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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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226
226
Review of Absolutely  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this story! So great how Sarah Jane faced Melinda down. I just loved how Melinda was left to splutter. Precious.

The narrative tone in this was reflective of Sarah Jane's personality. It showed well how she hated confrontation, how she was a side-lines kind of person. The fact that she dug deep and faced Melinda down for Kyle was awesome. I found the narrative leading up to it was great. It allowed the change to seem realistic for her. She was nervous, but she still did it.

The beginning section in italics was a great way to introduce the conflict. It allowed the reader to see it from an inside perspective, to see how ridiculous these girl were being.

I have a couple of technical suggestions. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*The entire cafeteria fell silent, as Melinda glared down her nose at Sarah Jane,
No comma needed before 'as' because it is a subordinate conjunction.

*Bullet*Anger boiled inside Sarah Jane’s stomach, at Melinda’s last words.
I don't think this comma is needed. It seemed to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*...and laughed until they couldn’t breath.
The word 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed this piece. The narrative was active and pulled me into the story without ease. The character of Sarah Jane was realistic, and the situation played out in a believable fashion. Well done!

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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227
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was very interesting for me. I review almost exactly the same as you do, but instead of adding points for certain strengths, I deduct points when I notice something that detracts from the read. I found the explanation of how you review very easy to read and understand. Your explanations were concise and reasonable.

The tone of voice you used in this created a friendly atmosphere. I liked that you said you would be willing to re-rate according to edits. This gives the writer a chance to learn and grow. You use strict guidelines and that is good. Giving a 5 star rating should be a rare thing, and used only when a reviewer really doesn't have any suggestions. You make this clear without having to say it outright. Well done.

Reading this has shown me how useful having this type of explanation in your port can be for the writer who has been reviewed. It allows them a chance to see why they received the rating they did. I believe this would increase the effect the suggestions have on them. I may have to get my act together and provide something like this in my port as well. Thank you for sharing this!

Happy Writing and Reviewing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
228
228
Review of Bluetooth Blues  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, Carol St.Ann !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was reflective of Christopher's personality. I found it smooth and easy to read through. The language usage was realistic for his age and education level. I think that is very important when writing any genre, but especially for younger people because they lose interest so quickly if they don't understand it.

Christopher's character was fleshed out very well through his internal thoughts, reactions, and dialogue. His personality remained constant through the entirety, creating a well rounded image of him in my mind. I can honestly say I felt as though I got to know him well.

Great work on Roxanne's voice. She came through as a materialistic girl all the way around. The way she spoke to him and the way she acted were both constant in showing her character. Well done.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. The sequence of events moved in a continual time line, each situation using enough time for the reader to understand, while keeping it interesting. To be honest, I didn't realize I was at the end until there was no more to read. That tells me you did a great job with involving me in the story.

I enjoyed Lydia's attitude. She was a breath of fresh air after having to listen to Roxanne. I was shaking my head at the end thinking he really was a bit slow not to have caught on. It was realistic for a boy his age, well, for most men too. *Wink*

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is to add a comma before a name when using it as a direct address. For example,

"Hi, Christopher."

Otherwise, I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great story. The narrative was active and involved me right from the start. The characters were believable, and each of them had a distinctive voice. The dialogue flowed well, as did the plot line. The ending left me smiling. Great work! I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
229
229
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow, what an inspiring story you have. The tone you used in this was upbeat and understanding right from the beginning. The way you described the people your parent's helped with oxygen therapy was with love and respect, and I really enjoyed that. When I was younger, my grandparent's operated a home called 'Whispering Hope' that cared for individuals who were handicapped that could not care for themselves. I remember one woman, Shannon, she was so full of life inside and loved everyone, though she could never express it with anything more than a smile. She is 53 now, living in a different home, but she showed me that people who are disabled through birth defects, injury, and illness are no different than healthy people at heart, and deserve the same love and respect as everyone else. The first part of this piece captures that perfectly. In showing the reader the courage of these people, you have also challenged the reader to see beyond our societies preconceived notions of these illnesses. Well done.

The story of your illness touched my heart. To spend so much time feeling like you are not living at all was an eye opener for me. Some days I sit here and feel that life is so hard, but you have shown me that what I call hard, another could relish as an opportunity to live. Your recovery is so wonderful, and though it is not complete, it is definitely something to be proud of. I like your idea to enjoy each day as you have it - if only more people could think that way, and actually mean it.

Suggestions

*Bullet*On the other side of the wall from my bedroom, was a large blue metal chamber that looked a lot like a submarine.
I don't think you need a comma before 'was'. It seems to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*The little blind boy reached out and grabbed the string of a balloon, at the celebration of his last treatment.
No comma before 'at'.

*Bullet*Giving up on their children was not and would never be an option.
Consider surrounding 'and would never be' with commas to separate it from the main sentence. It also gives it more impact, I think.

*Bullet*remission than relapse,
The word 'than' should be 'then'.

*Bullet* I was suddenly, confronted with a possible solution to my illness.
You do not need a comma after 'suddenly' because it flows with the sentence rather than modifying the entirety.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an amazing read. I am so glad I clicked on it. It was inspirational, emotional, thought provoking, and well written. I know that anyone who reads this will be touched by it, whether emotionally, or intellectually, or both. I know I was. Thank you so much for sharing this with our community. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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230
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Oh my, now that was just way too much fun! When I saw this in your port I just had to stop in and try my hand at finding a word for the next letter. Just my luck, I got stuck with the letter 'Q'. I could hear you in my mind, "No words from your second grade spelling list." Thank goodness I remembered one from seventh grade! *Laugh*

This was a great idea for a fun community activity. I think it would be a great activity for a writer when they are feeling 'blocked', so to speak. Exercise for the mind can never go wrong, can it?

The page is set up in a clear, easy to understand way. The instructions are simple and to the point, and best of all, the image gives it a very homey, comfortable atmosphere.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions! *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved completing this activity. I have added it to my favorites for when I need a breather to stimulate my words. Thank you for offering this game to everyone. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
231
231
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was clear and compelling. The mood came across as melancholy right from the beginning as the woman remembers times from the past, both good and bad, but all filled with lost magic. It is clear through the tone that she feels deep regret, but it doesn't come clear until the end just why. The fact that she suffered great injury during the accident and has suffered for years seems to be less than what she feels she deserves. A very deep seeded depression, for sure.

