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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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301
301
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I am really amazed by how well these two characters come through. The narrative really portrays Carly well. I felt like I was inside his head, experiencing his emotions, desires, and fears. He is quite amazed at the love he has found, and it comes through strongly. His thoughts were clear and reflected the emotions well to give him a well rounded personality. Well done. Joey is a bit more of a mystery. I think because we see this through Carly's eyes, it is natural for the reader to think of Joey in the same way Carly does. He is suprised by his feelings for Carly, I think, as though he never expected to feel soft emotions. A great mixture for the development of a rounded relationship.

Together they are so sweet. It's as though each touch, shared look, and smile is an important, emotional event. It makes for an inspiring and satisfying read. I felt very relaxed and blissful at the ending, like all was well with the world.

The meaning of their time together is the imporant thing through this. The events, when looked at seperately, are ordinary, but when combined with the life of the characters, it makes for a constant pace of emotional development and stimulation.

The voice used in this was consistant and natural and worked with the content really well. The dialogue between the characters was smooth and realistic, as well as heart-felt. I could hear their individual voices plainly and I think that is a great demonstration of believable characters. The structure of the story was also very good. I found it to be a smooth progression from the exposition to active narrative, and a nice build up for the climax.

The physical parts of this story were done very tastefully. The couple was romantic and sensual together and the descriptions were vivid enough for understanding without going into too much detail. A very loving, tender encounter. *Thumbsup*


Suggestions

*Bullet* “Nah, this ridge hasn’t been cleared but for around forty years or so,”...
The word 'but' in this sentence doesn't fit.

Otherwise, I found no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. *Smile*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very well written, emotionally inspiring story of love. I love how well I got to know the characters and their feelings for each other. I thoroughly enjoyed the read. *Smile*


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302
302
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Maryann !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a really cute children's story. I would guess the reading age range for this would start at about 8, which was perfect for me since I have a nine year old daughter who loves to read. *Smile* So, as you can probably guess, I asked her to read it and give me her opinion. She really enjoyed it. There were a few areas where she needed help with words, but I suspect that was more because she enjoys it when I read to her.*Wink*

The part she liked the best was the dialogue. She said it seemed real, like it really could have happened - her words exactly.

I enjoyed this read, as well. I thought the story flowed smoothly. The exposition was limited, which allowed for more interest in the present situation. What there was for exposition was well placed so that it didn't interrupt the flow of the active narrative. A very nice balance.

I have to agree that the dialogue flowed well and was realistic in tone for the ages of the characters. The girls spoke with the same sentence structure and expressions as a child would, and came off as cool and smart at the same time. What kid wouldn't love that? *Smile* The tone changed for when the adults spoke making it apparent when there was a change in speaker.

The descriptions were really good. They were simple enough to be understood by kids, and yet detailed enough to give me a good image in my head as the scene progressed. I especially enjoyed Mr. Marino, he was a lot of fun.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Hello Mandy!”
I believe there should be a comma before 'Mandy' because it is a direct address. There are a couple of places like this, just in case you agree.

*Bullet* Gina said as while squeezing both of my shoulders.
The word 'as' is an extra in this sentence.

*Bullet*“Let’s make sure that we ask lots of questions today.” “…And we can start with Carol and her mother,”
I wasn't sure here if this was two seperate speakers or only one.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was an enjoyable children's story about learning to be a detective. The story line flowed well and had a great ending. Very well written to be suitable for children and adults alike. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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303
303
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah! As someone who loves storms and all their ethereal beauty, this piece was an absolute pleasure to read! The emotions captured in this were astounding in their realism, as well as contagious.

There was a real cacophony of sensations in this piece. I felt the love, or perhaps the blossoming of love, between Carly and Joey clearly. Carly's enthusiasm to experience the storm as closely as possible was intense. It came through as an empowering thing for him, something that let him feel alive and free. I could sense Joey's trepidation at being so close to something that dangerous, but could also see how it was over-ridden by his reaction to Carly's joy. It was a great showing of Joey's feelings for Carly, that he followed him almost without thought, as though on instinct.

There was also an undercurrent of suspense throughout the story, a thought in the back of my head that what they were doing was dangerous and wondering how it would turn out. This allowed the ending resolution to leave me content and satisfied.

The structure was really good. The story flowed smoothly from beginning to end. The exposition was minimal and was woven into the story in such a way that I didn't notice any pause in the flow of the action. The information was well spaced and melded well within the active narrative.

I could feel the personalities of these characters began to develop very nicely. Their reactions to each other spoke volumes about the type of people they were. Their reactions would have been heightened by the intensity of the storm and the emotional response Carly had to it, but truthful and realistic nonetheless.

Their dialogue was flowed naturally and I found Joey's internal thoughts and reactions were realistic and sometimes quite amusing. This allowed the intensity a chance to fade off a bit before the main climax on the roof. A nice touch.

Suggestions

I found no errors. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a really great read. It was extremely well written, intense, emotional, suspenseful, and a whole lot of fun.

Happy Writing!

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304
304
Review of The Mistake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sanguinary Smiles ! I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this story, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

For such a short piece, you really managed to capture my attention. The imagery in this was really good. I could easily sense these beings were made up of elements, far removed from what we, as mortals, can see or sense. The reference to 'He' shows that they are not the highest power, and that they are still learning. Very nice.

