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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Stik to My Own Beat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👼intuey

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

June 16, 2020 at 10:42am

#985770

To be (openly) fragile

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: Enchanting Ghost
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

"Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Prompt: “Real beauty is in the fragility of your petals. A rose that never wilts isn’t a rose at all.” ~Crystal Woods
About roses or people, do you agree?

100% agree.

And I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me, there is absolutely power in fragility. There is power in vulnerability. I hate this societal idea that pervades every aspect of life pushing the narrative that only analytical, logical things have value. Fuck that and fuck you. I'm analytical for 50 hours a week while I do accounting. I'm not going to spend my free time patting myself on the back for making astute, surface-level observations on a litany of bullshit.

Whatever. I'm off topic already. How emotionally stunted of me.

The fact that we applaud people for 'rising above' anything that has emotional depth grosses me out. Growing up isn't my forte. In my late teens/early twenties, people were more tolerant of me and my #issues. In my late twenties, it's incredibly difficult to get anyone to see me as anything other than emotionally crippled and immature.

Who could have guessed that untreated mental illnesses don't just go away? No one could have predicted that I wouldn't "outgrow" a lifetime of deep trauma by age 25.

It's difficult for me to even communicate with other humans at this point. I have all this shit that goes down in my life, and yeah, 90% of it is probably me fault, but that isn't really the point. The point is that it's hard to go from the shit I experience on a daily basis to having a normal conversation with another adult human. Every time I talk to someone, I feel like I'm making a dialogue choice in a video game that is going to determine whether I gain or lose favor with the other person.

It's hard to even respond to, "Oh, hey, how are you doing?" "What have you been up to today?"

Do I fucking lie? Is that what normal, mature adults do? I've gotten to the point where people are so sick of hearing the same shit from me that I could say the craziest fucking thing is up and they're essentially like, "Ah, I see..."

Like, no one wants to be that fucking person. But my options are like do I just lie to this person's face and have all of our conversations go like, "Hey, how are you doing?" "Fine, you?" "Yeah, I'm good too, I was just reading this book about a dog that found its way back to its owner after being lost for two years and..."

That's great sometimes, but with the absolute hellhole of a backdrop I have going on, I will instantly fucking dissociate during these conversations. I don't even feel like a real person who is present in the moment. I don't even feel like I exist. Especially because I've gotten to the point with people where I can tell them what's going on and they'll still tell me about the book about the dog who found its owner after being missing for two years.

Literally, "Hey, dude, what's up?" "Ah, I just got my fucking ass handed to me. I'm losing my mind; I need to get the fuck out of here." "That's cool, I was just reading this book about a dog that found its way back to its owner..."

From a comedic standpoint, fucking hilarious. From a human standpoint, I completely depersonalize and derealize in that moment.

I feel like I don't matter, I guess? And like regardless of what I responded with, you were going to tell me about the dog book.

It isn't other people's fault, really. I don't know what can be expected of others, especially because every shitty thing in my life is directly related to having borderline personality disorder. I'm just insanely impulsive and self-punishing. My relationships are an absolute clusterfuck because I allow them to be, because I don't know how to accept love that isn't toxic. Any time I try to extricate myself from a shitty situation, I feel a high level of guilt for 'abandoning' the situation. And if we're being real, I don't believe I deserve to be free of bad things in the first place, so that kills the motivation a bit.

I'm trying to get to the point where I don't openly share things with people. It's part of the impulsiveness of my mental health disorder. Oversharing things that people don't really give a fuck about is kind of a trademark of BPD. Then later you're embarrassed like, why did I even try to talk to that person about something they have absolutely zero interest in? Then you hate yourself a little bit more and it just cycles that way endlessly.

And I'm always reminded of being 16 and obviously being kicked out of my parents house. And having my older brother look me directly in my eyes and call me a burden. I've never been able to escape the feeling I felt then. That feeling of like, You're an annoyance to others. You don't bring anything valuable to the table. People would be better off without you...

It isn't fair or reasonable to put your fragility and sensitivity on other people. It's not fair to expect for someone to continuously uplift you from situations you willingly put yourself in. I think what's hard to understand is that in the moment, I really don't care. I'm so full of self-rage that I don't care if I've put myself in a dangerous situation. I don't care that someone is being aggressive or violent with me. I don't care if someone beats the fuck out of me. I don't care about the money. My mind completely blanks out.

It's like someone choking you and your vision is starting to grey out. And I'm just like, fucking kill me. please. It's almost cathartic in a way because all of my fears, all of my anxieties that have led me to that moment, are just gone. It's like if you jumped off a roof and you didn't care because you'd already leapt? Those moments are so peaceful for me because it's too late and it was in my control. The situation is out of control, but I made an active choice within my control and now whatever happens, happens. I just feel so calm.

But then, inevitably, when I survive the encounter, I have days of emptiness that follow. I have deep shame and guilt because I'm so angry at myself. I'm in physical and mental pain, but I still have to act normal. So I talk to someone and they're like, "Hey, how are you, I'm going to tell you about this dog book regardless of how you're doing, but go ahead and tell me so we can move on to the part where I tell you about the dog book."

And it feels like my experiences aren't real. Like, the juxtaposition makes me dissociate and makes me feel so abnormal and just nonexistent. Because I feel so nonexistent, I end up cycling back to it because I need to feel something again. I'm not even doing it for the money at this point, I'm just doing it so I can feel like a person who exists for an hour.

It just loops like that endlessly.

People who know me more intimately are just like, "Holy fuck, dude, just stop." But I can't. Because I'm completely disconnected from the world and everything around me and I need to briefly connect myself to something.

So, to the people who say or imply that people shouldn't be fragile or shouldn't be vulnerable (especially openly/publicly), this is what you're dismissing.
This is what you're brushing off as worthless.

Oh, and P.S. I started doing drugs again. Bye.

Did you cut your hands on me?
Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed?

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