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Hi Jimbo ! This is the fifth of five reviews you earned from "Flavor of the Day~Prizes & Scores "  and Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This chapter also moves the plot along. Put a few more of Frog's thoughts in there and it will also do a nice job to build characters. The ending was a good way to end a chapter.

Suggestions:
The wind was blowing so hard that it made Frog’s shirt flap.
This sentence is passive as written. The word "was" is a good indication of this. Perhaps, "The blowing wind made Frog's shirt flap."

He could see the sun turning orange as it started to dive into the blue horizon.
There's nothing wrong with this per say, but if you just say "The sun turned orange as it started to dive into the blue horizon" it would tighten up the prose a bit.

Frog just sat there thinking of his daddy and how strange it would be away from the plantation. Frog never thought such a thing would be possible but he never imagined life with out his daddy either. He didn’t know what was going to happen but he trusted Moses and would do anything he told him to do. He felt even closer to JoJo, now that he understood what it was like not to have any parents. He decided that JoJo would be his brother. His daddy would like that.
Show these thoughts.

Spelling/Grammar:
Shhh, it’s alright son.
Shhh, it's all right, son

So it has been every night
"has" should be "had"

any better.” Mumbled Frog
any better," mumbled Frog

That’s a fathers right
father's

want you too live
"too" should be "to"

mean? Said Frog
mean? asked Frog

didn’t spend it thinking of his daddy
If you changed this to "didn't think of his daddy", it would tighten up the prose some.

bears and whatnot,”
The comma should be a period.

out some clothes; girl’s clothes
The semi-colon should be a comma. To use a semi-colon, both clauses need to be a complete sentence.

I’m going to miss you Sophia
There should be a comma before Sophia

Alright, get your sticks
All right
I've enjoyed reading and reviewing your work, especially this novel. Good luck with it!

Ashley

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Hi Jimbo ! This is the fourth of five reviews you earned from "Flavor of the Day~Prizes & Scores "  and Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This chapter moves the plot along well and really raises the tension.

Suggestions:
Frog never saw his daddy look worried before. His daddy was always calm and knew what to do. It hurt Frog to see his daddy look like this. His daddy wouldn’t hurt a fly and now he’s killed a man, and it was all Frog’s fault. As much as he tried he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing again.
Again, this would be a good place to show Frog's thoughts. That would help build his character, as well as draw in the reader.

Frog would have screamed except he was frozen at the sight.
Showing a bit more of Frog's reaction would help build tension. Did the bile rise in his throat? Did he see stars?

Again, it would help the story flow better to use Ira's name occasionally instead of "Frog's daddy".

Frog's name is used quite a bit in the last paragraph. Perhaps combine some of the sentences to cut the use of the word a few times.

Spelling/Grammar:
The walked together
They

he asked glancing around.
There should be a comma after "asked"

he’ll be found soon enough.
The end of quote mark is missing.

Oh lord help us!
Oh, Lord, help us!

sorry, daddy.” He cried
sorry, Daddy," he cried.

So stop that crying and eat.
The end of quotation mark is missing.

One of the horses didn’t have a rider but it was easily noticed that a body was draped across the saddle.
This is a bit awkward. Perhaps, something like "One of the horses didn't have a rider, but carried a body draped across the saddle."

Yes daddy
Yes, Daddy

frightened him terrible
terribly

make shift
make-shift

August Anderson was sitting on his mount
sat

As he was coming close to them
came

jaunted up through the horses, just behind the master’s horse.
This is a bit repetitive. The word "horse" appears twice.

twenty one
twenty-one

Lucas Anderson jumped his horse forward
Perhaps, "spurred" instead of jumped?

from going taught
taunt

everywhere the slaves worked
Perhaps "they" instead of "the slaves"

avoid eye contact with him, Even Gully, who
The first comma should be a period.

He stared into his fathers eyes
The eyes belong to the father, so father's eyes

Then frog was pulled back
Frog

Nice cliff hanger at the end.

Ashley

Hi Sarita ! This is a review from "Invalid Item" . Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This story has a mystical air to it.

Suggestions:
I frowned at the landscape.
This sentence should be part of the next paragraph. Otherwise, it seems as if the landscape is Gran.

I looked at Gran as she leaned on a walking stick as gnarled and twisted as she was.
Nice detail!

