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Daily notes and timed freewrites but mostly my blog
All comments are encouraged, I am interested in what others think and feel along the topics I choose to write about.

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[#732826] "In Memory

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Thanks so much for being a great support and wonderful friend *^*Heart*^* Merit Badge in Fantasy
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February 8, 2019 at 4:54pm
February 8, 2019 at 4:54pm
What is THE definition of evil?

I shall ponder this question and return to this entry to give my opinion of what 'evil' really is.
November 18, 2018 at 11:48pm
November 18, 2018 at 11:48pm
Over 5 months since I've written something...S O M E T H I N G. Okay. Got that out of my system. What now?

Well this 'no writing' spell was considerably shorter than the last one...that was a 13 month no write. At this rate of improvement it will be a matter of 'weeks' until my next entry *Smile*
July 1, 2018 at 7:28pm
July 1, 2018 at 7:28pm
Live for today-
Remember yesterday-
Plan for tomorrow.

From a fortune cookie.

You would think these three instructions on how to take on life would be straight forward and automatic. But how do you "Live for today" without becoming self serving? How do you "Remember yesterday" when so many of the memories are buried in pain? How do you "Plan for tomorrow" when you have no clue what is ahead? Platitudes are easy to speak but, for most of us, very difficult to do.
July 15, 2017 at 3:30pm
July 15, 2017 at 3:30pm
My how time flies when you ignore it.

My gardening experience is out of practice. Next year I will know NOT to plant vine crops (melon, squash, cucumber) within 10' of a blackberry bramble. Mind you the Blackberry bramble and the vine crops are thriving being next to each other, but the blackberry thorns make weeding and harvesting (cucumbers are coming on nicely) a blood donating proposition. You might say, I'm giving payment in blood for what I eat out of this year's garden...(e:Rolling). I have two pumpkins coming on nice--though I planted them about 2' too close. I have 1 corn plant out of 20 planted...(the soil pH is off I think...need to research that one) and twice that in beans planted I have maybe six plants. Of the lettuce, arugula, spinach, and carrots I have 1 lettuce and 1 spinach and nothing else...again I think soil pH is the culprit...might also have something to do with the blackberry bramble.

Next week I think I have enough incentive to do a serious job search. I've been thinking small up until this last week and the "small" jobs haven't panned out my way. So if I think bigger, maybe I can own a middle of the road job that is out there. Frankly, I'm amazed my funds have lasted this long. But when you're not paying for gas, auto insurance, rent, groceries or entertainment, a couple hundred dollars can last four months. My son has been more than willing to support me and my vehicle died the day I arrived, so I've taken an extended and badly needed vacation from "society." But now, guilt and financial responsibility is becoming an internal/external driving force, and I need to start doing for myself again.
June 11, 2017 at 7:51pm
June 11, 2017 at 7:51pm

6/11/17 Sunday Some radishes are coming up. Cucumbers are pushing through the soil too. The rain the last two days has been garden friendly and today is a nice bright sunny day.

My writing spree stalled out nine days ago, but I know it will come back. I'm at 15% for kick starting my writing. Good thing I didn't put a time limit on the goal LOL...
June 7, 2017 at 1:46pm
June 7, 2017 at 1:46pm
Garden Journal

5/27/17 I have a chance to plant in a real garden this year. Living with Tim and Ashley and they have a space for a garden. I have adopted a spot by the tent storage to attend. Planting today...nothing big. Some beans, corn and pumpkin. and a few radishes. There is a corner of the kid's (by kid's, I mean my son and his wife) garden that didn't take, so I have replanted three hills with the three sisters (beans, corn and pumpkin). It is a spontaneous experiment on my part. I will have to let the kids know I've replanted the hills in case they decide to do some of their own replanting.

The heat of the day drove me back inside.

6/3/17 planted short row of radishes.
6/6/17 weeded and replanted pickles and salad cucumbers 1 hill each.
6/7/17 I have radishes coming up from short row { 2'}: Hot sunny day//still having ant/aphid problems--insects chewing up leaves of cucs & squash & beans.
planted hybrid sweet corn, sparkler radish, and heirloom Black Valentine Beans (bush)
replanted sweet corn around pumpkin and beans planted two weeks ago. Did some weeding before the heat drove me out of the garden. Placed bamboo skewers along seeded rows so I can Identify them later.
June 2, 2017 at 5:08am
June 2, 2017 at 5:08am
A little late writing, had a busy day away from the house and computer. But the fifth step, third day of writing is accomplished.

