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51
51
Review of Jacket Thief  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What I love about your work: I love that you've captured the different personalities very well in this short section. Each person had a distinct personality. I also liked the scene, it played out well.

Why I could relate to your work: This feels like a familiar scene in our household. Crescents, being distracted by family while something ornery happens. I enjoyed it.

My suggestions: If a person is doing an action instead of just speaking, you shouldn't use a comma. For example, the opening line should be two lines. Althia looked between Agent and Kitty before slamming her palms against the table, “Alright guys, I have a plan.” After "the table" should be a period, not a comma. Commas should be used if it's a speech tag but if it's an action, a period.

Any noticeable typos: "after causing havoc in the base.." I'm pretty sure the extra period doens't need to be there.

My favorite line(s): Athena growled, “Oh, hell no.” This cracked me up. I could totally here this and picture it in my mind.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this and thought it was a great scene. The characters had depth and you could picture it happening. Well done.

Write on!


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52
52
Review of Guardians  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: The idea is very attention catching. Definitely wanted to read more.

My suggestions: My suggestion is that when you're writing it, make sure you weave this information into the story and avoid doing an information dump. I'd almost like to see it being an elder sharing the story later on after the boy has discovered his powers.

My favorite line(s): "After many milennia, the humans evolved, losing their powers in the blood line. But in the heart of a big city, one group of guardians still remains..." Oh shnap, you know this is going somewhere good.

In conclusion: I think you've got a fantastic story idea and I hope you run with it. Bring it to life! And of course, welcome to WDC!


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53
53
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: It's very cute. I like how you captured the innocence of a youngling.

Why I could relate to your work: As a parent, i remember that young age. Everything was a "what's this", "why". Curiosity is at its peak, kids want to know everything.

My suggestions: My suggestion is actually for your description of your story. That's the first introduction to your tale so it's important to make sure there aren't typos. Your toddler's curiosity is missing the apostrophe.


My favorite line(s): I love this wrap-up: "The bracelet had yet to break but his wish had already come true." It's so cute. It explains their relationship and is sweet.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this. It was short, sweet, and a great exploration of your story.


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54
54
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This was a very interesting adventure. The Winter Coat is an feisty little winter piece@

Why I could relate to your work: My girls each have clothes items that they adore and it's near impossible to shake them out of. My oldest has a sweatshirt, my middle wears pencils in her hair (yes, typically between 2-5 at a time, and everywhere) and my youngest, I just had to chase her out of her pants that turn into shorts because they were worn for third day in a row. It's time for a different outfit! I just found myself thinking of the girls as I read your tale, it's easy to identify with.

My suggestions: I found myself questioning "But what about Susie?" Was she okay with sharing the coat, losing it to the adventures of her brother, how did they work that out? I thought the overall story was cute but felt that was a loose end that needed some loving attention.

In conclusion: This was an adorable story with an interesting concept. With it starting out about Timmy's wild imagination, I found myself still questioning if it was his imagination or real, which I liked. I think Susie should be more explored if it's her coat but other than that, it was a fun read.


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55
55
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (5.0)
You had me at the scent of rosemary. I LOVE the smell of rosemary. I also loved the description of the beauty you described. I want to see the flowers, want to return to the redwood sanctuary and enjoy the northern beaches. We went up there last year and it was such an experience. Your poem evoked longing and appreciation and made me want to go outside to sniff the few flowers we have in our heat.

Very sweet and enjoyable. Well done.


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56
56
Review of Luck of the Draw  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to writing.com! I found you on the newbies and thought I'd take a gander.

First off, this man has the worse luck! Like, ever! Or does he? Sounds like maybe that was a kind mercy in the end.

So, I really liked the concept. Everyone knows an old butthead like this, whether it's a neighbor or an unfortunate family member. His character came through strong. I also know the pain of inconsiderate neighbors. Ours had a live band playing in their backyard until early morning, when the cops finally broke it up for the final time, so I feel his frustration.

I got the feeling this was for a contest entry so you were limited by word. If that's the case, I do have a suggestion. Focus less on the unimportant couple in the beginning, the details of their careers and family doesn't give anything to the story but it does limit what you can do with the end.