The story flows well from beginning to end. I found the ending was done in such a way that I was surprised by what had happened between her and her husband just seconds before the crash.

The time spent recollecting in the beginning was done well. The only suggestion I have is to reduce the amount you use passive sentences. I think it would deliver more impact if some active verbs were used. Rather than just telling the reader the way something was, show it. For example,

You wrote:

Once upon a time that sad wasted tree was pregnant with Red Delicious apples and the fragrance was heavenly.

Here you have told the reader the tree was ripe with apples, and that it smelled good, but consider describing the taste. Saying it was heavenly doesn't 'show' the reader what it tasted like, only that the narrator thought it was good.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*With the quilt under me dreams and ideas flow like a stream of cool water.
I think a comma after 'me' would be appropriate because 'With the quilt under me' acts as a introduction for the main sentence 'dreams and ideas flow like a stream of cool water.' Great metaphor, by the way!

*Bullet*that sad wasted tree
I think a comma after 'sad' would be appropriate because 'sad' and 'wasted' are two separate adjectives to describe the tree, rather than one thing together.

*Bullet*I could fill notebooks up with magical words which turned into poetry and stories.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider rewording it a bit to produce a smoother flow. For a quick example, 'I could fill notebooks with magical words, flowing effortlessly into poems and stories.'

*Bullet*Fantasies would arrive like wishes dropped by fairies that lived in the tree,...
Consider using 'who' instead of 'that'.

*Bullet*Boys become generous men.
I think 'become' should be 'became'.

*Bullet*Girls discovered the touch of a male hand can thrill tender skin sending exciting sensations into their inner being.
I think there should be a comma after 'skin' to show that the male hand is what is sending, rather than the tender skin which precedes it. It provides the distinction.

*Bullet*These were brave boys going to war and their sweethearts cry silently.
There is tense confusion here. 'These' is present tense, 'were' is past tense, and 'cry' is present. Considering this piece is being told as past events, I think it should all be in past tense.

*Bullet* They had no wish to die but what choice did they have?
There should be a comma before 'but' because it is being used as a coordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*they hoped love would open the girl’s secret place and let them in before a bayonet might destroy all dreams forever.
The section 'might destroy all dreams forever' seems incomplete. Consider, 'and let them in before a bayonet destroyed their dreams forever'.

*Bullet*Here I stand across from that tree that gave me so much joy.
The word 'that' twice so close together feels repetitive. Considering rephrasing.

*Bullet*It’s leaves are gone and the apples are but dreams of the past.
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*Later I realize the sobbing was coming from me.
I think a comma after 'Later' would be appropriate because it is being used as an introductory word.

*Bullet*I have a prosthetic ear that has the feel of real ear.
Consider 'real skin' to reduce the repetition of 'ear'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. The mood was done very well, allowing me to feel and understand the level of her depression, of how she felt she should suffer for an eternity. She blamed herself for her husband's death, and at the very end the reader gets to see why. Leaving it until the end to reveal it left a lasting impression for me. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
232
232
Review of Learning To Roll  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Thimpin !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Well, I have to admit, I loved that ending. I had a smile painted clear across my face when I heard Bobby's mom yell out. It was left hanging in a way that the reader can choose for themselves whether Harless decided to let it go or not, but either way it was resolved well.

The narrative tone in this was very good. I felt that I had a clear connection to Bobby throughout the course of the story. The narrative came from his perspective, allowing the reader to see the world from his eyes. Doing that was a great way of showing the reader why he did what he did, as well as what he was feeling during each situation. His internal thoughts gave me even more insight into his mind and allowed me to feel like I really got to know him well.

Speaking of which, the character development in this was extremely well done. By the end of the story I could safely say I got to know Bobby very well. It was clear that what he did was out of a desire to experience new things, some of which were frightening, but that he felt would make him more than he already was. His mother was shown nicely. I could see from the way she spoke to him in the beginning that she was strict, but not to the point of being cruel. Well done. His friend Shucks was a bit of a butt-head, but with the freedom that his mother allowed him, it was understandable.

The dialogue flowed well and felt natural as I read through. The character's individual voices held strong throughout, and the purposeful misspellings worked well to show the pronunciation and accent. There were a couple spots where the dialogue needs to be split into separate paragraphs, and I have included those suggestions below.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. Bobby's motivation for his actions was made clear in the beginning, so I could understand the events as they transpired. The scene with Harless and Bobby at the end sure had my heart pumping, not to mention my blood boiling, and it was resolved in a satisfactory way.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...which basically meant, I wasn't very good at much else,
The comma after 'meant' isn't needed. Also, 'which' needs to be capitalized because the dialogue that comes before it ends with a period.

*Bullet* But I was about to become a full-fledged teenager that summer and my not being able to memorize the multiplication table or know a noun from a verb was the last thing on my mind.
There should be a comma before 'and my not' because the 'and' is working as a coordinating conjunction for a compound sentence. Meaning, the sentences on each side of the 'and' can stand alone.

There are a couple places in the first paragraph that the word 'had' is used when it isn't really needed to set the past tense.
*Bullet*Lightning bugs had returned several weeks earlier to warm the cool evenings...(The word 'returned' shows the past tense already.)
*Bullet*The ceaseless symphonies of grasshoppers had also made their way back...

*Bullet* Old Man Leon Jenkins was a master of this style though his fingertips were stained yellow.
I think there should be a comma before 'though'.

*Bullet*It was a summer I would get my first taste of shop-lifting...
I think 'a' should be 'the'.

*Bullet*but because he had failed a couple of grades we had wound up in the same blended sixth grade class.
Consider removing 'had', I don't think it is needed.

*Bullet*This is something I'm not at all sure about, and I haven't mentioned it before now because of that, but I think 'aint' should have an apostrophe before the 't': ain't

*Bullet*"But your little friend just got here Shucks and now you're gonna run off on him?"
There should be a comma before and after 'Shucks' because it is a direct address.