The opening paragraph set a mystical, as well as spiritual, tone to this piece. The structure of the sentences flowed very nicely, carrying me through the piece with ease. This turned out to be the kind of read where I forgot that I was reading, and was instead 'seeing'.

The differences of personality between the three beings was very smooth with the use of active narrative and dialogue. I enjoyed the change of speech patterns, they suited the impression that the content of the dialogue gave. I commend you for being able to give ethereal beings realistic mannerisms and explaining it in a way that was understandable and believable. Very well done.

I found the ending was done very nicely. The commands Orin gave to his people, though seemingly harmless, turned out to be exactly what destroyed them. And to think, the commands were eerily similar to what our world seems to be doing even now. A thought provoking piece, for sure.

Suggestions

*Bullet*They three exist perched on the horizon of endless obsidian, overlooking the vast universe that is their empire.
This sentence confused me. There are a few ways I could take this sentence. I think adding a comma after 'exist' would clarify what you are trying to get across.

*Bullet* Tanis, her face disturbed, asks “Orin, what...
Just missing a comma after 'asks'.

*Bullet*There seems to be a slight discrepancy in tense. Most of the time it is in third person present tense, where the reader experiences the situation as it happens, and then a few spots go to past tense. I suggest to read through, looking specifically for such instances. I am not really great with tense myself, otherwise I would be more specific.

*Star*Overall*Star*

This piece was a well written, spiritual journey. The imagery and use of fantasy allowed this to be an objective experience, and the message contained within was very thought provoking, especially considering the world we live in where most people seem intent on only themselves rather than anything resembling a greater good. It showed just how devastating a simple command such as, 'Go Forth and Multiply' could really be.

Happy Writing!

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305
305
Review of Be Good Anyway  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, ohhiluhriexx! I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" , thank you for posting! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this essay, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The structure of this essay was consistent and easy to follow. The sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation were all very good. I didn't notice any inconsistencies.

The quote at the top was a nice touch, it allowed me to get an idea of what kind of piece this would be before I began reading. Of course, the title also helped with that; it fit the content well. The introductory paragraph was straight forward and to the point. The last sentence involved the reader on a personal level by asking a direct question. Very nice.

It was apparent that the content was well thought out before you began writing. The structure was very nice. It moved along in a constant manner without doubling back to go over the same content twice. You provided from everyday life to make your point about how doing good things for other people can come back around, the same way as negativity breeds more negativity. I whole heartedly agree with you on that.

I like how you incorporated your motivation for this piece. Speaking of your pregnancy and the wish you have to teach your son well is something that the majority of readers will be able to relate to on a personal level. I think this will work as a thought provoking section for many, I know it was for me. Because I could relate to wanting my children to be good people, it made me think about what I do on a daily basis to ensure it. Children learn by example, and we, as adults, need to set that example. Very good point there, and definitely something to keep in mind all the time.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I found this to be a nicely written, thought provoking essay. It was well rounded with personal insight, opinion, and examples of everyday life that supported those positions. I hope that many will read this and think about it seriously, perhaps even cause a few to see areas for improvement within themselves. I know I sure have. All in all, a very enjoyable read.

Happy Writing!


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306
306
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, H Holt !

You were kind enough to stop by my port with a review, so I thought I would return the favor. *Wink*

I am more thant happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


I was really impressed by this first chapter. I have to admit, if this was a book in my hand I would have definitely turned the page and continued reading.

The narrative tone used in this was very effective. It was clear and crisp, allowing me to read through with ease. The sentence structure was well defined, and appropriate for the era that this is based. I was really suprised that the narrative followed the proper speech patterns, in addition to the dialogue. It is obvious to see that you place yourself within the situation while writing.

The character development was very well done, especially considering the length of this chapter. Brief flashes of memory allowed some insight into Catherine, showing the reader that there is a reason she holds herself back from those around her. There were a few hints regarding her past to intrigue the reader and pull them on through the story, and I found them very effective. Even now I can't help but wonder what happened three years ago that caused her family to hate her, at least in her own mind.

The structure of the piece as a whole was very good. The scene flowed nicely with the use of active narrative, well described memories, and detailed exposition. I liked how you spaced the exposition throughout, a bit here and there through the actions. Doing it this way causes the reader to miss the fact that they are learning specific things and simply enjoy the read.

The descriptions of the area and people were vivid. I found myself with a clear image in my mind as the scene progressed. Their dialogue was realistic, their actions smooth and appropriate. Great work. I enjoyed the hint of romance between Henry and Catherine. It seemed to me that he cared for her, whether she could see it or not. I look forward to seeing it play out between them. It's interesting because at this point it could still go a million different ways.

The mention of her mother at the end of the chapter added another element of the unknown to the equation. Nicely done. Also, I wanted to comment on the point of view. You used a first person perspective for this and I found that is stayed consistent through the piece, which is not always an easy thing to do. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet* I was utterly happy that Henry wouldn’t be there to watch me, which was which was how...
The words 'which was' is repeated in this sentence.

*Bullet*Georgiana, my younger sister, accompanied before she officially embraced...
I think you are missing a word here to show who she accompanied.

*Star*Overall*Star*

You have laid a solid foundation for this story to progress. I look forward to reading more.

Happy Writing!


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307
307
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The first paragraph was nicely worded to intrigue the reader by providing a teaser of what would be revealed through the piece. It definitely made me want to keep reading to find out.

