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Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
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Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
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Horror
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Short Stories, Chapters
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Poetry
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I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
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201
Review of mercenary  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was definitely an interesting read. One quick question, just out of curiosity. Are you planning to make this an article, or is it the basis for something else? It seems to me that this subject would allow for quite a bit of exploration, for sure.

The tone you use to convey the information about Mercenaries was full of energy. I could feel the conviction behind the words, the desire the author had to make people understand the subject from their perspective. The arguments presented all had great merit. I could definitely see how soldiers and ex-law enforcement could find themselves living as a mercenary if they feel they have been discarded by the very country or community for which they risked their life over and over.

I believe that adding some facts in with this would create an even heavier impact on the reader. For those of us who have family and friends that served, it is easy to see that the statements in this piece are true, but for those who have never been around such people, it may not be as understandable. I think that if you were to add some actual statistics to this, it would have a larger impact on those people.

I could easily detect the emotion in this piece. Because it came directly from the author's perspective, it was felt strongly through the sentence structure and use of personal references. If creating this as an opinion piece, that is definitely a good thing. It draws the reader in on a more basic level, reaching out to their emotions for understanding.

I have some technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*You use the semicolon quite frequently through this. Semicolons should be used when linking two dependent sentences which are connected by the same idea. I found some areas in this where they were used when not necessary. A few quick examples, just to show you what I mean:

They arrive; like you and I, mere babes.
Here, a comma would suffice because it is only one sentence.

Only time will show whether their choices in life will bend and sway; sending them along the path where the label mercenary will be the defining persona of who they may be.
Here, the semicolon actually cuts off the sentence because 'sending them along...' is a part of the previous sentence. A comma would do nicely in its place.

*Bullet*The end punctuation is missing on the second paragraph.

*Bullet*But for many its survival.
The word 'its' should be 'it's'.

*Bullet*Trained, skilled in such ways that the general public, have or wish not to fully know or understand.
Consider rephrasing this just slightly to increase the flow. The area 'have or wish not to fully know or understand' doesn't quite work because when you removed 'or wish not to', which is an added element, the sentence doesn't make sense. Consider something like, 'skilled in such ways that the general public have no wish to know or understand.'

*Bullet* For me; I see that once their time whether it be within the military or law enforcement draws to an end.
The structure is just a bit off here. When I read this out loud it doesn't quite make sense. Consider, 'For me, it is when their service for the military or law enforcement draws to an end.'

*Bullet* Its here, that choices are made.
The word 'Its' should be 'It's'. Also, the comma before 'that' is unnecessary.

*Bullet*...skills of little use with in the general society?
I believe that 'with in' should be 'within'.

*Bullet*The use by date now marked expired.
I'm not sure if this is just a difference in how I say things, but I had to read this sentence over a few times to understand it. Perhaps 'best before date' would make it a little clearer?

*Bullet* Many choose the path for they have no other way , no longer able to fit back in the general population.
Consider adding 'they' before 'no longer', as well as using a semicolon in place of the comma.

*Bullet*They do not know or are unable to step back in the general community..
I stumbled here a bit. Consider, 'They do not know how, nor are they able, to step back into the general community.'

*Bullet*... with all its conortations.
The word 'conortations' has an 'r' where it shouldn't be.

In Conclusion

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was intense and compelling, and I think that with some editing to improve the flow, it will be an amazing read. Thank you for sharing this. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
202
202
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya,~WhoMe???~ !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow, the images and poems used to create these images are truly gorgeous. Each cNote contains its own wonderful message, allowing the sender to say what they want to with the words of the wonderful poets you have included. To be quite honest, I lost myself a bit as I went through each one. I found each one either brought someone special to me to my mind, or a special time in my life. Either way, I did a whole lot of thinking and remembering. *Smile* It is an easy thing to see that you spent a lot of time in preparing these images in order to convey heartfelt messages to the recipients.

I found the cost of the cNotes very reasonable, especially considering how effective they are. Extremely well done. I really liked the multi-colored wording, as well. It flowed with the images of the flowers very nicely to create a beautiful, complete message, both in meaning and visual perception.

I will most definitely add this to my favorites for future use. Thank you very much for going to the work to provide such beautiful cNotes for the WDC community. *Smile*

Happy Writing and Creating!

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203
203
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was a really good read. The narrative tone was gentle and sorrowful, a deep regret present right from the beginning. I love how you began the history of the cottage so far back. Each generation placed their mark on the place, granting it a certain 'perfect' quality, as though only good things could happen there. The time he and Caroline spent there was told in a magical way, allowing me to see just how special she had been to him.

