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 |  A new year, a new blog, same mess of a writer. |
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It's been a while, but since the world is a mess, I might as well take a crack at this writing thing again.  I Write in 2019 ▼ 12 Stories in 12 Months ▼  |
| Date: 08.07.18 -- Day 86 Music: "Fallingwater" / Maggie Rogers My last post, while intended to be the start of something, ended up being a hiatus. There were so many thoughts and emotions and words spilling out of me that I thought I would be writing up a storm. In truth, soon after that post, all of my words dried up. A well suddenly in drought. There was simply nothing to hold on to. This isn't a formal post so much as a call up to anyone concerned. I'm still here. How here, I don't know. Personal things have been hellish. My illness has taken on a new turn in the long journey of deterioration. And through it all, I'm contemplating going back to school again, because I seem to be a person who likes pain. Oh, and this account turned 11 about a month ago. So here I stand, trying to see if I can refill this empty well. It's a slow process. I cannot guarantee anything. But I'd like to be back. So here's to hoping that the waters will rise once more. |
| Date: 05.23.18 -- Day 85 Music: "I'll Be Seeing You" / Billie Holiday Many apologies to every for not writing much that past few weeks. Things have been chaotic and hectic beyond measure, only to come to a complete stop last week with the news that my paternal grandmother, the woman whose name I hold in my own, had passed away. For the past few months I've been flying back and forth to Los Angeles to visit with her while she was in the hospital off and on. I've written about it here, but have kept the entries private as at the time I was going through some very complicated emotions. The emotions are still complicated, but now I have the extra layer of grief to add to them. She was a beautiful, complex, damaged woman. For better or worse, she was a large factor in making me what I am today. Our relationship was just starting to be something that was joyous, something that did not hurt our hearts when being in the same room with each other. Now that she is gone, I'm not sure what to feel. I'm not sure how to cry. There are so many things I want to say, and I have a feeling I will be writing about her and my family a great deal this coming month. I want to apologize and forewarn anyone who might peruse my blog that it might not make a ton of sense or might become this thing I cannot let go of as I try to untangle my thoughts. Please forgive me, if you can, for my tediousness. I don't know when I'll be back to writing in full fighting form, but know that I want to be back. My goal for this year is to write more, and I have every intention of keeping that up. I just need...time, I think. I need to not be held in the grip of grief once more. Maybe my working on my blog will be the thing to help guide my out of this emotional maze. So, in some form or another, I'll be seeing you soon. |
| Date: 03.28.18 -- Day 82 Music: "Come As You Are"(Live) / Nirvana The wonderfully awful thing about writing out your intentions, at least in my case, is that they often crumble to dust and fall through those nifty little cracks called life. I had plans. I was going to catch up. I was going to write. And then... Sigh. And then. There is the bitter. There is the sweet. Today as been a swing back and forth between the two. Good news tempered with the bad. A laugh and a smile followed by tears. |
| Date: 03.23.18 -- Day 81 Music: "Dear Prudence" / "Across the Universe" Cast I'm tip-toeing back after a hectic couple of weeks. My hope is to come back completely and finish up the tasks I need to do by this weekend. I'm behind. I'm always behind. But I miss not being able to write. Exhaustion. I passed exhaustion about a week ago. Ever feel that deep bone exhaustion? Spring has arrived, kinda, in the Pacific Northwest. The sun is out. The days are getting longer. People are happy even though the rain is still here in abundance. I'm approaching 30 soon, with a bullet. It bothers me more than anticipated. Not getting older. I'm content to be getting older. It's longer than I originally imagined I would live. What is bothering me is the idea that there are others who don't think I've "earned" it. That I need other things in order to truly be 30 -- a degree, a child, etc. It's such an arbitrary state-of-mind. I earned 30 by surviving this long. Full stop. I don't need other things to have complete sense of self. Guava and mint lemonade have been my flavors of choice these past few weeks. I think, deep down, I'm looking forward to summer? That's strange for me. Not bad strange. Just strange. The first quarter of 2018 has been something. How did everyone else do? |
