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 |   You never know what you'll find - humor, ramblings, rants, randomness- it's all me! |
This description part is challenging. I never know what I will blog about until I start typing. I do know there will be typos. I don't reread or correct my blog. Otherwise it turns technical instead of my feelings and thoughts. Trust me, on stories and poems I'm a grammaraholic, but this is freedom. Sometimes to keep it from getting too personal, I even turn my head away while I type. Weird, right?. I hope you find this somewhat entertaining, thought-provoking, and humorous.   A little about me. The most important things in my life are family, especially my son, Reese, and my husband, Bruce, my walk with God, and making a positive impact in some way. I am a teacher, currently teaching 6th grade Language Arts. While at times my job can be trying, overall, it is one of the most rewarding passions in my life.   This is my wonderful son, Reese. He is now 20 and and a junior at Oklahoma State University. I may be partial, but he is an exceptional kid with the best heart I've ever known. He makes me laugh, think, and want to be a better person. We are both huge Oklahoma State Cowboy fans - Gooooooo Pokes!  This is Reese's dog, Betty. She shares a name with my mother. Reese named her that because she was beautiful and kind just like his Nanny (my mom). I'm not sure my mom is quite convinced it is a compliment though. Betty is a huge part of our family. She even had her own blog for awhile. Poke around at your leisure and shake your head at some of things that go through mine. I always return reviews/comments, though admittedly, sometimes it does take me awhile depending on what life is serving me at that point. Keeping the faith, Audra  |
| Okay, first off to the one or two of you that read my blog, I apologize for missing yesterday. My internet was out because of wonderful Oklahoma flooding. But, I'm baaaaaaackkk. About this treadmill dilemna, let's get right to it. We all know someone has put an NS curse on me to actually enjoy walking now. Yes, I'm still stunned by it too. Well, as I'm walking around the neighborhood today, it occurs to me that i'm not normal. Okay, okay - i did realize that like forever ago but I hadn't realized I was that abnormal walking until today. First off, I can't just jam to my mp3 player and get lost in the beauty of nature. I'm not really an outdoorsy girl in the first place, but the problem really comes because my brain neeeeevvverrr stops. The first thought that I even realized was odd was my fascination with people's lawns. I think it tells you a lot about who may live in those houses. Some people have more furniture and decorations on their lawns they i do in my entire house. Admittedly, I am not Martha Stewart (thank God, I don't think prison and I would do well together - I like my privacy), but some of these lawns are insane. I'm not talking about the extra couch on the porch where Ma and Pa fiddle at night. Come on you guys, I live in Oklahoma not Little House on the Prairie. This is nice table sets in the yard and well things I don't even know the name of. Oh my gosh, and the lawn "figures". At the beginning it humored me. But because my mind goes strange places - I had a little "Chucky" moment, (or Toy Story) and I imagined these things coming to life at night, maybe battling, maybe overthrowing the neighborhood! Go ahead send me a psychiatrist's name, I won't take offense - - but I could just call my sis she has plenty on speed dial. Back to the dueling living lawn decorations - of course there are gnomes, but there was a bear, angels (good guys, duh), and yes pink flamingos (how orginal), fish, frogs, pistol pete (OSU"s mascot - gooooo pokes) and then some I've forgotten by now. What if they are there to protect the houses? and I have none!!!!! It gets worse . . . my brain that is. I suddenly have an urge to open the mailboxes. I wouldn't take anything out, I know that's wrong. . . For some reason, it just comes to me. I think it's because I was such a goody goody growing up. Don't worry I fought the urge. Reason 3 (that's what we are on, right) - Well, it is Oklahoma - we have this thing called Wind -- you know sweeping down the plains and all that. It's dang strong sometimes. When I turn and walk on the north road its so hard it makes even a fat girl like me stagger. So I'm sure those neighbors think I'm walking off a drunken binge. Oh yeah, reading the mailboxes (that I DID NOT open) I discover that there is an Ethridge on a nearby street. That's my maiden name (yet more info for you to stalk me with). He/She has no protective lawn ornament but there are about 25 flags -- yep patriotic - definitely related. On Crest drive, I swear they must have a neighborhood "mow the lawn" day, because all there grass is the same heighth. I should be impressed, but all i could think was "Geez, get a life" and "i'm so glad I don't live on this street, they would hate me more than my current neighbors do". In this friendly state, we say hi and wave to people we don't know. However, I learned sarcasm doesn't always go over well. There was a man painting the trim on his house. As I waved I (jokingly) said, "you missed a stop." Well, he must have thought I sounded a lot like is wife, because he shot me the bird! (protect me lawn ornaments, pleaseee). I didn't get mad, I just went over apologized and gave him my unopened water bottle and asked if he wanted any help. I think I scared him. So, what do you think? Treadmill or keep risking the neighborhood? I'm perplexed. Bye friends - enjoy your sanity! |