The word "winter" is used quite a bit in the first half. Do a brief reread to see if there are ways to reword some of the sentences to cut the word's use a bit.

During summer and autumn, the roads would be full of merchants from every land. We would trade for silks and sweetwine.
This was a bit confusing. Does their village have the silk and sweetwine or do they trade for those items?

been looked on with disgust and fear
Perhaps, "regarded" instead of "looked on"

birdwatching robes
A little more detail here would help build suspense.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

The kind of horror I like best: creepy without being gory.

Ashley

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Hi Jimbo ! This is the third of five reviews you earned from "Flavor of the Day~Prizes & Scores "  and Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The action picked up! This chapter kept me interested from start to finish. I can't read to read Chapter 3.

Suggestions:
he knew that it was time to eat
To make the narrative flow better, cut the word "that"

as he handed them the beans and bread
This is repetitive. You said in the sentence above that they had beans and bread. You could change it to "breakfast", but I would suggest just cutting this part.

In paragraph three, the word "bucket" is used three times. Try to reword a couple of the sentences to cut the repetitiveness.

Frog looked down, averting his eyes from his daddy’s gaze.
In this paragraph, "his daddy" is used four times. Try to reword it a bit.

The days were long and boiling.
There should be a space between this paragraph and the one above it.

Gully would make a salve out of lard, turpentine and poke root for them to rub on their hands
Great detail!

he would whip that sand colored skin right off him
Great detail!

Usually thoughts are in italics. You may want to do a quick read through to double-check that.

Frog instantly winced
I don't think "winced" is the right word. You wince when you stub your toe. Flinched, maybe or shuddered.

Frog’s daddy let go of the overseer and he dropped to the ground in a lump. Frog’s daddy rushed over to Frog
Give Frog's dad a name. Using his name would be less awkward than saying "Frog's daddy" all the time.

Spelling/Grammar:
hut and was each
"was" should be "were"

to issue it's daily beating upon them
"it's" should be "its". "It's" is the contraction of "it is". "Its" is possessive.

about 3 more weeks
Write out words less than 100.

Overseers are ill tempered enough
ill-tempered

“Yes daddy,”
"Yes, Daddy,"

end of the days work
The work belongs to the day, so day's work

They would then wrap them in a rag as they slept.
Them being their hands? This is a bit unclear.

One morning Frogs daddy
Two little things here. There should be a comma after "morning". The other fix is that daddy belongs to Frog, so "Frog's daddy".

I don’t n-n-know frog.
There should be a comma before "Frog". Also, somehow, his name didn't get capitalized here.

“I’m goin; to g-get you for that
There's a semi-colon after "goin'" instead of an apostrophe.

20 yards from where they laid
twenty

here all day? asked the overseer
The end of quotation mark is missing.

What you doing over here boy
There should be a comma before "boy"

about 5 feet in length
five

You okay Frog
There should be a comma before "Frog"

I’m okay daddy
There should be a comma before "daddy". Also, since it's being used as a name, "Daddy" should be capitalized.

just witnessed; a negro killing a white master
Since both clauses of this sentence are not complete sentences, this should be a comma, not a semi-colon.

There are some great descriptions woven in the narrative.

Ashley

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Hi Jimbo ! This is the second of five reviews you earned from "Flavor of the Day~Prizes & Scores "  and Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The first thing I thought when I saw this was why in the world is this person's name "Frog"? I thought I was reading some kind of fantasy like Wind in the Willows. I had to read more to find out. Great way to draw the reader in!

Suggestions:
In the short description above, it should read "A slave's story".

It was easy to sneak off
"It was" is a weak way to start a sentence. Perhaps, reverse the sentence: "The cotton was high, so sneaking off was easy."

little that he could sneak through the rows like a snake
Great detail!

Double check the first word of each sentence. Try to vary them some. For example, in the first paragraph, four sentences in a row begin with "He".

The last time the overseers caught him, his daddy begged them to let him provide the whipping instead and they agreed but warned him that next time they would whip them both.
This sentence is a bit clunky. Perhaps break it up a bit: "The last time the overseers caught him, his daddy begged them to let him provide the whipping instead. They agreed but warned him that next time they would whip them both.

his daddy said harshly, I warned you about running off."
A couple of little things about this. First of all, the quotation mark before "I" is missing. Second, because "Where'd you run off to, boy?" is a complete sentence, the comma after "harshly" should be a period. A comma is used if the dialogue tag interrupts a sentence (like "Frog," his dad snapped, "where did you go?"). Last, using "said harshly" is not the tightest way to word this. Perhaps, snapped?