Franny's reaction felt extremely rushed and an odd drop of information given what just happened. Their dog is dying, bleeding out, the ceiling just collapsed and pierced her husband, cranky ol' bugger that he is, and her reaction is "that sucks, here's a bunch of info"? Even in the little buildup we had of Franny, it felt so out of character and out of line for the situation, it was difficult to swallow. If you focus less on the opening couple so you have more word count, you can allow Franny's reaction to flow more naturally. Maybe have her scream and panic for a moment before realizing it works in her favor. The ending just felt too abrupt.

If this is not for a contest entry and there's not a time constraint, I would also suggest working on the technical aspect. There are many missing commas and such that would make this flow smoother.

Excited to see what else you bring to writing.com. Good luck and keep writing.


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57
57
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this short venture into your large world. I loved how much info you managed to cram into less than 300 words. Very impressive. We get some of the backstory, get the current story and feeling, and get a solid conclusion that you know cannot help but lead to some sort of trouble.

I do have an eyeful recommendation. I find that some of your focus points mirror mine. I have a thing for over-mentioning eyes. It happens but you might want to find other ways to mention looking at things/people. "... his gaze fell upon..." or instead of "her eyes narrowed", try "her face dropped" or explore maybe she has a tick that betrays her frustration. Maybe the corner of her mouth turned down or brow furrowed or she puckered her lips or hands twitched.

I really liked how you brought the personality in the characters. This is another great cornerstone of the bigger things but I like that this does stand on its own. I'm excited to see how you weave this into your story or are you going to try doing a side story that explores their relationship? Anyway keep it up.


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58
58
Review of Recommendation  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to writing.com!

I'm so excited you've joined the legions of us! I'm excited to see what works you bring here and intrigued to see how you flesh this into your main story.

I do have a recommendation after reading through this: "She looked to the door and with her best customer voice she could muster," I would change the first "her" to "the". It reads a little smoother.

Good luck! And happy to have you!


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59
59
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Aw, everyone's got to love power trippers. The professor doesn't want his time wasted but thinks nothing of wasting sixty plus students' time to pick a fight with one. It was an interesting read.

Why I could relate to your work: I've never understood people's mentality like the teacher. Empathy goes much further than being a power tripping brute. If you can't stand leave well enough and need to make a scene over the phone, at least find out why the student is on the phone. Anyway, we've all encountered someone like this, on both sides of that fence.

My suggestions: I would suggest avoid having the "characters, day, time and season" part. It didn't add to the story, but distracted from the writing. It felt too much like a play setup when you were sharing a tale. Also, not everything there was relevant to the story. For example, the day and time did not add anything, nor did the season. It's better to show those details in the story versus tell us if you need to have them in there.

For example. When you discuss the tensions, you can mention that it was the halfway mark through the week (which let's face it, feels like one of the longest days of the week :P), make note of how the morning light streamed in through the windows, blossoms and twittering birds strained everyone's attention... things like that.

My favorite line(s): "The dean’s office has not opened yet. We will go back after class,” Professor Bile said. “Let’s resume our lesson.”

I enjoyed this because it was one of those moments where you know he got knocked down a peg. And that was needed because again, he's upset about his time but is comfortable wasting all the students' time.

In conclusion: Would love to know what happened to Alienus afterward. Did she get booted from the class? Did she file a complaint? What happened, lol? Anyway, it was a fun read, gave a unique perspective into an interesting moment in class.


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60
60
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (5.0)
What I love about your work: Aw, this is beautiful and sweet. Something I feel like many of us can relate to. It invites that acceptance, to overlook what others see as "different" and realize we are the same beneath.

Why I could relate to your work: I didn't have it from birth but I was in a car accident when I was 11. It caused permanent physical damage and health issues that I will have for the rest of my life. Sometimes, it's hard not to feel the restrictions and judgement because of something you can't control.

My suggestions: I don't have any suggestions, it gets the point across and shares your views.

My favorite line(s): "I do not fear or judge you." This is strong and poignant, something I wish we could find more of. It's easier to judge than to recognize we're all human.

In conclusion: I very much enjoyed this. It was beautiful, expressive, and straight to the point. Well done.


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61
61
Review of Understanding  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well, hello there: Fantastic job on getting out a full scene in such a short collection of words! Not an easy task.

