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This is my blog. I just went through a divorce; it was the worst thing that has yet to happen to me. This is me dealing with it and life. It's my blog; I write about what I want. I hope you enjoy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The above was me about three years ago. It is the most up to date digital photo I have.
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| Interesting times always come around with the summer. This summer is no different. Friday afternoon, the leader of my group, the guy just below my manager on the totem pole, sent out an e-mail asking for level four, five and experienced three personnel if anyone would be interested in a two to three month trip out to Seattle. I'm just a level one, so I didn't reply. Five minutes after the e-mail was received, the leader (known as my lead from here on out) called me and asked if I wanted to go. Of course I said yes. He has to find out if they'll accept little, lowly me, but I might be spending the summer in Mukilteo, Washington. It will be a strange, amazing vacation that I get paid to take. It's not definite, but it's a possiblity. So, I'll have to figure out how to move me and two cats for three months. I think I can do it though. In that same conversation, the team lead said that hopefully, I wouldn't be a one much longer. So, I found out that there is a lot going on in the background to get me a promotion. I don't know if I'll get it, but the fact that people think my work is that good makes me very happy. I don't know if I'll get the promotion because there are so many people that are put up for promotion, and this company only promotes a certain percentage of its employees. So, there is a limit to the number of people promoted, and some of those people have been in the running one, two or three times now. So, we'll see. There's an outside chance, right now. So, I might be heading out to the northwest for the summer and promoted! It's going to be a good summer. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| I read the article below that is a survey of women's reactions to the presidential race in 2008. There is a good portion of this country who believes that Mrs. Clinton lost because this campaign (and country) has been sexist. There are people who believe Mr. Obama dismisses her and is condescending to her. He is, but not because she's a woman. He is condescending because he believes he's won. However, that's another story. So, is this nation sexist, or did she lose on her own merits? Personally, I believe she lost on her own merits. Most people that I have met do not like her because she will lie to get power. (For example, her statements regarding getting shot at in Kosovo.) It isn't because she's a woman; it's because she's made statements that people disagree with. I don't care if she's a woman or not, her plans for socialized health care are expensive and unrealistic. Now, because she's losing the race and a certain portion of women say it's because of sexism, does this mean that if Barrack loses it will be because of racism? Or worse, if he wins are we just assuaging White, Liberal guilt? I don't believe so. Most of the people that I meet discuss the policies of the different candidates. Most of the people that oppose Barrack or Hillary have opposed their policies, like a national health care that bankrupts the nation and creates waiting periods for doctor visits. In fact, I've heard more speculation regarding McCain's age than either race or sex. So, does that mean that racism and sexism is done in the privacy of one's home nowadays? Or are racism and sexism now automatic responses that don't require conscious discrimination? Or is it that the losing side - Republicans or Democrats - will lash out because they don't understand how it's possible that people think differently than them? One thing that I have noticed is that most people can't understand why the world thinks differently than them. I have noticed this is a stronger trait among political people, protesters, talk radio hosts and professors than among the average American. Recently, here in St. Louis, a university honored one of its alumni who had risen to become a nationally known member of the conservative movement. The students turned their backs on her and professors left when she was awarded her honorary degree. I know in their minds that this seems like a noble cause. They believe they are fighting the system. Instead, they are showing how small-minded and petty they are. They are showing that the thoughts of a 70 year old woman is enough of a threat to them and their way of thinking that they can't even be around her. I wanted to ask them if their beliefs are so shaky and so fragile that listening to someone they disagree with is a danger. These professors who left the ceremony during this time just showed that free speech and open mindedness is not present in our universities. They cannot listen to someone who disagrees with them. These are the same people who believe that all small towns are racist. These are the same people who believe that America is sexist because Hillary is losing her nomination. So, my question is, are we really racist and sexist? Or do we just not agree with each other? http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/19/us/politics/19women.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&part... Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| I'm tired of rain. We've had enough rain the past couple of months to worry about flooding. My yard has more moss than grass, and part of the backyard is so wet, I can't mow it. The rivers are cool because they are so full. However, I am ready to be dry. I want the sun to come out and say hi. It needs to dry the ground. It needs to warm us. So, I'm starting a campaign for global warming. I'm going to buy all the hairspray I can find and release the chlorofluorocarbons into the atmosphere. I'm going to chop down trees so that carbon dioxide will not get recycled. I'm going to punch every squirrel I can find. (Why? I think they're plotting something. They're always scurrying around and stuffing acorns away for winter. They know something's up.) Next, I'm going to get the guy who invented the internet to advocate global warming. Sure his pool house uses more electricity than the average American household. Sure his private jet wastes more fuel than the average American uses. Sure, he let strip mining rape the earth on his farm, but he's credible. It's not like he drummed up all kinds of worry and panic over global warming and then started a hedge fund to make money off it. Then, maybe the rain will stop, and I can enjoy my front yard. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Well, I'm headed home in a few hours to visit family for Mother's Day. It's going to be hard this year because last month, we had to move Mom into an assisted living facility. Her multiple sclerosis is getting much, much worse. She wasn't taking care of herself, and she was relying on my Dad, way too much. Since last July (2007), she had only left the house four times. She couldn't make her own meals, and she forgot her medicine. She was in bed from five am to eight pm everyday and watched TV from eight to five. She couldn't remember simple things, and she was slowly losing her mind. In other words, she was headed downhill very fast. My father's health has been going down hill because he's been run ragged trying to care for mom. Their relationship has deteriorated to anger and resentment. He couldn't get any sleep because the TV was on all night which made him grouchy and irritable. Being so touchy caused fights between them, and they were both miserable. So, two months after my mother's 51st birthday, we had to move her into an assisted living complex. Her family was not visiting her, and my sister and I live too far for a casual drop in. Even when I was home, mom rarely left the bed to come out and talk with me. Dad had to force her out of bed when my sister visited from Louisiana. She wouldn't talk on the phone when I called home. It was hard to move her into the home. She blamed my Dad for all her troubles. She yelled at home at one point saying that he put her there. Then she was embarrassed because she was so young compared to the other residents. She was a spectacle, and it made her feel like a circus freak, a sideshow. However, we had no choice. We didn't know what else to do. She was obviously depressed about her condition. She wouldn't leave the house; she wouldn't seek help. She would miss all her doctor's appointments because she was sick. She missed Christmas because she had a headache. Dad would visit me, and she never came with him. She was dying slowly in her bed, and she wouldn't do anything about it. So, Dad made the hard choice to move her someplace where she could get help. He admitted that he wasn't caring for her. He was just facilitating her slow suicide. She finally recognized that she couldn't care for herself, and that Dad couldn't care for her correctly. But it was still so hard. I'm filled with horrible guilt having to move her in there. I don't want her there, and I wish I could do something else. I feel guilty because I cannot move her in with me. I don't have the money to make a room for her on the first floor where she would have to stay. For me to take care of her, I would have to give up my whole life. That's what Dad had to do. I can't, though. I want a family in the future. I want more than just to work and be a nurse. So, I helped move her into the facility and became a bad son. She has gotten better, though. I talk to her twice a week now. She's getting out of her room and talking to people. She's been out of the home on three occasions in the past two months. She gets out of her room everyday, and she's back on a regular sleep schedule. Mom is taking her medicines regularly, and she sounds better. She actually has stuff to say when I talk with her. She is remembering better, and I think that interacting with people has helped focus and sharpen her mind. She is starting to be the woman that I remember again, little by little. I will go home this Mother's Day heavy with the guilt that I could not do more for her. However, I will have a mother to go home to, and if a little guilt is the price for having her there., then it's one I can pay time and time again. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Thanks for all the comments yesterday. Apparently, I need to add a clarification. I did want to be friends with this gal; however, she couldn't be friends with me. That's what she told me. She thought it would be too hard. I should have told her up front that I just wanted friends and nothing more. However, I didn't know this when I met her. I thought I was ready for a girlfriend. I thought that I was ready for someone to be in my life. I wasn't, and I'm still not. I won't apologize for it. It's just what it is. My life before this year can easily be put into two categories: 1.) Single and 2.) Not Single. When Single, all I can think about is being...Not Single. Then, when Not Single, I am happy (sort of) and not thinking of anything else (most times). Then, eventually, Not Single turns into Single, and the whole thing starts over again. But as I've started taking my writing more seriously and as I've started to think about going back to school for writing, I've not been focused on the Single...Not Single debate that my mind and hormones usually engage in. It's nice to focus on something other than whether or not I'm alone. I'm focused on reading, writing, cleaning (the house) and my career. I did try to be friends with this gal, and maybe, it would have been better if I had told her from the start that I wanted to be friends, only. However, I didn't, and I can't change the past. So, I can only be friends with them that want to be friends with me. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| I met a gal through Match.com, and we talked four times before we went out on a date. We joked and laughed. We had a great time getting to know each other. The first date went so great that we made a second date right away. I saw her again...and again...and again. Then, she asked me to go with her to the zoo the day after a date. I panicked. I said no, that I was busy. This was true. I had work to do. For some reason, though, the thought of doing something with her two days in a row made me feel uneasy. I didn't...don't know why this is so. I liked this girl. I still like her, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. Maybe I should have said this from the first date, but I didn't know. I thought that I was ready to date again, and I am. However, I'm not ready for anything more than dating. I know that now because I like this gal, but I just don't feel right thinking about caring for someone or someone caring for me in return. I realized as she and I talked that I'm still learning how to take care of myself. I'm still building a life of my own. I think that if I'm going to learn anything from my failed marriage, it should be this. I have to build a life that is wholly my own. When I meet someone, I should add them as an aspect to that life. This other person should not be my life. Unfortunately, for this wonderful person, I'm just not at point where I'm ready to be anything more than friends. I'm too self involved at the moment to be a decent boyfriend. I'm too involved in work, school, writing and fixing my house, at the moment. This can and will change, but for now, dating has been put on hold for a couple months. So, this wonderful woman and I broke up. It sucked; it still sucks. It's hard and confusing because I want to hang out with this person. But I know that the right thing for me is to not have a relationship now. It's rarely easy to do the right thing, and this is no different. Unfortunately, the right thing is the only thing to do. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Well, April was the month for me to renew my license plates. Here in Missouri, we have to have an emissions and safety inspection. Well, my vehicle didn't pass the safety inspection. So, I had to have some work done. Okay, well, a lot of work. My car wasn't unsafe, but the brake pads needed replaced, it got out of alignment early this year. I had them do a tune up of the engine and some other vehicle things. However, I had a check engine light on from running cleaner through my fuel system. I explained to them that it was during the cleaning of the fuel system that the light came on, and that no work needs to be done on my engine. But what do I know right? I'm just an engineer. So, they did all this checking to see what was wrong with my engine. There was nothing, of course. However, during this check, they reset one of the emissions controllers on my engine. This controller adjusts itself as the engine is driven. So, as you drive, your engine (in any car built in the 2000's) monitors the emisions from the combustion process to run the vehicle at the most efficient manner. If there is fuel in the exhaust, then more air needs to be in the car. Since they reset this, they cannot complete the emissions inspection. So, I'm driving with expired tags. It's annoying, but it's my fault. Monday, I'm taking it back in so they can finish the inspections, and I can get my plates renewed. I haven't gotten a ticket (yet). And it's a small thing, but it's still breaking the law. I'm not a law breaker of any type. I like the laws. They are nice things that protect us all. Anyways, now that I'm a bad boy, I have to get a tattoo and start smoking. Maybe even wear a leather jacket or something. How long do those stick on tattoos last? Fuel saving tips of the day: 1.) Get your gas in the morning, the cold ground creates a more dense liquid. You get more gas for you gallon. (Although, it may not have a huge impact.) Also, some stations cannot change their price until they get confirmation from the corporate office. You can sneak in and get better prices this way. 2.) Pump slowly so you don't create fumes. You pay for the fumes, and they go right back into the tanks below the gas station. (Although, it may not have a huge impact.) 3.) Drive the speed limit. Between 60 and 70 miles an hour, every car (regardless of shape) can lose 3-4 mpg due to aerodynamic drag. 4.) Keep your tires inflated to the proper pressure. 