Frog loved his daddy's hoecakes
Use dialogue or thoughts to show this.

He promised him he wouldn't run off anymore,
Showing this exchange would be a great way to develop the relationship between Frog and his dad.

There were other kids too but most were either much older than him or much younger and the ones his age picked on him because he was small for his age.
This is an awkward sentence as written. Perhaps: "There were other kids too. Most were either much older than him or much younger. The ones his age picked on him because he was smaller than them."

There's a lot of background info here. Perhaps spend some time developing the scenes and put this info in a little at a time as you do that. For example, "Frog did too but when he turned ten his daddy asked if he could join him in the fields." could be brought up in the exchange mentioned above about not running off.

He said that his mother was dark skinned and when she died the other slaves didn’t want him around and was always picking at him and spitting on him and such. The other master had gotten tired of the fighting and thought him too much trouble to have around so he traded him to Frog’s master for a hunting dog.
These sentences are a bit awkward. Try something like:

He said that his mother was dark skinned and when she died the other slaves didn’t want him around. They were always picking at him and spitting on him and such. The other master had gotten tired of the fighting and thought him too much trouble to have around. He traded the boy to Frog’s master for a hunting dog.

The next day Frog’s Daddy told him to tell the boy to come eat hoecakes with them at the midday meal.
This whole paragraph is another great place to show. Show Frog's daddy telling him to get the other boy. Show Frog talking to him and Frog's thoughts about the boy.

The exchange between Frog's dad and JoJo is done very well.

Spelling/Grammar:
then a ships steward before the captain sold him
The steward belongs to the ship, so ship's steward.

Frog remained silent with a sad look on his face. His daddy knew what he had been doing and Frog knew that he did.
These sentences both should be the start of a new paragraph. Also, if you used Frog's thoughts to show he knows that his dad knows what he is doing, it would help you fill out his character a bit.

He uh big’um. Might be he slep a sett’n’. Show hope he not snow’re
Nice job keeping the character's speech consistent.

Ashley

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Hi warriormom! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

I saw that you had a new story you wanted reviewed, so I thought I'd take a minute and take a look

First Impressions:
Details were good. There was enough to see everything clearly without disrupting the narrative. Pace and flow were good.

Suggestions:
The first two sentences begin with "It was". There are two problems with that. First, it's repetitive. Second, "it was" is a pretty weak way to begin a sentence. What was? Is there a better verb to use than "was"? For example, this sentence:

It was a blustery evening, and Megan shivered as she locked the door of the small book store, then shook it to make sure it was securely locked.

Could be rewritten as The wind whipped Megan's hair away from her face as she locked the door of the small book store, then shook it to make sure it was securely locked.

There are several other places where sentences begin "it was".

most of which
Are you referring to the sections here? This is a bit unclear.

She never removed her brown wool coat and avoided all eye contact with Megan.
Great detail!

Watch the use of -ly words. Usually, when an -ly word is used, you can replace both that word and the verb with a stronger verb. For example, in the sentence above "securely locked" could just be "secure".

The word "as" appears a lot. In most places, it can be cut. For example:

As she sipped on her coffee she couldn’t get the image of that lady out of her

could be:

She sipped on her coffee and couldn't get the image of that lady out of her

never found the courage to initiate a conversation with a complete strange
Show this battle in Megan's head. What was she thinking?

hurriedly opened it up
Consider cutting the word "up"

The lady was the woman who had been following her, only this photo was taken at least 20 years ago.
Since this is the climax, you may want to slow the pacing down. Consider making this two sentences.

Spelling/Grammar:
seemed spooky to not see her.
This is a split infinitive. An infinitive is "to" followed by a verb. They shouldn't be split. So this should read seemed spooky not to see her.

"Happy Birthday my sweet child." 555-210-7849. Call me if you want to.”
There's an extra quotation mark here.

This mystery was a bit spooky and nicely done!

Ashley

Hi Jeff ! This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" . Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
A very creepy tale. The flow and pace are good.

Suggestions:
None, other than to fix the typo below. Nicely written as-is!