I very much enjoyed the narrative tone in this piece. It was soft and reflective, and it made me feel like I was hearing the story over a hot cup of tea. I could almost hear your voice as I read. The sentence structure followed the tone very well and I found that I could sense the emotions behind the words easily. It was apparent how hard it was to leave while your son was still in the hospital, and I really felt for you as it caused a hardship in your relationship with him.

The structure was very nice. It flowed from beginning to end in sequence with some time spent on the emotional aspects of the trip to Alaska, which allowed me to see the situation and events from your perspective and feel the emotional impact they had. The introduction was intriguing, the body spent time to experience the journey, and the ending paragraph summed it all up nicely, creating a sense of contented completion.

The year was definitely eventful for you. There were some negative experiences, as well as positive and they were all presented very well.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Smile*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this essay about your life in the year 2000. It was nicely structured, emotionally involving, and let me see life from your perspective. A very effective piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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308
308
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I had a lot of fun reading through this article. I've never been anywhere outside of the US and Canada, and I thoroughly enjoyed visiting Australia through your pictures, links and experiences. There was a lot of detail in the descriptions of places and things to see, and if I was planning to visit there this piece would come in handy for picking where to go first.

The way you structured this piece allowed for a very smooth and enjoyable read. The sentence structure was clear, consistent and easy to follow.

I really liked how this was informative and personal at the same time. I got to experience the fun you had with your family, as well as see things I probably wouldn't have seen otherwise. I absolutely love the idea of riding the train so much. Where I live there are no passenger trains left, unless of course you count the c-train, which I don't.

I was having so much fun while reading this that I shared the experience with my two oldest children and I found the links extremely useful for them to see and experience new things. We all had a lot of fun!

I noticed one typo as I was reading, it is as follows.

*Bullet*It's accross on the other side by the Harborside shops.
Just an extra letter 'c' in the word 'across'.

Thank you so much for sharing this experience with all of us. I got to have a fun adventure without even leaving my living room! *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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309
309
Review of Fishing With Dad  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, bkcompton!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very enjoyable story. The narrative tone used in this set the mood very nicely. It was soft and gentle for the most part, only changing slightly when Jimmy caused a sense of aggravation by whining, and reflected Sam's point of view well. It was consistent with a younger boy's personality and reasoning process and provided a very realistic view of the activities and situations.

The sentence structure complimented the tone very well. The use of some shorter sentences intersperced through the longer, flowing sentences allowed for variety, keeping the interest of the reader. I also found the sentence structure was in keeping with the age of the main character and allowed me to see the sequence of events from his perspective.

I found the narrative to be quite active in this piece. The exposition was woven through the journey to their reclusive spot in a way that felt natural and consistent. The detailing was nicely done with the use of sight, smell and sound. It showed me the area, rather than telling me only what it looked like and allowed me to 'feel' what the characters felt. Very nice.

There wasn't a whole lot of dialogue in this piece, and it worked out well. I think that adding any more speaking would have taken away from the sensory experience. The dialogue that was used was well placed and realistic for the story.

The title of this piece fits the content well.

The story flowed well from beginning to end in a continual progression. It was realistic and believable. The ending paragraph wrapped up the piece well and showed just how much Sam loved what he was doing.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Gray clouds had snuck up, unfurling its intimidation.
I think the word 'its' should be 'their' because the first part of the sentence indicates the clouds are plural, rather than singular.

I didn't find any errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was very nicely written. It captured my interest and held it through the entirety, allowing me to experience the situation through vivid sensory descriptions and believable characters. An enjoyable read, for sure.

Happy Writing!

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310
310
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, The Vigilante Angel !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have visited the Vigilante Angel Ranger forum on several occasions to thank the Angel Rangers for reviews, review credits, etc. but have never stopped in to see where it all began. After reading through this, I will definitely have to check out the blog to see more. *Smile*

I loved reading the mission statement on this page, it was informative, humorous, and written with flair. You guys do a lot of good deeds within WDC's halls and I find that especially exceptional given the fact that the team is relatively small with only six members.

This page was set up very effectively to give access to all of the pages which are available for members to learn more about the Rangers and what they do, as well as to offer a chance for members to interact with and thank the rangers when they wish to do so. *Thumbsup*

Tons of kudos for all you and the Ranger team do! *Bigsmile*


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311
311
Review of MIDNIGHT DREAMS  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


My Reactions/Comments

What a beautiful piece! This was an emotional, vivid declaration of everlasting love. The flow was very nice, it was continual in the sense that all the lines, as well as the stanzas, flowed together seemlessly. While I was reading out loud it flowed off my tongue easily and I didn't find any areas where I stumbled.

There didn't seem to be a distinguishable pattern for rhythm, but I sure didn't notice any lack because of it. The word choices were smooth and melded well into the sentence structure. The tone of this was soft and loving, as though the narrator was reciting the words while looking into the eyes of the one she loves so completely. It had a very romatic feel to it. *Smile*

I really enjoyed the proper use of punctuation in this to emphasize the flow and sentence structure. It allowed for a very steady, understandable, and easy to follow cadence. Nicely done.

The first stanza was a very strong introduction for the content of this piece. It shows the reader just how consuming the love is that it was consuming even when the mind was not in complete control, while the subconscious reigns in the world of dreams. A very powerful and intense beginning to pull the reader in with. My favorite part was the last stanza. It summed up the meaning of the piece very well and left me with a sense of completion; the love goes full circle.

