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2,311 Public Reviews Given
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Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
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Horror
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Short Stories, Chapters
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Poetry
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I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
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251
251
Review of Moving On  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" . I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative tone in this piece was clear and consistent. The difference in tone between the two sections was easy to distinguish, and I found the individual voices of the characters were reflective of their personalities. I felt that I got to know both Clew and Kathy fairly well, especially considering the length of the story.

Kathy's outburst was well done. I could feel her anger, as well as her passion. I had a clear visual through the entirety and found the dialogue realistic and believable.

The message in this peice was a powerful one. I really didn't expect the reason behind the materialistic loss of Kathy and her family. It took me by surprise and because of that the emotion in Kathy's outburst came across with that much more intensity. It produced an emotional response in me. Nice work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*The bright morning sun shone on the green plush lawn, and gave a stark colorful contrast to the flowers in full bloom.
This sentence seems somewhat flat compared to the ones around it. The second mention of the 'lawn' also felt repetitive as it is used in the previous sentence. Also, the use of 'stark' and 'colorful' together seems too contradictory to me. Consider using active verbs to 'show' the reader more effectively. For a quick example, The morning sunlight shone on the plush, green grass, granting a stark contrast to the blooming flowers.

*Bullet*Big clumsy Clew dismounted the truck...
I think there should be a comma after 'Big' because 'Big' and 'clumsy' are two seperate adjectives used to describe Clew. Also, consider using a different word for 'dismounted' to give the reader an idea of how he got out. Did he jump, stumble, plop? This can give the reader a better 'picture' of the scene as it transpires.

*Bullet*Reminds me of dat big house back in 2005 in Jersey
Just missing the period at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*...a strong wiry young man, carried...
Consider placing a comma after 'strong'.

In Conclusion

This was a very good read. It was well written, emotional, and compelling. Great work!

Happy Writing!

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252
252
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The opening line was a great hook to pull in the reader. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was fresh and original, and though the whole story centered around a rather creepy Christmas celebration, it felt festive and fun. I think the change over of Sam's attitude was done very well without seeming rushed or fake. Most times I would say to flesh out the party, give some of the conversations, etc. but I think this piece worked very well the way it is. Sam's perspective allowed the reader to feel what she felt throughout the piece, and I think a big part of establishing that connection was that I could relate to her initial reaction well.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and felt realistic. I could hear their individual voices well without the need for additional tags.

Suggestions:

The only thing I noticed was that the word 'had' was used a few times where it could be taken out to improve the flow without hampering the sentence meaning. This is somewhat rare for me to say, but otherwise, I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. Great work! *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was an extremely well written story about a strange, but still merry, Christmas celebration. I will recommend this to others, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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253
253
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, janice48 Have a Nice Day!!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. I found it posted in our forum along with a request for reviews, so I thought I would take a peek. *Wink*

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a beautiful dedication to the memory of your brother. You use so many examples in this of why you loved him so, and I found it very touching.

Tone & Mood: The tone was soft and loving. I feel that it set the mood well. The content seemed like a praising of what he was to you in life, and a way to express how his memory still affects you. It was clear to see how much he meant to you.

Emotional Impact: The impact of this piece on me was great. I could feel your love and devotion, the apparent respect with which you view him. It was strange, but as I read, my own brother just happened to stop by, and I found myself a bit mushier than normal. *Wink* This tells me that this piece caused me to reflect on my own relationships.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I found the rhyming sequence to be done very well. I enjoyed your word choices, they suited the content well and conveyed the emotions clearly. I am not sure about the form because I am not very knowleagable about such things, but the flow was very good. I found only a few spots where I stumbled as I read out loud. I have included them below for your consideration. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The one I held dear and I admired.

I don't think you need the second 'I' as the speaker was already established within this line. It felt a touch repetitive.

That is how our hearts will still be combined.

Consider saying 'how our hearts are still combined'. The reason I suggest this is because it felt like you were saying it was something that was yet to come, but has not actually happened yet.

For all you done for me I truly commend.

The grammar on 'all you done for me' feels off. Consider rephrazing slightly. Perhaps something like, 'For all you have done for me I truly commend.'

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this poem. It was a wonderful tribute to the memory of your brother and a great showing of how much you loved him, as well as how he affected your life. Great work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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254
254
Review of Vengeful  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece supported the mood well. I found it started off light and carefree as the younger men were described in the same light. They had the world in the palm of their hands, so to speak, with the ability to do what they wanted, when they pleased, and with whom they chose. Then, as Manu meets the neighbors and feels the sense of wrongness in their apartment, the tone changes to accomodate the new sense of fear and dark intent. Well done.

The pacing of the story was constant and easy to follow as it unfolded. I liked how you introduced Manu's dark deed from when he killed his girlfriend. It was a shock to me because his personality had been so well set as being kind and carefree from the way he reacted to the people around him up until that point. It worked as a great twist.