I found there to be a cadence to this as I read, a slow building of events to that last moment when realization dawns of what had happened to Caroline. I could feel his pain as he accepted the turn of events. I don't want to give it away in the review, just in case, but I found the ending very emotional. It wrapped up the feelings that built over the course of the story in a realistic manner, though I could shake the sense of sadness even after I finished reading. A very effective piece. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*She only had eyes for me and I was putty in her hands.
I think there should be a comma before 'and' because it is a coordinating conjunction used to connect two independent clauses.

*Bullet*I could see the cottage had been neglected for some time so it didn’t bother me at all I was trespassing.
I believe there should be a comma before 'so'.

*Bullet*This was my chance to tell Caroline everything I’d never been able to say and I wanted to be alone when I said goodbye to her.
A comma before 'and' for the same reason as above.

Overall

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was nicely written, compelling, and emotional. I know the character development was spot on just for the fact that I reacted to the main character's emotions. I look forward to reading your work again. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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204
204
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Angel !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: I enjoyed reading this poem. There was some very raw emotion expressed in this piece with the use of rhetorical questions, and I was immediately drawn to that. I read it over about three times all at once. I think you are right, it flows a lot like a song. *Smile*

Tone & Mood: The tone revealed the emotion behind this piece very well. I found the lines to come out like statements rather than questions, showing confusion, or perhaps an inability to accept the heartache. It reflected the content very well.

Emotional Impact: I could feel the pain in this poem. I remember well this sort of pain, the feeling as though life just lost all meaning. There was a hint of bitterness, and I found it was just enough for me to feel how raw the emotion was.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The rhyming sequence seemed great to me. I didn't notice anything off in that area. The flow was really good, as well. Each stanza worked into the next, allowing a constant flow of content. I think the short stanzas worked nicely to enhance the tempo.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*How come it hurts that your not there,
The word 'your' should be 'you're'.

*Bullet*Consider a period at the end of stanza two, and again at the end of five. For me, it seemed as though they were the ending spots for the phases of the poem.

*Bullet*Show me you’ll be here for me forever,
When I was reading this out loud, it seemed to flow a bit smoother with the next line when I removed 'for me'.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed this piece. The emotion came through clearly, allowing the reader to be able to understand, relate, and identify with the pain of the narrator. Well done. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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205
205
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, Jeff !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a fun read. I remember this prompt well. I sat and struggled for an idea for hours before giving up. This was an original and entertaining take on it, for sure. *Smile*

The tone suited the main character's mood very well. It showed his frustration that he never got his wishes, and then his agitation as his wish came true for someone else. It was funny how he was all for the karma when he thought it would get him his own wish the next year, right up until the wish he made for his friend turned out so well. I couldn't help but laugh when he decided it probably took up all the luck he'd been saving for the past ten years. A perfectly cranky thing to think. *Wink*

The ending line was perfect. It summed up his frustration well, while maintaining the humor of the situation.

Suggestions

I found no errors in this piece. I have no suggestions for improvement.*Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a great piece of flash fiction. The character's mood and temperament come through nicely, and the sentence structure reflects his personality. Well written and entertaining.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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206
206
Review of Harry's Prairie  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was a cute story. The characters of Katie and Harry were likeable and realistic. I found myself drawn to their personalities easily. Harry's love of wildflowers and native grasses was really well done. I could feel his excitement as he planted them, and then again on the trip home as he looked forward to re-seeding his lawn with native vegetation. Ah, I couldn't help but laugh when Fred stated that he had helped Harry with his weed problem. The look on Harry's face was priceless. His character was too nice, though, to do anything about it, I'm sure. Poor guy.

The story progressed really nicely from beginning to end. Active scenes were used to move the story line along while keeping the reader interested. The exposition was laced through the dialogue and narrative well to educate the reader without a chunk of just exposition. I liked that. It kept the flow intact and allowed the story to move as quickly as it needed to.

The use of the prompt words was smooth. They were all placed well to flow with the sentences without seeming forced. I have to admit, I was with Katie on wondering what xeric meant, but the content in which you placed it supported it well. I think even those of us that don't know the word before reading this could decipher its meaning from the way you used it.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Harry whispered. his face was so white...
The word 'his' should be capitalized.

Otherwise, I found no errors in this piece. *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was an engaging story with believable characters. It flowed well, producing a smooth and effortless read. I enjoyed the humor, as well. Thanks for sharing!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
207
207
Review of Katie's Christmas  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Amay !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a wonderful story of love and hope. The progression as Katie went from being unemployed, depressed, and hopeless, to her find of generosity from an anonymous source was good. It told the reader how hard life was for her, and let the reader understand that she turned to her faith in her time of need and her needs were answered. It was an inspiring progression of events, and it speaks of the true spirit of the Christmas season.