Added a brief characterization, a paragraph, to my ongoing static
 Rescue and other bouts of imagination  (E)
stellar ships react to a planetary emergency/A child and adult discuss sound in space/...
#2123468 by DyrHearte writes

Project now
15% complete
May 31, 2017 at 8:17pm
May 31, 2017 at 8:17pm
Step four of waking up and shaking up my muse is write something two days in a row. I've added to yesterday's static item and finished step 4. *BoxCheck*

 Rescue and other bouts of imagination  (E)
stellar ships react to a planetary emergency/A child and adult discuss sound in space/...

12% complete
May 30, 2017 at 3:01pm
May 30, 2017 at 3:01pm
Three days ago 🌜 Huntersmoon visited and commented on my last entry. Yesterday I responded and my response got me to thinking about the writer's block thing I've been struggling with over the years.

I said something like my lack of self confidence is what is possibly causing the lack of creative energy which equates to writer's block. Lack of self confidence, isn't quite the point, however. Specifically, I have a lot of confidence in my writing ability, but it's the sharing of my creativity is where I falter. You see, I write to feel good and when I feel good I want others to feel good too. So I write to share feeling good. When my last love affair failed I lost trust in sharing myself. Innately, when "my companionship" was rejected then I felt all of me was rejected. I felt as if I was a throwaway person; someone not good enough to be around other people. Thus, if I wasn't good enough to be around those I loved, then my talents for writing wasn't good enough either. So I did everyone a favor and stopped associating with everyone, including those here at WDC.

I have rarely ever received a review or comment on my writings here at WDC that was negative. In fact, here is where I've received the most rewarding encouragement regarding my creative thoughts. (Which is why I'm still a member of this wonderful writing community.) I have received validation, encouragement, and friendship over these long years to help me realize that I wasn't the failure that caused my life partner to leave; but point in fact, her choice to leave was her failing.

My recent experiences coming back into a family circle and receiving unconditional acceptance I think has finally broken the ice around my muse. I've been thinking of warming up exercises to get my muse thawed out and excited again. Things are a bit vague at this moment, after all my muse has been shy for nearly fourteen years and frozen to inaction for eight years.

I know I need to start with small steps.

Step One: Talk about it *CheckG*

Step two: Feel confident enough about stepping out of the safety of the shadows to at least peak around the corner and see what is outside of myself. *CheckO*

Step three: write something creative--BIC and write a scene, a poem, a paragraph, a story--big or small, doesn't matter.

Step four: write something two days in a row, doesn't have to be related to the day before, but it has to come from my imagination.

Step five: BIC--write again and Step six, seven, eight, nine-- Step thirty: keep on writing.

Step 31: If I haven't been taken over by my muse by this time then start looking at my old stories and see if this familiar territory will excite her. (I have this feeling, I won't have to wait thirty days for my muse to wake up.)

Therefore, Step ?: Expand story horizons. I have many to choose from since my muse has played periodically during the glacial years. Here is a partial list:

"Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j [13+]; "freewrites: prompts, scenes, or teasers [13+]; "Failed Magic [E]; "Woodland Encounter [13+]; "A Phoenix and Her Wizard [ASR]; "Dialogue between a Priest and a Magician [ASR]; "The Honor of Liondin's Legion [E]; "Institute [13+]; "The Mighty Steed [E]; "The Thornton Mascot [E]; "Communion [E]; and "Sweet Breaths [ASR].

Step 3 complete *BoxCheckB*
 Rescue and other bouts of imagination  (E)
stellar ships react to a planetary emergency/A child and adult discuss sound in space/...
#2123468 by DyrHearte writes

9% complete
May 27, 2017 at 6:18pm
May 27, 2017 at 6:18pm
Well, I'm finally starting to get that settled feeling. Two months ago today, I lost my job which forced me to move from western Montana to western Idaho. The difference of climate is telling; but, being with family helps.

Today, I am reminded why I loved living in the Bitterroot Valley. I lived there for nearly 25 years (August 1992 to April 2017) and took for granted that the 80 to 90 degree temperatures don't happen until July and August. Well, here it is nearly June, less than a week left in May, and the temp is already 80-90 degrees. For the last 25 years I've taken for granted that when it got hot in the valley you could drive for a half hour and get to a higher altitude that would be 10 to 15 degrees cooler. Time to enjoy a picnic in the woods by a stream in relative privacy. Can't do that here. The hills of Idaho aren't high enough for any major temperature change and the Mountains are further away than a half hour drive. Also, anywhere you go to commune with nature is very crowded with all of the Memorial Day weekenders with the same idea. Even without the holiday, Idaho weekenders out number Montana weekenders by far. I've not realized how private my life was in Victor. I'm beginning to miss that privacy. I'm beginning to miss the semi-solitude I so enjoyed these last 24 years.

