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Review Requests: ON
1,076 Public Reviews Given
1,103 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Arachnid  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sumojo – Hi! I’m judging the horror writing contest for Jan/Feb.

1) The concept. Large spiders are the stuff of many an Australian legend – I collected a story from NSW about a huntsman about 2 feet across – so one in a rainforest makes sense. However, I did ask for creatures of Australian reality or legend and giant spiders are African. Still, being hunted by a giant spider is a great story concept.
2) The tone. There is a nice build up and then the tension of the rainforest is done well. Some things are a little rushed – Ben’s demise, for example – but it does have a sense of tension about it.
3) Technical aspects. Clean, but new sentences are on a new line in each paragraph, and this felt odd.
4) How well it tells a story. The story is well-done. Everything makes sense, from the reason for being there to the rainforest being vacant and the ending is well done.
5) Prompt integration. Like I said, I wanted something from reality or legend, and a giant spider is not an Australian myth. However, spiders are prevalent here and so it does make sense.
Overall. A good story. I will say that reading your entries over the past while, your horror writing is getting better all the time. I enjoy seeing this sort of improvement.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Angelica- Happy May 5th! – Hi! I’m judging the horror writing contest for Jan/Feb.

1) The concept. A Jarapiri warning about the Bunyip is an interesting one. But it is the beach setting. The Jarapiri is from the Alice springs region… in the very centre of Australia. Bunyips are found in eastern Australian beliefs. It’s a little thing, but it is relevant. Still, the Jarapiri was considered helpful at times, so that idea makes sense.
2) The tone. There was no real sense of horror. Robert catches sight of the Jarapiri and just accepts it. Where is the fear, the physical sensations, the mind whirling at seeing a creature of myth? And then the Bunyip just makes him run. What else is his body going through. You have plenty of words to play with; this could have been much more intense and tense.
3) Technical aspects.I could not see anything wrong in this regard. Very clean.
4) How well it tells a story. There was some confusion at the beginning as too what was going on – not sure what was meant by the indigenous people being able to be anywhere but Robert couldn’t find a place when he was only there for a month; backpacker hostels would have been ideal – but then one monster warning about another was fine.
5) Prompt integration. Apart from location, two distinctly Australian creatures, and one eats the main character. Not a problem.
Overall. I think there is a good basis here but it really could have gone completely full-on horror with more use of descriptions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review of Thylacine  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Beholden – Hi! I’m judging the horror writing contest for Jan/Feb.

1) The concept. The hunt for the thylacine in Western Tasmania (Tassie is the normal spelling, by the way) is one I have seen used in a story before. Finding one like this is a nice touch. However, the monster was not the creature, but a man with a gun, which would be almost impossible. While Australians requested guns be taken from them, and some Northern Territorians still rebel against this, considering it came about because of the Pt Arthur massacre in Tasmania means that state is very anti-gun. There is no way he could have got it across Bass Strait.
2) The tone. Started with a nice slow build-up, then the tension picked up well when the dogs started barking (they sound like a loud, deeper voiced Chihuahua; there’s a recording that plays at the Melbourne Natural History Museum), and then when Bruce realized the narrator had to go as well.
3) Technical aspects. Clean. With the exception of an “off” for “of”, not a thing wrong.
4) How well it tells a story. Again, nothing wrong. The story built well and was logical. If not for the use of a gun, there was little I could complain about.
5) Prompt integration. Like I said, the monster ended up being a human. While they are certainly the most dangerous creatures out there, the idea was for an Australian creature.
Overall. A strong story with just a few little things that didn’t work for me personally. However, as always, your writing is strong and the work is enjoyable.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
MD Maurice – Hi! I’m judging the horror writing contest for Jan/Feb.