Suggestions

None. I found no errors in punctuation, spelling, grammar, or form. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A gentle, emotional declaration of true, everlasting love. Very romantic and fulfilling. *Smile*

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312
312
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, D_Joy ! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

My Reactions/Comments

My first reaction after I finished reading this was simply, wow! The tone you achieved with this was amazing. I was hooked instantly on the dark current of emotion I could sense as I read. It was enticing and compelling, very well done!!

Also, I can't help but love the characters that this was based on. I love greek mythology, but that doesn't necessarily mean I know a whole lot about it. As far as I can remember, Prometheus stole fire from Zeus to give back to the mortals, and Pandora was created by Emetheus at the order of Zeus as a sort of punishment... I would have to look it up to be sure, but based on what I can remember, the characters you have chosen really work well within the content of this piece as their union, I think, would have been forbidden.

Personally, I saw this coming from Pandora's perspective. She was often shown to be almost sly of nature, some myths even going so far as to say she was the epitome of female evil, or negativity. It felt as though she was enticing Prometheus with the use of the fire, daring him to want more. I could be way off base on this, but that's the great part about poetry, it can mean something different to different people. *Wink*

Technical Stuff

The flow of this piece was really good. The lines flowed into each other easily, and the content built at a steady rate. It wasn't just a repetition of the same idea, over and over, but a fresh take on it each time. The imagery was spectacular, I can't say enough about the choice of wording. The following line really stood out for me:

Can the eternal fire in your eyes
Change the season of a winter heart?

This took it from dark to darkly emotional. Very nice transition.

The structure of this sonnet was right on. As far as I can tell you used the a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, e-f-e-f, g-g, scheme. The rhymes work well with each other, and I really enjoyed your word choices. I can see that a lot of thought went into their choices because they are not what would have been the easiest, but they were definitely well chosen to fit the content while allowing the tone and the mood to build up. So nice.

I also think the use of questions within this was very original. I couldn't tell you the last time I read a sonnet with a question. Usually, they are just an outright profession of love. Just one more thing for me to love about this one. I think perhaps it was the questioning that caused me to feel she was enticing him.

The repetition of the last line of the first stanza at the end of the piece was a nice touch. It left me with a powerful, dark sensation, a great note to end such an original piece. *Smile*

Suggestions

Nope, I have no suggestions. I didn't notice any errors, and I know for a fact that I couldn't improve on this piece even if I tried to. *Wink*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I found this piece to be an amazing read. It was dark, emotional, and compelling. I loved the couple you used for this piece, and the way you tied them into it without ever using their names or referencing one another. Definitely a piece I would recommend. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!

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313
313
Review of A Sunday Ride  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile*Hiya, Ajourni ! I noticed you have celebrated your anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

My Reactions/Comments

I enjoyed this story. The humor added to it really worked well to lighten the mood as this progressed. The build up of tension was really nicely done. It built up slowly, little by little as she battled herself. I found I could feel her emotions easily as she counted to herself, trying to overcome her fear. The sentence structure really added to the intensity with the use of shorter sentences and hurried thoughts. Well done.

The opening sentence grabbed my attention, and the following paragraph secured it. It was ambiguous regarding 'what' exactly was happening and I found myself eager to figure it out. Especially with the line, 'No wonder they're staring, I mentally screeched at myself, You're crazy!'. It made me wonder just how crazy, which propelled me into the story to find out. Good work.

The tone was strong throughout and added well to the mood. I felt compassion for her, and found myself laughing more out of being able to relate to her than anything else. When the words came to her as though garbled, I couldn't help myself. That has happened to me before, and I think the ability to relate really added to the humor for me.

I like how this ended, with her refusal to give up. It finished the piece off with an inspirational air and conveyed an important message. Considering the length of this piece, I think you did a great job on her character development. Though there was no back ground exposition, I don't feel there needed to be. It was enough to know she was deathly afraid and still detemined to see it through.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*my stomach clenching and a cold sweating breaking forth on my skin.
The use of two 'ing' words together like this disrupted the flow of the sentence. Consider using 'sweat' rahter than 'sweating'.

*Bullet*It suddenly occurred to me that when people experienced extreme fear they sometimes lost control of their bladders.
I think this could be stated in present tense. For example, It suddenly occured to me that when people experience extreme fear, they sometimes lose control of bladder function.

Overall

I found this to be a well rounded piece with the use of emotional content, intense descriptions that allowed me to 'feel' what the character was feeling, and just enough humour. Well done. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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314
314
Review of My Guardian Angel  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

My Reactions/Comments

This was a very interesting piece. The story line for this was very intriguing, even more so because it was original. I think this piece could be an amazing read if it was lengthened, allowing for the reader to get to know the characters better, as well as hear more of the back story. It just felt a little rushed to me, but the plot line was very good.

I have to commend your use of the first person narrative. It flowed well and I didn't notice any major discrepancies in tense. In my opinion, first person is one of the hardest perspectives to write from, but you seem to have a good handle on it.

The emotional connection between the guardian and Eugene is a definite asset to this piece, and I think would capture the reader very effectively if given the chance to experience the feelings from the characters perspective. Consider adding a scene or two of their interaction with each other to demonstrate the strength of the connection.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...to give an assignment today, and I chad completely forgotten.
Just a typo on 'had'.