The plus side is the growing season for the garden is approximately a month longer here than in the 'Root'. So, I will take advantage and do a little planting today...nothing big. Some beans, corn and pumpkin. and a few radishes. There is a corner of the kid's (by kid's, I mean my son and his wife) garden that didn't take, so I have replanted three hills with the three sisters (beans, corn and pumpkin). It is a spontaneous experiment on my part. I will have to let the kids know I've replanted the hills in case they decide to do some of their own replanting.

The heat of the day drove me back inside. My son has taken the rest of the family to the river so the boys can play in the water. I'm content to enjoy the coolness of the basement where I'm set up.

On the job note, I've not had much luck having a job just drop into my lap. The applications I've sent in have not born fruit. I can't say I'm disappointed about it though. I have enjoyed not having to go to work. I suppose I could go through the employment service, but to me the pittance of employment insurance isn't worth the acid reflux medication it would invariably have to buy. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying eating without the heartburn. No work, no immediate need to find work...(my son has assured me it is okay to take my time)...equates to no stress and no stress equals no reflux.
May 9, 2017 at 4:29pm
May 9, 2017 at 4:29pm
I was going through a box with old printouts of poems and other writings back in the day of Stories.com. July 2002...Bert and I were still together and I still believed in the stability of our love for each other. My mind was free to imagine and safe to express. I'd forgotten about this simple premise and am pleased to find it.

Living A Circus?

Have you ever lived a circus?

Tell me,

Have you seen the tigers and elephants do their tricks at the demand of controlling person cracking the whip?

Tell me,

you have seen the clowns either smiling through their painted down turned frown or the ones crying in spite of the upturned grin?

Then, of course,

you must have seen the high show and those walking that tight wire or reaching for the swinging catcher or bar of the trapeze?

Is there a net below?


So, tell me,

have you seen the jugglers multitasking and the acrobats who always land on their feet?

I don't know about you, but even having never worked in one, I know I have lived a circus. I have not just seen but I have done all these things.

Debora A. McKinsey 7-18-02

May 8, 2017 at 12:50pm
May 8, 2017 at 12:50pm
I have visited my blog several times since the 20th of April, but the words weren't forth coming for me to write. Eleven days ago I copy and pasted a rewrite to an older story with which I was quite pleased; but, nothing of blog style has happened. Today I think I will push a bit and see what may come out of the ol' Just Be There and Write, dammit! I haven't had that spirit in a while.

As I mentioned on the 20th of last month, My son has wanted me to be closer for some time. When his older brother died, I must have appeared a bit fragile because his invites were persistent for several years. My reasons for declining his invitations over the years, I believe, were necessary, however. During the time from 2011 and now I had a lot of emotional baggage to sort out. I still had the adult-survival of childhood trauma to deal with, as well as the break up of my last love partnership, and the sudden death of my oldest child. I knew, instinctively, that I must be alone to get myself together. It took six years, but today, I can see the benefit of those six years.

I've found myself. I know who I am, not through the reflection of others, but from inside me. Maybe being over 60 has had something to do with my ability to finally mature passed my painful personal history. I'm sure living with only myself has had a major impact on the success of my present maturity. I believe that while I was playing at live in relationships, I was burying the past: or at the least, ignoring the past; so that everyday life could be dealt with. In other words, although it was necessary for me to attend to my children's needs when they were younger, my personal growth needs were not attended to. The same with living with the love of my life. Her needs always seemed to overshadow and distract me from attending to my own.

I wish the dynamics of our separation could have occurred differently, I think I am finally the person she could have loved as much as I loved her. I say loved...I could never let that door open between us again. Her method of separation pretty much burned that bridge. My ability to trust her with my heart was shattered. I think we can be friends, but as most people may have figured out, to be my friend is a hit and miss sort of thing. Unless I see ya everyday, I tend not to think about you. I get too focused on who and what is immediately in front of me. So much of that is related to the self defensive behaviors I developed from my childhood experiences. "Out of sight, out of mind." Every moment was spent in self protection and survival mode when I was a kid. I could only see that which was effecting me at the time.

And as Kenifyd's dialogue reflects, sometimes the past hurts take a lot from a person. Kenifyd was a story I wrote to get me to see what my potential future would be like if I didn't deal with my childhood trauma's. I could see myself at 90 years old with dementia and consumed by my personal pain. Kenifyd was set in a Mesopotamian type, rural setting because I like to write in fantasy settings. I personally can reflect so much more through fictional story telling than with realism. Reality tends to give me writer's block. *Laugh*

April 27, 2017 at 3:56pm
April 27, 2017 at 3:56pm
a rewrite...I changed this story from present tense narrative to past tense. I wrote this 15 years ago.