1) The concept. A bunyip on KI is an interesting concept, that’s for sure! There is not a lot of natural water-sites there, though Murray Lagoon is probably the largest. Very swampy, and perfect Bunyip territory. Also, known for birds. So your concept was well done. Having said that, all research on KI is done through the University of Adelaide/CSIRO, so their representatives would be everywhere.
         Just to let you know, I have relatives on KI; a cousin is on the council. I know the place really well, as I go there a couple of times a year. And the brief trip across Backstairs Passage can be horrible. My ex-wife and son once spent an entire trip over throwing up.
2) The tone. The start was a little overdone. There was a lot of set-up before we saw the eyes which, while it could be helpful with the surprise, did not add a lot to the overall story. However, the ending, the chase, was well done with an increasing sense of desperation in the writing. I do think there would have been a stronger response at finding the dead camp-mates, however.
3) Technical aspects. Some minor punctuation things. Good use of the Indigenous name for the island. Also, the city is Adelaide, not Adeline. Also, some of the descriptions of people were unnecessary. They did not add to the story or the characters and were just a distraction.
4) How well it tells a story. Well done. Like I said, it did take some time to get going, but the story on the whole was well done. I always like it when the monster wins.
5) Prompt integration. Very good. The bunyip, while not a creature from this region of Australia, fits well, and the sense of isolation that exists in Australia – and especially KI (a place the size of Malta with less than 10,000 inhabitants) – was used well in the tale.
Overall. A good story once it got going. It could just do with a little bit of tightening, that’s all.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This story was a strong one about a man finally getting the end of life he desired. There was a touch of sadness about it even as there was a sense of final hope and joy.

The piece made sense from a story-telling point of view; his reticence to speak is understandable with what he is facing. You introduced information smoothly without info-dumping it. Even David seeking Henry out made perfect sense.

My only issue is that when Henry does speak, he does so effortlessly and in a long manner. Even if he had chosen not to talk, he had not spoken for quite a while and his vocal cords would probably not (especially considering his age) be capable of such. It felt too convenient. Rasping and struggling, but getting the words out, to me, would have felt more realistic.

And, like I said, that was my only issue. Technically great (though I do prefer visual section breaks) and a strong tale.

Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, it does look like an interesting and simple game for a couple of people to play.

Here's the instructions that confused me:

Gameplay:

4. If the played card is higher than either player's hand, they must discard lower value cards. Is this both players must discard lower value cards? I think it does, but I feel clarification would help.

6. The goal is to have the highest value card at the round's end with remaining cards. What if you don't have any remaining cards, but play your last card as the highest card? Do you still win the hand?

End of Round:

- Start a new round without shuffling, dealing 3 cards each. Is there a new dealer here? Or does the same person deal all the time?

Duplicate Face Values:

- If all three cards match, the player automatically loses the round. Except Aces. I would add that here to clarify the rule from the previous section.

Finally, is there an overall winner? Like, the person who wins the most hands over the course of one complete deal of the pack? Or does that not matter?

Now, I am the first to admit that a lot of this is nit-picking, but having spent too long arguing with pedantic friends over game rules, it just feels like it is better to be safe than sorry in this case. If this is a game you developed yourself - well done! You have covered all contingencies... as far as I can see.

So, the game looks like it could easily while away a few hours, and I can see it being a good drinking game, just that a few things I feel could be clarified a little.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting essay about consumption of news and bias therein.

As an essay form, it was well done, though the conclusion was rather brief. technically, I found no errors.

As for the information, I think there is only one point I would disagree on, but that is also my own bias. I studied journalism in the early 1990s, so I am way out of touch with what is what nowadays!

There is definitely something here that should be explored further by many people who, as you say, offer opinions without the full facts. This reads like a good jumping on point for someone who does want to get to the truth of any matter.

Nicely done and good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review of Go Free!  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting personal essay. I read it through, then again, and on the third read, I knew I had to review it.

I have to say right from the outset, I found this rather sad and not a little depressing. Joey might have decided that freedom would not have been good for him because of what life ended up giving him, but it really did feel that the way he was as a young man just died and fell away. I felt sorry for him leaving that behind, even if the life he had was ultimately satisfying.

As such, I am not really sure what the moral or message of this piece was. Give up on our dreams? Conform to the world? The opening paragraphs with their emphasis on not being a part of the corporate urbanised society felt so idealistic and real, the concert was an awakening with people of a like mindset... and yet the ending felt it was the very life he had wanted to reject.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it left me confused.