*Bullet*...as I realized how lucky I was to the college seating system, to pair up smart students with non-smart ones
This doesn't quite make sense when you say, 'how lucky I was to the college seating system'. This sounds as though you are the luck charm for a seating system. I have two different suggestions, they are as follows.

...as I realized how lucky I was that the college seating system paired up smart students with not-so-smart ones.I noticed also that 'non-smart' sounded off.
OR
...as I realized how thankful I was to the college seating system...

*Bullet*Her blue eyes sent shivers down my heart as she said, "Don't worry, Eugene. I have done your homework for you and that too," she said, pulling out papers, "in your handwriting.
I have a couple of suggestions for this section. First, try something other than 'shvers down my heart'. I think it would be hard to have a heart siver. Try instead a shiver down the spine, or a quickened beating of the heart to show his reaction. Also, the section 'and that too' is unnecessary and disrupts the realism of the dialogue. Try reading it out loud to see if it sounds realistic to you. My suggestion is to cut 'that too' as it wouldn't affect the meaning of the sentence and would increase flow.

*Bullet*"I could have fun with Chris last night but no,...
Just need the word 'had' after 'have' to show it is astatement regarding the past.

*Bullet*The dialogue should be seperated into seperate paragraphs for each new speaker so that it is easier for the reader to follow.

Overall

This piece has a strong plot line and very good potential for the reader to become emotionally involved. I would love to see this piece fleshed out a bit, using some active scenes to 'show' the relationship between Eugene and the guardian. Please let me know if you decide to edit, as I would be more than happy to read and review this piece again. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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315
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Review of Forgive me God!  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya! This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The first paragraph definitely grabbed my full attention. The description of Martha's state was vivid and I instantly needed to know what had happened to her. I felt compassion for her right away, which I think was a good thing, especially considering that my usual first reaction is anger and resentment towards this subject.

The subject address with this piece is a hard one for many people. I have my own views on the subject, and I think you approached this in a way that didn't offer opinion, or even allow it to play in the readers mind. I think this was really great because it allowed me to become involved and feel what she was feeling. To see it from her perspective, and to know that her repentance was true.

The structure of this was very effective. Reliving the event in hindsight really added to the emotional aspect of this. It showed the feelings of regret and grief afterwards, as well as providing me with a look at how she felt when it happened. The realization was nearly instantaneous for Martha, and it hit her hard.

Her repentance at the end was realistic and believable, and I found myself drawn in by the use of descriptive narrative. I liked how there was very little exposition in this, and the past information was given in an active and compelling way. I really think doing it like that enhanced the realism. It put it all front and center for the reader to experience.

The spiritual message in this is an important one. It made me think about how important it is to really think about your decisions, especially when it affects more than just yourself, as well as how unimportant material things and selfish desires can lead one to act rashly. However, it also drove home how great God is that he would forgive the injustice.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...before giving in to blessed asleep.
I think 'asleep' should be 'sleep'.

*Bullet*Looking up, at the stars,...
I think this sentence would flow a bit smoother without the comma after 'up'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was an enjoyable read. The subject may not have been a happy one, but the message was definitely an important one.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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316
316
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Challenge Level "Green" Prompt
Genre Prompts
"Nature & Fantasy"


Hiya! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules for a challenge level story entry, it must be under 10 kb. This piece follows that requirement nicely, coming in at 6.6 kb. *Thumbsup*
The prompt requires for the story to be based on the genre's of nature and fanstasy, this also has been followed well. *Thumbsup*

My Reactions/Comments

I really enjoyed this story. The genres of nature and fantasy were entwined in a very natural way, and I found the creatures and beings that were used to be entertaining and realistic in the way they acted and conversed.

This version of how WDC came to be was very creative. I enjoyed Grandfather Oak immensely, and I loved how you played the following sentence:

Grandfather Oak boughed down before the StoryMaster...

It was an ingeneous way to state his action of bowing, while maintaining that he was indeed a tree. Very nice!

The narrative tone of this piece was consistent throughout and flowed very well, creating a soft ambiance around how I saw the gathering. The way you wrote about the Insidious Brown was active and gave the sense of a being without form. Very nice.

The dialogue flowed naturally between the creatures, and the tones changed nicely to reflect the differences between them. The story line flowed nicely from start to finish and the ending wrapped it all up well, and left me feeling content.

Suggestions

I noticed a few minor typos, they are as follows.

*Bullet*...asked the Alpha wolf
Just missing the period on the end of this sentence.

*Bullet* How am I supposed for let virgin princesses find...
The grammar is slightly off in this sentence. I'm thinking you meant for the word 'for' to be 'to'.

*Bullet*A salmon poked his head up from the nearby stream remarked mournfully,...
THis sentence is just slightly off, consider using 'poking' rather than 'poked' or perhaps, just add an 'and' after 'stream'.

*Bullet* My thought is that there is only one who stop this before it is too late.
I think you are missing a word between 'who' and 'stop'. Possibly 'can' or 'could'.

Overall

A very creative, enjoyable spin on how WDC was first created. Very well written with believable characters and a satisfactory ending. Well done! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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317
317
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Bikerider !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was soft and emotional, as well as explanatory, and revealed much about Tim's character, the situations he lived through, his love for Red, and his desire to serve his country. It allowed for a well rounded view of his personality, which I think is very important in a piece such as this when the reader's reaction depends on the believability of the character and how they deal with the obstacles they must face. I found Tim to be ery realistic and easy to relate to.