Spelling/Grammar:
silly?” She asked
The "s" in "she" should be lowercase.

There is just enough detail to add to the suspense without getting lost in the detail.

Ashley

Hi Bikerider ! I am the judge for the Paper Doll Gang Campfire Challenge. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This was the only campfire that was actually finished. That was great because I got to see the whole story.

Suggestions:
There were a few parts that the wording was a bit repetitive (the third paragraph of Julia's first letter) for one).

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes! Nice job!

Nice descriptions throughout!

Ashley

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Hi Butch50 ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Nice information about coyotes. It's woven into the narrative well enough that it is interesting and doesn't disrupt the narrative.

Suggestions:
As most of your readers will be online, consider cutting the length of some of your paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.

pack had forcefully shunned
Watch the use of -ly words. Using a stronger verb is a better way to describe what happened. In this case, "shunned" is a good one, plus the next sentence describes exactly what happened, so just cut the "forcefully".

that caused this worse than death fate
that caused this fate worse than death

Nice job using a variety of words to describe the coyote in the first paragraph.

There are creeks, a few with water year round, but most are dry most of the time. There are oak and live oak trees.
This is a bit dull as written. Try something like "A few creeks snake around the property with water year-round, but most are dry except in the rainy season. Towering oaks provide shade."

The night vision goggles made traveling at night easy; even with cloud cover they would pick up and magnify enough light to see quite well, and on a night
Try using some different words for "night"

downright bright. It was bright
and "bright"

an unmistakably unmarked
This is repetitive as well.

“Coffee sounds good, you still make it strong?” he asked.
Cut the dialogue tag. The reader can figure out who is speaking.

“It’s my only true vice and I intend to wallow in it, so yes, it is strong. “Did you miss my company, or did you get lost in downtown Dallas and end up here by accident?” I asked with sarcasm.
Here too. Plus, there is an extra set of quotation marks here.

other until it’s done?” he asked.
Come on in and sit.” I replied.
These dialogue tags can be cut.

Spelling/Grammar:
brutal full out attack
full-out

Sol was doing OK so far
okay

comforted by the company. Or maybe I was projecting.
Consider combining these sentences to smooth the narrative.

“Hello Rankin”, he
Two things here. First, there should be a comma before a person's name. Second, the comma goes inside the quotation marks. So "Hello, Rankin," he

You left this in a good place. The reader wants to keep reading to know what happens next. Nice job!

Ashley

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Hi Sum1 ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Great title and short description. They really drew the reader in.

Suggestions:
Consider changing the genre to something other than "other" to draw in readers. Very few people search in the "other" category for something to read. SciFi and Dark both fit this.

He appeared calm, completely calm, as if he had no care in the world; that there was nothing that could go on that would bother him much.
This is repetitive as written. Perhaps He appeared as if he had no care in the world. What does that look like?

This time Osborn interrupted Kevin as he spoke.
This does not seem realistic. The police officer would want to remain professional, so he would insist that Kevin used his proper title.

Detective Osborn could see the emotions on Kevin’s face as he struggled with his feelings. He looked like a man torn between two feelings. Dave had a gut feeling that Kevin needed to talk, as if he had to get something off his chest; and decided to go with this gut feeling.
This is repetitive as written. Perhaps something like Detective Osborn could see the emotions on Kevin's face as he was torn between two emotions. Dave decided to go with his gut feeling: that Kevin had to get something off his chest.

Spelling/Grammar:
The comma in the short description is not needed.

He looked the part too; neatly dressed, fingernails recently manicured, hair obviously well cared for.
This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. To use a semi-colon, both clauses need to be complete sentences.

“Professor,” Again
"Again" should begin with a lowercase "a".

will-power
No hyphen needed

The expressions on the characters' faces are described well. The reader can clearly see what they are doing while they are talking.

Ashley

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Hi Sum1 ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The title and short description did a great job drawing the reader in. Nice job!

Suggestions:
In your short description:
involving a young woman, and a tree
There doesn't need to be a comma after "woman"

Since most of your readers are online, consider splitting some of your paragraphs to make them easier on the eyes.

Brian and George were goofing off
Who are Brian and George?

There's a lot of telling in the first paragraph. Some is okay, but it would be great to really get inside Karen's head. This is especially important in the first paragraph because you want to keep your reader's attention. For example, show her in the shower, humming that tune (what was it?). Show her catching her pants and how she feels about it.

