider on the wall, it was that freaking big, and I wouldn't touch it after I smashed it. I became terrified of them, especially as we were in the middle of the desert where there are venomous spiders. Now, seven years out of there, I can tolerate finding them outside and stuff, and even allow that if they're out of sight, they can be inside. But if I find one on me or in my stuff, it's on. So, I read this with all that in mind, both grinning in humor and remembered terror.

My suggestions: The only thing that bothered me were your numbers. Typically, in order to keep from distracting the reader, you want to write out numbers under a hundred. The actual digits are a bit jolting from your words, but that was seriously my only complaint. Otherwise, I loved the flow, loved the word choices, the adventures you took us on, and how you rounded this out. Well done.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't notice any typos that pulled me out of your story.

My favorite line(s): "I admit I have no official diagnosis. It's not as though I went to the doctor one day with strange spider-fearing symptoms and she said, "I'm sorry, Amy, but you have arachnophobia." And yet there is no doubt in my mind that I fear spiders. " I think this was a wonderful opening, introducing us to what the story would be about, interesting enough we wanted to read more and may even identify with it, and it set the tone of your voice right from the beginning. I knew this would be a fun exploration of some of your spider mishaps, and that I would be left chuckling and shaking my head when I was done.

In conclusion: I absolutely loved this. Though, admittedly, my heart still clenches at the thought of finding those quarter sized spiders above my bed (thanks for reminding me :P). Overall, this was just a delightful read that I would recommend and may have to read again when I'm having a stormy day. Wonderfully written. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary!


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125
Review of Adiemus  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: You penned some beautiful imagery into this. Quite a treat for my eyes.

My suggestions: I don't really have any. This was an interesting write that left you contemplating it long after you finished reading it.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me from your words.

My favorite line(s): "There is hope amongst the blades,
Though death seems with them, always." Yeppers, how we can relate.

In conclusion: I thought it was very pretty, a pleasant read. Nicely done. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.



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