| Just kidding, I love him more than life itself. But at one point this morning I couldn't decide whether to tackle him or cuddle up and laugh with him. I asked him to put some songs on my mp3 player for me to use while I'm walking. I thought some good, high beat songs might help me enjoy it more. Well, here's what I got as I started my journey: 1. Just Walk Away (Puddle of Mudd) - I think it's actually called "Said", but it says Just Walk Away a lot - I was happy with this choice. I know I'm too old to love Puddle of Mudd, but I do and I thought it was "clever". 2. I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor) - hmmmmm, appropriate I guess since the beginning of my walk is the hardest for me 3. Baby Got Back --- Okay, so maybe this is true but it deserves at least one good evil eyes stare. 4. Let's Get Physical (Olivia Newton John) - Really, Son? How do you know these songs? ahhhhh yes, I am your mother. 5. I am Woman Hear me Roar (Anne Murray) - Okay this one is even before my time. 6. Stayin' Alive (Bee Gees) - was he talking about me or him? 7. Barely Breathing (Dunkan Shiek - i think) - - ha ha ha -- Maybe if I had some breath at this point I would be laughing. 8. Shake your Booty (KC and the Sunshine Band) - Thanks, son. I had forgotten the movement of my buttocks in front of the entire neighborhood. and finally . . . . 9. I Honestly Love You - Olivia Newton John - He's not a dumb boy, he knows how to pull at my heartstrings. As I open the door to the house, I can hear his laughter. I wonder, "Has he been laughing the entire time I've been gone?" Between, gasps of hysterical, deep chuckling I hear him pant out. "I love you, Mom. How was your walk?" Decision made - I tackle him and cuddle up laughing with him. Where in the world does he get his sense of humor???????? It's a mystery. |
| It seems I always have a confessions. So here goes - I had a blonde moment today, well actually several moments, and you know I really don't like to call them blonde moments because some day I might dye my hair red and I'm pretty sure they are still going to happen to me. Let's call them "cartoon moments", shall we? Because my life is one big comic strip. Well, I went out walking today. First off, I got through half a song and my mp3 player's battery runs out. (Yes, I"m not cool enough for a grown up ipod). Anyway that sucks right? You have on headphones and have no tunes to do a walk you haven't learned to love yet. To continue on . . . I decided to change up my walking pattern. Ok, you caught me. Honestly, I haven't been doing this long enough to have a "pattern", but here's the deal. Whoever said Oklahoma was flat has never been in my neighborhood. We have more hills than my butt has cellulite. Anyway, I was trying to avoid the hills, well because they hurt and i had my fit flops on (great shoes, by the way - - LOVE THEM! a must have). Therefore, whenever I saw a semi-flat road I took it. You are probably seeing where I'm going with this. I'm about halfway through my walk and I have to pee. I realize I should head home, because I don't know people well enough in my neighborhood to ask to use their potty. As I look around, it occurs to me that I don't know where the hell I am. I begin walking looking for familarities. Well, the only thing my neighborhood has more of then hills is identical trees. I walk and walk and walk. By this point I'm quite sure I'm going to die by bladder explosion. Finally, I see an elderly gentleman outside measuring something. My first thought instead of "Hallejah!" was "what the heck do people measure outside?" I tell you i'm very random and obviously not a gardener. This is basically the conversation: Me: Sir, could you tell me how to get to Plumb Dr.? Man: Oh, are you looking for someone? Me: Hmmmmm.... well, I'm looking for Plumb Dr.. Man: I'm sorry I don't know the names of the streets, but I do know quite a few of the people. Maybe if you tell me the last name. Awkward pause . . . Me: Actually, it's my house. I've just been walking and forgot to pull my head out of my butt. Man (stunned silence that i just said that followed by forced chuckle): Are you sure it's Plumb Dr. All the streets in this neighborhood are named after men. Twilight zone music. Me: I'm pretty sure I still remember my address. Am I in Willow Wind edition? Man: Ahhhh, no. This is Nantucket. No wonder I haven't met you. I like to get to know my neighbors. Me: Well, thank you anyway. (I'm doing the pee pee dance by this point) Man: Wait, I have a gps I could drive you home. Very long pause, not because I'm scared to get in the car with this man. I"m pretty sure I could take him down if i needed to. but I'm supposed to do 5 more minutes of walking. My bladder wins the debate though. Me: That would be wonderful, if it's not too much trouble. So we get in his care, AFTER he explains to his wife that I don't know where my own house is. I think him kindly as I'm praying I don't pee in his car. Man: What a beautiful lawn you have! I can't help it I laugh - I know nothing about lawns, flowers, trees, etc. And then I run in to relieve my crying bladder. As I pass the mirror I realize I've had my headphones on this whole journey with no music playing from them. I absolutely rock! |