“Karen, are you alright?” “Karen, wake up!” “Karen, Karen, Karen?”
Two things here. First, "alright" should be "all right". Second, this should be three different paragraphs since there are three different speakers. Do a quick scan for this. Every time someone new speaks, there should be a new paragraph.

Watch the use of -ly words. One or two is okay, but there were quite a few here. Instead of using a verb and an adverb, try using a strong verb. For example, instead of "walked softly", you could say "tiptoed".

a sky filled with threatening grey clouds overhead
Good description!

feeling that rain
Who is feeling?

Karen still wasn’t completely convinced the tree was talking to her, but decided she would sit and talk to it. She thought it would be better than talking to herself, since she’d seen no one else since awakening.
Show this. Show Karen's thoughts and her making that decision.

Spelling/Grammar:
Hurry!!!
You only need to use one exclamation point.

She was not concerned, she knew that she was where she belonged, she felt totally at peace.
These are three different sentences. There should be a period where each comma is at or you could combine it into one sentence. For example: She was not concerned because she knew that she was where she belonged and she felt totally at peace.

It’s okay my child, do not fear, it was I who spoke to you.
It’s okay my child. Do not fear. I{c}t was I who spoke to you.

Wait, how could that be, there wasn’t any wind at the moment!!
Thoughts are usually italicized. Also, exclamation points shouldn't be used in narrative. They can be used in dialogue, but only one at a time and sparingly.

but when she did, she finally asked; no she finally blurted out,
but when she did, she finally asked; no she finally blurted out,
This is repetitive as written.

The trees arms moved slowly
The arms belong to the trees, so "tree's"

You have a lot to learn young lady
There should be a comma before "young lady"

You can call me Mr. Penn my dear
There should be a comma before "my dear"

“Wait a minute,” said Karen, “You
Since this is all one sentence, the "y" in "you" should be lowercase

My fate is the Earths’ fate
There is only one Earth, so "Earth's"

This teaches a great lesson about the importance of the trees.

Ashley

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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
There is a lot of great detail in this. The reader can see everything clearly in her mind's eye.

Suggestions:
This is a bit nit-picky, but when I saw "Betty Jean" my mind immediately leaped to "Billie Jean". Then when the boyfriend's name was Billy, it made my head spin.

"Be careful," her mother warned.
This dialogue tag isn't needed. The reader already knows who's speaking and "Be careful" is obviously a warning.

Betty Jean intoned in an exasperated voice.
This one either. Again, it is clear who is speaking and the reader can tell by Betty's Jean's words that she's exasperated.

gentleman today," she teased.
Another extra dialogue tag. Since only Betty Jean and Billie are in the scene, and Billy speaks first, the reader knows it's Betty Jean who answers him.

"There's Ted," he spoke with a tenseness in his voice. "I hear he's been working on that clunker trying to soup it up," he laughed, "ever since I whupped his ass in a race last month."
You could cut the dialogue tags here as well. Since the action in the beginning of the paragraph was done by Billy, the reader knows he's the one speaking. Let the words show the tone instead of telling the reader what it is.

"Forget about him," she said. "Today's about having fun – together," she added for emphasis.
Same thing here.

"Billy!" she yelled.

She called his name but she heard no sounds.
Show the reader Betty Jean calling Billy's name and the silence that followed.

Spelling/Grammar:
smells of lilacs...
The ellipses should be just a period.

Day's like this should
"Day's" should just be "Days". It's just being made plural, not possessive.

The final paragraph does a nice job tying everything together.

Ashley

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Hi CeruleanSon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The opening paragraph does a great job getting the reader's attention and keeping it. The colorful descriptions of the relatives (Cousin Clarence the nose-picker, big, fat Uncle Frank and Aunt Thelma) are really good too. Well done!

Suggestions:
All our weird relatives come over and eat. A lot. Then the guys loosen their belts a notch or two and watch football on TV, and the girls totally get to clean up the mess. Is that fair?
This is a good example of letting the narrator be her own person and letting the reader get to know her.

creep them out. But, they’re family
Consider combining these sentences to make the narrative flow a bit smoother.

Oops. Sorry about yelling. I didn’t mean to startle you
Usually when a story addresses the reader directly, its jarring. Throughout the story, the reader is addressed, but in this case, it works. The reader feels as if she is there talking to Misha. It also really gives the reader a chance to get into Misha's head and get to know her.