Katie's personality was shown well. Her refusal to let anyone see her cry demonstrated inner strength, and the fact that she found her peace at the church was a great way to show just how wonderful the love of God is. The message was strong, clear, and thought provoking. Well done.

The only thing that took away from the read for me was the tendency to tell the story to the reader. The use of lines such as, 'She was perplexed', and the continual use of passive words such as 'had', 'was', and 'were' don't allow the reader to 'see' what is happening directly, but rather tells the reader what is happening. This leads to understanding, but not necessarily to experiencing the story and emotions for oneself. For a much better explanation, check out this link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voice_(grammar). I believe that using the active voice a bit more often through this would increase the impact of the message.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Then she lucked up and found a job...
I think 'lucked up' should be 'lucked out'.

*Bullet* Then she lucked up and found a job in the mill, making the fabric that went on the furniture, needless to say, she’d gotten an envelope there too.
Consider breaking this into two sentences. The second starting with 'Needless to say'. I believe it would flow a touch smoother.

*Bullet*Katie packed up her few belongings, and started that long walk to the door.
The comma here is unnecessary because there is only one independent clause.

*Bullet*After all, it was more that baby Jesus had.
I believe the word 'that' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*Katie’s boys ran over to her ready to go home.
There should be a comma after 'her' to show that 'ready to go home' is referring to the boys, rather than the 'her' it directly follows.

*Bullet*We told him, that you had worked and worked,...
No comma before 'that'.

*Bullet*She went to her desk and took out a clean envelope, and placed all but three of the bills inside.
Consider replacing the first 'and' with a comma to promote a smoother flow.

*Bullet*She got up and put the envelope on the offering table and left the church ready to start a new year with a new beginning of hope and joy in her heart.
Consider replacing the first 'and' with a comma. Also, a comma after 'church' would be appropriate.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved the story line in this piece. There was a large offering of hope, love, understanding, and compassion. Katie's faith and perseverance really paid off and allowed for her to have a bright future to look forward to with her sons. Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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208
208
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece held constant with Lou's personality. His thoughts granted insight into the case, as well as his growing feelings for Gloria. The relationship between the two seems to be progressing well, becoming more pronounced in each story. I find their interaction sweet. They are both uncertain and unwilling to make a move, and it provides a cute relationship between them.

The plot line in this was pretty involved, and I liked that you didn't reveal everything to the reader as it evolved. I was holding my breath when he busted into the judge's chambers, wondering how he expected to arrest them both. When he called the others in, I realized that it must of been Smith he was talking to on the phone.

The ending wrapped up the situation well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*They could have plugged you when you showed up at the place, They‘re toying with you, Zeke.
The comma after 'place' should be a period.

*Bullet*I looked at the judge's name. Judge Gerald Casey was listed as presiding judge, and Judge William Toomey was the back-up. This had to be the case. I don't know Judge Casey, but I do know that Toomey never refused a good bribe.
There seems to be some tense confusion here. The narrative is in first person past tense, but the section, 'I don't know' is present tense. I noticed a few places like this.

*Bullet*and walk out the same way you came in here, Nobody gets past me to see the judge unless they have an appointment."
The comma after 'here' should be a period.

*Bullet*that pillar has a big crack in it judge.
Need a comma before 'judge'.

*Bullet* I told him it was going to be hard to find someone we can trust,...
The word 'can' should be 'could' to maintain tense.

*Bullet*ah, yes judge, good work. Sure, my man is in place, it will be easy judge.
The word 'judge' should have a comma before it because it is being used as an address.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Another good read! I enjoy Lou and his unique personality. I look forward to seeing what he gets into next. Thanks for the read! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
209
209
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Showering Dutchessbarbie. !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I apologize that it has taken me so long to come back to review this piece. I have no excuse, either, except a bad memory. *Blush*

This is a good letter. You sure do have a lot of expectations for yourself, but they are great ones. Each and every goal in this letter will work toward the main goal of making you a stronger, more confident writer. *Smile*

My only suggestion for you, other than one technicality below, is to give yourself reasons why you will do all of these things. I think adding the cause of your desire would serve as motivation and encouragement to you when you read it again, especially if you are feeling less than happy about your accomplishments up to that point.

Suggestions

*Bullet* However, I would be also doing at least double that number from the rest of the members.
I think you are missing the word 'be' after 'also'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this is a good letter. I wish you luck in completing the tasks you have set for yourself. I am sure you will do well. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
210
210
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Angel !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


First of all, I have to say that this is one really intense piece of flash fiction. The elements for a great story are all there, and I think you could definitely continue this into a longer story if you wanted to. You set the mood very well with the intense narrative tone, allowing the reader to become caught up in the action right away. Another great point is that it starts in the midst of the action, and that intrigues the reader straight off.

