What a sad poem. This poem is about that period of adjustment between loss and living on. There is a point in time after we lose someone that we feel the separation to be so absolute that we cannot walk a step without the refrain, 'I Walk Alone' chanting away inside of our souls. This is a poem about that time.
The victory in life comes in moving past these stumbling blocks in our lives. Nietzche was right when he said, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." The problem is that many of us wish we were dead. Thanks for sharing.
My Favorite Part
It is good to bookmark that place, that moment in our lives when we feel we are totally alone.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's going to be fun! I finally got to make my debut in our campfire today. Talk about being late to class! This is going to be so much fun, since you have set a minimum of 500 characters per entry and everyone seems to be exercising their verbosity.
The basis for this seems to be fascinating and I just can't wait to see what happens next. No typos or grammatical errors, just a good beginning. I hope others feel free to join in.
My Favorite Part
Nothing will prepare you for the field trips!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks for running this costume. I enjoyed competing in July so much! Having all those judges come by was really awesome! I loved it! I'll definitely be thinking through who to plug this time!
A couple of snags: Anyone who donates 20K or more will recieve a merit badge for APPERCIATION. Invalid Merit Badge #116056 Winner of the JUDGING Merit Badge
My Favorite Part
It gives us a chance to strut our 'other' stuff!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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I love the way this poem rhymes and skips along through a ballad type of message. Perhaps it is a ballad, I am not well-versed on the types of poetry, but I know I like this!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Breaking this Blue Dragons Dragon's heart, There are a couple of these Dragon's that need their apostrophe. (unknown was to remain), I don't believe the parentheses work here.
My Favorite Part
I love the flow and beauty of this poem! I could see and feel the beauty and emotion of the girl and her dragon acquaintance!
Thanks for sharing! Write on!
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This is a well-done tiny story. I enjoy reading a variety of lengths of items in the ports I visit, so when I sailed in and all but this one were in the folder, guess where I stopped off first! Interesting technique. I think I'll use it.
Your writing is very expressive. I like the easy way you have with words.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
My only suggestion would be to read over the piece carefully, even aloud if you have to, and concentrate on what is on the page, especially if you think you know what is there. That is what I have to do to catch the little stuff and get the words to make sense.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
course;, it doesn’t matter. punctuation No-one can see my screen You don't need the dash in 'no one'. Only, only Maud. Perhaps 'Only — only Maud.' The first time I got one of the long dashes, it was gifted to me. Now I keep a small collection of them on my Note Pad, to use whenever I need them. So — here's a few to start your own collection! I turn and push myself towards over to bin
My Favorite Part
The interaction with the yellow tissue is awesome!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling! I appreciate this poem. Thanks for writing it for your friend. War is a terrible thing, as any soldier knows. The way we keep peace is to have a group of truly patriotic men and women who, without hesitation, will fight for our freedom.
A singular typo in the subtitle: Words inspired by a Navy Soldier who we kept in touch with in trough through e-mail.
My Favorite Part
I like all of it and I am happy to know that you took the time to write this as a tribute. Tell your friend thanks from me.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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I truly appreciate your writing this incredible piece. Thank you so much for sharing from your personal experience. I agree that introspection of this magnitude is a life-changing event. There is a time when, in order to live, we must face the shadowside of ourselves; we must face all of who we are, the good with the bad. We must decide what is of such importance to choose life.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
You'll want to read back through this after a few days and smooth it out. It is very powerful!
Eyes over 40 years of age are begging for more room between paragraphs. Indenting and leaving a space is even better.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
or chemotherapy. but I was left Comma instead of period.
However, and any cancer patient can tell you
My Favorite Part
In spite of all those experiences, I survived. During my last visit to my primary care doctor, he said that he expected me to live a normal lifespan because I simply refused to die.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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This is a really good idea! Now we just need to figure out how to get people to post here! You have done a good job of putting together both the campfire and this forum. Keep up the good work.
Maybe you should send a note out to the campfire members and let them know this exists.