What I love about your work: I can picture this. Can see the father's confusion, the kids pleasure at getting to help make a mess, and the mother casually dropping the request for help.

Why I could relate to your work: I've definitely had moments where my husband has walked in, looked at the condition of the living room and asked about it. Recently in fact, the couch got moved to the other side of the room so I could clean under it. Scary. Shudder.

My suggestions: I know you're limited by word count with the contest but some of the phrasing was a bit awkward to make it fit.

For ex.: "Now bordering on very angry, but detoured by confusion..." This was a bit confusing to me, so I felt his confusion there but not in the way you intended.

I would also suggest trying not to repeat words, especially in so short of a space. For example, looked, looked and looking were all used in the first paragraph. tornado was used twice, and walked twice. Alternatively: appeared, seemed, examining. tornado, twister. walked, stepped, strode, skipped. Wordhippo is great (I would daresay better than a thesaurus) at helping find alternative words. It's hard not to reuse words but it helps strengthen your writing and in flash fiction, gives you the added benefit of often taking out unnecessary word count that can be used elsewhere.

My favorite line(s): "The kids and I are doing a deep cleaning, can you pull out the sofa with me so we can clean under it?” Oh, I felt this. Again, I've been there, not too long ago. I doubt he was prepared to run from the dust bunnies hidden under there.

In conclusion: The scene came out strong, especially given how little wiggle room there is with 300 words. Think you should come up with the second part for a future entry, the attack of the dust bunnies or couch critters. It came from under the couch? Rise of the Deep Cleanse? All right, I'll stop but it would be fun to consider. Anyways, this was a fun read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review of Addiction  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I found it an interesting view into your world. Lots of poetic phrasing in here and it painted a unique experience.

My suggestions: I would start with your intro entry. This wasn't really a story, it was more a stream of consciousness. Both are good reads but require different mindsets from the reader. Had I been prepared for a stream versus expecting a story, my perspective would have changed.

I'd also recommend polishing this. Streams of consciousness are always a fascinating insight into the writer's world, but it's often difficult for the reader to follow. Having someone read it out loud to you will help you see where they're stumbling and having difficulty following along. Or, if you're not comfortable with out loud, there are programs like autocrit and prowritingaid that help catch hard to follow spots.

My favorite line(s): "We are all addicted to something." This line was an anchor in here because it's true. We all have our vices, we all have something that we use to distract ourselves and can't let go. While most of your work was very personal to your experience and felt like a window into you, this particular line tied all of it together to the reader. No one can deny its truth or misinterpret it. Would have liked to see it used somewhere near the end too just to remind the reader that they're not able to escape that addiction.

In conclusion: This was a fascinating read and took you tumbling into a rabbit hole of self examination and questioning. I would love to see what it's like if you take a second or third look at it, what the difference would be between the drafts. Keep on writing and welcome!


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63
63
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This gives a whole new perspective of moderating what you eat. Yowsa. Granted, you also shouldn't play with a spider lady.

Why I could relate to your work: I've always enjoyed the old nursery rhymes and Grimm Brothers and I love different takes on those stories. I liked that this approached the story from a different angle. It was fun though gross at the same time.

I also have a highly experimental cook in my family who likes to test out their creations on us before daring to try it themselves, so this especially struck home.

My suggestions: There were a lot of errors and run-on sentences that distracted from the story. There are some excellent programs out there to help polish up a story, autocrit, grammarly, even software like google docs or microsoft word would help just tighten this up.

My favorite line(s): ""itsh sho gowd, I jusht wanna shtuf muhself unhil I pop!" Betty exclaimed, rubbing her growing gut as she ate more and more."

I'm totally sitting there going "You stupid little girl, don't eat more" but of course, she's going to eat more. She's already in the trap.

In conclusion: This was a fun twist of an ol' tale and I really enjoyed reading it. It can use some editing to really make it shine, but I would read more like it. Welcome to writing.com and keep on writing!



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64
64
Review of Ghost Hunter  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Aw, I miss the Screams contest...

But ol' times nostalgia set aside, this was a fun story.

I liked the atmosphere you built in the graveyard; very wet, heavy and smothering. Moisture in the forest does weird things to sound and I like that you capture that well.