"There is a swirling darkness there just behind the eyes." The old woman smiled showing her toothless gums as she brought up both her hands to place her index fingers to her face just behind her eyes. The young girl who sat beside her, squinted from the bright afternoon sun as she tried to understand the old woman's ramblings.

'Why?' The girl thought to herself. 'Why does she try to make sense of what this senile old woman tries to say? It never makes sense.'

But the old woman's cackling voice persisted.

"And then the thickness numbs and builds a painful pressure in the front of your head, right here." The old woman rubbed her forehead as if to sooth an ache away.

"But no matter you see, because it is nothing to me; just some phantom and ill gotten memory."

The girl winced as the old woman laughed.

"It just gets all swirly grey and numb thick and pain and they comes in the night and take the very spark of life ands they twists it tight with afraidness and shamefulness and the youth energy hides it's fresh laughter being torn from thems that can't get away."

Gently the girl placed a hand on the old woman's shoulder as she wrapped her arms tightly around her knees and rocked herself gently. Her tears flowed freely from the clear insane grey eyes.

"It is okay Dame Kenifyd. The bad man has gone away and won't return."

Again, the woman's harsh cackle made the girl wince.

"Theys coming I tells you. And theys never stays away. Theys always here, right here I tells you in the grey swirly behind these eyes."

There was a silence then as the old woman and the girl sat by the hut. Fennris wondered if she should attempt to get Dame Kenifyd back inside. She was agitated and it may be wise to get her out of sight.

But Fennris wasn't up for a struggle and Kenifyd was always non-compliant when she got agitated. No, it was best to sit here beside the old woman and try to sooth her through the roughest spots in her tirade.

In a soft voice, almost a whisper, the old woman warned her great-granddaughter of the evils life brought.

"Theys can do those things and never guilt touches thems. In the nights when they not suppose to be there. Ands they tells you be quiet or theys going to kills you. Always same. Theys coming again in the grey swirly behind these old eyes."

Again, the woman wept as she rocked herself. Fennris rubbed the old woman's shoulder and crooned to her gently trying to calm her agitation. The girl looked around to see if anyone else may be able to hear what Kenifyd witch said today. Fennris frowned, though no one had yet taken notice. Always, when Kenifyd grew agitated, the evil filth that spewed forth was not far in following.

As the grey haired woman found a moment of quiet, Fennris stood with the intention to persuade her grand-dame into the hut. She was no harm except to herself when she got this way. She incited the fears of the villagers and someday what she said would be her death.

'Her death and any who try to defend her.' Thought Fennris. 'She is crazy, this old woman.' Fennris knew there was no help for it. She grimaced at the thought.

"Please Grand-Dame Kenifyd, the sun is terribly hot and the hut so much cooler to sit in." Fennris gently lifted the thin blue veined hand to assist the woman in her standing. But the old woman looked up into the blue brightness of her grand-daughter's soul and shook her head with slow sadness.

"No Fenni girl. The shadows fill yonder hut. Only in the bright hotness of the sun am I safe. Theys no coming to the full light of the day you see, only in the shadow and the deep night they use for their deeds. And they says be quiet or they kill you. But every-time they come you dies and you no knowing your death till they be gone. They take piece by piece till you are no more and leave a sliver only, to keep your body living. No little Fenni, I stays right here in the safe hot light. I only a sliver left and they coming to take my death and making it theirs to own. My soul in peril great it is. I stays here in the sun and be safe."

Resigned to the inevitable the young girl sighed from deep inside her growing fear. "Yes, Grand-Dame. Do you want some water then?"

The old woman nodded slowly but said nothing. She looked around her and the old grey eyes glazed over as she was teleported to a past long gone and lost to the dust of time. A smile crept over her old face and she was young again.

Fennris sighed in relief as she entered the hut to fetch a cup of water. Kenifyd would quiet down for a while. The smile always preceded her growing weariness and she would soon succumb to sleep.

Β© Copyright 2002 DyrHearte writes (dyrhearte at Writing.Com). All rights reserved. Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
April 20, 2017 at 2:49pm
April 20, 2017 at 2:49pm
The excitement with the final steps taken to arrive at my son's home has me pausing in wonder regarding how Fate may work. Since the moment when I knew I was for sure jobless once again in the Bitterroot and I accepted the choice my son has offered to have me move closer to him, my path appeared under my feet like the visual floating stone bridge in a game system. Once I took that first step of acceptance, I found no other opportunities that might detour me from this move. When I needed it, the money was there. When we needed the help, my neighbors pitched in and what would have been another two days of packing was reduced to one day. And my truck made it over the pass and survived the haul right up to the point where help was convenient before breaking down. The clutch cable went out at the edge of town. I feel a sense of wonder that the breakdown didn't occur sooner. Obviously the opportunity was there.

