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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| Okay I have this thing about me where I don't really like to look at people full on when I'm walking past.(which makes people I know think I'm ignoring them when they pass me on the street and tell me later, when in fact I really didn't see them -honestly!) I mean I have no problem if I'm in a conversation with someone and I looking them in the eye but when I'm walking I feel like I'm staring at someone if they catch me looking or having glanced their way....so anyway in saying that I also have this thing about figuring out why someone is looking at me if I feel they've looked at me or glanced in my direction one too many times.... Now keeping all of that in mind, yesterday I was at the gym. Now when I go to the gym I'm all about working out and its not at all about looking cute. Not that I go looking a mess because I go right after work, but I'm not concerned with my make-up or my clothes during my work-out (usually just shorts or sweats and a t-shirt) because what matters is how I look away from the gym when my hard work is in effect. Anyway, I'm on the treadmill and I usually run for 30 minutes straight with a 5 minute cool down. The other day I pushed myself to a 40 minute run at even higher speeds with a five minute cool down. Now the machine I got on yesterday had a 30 minute limit and wouldn't let me run for 40 minutes. This turned out to be a good thing because I wanted to quit after 10 minutes but I kept talking myself into continuing and I was having this crazy inner dialogue with myself trying to stay motivated. Meanwhile this police officer pulls up outside (I'm running in front of a window) and he's right in my line of vision so I immediately glance away from him as I'm huffing and puffing and trying to convince myself to keep going (plus I'm running at a speed of 5.5 which is pretty fast)...so he commences (in my mind) to glance my way many times and I'm trying not to look at him which feels impossible and I feel that he knows that I'm trying not to look at him and its getting embarassing (at least in my head). Then I start to think that maybe he's not even looking at me at all and I'm imagining all of this and I'm really full of myself to think that he's looking out of interest especially since I'm running and sweating (profusely) and seriously I need to get a grip. Mind you NONE of this took my mind off of running but it did keep me running because I felt compelled to prove a point -to who? I don't know but I felt like I was proving something to the cop and everyone around me. I'm so competitive that I'm always silently competing with the person beside me or around me proving that I can run just as fast for a really long time and not quit. I'm crazy, cause I know not one person is focused on me at the gym... although yesterday I had my music playing as I was coming down the stairs going to the locker room and this guy bounded down the stairs on the other side and he started to say something (and I knew he was trying to talk to me) but I kept on as if my music was really loud (and it was) and I couldn't hear or him or I didn't understand his intentions...I have a boyfriend plus the fact that I get SOOOOO embarassed and self-conscious at times when people approach me -its a wonder I have a boyfriend at all...though I am very flirtatious.... I seriously lost my train of thought and whatver point I was trying to make... |
| Finally! my upstairs neighbor is in the process of moving out -and boy is it a process...anyway despite all the trouble she was I feel bad. I hate that I feel bad because honestly she was a nightmare to live under and she had NO respect for us as people living under her -but I still feel bad that things ended on a bad note. Dave called me the other day to tell me to watch out because her and her family were moving stuff and they were coming up and down the steps...luckily I didn't encounter anyone but Dave told me that when he came up the stairs Yolanda was coming down and she was crying.... what can I say, I feel like the bad guy but then I try to remember the blasting music, the STOMPING everywhere, no carpet, the ridiculously loud conversations and all of that only slightly makes me feel better...I had imagined that she would be going to another apartment and would end up being happier with people who might not incesantly complain about her behavior as I did, but the tears seem to indicate that this move is not for the better and the new place won't be fun. Dave said he also passed her mom before he saw Yolanda and she looked pissed. The thing is, I think she put up the full years rent for her daughter in cash ( I know this from another source -it's all so complicated) because her daughter has terrible, horrible credit and then Yolanda was supposed to take over the payments come this year -well I can only imagine that her mom is not putting up any more money... Clearly I'm way to invested in this whole soap opera that I've created and I'm hoping that with her departure I can have some closure to my obsession. It's obvious that I need it. |