| Date: 02.28.18 -- Day 80 Music: "Here Comes The Sun (Cover)" / Yo-Yo Ma & James Taylor -- "My Sweet Lord" / George Harrison A momentary good vibes kind of thing. Enjoy!  |
| Date: 02.27.18 -- Day 79 Music: "99 Luftballons (Cover)" / Kaleida Recovery is a pain. After getting back from an emergency trip to Los Angeles this past weekend, my body has been having fun trying to get out of fight or flight mode. I'm kind of always in fight or flight mode, constantly tapping into that adrenaline reserve to survive the day-to-day, but there was this extra layer I've have to get over. My heart rate has been between 105-120 since Monday. It's weird that I'm getting used to the jumpy feeling in my chest. The doctor said that while high, it's not something to completely worry about until the 150s. My EKG was normal-ish? So no caffeine. Must limit stress (LMAO). Log my vitals three times a day. I can tell you that my bones are exhausted. But my grandmother is not only out of the ICU, she got to go back to the retirement home today. It's a win to hear she was smiling as she settled back into her room. My heart will calm down eventually. That she gets more time at peace makes it worth it. There are some days though that start just off. Not fully bad, just right of center. The focus on the picture of the day is just a bit swiggy around the frame. This started when sometime last evening I dislocated one of my ribs. It just sorta popped out of place. This happens. I have slippery ribs. It annoys more than pains because it's just vastly inconvenient. Being upright hurts and bending to the right takes my breath away. I had hope that between the rib and the heart rate issue, my wish-washy luck would take pity on me. I shouldn't have tempted fate that way. My first mission this morning was to tackle the dishes piling up in my kitchen sink. It was a mistake. I managed to drop one of my favorite cups on my first dish out of the sink, cracked it in half, and sliced open my finger. Needless to say, I stepped away from the dishware for a while. I tripped over the same cord three times, nearly taking myself out on said cord and bashing my head into the wall. It would have been an undignified way to end. It can see it now, my older brothers crying and laughing because their klutz of a sister's own feet ended up being her downfall. (I'm sorry; I had to.) So today was a day I called it. I walked off the field, put my mitt in the locker, and headed home before the anthem was even played. For everyone's safety, tbh. And I didn't want to end up in the ER for the whole day with whatever mess I inadvertently out myself into. Sometimes you just have set everything aside, crawl back into bed, and hope the next day will be better. Sometimes the best thing is to do nothing. |
| Date: 01.22.18 -- Day 75 Music: "After The Storm" / Kali Uchis featuring Tyler, the Creator and Bootsy Collins I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. It's got that old school funk, cruising around in the afternoon kind of feel. But more than that, there's this tough love kind of message that I needed, I think. Both blunt and encouraging. Both sympathetic and realistic. Life is rough. Everyone is going through something. So the only person who you can depend on is you. Yet, if we all do that, just try to get through the tough times to save ourselves, and lend that compassionate understanding to others, maybe things won't be so hard. Kind like the airplane philosophy of putting on your own air mask first before assisting others. If one is kind to themselves, then that kindness will stretch to the people around them. This past weekend has been a life lesson in fiascoes where this song comes to mind. Because of the depth of my mother's illnesses, most of the medical and household items needed for the house are bought online. There's only so much I can do by bus or taxi (and because of my medical conditions, I'm not a good candidate for driving - another story for another time). Amazon, though horrible in many instances, has been a staple for us for some time. So we receive a ton of deliveries each week. There's enough cardboard in my apartment to open a postal supply store, I kid you not. I'm sure my neighbors have some fun theories on what actually we are receiving on a regular basis. It's a thing. Unfortunately, things can get mixed up in transit. We seemingly "lost" three packages, two containing medical supplies, sometime on Thursday although the tracking number said that the packages had been delivered to our parcel box. This situation caused a bit of a pickle given that we cannot report it "lost in transit" to Amazon because tracking numbers don't lie. Well, they can, but the current system is treated as almost infallible. So there were numerous phone calls to our local USPS branch over the past several days. Teeth-grinding phone calls. A solid chunk of that