I am a believer that certain times in a person's life are meant to happen. This experience is one such bit of proof that I will cite in the future in regards to what will be will be and nothing can be done to change that.
March 27, 2017 at 10:12am
March 27, 2017 at 10:12am
Situation Update:

The year 2016 had it's moments. It was the year I struggled to keep my job simply by working more at not making mistakes than making product. The first three months of 2017 nearly saw me successful in not making a fatal mistake. But alas, I find myself presently unemployed because I am human and mistakes are impossible for me to avoid. The result is, I've thrown in the towel and have decided that living with my son and his family isn't such a bad thing for me after all. Tim is very excited that his stubborn mother has finally given in to the inevitable.

So now I am packing and tossing and arranging 14 years of accumulation to fit into a U-Haul. The feeling of being overwhelmed is resolved in part by looking at one room and one particular box at a time. I've made a little progress. He will be arriving to help around the last half of April. His excitement has settled my own misgivings of the situation. I've lived alone and independent since 2003 and I'm used to having no responsibilities except to a pet and myself. My only obligations have been to my job, or job search over the last decade. But, I've also struggled with depression, grief, and writer's block these last 14 years. I think my mistake at work reflects how mentally tired I've become. My hope for the remaining year of 2017 is that I will find my balance once again and be able to relax and be who I am really meant to be with family.

Now back to sorting, tossing and packing. I have a future to prepare for.

January 22, 2017 at 10:33am
January 22, 2017 at 10:33am
Anne sat watching the data unfold upon the small 12" computer screen. The numbers and colored bands told her a story of which she had read many times, over the years. Yes, there was the marker showing the first migration of humankind from the Earth continent of Africa.

Anne leaned forward as the data continued to stream across the screen. Her stomach gurgled, she must eat her evening meal soon; but, there was at least another hour of data left to transfer from the DNA samples extricated from the ancient jaw bone of the giant woman found on Titan. (10:33am)

What was a human skeleton doing on Jupiter's moon when as far as history knew no man had set foot on Titan until fifteen years ago? That was the first big question. October 7, 2219 had been a big day. On that day, all theories of human evolution was set on it's ear.

The discovery of Hrist, so named by the Icelandic scientist on the First Titan expedition, was initially surmised to be of complete alien origin. As Captain Harrald Gisterr reflected later, The oversized humanoid skeleton was as nothing found on Earth. He named her Hrist being the first named Valkyrie in the heroic poems listed in the poetic EDDA.

But later after initial dating and genetic decoding, the questions got even bigger. Radiation dating showed the skeleton as over 70,000 years old. Carbon dating was done also and showed the remains as even older...but given the inaccuracies of carbon dating when found on worlds other than Earth, the majority of the anthropological world went with the newer more accurate dating of gamma radiation developed around fifty years prior. The ancient female stood nine feet seven inches tall. Her genetic code matched current Hindi-Eurasian populations some 99.999997%. The 0.000003% difference amounted to two areas of code mankind shared with every hominid since Australopithecus. So how could this being exist? Where did she come from. How'd she get on Titan?

January 8, 2017 at 2:10pm
January 8, 2017 at 2:10pm
Running toward the sound; Iron on bronze. Can't mistake the ring of sword hitting sword. The technology is off balanced but the skill of the swordsmen seem equal. Must hurry. I draw my own iron and smell the fresh honing oil. Grunts of effort are now following the clang of swords. Someone is desperate to end the match. The sounds of battle are closer but I can't see who fights. I slow my approach and peer around the corner of the doorway. In the gloom of smoky lantern light I must see who struggles and who commands the moment.

A man in bright armor parries the heavy bronze stroke of a skin clad barbarian. He is pushed back with each ponderous stroke. It is the armored man who wheezes and grunts with each effort to avoid the crushing damage of that massive blade.

I step into the room, my iron ready. The barbarian's back is to me. I must move quickly and strike while surprise is my advantage. The paladin deflects another blow and is pushed backwards against the wall. His eyes stay on his attacker and do not give away my approach. One, two, three steps, swing low and slash at the back of the bend in the huge legs. My blade cuts clean. A leg is severed and the barbarian screams in rage and shock. I stand frozen by what I've done. The bronze claymore clatters to the wooden floor. The barbarian falls and rolls upon the floor grabbing at his bleeding stump with powerful hands. I hear his cries change to a sob cut short. I blink as an iron sword cleaves his shaggy head from shoulders. I feel the splatter of arterial blood soak my breeches.