There are a few things that hamper the read a bit, and I think if you are willing to edit this a bit, you could end up getting some very good reviews and ratings on this piece. One of the main things is that having all the dialogue and narrative in the same paragraph makes it hard for the reader to follow easily, and provides a read with work. I am going to take the first part and separate it up to show you how different it is when it's not all crammed together. I will email that to you. *Smile*

I have some technical suggestions, mainly typos and punctuation. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*I went flying through the tree's feeling the wind choke me, but I could not stop.
The apostrophe in 'tree's' doesn't need to be there. It should be 'trees'. Next, instead of 'feeling the wind choke me', which 'tells' the reader what is happening, consider 'showing' what it feels like. For example,
I went flying through the trees, my throat burning from the sensation of the wind as it choked me, but I dared not stop.
Do you see the difference? This way, the reader actually 'feels' the sensation of being choked.

*Bullet*“Your going to regret this!”
The word 'Your' should be 'You're'. When you are saying 'you are' then the apostrophe and 'e' are necessary.

*Bullet*“You know there after you right?”
The word 'there' should be 'their'.

*Bullet* “Yes, I know. Don't remind me”
Just missing a comma before the end quote mark.

*Bullet*“There closer!!!!!!!!”
The word 'there' should be 'they're'. Also, only one exclamation point is needed. The extra will only distract the reader without showing any higher stress level. I know it works in email and chat, but in written stories it is not useful.

*Bullet* as I pulled my sward from my sheath.
The word 'sward' should be 'sword'. Also, consider 'the sheath'.

*Bullet*...turned into ont of the big black...
The word 'ont' should be 'one'. Just a typo. *Wink*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this is a really good story, and I really think that some editing will get you the reviews and ratings it deserves. If you do decide to edit, let me know. I would love to re-evaluate this piece accordingly. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
211
211
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The voice of Lou Ryan has been very well developed to show his personality. I could hear him as I read this, and I found his point of view very entertaining. You have done a nice job matching the speech patterns and the wording of this time period.

I liked how this piece referenced the other story, "One Busy Night in Chicago". It sparked my memory of his and Gloria's first meeting, which allowed for the ending of this piece to be even more sweet. As he was buying the perfume, the reader sees well how he is smitten with her.

The way this case unfolded was consistent and understandable. I could follow the events easily, and the descriptions enhanced the dialogue and the run in with Lenny. Lou Ryan shows that he has a soft heart by helping Estelle with her problem without letting her husband know. Well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Maybe I'm looking into to the wrong person's business.
I think there is an extra 'to' in this sentence.

*Bullet*...and I won't let you destroy him or me.
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*"Well, hello, Lou. Long time no see, ehh?
Missing end punctuation.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. I see you have another Lou Ryan case in your port, and I look forward to reading that one as well. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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212
212
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, The warlock !

I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting for us to read and review. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

Short, sweet, and to the point. I like it. The message is powerful, perhaps even more so because it is so short. A true declaration of everlasting love. The essence of love was shown with the use of the flower of love, a flower that can never die. It shows that the love you have also will never die. Very nice.

I love the following linea:

With steadfast cores,
My love shall forever be yours.


A strong, meaningful statement. It gave me little chills to think about it. Well done.

The flow was really nice through this, and I found the words chosen carefully for the rhyming sequence so that it didn't feel forced. There was one line that felt off, perhaps a little too long:

Shall not die whatsoever.

I stumbled a bit over this. It feels like it's a syllable too long. However, I can't think of anyway to change it and still maintain the message.

All in all, this was an enjoyable piece that I am sure many will be able to relate to. The subject of love never gets boring, especially when written with such a heartfelt tone. *Wink* Great work!

Happy Writing!

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213
213
Review of Hey, You!  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Rose Praying for Peace !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: A very powerful piece. I was captured right away with the use of meaningful repetition and great tone. How true this piece is. So many out there do so much for others that they neglect themselves. This is a great message to send to them, to care for themselves before it's too late. Well done.

Tone & Mood: The tone was demanding but not aggressive. I found myself compelled to read on. This was one of those 'aha!' pieces where you keep nodding your head as you go, and at the end, you realize it's talking directly to you.

Emotional Impact: I found myself taken back by this. I was nodding along as I read, until I realized this was a problem I was having just a few weeks ago. I ended up in the doctor's office because I was too busy taking care of my mom through her surgery, and not spending any time to take care of me. This piece made me realize how important it is to take care of yourself. After all, if you don't take care of yourself, then you eventually won't be able to take care of anyone else.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The flow was great. I can't say I noticed a rhyming sequence or form, but there was certainly no lack because of it. It flowed well when I read it out loud.