Technically, this was perfect; I could find no errors and, as a read, it was very easy to get into and understand. That is always a bonus and that was what kept making me go back to it.

I really enjoyed the opening. The descriptions were wonderful - though I wonder what was actually meant by "accessible" in this context - and I could understand exactly where he was coming from. One of the genres selected was "biographical", and I would never condemn someone who found their own peace and were happy with their ultimate choice. This is not me saying that the decisions made were not the right ones. It's just that the piece was leading somewhere and veered right off.

Thankyou for sharing this. I really enjoyed your writing and I am glad that the "Joey" in question is happy with his decisions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi.

This feels like an outline for a longer story. As such, I will treat it as an outline and not a completed story; if it is a full story, then it is missing much and has no ending.

So, from this:

Why should the commander have a troubled past? How does that affect the mission? Why, considering the vast numbers of pilots, would they even select one with a troubled past?

Proxima Centauri is a star, like our sun. You need to find a planet circling it in the Goldilocks zone.

Why would the plant-life be Earth-like, as you've hinted?

Alien artefacts just floating in space that they encounter? That is highly improbable.

And, finally, 2150 is not that far away.

These are the sorts of questions that can make a story feel more realistic to a reader.

I'd recommend reading something like The Songs of Distant Earth by Arthur C. Clarke, which has a similar plot, to see how other writers tackle it. That's just one I've read; I know there are many others as well.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Cat Politics  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I know this is labelled as a draft, and I am guessing it is the prelude to some larger tale, but I found myself enjoying this one. There is an element of mystery, we have a part of the narrator's life delivered in a natural manner, and then there is the cat statue that has taken such a liking to them.

As it is a draft, the following are things you might want to consider for further revisions.

You mentioned cinnamon sticks, and then forgot them.

There is very little of the emotion of the narrator; they feel like a very blank slate.

Added to that, there is only sight and touch as senses mentioned. What about odours, sounds, the taste of the air, things like that? Help us build a mental picture of your world with these little things added.

However, as a draft, it is a strong beginning, and technically very clean, and I can see it going somewhere special.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of Sky High  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
A happy little family story with a dark twist... and then a twist on the twist. I like that sort of story: not sure where it was going, then it went somewhere to the right, the veered left.

It was a little bit tell and not show, as the events were just detailed as they happened. I think some more of the narrator's emotions could have helped in this piece, especially at the end... which could have been really milked for emotion and extended in that direction. It just needed more personality.

However, I think the biggest thing is the punctuation. There are a lot of mistakes in this. This needs a good edit. I notice it was written in 2019, and I have to say, the pieces of yours I have seen recently are much cleaner than this. So a good edit should tidy everything up nicely.

Still, as for the story, it was a strong one, and could well be worked out into something even sell-able.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review of Nurse not there  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
An interesting little ghost story/weird event vignette. If it was true, as it says, then quite the eerie occurrence. As a story/anecdote, it was fine.

However, thus was rather difficult to read because it felt like half the punctuation had been inserted at random. Sorry if that seems harsh, but there were a lot of errors, especially for such a short piece. I recommend giving Strunk & White a good read. It's dry, but short.

Sorry.
63
63
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this by clicking on 'Read and review' and it intrigued me. This is a call to arms that does not involve violence or arms, or something that anyone can do. Not being from the USA, it intrigues me that this is sort of needed. I mean, H.Clinton got a higher percentage of votes than Trump in 2016, and less than 55% of people voted, so Trump won on the say of around a quarter of the population. While your "vote them out mantra" could work, your system may not allow for that. I am not sure.

But that is just me looking as an outsider, from a country where voting is compulsory.

This is technically really strong; good use of paragraphs, good spelling, punctuation, etc. You have your facts sorted and you have delivered it in what seems to be an orderly manner. It does not jump around. However, why would being independently wealthy mean they can stand more easily? You need to explain that, especially for someone not from your country.

From a visual perspective, I would suggest separating the paragraphs a little better, either with indents or an extra carriage return.