Spelling/Grammar:
test, or a group project or something, on
The commas here make the reader pause unnecessarily. Consider cutting them.

remember how to be cool!
This should be a period, not an exclamation point. Usually, exclamation points shouldn't be used in narrative.

Whew! See? What did I tell you? Scary clown, right?
This is a great line!

Ashley

Hi Pepper ! I am one of the judges from the PDG Alumni Challenge Forum. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

This was not an easy challenge and all of the entries were excellent. This was a great task to get to know everyone a little bit better.

First Impressions:
The into, especially the way that the narrator reacts to the diagnosis, is done very well.

Suggestions:
Very nicely done!

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes! Nice job!

You did a nice job capturing the emotion of someone with only a few weeks left. The part about your final request being that no one looked in your closets made me laugh.

Ashley

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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The descriptions of Egypt make me feel as if I'm standing there staring at the dunes with Albert and Maude.

Suggestions:
In places, this seems a bit repetitive. For example, in one place three paragraphs in a row begin with the word "Albert".

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

A wind crested one of the dunes, making the sand ripple.
Great detail!

Ashley

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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This is not what I was expecting at all. I was expecting a sweet story about how much Bertie missed her husband and son, not this creepy tale. Nicely done!

Suggestions:
The description in the first paragraph is wonderful. I can see it clearly in my mind's eye

"Jessie?"
I don't usually say anything about the way people choose to spell names. God knows there are plenty of ways to write the same name. However, when I see "Jessie", I think girl. Usually boys spell their names "Jesse".

Bertie found that she was running across the yard toward where she had seen the figure.
Something about "Bertie found" doesn't sound right. I understand you're trying to say she didn't realize what she was doing, but "found" just doesn't flow correctly with the rest of the story.

Spelling/Grammar:
has much tolerance for other,s mistakes.
other's


As though that single word contained some ancient power, the water came alive and Bertie felt a thousand filaments of white heat pierce her.
Great detail!

Ashley

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Hi Happy Adore♥ ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Wow! This is very powerful and moving. Nice job!

Suggestions:
A couple of your paragraphs are missing spaces between them and a few have extra spaces. You may want to do a quick check for that.

In some places this does not sound like the words of a child. Some of the language (revolt, repercussions) sound more adult.

Since I knew no one in the workhouse save for my bedmate, Polly, I told her of my thoughts on leaving the Cortbald workhouse.
The word "workhouse" appears twice in this sentence making it a bit repetitive.

I'd like to see more of a physical description of Mr. Pithy. Does he tower over Bethany? Is he missing teeth?

Spelling/Grammar:
Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy and he is like the devil in human form.
This sentence sounds awkward as written. Perhaps, Our overseer, Thomas Pithy, is like the devil in human form.

high spirited ways
high-spirited

He came up from behind as I could not hear for the loud machine sounds.
This sounds a bit awkward as well. Perhaps He came from behind me since he knew I could not hear over the loud sounds of the machine.

This was engrained
ingrained

“Then, I will go", I said
The comma goes in the inside of the quotation marks. I noticed this a few times throughout the piece.

More work....stay productive…no speaking were the only ideals that Master of the workhouse believed.
Great detail to explain the girls' lives.

Ashley

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Hi breshke ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Very cute story about one thing that is an important part of Christmas.

Suggestions:
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon.
"It was" is not the most interesting way to start a story.

I looked up and smiled with excitement as we began exiting the highway, we were almost there!
Exclamation points should only be used in dialogue and, even then, only sparingly. I saw this throughout the story.

The phrase "I looked up" appears twice in the first paragraph and then again in the fifth paragraph. Try to find another way to say it.

Watch the use of -ly words. When they are overused, they tend to make it hard for a reader to get involved with the story because she is being held at arm's length. For example, instead of saying "Breathing in deeply," say something like "I took a break so deep I could feel it in my toes".

Spicy but fresh, like I was standing in a forest.
Nice way to describe the smell of the Christmas tree.

How old is the narrator? She sounds like a young child? I'd love more detail about her.