Suggestions:

The only thing I noticed was some improper spacing between words and punctuation, but that could be formatting, too. Otherwise, I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a great read. I just love poems that can deliver a strong, meaningful message while maintaining a great flow. You have definitely done that here. Great work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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214
214
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

Due to the fact that there are several different scene breaks in this piece, I thought it might be helpful if I gave you my impressions as the story progresses.

The first scene was intense. It was a great introduction to Graziella's personality, as well as her emotional state. It was evident that she had fallen for a man who didn't feel the same way, and finding out that her best friend was dating him was the last straw. I found her personality well developed, really, in such a short section. I learned about her past, and a showing of her inner strength was given at the end of the section with her determination to move on. Well done.

There was a lot of emphasis put on Graziella's feelings towards their marriage moving along so quickly, and I could feel her pain easily. You did a really great job with her personality. She feels like a real person to me already. I also noticed a couple of small hints in this part, but since I haven't finished the story, I'm not sure if they actually mean anything. The fact she didn't know about his heart problem or his brother tells me something is off because the two of them spent a lot of time together, and I think that would have come up. I'm eager to read on.

The memories were intense! Wow, their relationship was much closer than I thought in the beginning. This section was a great way to show the relationship as it progressed. It drove home why her emotions were so intense. Very good addition. Also, loved the use of different colors to show the definition between scenes. It worked nicely.

Ah, I loved the ending. It was one of those, 'Awww! How sweet' endings that leaves you all fuzzy and contented with love. Very nice.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Two months ago, she told Monique about a guy named Chris, that she has fallen in love with.
The section 'that she has fallen in love with' feels off for this sentence. The tense changes with the use of 'has'. Consider something like, 'that she fell in love with'. Also, there is no need for a comma before 'that'.

*Bullet* Her best friend said they were dating and she seemed to be falling for him.
Consider using a comma before 'and' because it is being used as a coordinating conjunction in a compound sentence.

*Bullet*...drying her tears as she made up her firm decision.
Consider removing 'up'. It feels like extra in this sentence.

*Bullet*her throat dry, stomach tied into knots and tears threatening to fall anytime.
I think a comma before 'and' would be appropriate because this is considered a list of actions.

*Bullet*but you've only known each other for more than three months...
This statement seems off to me. 'More than three months' could be anything, and it seems to me they have known each other for 'barely' three months.

*Bullet*She didn't even know about Chris' heart ailment and even his brother.
The use of 'even' twice in the same sentence feels repetitive. Consider 'or his brother'.

*Bullet*And I'm just here, grieving on my own." she said to herself...
The period at the end of this dialogue should be a comma because it is followed by a direct tag - he/she said. There are a few places like this.

*Bullet*then you suddenly punch the lights out of him."
This part feels off. Consider, 'then you suddenly punched his lights out.'

*Bullet*I don't remember that but I bet it had been hilarious!"
The part 'it had been hilarious' doesn't quite go with this part. Consider, 'it had to be hilarious', or, 'it was hilarious'.

*Bullet*She already knew that Chris is the groom but she had to pretend she doesn't.
There is a bit of tense confusion throughout this. This is one example. 'She already knew' and 'she had to pretend' are past tense, while 'is the groom' and 'she doesn't' are present. You may want to smooth it into one tense so the reader doesn't become confused.

*Bullet*"I guess it can't be help then.
The word 'help' should be 'helped'.

Overall

All in all, a wonderful love story. There was a bit of a twist, and it was handled nicely. You did a really good job portraying her emotions and reactions in a realistic way for the reader to be able to relate to them and feel bad for her. If you decide to edit, feel free to let me know. I would love to come back and re-evaluate this piece accordingly.

Happy Writing and Happy WDC Anniversary!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
215
215
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Prosperous Snow celebrating !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a wonderful acrostic. I just love reading acrostics that can blend a smooth rhythm with a great message. *Smile*

Tone & Mood: The effective use of tone in this piece allowed me to feel the thanks being expressed in this piece. The little things were shown in this piece, allowing for a soft, homey feel to the piece. Very nice.

Emotional Impact: The fact that this piece focused on the small things, like eating turkey soup on Black Friday, and nuts waiting in a dish were great in setting the atmosphere and allowed me to reflect on just what I am thankful for. I loved the line, 'Giving change to bell rings in the mall' because it is such a great showing of a thankful and giving spirit.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The flow of this piece was great. I read it out loud a few times and found it smooth each time. The words flowed off my tongue easily.