| I spent Mother's Day with Dave's family which was was nice but a little lonely (there goes that word again). I really like his family but at times I feel isolated because many times that we get together they spend a LOT of time reminiscing about the past. Which is fine because I love to do that with my family but for the girlfriends and extras in the group we can't remember. The thing is I'm the ONLY extra so I spend a lot of time hearing stories I've heard before or trying to understand the inside joke that's being told for the hundredth time that I still don't get nor understand why its funny. Dave's little sis (she's 23) is pregnant, which I think I mentioned before but his 90 year old grandma just found out today in the restaurant and she was SO shocked! I mean she's 90, I understand she comes from another time, but this past Christmas when she found out that I was going home to Cali for X-Mas with my family about two days before she said she was shocked for the week about THAT so you can imagine her shock today. LOL Dave hasn't even told her we moved in together almost a year ago. She thinks we live in the same apartment building on different floors. Not my idea, by the way. Anywho, I missed my mom and family a lot because whenever we get together we have a really good time. I talked to mom this morning because she called to say she was on my time because she was in Atlanta with a BUNCH of my family for my cousin's graduation from Spelman an then they were all driving to South Carolina sometime this week for two more of my cousin's graduation. She wished I was with her. I wished I was with her...but its good to be missed and loved. I sent an aunt of mine (my mom's second to youngest sister) a card and gift. I wrote her a little personal message because we had sort of fallen out over something sort of trivial but I always felt bad and guilty about it and up until now had never expressed that to her, so I'm sort of awaiting her response but telling myself at the same time that what counts is that she got my message but honestly I do hope to hear from her in some way. I'm not quite ready to be a mother and I can't wait to be a mother, but either way I look forward to that day. I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day! p.s. yes I still call my mom, mommy |
| I had my first extended conversation with a co-worker on Friday and it happened to be with the other black chick who also happens to have locs like me...( I now have this thing with calling my hair locs and not dreads) anyway before I spoke to her I admit I had her pegged as a certain type. Nothing bad just she seemed like someone I probably wouldn't end up really close to or anything...she has long locs and she wears small but thick glasses she just seemed a little corny to be honest... so anyway we ended up getting into a conversation and we ended up discussing our locs. She was commenting on how she liked mine a lot and the length and I was telling her that I was a semi-newbie becuase I'd only been in the process for about nine months but I've learned so much about my hair and its natural texture and so on. So I told her that I like her length and she commented that the longer that her locs grew the more stereotyped she became. She said people stared at her or thought of her as some back to Africa type woman or a number of beliefs that were projected on her. She asked me my experiences and I said I hadn't gotten that kind of attention. Though I honestly admitted that while in college when my hair was processed me and my friends used to classify the chicks with locs as earthy or mother earth types quickly dismissing them as corny, but I realize nowhow it feels to be on the otherside. To an extent. Really having locs gives you a certain amount of strength and courage because people expect you to be a certain way and having your hair anything other than permed or pressed in the black community is for many sacrilegious. Having straight, fine hair is such an obsession -I know because I used to be obsessed. As my hair evolves so do I. The changes with my hair can really be seen as a measuring stick to how far I've come as a person, it really speaks to my growth spiritually and personally. I feel Dave is so caught up in how other people see him or what they might be saying about him and I don't care. To a very small extent it matters, but at the end of the day I matter the most. p.s. I'll have to post a pic so ya'll can see the locs... |
| I can't seem to stop thinking about the pay cut I took for my new position. Suddenly that's my brand new obsession. I have conflicting feelings. For one I think this is a great company and I have a wonderful opportunity here. I keep reminding myself that I'm still paying my dues and I have so much room for growth. Yet I can't help but feel as though I'm behind. I need to be more diligent in budgeting yet I feel the need to spend. I hadn't bought anything (clothes) in a minute -sticking to my budget but I always feel like I need so much. Not want. Need. The truth is I DO need stuff but it never quite seems enough or I feel like I didn't buy the right things. There are suppose to be staples that you can buy for your wardrobe and just add from there and I haven't a clue. Its so damn frustrating. Sometimes I think money would help but I feel like I need to earn the big money otherwise I feel guilty... I feel alone. I feel misunderstood. Hell I can't even figure myself out. Then I try to force these thoughts out of my head because I know I'm not crazy or abnormal or corny or whatever and I feel everyone around me is okay. No has thoughts that I do and acknowleding them makes them feel real and me like a pariah. (sigh) I was reading O magazine and there was an article about lonely people. Listen I was embarassed to read it in public thinking people would think I was lonely and needed some advice. I was flipping through the pages always ending up at the article -partly because I'd read everything else plus I honestly DID want to read it. I needed to know what my problem was sometimes. Hell I have plenty of lonely moments...I'm having one right now... |