*Bullet*In the thirty minutes or more that it took us to walk to the corner in town Shucks laid out our plans for the day, as he passed out cigarettes and complained that we were going to have to start buying our own.
There should be a comma after 'to the corner in town' because it is an introductory phrase. The comma after 'day' isn't necessary.

*Bullet*Shucks' plan was for us to be there before Harless and become his buddies for the day or at least until he passed out.
I think a comma before 'or' would be appropriate.

*Bullet* The corner was surrounded by the usual small town enterprises such as a hardware, drug, and grocery stores.
There are two options here. Either cut out 'a' so the plural of 'store' is accepted by all, or use the 'a' and make 'stores' singular. As it stands, it doesn't show whether there is multiples of all the stores, or only the grocery store.

*Bullet*Mothers and the business folk despised the corner as well as those who came to hang out there.
The word 'came' indicates present tense. Consider 'went' instead.

*Bullet*Shucks took a drag on his Winston leaned his head back and blew three smoke rings toward the fading morning clouds.
Consider placing a comma after 'Winston' and 'back' to show it is a list of actions he performed.

*Bullet*Shucks squeezed my shoulder and winked then turned back to Harless.
Comma after 'winked'.

*Bullet*Consequently the odor of the Swag was about a...
Consider placing a comma after 'Consequently'.

*Bullet*About 20 minutes after we left the corner we stepped off west Flag road and started down into the Swag.
Consider placing a comma after 'corner' because the preceding phrase is an introductory phrase for the main action.

*Bullet* For some reason watching him nurse his wine bottle was just as embarrassing.
I think a comma after 'reason' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*"I'll be back in a minute." "Where the hell you going?" Shucks demanded. "I gotta piss really bad Shucks", I pleaded, anything to keep from drinking after Backer again. "Just checking," Shucks said with a plastic grin, "put out a fire for me, but hurry right back."
Due to the fact that there are two different speakers here, the dialogue should be separated out, a new paragraph for each speaker.

*Bullet*Me and Backer can run all the way up to Lonzo's get the stuff and run all the way back in about thirty minutes."
I think there should be a comma after 'Lonzo's' and again after 'stuff' as it is a list of what they will do.

*Bullet*I walked slowly back aiming for the opposite side of the path from Harless and sat down casting a quick glance at him.
Consider 'back slowly' rather than 'slowly back'. Also, I think there should be a comma after 'back' and against after 'Harless' to show that the part inside of the commas is an added element to the main sentence.

*Bullet* “By-Gawd, I told you to...
This part of dialogue should be seperated from the dialogue from the boy, rather than in the same paragraph.

*Bullet*Something like fire went through my body starting at the...
Comma after 'body' to show that 'starting' is referring to the fire.

*Bullet*but I don’t think I’m gonna let you play teacher, Now,
The comma before 'Now' should be a period.

*Bullet* I heard a light thapping noise, as the bullet hit his...
The comma here isn't needed. The word 'as' is almost always used as a subordinating conjunction, therefore, no comma is needed.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable story of Bobby's choices as a young boy, and how he was very close to learning the very hard way. I was pleased when his mom and brother showed up to save him, and felt that Bobby had definitely learned his lesson. I'm sure he wouldn't be quite so prone to find adventure after that. *Smile* Feel free to let me know once you have edited, and I will head back over to re-evaluate the piece accordingly.

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
233
233
Review of A Ghostly Poem  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a cute poem about a house haunted with playful children. It was a refreshing change to read about ghosts in a positive light.

Tone & Mood: The tone started off a bit eerie, but transitioned smoothly to loving and joyful when the ghosts were revealed as children. The mood changed a bit as well, starting with a dark edge and ending with a light, happy atmosphere. Very nice.

Emotional Impact: I found this piece heartening. It made me feel happy for the ghostly children that they were able to merge with a human family and feel love. Quite the change from being malicious and haunting people. *Smile*

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I am not too good with form, but the rhyming sequence was very well done, the words chosen carefully to reflect the content with the desired effect. The flow was very nice. As I read this out loud I found it flowed off my tongue with ease.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*And we would behold a home sweet home dear.
I wonder if a comma before 'dear' would be appropriate. The first time I read it through the word confused me since it didn't really flow with 'home sweet home' until I paused before 'dear'.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was a great read. I enjoyed the originality of this piece. Most often when ghosts are used, they are accompanied by fear and injury. It was really nice to see them in a different light, playing with other children and being happy. *Smile* I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
234
234
Review of Role Models  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Great work on the edit! It reads much smoother now, and Michael falling to his knees was a great touch. It upped the emotion well. I just noticed one thing, when 'Momma' is used as a name in a direct address, there should be a comma before it. All in all, well done!! *Bigsmile* I have revised my original rating accordingly.

~Joy
235
235
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thimpin,

Yikes! When I sent that review, I somehow got the rating all wrong. It came through as a 1 when it should have been a 4! Super sorry about that, I've got to be more careful when I'm hitting keys, I guess!!

I cleared that rating and am now submitting the four it should have been. *Smile*

~Joy
236
236
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hiya, Thimpin !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The opening paragraph was great. It grabbed my attention well. My dad's been a truck driver all my life, so I tend to notice when someone doesn't get the descriptions quite right. You did a great job with this while he was slamming on his brakes because of the car in front of him. It unraveled in a realistic way and felt believable.

The story progressed at a good rate without any areas to lull the reader at all. I found the tone stayed constant and kept me interested, even when I doubted the fact that the woman was a ghost.

The character development of Al was very well done. Through the course of the story I learned a lot about him and could safely say I felt like I knew him well by the end. I liked how his personality was revealed through his actions and dialogue. It made the process of discovering him seem more realistic. His reaction at the end was great, and definitely held with his established personality.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. There were a series of small conflicts, allowing the reader to maintain interest right till the final revelation at the end. Which, I might add, was well done. I was left with a sense of having experienced something very few ever had before.

One thing I wanted to comment on is the use of the word 'had' throughout the narrative. I found that it created a bit of a passive tone a few times. Go through and find them, then look at the sentence without it. You will find that a lot of the time, it can be removed without changing the effect of the sentence.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Pulling an eighty ton shifting load of black gold in a bucket...
I think a comma after 'ton' because 'eighty ton' and 'shifting load' are equal adjectives describing the same thing.

