Yuck. This is well-written. It should probably be under satire instead of one of the others. I have found moving a file to different genres gets different types of reviews.
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Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
This is pure sattire about a man his most prized posseion. satire possession
I imagine I can actually hear it whinning, whining
begging for mercy when it was slid into the oven. Perhaps 'while I slid it into '
The vomitting alone would kill it. vomiting
would toss it's insides all over my lawn. its
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Okay, I'm moving in to this folder. Is there something I can drink or eat or a magic spell so that I can have a body like the girl's in the picture?
Haha!
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It's cool that you are in the One Ring to Rule Them All group. I think you could put a little more about the different stories, but then again, maybe not.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
I like it! It is a wonderful thing to remember the music that makes our lives fuller, more joyful, better defined.
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The only real suggestion I have is to leave a space between the paragraphs. A little room makes it so much easier to read the words on the screen (and to find them again when you turn to talk to someone in the family and have to come back!).
the volume of the melody gets to its loudest height. Perhaps 'the volume of the melody gets loudest.
sparkling tiaras on the tops of princesses and queens perhaps 'sparkling tiaras on the heads of princesses and queens.' only the soft touching of violin bow to strings maybe 'only the soft touch of violin bow to strings'
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Its silly tune dances around my uncle Peter Uncle Peter, I think, but I'm not sure... I do know that I like it capped, since it's almost sure to be the name you call him.
This is a cute idea. I see that you kept it up for a while and then quit. The thing about the ins and outs is that you have to remember to check back. If it leaves your mind, you're sunk!
The funny part is that it reminds me of the Weasley twins and somehow of Mouse talking to himself in LadyHawke!
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My sweet WDC buddy got promoted to Preferred Author and her note was from the Story Mistress, so of course I had to come and buy a special cnote for her.
These are so fine! I really like them! I really appreciate that they are bona fide WDC cnotes, too. Special occasions merit special treatment.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Not a thing wrong! Beautiful, easy to follow and fun.
I love fantasy and I love wizard and apprentice stories. You did a good job of creating our environment and giving attention to the furnishings.
You have a great imagination and were very creative with the characterizations. I like the man who came to save Alia. And thanks for having a name for the girl, even if it was Mouse.
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... I like to have names to tack onto my character files in my mind and the first name I am given is the wizard Ah'Fez, the ?third? character? The first with a name? She turned towards the door and was abruptly face to face with the wizard Ah’Fez. How can my mind deal with that? Girl, wizard apprenticing girl, Ah'Fez... Ah, now I get it, there are only two so far...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
BTW, I will try to catch the sentence from the edge, to make the line easier to find. I also try to keep them in order.
There are a number of awkward sentences and several misspelled words, I have highlighted several from the first half of the file below.
cleaning it, and would usually like today, receive 'would usually—like today' would be my favorite way of treating that transition.
she pulled a rag from her old thinning sweater need a comma: old, thinning sweater
Dust was heavy in the air, making it hard for her to breath. breathe
She pushed the one tiny window in the room open and decided to wait for the air to clear some. Awkward
You’ll get it down, don’t worry it just takes time. Perhaps: 'You'll get it down. Don't worry, it just takes time.'
Huge tears rolled down her cheeks that she quickly tried to wipe away. Awkward, it seems she is trying to wipe away her cheeks.
quickly tried to wipe away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” The woman replied softly,
perhaps she continued speaking, since the girl has not said anything in a while ...
“Ah,” the woman shifted her position, sitting down in a small chair that appeared out of These could easily be two sentences and probably should. "Ah." The woman shifted...
“Oh heavens no!” The woman replied, then seeing the puzzled look on the girls face added, girl's
There comes a time in a review where there are lots of things to drag down that I just want to read the story! I would advise going over the manuscript aloud. If you don't read aloud, then just read slowly and focus. I find it very difficult to review my own stuff unless I am reading it aloud to someone else. Let me know if I can reread it for you in the future, but I am now taking the plunge to read the story!
This is a lot of fun. I never heard of dust bunnies as a child... was I deprived, or what?
I like this little ditty, it's just a bit of simple happy talk in the middle of a day of big deals. This type of poetry is welcome in lots of places!
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I didn't find any typos. The only awkward spot is the last stanza: Life wasn't all worry
Our bunny had fun
Whatever the problem
He'd always outrun
The last line seems incomplete.
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Wow, any relative or friend would be happy to receive a letter from this speaker while on vacation. I like the way you have it organized. Very cool. It sounds like a pleasant trip.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Listening to the forecast of weather
We’re due for several days of sun, said her I know it rhymes kind of, but please swing it around and say listening to the weather forecast... perhaps you could stick in the time of day or something.
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This is cool. The similarities and the differences we see and feel at different ages. Your imagination gives us a good peek behind the eyes of all three of them.
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I would like to see you expand this to solidify portions into actual clear sentences that slow down the motion and the thought and then go back to the flow of all the stuff that runs together. Perhaps this could even be altered into lyrical poetry. The rhymes don't matter, if you establish the rhythm. There is a definite flow here.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
and young, all the world for me, shrinking focused into this singular moment. Awkward: shrinking focused
My newborn son’s pulse against my lips as I kiss their hair unmatched: son's their
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This is an interesting poem. I still like the incandescent yellow streak.
Since most people don't know that there is no 151st psalm in the Bible, it would probably be a good thing to use the second line (definitiong) to say "My song of love" or something to that effect.