The structure of this story flowed well from beginning to end. It began with a section of objective narrative which introduced the reader to the mood of the story. Very nice. I liked this because it allowed me to become involved in the idea of people sacrificing themselves for the greater good, and allowed a chance to emphisize that the ones who did this were common people, just like you and me. This allows a deeper emotional connection for the reader, as well. This moved at a constant pace in a natural progression of events, varying from emotional to active, and demonstrating the relationship between the two men very nicely.

The use of dialogue in each section was a great addition to the story and produced a 'showing' of the events and definitely enhanced the involvement of the reader. Very nice. It flowed smoothly and realistically, and allowed for me to feel like the characters were 'real'.

The ending part was what really got to me. I was able to stay somewhat objective before Tim told his family about Red, but his mother's reaction to his story touched my heart. I could feel how much she loved the man she had never met, and how important it was to her that he be seen as her son. I felt elated when he yelled across the mountains, as though by doing that he could begin to come to terms with the loss he endured, as well as the pain he would suffer from the acts he had committed while at war. My grandpa often tells me one of the hardest things to accept was what he found himself to be capable of.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Don’t worry, Red. They’ll fix you up good as new, you’ll see.” Red raised his hand and gave something to Tim. “Here, take these,” he said. Tim looked at the blood smeared pictures of Isabelle and Tom. “What are you doing, Red?” Tim asked.
I included this whole section just to show you that there needs to be seperation between the character's dialogue. The rest of the piece uses new lines for each speaker, so I'm thinking it was unintentional.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional, compelling, and meaningful read. It explored the human side of war and the effects that it had on one average family, and in so doing, caused me to stop and reflect on how many countless others sacrificed themselves for the sake of the whole. Truly remarkable.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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318
318
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Challenge Level "Orange" Prompt
Genre Prompts
"Children's & Fantasy"


This was a cute story. The narrative tone was active throughout, and varied slightly between the scenes to show the changes in mood. The sentence structure was consistent and the word choices were great for a children's story. My daughter is nine and this would be within her reading level, as well as being complicated enough in flot to appeal to her, without being too much. Very nice balance.

The fantasy elements were woven through the piece seemlessly and suited the plot line well. This was an interesting spin on the well known fear children have of monsters hiding in their rooms, as well as including the necessary myth of creation for WDC.

I really liked how the 'closet monster' was called a Muse. It gives the children who would read it a wonderful image of a muse, as well as maintaining the plot line. *Smile*

The structure of the piece was done well. It flowed from beginning to end at a constant rate. I feel the exposition was well balanced with action and active dialogue, which kept the story moving to hold the interest of the reader. Well done.

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules, a short story in the challenge level must be less than 10 KB. This was followed very well. *Thumbsup*

The genre's of fantasy and children's were well representend in this piece and the story of how writing.com came to be was included realistically.*Thumbsup*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...she walked past the bed to the window and looked out predawn darkness.
I think the words 'at the' should be inserted before 'predawn darkness' to enhance the flow.

*Bullet*...she sit down on the edge of the bed.
The word 'sit' should be 'sat' to preserve the tense.

*Bullet*... is either one of you’re Aunt Rena’s friends...
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*Ariel poured herself a cup of coffee and sit down at the dining...
The word 'sit' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“I’m presuming that you’re right about some muse know more about computers then you.”
I stumbled over this sentence. I think a slight rewording would help the flow. For example,

"I'm presuming you're right and that the others know more about computers than you."

*Bullet*...now if anyone needs more details then I’ve included,...
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

Overall

This was a cute children's story and an interesting, fun version of the creation of writing.com. An enjoyable read, for sure! Good luck with the contest! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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319
319
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Average Level "Blue" Prompt
Picture Prompt
"In Too Deep"


Hiya, Rev1780 ! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please remember that my comments are my opinion and that you have every right to disagree! *Smile*

This piece has a really good, detailed story line which has great potential to be a compelling, suspenseful, and satisfying read. The descriptions of the area were detailed and gave me a good idea of what the theatre looked like, as well as the sort of state it was in when he bought it. Good work!

There is a great tendency to 'tell' rather than 'show' in this piece. The story is explained through only narrative and is told from the first person perspective. It states the sequence of events in great detail, but I think it would be beneficial if you used some active elements such as dialogue, specific situations, and sensory descriptions. These things allow the reader to 'experience' the piece in a more personal, emotional state, which can often enhance the readers enjoyment. It also gives you an ability to show the character's personality through examples of action and speech.

I think perhaps using a short flashback would be quite affective.

The title fits the piece well.

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules for average level story entries, there is a word limit of 1,010 words. You have follwed this exactly. *Thumbsup*

I could easily see how the image was used to create this story.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but was saved in the 2000 and turned into a cinema.
Consider removing the word 'the' before '2000'. I do not think it is necessary.

*Bullet*The realtor lead me to the last room the office it was located next to the main doors of the theater.
I stumbled over this sentence. The meaning is not clear to me, it seems as there are too many words. Consider revising or rewording.

*Bullet*Once again I found nothing the door was bolted shut.
Need a semicolon after 'nothing'.

*Bullet* The clock just struck midnight when the search came to an end so I packed up my belonging and went home for the night.
Need a comma after 'end' and the word 'belonging' should be 'belongings'.

*Bullet*He discovered that there were not many violations mostly the problems were outdated equipment.
The flow on this sentence is off. Consider rewording slightly and adding a comma. For example, He discovered there were not many violations, most of the problems were due to outdated equipment.