*Bullet*Albert shouted as a small dusty blue Fiesta jumped...
Comma after 'small'.

*Bullet*He fought to not close his eyes...
Consider 'He fought to keep his eyes open...' for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*Abcessed
Should be 'Abscessed'.

*Bullet*n the meantime fog was rising in...
Comma after 'meantime' because it is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet* The truck came to a grinding, stuttering stop angled to the middle of the road about twenty feet...
I think a comma after 'stop' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*His heart racing and his body covered with sweat Al felt like he had just ran a mile.
I think a comma after 'sweat' would be be good because 'His heart racing and his body covered with sweat' sets up the second part of the sentence.

*Bullet*Suddenly he heard the door to his truck open and click closed and he froze.
Consider placing a comma after 'Suddenly' because it is a disjunctive adverb that modifies the entire sentence. Also, consider a dash for the last 'and' to give it a bit more punch. For example, 'Suddenly, he heard the door to his truck open and click closed - he froze.'

*Bullet*Her hair was long and sandy blonde almost golden.
Consider placing a comma after 'blonde'.

*Bullet*She wore a plain cream-colored low-cut dress with long sleeves...
The words 'plain', 'cream-colored' and 'low cut' are all adjectives describing the same thing, so should be set off with commas. One after 'plain' and another after 'cream-colored'. The words 'low-cut' do not need a comma because they connect to the object being described.

*Bullet*“I’m so glad you stopped” she said
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*“I know and I am very sorry" she pouted, "but I...
Need a comma before the end punctuation mark. Also, I think the comma after 'pouted' should be a period because 'she pouted' isn't a direct dialogue tag, but also an action.

*Bullet*His big heart had been slain, still he couldn't shake...
Consider using a period here instead of a comma. Then, start the next sentence with 'Still, he couldn't...'. Give it a shot and see what you think.

*Bullet*Al said as he rubbed his hand across his face, "I knew it. I'm not going to make it home am I?", his voice a trembling whisper.
The comma after 'face' should be a period. Also, the comma before 'his' isn't necessary. I think 'his' should be capitalized, as well.

*Bullet*"I'll come around and help you down"
Consider placing a comma before the ending quotation mark.

*Bullet*He slammed the passenger door and ran around the truck and got in.
Consider substituting a comma for the first 'and'.

*Bullet*Twenty minutes later just when he thought he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer he saw blue and yellow neon...
Consider a comma after 'later' and another after 'longer' to separate the added element from the main sentence.

*Bullet*"Buddy, You got that right,...
The word 'you' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*"Sally",
The comma should be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet*The dancers had stopped dancing and the jukebox went silent.
The word 'had' isn't needed here as the past tense is implied already.

*Bullet*After pouring his cup full again Bob looked at Sally...
Comma after 'again'.

*Bullet*Seeing that Al was stressed and tired he reassured him that...
Comma after 'tired'.

*Bullet*And besides in the morning when the sun comes up,...
Consider dropping the 'And' and start this with 'Besides'. Also, a comma after 'besides' would be appropriate because it is acting as a transitional word.

*Bullet*“My god but she was pretty”, he thought to himself.
The comma should be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet* Sally, the redhead, seeing his discomfort, stepped up and kissed his cheek.
Consider re-ordering this sentence a bit. The 'the redhead' isn't necessary because she was introduced as a redhead earlier on. The story isn't too long for the reader to remember that. Also, consider this: 'Seeing his discomfort, Sally stepped up and kissed his cheek.'

*Bullet*It felt like a light cooling puff of air.
Just need a comma after 'light' because 'light' and 'cooling' are adjectives.

*Bullet* He had slowed to twenty-five miles per hour when he saw three flares laying across the...
I think 'had' could be removed from this sentence without hurting it in anyway. It will create a more active tone.

*Bullet*“You mentioned him a minute ago",
Comma inside of the quotation mark.

*Bullet*But no restaurants up her since.
There is a typo on 'here'. Also, this is missing the end quotation mark.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A really great story! My attention was held constant with the series of conflicts and action laced through the narrative. There were no large areas of exposition to slow the story down, and the character of Al was developed nicely. Let me know if you edit - again, the only thing keeping this from a higher rating were the technical suggestions above. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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237
237
Review of Role Models  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


My first reaction to this piece was, 'Wow'. The story told within this was emotionally wrenching, not to mention a huge eye opener for the reader.

The narrative tone was consistent and clear, creating a near effortless connection between Tommy and the reader. Right in the beginning my heart broke for him that he would have to hide under the porch in order to play. The descriptions in this were very well done. I had a clear visual of everything that happened to the child, as well as the areas in which he was. The scene in the house with his mother was intense and realistic for someone going through this kind of abuse. His reaction to cover his head was vivid and showed some of the emotion he tried so hard to keep hidden. I swear I could hear him begging her to stop. Very well done.

I also wanted to say that I really liked the way you showed the accents of the speakers. The purposeful misspelling of certain words worked nicely to show that they were speaking in a sort of drawl. Very nice.

As the story progressed, I was kept in suspense as to what was going to happen. As he went through the motions of the ride to town, buying the groceries, and then walking home my curiosity spiked. Oh, I should also mention here that all that was well written. Even though it felt like not a lot was happening to further the story, it was intense and compelling. In the beginning of this story I thought the main focus would be the abuse he went through at home, but when Tater wasn't yelling at him the second time around, I realized, a split second before he did, that something was wrong.

The section where he was dreaming was very intense. I could feel his desperation clearly. I was pleasantly surprised when Mr. Gibson was there to save him, and even more surprised at his revelation.

The last sentence was clever and very telling of the effect the encounter had on Tommy.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Tommy Thornsberry leaned back and smiled. His young face partially illuminated by the morning light sliding through the cracks of the porch boards over head.
Consider using a semicolon here rather than a period since the second sentence is reliant on the first. I think a period is too much of a stop to show the reader that they reflect information about the same emotion.