Also, knowing that this was for the Screams, I know you have to build the world and characters and story arc in a very small word count in a very quick amount of time. Think you definitely created something attention grabbing.


So much so that I admit, I'd like to see this further developed. I'd like to travel the path with them, being buried in detail, muffled footsteps, overgrown passes, even the birds grew quiet, etc., more showing than telling. I'd like more history of the village, what led to the spirits.


And given the expertise of Chuck and Haldor in their respective areas, the actions they took felt a little out of character.

Chuck tells everyone to stick together then pulls Haldor away from the group. Just screams inviting trouble and in direct conflict of what he'd just said.

Haldor also is a "ghost hunter" but we only this in his statement and nothing further. His actions do not show it. Was this his first adventure? Is he a ghost hunter in the sense that he's just looking for the experience, not trying to capture the experience or anything? Also, he almost fell in an open grave, stepping without verifying there's ground in front of him seemed like that moment in the movie where you're yelling at the victim to run out the front door but they charge up the stairs instead.

I think the above situations resulted because of the need to bring the story to life in only a few words but if you ever revisit this and decide to grow it, I would keep those actions in mind and see if there are things you can change to strengthen the characters.


There were a couple of awkward lines that forced me to reread them a few times and they still tripped me up. I'd read your stories out loud to help eliminate those lines. It doesn't get them all or every time but it helps.

A brief drive through the town and out on the road that seemed to be headed towards the mountain brought him to Chuck’s shack. - Just suggestions: "Through the town and towards the mountain, the road carried him to Chuck's shack." "A brief drive through town popped him out on a road headed towards the mountain. It carried him to Chuck's shack." "Following the clerk's directions, it didn't take long before he arrived at Chuck's shack."

Weeks later, the coroner could not bring himself to enter the cause of death of the group as the result of screaming mouths filling with soil as the weight of earth pressed down on struggling bodies. - Just a suggestion: "Weeks later, the coroner couldn't bring himself to enter the cause of death. Mouths filling with soil, the weight of earth pressing down on struggling bodies."


With that all said, which I know is an insane amount, I enjoyed this story. The atmosphere was so eerie and appeals to the side of me that wants to go on a "haunted tour of America" someday. I really liked how you built it up. Take what you will from my review and appreciate you bringing this to life, or maybe to death, might be the better comment?

Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review of The Funeral  
Review by Siobhan Falen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was creepy.

I could picture the details, the tension in the kid, standing at the door and seeing the light underneath. Yikes.

There weren't any grammatical errors that yanked me out of the story. I was invested so there might have been some but again, not enough to pull my attention from the tale.

However, there were a couple of details that drew my attention from the full story.

1.) You use a paragraph to "tell" us about the twins but you never "show" us the twins or utilize them. The one time they come into play, it's just to distract Dad while Joey wanders down the hall. That paragraph could have been reduced to a line explaining that the two younger brothers shared a room while the oldest had his fortress of solitude. I would have preferred to either see the twins used more in the story or their description reduced so we're not left wondering why the description matters.

2.) I want to know why Mom would kill Dad. I think this could have been explored through Joey's eyes earlier. Maybe he overheard or saw something he shouldn't have, like Mom begging Dad to join her, sobbing as he threw her out that if he loved her, he wouldn't be throwing her out but would die with her, something that would shock the kid but lie dormant until he understood his father going into the room meant the end. It felt like you had this delightful build up, this exploration of Joey and his father's dynamics, a good hold on Mom being lost but present, and then, so abrupt... almost to the point of the ending feeling like "And then he died." You painted such a beautiful picture with the details you included about Mom, Dad, Joey and his Dad, the tension, and then no real details of what happens after Dad goes in the room. I realize word count may have been the stopping point here but I'd LOVE to see it fleshed out more.

Anyway, take my advice as you will but understand, I leave it as a fellow writer who really enjoyed this and shared sympathy and concern for your MC. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well, hello there: This was fantastic. I had to read it after the glowing Screams!!! praise and was not disappointed

What I love about your work: Might be easier to list what I don't love, but that wouldn't be a very exciting review. I enjoyed the voice of the story, the details, the intriguing story, and the sudden, abrupt end. I can see this being developed into a full on series going into how the cursed items were retrieved and the nature of their curses once Michael finished devouring them. It was a wonderful read.