*Bullet* The singing once again was coming from the stage.
Conisder changing 'was coming' to 'came' to improve the flow.

*Bullet*I opened the door and saw this woman standing on stage in a blue dress singing.
Need a comma after 'dress'. Without it this says that the blue dress was singing, rather than the woman.

*Bullet*Where did the lady go ran through my head for the rest of the night.
This sentence needs some punctuation to cause the necessary pauses that the reader requires in order to understand the meaning. For example,'Where did the lady go? The thought ran through my mind most of the evening'.

There are several areas in this piece, such as the one above, that would benefit from the use of punctuation in order to clarify the meaning, as well as to provide a smoother read. Try reading it out loud only pausing your speech when there is punctuation, such as a comma or period. This will show you the areas that the flow is off and can be repaired with punctuation.*Smile*

Overall

This piece has a lot of potential. The story line was well thought out and constructed, and I think with the use of some active scenes, it would be a compelling read. *Bigsmile*

Good luck with the contest! Happy Writing!

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320
320
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, julielubrani!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This poem tells a wonderful story. The narative tone was reflective and emotional, but I didn't get the sense of sadness and regret as I expected. I felt instead a rising of courage and pride as the story infolded, which showed me how the present had already started to change and gave me great hope for the future.

The structure of the poem was consistent and flowed well. There was a constant building as the narrator went from reflection of the past, to realization of what the future can hold when one can let go of the injustice that was faced previously. This piece shows how someone can be their own person, regardless of what is expected from friends and that even though it may be hard, it is worth it in the end.

The last two stanza's wrapped the piece up well and allowed me to see that facing the past was a necessary thing to do in order to continue to grow. Very well done.

The words chosen for the rhyming structure were nicely chosen and reflected the content very well. The flow was really good, especially when I read out loud. There was a constant cadence which I found very appealing to listen to.

Suggestions

*Bullet*For the majority of this poem it was consistently in past tense when referring to the past events. However, I noticed one stanza that used both present and future. It is as follows,

Their love for me was conditional
As long as I did what they say
They never understood that I am different
I had to do things my own way

Now, this was the only area that staggered in flow for me, so my suggestion is to smooth it out by fixing the tense. For example, 'As long as I did what they say' is out of tense because of the word 'say'. I see that it is required for the rhyme so my suggestion in to change 'they' to 'they'd', 'As long as I did what they'd say'. I think this preserves the tense. Also, 'I am different' is present tense. I'm not sure about changing it, though, because it is an overall statement - past, present and future.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional, inspirational poem. I enjoyed it immensely. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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321
321
Review of Heaven Sent  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, piewhackett1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is a very sweet poem. I really liked the message of an angel sent from God. In truth, this is how God intends all couples to feel about their better half, but so few truly take the time to appreciate the small things and think of what life could have been like without their special someone. Very nice. *Smile*

The flow was good as I read out loud, though I did find a couple spots where I stumbled, which I have included below for your consideration. On the whole, however, I found there to be a soft cadence to this as I read. The rhyming sequences I found to be consistent and the word choices seemed to flow within the context nicely.

The tone of the narrative was loving and patient with a dash of awe thrown in and was definitely in keeping with the content. I could feel a sense that the narrator was at a loss for words to describe how he felt and I found it very sweet. I say narrator because I find it nearly impossible to tell when a poem is fiction or inspired by personal feelings. *Wink*

I noticed that there is a period at the end of each line. I am not sure if this is personal preference or open to debate, but consider using some comma's to show when two lines could be connected as one sentence. For example, the third and fourth lines of the first stanza. Try putting a comma after line three, and placing the question mark at the end of line four. Line three didn't seem to be the entire question, but rather a piece of one.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Without you guiding angel life was a loss.
Consider adding the word 'my' before 'life'. I think it would lend a smoother flow.

*Bullet*You've guided me angel from the first day.
I think this one is a matter of opinion because I can't decide why I think this, but consider placing the word 'very' before 'first day'. Like I said, the flow seems smooth on this one as is, but I think it would roll off the tongue nicely this way, as well. Something to think about, at any rate. *Wink*

*Bullet*True blessings from heaven He sent me.
Consider placing the word 'to' between 'sent' and 'me'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable poem about love and appreciating that special someone, as well as realizing that God is the creator and makes all things, including love, possible. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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322
322
Review of A Woman Scorned  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *BalloonR*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph set the scene, as well as the mood, very well and gave me a sense of foreboding with which to start the story. Well done. I had a clear visual of the area from the description and imagery used.

There were a range of emotions in this piece and I feel the narrative tone conveyed them very nicely. It was calm and regretful with an underlying sense of grief which allowed me to feel compassion for Jason. It was evident that when he committed the act it was out of love, and that it was after the fact when it became slightly selfish in nature.

I think his character was developed well, especially for the length of this story. Lily's personality was less developed but it was enough for me to get a sense of what her illness had done to her. It seemed to me that the illness changed her and the thirty years of feeling abandoned by her love had driven her spirit to the point of insanity almost. I found her character very intriguing.

The story unfolded really well. The suspense was built at a steady rate as it moved toward the climax. The moment of truth between them was intense and the dialogue flowed naturally making the situation believable. I think that is very important, especially when dealing with the supernatural as the reader tends to enter the story with the preconception that it is not real. The ability to make it seem real after that is what allows for the reader to have an emotional reaction to the piece.