Spelling/Grammar:
they blurred into a hodge podge of
hodgepodge

Aren’t we there yet, daddy
Daddy

“Hmm?” She
When writing dialgoue, if the character's words end with a question mark, the speech tag is written with lowercase letters.

cold you had.” She told
cold you had,” she told

ocean?” He asked
he

When Christmas rolled around that year, I grinned, a conspirator’s grin, at our tree whenever I walked by it.
This is repetitive as written. Maybe When Christmas rolled around that year, I a conspirator's grin at our tree whenever I walked by it.

My mouth opened in shock. My nose was broken? Was that even possible?
Great lines!

Ashley

Hi billwilcox! This is a review from "The Dark Society" . Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The introduction really did a great job getting my attention. It was definitely not the stereotypical horror intro.

Suggestions:
cup of his hands and poured his face into it and sobbed
Great image!

Where do you think we’re going?
This sounds like something a parent would say to a child, not the other way around. Maybe Where are we going?

and then dropped the jeep into four-wheel drive and turned off the road.
The two times "and" was used was distracting.

Probably a small animal
When Jack suggests deer, it kind of threw me. I don't consider deer small animals.

An ironic laughed bubbled from Toby like gas from a swamp
Great description!

Well, looky here
Uh-oh. Cue the scary music

Spelling/Grammar:
“Because Charlie, that’s not the way God, planned it.”
The second comma is not needed.

“Might I suggest,” Grant said, “that
The "Grant said" isn't needed. The there's only two people speaking and you've already identified them.

fishing trip,” I said.
Here too.

you’re a real roll-model
role model

shadowed-figure
The hyphen is not needed.

“Well, well, well” said a graveled old voice
“Well, well, well,” said a graveled old voice

The lake was a deep, blue-green, so clear
The commas aren't needed

“Well, looky here. If’n it isn’t, young Charlie Sowel.”
Since you've changed the point of view from Jack to Charlie, there should be a page break.

I had just landed my first trout.
Same thing here. The point of view changed back to Jack.

“I screamed,
There's an extra quotation mark.

For gods-sake,
God's sake

For Christ sake
Christ's sake

It's bandit, Dad
Bandit

The dialogue is written well. It rings true for both characters. The physical descriptions of the characters, especially Tobias, were also excellent.

Ashley

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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Nice job with details. The monster in Chloe's closet is described especially well using several senses.

Suggestions:
It seemed to be skeletal in form with large webbed hands.
"It seemed to be" isn't very certain. Was it or wasn't it?

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

The atmosphere you've created here is creepy and makes chills run down the reader's spine.

Ashley

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Hi ~WhoMe???~ ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Lots of great descriptions and good word choice makes this a suspenseful thriller. Great job with that!

Suggestions:
It was pitch black
"It was" isn't the strongest way to start a story. Perhaps something like The night was so dark it felt like she was lost in a tunnel. Not the greatest example, but you get the idea

She felt that she wasn’t alone
For better flow, cut the word "that".

blanket of darkness
Great description!

Then she saw him out of the corner of her eye, a menacing shadow in the corner
This line really adds to the suspense.

Go back and check the first word of each paragraph. Paragraphs two through five start "She", "Then she", "She", "She". Later, there are another three paragraphs in a row that begin with "She". Try to reword those sentences some for variety.

run for it, for he
The use of "for" twice here is jarring and repetitive. Try rewording it some.

The terror had built to such a crescendo that she wanted to scream.
Another great line that adds to the suspense.

The tension in the room could snap a red oak as if it were a mere twig.
Amazing sentence to build suspense!

It was time
Try rewording this so it doesn't begin with "It was". Perhaps, "The time for make or break had arrived."

Starting in paragraph eight, you start to use adverbs (barely, silently, slowly, cautiously, etc). They aren't strong enough to add to the suspense. Rewording the sentences using stronger verbs would help.

She felt silly, silly and tired.
The repetition here is a bit jarring.

shutting as she herself shut the front door.
For the sake of flow, cut the word "herself".

washed down with a coke
"Coke" is a brand name, so it should be capitalized.

She had to quit reading horror stories. She needed another genre to start reading.
The repetition here is a bit jarring.

she began to enter the dungeon.
Great description!

Spelling/Grammar:
She was still certain, someone was
If this was being read aloud, you wouldn't pause here, so the comma isn't needed.

the back porch, she still hadn’t
Here either.

The deafening silence was so loud she could hear the train roaring as her heartbeat sped out of control.
Great description!

Ashley