Why I could relate to your work: I love horror so how could I pass up on such an intriguing read. You created this dark atmosphere without actually ever delving into gore, it was beautifully done

My suggestions: More? No... that's all I got

Any noticeable typos: There may have been a few, but I was so caught up in the story that I truly didn't notice. You captured a lifetime in a few words, well done.

My favorite line(s): "Buzzing with excitement, a murmuring crowd surrounded the little stage."

Right from the start, you drew us in. And it only got better.

In conclusion: I would definitely read more of this and think the win was well given. Excellent tale, a delicious read indeed


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67
67
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thought I'd give you a review as a congrats for earning yourself a spot on the
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#1635349 by Not Available.


What I love about your work: It's a cute rendition of Halloween, and a great reminder of keep your pets inside... especially if you live in the city where animals do disappear. Shudder.

Why I could relate to your work: Have always enjoyed Halloween and the darker things in life, as do my daughters, so when I saw the title combined with it was for a kids contest, I had to read it.

My suggestions: I feel like this bounces around without a smooth transition from one point to the next, but that is my personal feeling.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that took me out of your work.

My favorite line(s): I liked the part about the spider web and would have liked to see it developed just a touch bit more.

In conclusion: It was a cute read that reminds us to take care of our pets on Halloween. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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68
68
Review of Shadow  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I love the self reflection, discovering a path that could ultimately bring you happiness you've never known. I also enjoyed the tone of this piece, very natural and familiar feeling.

Why I could relate to your work: I'm pretty sure most of us "artists and writers" suffer from some dark place in our soul. Even at thirty-two, my world sometimes seems to be spiraling into that shadow-land with no hope of dragging myself out. It makes me smile knowing someone else is finding a way out of theirs.

My suggestions: The format at the bottom looks like it could use a little tweaking, but otherwise, I don't have much to offer on this piece. I thought it was a strong, personal piece that gave insight into you and hope that your journey forward is amazing.

Any noticeable typos: "I used to, though" I don't think the comma before though is supposed to be there. It threw me off just a touch, not enough to break my focus, just a stumble.

My favorite line(s): "All I ask of you is that you listen to what I have to say now because yesterday doesn't matter and neither does tomorrow." I liked this, it just spoke to me.

In conclusion: This was a strong piece, great at getting your point across and like I said, very familiar feeling. Well done, and welcome to the WDC.


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Review of A Time For Sleep  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random reviews and thought this was an interesting read.

What I love about your work: I loved the description of the storm and her mounting fear. It tickled me. I also liked her various methods of trying to deal with the storm.

Why I could relate to your work: I absolutely adore storms. Coming from AZ, monsoon season is my most anticipated time of the year. However, not my father. When it thunders and lightnings, he comes running out to "comfort" us with wide eyes and nervous ticks. Fifty-two and I still get to tease him about it. Skyler made me think of him.

My suggestions: Welp, my first is that this doesn't feel like a finished chapter. It feels like this just kinda stops in the middle of the story beginning, and doesn't really set up a conflict needing a book with chapters to resolve. If there is more to come, it might be a good idea to put a little note at the bottom denoting that.

My second is that this needs to be edited. I know it's hard to get the creative side going when you're worried about the technical side, but the first paragraph is the most important part of grabbing your reader's attention. There are run-on sentences, and words that took my attention from the story in that first paragraph.

The description of the night does not take place before the storm moves in, so the first sentence shouldn't either. If you're really intent on that being your opening line, then perhaps show us Skyler operating in the comfort of her home before the storm disrupts her evening. Otherwise, the opening line states that it would soon turn to a very restless night for her, but the story starts after that restless night has already begun. Hope that makes sense.

Another thing to keep in mind is that when writing something like this, if the number is under a hundred, it's best to write it out instead of using numbers. Typing 28 versus twenty-eight is distracting.

When I write something I'm serious about versus my flash fiction, I use a site called autocrit.com. It will help catch redundancies, passive voice, and filler words, plus so much more. I would recommend checking it out, it's awesome and so helpful at catching what we, as writers, tend to miss.

Any noticeable typos: I did notice quite a few grammatical and punctuation errors. There were several places where at least a comma was needed to help break up the sentence for the reader.