My Favorite Part
And no--no one can come back to life! Thanks! Have fun!
This sentence about sums it up. Some of us have not had as much fun since the characters that sparked our imagination and even our love and caring are now dead in the series! Real life is that no one can come back to life. A lot of JKR fans wish they could!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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This is the most amazing story. I reviewed it a while back and gave it a high but not perfect rating. I am not sure what flaws I might have found, for none of them were important enough to keep this story from my heart. I think of it and you often, Holland. I hope things are well with you and I pray your life is filled with joy.
My Favorite Part
Loving children bring sadness, heart-rending emotion and unspeakable joy to us.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Oh, I like this! It is so peaceful and interesting. Your writing is very disciplined and straightforward.
In order to involve the reader quickly, put a little more into active exchange. You can put his thoughts into italics, for instance, and take off the shoes, observing the thoughts that made it lack spontaneity. The speaker told us the spontaneity wasn't there, but we didn't see it not be there. I hope this makes sense. Let me know when you have worked on it or are ready to and I'll be glad to work along with you.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I hate to say this, but in the second sentence, you are going to lose a lot of American readers. We need a little more description with the words Madhavi chichi. Perhaps add the rank with the individual. I suspect, with the setting of the table a little later, that Madhavi chichi is a servant. If I am wrong, giggle at me and fill me in. Also, a little more description of the mother when she enters the scene would help us link to her quickly.
Next Section (Same Chapter) Rather than writing anything, I usually just do 3 to 5 *s right at the margin to show there is a momentary break.
She couldn’t do it but she knew that it had been longer than usual. This is a bit awkward, try tightening it up. Perhaps 'Who knew?' or 'It had been too long, that she knew.'
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
(He still had to work out how Pizza fitted into this). This is a cute statement. Play with it. Perhaps no parentheses: 'He smiled to himself. He still did not know how pizza fitted into this theory.'
My Favorite Part
I love the way the mother is worrying about pleasing the son and the son is fascinated that she knows what he likes. This is so true to the way we really are.
I'm off to read more!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1111615 by Not Available.
My name is Denise and I am the Other judge— the one that doesn't sleep in a coffin. Oops. Gallows humor.
My Favorite Part
The phoenix hatching was so neat!
Cadence, description and imagery
This is a good story. The plot keeps the reader wondering what will happen next. It gets bogged down sometimes, but can be adjusted by carefully reviewing the whole story for places where improvement can occur. Reading over the descriptions and conversations can help make them more clear.
Grammatical and spelling challenges to be met:
There are lots of incomplete sentences, which should be corrected in order to allow information to flow easily to the reader.
As he was leading the laden donkey away, the harpy screeched through the open window.Note: I never really did understand what harpy we were talking about.
but the rain continued andsells sales were slow.
Hali never share shared a special bond with the child,
amber eyes that glinted withmishieve mischief.
effortlessly carrying Kalie as if she was no lighter than a feather.Perhaps 'as if she were as light as a feather.'
"This world is magically magical and wondrous, but you need open eyes to see everything."
The sorceress that had bought brought Kalie to Arie and Hali.
"I've bought brought the girl, Qui'ara"
Thus Kalie's existance existence continued in isolation
was truely truly happy.
a word he spoke, cause there was no relfection reflection of love
crown aloft, held his cold voice carried
*****
Between 500 and 5,000 words? Yes
Never won an award before - not yet.
Vampire present? Yes
Good luck in the contest!
You drew me in! This is an excellent poem. I think it would be really cool to put at least a reference to the poet, Dylan Thomas, who wrote the lines this one refers to so exquisitely. From the tiniest beast to the largest, there is something within that does not accept death, even though blinded by pain or sorrow. We struggle.
I like the way you wrote this, in a rhythm and flow that seemed unharnessed to me. I did not feel lost in this poem, I was with the speaker, yet separate from the threat of Death.
Well done and necessary for us to state when we are in the position of facing death, whether it is our own or of another.