"Thank you for getting here when you did." The paladin speaks in panting breaths. I turn from him as he sags to the floor in exhaustion and relief.

The eyes of the severed head recognized me and labeled me traitor before the light of intelligence dimmed into death. My insides quiver with my own shock and I wipe the blood of battle from my blade.

"The price of this battle is still to be paid." My voice quivers uncharacteristically and the paladin opens his mouth to question my statement, but I turn from the room and walk speedily from whence I came.
January 2, 2017 at 4:17am
January 2, 2017 at 4:17am
January 2, 2017 at 4:17am

I've got Monday off as the first paid holiday of 2017. A great start to a new year.

I will be back later to do a free write.

at 4:04pm

"Do not handicap your children by making their life easy." (?) (Lazarus Long: Robert A. Heinlein's "Time enough for Love")

"If a liar tells you that they are a liar then tells you they are not lying. Do you believe them? Why or why not?"

"When I was a child I just wanted to be loved.
All my adult life I just want the pain of my childhood to go away."

"I cannot ever remember not being angry."

"If a movie were made of my childhood it would be rated triple X adult for violence, language, and sexual content."

When real life is a horror story, fictional horror becomes mundane...(or so I have discovered from my personal experience). As a character in a story, I'm sure the child I was would evoke sympathy from an audience not acquainted with the darker side of what some adults enjoy doing to children, even their own child. I've wondered what it was that I did in a previous life to incur the abuses in my life. Was I a reincarnate Nazi degenerate who died without seeing the error of my malicious ways? Maybe, I was an inquisitor during the medieval dark ages. Maybe, I committed infanticide and child slavery as a rule of religion in ancient history...There must have been some behavior in a past life to warrant the payment exacted from the childhood of this life. Well, if I deserved to walk in the shoes because of past life transgressions, what are the lessons learned from such painful experiences in this life?

But first, another question, what has evoked this particular topic for this free write?

I've watched a movie that spans several life times of several characters tied together through the ages. Sort of a window into what Hindu and Buddhist reincarnations might look like. The evolution of the 'souls' from strong and meek, from kind and cruel, and from blind and enlightened made an unconscious connection for me. This movie has a fascinating (to me) premise. Some of you reading this may have seen it. Tom Hanks is a main character and starts out his narration as an enlightened man recounting the cruel and greedy beginnings of his first remembered incarnation. The movie is "Cloud Atlas".

Now to answer the question, what lessons I've learned in this lifetime? At first glance, especially when my ire is up and energized, I haven't learned the lesson of temperance...although, I know intellectually the value of containing my rage and making the conscious choice of not acting out my anger. Maybe, the beginnings of temperance are taking hold. My negative views of everyday life are counter productive and I try to catch myself and divert the negative observances I'm so used to spouting. I do have more smiling and laughing days than ugly tantrum 'the world is against me' unfair days. (The Charlie Brown days.) So I suppose I'm making some progress toward a kinder expression of everyday life.

Yes, I'm telling ya I'm still a long ways from actually learning the lessons required to not repeat a painful incarnation...

Now, if I were to write myself as a fictional character, what learned lessons would Deb display at this time in her story? Temperance would be the most important...stop bragging about how violent and out of control her temper can be; in this way stop setting the scene for future tantrums. Living in the moment and maintaining a cognizant control over what is said and what actions are taken while incensed is the lesson of temperance.

See, I have learned what temperance is, now I just need to learn how to practice temperance. The problem for me is when I'm angry I have a surge of energy (adrenaline) and my mental state is focused on what is wrong with everyone else and Not what is wrong with me...My fictional character Malyn has this same rage response, albeit, more controlled and coolly delivered. I throw tantrums, Malyn simply reaches out and picks up the offending, insulting individual by the throat and tells them to leave her alone...

Malyn is close to 6' and I'm barely 5' tall. However, later in the story, Malyn's rage is diverted into lycanthropy after she embibes a potion during a life and death situation; the potion allows her to survive and the lycanthropic transformation becomes the physical representation of her internal out of control anger, fear, and self hatred. (The self hatred being learned from the prejudice and mistreatment by others when she was incapable of protecting herself.) Regardless, Malyn lives a code of ethics to which she adheres. This code is her religion, and if she strays from the ethics of honor she has set for herself she would lose face in the Samurai sense of losing face. Unlike the Samurai tradition, however, there is no ritual suicide to alleviate her unforgivable humiliation. As it is, when she lost her honor through a grievous accident she finds herself honor bound through blood price (weir-gild) to exchange her life for the friend she accidentally killed in battle. However, she discovers upon the Great Tree Sporsmalfaru that she cannot die.