My favorite line(s): "Not even the subtle soft flickering light coming from her warm vanilla scented candles would give her any comfort tonight." I thought this was funny and did a good job at using multiple senses to bring the reader closer to the story. My suggestion here (asides from commas) would be to pick either subtle or soft, but not both.

In conclusion: Given that your description says this is your first attempt at creative writing, I'm impressed. You've built up a believable character and situation to capture our attention. It needs a bit of polishing to really shine, but overall, it was a decent read. I liked Skyler's fear of the storm, even if I'll have to disagree with her on it, and I loved how you used the dog to introduce us to her divorce situation. It's an interesting read, and I hope to see it developed more. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review of Retribution  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, hello there: Found your story in the horror section, thought I'd give it a peek.

What I love about your work: I loved who the spirit was and how that all played out. Quite an interesting turn out for someone willing to butcher all for the name of his child.

Why I could relate to your work: As a mother, I don't know where I would draw the line in order to spare my kids. I would like to believe, if given the same situation, that I would choose a different path than the sorcerer, but admittedly, deep down, as a mother, I'm not sure I would. I found this to be an interesting read just because as a parent, it begs the question, what could you live with?

My suggestions: I would suggest more detail. When the descriptions came out, they felt vague and didn't connect the reader to the story. Obnoxious smell doesn't even begin to tip the iceberg of what death and decay would smell like. Make it more pungent, more cloying. Use imagery that makes the reader want to gag with the sorcerer, make them feel the fear. I would suggest simply more detail, it would really draw the reader into this dark tale.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that really pulled me from your story.

My favorite line(s): "His hands clutched the handle of an axe whose blade was embedded deep inside his own throat." I liked this cause it made one wonder, was there an actual spirit or was it the sorcerer's guilt manifesting itself? Hmmm. Curious and curiouser.

In conclusion: This was a fun tale that took the reader down a haunted path of punishment. Quite an interesting read. As they say, write on.


If you haven't had a chance, please sneak a peek at the Screams!!!

FORUM
SCREAMS!!!  (GC)
A Terrifying Contest Of Horror And Three Time Quill Award Winner!
#2020439 by Lilli 🧿 ☕


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Found you in the newsletter "Short Stories Newsletter (July 6, 2016)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: It is always satisfying to read about a bully getting turned on by their victim, especially one who so many sat by and watched as he threw his weight around rather than teaming up and taking him down.

Why I could relate to your work: This reminded me ever so slightly of The Christmas Story with the infamous bully scene. I almost got into multiple fights in high school due to standing up to bullies, but my friends and I would team up together and no one wanted to fight a group of outcasts. We were scary normally but piss us off and the demons came out :P.

My suggestions: To be honest, I would recommend reading this out loud. There were a few run-on sentences, and others that were awkwardly worded, pulling me out of the story. I would also suggest working on phasing out the passive voice from this story. If you can write without the passive voice, the story will pop so much more.

"face up to his one-time victim" This line bothered me because from the story about poor Paul, it wasn't a one-time attack. Rodney harassed him for a year so one-time didn't accurately describe the situation.

Any noticeable typos: "it belonged to a lean, " "it" should be capitalized.

My favorite line(s): I really enjoyed the part where Paul finally stood up to Rodney and took him out.

In conclusion: This was an interesting story that described a horrible situation that was finally resolved when a lone kid had enough. Nicely done, write on.


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Review of Wrong Delivery  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thought I'd give you a review as a congrats for earning yourself a spot on the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1635349 by Not Available.


What I love about your work: Oooh, a mysterious admirer, something that can be both romantic and creepy. Definitely left us wondering who was working Stacie.

Why I could relate to your work: I'm pretty sure most of us have daydreamed of having a secret admirer, or even gotten to experience it, so it is not difficult to empathize with any of the characters in this story.

My suggestions: I would recommend perhaps tweaking the dialogue a little. When she's speaking with Mark, it feels a little stiff and too formal. For instance: "This is somewhat annoying to me." followed by his "nose in on my girl" comment. Seems to me if he's concerned someone's making a move against Stacie, it might be a little less polite than "somewhat annoying". Not saying you've got to turn him into a raging meathead, but this feels like he should be sipping tea with his pinkie up while talking the races with his chums. Dialogue is tricky, but it is the best way to make people connect with the characters, but is also the easiest way to disconnect them as well. Just something to keep in mind.