5.) Never pump fuel while the fuel truck is refilling the stations tanks. It stirs up whatever is in the bottom of the tank. You're paying for the volume that dirt takes up, and it hastens the demise of your fuel filter. 6.) The EPA fuel efficiency ratings are based a gradual acceleration and gradual braking. So, don't stomp down on the accelerator or brake. A gradual approach to starting and stop can increase your fuel efficiency. 7.) Fill up at half a tank. The more air there is in your fuel tank, the quicker the gas evaporates. (This is more of a cumulative effect.) Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| After a month-long hiatus, I'm back, baby. I have lots of stuff to cover, and I won't do it all today. It has been an up-and-down month. I met a gal that I liked, but it fell through because I'm not ready for being in a relationship so quickly after the divorce. I turned 30, and nothing bad happened. My mom had to move into assisted living because her M.S. is just getting too bad. And I broke the law. I just got so busy with class and work, that I had no time to blog. I didn't want to come on here everyday and unload all my bitching and moaning about how busy and yada, yada. So, I took a month off blogging to regroup and get this taken care of. I learned about myself this month. I learned some hard, hard lessons. But I guess I needed to learn these things. So, I'm just writing to say hi for today. Expect more out of me this month. I plan to blog more often, but everyday might be a stretch. I hope everyone out there is doing well, and I'll see you again...soon. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Since my divorce, I have had to pay for a house that only a couple with a family and two incomes could afford. After contacting numerous mortgage brokers who were unwilling (or unable) to deal with the terms of my divorce, I had given up hope of being able to keep my house. I had little hope of being able to sell it because the market has people worried about buying new homes right now. With my income, I can afford my house, but because I have two rentals that according to the decree go to my ex-wife, the banks wouldn't let me count the rental income as mine. However, they said that I had to count the mortgages against me since I was still on the deed and mortgage note. So in other words, the banks were screwing me. Imagine that! So basically, I had thousands of dollars more expenses than income because they would not count the rents that pay for those mortgages as my income. So, the banks said this, but no mortgage broker has cried foul, except for the one that got my house refinanced. He really fought to get me the loan that I needed to keep the house. he stood up to the bank and said that the rental income should count against the rental mortgages. My ex-wife is still on the mortgages and deeds and has to pay them according to the divorce decree. So, she has to pay those mortgages. But apparently, the banks were willing to ignore that part of the legally binding contract that is our divorce decree. Now, I have great credit, an excellent job and more than two years of on-time mortgage payments. I have equity in that house, and it appraised higher than I thought it would. So, if I was too risky to give a loan to, then who isn't? But I found a person willing to go to bat for me. I found someone who enjoys helping people enough that he could stand up for what's right. Strangely, that's all it took. He showed the banks the backwards, faulty logic of their denial, and one bank agreed with him. So, I am so happy because I love this house. It's the first house I have bought for myself (third bought, overall). I have worked hard to make this house livable again, and I have more that I want to do with it. I will probably sell it next summer sometime because it's just too big for me. I have a hard time keeping everything as clean as I like. But, I have more time to do the work on the house that I think it needs. I can sell it when I want to at the price I want, rather than to have the court sell it by decree at the price a judge chooses. So, it was a great weekend for me! Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Okay, so, I can't wait until Monday. I closed on refinancing my house last night. I get to keep my house!!!! I found a mortgage broker who helped me juggle my finances so that I can keep my house. I am so happy. The ex signed the quit claim deed; she caused no trouble for me. I have until Wednesday if I want to cancel the loan, but I'm not going to do that. Yay!!!! Well, the date went great. We talked movies, Shakespeare, Pinter, comics, beer, wine and good food. We have a lot in common, so I had a great time, and she did too. We split a beautiful Pinot Noir, and we went for a walk around Old Towne St. Charles. No, I didn't get lucky because.... 1.) I'm not a first date type of guy. I think that every woman deserves respect, and part of me showing respect is to not sleep with her on the first date. I believe that this shows I'm interested in more than just her body. And... 2.) I'm too chicken to make a move!  Anyways, I would never talk about getting or not getting lucky on my blog. I'm not that type of braggart. Some things should be kept private. Have a great day everyone. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
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