| Okay, so this is kinda a vent, not really a pick-me-up. More of an "are you kidding me, you haven't learned that life lesson yet?" Look, I put my foot in my mouth allllll the time. Well, not literally, I"m too fat for that, but I think you know what I mean. But the thing is, I usually feel at least a little bad about it when I do it. And I've realized I've done it. How do some people reach the age of what is loosely considered "adulthood" and have no clue when they've stuck their foot or must time feet in their mouths? How do they not realize the effect their words are having - say a quick, "Gosh, I'm sorry" and shut the hell up? But, they don't or either they just don't care. They keep going on and on, never shutting up, never pausing so that someone can even sneak a word in to warn others to run. I'm not saying I'm never rude, but the thing is when I am I usually have meant to be. Those aren't the moments I'm talking about. For example, it's the moments when you say how much someone gets on your nerves only to find out that the person you are talking to gave birth to that person. Those moments . . . you know them . . . the room gets quiet, the air thick, breathing seems a chore. So, back to my original question. How can someone not read these moments? And retreat? So my life lesson is gauge people's reactions, don't think you are always right, take a moment to inhale, and once in a while just shut up! Sorry, that just really needed to come out. And believe it or not I am having a great day! |
| First of all, to those of you who read these, please understand I have an off-beat sense of humor. My rants are more sarcasm rather than bitter. I'm not a bitter person, in fact, I can't stand bitter people. That being said . . . . Morbidly Obese: Are you kidding me? I'm not denying the fact; I'm opposing the term. Let's face it, we live in a world of "political correct"-ness, and that's the best you can come up with? I'm a teacher and I've seen the terms for our "challenged" students change yearly to sound more "positive" and hey I'm all for it if it makes someone feel good, but no one changes Morbidly Obese. Ethnicities change constantly on what is correct. And, honestly, I'm of the belief we are all people so why do we need a title. But yet, I try to be socially conscious. And yet, I'm MORBIDLY obese. Come on, we can do better than that. I mean a car wreck is morbid. I cannalbalistic serial killer is morbid. I know my rolls can be offensive, but do they really fall into that category. I mean my gosh, I swear I've never even been tempted to eat a human kidney. Well, or any kidney for that matter. I'd rather you just call me fat, white, and lazy - than MORBID. It sounds like i'm the type of person that laughs evilly while blowing up frogs in my microwave. I don't really have an alternative to Morbidly Obese, I'm just opposed to the term. Wait . . . Here's an idea: Instead of you calling me Morbidly Obese, why not just call me . . . Audra |
| GRrrrrrrrrr - i have just spent half my day watching two movies and neither one had an ending - well actually they had the same ending - "a sunset" wow original there. End your f-ing stories people. I don't want to decide what happens. I'm sory that's your job. Who produces such crap -- i mean seriously - have you ever sat through a movie or read a book and said, "wow, boy i'm glad that didn't tell me how that ended up." You don't have to give me a happy ending but i DEMAND an ending. it's like doing all of algebra problem and then just writing x = ?. They're going to count that wrong. Now i'm forced to go organize closets because i refuse to be fooled again today, and i'm snowed in. So for those of you who think you are being witty and not giving us a real ending -- quit being CHEATERS, and grow a pair and give us an ending so we can decide whether we like it or not. wheeeeewwww relief |
| I awoke this morning with the best intentions -- I figured as soon as reese woke up I'd take him out for breakfast, take him to Gamestop to trade in some games for one he's been wanting, and then hit wal-mart (why i thought this would be good is beyond me - - Have i forgotten i hate wal-mart?