| Let me tell you let me tell you, I watch Starting Over (I tape it) faithfully and that show is the TRUTH! For Real! If you didn't know before Iyanla Vanzant she is phenomenal...okay...she sees all of you even when you think you've gotten it hidden perfectly. If you've never read her bool(s) I encourage you to check it out of the library because you will not be disappointed... Let me backtrack for just a moment. Starting Over is an excellent show that comes on NBC (eastern standard time at 11 a.m.) and its about women who go to the "Starting Over" house to basically deal with some issues that are plaguing them as adults in the real world and keeping them from living an enriched life. Its reality... Now although Starting Over is definitely a diverse show at the moment they have two black women in the house along with three other white women and tensions are running HIGH! But as the consulting psychologist on the show -Dr. Stan- said generally people like to find people who they think they'll automatically connect with because of similar race or style or culture and that may not be the case at all and because we refuse to open up to someone who seems so different from us we may be walking away from a lifelong best friend. Antonia, who is in the house because she is learning to deal with issues that have her over $60,000 in debt and she's only like 27-30 is a spoiled brat. She was given an assignment to redecorate the downstairs guest bedroom with a budget of $10,000. Now she didn't ONCE ask about prices or anything to do with money and she has spent $9200 so far. Now she had to paint the room and her deadline was the next day. This girl gets pissed at everyone else because no one came to help her (eventhough she waited until the last minute to do the work.) In the house you learn that you cannot expect people to do things for you...you must always ask and eventhough you may ask you may not get the help -and that's okay. Well Antonia has yet to learn that shocking truth but to hear her (in her hilarious Boston accent) tell it you can tell she'll be in the house for like 6 months. That show really makes me think about lmy life and my relationships and how I treat people and myself. Iyanla said today that often people get mad because that is the easiest emotion for them to express because instead of getting to the true feeling -the hurt feeling that you may be feeling (for instance if Antonia would have told her housemates that she was really hurt that no one took the time to come and help her) and being vulnerable with that feeling, letting the other person that you need them -becomes too scary and so many of us turn that feeling into anger in order to protect ourselves. Boy could I relate to THAT! Because before that moment (literally) I was so ready to be mad at Dave. Here it is 7:50 p.m. and he hasn't once called to tell me he's working late, going somewhere, taking a walk or any number of things he could tell me just to let me know where he is and so I'm informed. And we have talked about it, so he knows...but the truth is that I really miss him. And I like his company after I've been home for a little bit and when he isn't there when I want him to be there and he didn't call like we've discussed in the past, it makes me miss him. Now I wasn't planning on telling him when he walked in that I missed him, but I did plan on being angry, but you know what -its not even worth it. And that's why I love that show because I heal along with those women and learn to open up more and be vulnerable and just decide to be me -unmasked. |
| Live in the moment. The words seem so simple yet I find myself focusing on everything from how tomorrow will be -my first day on a new job; if all the mother's will be happy with the gift I sent them, what I'll make for dinner - and many times I forget to live in the moment. Actually lots of times. I just finished Oprah's interview with Hugh Jackman in the June edition of O and the article brought such clarity! It made me think of my dancing. I've always been so restricted and ridiculously self-conscious which always ruins my dancing experiences (unless I've seriously been drinking) and I've never really lived in the moment any time I've been on the dance floor. Because of this I end up losing. I always envy everyone laughing and dancing and sweating (even those who can't dance and are out there) for whatever reason I tighten up and focus on who may be watching me. The fact is dancing isn't the only moment I may have lost. There have been times when I'm on the train reading a great book and I've just read a passage that makes me want to laugh out loud and I end up giggling to myself not wanting to disturb anyone or look silly. But I've missed out. I LOVE to laugh and a really good laugh usually cleanses the soul and makes that moment in time that much more special. My point is to honestly stop and smell the flowers. Really. I mean when is the last time you bent over and sniffed some flowers and inhaled the fragrant sometimes bitter tingly smell? |