Suggestions:

I have absolutely no suggestions for this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A wonderful read. Thank you for sharing this piece with all of us! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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216
216
Review of Fate Chapter 1  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

I enjoyed reading this first chapter. The story line that was revealed through the use of tarot cards contained many areas for development and growth for Connie. She is young to be left alone to fend for herself, and it will undoubtedly be very hard for her given that psychic abilities are viewed as witchcraft in this story. This allows for a lot of different possibilities. Well done.

The narrative tone was telling of Connie's emotions. At times, it felt almost like she was emotionless, but after reading it a couple of times, I see that it was actually her hiding her emotions, trying to be strong. This is a great way to begin the development of her personality, as well as show her inner strength.

I have two main suggestions which I believe would increase the level of reader involvement in this story. Consider expanding on the descriptions, both of the area they are in, as well as the characters themselves. I found it a little difficult to visualize the scene as it unfolded. Also, consider using the senses to involve the reader. Using touch, smell, and sound can make the reader feel as though they are part of the events, rather than watching them.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*I felt a deep-set resentment, no more like a feeling of betrayal.
Consider creating more of a pause after 'no' so that it is apparent that it is an interjection. For example,I felt a deep-set resentment. No, more like a feeling of betrayal.

*Bullet*“You will suffer and make many a decisions,...
I think the 'a' is misplaced in this sentence.

*Bullet*“I need not luck.” Mother said.
I think the period at the end of 'luck' should be a comma because it is followed by a direct tag.

Overall

All in all, I think you have a great start to an interesting novel. I am intrigued by the story line, and believe it will result some intense situations for Connie. Great luck with this. I hope to come by again soon to continue the read. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
217
217
Review of Color My World  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, warriormom!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: I really enjoyed reading this poem. I have suffered from depression for many years, and I found this piece expressed what it feels like to feel trapped behind a curtain of dark emotions very accurately.

Tone & Mood: The tone in this piece was soft and regretful, setting the mood well for the emotions presented. There was a definite sense of loss in this, a grief for something lost that the narrator is unable to get back.

Emotional Impact: As you can guess, this really sunk in for me. I can't list how many times I have felt just like this, as though it is impossible to reclaim the happiness once felt. Not only that, but the happiness that is available, but that one is unable to grab hold of.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: As you indicated at the bottom of the poem, a nonet is not meant to have a rhyming scheme, really. It is more important to obtain a smooth flow and effective use of imagery. You have done that here, for sure. I read this aloud several times and found the flow consistent each time. The flow of the sentences worked out very nicely, allowing a smooth read. I found the words were chosen well to compliment the flow and content at the same time.


Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. The use of grey for the main content complimented the meaning of the poem well, as did the rainbow of colors for a few choice words. It conveyed the image of seeing the color beyond the veil of grey effectively. The use of imagery in this piece was wonderful, and added yet another level of intensity. I look forward to reading your work again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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218
218
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya,Jeff !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a fun read. The first person point of view was used well to show the personality of the main character through his thoughts and experiences. I found the narrative tone used well to support his personality, as well as set a 'feel-good' kind of mood.

The story progressed at a good pace, and the ending allowed for the character to find himself. It came around to the conclusion smoothly and left me feeling content with how it worked out for him. Well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*I never graduated from college, barely graduated from high school, and was either a spectacular failure or an unremarkably mediocre and just about every job I’ve ever held down.
The construction of the second part of this sentence caused me to stumble. I'm not sure if mediocre is being used as a noun, or if there are some words improperly placed. Also, the ending 'and just about every job I've ever held down' doesn't quite jive with what comes before it.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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219
219
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an immensely entertaining story. The narrative tone captured Lou's personality very well, and the sentence structure followed his pattern of speech perfectly. The piece as a whole was set into the time period nicely, producing a vivid image for the reader. I feel like I got the chance to understand Lou a bit through his internal thoughts and reaction to Gloria. He came across as gruff, but caring - always a great combination for a lead character.

The first section captured my interest right away by introducing the conflict early. I don't think I could have quit reading if I had to after hearing Gloria say Vinny would kill her if he found her. Great hook to pull the reader in.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. I found the action scenes well explained and detailed, allowing for me to see the scene as it unfolded in my minds eye. The descriptions of the characters were just enough to give the reader an image without going into so much detail that it slowed the progression of the story line. I found their actions realistic and believable. Also, the pace of the story remained constant right to the end. Well done.

I have a couple of technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet* Hi, I am Lou Ryan I am a small time private investigator...
I think there should be some punctuation after 'Lou Ryan' to produce a smoother flow. Or, you could consider something like, Hi, I am Lou Ryan, a small time private...