My Favorite Part
With all my strength I still fight
Against the rapid falling night.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Partner (13+) A boy allows a dragon to be a tattoo on his back. #1094671 by Kotaro
Author : Kotaro
Reviewer : SilverValkyre loves YOU!
Short Story
Plot and Setting: Set in Japan, this is the story of a boy's inheritance from his ancestors.
This is really an interesting story. It feels very magical and very oriental. I really like the description of your dragon. You are very good at taking your reader effortlessly from one scene to the next!
Additional Comments: SUGGESTIONS, IDEAS...
I only feel the need to ask for more. I'll be getting deeper into your port really soon!
Spelling, punctuation and grammar challenges:No typos and nothing else of note!
NOTE: The typos I found, I replaced corrected in red text. The punctuation and grammar challenges I found, I replaced with green text. All other comments, questions, thoughts and/or plot challenges, I listed in blue.
It's all about feeling! This is really a fun poem, especially in the summertime. It's hard to remember the dance of the snowflakes in this heat, but the beauty of it is what you brought out. I like it!
Just one typo: And slowly disapears disappears,
My Favorite Part
Together with thousands, alone by itself,
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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You are really creative. This was written a couple of years ago. I bet you could add some things to it now. It's really pretty neat how things are much clearer when you write them and leave them for awhile.
There are a lot of things to like about this story. You have a good plot and a good idea of what your characters and setting are like, so now it's time to go for it and develop your skills further! If you'd like some help with sorting it out, let me know, I'd be happy to help you get to the next level with it. Sometimes it seems like such a big deal, but with someone helping, it works out just fine! I'd be glad to help you get your writing better, because you do have a good imagination!
My Favorite Part
My favorite part is all the hope in this girl! She decided what she could do and did it!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about touching heart to heart!
You are incredibly good at that! Thanks so much for the beautiful phrases and the words that awaken my muse. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
About the question of poetic prose, I think the only think that would make this more poetic is to put it in poetic format. It is already very much one heart reaching out to another and that is what poetry is all about to me.
My Favorite Part
To the flowers of your sons, add the giggles of your grandchildren.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1106012 by Not Available.
After the first chapter, I had to see what you did. This partial second chapter is cool, you are still rolling. Keep it up and let me know when you are ready for me to re.review it!
Your characters are realistic and enjoyable. Your style is rough, but you can develop those skills with the help of reviewing and taking advantage of some of the excellent resources of this site!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1106012 by Not Available.
Hey! I like the way you write. You sucked me right into the story, which is a very nice thing. Your characters are realistic and I can tell that you have 'lived there.' I'd like to know what the guys look like and what kind of car it was, but you'll get there.
Ideas and Challenges(take 'em or leave 'em )
I was confused on the timing. If Michael is old enough to drive and have a job, he's in high school and probably can't get to work before 4:30 or 5. If the lunch rush is 5 to 8 and then they clean up, that violin concert is really starting late! Think of some other reason for Conrad? Anyway, you understand what I mean. It threw me off, so I stopped to figure out what time he could be talking about.
The paragraph that starts with “Hey Conrad, right after that has two people's speeches in it. It is customary to separate them, even if they are only a line or two, so that the reader can separate the conversation easily while reading.
the nights events wore off. Possessive on nights; night's.
Thoughts are almost always designated with italics. This first chapter will pull together as you get farther into the story. You'll be able to come back and see the weak spots much more easily.
There are some technical difficulties, but the action and the plot are the first to get going. You are getting there. Please let me know when you want me to look in on it again.
What I like
I like the way you are familiar with the scene and the characters, even the fantasy ones. I'm off to read more.
If you come to swap reviews, I'd love it if you would start with "Invalid Item"
It's unfinished, but your characters remind me of that story in my port.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Hi!
Folders are the doorways from the Main Entrance to the Wings that hold the different categories of our stuff! Portfolio impact is greatly governed by getting the reader interested.