Any noticeable typos: Asides from what I've already mentioned, I didn't see anything that stood out to me.

In conclusion: I like how she's ditching the flowers to Carole, just entertained me. Seems like a great way to make a point to an unwelcome suitor. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the descriptions of the characters. It cracked me up and added to the humorous drama of the piece. I also liked the questionable ending, like what else is lurking in that cabin? Is the old lady really a witch with her demon kitty?

Why I could relate to your work: I love reading stories that take an average situation and through amazing description make it into an adventure. Lots of fun.

My suggestions: "Alas, the whining of the motley" Alas felt wrong here given that it's usually a term associated with grief or sadness that something is or isn't going to happen. It seems as if for it to make sense here, it should read "crew probably wouldn't end" so the narrator is upset that they're probably going to keep up the whining. Or just change alas to something else.

That's honestly my biggest complaint. The way alas is written in there distracted me from the story, but otherwise, I enjoyed the flow, the characters and the story.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out.

My favorite line(s): I don't have a favorite line, but really enjoyed the descriptions of the characters. You did wonderful with using the descriptive language in this piece and it was a fascinating read.

In conclusion: This cracked me up and left me wondering what was next for this disastrous bird watching adventure. Well done, happy anniversary, and as they say, write on.



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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Found you in the newsletter "Fantasy Newsletter (July 6, 2016)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: This was oober cute, and the description at the end of your childhood just added to how adorable it was. I loved what the basic things became, growing into so much more just because some child's imagination said so. Too sweet.

Why I could relate to your work: I didn't have a girl friend in my neighborhood to engage in make believe, but I did have a boy friend. We would go play in the field behind my house, where soldiers hid in the nearby equipment and trees, waiting to shoot us, but we were quicker aim with our sticks. And the parking lot dividers became anti-plane missiles. (Games with boys tend to be, um, a bit different). Though I would occasionally con him into playing house or gatherers, where we had to supply up before the winter came and locked us in for the season. Anyway, your poem made me very nostalgic and miss more innocent days where the monsters of our make believe were the most frightening.

My suggestions: I don't have any. I thought this came together beautifully, and was a sweet tribute to your childhood fun. The note about you and Nikki at the end was the perfect conclusion.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that broke my attention.

My favorite line(s): Honestly, the end. The poem was well done and described the scene very well, but it was the image of all that suddenly dissolving as a little girl lost interest and raced over to turn off the tv that really did me in. However, without the poem to build up the scene, the note wouldn't be as interesting, and vice versa. So, smooth move weaving them together :P.

In conclusion: I loved this. It left me chuckling and smiling as I wrote the review. Well done. As they say, write on.


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Review of Weavers  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Found you in the newsletter "Fantasy Newsletter (July 6, 2016)"  and had to take a peek. That's right, you've been featured again :D.

What I love about your work: I loved the bar scene. It absolutely cracked me up. For all of his clumsiness, he seemed sincere and sweet, and had the eye of the princess. I particularly liked the way he accidentally offended her with his pronunciation of her name.

Why I could relate to your work: As an avid fantasy lover, this was quite enjoyable.

My suggestions: "she looked like a six-year-old child. Irresistible." This is more or less my only complaint about your story, and that's cause it gave me the heebies. Maybe it's cause I've read too many stories about real predators or am aware of the known predators in my neighborhood, but when a grown man is drooling over a woman and she does something that makes him think of a six-year-old, and it's irresistible? Just, um, an uncomfortable comparison given his very obvious infatuation. Maybe instead describe how innocent it made her look?

Otherwise, I enjoyed the details you wove into this, the dialogue felt real, and the characters were impossible not to fall in love with.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that stole my attention from your work.

My favorite line(s): I loved the name exchange, made me chuckle, and even when I went back to try to copy some as my favorite line, I was too entertained by the exchange to pick.

In conclusion: This was beautiful, and I did so enjoy the touch of the little painted house. I liked the magic and romance spinning together into a sweet tale of acceptance. It was cute, and glad I got a chance to read it. As they say, write on.


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