listening to elevator muzac as people went from department to department.It wasn't just about the lost money if the packages just were lost to space and time. The medical supplies were needed in a situation where the status went for soon to really soon approaching desperate with each passing day. Miraculously, the packages arrived today, which was weird, because technically we're still in the phone tag phase when they magically appeared in our box this afternoon. I'm just happy they're here. The whole situation was frustrating for everyone, and I think that can easily get lost in the mire of issues that popped up. From my family's perspective, it was about the money we spent that would essentially be gone, replacing the medical supplies again with some urgency, and ultimately, can we trust the delivery system again since we were given five different responses and no clear idea on what actually happened. USPS and my family are in a relationship where the power dynamic sits almost exclusively in their hands. However, and this is a big one, I can also imagine that things were not great on the other end of the delivery snafu. Postal workers of all stripes and companies have complex, demanding jobs that often go without anyone expressing gratitude. They must handle hundreds of thousands of packages every day while contending with things like transportation, delivery guarantees, weather conditions, human error, etc. Like anything involving more than two steps, there is great potential for everything to go wrong, even when there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. That's just the law of big numbers. So while we're angry and frustrated and anxious, so are they. Everyone has bad days. Out of all the things that went well, here was this problem with no clear answer and hundreds of moving parts. In truth, I think the carrier was having an off day, things fell through the cracks, and the packages were misplaced. It happens. But in that moment, all there seems to be is disaster. As I hope this situation has come to a close, I am reminded that life is a rough road. It's good to remember that everyone is having difficulties. While one can really only depend on themselves, it's good to remember that kindness and understanding can go a long way in making those treacherous journeys a little less daunting. So I have a "thank you" note to write to my carrier. And a little prayer that whatever may be happening for them lessens as time passes. We are alone, together. I don't know why, but I find comfort in that. |
| Date: 01.15.18 -- Day 73 Music: "Linger" (Acoustic) & "Zombie" (Live) / The Cranberries Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries has suddenly died. The Cranberries have meant a lot to me throughout the years. They were a staple in my teens, shaping me in my early adulthood. Her voice, in particular, was so unique and haunting. Every song, no matter if it was about love or war, was felt it in your gut. I cannot believe she's gone. |
| Date: 01.07.18 -- Day 72 Music: "No Peace In Quiet" / Delta Rae The scent of coffee seems to have permeated my clothes and my skin. I've been haunting so many coffee shops this past week, in two different countries no less, that there's a good chance I am slowly becoming a coffee bean. The nature of tutoring and counseling makes coffee shops to best alternative to having an office, simply for the fact that most tutoring sessions go beyond academia. Libraries just don't have that kind of atmosphere for those conversations. (It's my way of helping to keep libraries quiet zones for students and visitors; loud conversations in libraries have always been one of my irrational pet peeves.) This has been a difficult quarter, and the quarter has barely begun. In some ways, Winter Quarter is the hardest of quarters because there isn't that rush of summer break being around the corner like in Spring or the drive to start anew like there is in Fall. Winter is that harsh middle ground. The nights are long and cold and damp. The sound of one's heart beats louder because winter only brings silence. There are a great many inner journeys happening, a search of warmth perhaps, whether people are really ready for that kind of trek or not. Truths are harsh and glaring like the gleam of light off the surface of a frozen, icy lake. Too harsh sometimes. I cannot blame my students for feeling it because I feel it too. It's a trick of the light from a winter sun - so desperately wanted, but at the same time, only an fraction of its true strength. The hard part about this job is walking the line between friend and tutor. Each of my students is also my friend. We were friends before the tutoring happened in most cases, or we became friends after tutoring led to talking about personal issues. And each of them has different needs. Some need to a no-nonsense older sister while