*Bullet*She said it was too early for their date, when she arrived so she decided to take a little stroll around the area.
The comma here is not needed because 'when' is a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet* He had been on trial for various money laundering, and gambling offenses.
I don't think you need the comma before 'and' because this is not a compound sentence and the subject remains the same.

*Bullet*I didn't want to disturb the dame she looked so peaceful, but this is some serious business about to come down.
I think there is a bit of tense confusion here. The words 'this is' indicates present tense, rather than the past tense used in the story.

*Bullet*This is not a good sign.
Same thing here. I think 'Not a good sign' would suffice without the 'This is'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I loved reading this piece. It was well written, the narrative tone and sentence structure were reflective of Lou's personality, and there didn't seem to be a dull moment throughout the entire piece. It kept me reading from beginning to end. Well done. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
220
220
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was a very thought provoking piece. After finishing it the first time, I found myself sitting and thinking for quite some time on how life can be strange sometimes. This was one of those 'small world' encounters, where you are left nearly speechless by the shock of the situation.

I enjoyed how you placed her grandfather's advice at the end. It wrapped up the encounter, showing well how it had affected her. Very nice.

Janet's personality was developed for such a short piece. Her thoughts spoke of a desire for advancement within her workplace, and to be out in the dark alone was very showing of her inner strength. She was so determined to become something that she was willing to take the risk of placing herself into a potentially dangerous situation.

I was a bit surprised when they recognized each other. The way he was blocking her built up some tension, and I found my mind instantly assumed there would be trouble. I enjoyed the twist.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion is to describe the smells without referring to 'smell' or 'scent'. I find it creates a more vivid experience if the 'telling' words are left out.

I found no errors in punctuation, spelling, or grammar. *Thumbsup*

Overall

I really enjoyed this piece. It was very well written, the narrative tone was compelling and intense, Janet's character was realistic, and to top it off, it provoked some deep thought. Well done. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
221
221
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Happy Spring !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a touching story. What a dream to have, though, for sure! The narrative tone was great. It reflected the woman's thoughts and feelings very well, allowing the reader to feel like a part of the story. I really enjoyed how this played out. As a mother, I felt so thankful for the character that the girls decided to offer to do the Thanksgiving dinner. What better way to show your mom how much she means to you, and to show appreciation for all the years she did all the work!

I have a couple technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*My husband was still sleeping and I quietly went into the kitchen and poured some coffee.
I think there should be a comma before 'and' because it is being used to join two independent clauses.

*Bullet*But Won't it be a bit much for you though,
The word 'won't' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the use of 'but' and 'though' together seems a bit too much. Consider starting the sentence with 'Won't'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable read. The story flowed well and was a great showing of how our children can do something as simple as offering to cook dinner and somehow make up for all the years of missing thank you's. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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222
222
Review of The Only One  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very good read. In the beginning you state this is something you would like to develop, and I really think you should. It definitely feels like the beginning of a novel. When I reached the end of what there was here, I was disappointed. That is a very good sign. *Smile*

The beginning of the character development was very well done here. There is a lot of story regarding their lives before this encounter, as well as how they will manage to find the other shifters and save them from themselves. I have always been intrigued with shifters, and this piece has definitely captured my interest. There are several areas with room for development, for sure.

The attraction between Dylan and Jayden was very well done. There were many levels of emotional connection between them. The sensuality was a soft showing of the physical attraction between them, but beyond that there was a connection between two people who had never known another that could understand them. Jayden received comfort from Dylan, a comfort which is apparent she hadn't experienced before. A whole lot worth exploring, in my opinion.

I really enjoyed the physical descriptions of these two, both in human and animal form. I had no problem creating a visual of them in my mind. Also, the action as they fought in animal form was intense and vivid. Well done.

Suggestions

The only thing that detracted from the smoothness of this piece was the comma usage. I didn't keep track of each instance because I'm sure you will be able to pick them out yourself. If you want me to go through and jot them down, let me know, I would be more than willing to.

For the most part, I noticed commas being used in front of 'as' when it is being used as a subordinate conjunction when it wasn't necessary and seemed to disrupt the flow. I think I have touched on that in previous reviews for you, though, so I won't bore you with the details.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Congratulations on your placing in Spectacular Speculations. I am not surprised as I found this to be an incredible read. I do hope you expand on this, and if you do, please let me know. I would be interested in reading it, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
223
223
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya,Prosperous Snow celebrating !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


When I saw this was about a ninth daughter, I couldn't resist taking a peak. It is a superstition I find very interesting. *Smile* Ah, I wasn't at all disappointed. This was a fun read. Just the fact that someone who is, in fact, a superstition based on being the ninth daughter who isn't superstitious was a great spin on this piece. I found the narrative voice clear, crisp, and full of personality. I could hear the voice in my head clearly. The sentence structure supported the mood very well.