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The imagery is unclear. I am sure you have a really creative meaning lurking here, but I can't seem to pull it out. It's dark, then the flash of dawn hits the building and there is a revelation. That's how far it takes me. Please keep working on it!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
An incandesscent yellow streak incandescent
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Good poem. It has some rough spots, but your language is nicely done. The "Love Come Back" phrase lends a certain rhythm and it is supported in the poem.
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And grant the salvation of morning light. I am not sure this says what you want it to. It seems to say the morning light is the salvation. Is it the morning light of salvation or salvation in the morning light, as after a long period of darkness? On the other hand, it is poetry, so you can leave it obscure, if you wish.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Love come back, guide us through my redemption,
Let us see through the eyes of perfection,
Let us hear the words my soul's been crying,
And lend the touch to know what is dying. The second stanza switches to 'us.' This makes it awkward for the reader.
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Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone! My punishment is due,
At the places that began and ended a lifetime.
This isn't clear. Could it be 'My punishment is due
At the places that begin and end a lifetime.' or perhaps 'My punishment is due,
At the places that began and ended a lifetime ago.'
A doctor to despise,
Because of cutting out hearts.
The comma is not needed.
Hey, this is a cool place to start the story. We find out what happened to the girl and a little about her world.
I really like the way this is moving and I'd like to see more!
I'd like to see you lighten up on your writing style. Tell us things through events and memories and sensory stuff, rather than long sentences. The longer sentences sometimes slow the reader. You don't want to draw attention to your writing, you want to have us dying to know what is on the next line!
Keep going. By the way, I reviewed very carefully to give you some ideas for a while, but I wanted to read the story, so I stopped commenting, except for typos. You know how to write, I'm sure you'll keep batting it around until it is awesome!
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Two more people exited, bumping into her. This is confusing, if people are going out the door behind the clerk, then the clerk would have to be watching that door as well ...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone! Without papers she had no way to get anything except the most mudane, abysmal paying, slag jobs available. mundane This sentence is awkward. Perhaps fiddle with it: Without papers, she could get only mundane slag jobs that paid little.
Hard hand-labor or degrading jobs that citizens of the different nations wanted nothing to do with. This is next and it needs to become a sentence.
belayed belied
id and ids ID would probably work better, since id is a word from Freudian theory that means the part of the mind that is totally unconscious.
Hey, I like it! It is a good start. Your imagination with the subject matter can really hook the reader. Work on making it a bit more barbed, this proverbial hook.
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A new hallway opened 5th Perhaps a different word than new ...
“Time is not something we have on our hands.” I believe this sentence is more forceful as "Time is not something we have." or "Time is of the essence."
The last two paragraphs are awkward. A bit of rephrasing and thought will make them more clear.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
and raised a grey toned grey-toned 3rd
most died in adolescence, the remainder in puberty adolescence is defined as the period of physical and psychological development from the onset of puberty to maturity. Perhaps you could use early childhood and adolescence.
researcher rung his hands. wrung
Their goals had been the finding of new species and the spread of their vast knowledge of science and technology. Their goals: to find new species and to spread their vast knowledge of science and technology. ... A better word than spread might be disseminate, which means to scatter widely or spread abroad.
The very thought of something being connected to Drex was as lowly as the thought of something being human. the somethings don't match
After gaining access to the facility, he walled walked
Well, it's a folder. It's definitely not a book jacket. I want more! I want color and something to intrigue me. You know, maybe that's what our folders should be: book jackets to hook the visitor, induce them to read the contents, colorful doorways to our imagination. (Note to self: work on folders)
Yep! Here I am to raid your port! You seem to have a formidable protector, a genie of some sort standing at the door. I gave her a warm cookie and a glass of milk and she let me in. Whew!
I really appreciate it when a writer takes the time to decorate the doors to the different areas in their ports. This one makes me feel good, even though it has a dark image of womping from a lady with magic oozing out of her.
Also, the titles make me anxious to get started. All in all a nice folder with no typos, no grammatical corrections, nothing but info that applies!
Hello, Lady! I really love the fact that you know so much about the difference God and Jesus can make in the lives of those that find and rely on him.
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I'd like to make a suggestion that would change the focus and the reception of this peace. Write it with I and we all the way through, including yourself in the ones who are seeking and finding. You sounds preachy, but I don't think that's what you meant at all.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Hi! This is an interesting little ditty (which really is a dictionary word for a simple song). It reminds me of hours spent in the classroom in the late spring in central Texas. Sometimes a fly or other bug is so much fun to watch. We are all children inside and delight in things that can walk on the ceiling and walls with grace and ease!
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I really like punctuation in poetry and spaces between stanzas to make it easier for the reader, especially on the computer screen. The use of none at all here could be a technique to show the daydream state of the watcher ...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
This poem is exquisite. It's not any fancier than its subject matter, but it is beautiful. As I read it, I began to picture a sweet choir of children singing the donkey's song at Christmas.
This is a great poem. It's all in the perspective, isn't it? You've gone down the list and named all the ways we change as our children grown. But wait, there's more! When they get to be around 25 or 30, you are suddenly smart and knowledgeable again. I hope it helps to know that.
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No ideas on improvement, this is a good poem.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
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I know it rhymes kind of, but please swing it around and say listening to the weather forecast... perhaps you could stick in the time of day or something.
Perhaps a different word than new ...