I have a few suggestions regarding flow and punctuation below, but I also wanted to touch on one other thing. There were a few places in this where I felt I was being 'told' the story rather than seeing it happen. Sometimes, going through with a critical eye and watching the verbs, exchanging passive verbs for active ones, can increase the 'active' feel of a story and further engage the reader. For example, using the word 'ran' tells the reader what the action is, but using 'sprinted' shows the reader how the action is being performed.

I feel you did a great job infusing this with the fear and disorientation of Manu. I found it very intense as I read through, and could feel that he knew what he had done was wrong. It was fitting that she took him with her into the darkness at the end.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Manu’s dad owns a flat in an apartment building in Lonawala,
The word 'owns' takes this sentence out of past tense into present tense. Consider using 'owned' in order to keep the tense constant.

*Bullet*The three bachelor boys in late twenties rented a sports car,
Consider placing the word 'their' after 'in' to produce a smoother flow. Also, I wonder if 'in their late twenties' should be surrounded by commas as it is a non-essential element of the main sentence.

*Bullet*All the three worked for a foreign bank
I stumbled here slightly. Consider, 'All three of them'.

*Bullet*Youth and money combined with unfettered freedom make a heady brew that goes right to the brain shooting at sense and sensibility point blank.

I feel like this sentence goes out of tense. Consider something like, 'Youth and money, combined with unfettered freedom, made a heady brew that went right to the brain, shooting at sense and sensibility point blank.

*Bullet*Hari, the watchman of the building hastened to help them with unloading baggage from the boot.
I think there could be a comma added after 'building' because 'the watchman of the building' is an added element to the sentence.

*Bullet*A sudden cold draught blew in through the tall window fluttering the silk curtain with vertical crimson lines.
Consider adding a comma after 'window' to show the seperation between 'window fluttering'.

*Bullet*Suddenly, like a panther about to pounce Rita stood up, and caught Manu’s throat in a vice-like grip with her hands.
I think the punctuation is a bit off here. Consider placing the second comma after 'pounce' and omitting the one before 'and'. I don't think it's needed because this is not a compound sentence.

*Bullet*“Ritu darling, what happened to you?”
Just a typo on 'Rita'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. I found the emotions intense and the story very compelling. A bit of time spent on polishing is all this needs to take it to the next level. Well done. *Thumbsup*

I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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255
255
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Jenna Brennan !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a powerful piece. The narrative tone was crisp and clear, and full of inner strength and courage. The description told me right away that this would be about an accident, and because of that I assumed it would be about a victim. I was wrong. You may have been a victim in a horrible accident, and suffered greatly both physically and psychologically, but you turned it around from negative to positive. I find that fact alone astonishing, as well as incredibly inspirational.

Then, you shocked me even further by presenting the story with a clear narrative voice, a great use of language, and I found myself enthralled with the read from beginning to end. Very well done. *Thumbsup*

I enjoyed the mood that this piece inspired. It made me feel strong, independent, and most of all, thankful for what I have. You have shown me that even when bad things happen, good things can come of it. Due to this accident, you were able to see what you truly wanted out of life, rather than conforming to what society wanted you to be and do. You found the love of your life, a fulfilling occupation, as well as an iron resolve to enjoy your life to the fullest.

I have a few minor suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Miraculously his betrayal led to my recovery.
I think a comma after 'Miraculously' would be appropriate because it is a disjunctive adverb which modifies the entire sentence.

*Bullet*Before the accident I did what was expected of me.
The section 'Before the accident' is an introductory phrase, so I think a comma following it is needed.

*Bullet*The old me would already be married to a respectable white Christian man whom I might like but didn't truly love,
I stumbled here slightly. I think the tense changes with the use of 'didn't' because 'I might like' is present tense. Consider something like, 'to a respectable white, Christian man whom I might have liked but didn't truly love', or, 'to a respectable white, Christian man whom I might like but not truly love'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Thank you very much for sharing this piece here on WDC. I count myself lucky that I came across it. I was reminded of a valuable lesson in life, as well as inspired by your ability to survive the odds and come out on top. This was very nicely written and infused with your personal voice, making the read emotional because it is coming from a personal level. Very nice!

I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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256
256
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

Ah, such a sweet story. It left me with a feeling of peace and happiness that the old cottage was revived in the modern day to allow families to enjoy the same wonder that Ellen felt as a child.

There was a wistful edge to the narrative tone, inspiring the reader to feel the sense of nostalgia which is present in the woman's words and behavior as she walks through the old cottage. It set a great mood for the reader as the story unfolded.