| Whew! I just got back from the gym like 20 minutes ago and it really feels good to work off stress and burn some calories. I started going regularly about 9 months ago with a friend (which I strongly suggest is the best way to start) and I go at least 3 times a week (I try for at least 4) and I love it! I used to play 3 sports in highschool and I played tennis briefly in college but getting back into serious exercise really does a lot for my ego. I feel so accomplished coming out of the gym with my gym bag slung over my shoulder, water bottle in hand and earphones hanging out of my ears. Its like being a part of an elite group that most people can join but end up quitting...  seriously!For Memorial Weekend we're going to Virginia Beach with another couple we hang out with often and I literally can NOT wait! I miss the beach so much (being from Cali) and I can't wait to get in the water and run in the sand. I do not just lay on a towel and sun plus that's not so healthy anyway. I bought some new stuff and my swimsuit should arrive Wednesday so cross your fingers that it'll look hot on me and its the right size so I won't have to return or exchange it. I have faith it will I have a good eye for my size. Ahhhh, I love the Spring and Summer. Soon we'll be buying new bikes and you won't find me anywhere near my apartment because I plan to ride all over this city! On another note I really need to figure out what I'm going to cook for dinner...its my week to cook and though I'm happy I don't have to wash dishes this week I'm not feeling very creative at the moment. |
| I can't wait to get to work on Wednesday. Well sort of. I've been so LAZY! its absolutely ridiculous. I only exercised like twice last week and I feel out of shape. I'm going to the gym in about 30 minutes. I need to, plus it will boost my energy. I feel as if I have no friends. A couple of Dave's friends from college came up this weekend and stayed with us and they all hung out this weekend -but me I just sat at home reading books (Normal Girl by Molly Fast-Jong is absolutely terrible and Truth and Consequences by Alsion Lurie was o.k.) and watching television. I didn't even talk to anyone on the phone. Its not like I don't have friends (at least in theory) because I do. I have friends back home in Cali and a few here in Philly but the thing is I don't really have a good grilfriend who I can call and talk to about anything and nothing and hang out with like I did in college. That friend and I called it quits for reasons I still don't know. I don't really feel depressed about it and I'm not desperate for friends but I feel like something is missing in my life and that might be it. I mean Dave and I are so close and he's obviously my bestfriend because I tell him everything but its not the same and plus I need another outlet other than Dave. I tried with Dave's sisters and it was just pointless. Although one is older than me she is seriously not at all mature (though she has a six year old son she treats like an adult) and having a conversation with her is like being in highschool. Its ridiculous. I've lots of "associates" but there's nothing like a friend who you are totally comfortable with. This entry seems pretty pathetic. Gawd! Well whatever. I'm not pathetic but maybe the situation is a little bit. My situation is impossible. |
| Change is a necessary part of life but not always easy. I interviewed for a great position within publishing (finally! -3 yrs after college) and they offered me the position which I accepted. Its a wonderful position where I will learn a lot and have the ability to grow and continue towards my goal of being an editor. I make a bit less than I was previusly making. Now I've constantly said that I would take less money for a job that I was passionate about and loved to do -and the day has come and I must eat my words. I'm not really upset over it, I just know that sacrafices will need to be made and I'm prepared to do that. Really. Well sort of...I feel like such a hypocrite! Then Dave came to me and told me that he was losing HIS job. Big shock! They LOVE Dave. He works as a therapist in the mental health industry, but being the nice guy that Dave is he tries to help someone (when he shouldn't of) and trusted the person without fully looking over everything and basically it cost him his position. The good news is that Dave is at peace with it. He's starting a really tough PHD program in 3 months and he feels that God is preparing him and it was time for him to leave that job anyway because he probably wouldn't have otherwise -since he was so comfortable. I agree. Dave is way overqualified for that position and I always told him that he needed to move on. The fact is our lives are being shaken up a bit and really its a good thing but its still hard. I believe in God and I feel like I need to trust in him and stop trying to do everything on my own. This is also a way for Dave and I to grow closer and more united. My grandmother in Alabama was looking at my ring finger asking me about a date. We won't go THERE just yet but its on the horizon. Ahhh. Sigh. My college roommate sent me a text telling me how hard being an adult really is. I wrote back, the joke was on us.  ... |
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