Cowardice works into my characters as well. Malyn doesn't feel fear as a paralyzing shrinking away of danger, instead when placed in a fearful situation she becomes angry...and acts according to her life and death situation incensed with rage. Sort of an 'Incredible Hulk' transformation, only she doesn't turn green and grow muscular and shred her clothing. *Laugh* In my own past, I have responded likewise. Not the wisest reaction in some situations which demanded quiet passivity...I've received my worst 'punishments' from both mother and father from responding in anger rather than shrinking away in fear. Malyn too has her moments when silence would have been better suited for her survival. Her life and death fight with Strykaar is one such occasion. If she hadn't gained the friendship of her comrades, Strykaar's superb swordsmanship would have killed her.

Malyn isn't a bully as she defends herself from bullies. She meets the transgressions against her with just enough force for the transgressor to stop their behavior. If the bully is beyond learning, they die.

In the later stories, Malyn experiences fear as fear. She becomes afraid to react in anger, because when anger surfaces she transforms into the lycanthropic beast which her rage feeds. The only time she cannot control the were-beast is when unexpected triggers incite instant rage. Yet, the Elven Captain Emmerlain, who gave her the potion that made her a lycanthrope, teaches Malyn how to control the rage which enacts the transformation. Emmerlain teaches Malyn the value of temperance and self control and these lessons eventually allow Malyn to accept her immortality as a duty bound obligation for good rather than a curse to be suffered.

December 24, 2016 at 12:11pm
December 24, 2016 at 12:11pm
Looking back...and back...and back again. I remember the excitement and wonder I felt watching the Gemini and Apollo Space flights. Back then I figured we'd be landing men on Mars by now. However, with each international conflict/war here on Earth, the space exploration and moral maturity of humankind took a backseat. That is to say, those in power decided that killing each other here on Earth was more important than exploring our neighboring Universe. It does take a heck of a lot more money to wage wars than to proceed deeper into space exploration. Those in the right place at the right time can make a butt load of money off of another nation's demise. Personally, I don't understand the choice. I remember the 60's slogans...Make Love Not War...What happened to that paradigm? Were we so naive back when, or were the greedy warmongers just that much more persistent?

Today we are closer to the cures for a variety of debilitating diseases, but through the charities of the common wage earner, not the Greedy Gus's of the world. But even though there is a Cure for Hepatitis-C now, only the Greedy Gus's can afford to pay for it. Doesn't that sound about par for the course? Yes, we have gone backwards as far as an overall growth toward Peace and Goodwill to Mankind. And Prosperity to all has also been side swiped by those who can. I find it interesting, and a bit disconcerting, that I make 5 times the money than I did in the 80's and I can't afford to do the things I used to do. I don't have the most up to date television, in fact, except for the fact that I'm playing DVDs instead of VHS, I still watch on a bulky vacuum tubed job. No wall to wall flat screen here. But then I do live in a small apartment and the bigger more modern model wouldn't fit. *Laugh*

In 1975 I bought my first used car, a 1972 Pinto fastback for $2500 (I was told by a concerned friend that I'd paid too much for it). In 1992 I bought a 1984 Chevy Blazer (The full sized model not the smaller compact one) I believe, I paid $5,000. Again I was informed, it was too much to spend. Less than a year later, I socked in another $5,000 to put a new engine in it because the other seized up having a cracked block. So all told $10,000. Then 2003 I paid $2500 for a 1989 Ford truck. Still driving it today. I've learned you can't kill a Ford. The point is however, I could afford to pay for the Pinto with my $2.65 per hour wage in 1976 and my $5.00-$8.00 per hour wages in the early 1990s. I was able to get a loan for the engine replacement and consolidate the car payment on the Chevy. It was a squeak to pay for the '89 Ford on $9.00 per hour. But I could still afford to drive from Montana across country to visit family in Washington and Idaho and friends in Michigan.

Rent and other monthly expenses were taking up half my wage, food only a quarter of my wage (and I was feeding three people in 1992.) In 1998 I was living fat on the hog...supporting a family of 4 and making $13.00 an hour for full time work and some OT that wasn't taxed to nonexistence.