As a call to arms, it is persuasive. It would be interesting to see what you do with this next.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This is the sort of story I like - where the ending is not always definite and not everything is rosy. Some got the good, some the bad, dependent on their spin; nicely done and nicely shown in such a low word count.

I would liked to have known the contest prompt and word count to see how well you integrated it into the story, apart from the bolded phrase (which I guess you had to use).

Technically, it was good. Saw no mistakes.

As to the story, not knowing the limitations of word count, I felt that showing two good, one that could have been bad, one that was bad felt like going on a de-escalation. I think mixing up the outcomes would have made it feel more random; as it is, it does feel as though Walker is going to get the very worst of it all. I think this diminishes the element of mystery in the tale.

But that's my only nit-pick. Good story, strong denouement, and I hope you did well in the contest.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi! Looking through your port, this was the first thing, it was recent, so... happy anniversary review!

First, I know the hassles of dealing with a low word count making story-telling rushed, and so the tell not show aspect of the story is understandable. However, having said that, the ending still felt very abrupt. It was just there after quite an inventive set-up. We got a great sense of character in a few words - the greed of the handyman and the pretention of the lady. Your characters managed to live even in so few words.

I think, once the contest is over, just by adding maybe another hundred, two hundred words or so, this could be a great slice of life story with a moral about greed and all that.

I enjoyed this.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This was an intriguing story of a detective who, I think, was the one who "dunnit." The story was interesting, but there were inconsistencies. Why would he leave a hand-print? Why investigate alone when he knows what's going on? Why ask himself the questions? And other things as well.

This also needs a good edit; there are a lot of errors in punctuation that need work. And there is a lot of tell, not show, not letting the reader get into the story.

The story idea is a strong one and you have a good character in Baptist; I think it just needs some tightening up.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This is an intense little piece. The grief that one feels following the passing of a loved one can, indeed, feel physical.

I am not sure of the word count limit you had to play with for the contest, but it felt distant. You said there was an intense pain and you were paralyzed (note: watch your spelling here), but you told us. How was it painful? What was your body doing? how was it responding? Were there smells or tastes that came out of nowhere? What were your thoughts doing?

There was so much more you could have given us to drag the reader into your emotions; what we got was surface level. There is definitely emotion here, but it could have been so much deeper, I feel.

Technically, apart from the one spelling error, it was fine; no errors seen.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review of Yellow Stone  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I have never been to Yellowstone - I've never been to the USA! - and you paint a decent picture of the park and some of the attractions to be seen. It reads like a memoir or a recollection, and it is clear you have enthusiasm for the place through the words you use. There is an excitement about the way you write about the place.

A couple of things, and these are more technical than anything:

First, I know I'm not there, but I am pretty sure it is Yellowstone, not Yellow Stone, one word, not two.

Second, there are a lot of missing commas, and some other errors of punctuation. For example, all the ellipses in the final sentence/paragraph were unnecessary. This needs a thorough edit to clean it up.

Still, a good article.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


I was looking through your port for something to read and this struck me.

Technically, the story was great. I could not see any errors.

And as a story, an old woman remembering her youth and a time with her husband came across like an older person would tell the tale.

I like the way you interjected little bits of her life, what she was doing, into the story; it made it feel like we were really there.

I think the only thing that lets it down is the character of Jenny. While I understand she is a blank slate so we, the reader, can place ourselves in her place, I feel she is almost not there, a ghost in the background. I think she needed more to say or do to make the character come to life as much as Nan; she needs more agency. Could she ask a question, maybe? Even the dog felt more there than her.

Apart from that, this was a fantastic tale of love and memory.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review of The Darkest Storm  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy WdC anniversatu!

I am a sucker for horror/occult stories, so it was with interest I read this one.

I love the idea of a 1000 year old vampire having these extra powers and then killing all he had created or helped create. very apocalyptic. Marcus has the feeling of being aloof, which makes sense given what he has planned and what he is doing. Good character.

However, the rest felt muted. there was obvious affection between them all, and yet the death of Marie just made Louie kill himself. And... that was it. No other emotion from anyone? Jessica seemed a little concerned by the death of Damian, but was easily swayed away. There just felt like there was a disconnect from the emotions we could tell were there.