others need the fun, odd aunt who teaches around the subject for them to really understand the information. I adapt to them instead of each of them adapting to me. I started out the other way, but it wasn't successful as the moment they started to struggle, they either gave up entirely or tutoring sessions were just another chore they put off as often as they could. By adapting to them, everyone won and succeeded. It's simply finding the right time to code-switch. Sometimes I forget to switch over, but luckily we all seem to have come away from the experience unscathed or they don't notice, lol. But it's sessions like today where I wonder if my student got what they needed from me. We were set to tutor as she preps for the beginning of her quarter, but the dark season has gotten to her. While she's not one to say it, 2017 was a difficult year for her, including a car accident that caused a lot more lasting damage than she initially thought. She's unsure and feeling down about life and herself, and that is leading her to make impulsive decisions. It became obvious that the personal needed to happen before the academic as one was impeding the other. Thinking back about it, I'm not sure I made the switch as well as I should have. She needed a friend, but I was sterner than I usually am with friends. Idk if that's winter invading me too or if that's just me now. We left on a good note as I think my tone actually helped her cut through of the messiness of her current situation, but I cannot help but wonder if it was the right thing as a friend. That pesky line. There are other things I should be writing, other things I should be focused on, but I cannot thinking back through my past week, remembering every coffee cup I nearly burned my hand on and the sharp scent that seems to cling to me, following me home even in my off time. I cannot help but wonder if I'm handling things as I should. The doubt they feel, I feel as well. That deep and buried seed of self-loathing, I recognize that festering emotion within myself. That idea that it would be better to just stop and hide in a hole somewhere, but having too much responsibility to ever actually do that. Maybe it's that I've exceeded the amount of coffee I can have for a week threefold, but there is this feeling of despair in the chilled daylight. A kind of despair that feels catching. Now more than ever I realize that sometimes all we have are words against the invading cold. So to anyone who reads this, please know, you are enough. Right here, in this moment, you are enough. No matter the life you've led before this moment or the life you will lead after it; you are enough. Please stay warm out there. |
| Date: 12.30.17 -- Day 71 Music: "This Year" / The Mountain Goats 2017 has gone both inexplicably fast and exceeding slow. I have never been more thrilled for a year to be over. I had these exact sentiments in 2016, not knowing that 2017 was going to give it a run for its money. There has been a lot of pain, a lot of fear and bewilderment. There are many scars and a boatload of grief. It's hard not to dwell in those things. This winter has seemed harsher than before. And while technically tomorrow is a new beginning, it doesn't seem like anything will change. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow is 2018. Tomorrow is...tomorrow. The one thing I can take away from this year is that I know how to survive even in the bleakest of hours. In my 30th year, I think that's what I'm grounding myself in. Maybe that survival has been by the skin of my teeth. Maybe it has made me a harder, colder person than I was before. But I survived. It wasn't always pretty, but I put one foot in front of the other. Lord willing, and the creeks don't rise, I'll do that again come the morning. If I'm to take away anything from this year, it's that. 2018 is not a year of high expectations. If anything, the path for the coming year looks steeper than before. I've set the bar of passing on the ground. All 2018 needs to do is tiptoe over that bar to make it "successful". I'm laughing right now because it really is such a low margin for success. It's funny how much I'm not even asking for it to be a year of thriving or peace. Just a little smidgen of a bit better than before. Just a little. Tonight's grand festivities include bagels for dinner, whisky for midnight, and taking out the recycling before I go to bed. So here's to everyone who has made it through another year. May your night go smoothly, and if partying is involved, hopefully it goes safely as well. Look out for one another if you can. May your Monday not be too cold, and whatever your hopes are for the new year, may they come true - soft and sweet. Happy New Year.  |
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Week 1: December 31st - January 6th:
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