Then we come to the turn of the 21st Century. I am making $3.00 per hour less than in my hay day of the 90s, supporting only myself, and barely scraping by. The price of housing has gone from less than a $100/month for a two bedroom home with yard (including utilities) in 1975 to nearly $300 per month small apartment, I pay my own utilities in 2016. Then there are food prices...Raising a family of four took about a third of my total wages to feed, now for one, it's taking half my wages, (if I wish to eat healthy) and a third if I eat high carb low nutrition. I choose to eat healthy and so there are months when I must fuel my truck and buy lots of cabbage and for go eating meat for the month. But the kicker is, I haven't been able to afford to go fishing, hiking or camping on my own nickle since 2007. When I enjoy these activities now, it's when my Son or Daughter is visiting and I'm riding shotgun. I thoroughly enjoy these outings so don't get me wrong. I just wish I could do more outings on my own through the year.

Okay back to present. Despite the struggle with money and how far it doesn't go these days, I've had a darn good year. The ups and downs at work have smoothed out as long as I maintain some focused diligence, which is what I'm being paid for. I feel as if I'm never going to raise myself above slave status where I'm at, but I can live with that right now. I'm just happy to have a steady income.

I have the Banana Cream pie made for the family Christmas Dinner at 3 pm today and I have enough cash for gas to get to work the next two weeks til pay day. Rent is paid, utilities are paid, hospital bill paid, prepaid phone is updated, I have meat in the freezer, enough to last three weeks if I get crazy and two months if I dole it out smart. I have a new Coffee maker and a new mixer. Life is good and promising to get better.

People are still killing each other and children are crying in other parts of the world and I pray for Peace and Goodwill for everyone. I believe that if enough people bend a knee and honestly send out their love in heart felt prayer, the suffering will be reduced all over the globe. That is the paradigm I'm working toward.

Happy End of the Year Holidays to ya all, and a Prosperous, Healthy, Fulfilling New Year to Each and Everyone.
September 24, 2016 at 4:29pm
September 24, 2016 at 4:29pm
Oh dear! I'm a day early with this inspiration to write...*Laugh*

So what got me here on a Saturday? Let me tell you a story about my WDC habits. I generally check onto the site twice a day during the week; once in the a.m. and once in the p.m. (before and after work). My weekend check ins may only happen once a day, but I try to look in twice. I always read through the community newsfeed to see who has posted (I don't always read the links the members have shared, however). So I sort of keep up with the community activities and see who is who and what individuals are about. Kind of like skimming a news periodical without really reading in depth.

Two things caught my attention today: the announcement that NaNoWriMo is a week away; and a dear friend (~Lifelessons~ ) is having life issues. (I commented on her post to lend her my support during her time of challenge.) But to be honest, what brought me here to write in my blog was the realization that NaNo was upon the community again. I found myself excited about the prospect of celebrating November with a will and desire to write. (My muse woke up)

I find it amazing how NaNo sparks a writing frenzy within the WDC community and like a baby's laughter, NaNo sparks creativity from a writer suffering from long term writer's block. My writer's block is basically systemic from lack of enthusiasm (or so goes my theory). I derive this conclusion from the fact that when I feel the excitement of creative energy around me, I always make the time to write...something...like today.

It is a sad notion to realize that my writing is dependent on outside influences. My creative enthusiasm used to be a perpetual welling up from the core of my being, which I could not subdue no matter how much I tried. But my ego and muse are intertwined in such a way that when my ego diminished over the last thirteen years, so too did the muse turn away and curl up in the fetal position. I am glad to be able to feel her stirrings within me during trigger events such as NaNo (last year my inspiration was Gaby's month long GOT contest). I love the excitement I am feeling at this moment. The anticipation of an awakened muse is something to celebrate and encourage with truthful flattery and outright bribery. I may only write during the weekends, as work takes its toll upon my creative strength and endurance. What if I could, I'd write at work, but alas my total mental concentration is required for the job if I am to avoid making mistakes. At the same time, the mental energies spent for concentration at work tends to zap energy to create at home. Albeit, I would lose sleep if I were able to write after work, gladly. *Laugh* But I'm in the position at my job that I can't afford to make mistakes. It will be a balancing act in November and one I will happily attempt.

Of course, I won't officially compete in NaNo. I won't commit to the daily word count challenge. Rather, my four goals will be modest. 1) I will endeavor to write new material for an old story, my fallback love affair with Malyn's Saga. 2) I will devote time every weekend toward the completion of the first book (there are four total in this saga). 3) I will strive to cherish every accomplishment toward the first two goals. The third part of my said goals just might encourage my muse to stick around longer than the NaNo frenzy. I could potentially finish the second book and then the third book and so on... The first two books are each 75% complete. The third book is slightly less than half finished and the fourth book has the ending page written. So I know where Malyn is going, I just need to fill in the gaps to get her there.

Because I'm not officially competing in NaNo, I will start earlier than 11-1 and hope to continue far passed 11-30. I will keep a progress record and a commentary in my blog...by the way that is #4 in my goals...the accountability record.

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