*Bullet*"Tommy!", she yelled, "Have you got my wash water yet?".
There is double punctuation in this sentence. The comma after the quotation mark is not needed before 'she yelled' and the period at the end is also not needed. The ending punctuation within the quotation marks is enough for closure.

*Bullet*"G'morning Momma, I didn't know you were up yet." he said out of breath, "This is the last...
The period after 'yet' should be a comma because it is followed by the direct tag 'she said'. Also, I think a comma after 'said' would be good in order to seperate 'out of breath' enough to show that he said it while he was out of breath. You could also consider 'panted' or 'huffed' rather than said in order to 'show' his reaction to the reader. That, though, is something many readers do not agree on, so it's completely up to you.

*Bullet*Her face twisted with rage she whispered harshly,...
Consider placing a comma after 'rage'. I think it works as an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*"Yes Momma",
The comma just needs to be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet*Come here and give Momma a big hug and then you and little Pete go on back to bed, Ok?
This section of dialogue is missing the end quotation mark. Also, the whole paragraph is seperated from 'Sally softened' but it could easily be a part of the same paragraph.

*Bullet*"Yes Momma. I'll hurry right back.", Tommy said...
The period before the quotation mark isn't needed, and the comma should be in its place.

*Bullet*Though he had mopped up the water he stopped to make...
I think a comma after 'water' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*and worn-out dirty-white deck tennis shoes, no socks.
I think a comma after 'worn-out' would be appropriate because 'worn-out' and 'dirty-white' are both adjectives to describe the same thing. Also, consider using a dash before 'no socks' rather than a comma. I suggest this in order to show the reader it is not a part of the list, but rather, an exception.

*Bullet*It was a clear beautiful spring morning...
I think a comma after 'clear' and again after 'beautiful' because they are both adjectives describing the morning.

*Bullet*Tommy, grabbed the door handle, stepped on the running board and jumped...
The comma after 'Tommy' isn't needed. It seems to throw off the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*There are a few places where 'Peanut' is used as a name for Tommy by the truck driver. There should be a comma before it any time that it is used as a direct address.

*Bullet*...gave his full head of dark brown hair a short toss to the left clearing it from his vision.
Consider placing a comma after 'left'.

*Bullet*Someone had nick-named him 'Tater', because he was often seen...
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'Tater' because the word 'because' is a subordinate conjunction.

*Bullet*He stopped the truck right beside of the corner and Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.
This sentence is a bit off for flow. Consider the following, 'He stopped the truck at the corner. Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.'

*Bullet*"Thanks for the ride Tater"
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark.

*Bullet* This morning was no different with one exception.
I don't know, this is a pretty big contradiction. Consider something like this, 'This morning was the same, with one exception.' I know it says almost the same thing, but one exception indicates a difference.

*Bullet*It taste like lead and mud.
I think 'taste' should be 'tasted'.

*Bullet*...afraid to breath for the worst had yet to happen.
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Bullet*"That's my boooooooy!",
No comma is needed here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

The technical suggestions above are the only thing that kept this from a 5 star rating. This story really deserves it, so please let me know if you decide to edit. I would love to re-evaluate it accordingly.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though the content itself was far from happy. It was intense, compelling, realistic, and far too believable. I was left feeling emotionally raw, as well as heart broken for this boy, and so many others who suffer the same sort of fate. I look forward to reading more of your work, you are an exceptional ability to involve the reader. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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238
238
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Jay's debut novel is out now! !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Short, sweet, and well written. This piece of dialogue is a very good example of how showing can be accomplished through dialogue. The character development was really very good for this short of a piece. I found the speech and actions of Heather to be realistic and believable. I have yet to see a child who wants to stay at school, away from the safety of his/her mother, on the morning of the first day. The mother's reaction was likewise realistic. I could sense her reluctance to leave her daughter with the teacher, and also an underlying frustration regarding the child's 'meltdowns'.

The ending was cute. My daughter didn't want to leave after her first day, either, and I found it realistic. The poor mom, though, it seemed that no matter what she wanted her to do, the child did the opposite. *Wink*

Suggestions

I didn't notice any mistakes in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable read. The dialogue was expressive and showing, and I found it flowed naturally, as well as being believable. The story moved along well from beginning to end. Well done. *Bigsmile*I noticed this is labeled as Chapter 1, do you have more chapters ready?

Happy Writing!

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239
239
Review of Santa's Helpers  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Sum1 !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a great read. I really like how you managed to convey a very important message in a fun way. You even incorporated the art of texting, which has become a primary source of communication in our modern world. I smiled to think of Santa texting!

Tone & Mood: The tone started out sad, maybe even irritated, and changed smoothly as he texted with Santa. The mood was set well through the use of thoughts and active narrative. I think the use of different colored font eased the reading process for the reader by distinguishing the difference is speaker without needing tags. Well done.

Emotional Impact: This poem made me think about what Christmas should be filled with. Rather than stress over finances and whether or not I can get my kids what they really want, I realized what I should be thinking about is friends, family, and spending time together. I was left with a feeling of contentment.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: All spot on as far as I could tell. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The only thing I wanted to comment on was that there was a bit of back and forth between using proper punctuation and not. Even though the speech is texted, I think the use of end punctuation before the quotation marks would be a good idea.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, contains a great message, and left me feeling good about Christmas. Well done!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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240
240
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Redtowrite !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Short and sweet with a great message. I enjoyed the flow of this story. It moved along from beginning to end in smooth progression without any unnecessary narrative. I also enjoyed how it was set up. In the beginning, Trevor referred to his memory of a 'special year'. The first thing I thought of was something great happened. Then, when his dad walked in raving about him acting like a sissy, my mind switched around to the 'special' meaning it was a turning point for him, but not in a postive way. Then, in the end it turned around again, leaving the reader with a feeling of contentment, knowing the two of them would work out their differences on the subject. It caused heightened suspense for me as I moved through the story. Very nice.

The tone was great. It was strong and clear, and the narrative was active. I found myself fully involved right from the beginning. The dialogue was realistic and flowed well.

The only thing I noticed was a bit of tense confusion. I have included a few examples below.

