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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| My afternoon was good and spent with my Colin. I didn't see him for a while and it was nice to see him if only for while. I was quite excited by the fact that I am now fully employed. The company is an international company. It's very nice to be working full time again. One might say it could be what I needed at this time in my life. I always thought that I'd work forever, and not go into full retirement till I was 70. But that was a while ago. I remember that I consulted banks and financial websites to see what they predicted my 401(k) might be once I got retired. I also did a budget on a spreadsheet (excel) and tweatked it every week. I had credit cards to pay down and that was a challenge, and I almost got them to manageable level. I had one of those brokerage firms that told me in a graphical way how my 'score' was cmopared to others of the same income. I was an only child and I already lost my mom and all I had was my Dad. I decided at one time to see if I could 'downsize' my spending. SO instead of having to live on 74K I thought I'd tell myself to live on $40K a year. it was quite a challenge. I had many things I spent on - bills, credit cards, loans, car payments, hair appointments, massages (every 3 weeks, so very happy to have that but now I have to not do anymore massage appointments), and shoes, and bags, and outfits for work. And oh, those jewelry shows on QVC that had Judith Ripka and so many others. I had those to buy and then I wondered where on earth was I going to wear these rings? I only had two ring fingers you see, and well, I had to stop buying rings anyway. Then the next thing I got into was earrings that dangled and glittered and everything else. I had a few times I went for a manicure and that was so expensive - imagine a manicure that would be $25 and if you wanted 'gel' it was up to $35. So I only did those things occasionally, specially when the manicurist would ask coyly why I was having a manicure (like I had to have a reason, lol) so I'd lie and say I was going to a wedding or going to an evening event with my company. So I had all these fun things. But after a while, after trying to downsize to a lesser income (even with the same income), I also had to put in the reality of when my Dad would pass on. Would I have enough money to pay the mortgage and the utility bills? Would I still be able to pay for the lawn company to cut the grass or the snow removal service to come whenever it snowed over 4 inches of snow in town? Would there be a person to ask to fix a problem with the furnace, the toilet and the electric plugs? Would I have to hire a handyman who asked for $300 for a few hours of work? Would I be strong enough to haul that Troy Bilt lawn mower around the back yard and into the front when I was in my 70s? It was a scarey thought these, but I had to face this and I was not too daunted, but I had to go and become more healthy I thought> . I went and worked out at the gym and see if I could at least go on the treadmill and lift weights and do whatever. I wasn't a happy person sometimes but then work got so fucking sad and I felt so toxified. I couldn't stay there. So I felt as though I needed to take a break - and I signed up for an MFA to see if I could write creatively. And that cost me a lot of financial aid stuff. Then I quit my full time job and took a leap of faith that God was going to catch me on the way down. My Dad was ok with my quitting. He said that he was going to say that I ought to quit my job, I guess he saw how I was when I got home from work. Many times I'd be home and I'd collapse on the couch. He'd be the one to cook and then he'd wake me up and tell me dinner was served. SO I'd go to the table and eat. Then I'd skip washing the dishes till the next morning. Then I'd go to the same couch and sleep, and then I'd wake up then next morning when it was time to go to work again, still in the same clothes I wore thenight before. It was like that. I was gaining weight and then I got so stressed. There were some people gunningfor my job there and I had no cover. I was going straight into a hellish end. My boss was infatuated with a young Asian girl and so he told me he was goign to put me into another department. I said Fine, but I think you're rejecting me. He had no real answer but he told me with a smile "You'll be star there" and I didn't say anything. It took three months to get to the next department. The girl he got pregnant came back from maternity leave and so he said Ok you, Mary, go on to get to the INternational department. I sat there surrounded by these jerks who were crowing about how fun it was to do so many cool projects and I was like What about me? I didn't care I wanted to tought it out and see them go and be fired for being so stupid and talking all day like they could fritter their paychecks that way. But God had other plans. So my exit strategy was to make up a story about something - I had a former crush in the past - so I told everyone that this guy was back and he was gonig to marry me and so I had to go and leave. I told them he was going to take me to England and we'd be a happy couple forever. I also gotone of those Diamonique solitaire rings and wore them everywhere, and well, they were believers. Then some asshole talked me into trading in my Accord for a BMW 320i and well, that pretty much sewed up my departure! But life had a twist and turn and well, I spent all my 401(k) on myself and others - like it was Christmas time. It wasn't too hard to do that. I was told that all that money I saved was BAD money. Nobody wanted it in heaven, they said. SO I said Ok, I'll spend it - I went on Amazon, I published a book or two (I paid for it), I bought scads of boots and makeup and well, I also helped a poor family in Manila whose mom needed money to set up a small booth in the market so she could support her kids - her husband was a drug addict and was no good. I might say that these people don't know anymore about me. Then one of the kids I and my Mum while she was alive, supported him through nursing school. Mum died in 2011. I retired in 2017. I now have gone through a very strange and interesting journey. I met my real husband then and now he's happy with me. I now feel as though all of that was somehow a way to learn about loving God and Jesus. And loving those who were loved by Them. I am now lucky because (well blessed not lucky) I've got a new job and it's fun to have some sort of financial security. My Dad was so stressed out because he was gettin the runaround by his banks here in town. There was so much frustration with him, and how he could strethc his small income to get food, stuff to keep thehouse from gettingi nto foreclosure. I even contacted HUD to find a way so they could help. And they did give me a name to send an email to. But because of this new job I think we can keep this house and maybe in a while we can replace some of the things that have failed to work. I guess we can all learn from what happened to me - a jolly and carefree girl who suddenly had to grow up and then go through a rather hazardous journey to learn about trusting God and making it through each day and thanking God that she was still alive. I hope you all have a good evening. Mary |
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