The story unfolded well. It was paced nicely to allow the reader time to absorb the imagery as well as showing how emotional the place was for Ellen. Well done. I found the dialogue flowed naturally and felt realistic.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Ingelside, the old deserted cottage, sat in what splendor it had left, at the top of the steps that led to the beach.
I don't think the comma after 'left' is needed. It seems to interrupt the flow a bit.

*Bullet*Many happy summer days had been spent by the family of the old cottage, and now the children were grown, and their children.
The flow of this sentence is a bit choppy. I think perhaps using 'were' rather than 'had been' would make it more active. Also, consider 'as were their children' instead of 'and their children' to connect it to 'and now the children were grown'.

*Bullet*Until only a few old people were left, that still remembered those...
Consider removing this comma for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*A few tears ran down her old eighty-seven year old cheeks as she remembered her youth once again.
The use of 'old' twice so close together feels a bit repetitive. Consider removing the first one.

*Bullet*Slowly Ellen moved into the old kitchen were a wooden table
I think there should be a comma after 'Slowly'. Also, 'were' should be 'where'.

*Bullet*“We could fix it up for the family Ray.”
I think there should be a comma after 'family'.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this story. It was well written to infuse the reader with the emotions felt by the characters, and it left me feeling peaceful and happy. With a bit of polish, this is going to be amazing! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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257
257
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, geniusgal !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


To be honest, I wasn't sure what to expect with this piece, but I found I was pleasantly surprised! This was a heart-felt plea to the world to reduce the frequency of sport killing. I think it was excellent that you touched on the fact that we, as humans, do kill animals, but that it should be for what we need, not what we want or desire.

I like the way you structured this. The addition of the date, addresses, and proper opening made this feel more realistic to begin with. The content was full of emotion, well stated, and interesting for me as a reader.

The introductory statement was a great way to interest the reader and pull them into the piece. You didn't go over the same material more than once, which allowed for the readers interest to be held right up to the end. Well done.

I have some suggestions regarding flow and sentence structure. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Took my grandparents, my mom, my dad, my brother.
This is not a complete sentence. This letter is written in formal format, so I think you may want to consider making this a complete sentence for the sake of consistency. Conisder something like, You took my grandparents, my mom, my dad, and my brother.

*Bullet*It would break your heart to see them dead, won’t it?
The word 'won't' should be 'wouldn't' in order to remain constant.

*Bullet*Why don’t you think how we’ll feel when we wake up to find our family missing?
I wonder if adding the word 'about' after 'think' would smooth the flow a little for this sentence.

*Bullet*What is the fun in killing a living thing- that too a living thing of such beauty, pride and ferocity.
I stumbled on the structure of this sentence a bit. I think the repetition of 'a living thing' has something to do with it. Consider something like, What is the fun in killing a living thing of such beauty, pride, and ferocity?

*Bullet*I mean I’m.
I think 'I am' would work better here. The way it is written 'I'm' tends to sound as though it is unfinished.

*Bullet*When’ll your greed end?
Consider using 'When will' instead of 'When'll'. It stopped my read right away because it interrupted the flow.

*Bullet*Last night one of my kind came to me with a sad story- a sad but the same story.
Consider rephrasing the second section after the hyphen just slightly. I found the flow changed. Try something like, - sad, but all too familiar.

*Bullet*When he went to the place where your lot live, they started throwing stones at him you are so cruel and stupid!
Consider ending the first sentence after 'him'. Start a new one with 'You'.

*Bullet*Why call yourselves ‘mankind’ when there is not a bit of kindness I you
Should 'I' be 'in'? Also, this sentence is a question, so it needs a question mark at the end.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an interesting read. I found the point of view of the tiger to be well presented in a believable and convincing way. With some polishing for sentence strucutre, I am confident this will be a smooth and compelling read. Good work!

Happy Writing!

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258
258
Review of A sin!  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Marcus !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The first sentence was done well to capture the interest of the reader and pull them further into the piece. It intrigued me, that's for sure.

The humor in this piece was dry and well played to show the needless death of Steph. I think there is a lot of potential for this piece to produce quite a hilarious read. The essential components of the story are definitely there, and the reasoning behind the moral is clear, but I found that I had a hard time 'seeing' the event as it transpired. Consider showing the reader what happened by recreating the scene as it happened, complete with dialogue, sensory descriptions, and details. I think you would be surprised by its affectiveness.

Suggestions

*Bullet*She had taken it from the Office Managers (Clients children only) supply box under his desk after asking Wee Neelie if that was okay.
Consider removing the information in perenthesis. It seems to be unnecessary and breaks the flow of the sentence. Also, 'Managers' should be 'Manager's'.

*Bullet*Unfortunately this proved to be the last straw for the harassed...
As far as I know, 'Unfortunately' would be considered a disjunctive adverb and should be followed by a comma.

*Bullet*Amazingly a lemon flavoured lollipop flew straight...
I think 'Amazingly' should be followed by a comma for the same reason as above.