Jessica's death, especially, was just there. Surely there would have been a hint of remorse in Marcus?

Also, your descriptions are minimalistic. For a story like this, a little more gore would have helped. I know you may not want to go there, but a good vampire story relies on the gore, the taste and smell of the blood, the feel of its warmth. This tale just related things Marcus brought into play.

I think you could easily extend this out by expanding on some of the descriptions, emotional and physical, making us care more about these characters and what befalls them.

I don't mean to sound too harsh because, like I said, this story is a strong concept, and you have the story beats down. Marcus is a well-realised character. There is just so much room for more.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Flame Consumes  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy WdC anniversary.

Going through your portfolio, this is the sort of sentiment I put in a lot of my poetry - the lost love and desire for return poem.

Two quick things to start: the first line "do" feels like it should be "did" because it is in the past, and 8 lines from the end "ashed" should probably be "ashes."

So, to the poem. The idea of the person going and leaving a hole, an internal pain like fire, is something I feel many could relate to. There is a pain that is hard to describe which is why I think so many turn to poetry.

I am not sure I understand the end. Has the person called back, and the hatred that had grown for them is fading and now the narrator is concerned about letting positive emotions back in? That's how I read it, but I am not sure I am reading it correctly.

Anyway, a strong piece of emotional writing. Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This was a very true to life telling of the goings on in a library. I liked the idea behind it, and the way the two totally different sorts of people populate the library.

As a free verse poem, I did read it out loud (as I do with all poetry - I am also in a library and I think they're used to me now) and I think it could work well in a poetry slam type setting.

The only thing was it did feel sort of incomplete. This is not because of the way it is written, but because there is a "rule of three" in writing, and people have come to expect that things happen in threes. While it is fine to subvert this, only delivering two incidents does make the reader feel something is left out.

I am also in two minds as to whether the last line needs a question mark as you have not included punctuation anywhere else.

Also, an extra verse would make it better for public readings, length-wise.

Still, fun little poem. Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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73
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy WdC anniversary!

Looking through your portfolio, this poem struck me. So many could relate to it... and not just those in retirement mode!

The sentiment is great, and I agree we should return to hand-writing letters (or typing for those like me with handwriting that's shocking).

As for the poem itself, the rhymes worked well; none of them felt forced.

However, the rhythm felt off. Reading it out loud, I could not get into a good rhythm to allow the rhymes to shine through; the syllable count just made it an awkward thing to recite.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Book Reviews  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
An interesting read. I looked at this because my son read some Kipling last year and was told off by some people at the university for reading such "racist" works.

I agree with the quote you included by Maher - we should not look at these works through the eyes of "now" as that is inflicting ourselves upon a different time and culture.

As for your review, it has been a few years since I read Kim, but the way you have outlined the story seems pretty well right. I felt he was caught between England and India, and played one against the other, but that was my interpretation of the character. still, you've outlined it well.

I would like to have read more of what you thought about the story. How does it compare to modern stories of the same ilk? Was the pacing slow, was the language a barrier, little things like that.

As for technicalities, the third sentence of this review is one long run-on sentence that should be two (or three) individual sentences. I think "holly" should be "holy". And starting two paragraphs with "He also..." reads awkwardly.

So, I think I'd like a little more of you and your impressions of the story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review of Subtlety  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


The genre you chose for this was "dark." Yep. Dark.

The tale went through a logical progression, and it all made sense. Well, as much as these incidents could. the progression seemed like it would happen. And so easy, so coersive.

Normally, I would have complained about too much tell, not enough show, but I did not need to be shown. Not in this case. You used the language well enough that we knew what was happening and did not have to be fed the details. I think, maybe, stories like this work better for more readers as tell stories.

Technically, there were quite a few errors in comma usage and sentence structure. A good clean-up edit will fix these issues.

I do not want to make assumptions about where this story came from, but you have written a powerful piece that is ultimately depressing and feels like there is no happy ending to come.

Dark indeed.

Good luck going forward.


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