Suggestions

The majority of this piece was written in present tense. Following is a quik example from the story: On this day he reaches out and grabs my arms. However, there are a few spots where the tense changes to past. Another quick example from the story: His face suddenly changed from a thunderstorm to a gentle rain.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. It dealt with a sensitive topic in an active and positive way by showing the effect his father's words had on Trevor. It caused the nasty comments from the school children to seem warranted in his eyes. Then, the father's turn around left me with a feeling of hope that the situation would not continue to be all negative. Good work. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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241
241
Review of Dreams For Sale  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, Thimpin !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very interesting read. You took the topic of molesting children and put a new spin on it. The idea of the teacher taking dreams from the children was an original and intriguing take on this. The explanation of how he was doing it seemed realistic and believable. The dialogue was intense and enhanced the personal aspect of this, which I think added to the realism of it. Well done.

The tone was clear, consistent, and intense. The mood was suspenseful, especially in the beginning because I was sure it was going to be directly about the physical abuse of the child. In truth, it was even though you used another subject as the invasion. The stealing of their dreams still affected them for the long run by stealing the visions they had of themselves for the future.

There was a switch of point of view after Mr. Hall was arrested, but it was smooth and worked well with the content. To be honest, I usually don't like it when the perspective changes without some kind of seperation, but for this story it was great. *Smile*

I found the pace of this story very good. It moved along at a good rate without bulky exposition to slow the active nature of the writing.

One thing I found caught my attention as I was reading was the use of quite a few 'ly' ending adverbs. I have nothing against them, believe me, I find them very useful when used in moderation. However, there were quite a few which I feel could be taken out to reduce the feeling of repetition. The sentences were active with 'showing' the reader, making the adverbs unnecessary. Something for you to think about. *Wink*

Suggestions

*Bullet* Mr. Hall affected concern, "What's wrong Alicen?"
The comma here should be a period because it is not a direct tag.

*Bullet*I have another headache Mr. Hall and it hurts real bad."
I think 'Mr. Hall' should be surrounded by commas. The one before it is because she is using his name as a direct address. The comma following it is needed because 'and' is being used as a coordinating conjunction for a compound sentence.

*Bullet*...it hurts me to see you worried and in pain like this so, you just go on back to my office,...
I think the comma after 'so' should be before the word.

*Bullet*He walked slowly to the back of the classroom briefly calculating how much he would profit from this sale of recordings.
I think a comma after 'classroom' would increase the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*...by an average sized attractive woman he had never met before.
I think there should be a comma after 'sized' because 'average sized' and 'attractive' are both adjectives describing the woman.

*Bullet*"He stepped out for just a moment, please come in", the woman said...
The comma should be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet*...your legs like the good boy you are.". The woman grabbed his right...
There is an extra period after the quotation mark.

*Bullet* "Good morning Mr. Ocher",
Just a misplaced comma. There are a few other places like this, as well.

*Bullet*“And what is the advantage of this, Sir? Why is this something people will pay for?
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*“Whoa Mr. Stevens. Get a hold of yourself.
Just need a comma after 'Whoa'.

*Bullet* Now if you'll excuse me I need to check on my...
I think there should be a comma after 'Now'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It contained a great message which was supported nicely with the use active narrative, realistic dialogue, convincing characters, and an intriguing plot line. If you decided to edit this piece, feel free to let me know. I would love to come back and re-rate this accordingly. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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242
242
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: Loved it, loved it! Wow, I can't tell you how gorgeous this piece is. The imagery was breathtaking, and the wording was wonderful. The second stanza was definitely my favorite, I could see the scene easily as the soft breeze passed through. You stimulated the senses of smell, sight, and touch, all done well to increase the impact of the poem.

Tone & Mood: The tone was gentle and full of admiration and gratitude for the beauty God has presented all around us. The mood was uplifting and peaceful at the same time, allowing for a tranquil appreciation in the reader. Very nicely done.

Emotional Impact: This piece filled me up as I read through. It left a lasting impression of thankfulness, spurring me to think of all the things for which I am thankful. I love how the words flowed in this piece, the meaning was clear and stated with such serene beauty.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: To be honest, I didn't notice a rhyming sequence, but there was definitely no lack of rhythm or flow. It read smoothly from start to finish, especially when recited.

Suggestions:

Nope, I have absolutely no suggestions for this piece. It was great! *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was an extemely well written, inspirational, and spiritual poem. The use of imagery created a vivid scene as it progressed. I was infused with gratefulness, peace, and love. Keep up the amazing work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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243
243
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sum1 !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


What a great feel good story, and all the better because it's true. *Bigsmile*

This piece was very well written. The narrative tone was crisp, clean, and easy to identify with. I found myself involved in the story before the second family even came in. The mood was set early on through the use of the narrative.

I think the addition of how you were a cynic in the beginning was a nice touch. The ending line summed up the effect this encounter had on you as a person and that is always so nice to see. It allows the reader to connect with the narrator on a personal level, and therefore, increase the impact the story has on them.

The story flowed well from beginning to end and at a good pace. There was no unnecessary information for fluff, just a good, wholesome story of giving for the sake of giving. You are right about that, it is not something you see in this world very often.

Suggestions

*Bullet*The first table was about almost through with their...
The section 'was about almost' doesn't sound quite right since they both mean basically the same thing. Consider dropping one or the other to keep the flow consistent.

*Bullet*“Oh, good friends of yours I take.”
I stumbled here a bit, consider adding 'it' after 'take'.

*Bullet*The dialogue between you and the young mother are in the same paragraph. Consider giving each person their own paragraph.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was a great story that left me feeling content, and thinking just maybe there are still some good people left out there. *Wink* I look forward to visiting your port again.

Happy Writing!

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244
244
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, Princess Megan Rose 22 Years !

This review is a part of the package you won in "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction. Thank you for your generous bid!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression: Oh, wow! I LOVED this poem! Not only was it fun and entertaining, but it also reminds the reader about the meaning of Christmas, not to mention the excitement of the Holiday season. Wonderful!

Tone & Mood: The tone was loving and fun, like a mother explaining the joy's of Christmas to her children. The mood was upbeat and full of excitement.

Emotional Impact: The mood in this piece was contagious for me. I couldn't wait to share it with my kids when they got home from school and each one of them loved it. My daughter's eyes lit right up!