*Bullet*Unfortunately in the rush no one noticed the lemon
Same thing here.

*Bullet*...involving all the remaining male clerks two maintenance engineers and three passers by.
I think a couple of commas would smooth this sentence nicely. Consider adding one after 'clerks' and 'engineers' to show that this is a list.

*Bullet*Again no one noticed the lollipop and by now Steph...
I think a comma after 'Again' would work well because this sentence transitions from the one before it.

*Bullet*THAU SHALL NOT STEAL
Do you mean 'Thou'?

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good start on what could prove to be a very funny situation, even though it feels a little strange to say that considering that Steph dies. Your take on the moral, 'thou shall not steal' was fresh and orginal. I believe it could be an entertaining read if some more time is spent to describe the events as they take place. If you decide to edit this please feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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259
259
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Jenna Brennan !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a delight to read. I was smiling or laughing through nearly the whole piece. Your personal voice came through very well in this through the sentence structure and inner thoughts. I loved the section where you wondered who had it worse, you or Alison. I couldn't stop laughing. Isn't it great that she got hers!

I can't say that the accident was funny in anyway, but in the same breath, it was too sweet that you could at least enjoy her discomfort a bit. *Wink*

The story moved along very well. I found the narrative to be active, compelling, and immensely entertaining. I am impressed with how much of your personality came through in this short piece. Each sentence was important and useful, with little to no useless information. Great work!

Suggestions

*Bullet* I did however form a very close relationship with the nurse call button.
I think 'however' should be surrounded by commas because it is a non-essential component of the sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a fun read. It was well written, funny, interesting, and full of personality. Thank you for sharing this piece. It shows a great inner strength that you were able to find some fun in a negative situation. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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260
260
Review of The kingdom  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N) !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was objective and distant, like a storyteller telling a story to a group of people. I liked how you managed to provide details through the use of the dialogue, rather than using thick exposition to explain the story. The narrative was active and the story moved along at a good pace.

The descriptions were good. I could see the area well as the story progressed, from the inside of the Palace, to the barren lands around it.

The personalities of the King and Queen were shown well through their dialogue with one another, as well as their actions, and their reactions to the events that transpire.

Suggestions

I think the only thing that really hampers the read of this piece is the errors in punctuation and grammar. I am not one for a whole line by line unless the author requests it, but I have provided a few examples below for you to consider. If you decide you would like a thorough edit, let me know. I am more than happy to do it, but I would hate to upset someone by offering something that is not desired.

*Bullet*The guard entered the throne room, stood in front of the King and Queen and bowed his head, “your Majesty, Seth is planning a war against your Kingdom.”
When an action comes before dialogue, the action should be followed by a period. A comma only comes before dialogue when a tag is used, such as he/she said. Also, the 'your' should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence.

*Bullet*“The King looked towards the ground, “I know, can you think of any other way than war?” sorrow filled the King’s voice.
The quotation mark in the beginning is out of place.

*Bullet*Better know what he is doing or else he will ruin the Kingdom with his foolishness.Thought the Queen.
When representing inner thoughts as internal dialogue, the 'thought the Queen' is considered a tag so a comma is used. For example, '...he will ruin the Kingdom with his foolishness, thought the Queen.

*Bullet*Just one more thing. Consider using their names more often than 'King' and 'Queen' once the names have been introduced. It will make the piece seem less formal and allow the reader to become more involved with them on an emotional level.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed this story. I love the field of fantasy, especially with something like this that also uses some modern day things, such as guns. I think this piece has a lot of potential to be a great read if some polishing is done to ease the flow of its delivery for the reader. Please let me know if you edit this, I would love to come back and re-evaluate it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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261
261
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Kalistra !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Welcome to our group, we are thrilled to have you! *Bigsmile*

I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow! I have to say, this was an amazing read! After I finished it the first time through I thought to myself, 'I want more!'. I wasn't ready for it to be over, that's for sure.

I found your use of metaphors in this very well done. I could 'feel' the void of emptiness as it shifted and changed. The sensations were introduced with active narrative and I found myself completely immersed in it. The following was my favorite part:

The sentience wraps emptiness around itself like a cloak and huddles around it in apotheosis.

What a great use of language and the senses. I could 'see' this, and I could feel it as well. Great work!

The narrative tone set a dark, yet emotional, kind of mood. For the first time in a long time, I'm having a real trouble describing it. All I can say is well done! I was captured by the first line and held captive through the entirety.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, spelling, or grammar. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was a great showing of how well one can create sensation in the reader with the use of words. It was extremely well written, compelling, and left me wanting more. What more could a reader ask for?

Happy Writing!

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262
Review of Distance  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, andrew1983

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


Tone & Mood: The tone in this piece was soft and loving, yet with an undertone of loss and sadness. It set the mood well and flowed well with the content. Very nice!