} So we go to Denny's (his favorite, not mine) - we talked and laughed about senseless things and suddenly as i take my last sip of coffee i realize i'm not feeling too well - I excuse myself - okay not so much excused myself as pushed away from the table with a mad dash to the bathroom. I enter the handicap stall , not because i'm handicapped but figuring i might be blowing chow and that rail to hold on to seemed like a genius idea. Well, I was right - omelette and hashbrowns made a reappearance - now if that isn't bad enough as i was shoving my face into a public toilet a little girl crawled under the stall and sat staring at me. As i heave i'm thinking, where is your mother and God please let this be over. Eventually, both she and I leave the bathroom and she scampers to her table telling the entire restaurant what she has witnessed. As i'm paying the bill, I can't help but thinking that somehow there should be a law that if the food is in your stomach less than 10 minutes you should receive a discount. I didn't dare ask though. Gamestop - nothing exciting happened. Thank God. Now, why i thought i could still do Wal-mart is beyond me. Honestly, part of me figured no more could come out of me. I won't ruin your evening telling you about the 2 trips i took to the bathroom there - but let me tell you - you realize the lack of cleanliness of bathrooms when you praying for death and thinking this may be where they find your lifeless body -- but . . . I got beyond that - what bothered me about wal-mart was the carts!! Now, i know i have a tendency to exagerrate but hear me now and believe me - we changed shopping carts FOUR times before i found one that did not feel like satan had control of it. Granted I might have been weak from the bathroom visits but this was insane. At one point the only way i could avoid running into the shelf was to pick the cart completely up. WAL-MART spend some of my money on greasing the shopping cart wheels! |
| You know what is a terrible combination? An overachieving mother and a laid back do the minimum amount of work son - add to that the fact that your mother works at the school and hears every little thing you do wrong - mix in the fact that she just called about 20 people's kids to inform them that THEIR kids were slackers -- it's not a pretty outcome. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad my son isn't as anal i was/am about perfection - but really? really? couldn't he just fake it once in awhile? I know you are wondering what he did or didn't do wrong - well, too bad i'm not going to tell you because i don't want a thousand emails telling me i expect to much - BECAUSE I DON'T. Trust me, I want to expect more. I've been rational and realized he is his own person and has his own abilities and goals - I've accepted it - (without counseling i might add) BUT i am here to guide somewhat -- it's not a damn free for all. Again, don't misunderstand -- i know he's a great kid, i am truly blessed - i have more fun with him than anyone in the world. He is exactly what i prayed my whole life for -- but TODAY well i am frustrated at the little toot. ohhhhhh i don't think i'm going to enjoy the teenage years too much. Okay - i've vented. Thank you oh wait one more thing -- i really wanted to go out to eat tonight and now we can't because i sure can't let him think that hey lets go out to eat and celebrate the fact that he is frustrating the living hell out of me. SO NOW I HAVE TO COOK --- life is not fair. pfffftttt |
| My cat was playing with a dead mouse in my HOUSE!!! and i had to pay my son $5.00 to dispose of it. and then when he picked it up he screamed like a little girl - i thought it had come back to life and bit him. I hate them hate them hate them hate them!!!! do you get that i hate mice? NASTY NASTY NASTY! |
| Okay, so i've been trying to bake/cook more lately. You know, supposedly healthier, cheapier all that. First of all, it is not cheaper when you are a learning cook because you have NOTHING you need -- floor, sugar, spice crap uhhhhh. But anyway to my real rant. Well, my mother gave me a turkey - apparently my dad got one for a bonus (woohoo how exciting - but then again more than i got). So i bought the bag and the pan to cook it in. And i did know that i was going to have to pull something out of this bird, but hey i've cleaned up poop before so how hard could that be? WEllll..... No where on that instruction sheet did it tell me that when i cut the plastic off it was going to be like a pregnant turkey's water broke all over me. NOw in my mind i know it's from the thawing, but i swear it looked like she was spraying me from those tied together legs. Once i got past that i was ready to pull out the giblets and whatever else are trapped up in those legs. Again here, there was no description. It was like the damned turkey had swallowed a deformed penis and that sac thing? Well, you can imagine what my mind was thinking as i was gagging. And then it says i have to rinse it inside and out with cold water? What the hell kind of food is this that i have to give it a damn enema before i can cook it. By this time my hands are freezing and this is beyone any imagination of mine that it might come out tasting good. And then i'm thinking if this is what the Native Americans taught us on the first Thanksgiving, I bet they are laughing their asses off that we look FORWARD to doing this every year. So anyway, the turkey is cooking for well apparently it's an all day type thing and as i sit here typing (my stomach is not grumbling with hunger i assure you) it occurs to me that i have no damn carving knife! Kentucky Fried Chicken for supper is sounding realllllllly good! |
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