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The rhyming sequence was consistent and the word choices fit the content perfectly. The flow was smooth, I had no trouble reciting this out loud for my family. Very enjoyable.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for this piece. I love it just the way it is! *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was an amazing poem about Christmas. I have to admit, I am not a big Christmas fan, but this piece filled me with excitement and anticipation. Great work! I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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245
245
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, Princess Megan Rose 22 Years !

This review is a part of the package you won at "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction. Thank you so much for your generous bid!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression: This was a fun piece to read. I have to admit, the title and description intrigued me before I even began reading the poem. *Smile*I was impressed that you managed to give the Baroness a personality in such a short piece. *Thumbsup*

Tone & Mood: The tone was light and fun, infusing the entire piece with the energy of a young woman in love, determined to get the man she wanted. The mood was wonderful, fun and entertaining!

Emotional Impact: I was smiling through the entirety of this poem. It left a lasting impression of excitement and new love.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I can't say that I recognized any specific rhyming sequence or form, but I am not a very experienced poet, so it's possible I just don't know it. However, the flow was very nice. It wasn't completely consistent, but I didn't stumble as I read out loud. It was enjoyable to recite, as well as listen to.

Suggestions:

There was just one spot I felt was a little off. It is as follows.

Her dress with a big bustle swaying,
A beautiful green velvet dress she wore.

The use of the word 'dress' twice so close together felt a touch repetitive.

*Bullet*The last line of the first stanza has a comma rather than a period. I only mention it because all of the other stanzas end with a period.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was a very enjoyable poem! It was a fun, interesting tale of how a Baroness chose her husband, complete with excitement and new love. *Smile* I look forward to reading more of your work!

Happy Writing!

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246
246
Review of Betrayal  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

My Personal Impression: I really loved reading this piece. I found this to be a great way to remind people about how we abuse the earth each and every day. The content reflects the image very well.

Tone & Mood: The tone started out light, but as the narrator realized the decay in the forest it became soft and a touch melancholy, or maybe even regretful. The ending stanza left a definite impression of disappointment in how the world of man has destroyed the purity of nature.

Emotional Impact: I found this to be a great way to reinforce how we affect the world around us without knowing, or maybe more accurately, without caring.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I loved that you added the bit after the poem to explain the form and rhyming scheme. It allowed me to appreciate this not only as an enjoyable read, but as a rather complicated form. (Well, for me at least*Wink*) The word choices were great, and the flow was right on through the entirety. I didn't stumble at all as I read it out loud.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Nicely written with a great flow, and a wonderful message. Very nice!

Happy Writing!

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247
Review of Locked  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hiya, Ashina ! Welcome to WDC!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

The story line in this piece was very interesting. The events and situations flowed well from one to the next, allowing a smooth story to unfold. The plot was inticate and involved. I see a wealth of potential in this piece.

I found the narrative to be a bit passive with the constant use of adverbs (happily, bitterly, badly, usually, likely, slowly, quickly, etc.) and quite a bit of 'was' and 'had been' sentences. If you could substitute these passive sentences with active narrative, it would take this piece to a whole new level, I'm sure.

The main character was well fleshed out through this. Not only does the reader discover what she had suffered during past while, but quite a bit about what kind of person she was through how she acted and reacted. Her inner strength was well represented through her desire to live and be free. I think adding some internal dialogue and main dialogue would go a long way in making her feel even more realistic for the reader.

As far as structure goes, consider taking some of the lengthier paragraphs and dividing them up a bit. Some readers can be daunted by such long pieces of exposition and choose not to continue simply because it seems like work. Adding some dialogue and active encounters would pull the reader through with less effort on their part.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Everything should’ve been different, nothing should’ve been what it is now.
Consider writing out these contractions. I think the statements would be much more effective with 'should have'.

*Bullet*Maybe if I actually use my brain, instead of my lust…, I could actually get out of here. Get away from here, yes, that sounded good.
The comma after the ellipsis is not needed. Also, this section seems to change tense between past and present. For example, 'use my brain' sets a present tense, while 'could' and 'sounded' are past tense. As far as I can tell, you use past tense for the majority of this piece, so you may want to smooth out the discrepancy to eliminate confusion for the reader.

*Bullet*You just can’t really see it as a door, more like a crawling door. A door you have to crawl through, so small.
The second sentence here is a little repetitive because it was already established that it was a 'crawling door'. You may consider a different term, however, to reduce the need to explain it. Consider something like, 'cubby hole'.

*Bullet*How bad was it going to get, the key must’ve been a sign, but I couldn’t figure it out fast enough.
I think the first part 'How bad was it going to get' should have a question mark. Then use 'The key' to start the next sentence.

*Bullet*What was that annoying sound coming from across the room.
I think this should have a question mark.

*Bullet*It kept me from my dreamless sleep, I longed for to last just a little longer.
Consider making this two seperate sentences. Or, perhaps a semicolon would suffice for a division between the two. Also, I think adding 'it' after 'for' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*Wincing I opened my eyes, rolling over, staring straight into his eyes.
This felt a bit packed together. Consider rephrazing slightly. For example, 'Wincing, I opened my eyes and rolled over. I found myself staring straight into his eyes.'

*Bullet* I gasped, this was the least I was expecting.
This is a passive statement. It is a great spot to throw in some punch by using more active verbs and cutting out the 'was'. Consider this, 'I gasped, stunned by the unexpected encounter.'

*Bullet*Door, left wall, a few meters away, but it will most likely be locked.
The word 'will' takes this into present tense. Consider using 'would' to maintain consistency.

*Bullet*There are many adverbs used in this piece. Believe me, I like my adverbs, but it is easy to overuse them and create a passive telling of a story, rather than a vivid experience for the reader. Consider going through this and looking for words that end with '-ly'. Challenge yourself to explain the sentence without using it, but instead replacing it with a more active verb. It can really make the difference for the reader when they are reading a story to be 'shown' what happens, allowing them to envision it, rather than just understand that something happened.