Emotional Impact: This piece really struck a chord with me. I could feel the regret, for feeling something you felt you had no right to feel, but couldn't deny. The following section was my favorite for emotional impact:

I swore I'd never fall again,
Would never love nor ever mend,
But also, never to pretend -
For now I feel I've fallen for a friend.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The rhyming sequence was consistent and right on the money, allowing for a smooth cadence. I didn't notice any areas where I stumbled as I read this out loud. Very well done. I really liked the word choices. It was clear they were well thought out to impart the proper meaning. I didn't find any unnecessary areas, it was tightly structured.

My Personal Impression: I loved reading this, but it broke my heart too. I found myself feeling a range of emotions from the joy of love, to the sense of regret felt over falling for someone that was off limits, so to speak. Very good work. I also liked how you added the information at the bottom about how it works into a song. It allowed me to see how it would be developed.

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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263
Review of REMEMBER  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Yellow Rose

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


Tone & Mood: The tone in this piece was compelling. The lines insist that one remember the pain, as well as the good of strangers helping strangers in a time of great need. The mood is sad, but there is an undertone of being proud of the people involved.

Emotional Impact: This piece hit me hard, really. Each line brought the harshness of reality front and center, and forced to me to recognize it, to understand it. I think this was great, it shows people who may have put the memories aside to remember our past and what it has cost so many.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: This was a free verse poem. It flowed well. The repetition of the word 'remember' was a nice touch, it caused me to focus on it more than I think I would have without it.

My Personal Impression: I really enjoyed reading this piece. Each line was important to the whole, and told its own story. I believe we should remember, and in so doing, perhaps have the ability to prevent such a thing in the future. If nothing else, we can honor those who have lost loved ones and survived to tell the tale. I have one small suggestion. I think the word 'echos' should be 'echoes'.

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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264
264
Review of Beauty is...  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya!

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" , thank you for posting for us to read! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

I love the concept of this poem. It was a wonderful showing of what true beauty is, not just the outward appearances, but inner beauty as well. This is shown nicely with the last line, "Beauty is whatever is right". Very nice.

I found the flow to be fairly good, but the rhythm does have some interruptions. I think some of the longer lines may be shortened to help with that. As I read it out loud I found two sections which I stumbled on. They are:

And if even attempted cannot be tamed.
Consider rephrazing this slightly. For example, 'And when attempted, cannot be tamed.

Beauty shines brightly in the forgiven
So do those a favor and forgive them.
This section just seemed very plain when compared to the rest of the piece. Consider picking it up a notch.

Beauty will last forever; an eternity.
I think this sentence would be better served by a hyphen rather than a semicolon. A semicolon should only be used to seperate two complete sentences.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed this poem. The content was wonderful and reminds us all that beauty is more than skin deep. Well done!

Happy Writing!

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265
265
Review of Live your dreams  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" . I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The narrative tone in this piece was a wonderful reflection of the main character's personality. I could 'feel' what she was feeling, and to be honest, have felt that way from time to time. I really could have smacked out Huub, though, when he said 'who else would have put up with you for 20 years'. My mouth dropped and everything. Great work!

The story flowed well. I found myself drawn to the main character through the course of this, sympathisizing with her, and feeling like yelling at the screen, 'Just get out of there!'. This tells me you were able to delve into her emotions and make them real. Awesome.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Following him, I notice I’m wringing my hands. I still them. “I’m sorry Huub, I didn’t start dinner yet.” He turns around, looking annoyed. “What? I thought it was your day off.”
Since the dialogue here is from two different people, they should each have their own paragraph. I would start the second paragraph with 'He turns around'.

*Bullet* I did actually start looking into writing though.
Just need a comma before 'though'.

*Bullet*“Well, she did almost let Corey drown in bath once.
I think the word 'the' before 'bath' would smooth this sentence a bit.

In Conclusion

A really good read! It left me feeling sorry for the woman, wishing I could make a difference in her life. So, this tells me it was realistic and believable, as well as compelling. Really good stuff!

Happy Writing!

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266
266
Review of The Ice Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" . I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The use of metaphor in this piece was powerful. The struggle against one's own mind was waged trapped within a cold lake, ice barring the path to the air and sun which give life. I very much enjoyed how this was told. I think almost everyone could relate to this at one point or another. It was the realization that his past would not come back to save him that finally gave the needed strength to take control. Very nice.

The narrative tone in this was consistent and effective. In the beginning there was only sadness, fear, and self pity, but as the piece moved along these emotions began to change. The transition was smooth and believable.

I have a few suggestions, but they are minor. I found the punctuation, spelling, and grammar all in good order. *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet* I'll reach it. I'll be free. I'll-thud
I had to re-read this to understand the last part. Consider seperating it a bit to show the thought had been cut off more clearly. For example,

I'll be free. I'll--

Thud.