I think the addition of the past situation at the end was a really nice touch. It gave me insight as to why he didn't keep his promise without affecting my view of Jason's character. Well done.

The title for this piece fits the content well.

Suggestions

I didn't find any errors in the way of punctuation, grammar or spelling. I do not have any suggestions for improvement.*Thumbsup*

Overall

A very well written, intense piece. The emotion conveyed through the narrative and internal thoughts of the characters enhanced my understanding of the situation and characters and when combined with the constant, emotional tone of the narrative and natural dialogue, it produced an engaging and enjoyable read.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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323
323
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Basic"Blue" Prompt
Title Prompt
"My Best Friends: Pen and Paper"


The narrative tone of this piece was soft with a great sense of joyful reminiscence and reflected the content very well. Combined with the flowing sentence structure it allowed me to move through the read with ease. Very well done.

The structure of the piece was consistent and moved along at a nice rate. It flowed continually onward and allowed for me to follow the content easily and without any confusion. I believe this also had quite a bit of impact on the meaning behind the words and how they affected me because I was able to concentrate on the content rather than inconsistencies within the piece. Very nice.

The use of imagery was laced throughout nicely and granted me a deeper understanding of the idea being expressed. One such area really stood out and spoke to me, it is as follows.

My friends remind me that there are those who cannot see this world; they know I love the sight of the sun, the moon, misty mountains and tranquil lakes, and the deep blue of the ocean.

It was easy to see that this prompt spoke to you and the result was a fantastic read. You captured the essence of a writers love for expressing themselves in a way that I am sure all writers will appreciate.


Prompt Relevance

Word limit for Basic Level - 1010

The word limit of this piece is well within these restrictions.*Thumbsup*

The prompt was a Title Prompt and this was followed within the piece, though the main title of the item states 'Pen and Pencil' rather than 'Pen and Paper'. I suggest that you change this before the contest closes as it may affect the judging.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was a nicely written, inspirational espression of why pen and paper are so important to a writer and shows well the connection the writing gives us to our own lives, and the world around us. I enjoyed the read very much.

Happy Writing!

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324
324
Review of Brown Eyes  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, bamed !

You were kind enough to stop by my port with a review and I wanted to return the favor. I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please remember that my comments are my own opinion and as such, you have every right to agree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph was nicely done and captured my interest easily. It starts in the midst of a conflict which is always a good, active way to intrigue the reader and pull them in for the story.

The structure of this piece was good, as well. I felt it unfolded in a timely manner without any dull areas of exposition to bore the reader. The information given regarding them was interspersed nicely thoughout the dialogue between father and future daughter.

The dialogue between the two was worded with realism and I felt that I could follow their conversation easily. The internal dialogue of the father was convincing and showed the reader well how his mind worked through his decision. I believe his reaction was believable and allowed for a dramatic ending.

I was left feeling sad for the girl and also found myself reflective, wondering what I would do if I was in the same type of situation. Good job.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...was starting to have its toll on his daughter
I think 'starting to take its toll' would create a smoother flow for this sentence.

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky.
The word 'he's' takes this put of tense when compared to the narative surrounding it. To remain in the same tense say, 'He had been stressed and cranky.'

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky. More likely to yell at her to get out of the way than to pick her up and...
The flow was staggered here for me, consider putting the two sentences together. For example,

He had been stressed and cranky lately, and more likely to yell at her to get out of the way...'

*Bullet* But he can't take today off.
This sentence ins out of tense. Consider saying 'But he couldn't take today off.'

*Bullet*I have one last suggestion. Consider limiting the amount you use the exclamation mark. It tends to become overly repetitious when used often and is most often used when it isn't necessary. Try to use it only when yelling or extremely excited. It may help the flow of the dialogue. Just something for you to consider.

*Star*Overall*Star*

I enjoyed this piece. I found it to be well written and thought provoking. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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325
325
Review of Falling Slowly  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Average "Blue" Prompt
Picture Prompt


Prompt Relevance

This was a really interesting response to the prompt! It is far different than anything I would have thought of and that is definitely a good thing! I think you represented the prompt well in this piece. *Smile* It was also well within the allowable word limit.

Strengths

The tone of the narrative in this piece was very relaxing, it gave me the sense of being hypnotized. I think this worked well given the fact she was being lulled by the embrace of the ocean. Well done.

The flow of the narrative was smooth, the sentence structure was fairly consistent, and the wording was descriptive and detailed. I was able to produce a visual of her, floating downward through the water easily. Which, combined with the sensation of an emotional void, produced a vivid experience.

The structure of the piece as a whole was good. It moved along at a good rate and I found I was kept interested throughout.

I found the ending to be realistic and left me feeling content.


Suggestions

*Bullet*She broke through the water as a graceful...
Consider adding 'the surface of' before 'the water'. I think this would make it more obvious that she was falling right away. I think it would make the opening more dramatic to entice the reader.

*Bullet*I noticed a reptetitive use of the word 'now'. Consider reducing the need for the word by using different wording every so often.

*Bullet*The only other comment I have is to look at the first word of your sentences. It is often the same word 'She' or 'The'. Consider changing it up a bit to produce more unique starters. This can hold the readers attention in a vivid way by exercising their own creativity.

Overall

I enjoyed this piece. You made very creative use of the prompt to produce a vividly detailed piece with strong narrative. Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

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