*Bullet*Consider adding some scenes into this of what happens. Develop the story through active dialogue and action, rather than just telling the reader what happened. The story line for this is very interesting and well planned out, and I think it could be a very compelling read if executed in a more active way.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This story has some amazing potential. The plot line was involved and well thought out to be engaging for the reader, ripe with conflict and emotion. Adding some active scenes and the use of more active verbs would take this piece from good to great in a second. I really enjoyed reading from the perspective of the main character. I found her character to be believable and likeable.

If you decide to rework this piece, please feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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248
248
Review of Journey To Hell  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very nice piece about how a big family doesn't have to be a hard thing to live with, even when you marry into it. I was especially moved by this, I think, because of the fact that the marriage was an arranged marriage. I would think this could make for much more tension between the members of the family, and would have, I think, if the two getting married would have been opposed to the union.

I was pleasantly surprised by the content. The title led me to believe it would be a negative piece, but instead I was delighted to find a heart-warming tale of love and finding joy even when placed in a difficult situation. Very nice!


Suggestions

*Bullet*When my father-in-law expired suddenly due to a paralysis stroke, as the eldest son my husband had to shoulder the responsibility of supporting the family.
I stumbled on the flow of this sentence just a bit. Consider adding a comma after 'son'.

*Bullet*When my children arrived eventually, their aunts and grandmother gave them, their love and attention.
Consider removing the comma after 'them', it seems to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*This should prove the fact that living in a joint family is a blessing and not a curse provided there is human feeling between the members.
I wonder if a comma after 'curse' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this pice. It was a great showing of how preconceived notions can be proven wrong, and fulfullment can be found in unlikely places. A great read!

Happy Writing!

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249
249
Review of The Pandora  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Marcus !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting read, to say the least. The first time I read through it I was a bit confused, but on the second read I discovered I just wasn't paying good enough attention. The details of the situation are spaced out through each section and it takes some thought on the part of the reader to put it all together. I really like that. I am not one of those people who think reading should be super easy, at least not where the plot line is concerned. I enjoy having to try and figure it out.

The story progresses at a steady rate and left me intrigued to know if you plan to continue this, or if it is going to stay as a piece of flash fiction. I think you have many options here for a continuation, for sure.

I think the only drawback I found, really, was the lack of description. I found it hard to picture the area as the story progressed as I have never been anywhere near Glasgow. You may consider embellishing on the surroundings to pull the reader in a bit deeper.

I found a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... their eyes met and he wondered if she was one of them too?
As I was reading, this part seemed like more of a statement, rather than a question. I think if you changed it to a direct thought, the question mark would be appropriate. For example, 'their eyes met and he wondered, Is she one of them too?.

*Bullet*How many of them are there? He thought and how long has this been going on?
I think a comma after 'thought' would be appropriate. Also, consider using italics for direct thoughts, just to make it a bit more apparent to the reader.

*Bullet*He wondered what a chopped up by a train skateboarder would look like?
Consider using hyphens in the section 'chopped up by a train' to show the reader it is meant to be understood as a single idea. For example, 'He wondered what a chopped-up-by-a-train skateboarder would look like.' Also, same as above with the question mark. I think it would be appropriate if this was a direct thought, otherwise it is more of a retorical question, in my opinion.

*Bullet*One minute to go and he had got away with it.
I think 'got' would work smoother as 'gotten'.

*Bullet*dodging musket balls And whirling swords...
The word 'And' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very good read. I found myself interested right away. The use of showing the time in each section was great, it gave me a keener sense of how it was unfolding. As I said above, I think adding some description of the area would be great for those who have never seen the area before. If you decide to continue this story, feel free to let me know. I would love to see where it goes. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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250
250
Review of Halloween Meeting  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Revelry new writings soon !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


When I first started reading this, it felt as though it was going to be a scary story of summoning a spirit, but as the story progresses, she ends up whiling away the midnight hours just talking to him, and learning about his life. I liked how it turned out. It was like a twist all of its own.

The story moves along well for the most part. I wonder, though, if the impact on the reader would be greater if you were to show their interaction, rather than just telling the reader it happened. If you ever decide to expand upon this, it would be a great addition. I think it would allow the reader to connect with the characters on a personal basis.

The description of her was great. I had a vivid picture in my mind of what she looks like, but I wasn't really able to picture their surroundings. You tell where they are, but no specific details for the reader to picture it. Consider adding a few lines of description to show the reader the setting.

I have some suggestions regarding flow, etc. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt.
This feels like an incomplete sentence. Consider combining it with the one before it to produce a smoother flow.

*Bullet*...with his life as a world war one legend since she...
Consider using 'WWI' or capitalize 'World War One'.

*Bullet*Dropping to her knees alittle left...
I think 'alittle' should be 'a little'.

*Bullet*She lays some old correspondence between him and her great-aunt Evelyn on the ground in front of her. Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name, next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave.
This section felt a bit choppy to me. Consider changing the first period to a comma, then a period where the comma is. I think it would read a little bit smoother.

*Bullet* Minutes turn to what seems to eternity,
Consider using 'an' in place of the second 'to'.

*Bullet* Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly. Its done with her nerves on edge and heart beating fast the faint tinge of hope rising in her throat.
The sentence structure is a bit off in this section. Consider changing the first comma to a period. Then start the next sentence with 'When' and then incorporate the last two sentences into one since they are about the same subject. Also, 'Its done with her nerves on edge' section is telling rather than showing. Consider using more active verbs instead. Show the reader she is nervous with physical signs; heart thundering in her ears, sweaty palms, etc. You may find the reader has a stronger reaction to her emotions.

*Bullet*The change to his perspective is done in the middle of a paragraph of her perspective. Consider giving it its own paragraph to show the difference between them more clearly.

*Bullet*Make-up covers her arms, neck and face, in vibrant hues...
I don't think you need the comma before 'in'.

*Bullet* "No. Not Evelyn. Just a...distant relative.
No need for the quotation mark on this since it is a thought.

*Bullet* She's not as beautiful as Evelyn he muses as she lays on the ground starring at the stars above but he can see the resemblance.
I think 'he muses' should have commas surrounding it. Also, 'starring' should be 'staring'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. I really like the story line and would love a chance to get to know the characters a little bit better through seeing their interaction with one another. If you decide to edit or change this piece, feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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