If you choose to leave it as is, then it should be capitalized and needs ending punctuation.

*Bullet*...as the realization of my imprisonment becomes clearer.
I think this statement would be more powerful if you used 'clear'.

*Bullet*She continues looking down at me, her beauty both reassuring and frightening me.
Consider dropping the last 'me'. I don't think it is necessary, and I found it a bit repetitive.

In Conclusion

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. The piece moved along at a steady and believable rate. The narrative was active and compelling. Great work!

Happy Writing!

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267
267
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one of those pieces that I think everyone can relate to at one point or another in their lives. I believe that negative thoughts attract negative situations, and therefore, positive attracts positive. However, I can see your point that nothing can be all good. There must be a balance of negative in order for one to appreciate the positive when it does occur. I think the problem is that people tend to forget there must be positive to level out the negative. Once a person gives in to negative thoughts, it is far easier to think negatively than positively. I suppose it is this sort of indecision that allows the negative to overrule the positive.

I found this piece very well written and structured. I followed your thoughts easily, and they were explained well with a minimum of words. I appreciate reading these kinds of pieces because they remind me to be thankful for the little things. I find that once my mind begins reflecting over deep thoughts, it just won't stop! *Smile*

Suggestions

Absolutely none. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It is well written, appeals to the emotions, and is thought provoking to boot. Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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268
268
Review of The Ancient  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was really quite heart wrenching. The narrative tone was soft, full of regret, but there was also a deep sense of loss. A loss of more than a person, but a way of life.

The narrative was very effective in capturing my interest and leading me on to discover more. It was intense as well as informational, probably one of the only pieces of exposition that I have read and become involved in. The Prince's voice was very distinct and intelligent. I found myself caught up in 'hearing' the story, rather than reading it.

The first paragraph grabbed my attention well by introducing the humans as 'mortals', as well as stating that their downfall began immediately after their creation. The fantasy lover in me just had to know what happened.

I really liked the concept of the Ether. I find that many authors use a world between the worlds, though I do not think I have ever heard of one quite like this. It would be hell, indeed, to live each day in a continual replay of every mistake you ever made. I found it believable and intriguing.

I enjoyed the use of ellipsis in this. I think they added a level of intensity to the statements they were attached to because the reader will pause and allow the content to sink in. At least, that's what happened for me. Nice touch.

The ending paragraph left me feeling very sad for the Prince, that he must stay on Earth by himself. It is mentioned in the beginning that an elf only falls in love once, and for some reason it stuck in my mind. I am eager to read more of this, to actually meet the Ancient.

I also have to mention the imagery. I don't know how you did it, after this I will have to go back and pick it apart a bit, but I found I had a strong visual of the area around him as he followed the Ancient.

Suggestions

*Bullet*By the next spring, our works upon the Earth had earned a level of respect for not what we were, but at least for what we could do.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit and had to re-read to understand the content. Consider rephrazing a bit. The section 'a level of respect for not what we were, but at least...' was the area that stopped me. Consider swapping 'for not' to 'not for'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An extremely well written, intriguing, emotional, and compelling prologue. I have tons of questions, which tells me it was effective. A prologue should make the reader want to know what happens, and this has definitely done that for me. *Smile* Now, where's the rest? *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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269
269
Review of The Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was dark, for sure, but there was an undertone of shame and regret, as well. The man had done something he was not proud of and felt his only option was to end everything. The narrative was active and compelling. It drew me through the story, and though I was sure it would end badly already, I found myself intent to see what happened in the end. Well done.

The story itself was quick and to the point. Very little information was given about his life, though the reader does get enough to feel a flash of sympathy for him because of how he viewed his mistakes. He was ashamed, and knew he could never fix what he'd done. I think this added to the dark atmosphere of the piece by keeping the reader unsure of his motives.

One thing you may want to keep an eye on is the over use of adverbs. I noticed quite a few in this piece, and while they are an easy way to produce the desired action, they tend to get in the way of the read when used often. This is something to keep in mind if you wish to be published. It is hard to replace adverbs with active verbs, but can often solidify the images for the reader.

I found the imagery was used well to help the reader envision the area and situation. My favorite description from this piece was:

In the paling last light, a breeze stirs the water ever so slightly; creating a thousand tiny reflections that shimmer and bounce like a vast field of diamonds.

I enjoyed the image this created. Nicely done.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*He recognizes peace for the first time in as long as he can remember and as the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms he is drawn into blissful sleep.
There should be a comma before 'and' as it is being used as a coordinating conjunction between two independent clauses. Also, a comma after 'arms' because 'As the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms' is an introductory clause for the main action.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, intense, dark, and compelling. I was glued to the screen as I read, eager to see how it would end. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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270
270
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Kalistra !