The story of how she learned to leave superstition behind was great. The poor kid who had to go through the broken bones, but an effective lesson, none-the-less. *Wink*

I found a couple of minor typos, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...from the moment I accepted to omen as being true,...
I think the word 'to' was meant to be 'the'.

*Bullet*The very last line has a repetition of the phrase 'so I can go back to work'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you for sharing this entertaining piece. I look forward to reading more of your work, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
224
224
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, George R. Lasher !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


With pieces this length, especially books, I usually comment as I go. However, I got caught up in this story and didn't realize I was passing from section to section until I hit the end. So, my comments will be on the whole.

The narrative tone in these chapters was clear and intense. I read along with ease, and found myself involved in the story quickly. The sentence structure worked well to set a suspenseful mood through most of the story. I really enjoyed Damien's personality. He wasn't like one would expect a rock star to be, really. Oh, he had the air of importance that comes with fame, but he was down to earth enough to listen to his friends and at least consider what they were saying.

The dialogue between the characters was very good. Each person spoke with their own 'voice', showing the differences in personality and making it easy to distinguish between speakers without needing a whole lot of tags. Very nice.

The story flowed really well. Each section left off with a bit of a hook to pull the reader on. It worked very well, as I can attest to, since I didn't notice I was passing through without commenting. *Blush* Going back through it a second time, though, I can see how you added a bit of suspense at the end of each section to keep it going.

There were quite a few different characters in this, but I didn't find myself confused at all. Each new character was introduced well, and I had no problem at all giving each of them a distinct physical appearance in my mind. The descriptions of the areas they passed through were good as well. The scene at the end when he almost hit the cyclist was vivid, and his response to the situation told me that The Book has had an effect on him.

So far, the basis of The Book, and the information that goes with it seems very realistic and believable. It seems eerie just how easy it would be for there to be such a thing that would be able to maintain the balance between good and evil. Creepy, but possible.

I found a few spots for which I have technical suggestions. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*and an expression that begged, Leave me alone
Just missing a period on the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*rubbing his hands together in anticipation like a kid on Christmas morning with one big present under the tree.
Consider placing a comma after 'anticipation' to increase the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*Francois stared at the succession of zeroes following the number, one, and sputtered,
I'm not completely sure on this, but I don't think you need the commas surrounding the word 'one'. At first, it confused me as to what the sentence was actually saying.

*Bullet*Three out of each hundred would mean thirty out each thousand...
There is a missing 'of' after the second 'out'.

*Bullet*...in Damien's red and black Bugatti Veyron, Delaflote insistented,...
I believe 'insistented' should be 'insisted'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this. The characters were realistic, the story line was compelling, and the narrative tone carried me through easily. I look forward to reading more of this book. You have me hooked. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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225
225
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya Alexia Wynd !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was soft and flowing, with an eerie undertone. I could feel that something was coming for the boys, though what didn't become apparent until later on. The woman was well described. I found I could see her easily in my mind. So petite, yet so very powerful. The mood was set very well through the use of sentence structure and suspenseful actions. The way Nicoli turned back and forth was a great way to introduce her arrival. It surprises the reader, which is always a good thing in this genre.

The dialogue between the boys felt natural and believable. The only thing I felt you could have expanded on a bit was the descriptions of their expressions as they moved through the forest. There were a few times when they stopped and looked at each other, waiting to hear something, and I think it would have been a bit more suspenseful if the reader could see whether they were scared or not.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*He turned his head to the side. The others stopped after a few more steps and turned to Peter.
The use of 'turned' in both of these sentences felt just a bit repetitive. Consider using a different way to describe it the second time.

*Bullet*He gave Peter's shoulder a shove to set him moving. And they set off again.
Consider putting these two sentences together rather than starting the second with a conjunction.

*Bullet*His breath caught up in his throat.
I think 'up' is an extra word in this sentence.

*Bullet*A lean, porcelain skinned woman from within stood close to him.
I'm not sure what 'from within' is referring to.

*Bullet*The warmth of her lithe body pressed against his own and he could feel her skin beneath the thin silk of her gossamer dress.
Consider a comma before 'and' because it is being used as a coordinating conjunction to connect two independent clauses.

*Bullet*Nicoli couldn't breath,
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was a good flash into the lives of four boys who tempt fate by heading into a forest rumored to be haunted. I was very intrigued by the woman. She seemed to hold herself with such a sense of greatness, as though she had seen much in life. Have you considered delving into her character for a longer piece? By the sounds of her life span, there would be so much to explore. Just a thought. Anyway, I should quit rambling on. I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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