This folder has great information and is a wonderful way to explain what is going on here! Hee Hee! I usually think you need a picture and it is true I came in the back door and am leaving by the entrance, but I think this is a marvelous folder.
My Favorite Part
I love how you give enough info to advertise the book you are learning from and leave out enough to make it new to each of us when we end up going out and buying it! Hah! Write on!
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It's all about feeling! This poem is really well-done. It is interesting how the reader can be lead to visualize. The title and subtitle made me immediately envision a lone tree and lonely castle keeps standing on the high, sharp rocks.
I felt a lot from your choice of words. Very good!
It detracts from the poem a little to put the funny anecdote at the top. You might consider moving it to the bottom to show off the poem.
My Favorite Part
I really liked the way the house popped into my mind with the last two lines.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling! It's exciting to know the first book will be in print, all who have fallen in love with Walker will surely want to own a copy and give some to others! It's a great idea to pull ideas from others in the WDC community for your children.
About the autism, there are several moms on this site who have written excellent blog entries and articles about their children. You might want to look into that. I'll have to think about it. There are zillions of children personalities and quirks and I'm sure you will find a lot who will fit in just right!
My Favorite Part
That the first book is finished and the second is in motion already!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Hello, Maugh! Welcome to WritingDotCom or WDC, as we love to call it. I have been here 6 months this week, so I am barely out of the 'newbie' status. You will find wonderful, generous people to interact with. We have contests, games, puzzles and groups of writers who like the same genre or the same type of writing; in short, Everything.
I like your writing. There are some ragged spots and some spots where the meaning is unclear, but you have come to the right place to work on your skills. You have the natural ability and the will to communicate, so I'm certain you can hone your stories and books here!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
First, I would recommend you read this aloud to yourself to get the feeling of it. It seems to me that you have a common weakness with me. I go back and fix a sentence and the rest of the paragraph or even the phrases depending on it get shaky.
My Favorite Part
The story line is awesome and I like your main characters. Of course, with the Silver in my name, I was intrigued with your Silver character right away. I longed for more description that told me something about him and about Karen, the mage, as well.
I'm sure you'll be settling in at WDC over the next few days and learning how to italicize thoughts: {i} before the words and {/i} after them does the trick. You can cut and paste these examples and they will work for you, or just type them in. Insert b instead and you get bold, more about the Machine Language we use under the list to the left of this column—Site Tools/Writing ML Help (close to the bottom of the drop down menu).
So, again, welcome! I'm so glad you are here and hope you enjoy yourself! I'll be back to read more and I'll tell my fantasy-loving friends that another fantasy writer is in our midst! Also, if you'd like me to review this or anything else in the future, please let me know!
Write on!
Thanks for sharing!
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Hi!
Folders are the doorways from the Main Entrance to the Wings that hold the different categories of our stuff! Portfolio impact is greatly governed by getting the reader interested.
Come on, lady! We need a pic and some info about what is in this folder. Play like it's the front window or the display counter at your little retail establishment. You can show us a pic of the stuff within or anything else!
Lots of people couldn't even find New Zealand on the map, so put it on the map for us.
It's all about feeling!
What an awesome poem! What an awesome child you have described!
I had one idea while reading, it had to do with a 'great big' SWAK or something similar. The line begs for a little more emphasis with adjectives and perhaps the SWAK should be in red or italics or bold. I don't know how many non-English speakers will be trying to read this, but you might put a little star and a footnote, just to help them.
It's certainly worth it to get across the message of this sweet poem!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling! This kind of poem is a perfect reflection of your heart's song and that of all who knew and loved Spencer. The thing that is important in this type of memorial is your tribute standing firm and true, perfectly understood by others. In this time, in this place, with tears so close to the surface, we are all close in the family of living breathing believers. For we must believe these beautiful young souls go to a place of joy and rest. I appreciate your sacrifice at writing down the words and I feel your pain and joy.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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What a sad poem. 
Hi! 
Gallows humor. 
My Favorite Part
Hi! 