I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" , thank you for posting for us to read! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

First of all, you have requested a brutally honest critique. I am more than willing to do this, but please know that I am reading this with a critical eye, as well as the thought in my mind that you are going to want to publish this. This review will differ from my average review because I am going to attempt to point out anything I notice that may hamper that goal. Also, please keep in mind that I am not an editor and my suggestions are based on what I have learned as I pursue my own writing. *Smile*

The imagery in the first paragraph was well placed to give the reader a visual of the area, as well as grab their interest. The tone was tense and allowed for me to see that the situation coming up would be as well. To be honest, the imagery in the entire piece was really good. It was vivid and compelling, and I found I had no problem at all envisioning the countryside as he rode through different areas.

The narrative tone remained consistent throughout. I found myself quite involved in the piece as I read. The pace of the chase was steady, and the intensity of the narrative combined with the use of the character's thoughts allowed for a sense of anticipation and suspense.

The narrative was active and the exposition was spaced well to provide bits of information without any kind of info dump. Very well done. This will keep the story moving along, and keep the reader interested.

I loved that the forest ended up being petrified. It was original and completed the image in my mind very well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*In the first paragraph you use two adverbs, 'brightly' and 'imploringly'. Thanks to Ms. Diane and the Sunrise course, I have learned that any more than 1 adverb every three hundred words is frowned upon by editors. On the whole, they view it as lazy writing. You may want to consider rephrazing the sentences to take one out.

*Bullet*In the last line of the first paragraph, there should be an 'and' before the last item on the list.

*Bullet*...and the hoof beats seemed to echo sibilant whispers.
I love the use of 'sibilant whispers', it is very intense. My only suggestion is to make this a direct metaphor by taking out the 'seemed to'. Consider, 'and the hoof beats echoed sibilant whispers'. I think it increases the intensity. Also, you used the word 'sibilant' to describe the whispers 3 times. Conisder using a synonym rather than causing a repitition of the same word.

*Bullet*Suddenly the man found himself in the forest.
When using a disjunctive adverb to begin a sentence, it should be followed by a comma to show that it affects the sentence.

*Bullet* Still he urged his stallion back into a gallop,...
There needs to be a comma after 'Still' because it is a transitionary word to connect the previous sentence to the current one.

*Bullet*Abruptly his mount stumbled and went down squealing,...
'Abruptly' is a disjunctive adverb and needs a comma following it.

*Bullet*...that the stone forest was old, old, old and should have been left well enough alone.
I stumbled here with the repetitive use of 'old'. I believe 'ancient' would be a clearer way of explaining this.

*Bullet* As I said above, adverbs are frowned upon by editors. In this piece I found 17. Consider revising some of them to reduce their frequency.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this first part of chapter 1. It was well written, intense, descriptive, and active. I look forward to reading more. *Smile* If I was reviewing this purely from a readers perspective, I would have been compelled to give you as close to a 5 as I could get. However, from an editing perspective, I had some suggestions and have rated it accordingly. I would be more than willing to re-rate this if you decide to edit. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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271
271
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya Sparkler !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a really interesting piece. I like how you have addressed a very important issue with this and managed to present it in a flowing, expressive piece. I found there to be a poetic quality in this, and it worked very well with the content.

The narrative tone was lulling with a slight undertone of rebuke. I really enjoyed this aspect because it was good hearted, like a parent rebuking a young child. There was no bitterness in it, just a desire to teach and love. Very nice!

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet* The feet of an eagle wake me up, disturbing me.
The word 'wake' should be 'woke'. Also, this is restating what the first sentence said, consider cutting out the first one to avoid the chance of being repetitive.

*Bullet* It’s claws, which...
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*...which used to tickle me before seem rasher these days...
The word 'before' is saying the same thing as 'used to'. Consider removing it since it isn't really necessary.

*Bullet*...and try to turn your (and mine) precious planet...
Consider saying 'our precious planet'. I think it would flow a bit smoother.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I found it to be a poetic way to show the reader the effects of humanities ignorance on our environment, especially the beautiful essence of trees. The view point of the tree was loving and helpful. A very nice read!

Happy Writing!

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272
272
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sparkler !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a cute read. I found the narrative tone steady, conversational, and quite entertaining. Coming from the perspective of a picture frame is an original idea, I couldn't imagine even trying. *Smile*

The flow was fairly good. The beginning couple of paragraphs were a bit choppy, but I found it evened out nicely as the piece progressed. The last two paragraphs were expecially fluid and natural.

The information regarding the museum enhanced the piece by allowing the reader to experience the area from the frames perspective. The descriptions were nicely done and provided a good mental image.

Suggestions

*Bullet*When he died, I was born, and I uphold his image till date.
I think 'till date' should be 'to date'.

*Bullet*The man, that great man for whom these walls entertain so many people lives in me, through me.
Consider simplifying this sentence. I can see the structure is meant to reflect the personality of the narrator, but this one feels like too much. It would be a much stronger statement if the redundancies were eliminated. Consider something like,The great man for whom these walls entertain so many lives through me. I have also realized that the statement seems unfinished. What about the great man are you trying to point out?

*Bullet*Moreover, there would a chamber to keep...
I think this sentence is missing the word 'be' before 'a'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an interesting piece. I found it very entertaining. The perspective of a picture frame is something I have never seen before, and I am impressed at how effective it was.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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273
273
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece worked very well with the content. It reflected the view point of Tom well as he experienced various situations. The POV was first person and I found it very effective. The thoughts and narrative flowed smoothly, making it easy for me to become involved in Tom and his life. Well done.

The story progressed smoothly from beginning to end. There were a lot of years covered in this piece, and I think the addition of some scenes of dialogue really helped to 'show' the reader the important times in his life which the story encompassed.

The dialogue between the characters flowed in a natural rhythm. It showed the personality of Tom well in the way he reacted to people, and the way they reacted to him. Doug showed himself as a true friend in every way.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*A couple hours later my wife came back to our apartment and apologized and related all the details to me.
Consider taking out the first 'and' and using a comma instead. I think it would smooth the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*"Welp, I ain't gonna try to stop you,...
I think the word 'Welp' should be 'Well'.

Overall

I really enjoyed this story. It contains a great message for those who struggle will these kinds of situations in their life. I love that it ended with his friend Doug saving him from making a potentially massive mistake. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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274
274
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya Dark_warrior !

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

This is a heartfelt poem which reflects your love and commitment to the one you love. Poetry is such a great way to express emotions because it allows the writer to let the thoughts flow naturally.

I noticed that you used punctuation through, and I think it improved the flow of the read by showing the reader where the necessary pauses should be. I also noticed that you started each line with a capital letter. This may be your prefered style, and if it is that's great. I just wanted to suggest that because this poem flows like speech you may find it comes across easier if only the opening of each sentence is capitalized.

In the first line it says, 'had I not meet you'. I think 'meet' should be 'met' and the comma after 'concept' is not needed. Also, consider using a period to show the end of each sentence as you did for one other one in the poem. For example,

Had I not seen you, had I not met you,
I would never understand the concept
Of love.

One last suggestion. Consider the use of a metaphor or two to enhance the sensory aspect of this poem for the reader. It is clear you love this person immensely, so the emotional impact is definitely there, but I felt like it would have added another level of reaction from me if there was a bit of imagery used as well. Consider the following lines: I would never feel peace,
Never feel content. Think about what the peace feels like, is it like the calm surface of the ocean, or the drifting of clouds in the sky? It could be anything that makes you feel content. Try comparing that peace to the peace you feel when you're with him. Adding something like this can 'show' the reader the feeling through the use of something that is identifiable for the reader to relate to.

All in all, I enjoyed this poem. Like I said before, it was clear through the piece that you are completely in love, and feel very safe and content with the one you are with. I am a sucker for romance and the 'happily ever after', especially when it is heartfelt and emotional. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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275
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya Oscar !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece comes across as someone telling a story. It is consistent in its objectivity. If this was the effect that you were going for, then well done! I just have one suggestion as far as that goes. I personally think that this would be a very good basis for a full blown story where the reader is pulled into the action of the fateful crush. Consider using the perspective of John and creating the tale from his point of view as it is happening. I could just imagine how intense it could be if I felt as though it was happening at the time. You could start with an objective narrator and then fade into the story. Just a thought. *Smile*

I have never heard this legend before, and I'm not suprised considering the location. It is very intriguing.

Suggestions

*Bullet* He was a very weird guy; everyone who knew him thought he was very weird and even bizarre.
Consider eliminating the second use of 'very weird'. It feels repetitive and isn't needed twice so close together.

*Bullet*He had a strange fanatic touch that left everyone frightened.
There should be a comma after 'strange'. Also, consider embellishing on this point a bit. Why did his touch leave people frightened?

*Bullet*The boy always heard questions, he listened but he didn’t answer, the boy analyzed them, and resolved them, but he didn’t speak, perhaps he got lost in his memory or perhaps his words were lost in the past.
This sentence runs on a bit. Consider breaking it up into a few sentences to increase the flow of the read.

There are a few places in this that are a bit rough in structure. Try reading it to yourself out loud. It can often help to find the areas which don't flow quite right.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I believe this piece has a lot of potential. The basis of the urban legend is very interesting, and I think that if you were to examine it a bit more in-depth so the reader could 'feel' what the characters feel, and experience the legend as it is being created through John's actions, it would make a big impact. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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